Our babymoon is booked! We leave October 31st (the day after our 3rd wedding anniversary, so it's a babymoon and anniversary trip in one) so we'll get there pretty late, and then have all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and our flight home leaves around 11pm Sunday night and we'll get home around 6am Monday morning. We both took Monday off work too so it doesn't matter how early/late we get in. All direct flights, no changing planes, both flights are like 3.5 hours. And we're staying at the Luxor, I love the Luxor and always wanted to stay there. I'm hoping I can talk my husband into seeing the shark exhibit at the mandalay bay again.
I'm like, "jumping on the bed" excited. At first I was a little worried after I booked because I misunderstood the travel insurance. For some reason I had it in my head that our trip was a lot more than it is, so I was thinking we would only be reimbursed for half if we have to cancel. But then I realized my mistake today, and cancelling would mean we would be reimbursed for it all, except for the $80 we spent on the actual insurance. Whew, so I'm feeling much better now.
Honestly though, even if I were to have some complications, as long as I'm only required to take it easy or be on modified bed rest, I say we still go (with my doctor's permission of course) and just hang out by the pool. Why lay around at home when we can lay around in Vegas?
So for whatever reason, I always crash really hard the day after an appt. My last two appts I was really happy afterward, felt great, felt relieved, etc. Then the next day I'm all anxious and pgal is in full force. I am not sure why that is. I was a little crampy last night, but mostly I just couldn't get my brain to calm down. I'm feeling better today though, especially since I heard the beautiful heartbeat last night. I was just about done with it last night when my husband came in and wanted to hear it, and of course I couldn't find it then. Our babies always become stinkers when Ryan wants to hear, or feel for a kick. Man I can't wait till this one starts kicking.
I decided I'm likely going to have to announce at work around when I have my anatomy scan. At about 18 weeks was when I really started looking pregnant instead of just fat last time, and they say it happens sooner the second time. I know I don't HAVE to tell people, but the more pregnant I look the more self conscious I'll be, wondering if people have put two and two together. I'm already paranoid that they heard me puke that one day, or that they suspect since I leave early/come in late so often. I think if I can make it to 18 or 19 weeks that will be good...that's almost half the pregnancy that I'll have avoided the dumb comments. And who knows, maybe after losing Kayla, people will be afraid to comment on my pregnancy.
So if I am telling work around then, I'm thinking maybe we'll go public on FB around 24 weeks. I just definitely want to get past Kayla's loss milestone, and getting to Vday will be nice. I was going to wait until Christmas, but I am FB friends with a few people from work....the more people who know, the more chance it's going to slip. I'd rather just announce a little earlier than planned, then to constantly have to keep in mind who knows and who doesn't know so I don't spill the beans.
We leave for Vegas just 7 weeks from today!!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
NT scan, second tri!- 13 wks
My NT scan went great, I was a little nervous once we got close to the hospital, but I think that is just a conditioned response my body does; having heard the HB last night was a huge reassurance.
Boo was laying on his/her face at first, so the tech said later she thought I was going to be one of those one hour patients where the kid does not cooperate. But he/she turned over like a champ and we were done within 5 minutes. Kayla's didn't take long either, I make cooperative babies :)
The tech didn't tell me the measurement but she said everything looked great, and the doctor later told me it was 1.5 which if I remember right, was the same as Kayla, which is good. Anything 3 and above warrants additional testing.
It took forever to see the doctor, which is not the norm there, but I at least still got into work half an hour before I said I would, so all is well. Doc said I can skip the three hour glucose, which is amazing news. I so was not looking forward to that. She said since it hasn't been long since I had it last time, we can just assume I am, and I start the diet tomorrow. I feel ready....I've been trying for the last few weeks, but I have trouble being serious about anything until I know IT'S TIME. I'm headed to the grocery store after work to stock up on carb friendly foods and I'm excited about sticking to it and losing weight from here on out. I'm also seeing the nutritionist in a couple weeks which I am happy about, I could use a refresher on the numbers and I have a few questions.
I asked my doctor for clarification about bed rest....specifically why taking weight off the cervix wouldn't help. She said you would think it would, but there just isn't enough information to prove that it does. But she did say if my cervix were to start to shorten, she would take me out of work if that's what would make me comfortable and that seriously lifted most of my worries about any decisions to go on bed rest.
Clearly she isn't a fan of it, and I don't think I would put myself on strict bed rest just to try to avoid the pitfalls of it, but knowing she would be supportive of my not working if it would come to that makes my decision for the worst case scenario that much better.
She also cleared us for our Vegas trip, so I can go ahead and book our trip tonight. She thought it was weird, lol....wondered why of anywhere we want to go to Vegas. I really don't care where we go, I want to go someplace warm, in the US (considered Mexico but decided being in a foreign country with a high risk pregnancy, just two weeks from the point when we lost Kayla wasn't a good idea), and away from here. Besides neither of us are big gambling people; I like the slots and I'll play them a bit, but mostly we just plan to get away, maybe see some shows, eat some good food (but not too good, erg dieting while on vacation is tough) and she also cleared us to take a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon which I am soooo excited about, and she also thought was weird, haha.
The only thing that concerns me is I mentioned being short of breathe when I first get out of bed. She said that can happen later in pregnancy, but it concerns her some that I'm having it this early so she wants me to go for an Echocardiogram. I'm not sure if I explained it right....obviously through out the day you don't have to think about breathing, you just do it. I get winded going upstairs but I think that's normal for being overweight and pregnant....but in the morning, it's almost like I have to make a conscious effort to breathe, otherwise I don't and then end up having to kind of gasp a little. I don't feel great for the first 10-15 minutes that I am up, but the worst of it is right when I get out of bed, like the time it takes me to get out of bed and walk out of the room.
Since I've had a ton of appts this month, I'm going to try to wait and schedule the Echo in October. Hopefully it's nothing big and I just get every pregnancy symptom early. Oh, and I am officially in the second trimester!!
Boo was laying on his/her face at first, so the tech said later she thought I was going to be one of those one hour patients where the kid does not cooperate. But he/she turned over like a champ and we were done within 5 minutes. Kayla's didn't take long either, I make cooperative babies :)
The tech didn't tell me the measurement but she said everything looked great, and the doctor later told me it was 1.5 which if I remember right, was the same as Kayla, which is good. Anything 3 and above warrants additional testing.
It took forever to see the doctor, which is not the norm there, but I at least still got into work half an hour before I said I would, so all is well. Doc said I can skip the three hour glucose, which is amazing news. I so was not looking forward to that. She said since it hasn't been long since I had it last time, we can just assume I am, and I start the diet tomorrow. I feel ready....I've been trying for the last few weeks, but I have trouble being serious about anything until I know IT'S TIME. I'm headed to the grocery store after work to stock up on carb friendly foods and I'm excited about sticking to it and losing weight from here on out. I'm also seeing the nutritionist in a couple weeks which I am happy about, I could use a refresher on the numbers and I have a few questions.
I asked my doctor for clarification about bed rest....specifically why taking weight off the cervix wouldn't help. She said you would think it would, but there just isn't enough information to prove that it does. But she did say if my cervix were to start to shorten, she would take me out of work if that's what would make me comfortable and that seriously lifted most of my worries about any decisions to go on bed rest.
Clearly she isn't a fan of it, and I don't think I would put myself on strict bed rest just to try to avoid the pitfalls of it, but knowing she would be supportive of my not working if it would come to that makes my decision for the worst case scenario that much better.
She also cleared us for our Vegas trip, so I can go ahead and book our trip tonight. She thought it was weird, lol....wondered why of anywhere we want to go to Vegas. I really don't care where we go, I want to go someplace warm, in the US (considered Mexico but decided being in a foreign country with a high risk pregnancy, just two weeks from the point when we lost Kayla wasn't a good idea), and away from here. Besides neither of us are big gambling people; I like the slots and I'll play them a bit, but mostly we just plan to get away, maybe see some shows, eat some good food (but not too good, erg dieting while on vacation is tough) and she also cleared us to take a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon which I am soooo excited about, and she also thought was weird, haha.
The only thing that concerns me is I mentioned being short of breathe when I first get out of bed. She said that can happen later in pregnancy, but it concerns her some that I'm having it this early so she wants me to go for an Echocardiogram. I'm not sure if I explained it right....obviously through out the day you don't have to think about breathing, you just do it. I get winded going upstairs but I think that's normal for being overweight and pregnant....but in the morning, it's almost like I have to make a conscious effort to breathe, otherwise I don't and then end up having to kind of gasp a little. I don't feel great for the first 10-15 minutes that I am up, but the worst of it is right when I get out of bed, like the time it takes me to get out of bed and walk out of the room.
Since I've had a ton of appts this month, I'm going to try to wait and schedule the Echo in October. Hopefully it's nothing big and I just get every pregnancy symptom early. Oh, and I am officially in the second trimester!!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Twas the night before the NT scan- 12 wks 5 days
and I am calm!! My doppler was the best purchase I've ever made. Since I found the HB for the first time, I've found it everytime I try, but it is still early and can take a while. But I found it tonight pretty quickly and it stayed in one spot for a while, my husband was able to run in and listen for a few. What a difference, last time I was so nervous the night before but this time I am mostly just excited to see Boo.
Of course we pray everything is ok and that the chances of a chromosomal issue are super low, but I feel pretty good about it. Worrying won't change the outcome and thinking positively won't jinx it. Plus, I've just got so many other issues to worry about, it's like I can't take on that one as well.
I ordered a few things for Kayla tonight. I've been meaning to for a while....the one is a pink heart shaped christmas tree ornaments, it's got a 3D butterfly on it with her name and I put "Our beautiful butterfly". That was kind of an impulse buy, I was googling and came across it. The other thing I've had my eye on for months. It's a sculpure of hands forming a heart with a tea light candle behind it and it comes with a butterfly to put on it. I think it will be nice to light it on October 15th for national stillbirth and pregnancy loss awareness day.
I thought it was nice, that after I finished my purchase for the ornament, the order confirmation page said thank you for your purchase though we're sorry you had a reason to shop our gifts. Aww, how nice. One thing is for sure, we have so many mementos for Kayla, she will always live on in this house.
Of course we pray everything is ok and that the chances of a chromosomal issue are super low, but I feel pretty good about it. Worrying won't change the outcome and thinking positively won't jinx it. Plus, I've just got so many other issues to worry about, it's like I can't take on that one as well.
I ordered a few things for Kayla tonight. I've been meaning to for a while....the one is a pink heart shaped christmas tree ornaments, it's got a 3D butterfly on it with her name and I put "Our beautiful butterfly". That was kind of an impulse buy, I was googling and came across it. The other thing I've had my eye on for months. It's a sculpure of hands forming a heart with a tea light candle behind it and it comes with a butterfly to put on it. I think it will be nice to light it on October 15th for national stillbirth and pregnancy loss awareness day.
I thought it was nice, that after I finished my purchase for the ornament, the order confirmation page said thank you for your purchase though we're sorry you had a reason to shop our gifts. Aww, how nice. One thing is for sure, we have so many mementos for Kayla, she will always live on in this house.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Just breathe- 12 wks 3 days
I'm sitting here on the couch, doing absolutely nothing, and I am breathing like a water buffalo. If it's this bad now, how am I going to be when I am 8.5 months? My husband will have to jack the volume up on the TV just to drown me out.
The round ligament pain is getting worse, I seem to get it every time I get up, and the pain sticks around for a while. It's starting to be uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach. Sometimes I can, especially if I hike my leg out to the side to take some of the pressure off, but like this morning I woke up really early and was in a lot of pain from being on my stomach too much. Thank God for my mini snoogle.
I failed my one hour, big shocker. Everyone tells me, be positive, be optimistic. No thanks, I prefer to live in the world called reality. I mean, it hasn't even been six months since I had GD last, and I can't say I am any healthier than I was then. In fact I might even be worse. I don't even need all the fingers on both hands to count how many times I have worked out in the last six months and McDonalds sounds very appealing on days where you can't stop crying and don't want to get out of bed. I take my three hour test next Saturday. I wish I could bypass it and assume I have it, but I guess it makes sense to see how badly I fail it so they can recommend the right treatment.
Honestly, having GD is the best thing for me. I'm trying to stick to my diet right now, but it's hard. But I know once I get the official diagnosis, it will be go time. I will become super dedicated to eating all the right foods. It's like my brain needs to know that this is IT, I have to do it now and there is no more cheating (well at least nowhere as much as I do now).
But, I am soooo excited to get back into shape once Boo is here. NOW I feel like I am not living in reality. I mean, I'll be a new mom, running on no sleep and stressed out. Is it ridiculous to think I can get back to my "engagement weight" anytime soon post partum? I'm not talking do any crazy work outs....when I lost weight the last time, I had immediate success just walking 30 minutes a day and counting calories. Hopefully we'll have an early spring so I can get Boo out for walks, and since we're getting a jogging stroller, hopefully after many walks they will turn into jogs. Even if reality smacks me in the face, I think it is good to at least have a plan, and be excited for it. I was looking at my pictures on facebook tonight, and I have very very few from the last few years. When I was at my skinniest I was a camera whore, but now I jump out of sight, and the ones I am in, I cringe at. I want to be in pictures with my kid, and I will be.
So I had a weird thought the other day. My only experience with childbirth is Kayla of course; we held her, and our family held her and she spent the night in the crib next to my bed.....and I just realized, praying that all goes well, with Boo it will be nothing like that. Boo will be needy, and crying, and need diaper changes, and she'll wake us up in the middle of the night....I know that sounds like the "duh" statement of the year, but when your first and only experience went one way, it's kind of odd to think wow....I'll be having a baby. That needs things. And we'll be taking them home.
That's of course a good thing, but scary. I guess because, when I was holding Kayla, I thought, "at least she is at peace, and we don't have to deal with all of that scary newborn stuff". In those hours, I couldn't imagine having to actually be useful to her, because I was useless. I was broken, I was shattered and the idea of being needed by her was so out of this world to me. But of course, the two would't exist together. Since I was broken, she didn't need me to take care of her, and obviously if she did need me, I wouldn't have been broken.
I am sure there will be tears when Boo is born, and some of them will be sad tears that we didn't get to have that with Kayla. But mostly they will be happy tears, they will be "holy fuck I did it" tears. I just pray we get to see that day.
The round ligament pain is getting worse, I seem to get it every time I get up, and the pain sticks around for a while. It's starting to be uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach. Sometimes I can, especially if I hike my leg out to the side to take some of the pressure off, but like this morning I woke up really early and was in a lot of pain from being on my stomach too much. Thank God for my mini snoogle.
I failed my one hour, big shocker. Everyone tells me, be positive, be optimistic. No thanks, I prefer to live in the world called reality. I mean, it hasn't even been six months since I had GD last, and I can't say I am any healthier than I was then. In fact I might even be worse. I don't even need all the fingers on both hands to count how many times I have worked out in the last six months and McDonalds sounds very appealing on days where you can't stop crying and don't want to get out of bed. I take my three hour test next Saturday. I wish I could bypass it and assume I have it, but I guess it makes sense to see how badly I fail it so they can recommend the right treatment.
Honestly, having GD is the best thing for me. I'm trying to stick to my diet right now, but it's hard. But I know once I get the official diagnosis, it will be go time. I will become super dedicated to eating all the right foods. It's like my brain needs to know that this is IT, I have to do it now and there is no more cheating (well at least nowhere as much as I do now).
But, I am soooo excited to get back into shape once Boo is here. NOW I feel like I am not living in reality. I mean, I'll be a new mom, running on no sleep and stressed out. Is it ridiculous to think I can get back to my "engagement weight" anytime soon post partum? I'm not talking do any crazy work outs....when I lost weight the last time, I had immediate success just walking 30 minutes a day and counting calories. Hopefully we'll have an early spring so I can get Boo out for walks, and since we're getting a jogging stroller, hopefully after many walks they will turn into jogs. Even if reality smacks me in the face, I think it is good to at least have a plan, and be excited for it. I was looking at my pictures on facebook tonight, and I have very very few from the last few years. When I was at my skinniest I was a camera whore, but now I jump out of sight, and the ones I am in, I cringe at. I want to be in pictures with my kid, and I will be.
So I had a weird thought the other day. My only experience with childbirth is Kayla of course; we held her, and our family held her and she spent the night in the crib next to my bed.....and I just realized, praying that all goes well, with Boo it will be nothing like that. Boo will be needy, and crying, and need diaper changes, and she'll wake us up in the middle of the night....I know that sounds like the "duh" statement of the year, but when your first and only experience went one way, it's kind of odd to think wow....I'll be having a baby. That needs things. And we'll be taking them home.
That's of course a good thing, but scary. I guess because, when I was holding Kayla, I thought, "at least she is at peace, and we don't have to deal with all of that scary newborn stuff". In those hours, I couldn't imagine having to actually be useful to her, because I was useless. I was broken, I was shattered and the idea of being needed by her was so out of this world to me. But of course, the two would't exist together. Since I was broken, she didn't need me to take care of her, and obviously if she did need me, I wouldn't have been broken.
I am sure there will be tears when Boo is born, and some of them will be sad tears that we didn't get to have that with Kayla. But mostly they will be happy tears, they will be "holy fuck I did it" tears. I just pray we get to see that day.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
My mom- 12 wks 1 day
Nine years ago today I lost my mom. Where has the time gone? It doesn't feel like it's been that long, it feels like just yesterday. But on the other hand, it feels like a different lifetime. I miss her a lot. I wanted to go to the cemetery after work, but I don't know. It's really far, I probably wouldn't get home till about 8 and that means getting take out again because I am not going to cook that late.
The drive is nice on days when I want to just get on the freeway and think, and of course the cemetery itself is beautiful and I like that it is out in the country. But it's days like this that I wish it were closer so I could swing by and take her some flowers. Not that we have ever regretted our decision, but this is just that much more reassurance that we made the right choice by not having Kayla buried out there.
Today was my last day of using Crinone (progesterone gel). It wasn't horrible, but I am glad to be rid of it. Last time I was nervous when I went off the progesterone, worried that something would go wrong, but I feel much better about it this time. It also helped that my nurse said the placenta takes over at around 10 weeks and they do that two week overlap.
It's been bothering me lately that some people seem to act as if we're overreacting with this pregnancy. Like my worrying about being on bed rest, and my reluctance to do anything more than just walking. I mean for God's sake, our baby didn't get the sniffles, she DIED! As long as there are doctors out there that think bed rest is helpful, how can I not try it if circumstances present themselves? How could I go about my day to day routine, knowing my cervix is shortening (if that happens), knowing the same damn thing could happen again, and not try to do something about it?
I trust my doctor, but trust and agreement isn't the same. I trust that her belief based on what she has read and learned is that bed rest isn't helpful. I think doctors are amazing, I love my doctors and I know they want the best for me and my baby. But at the end of the day, if her opinion is wrong and we were to lose Boo, her life wouldn't be forever affected by it, at least not in the way ours is. At the end of the day she is a human who makes judgement calls based on her opinions, and doctors are wrong all the time.
Even if bed rest is complete hooey, even if it does absolutely no good....if I didn't try it and we lost Boo, I would never ever forgive myself. I have enough guilt over Kayla and I completely know there is nothing I did wrong or could have done different, so I will not put my baby's life in danger because some doctors don't think it is necessary, and I don't understand why some people aren't grasping that.
So what if I go on bed rest and it doesn't help? So what if I lose my job, I'll find another one. So what if I am bored and stir crazy. I mean I know bed rest is way more than just being bored and stir crazy, but in the end, it is all worth it if Boo can be safely in our arms and I am sick of people acting like I'm overreacting by considering it. They were all there, they all cried with us. Why are people acting like this is a completely, healthy, run of the mill pregnancy when it so is not?
Ok, my rant is over, I just needed to get that out. Speaking of bed rest, a friend of mine who went through the same thing as me has been on bed rest with her rainbow for the past two months, and has been admitted to the hospital for hospital bed rest. Please keep her and her family, especially her little rainbow in your prayers.
The drive is nice on days when I want to just get on the freeway and think, and of course the cemetery itself is beautiful and I like that it is out in the country. But it's days like this that I wish it were closer so I could swing by and take her some flowers. Not that we have ever regretted our decision, but this is just that much more reassurance that we made the right choice by not having Kayla buried out there.
Today was my last day of using Crinone (progesterone gel). It wasn't horrible, but I am glad to be rid of it. Last time I was nervous when I went off the progesterone, worried that something would go wrong, but I feel much better about it this time. It also helped that my nurse said the placenta takes over at around 10 weeks and they do that two week overlap.
It's been bothering me lately that some people seem to act as if we're overreacting with this pregnancy. Like my worrying about being on bed rest, and my reluctance to do anything more than just walking. I mean for God's sake, our baby didn't get the sniffles, she DIED! As long as there are doctors out there that think bed rest is helpful, how can I not try it if circumstances present themselves? How could I go about my day to day routine, knowing my cervix is shortening (if that happens), knowing the same damn thing could happen again, and not try to do something about it?
I trust my doctor, but trust and agreement isn't the same. I trust that her belief based on what she has read and learned is that bed rest isn't helpful. I think doctors are amazing, I love my doctors and I know they want the best for me and my baby. But at the end of the day, if her opinion is wrong and we were to lose Boo, her life wouldn't be forever affected by it, at least not in the way ours is. At the end of the day she is a human who makes judgement calls based on her opinions, and doctors are wrong all the time.
Even if bed rest is complete hooey, even if it does absolutely no good....if I didn't try it and we lost Boo, I would never ever forgive myself. I have enough guilt over Kayla and I completely know there is nothing I did wrong or could have done different, so I will not put my baby's life in danger because some doctors don't think it is necessary, and I don't understand why some people aren't grasping that.
So what if I go on bed rest and it doesn't help? So what if I lose my job, I'll find another one. So what if I am bored and stir crazy. I mean I know bed rest is way more than just being bored and stir crazy, but in the end, it is all worth it if Boo can be safely in our arms and I am sick of people acting like I'm overreacting by considering it. They were all there, they all cried with us. Why are people acting like this is a completely, healthy, run of the mill pregnancy when it so is not?
Ok, my rant is over, I just needed to get that out. Speaking of bed rest, a friend of mine who went through the same thing as me has been on bed rest with her rainbow for the past two months, and has been admitted to the hospital for hospital bed rest. Please keep her and her family, especially her little rainbow in your prayers.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Heartbeat- 11 wks 5 days
I found the heartbeat today, finally. Well I shouldn't say finally, just shy of 12 weeks is actually a very average time to find it, but I let all the people swearing they found it at 8 weeks sway me into trying to find it way too early. I actually feel bad for people with the doppler that shows the heartrate, because I think so many people rely on just finding anything close to the range that it should be, they don't learn what the baby's heartbeat actually sounds like.
In the weeks past, I've heard things that I may have thought, as a first time mom, could be the heartbeat but I knew it wasn't. But the second I heard it today, a huge smile spread across my face and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was Boo. It couldn't have come at a better time too, I got really upset last night. The 9th anniversary of my mom's death is coming up this week, and I got upset, missing her. Like hyperventilating upset.
So once I calmed down I was very scared that I hurt Boo. I mean, it's probably not as simple as that, that you can get really upset and spontaneously miscarry, but I am sure the stress isn't good for her. So I am so thankful I found the HB today, I really really needed to hear it. I calculated the heartrate and came up with 180. I know it's an old wives tale, but I still think it's a girl. My NT scan is coming up next week...I know there is a chance they can tell the sex but I am not counting on it. Though with all of the extra monitoring I'll get, I am pretty confident we'll find out before the anatomy scan. I'm so anxious to know if we're having another daughter or a son.
In the weeks past, I've heard things that I may have thought, as a first time mom, could be the heartbeat but I knew it wasn't. But the second I heard it today, a huge smile spread across my face and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was Boo. It couldn't have come at a better time too, I got really upset last night. The 9th anniversary of my mom's death is coming up this week, and I got upset, missing her. Like hyperventilating upset.
So once I calmed down I was very scared that I hurt Boo. I mean, it's probably not as simple as that, that you can get really upset and spontaneously miscarry, but I am sure the stress isn't good for her. So I am so thankful I found the HB today, I really really needed to hear it. I calculated the heartrate and came up with 180. I know it's an old wives tale, but I still think it's a girl. My NT scan is coming up next week...I know there is a chance they can tell the sex but I am not counting on it. Though with all of the extra monitoring I'll get, I am pretty confident we'll find out before the anatomy scan. I'm so anxious to know if we're having another daughter or a son.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Dream-11 wks 5 days
I had a dream last night that I gave birth now, at 12 weeks.....except she (it was a girl) was perfectly fine and she was full term somehow. In my dream they kept referring to the whole thing as a miracle from God. I gave birth at home, so we had to get her to the hospital to make sure she was ok, and that part was scary because being born at 12 weeks (as if that could happen) meant she may not make it, so I kept checking to make sure she was ok. But once we were at the hospital and the doctors said she was fine, it was an amazing dream because I was just holding her and nursing....and of course we had nothing ready so I sent my husband out to buy the essentials.
It was one of those dreams where I woke up briefly a few times but was enjoying the dream so much that when I went back to sleep I was able to pick it up again. So now I have no clue what Boo is....I've had a boy dream and a girl dream. But I have to say, after the one last night, I know deep down I am aching for a little girl. I feel bad saying that, because of course I would love a son with all my heart, but when I look online for nursery decor, I look for girl stuff, when I picture Boo being here, I picture a girl. Granted I am sure some of that is just due to being used to expecting a girl.
But having a girl scares me a little. I already struggle with worried of replacing Kayla with Boo, and hoping Kayla understands that she'll always be in our hearts and she'll always be our first born. So if we have another girl, I worry that will fill the void....especially if she looks like Kayla. I'm having a hard time tonight, I miss my baby girl so much. I've just been staring at her picture for the last few days, I just cannot stop looking at it.
It was one of those dreams where I woke up briefly a few times but was enjoying the dream so much that when I went back to sleep I was able to pick it up again. So now I have no clue what Boo is....I've had a boy dream and a girl dream. But I have to say, after the one last night, I know deep down I am aching for a little girl. I feel bad saying that, because of course I would love a son with all my heart, but when I look online for nursery decor, I look for girl stuff, when I picture Boo being here, I picture a girl. Granted I am sure some of that is just due to being used to expecting a girl.
But having a girl scares me a little. I already struggle with worried of replacing Kayla with Boo, and hoping Kayla understands that she'll always be in our hearts and she'll always be our first born. So if we have another girl, I worry that will fill the void....especially if she looks like Kayla. I'm having a hard time tonight, I miss my baby girl so much. I've just been staring at her picture for the last few days, I just cannot stop looking at it.
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