My dinner sucked tonight. We don't have much in the house, and I am sick to death of anything I can eat that can be ordered. I already went out today to run errands and it was extremely cold, so going out for anything was out of the question.
So I had noodles, with an attempt to melt cheese over them since actual mac and cheese is too high in carbs. As I was trying to get my cat off the counter, the serving spoon fell out of the pot, taking most of the noodles with cheese on them with it. Grrrr.
I don't know if it's because I am jealous, or if it's because people are too whiney (for the record, I am NOT whining right now), I'm sick to death of hearing pregnant women say "I can't stop eating", or "I have such a sweet tooth, all I want is sugar and I can't stop". Um, yes you can, you just don't want to.
How about, I can't eat that way for the health of my baby, I have to follow a strict diet, I have to eat at certain times even if I'm not hungry and your whining because you "can't" stop stuffing your face with a whole plate of brownies? Yeah, I'm probably jealous, but I just cannot stand when people claim they can't do something when it comes to health.
Of course, I'm not the picture of health, but I own up to it. I was fat before I got pregnant because I didn't want to stop eating crap and drinking pepsi. I chose to sit on the couch rather than work out. Being pregnant is no excuse either, you're eating junk or eating all day because you want to. I guess I'll get my revenge when I hear everyone whining about trying to lose the 30+ pounds they gained and I have nothing to lose from pregnancy but right now I'm extremely irritated. And with that, I'm taking my grumpy ass to bed.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Traditions- 23 wks 2 days
I finally made it to the cemetery today, thankfully all of her stuff was still there. I figured rules were different in the baby garden about items at the grave, but since they recently did fall clean up we were worried it didn't apply and that everything would be cleared. But they weren't :) I had been to the dollar store before that, so I picked her up some small christmas balloons. My dad is going to chop off the tip of one of his pine trees in the yard so we can take her a tiny tree.
So I finally got up the courage to take her teddy bear home and wash it. It was really dirty and the muddy water was frozen, so I decided it was time. Kayla Bear is all clean and fluffy now! Since it's just going to be a mess all winter long, we decided to let Kayla Bear stay with us during the winter and take her back out in the spring. Kayla has two balloons, two spinners, a dragonfly and a nightlight at her grave, so I feel better about her not having her teddy.
I think we'll make it a tradition to keep Kayla Bear at home during the winter, and when Boo gets a little older we'll make it her special job to keep Kayla Bear safe and warm, and then she can give it back to Kayla in the spring. Speaking of traditions, we decided today that since we cannot buy Kayla a Christmas present, every year we'll make a donation to a charity in her name, preferrably a children's charity of some kind like St. Jude...maybe a different one each year. We also decided to adopt a grave.
For those that aren't familiar with that, it's where you go to the cemetery and pick out a grave that looks like it hasn't had any visitors for a while, like maybe a grave that's so old all of the surviving family members are gone. So you clean it up a little, trim the grass around it, clean off the stone and leave some flowers. It makes me happy to think of someone caring for Kayla's grave once we're long gone. But I think we'll make that a tradition for her angelversary since it will be almost spring and easier to do the maintainence.
I've had a rough couple days lately, missing Kayla. I had a good cry last night and felt better afterward. She's my daughter, of course I'll always love and miss her, I just don't get why sometimes I am pretty ok, and other times I am constantly falling apart...I guess maybe my heart keeps it together for as long as it can so I can get through the days, and then on my hard days it's because my heart can't keep up and the pain gets in. I picture the walls of my heart like a dam with a small leak, and then one day the pressure just gets to be too much and the leak turns into a big gush.
So I finally got up the courage to take her teddy bear home and wash it. It was really dirty and the muddy water was frozen, so I decided it was time. Kayla Bear is all clean and fluffy now! Since it's just going to be a mess all winter long, we decided to let Kayla Bear stay with us during the winter and take her back out in the spring. Kayla has two balloons, two spinners, a dragonfly and a nightlight at her grave, so I feel better about her not having her teddy.
I think we'll make it a tradition to keep Kayla Bear at home during the winter, and when Boo gets a little older we'll make it her special job to keep Kayla Bear safe and warm, and then she can give it back to Kayla in the spring. Speaking of traditions, we decided today that since we cannot buy Kayla a Christmas present, every year we'll make a donation to a charity in her name, preferrably a children's charity of some kind like St. Jude...maybe a different one each year. We also decided to adopt a grave.
For those that aren't familiar with that, it's where you go to the cemetery and pick out a grave that looks like it hasn't had any visitors for a while, like maybe a grave that's so old all of the surviving family members are gone. So you clean it up a little, trim the grass around it, clean off the stone and leave some flowers. It makes me happy to think of someone caring for Kayla's grave once we're long gone. But I think we'll make that a tradition for her angelversary since it will be almost spring and easier to do the maintainence.
I've had a rough couple days lately, missing Kayla. I had a good cry last night and felt better afterward. She's my daughter, of course I'll always love and miss her, I just don't get why sometimes I am pretty ok, and other times I am constantly falling apart...I guess maybe my heart keeps it together for as long as it can so I can get through the days, and then on my hard days it's because my heart can't keep up and the pain gets in. I picture the walls of my heart like a dam with a small leak, and then one day the pressure just gets to be too much and the leak turns into a big gush.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Not alone? -23 wks 1 day
Sometimes I feel so alone in my grief, like I should be over it by now. I was reading something that made the tears flow, I wasn't bawling, but I'm literally sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face and welling in my eyes, and I tried so hard to cover it up. While my co-workers haven't been THE BEST at dealing with my grief, I think they would have understood me crying four months ago, but now I think they would have looked at me like I lost my mind.
I know plenty of other people that have walked this road, I know I'm not alone, but still sometimes it's hard not to feel that way, when the majority of the people you know have not walked it. Someone posted on the loss board today about Jackie O's losses....I guess I always knew they had lost at least one child, I've seen his daughter's grave stone near his, but I didn't realize she was stillborn, and that Jackie O suffered a misscarriage, and lost their son Patrick after he was born premature and only lived a couple days.
I was curious, so I did some googling and found 21 celebrities that have lost a child and was surprised at how many there were. Most of them were early miscarriages, but devestating nonetheless. Not that celebrities going through it makes it comforting, but I think people tend to look at celebrities as having perfect lives....they're rich, famous, take grand vacations, have huge beautiful homes. But just like everyone else, tragedy can strike, and many of them suffer in silence. Sure you can find it out if you dig deep enough, but for most of the celebs listed, it wasn't common knowledge to me that they had had a miscarriage. I often find myself asking the question, why me? Why did I lose my babies, but other people get them? But there is something oddly comforting to know that the pain of losing a child can happen to anyone, rich or poor, famous or not....shit flies around and lands on somebody, and it's not picky about who it lands on. I guess it makes me feel more like I was just unlucky, rather than being singled out to have something bad happen to, if that makes any sense.
I need to go to Kayla's grave, I hate that I cannot remember the last time I was there. October 15th maybe? It's not for lack of trying, but it gets dark so early now, it's pitch black by the time I get home from work. Technically the cemetery doesn't close, so I could go, and maybe I'm being stupid about it, but I just cannot being myself to go there in the dark. If I did, it would be to just drive by, because there is no way I could get out of my car and comfortably spend any time at her grave in the pitch black. Tomorrow, I will definitely go tomorrow.
I know plenty of other people that have walked this road, I know I'm not alone, but still sometimes it's hard not to feel that way, when the majority of the people you know have not walked it. Someone posted on the loss board today about Jackie O's losses....I guess I always knew they had lost at least one child, I've seen his daughter's grave stone near his, but I didn't realize she was stillborn, and that Jackie O suffered a misscarriage, and lost their son Patrick after he was born premature and only lived a couple days.
I was curious, so I did some googling and found 21 celebrities that have lost a child and was surprised at how many there were. Most of them were early miscarriages, but devestating nonetheless. Not that celebrities going through it makes it comforting, but I think people tend to look at celebrities as having perfect lives....they're rich, famous, take grand vacations, have huge beautiful homes. But just like everyone else, tragedy can strike, and many of them suffer in silence. Sure you can find it out if you dig deep enough, but for most of the celebs listed, it wasn't common knowledge to me that they had had a miscarriage. I often find myself asking the question, why me? Why did I lose my babies, but other people get them? But there is something oddly comforting to know that the pain of losing a child can happen to anyone, rich or poor, famous or not....shit flies around and lands on somebody, and it's not picky about who it lands on. I guess it makes me feel more like I was just unlucky, rather than being singled out to have something bad happen to, if that makes any sense.
I need to go to Kayla's grave, I hate that I cannot remember the last time I was there. October 15th maybe? It's not for lack of trying, but it gets dark so early now, it's pitch black by the time I get home from work. Technically the cemetery doesn't close, so I could go, and maybe I'm being stupid about it, but I just cannot being myself to go there in the dark. If I did, it would be to just drive by, because there is no way I could get out of my car and comfortably spend any time at her grave in the pitch black. Tomorrow, I will definitely go tomorrow.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Another milestone- 23 wks
I've never seen 23 weeks before, it feels good! The 119 days to go is a little scary though, Boo will be here before we know it. I can't wait, but it's a little scary.
I had a cervix check today, holding strong at 5 cm (up from 4.7 last week) and she switched to abdominal so I could see her wiggling around a little. She was moving her mouth a lot, not sure what she was doing but it reminded me of how they exagerate cartoons snoring with their whole face contorting and blowing air out their mouth....I giggled picturing her blowing little bubbles of amniotic fluid out with each breathe.
I was stuck with Dr. A hole again, but I didn't complain because I don't usually go on Thursdays, but they couldn't get me in on Tuesday, so I suspect that is why I saw him. But none of my questions are pressing, so I just saved them for next time so it was a really quick, simple visit. They put the sheet out for me for a pelvic exam and I asked the nurse if I was still getting one even though I just had a good vaginal u/s and she said yeah, he likes to do them.
Ordinarily I am not a "go against authority person" (well, in some instances....I surprise myself from time to time) and I would just do whatever a doctor said. But his pelvic exam last time was not pleasant, and I spotted and cramped more than usual for three or four days afterward. I can handle the small spotting from a pelvic from my other doctor, but the multiple days of spotting and extra cramping really freaked me out last time. I also read a birth story the other day and the woman stressed being your own advocate and not taking everything a doctor says as gospel, you don't have to accept any treatment you don't want. So when he came in, I asked if I really needed it since I had the u/s, and he was like well, we can see that it's nice and long, so we can skip it if you want to. :)
I was supposed to go again next week, but they wanted to set my appt after that for two weeks from today instead of next week...keeping me on the weekly schedule. As much as I like the assurance, my cervix is doing great, I am past my milestone, and I haaaate not taking lunches to make up for missed time at work. So it's time I go back to every other week as long as things are going well. So we canceled next week and set it for two weeks from today.
I feel like I've gotten huge in just the last week, and despite feeling her kicks last night, I decided to use my doppler last night. It had been a while and I just felt like hearing her again. As I was putting the gel on, I was horrified to see that my belly button is seriously caving in on itself. It had been getting there for a while now, but last night was like whoa! Please don't let me get an outie, please please don't let me get an outie. I have a strange thing with belly buttons, they make me feel ill just thinking about it. I don't know how I'm going to handle cleaning around Boo's until it falls off, gross!
Speaking of Boo, I was thinking today how it's going to be weird calling her by her name once she gets here. I'm so used to Boo....of course Boo will be a nickname, but to me, her name is Boo. Maybe it will be easier to call her by her name once she's an outside baby. I ordered her a Boo doll the other day from Monster's Inc. It's not a plush doll, so it will be a while before she can play with it, but her name is Boo, I couldn't not get it.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Bored!-22 wks 6 days
I am so bored. I just technically got off lunch, but I've actually been on lunch all day. I seriously have not had one single thing to do since I got here. We're out of funds to balance, everything is up to date, and the only other small amount of work I have to do is delayed, the reports haven't come in yet. I'm sitting here reallty struggling to stay awake, and failing most of the time.
It's nice to have a light day now and again, but the day is dragging by so slow today. Thank goodness I can read my Nook online, but reading makes me sleepy. But I got some good news when I came in today. One of the higher ups sent out an email giving everyone the choice of one of four days to take off as an appreciation day and it won't count against our vacation time. I've been here for over 8 years and they've never done this before.
My options are kind of limited because my counterpart is already off two of the days, so I chose Black Friday, so now I get a four day weekend for Thanksgiving! My other option was New Year's eve, which I probably should have taken. Black Friday is an early market release day, so we can leave at 2 once the market closes at 1. But so many people have to stay all day in case any work comes in, so for those that work, they get to leave at 2 some other day. I was going to work the whole day so I could use those three hours for a day when I have an appt so I could save some sick time.
But honestly, that would only put me ahead three hours, I won't be able to bank enough sick time for an extra day off should I need to call in. So more than likely I would be tempted to use those three hours to go home early some day or something. I tend to have a harder time going to work when I have time to use. Besides, next month I'll earn more vacation time so if need be I'll have that. And a four day weekend sounded really really good. I also have a late doctor appointment next Tuesday so I won't get in until 11:30 or 12, so I barely work next week. I'm so excited!
I also came up with a plan to clean the jumperoo...since I can't get the parts off to wash it, I'm going to put it in the bed of the pick up and go to one of those self car washes and blast it. That out to get into all the little nooks and crannys as well as clean all of the fabric parts. I'm so smart sometimes I can't stand it.
I felt huge last night, and then when I went to bed I laid on my side and I felt like my belly was hanging, and I couldn't get comfortable. I don't always use my snoogle since it can be cumbersome but I got it last night and wow, instant comfort. I think once I snuggled up in there I was asleep within minutes. It's seriously a lifesaver. I cannot even fathom how huge I'm going to get as we get near 9 months if I already feel huge now.
I had a strange thought last night. Now granted my first pregnancy only lasted a few days, but nonetheless this is my third pregnancy. Pregnant I am used to, in fact I'm starting to feel like I've been pregnant my whole life. And even though bringing our baby home has been what we have wanted for a long time now, sometimes I still have that panicked fleeting thought of....holy shit, we're going to have a kid! I mean, sometimes I get so focused on this pregnancy and worrying about whether or not we'll make it that sometimes I forget that if all goes well, we'll actually end up with a child in the end and she'll be ours forever. Sheesh, that's a little scary. I'm sure all new moms go through this, but sometimes I am utterly terrified that I won't have the first clue what to do.
It's nice to have a light day now and again, but the day is dragging by so slow today. Thank goodness I can read my Nook online, but reading makes me sleepy. But I got some good news when I came in today. One of the higher ups sent out an email giving everyone the choice of one of four days to take off as an appreciation day and it won't count against our vacation time. I've been here for over 8 years and they've never done this before.
My options are kind of limited because my counterpart is already off two of the days, so I chose Black Friday, so now I get a four day weekend for Thanksgiving! My other option was New Year's eve, which I probably should have taken. Black Friday is an early market release day, so we can leave at 2 once the market closes at 1. But so many people have to stay all day in case any work comes in, so for those that work, they get to leave at 2 some other day. I was going to work the whole day so I could use those three hours for a day when I have an appt so I could save some sick time.
But honestly, that would only put me ahead three hours, I won't be able to bank enough sick time for an extra day off should I need to call in. So more than likely I would be tempted to use those three hours to go home early some day or something. I tend to have a harder time going to work when I have time to use. Besides, next month I'll earn more vacation time so if need be I'll have that. And a four day weekend sounded really really good. I also have a late doctor appointment next Tuesday so I won't get in until 11:30 or 12, so I barely work next week. I'm so excited!
I also came up with a plan to clean the jumperoo...since I can't get the parts off to wash it, I'm going to put it in the bed of the pick up and go to one of those self car washes and blast it. That out to get into all the little nooks and crannys as well as clean all of the fabric parts. I'm so smart sometimes I can't stand it.
I felt huge last night, and then when I went to bed I laid on my side and I felt like my belly was hanging, and I couldn't get comfortable. I don't always use my snoogle since it can be cumbersome but I got it last night and wow, instant comfort. I think once I snuggled up in there I was asleep within minutes. It's seriously a lifesaver. I cannot even fathom how huge I'm going to get as we get near 9 months if I already feel huge now.
I had a strange thought last night. Now granted my first pregnancy only lasted a few days, but nonetheless this is my third pregnancy. Pregnant I am used to, in fact I'm starting to feel like I've been pregnant my whole life. And even though bringing our baby home has been what we have wanted for a long time now, sometimes I still have that panicked fleeting thought of....holy shit, we're going to have a kid! I mean, sometimes I get so focused on this pregnancy and worrying about whether or not we'll make it that sometimes I forget that if all goes well, we'll actually end up with a child in the end and she'll be ours forever. Sheesh, that's a little scary. I'm sure all new moms go through this, but sometimes I am utterly terrified that I won't have the first clue what to do.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Clean house- 22 wks 4 days
My house is clean! Well sort of....I literally spent all day cleaning and doing odd jobs around the house yesterday. Our house was terrible before, clutter everywhere, two new containers of cat litter had been sitting in the kitchen for over a month now, waiting for my husband to take them downstairs, empty 12 pack pop containers sitting around, luggage still from Vegas, ugh!
I got all of the clutter picked up in the living room and kitchen, I vacuumed, did dishes and swept the floor. So I didn't do much hardcore cleaning as I did straightening up, but it looks so much better. Now that I am starting with a clean slate, I can try getting back to my cleaning schedule where I clean one thing each day. There is still some of my husband's clutter that I don't know what to do with, but honestly I don't like a pristine home. Once I get on a cleaning kick I have a hard time stopping, and if our house is "stranger presentable" then I obsess over every little dirt spec and item out of place. But if it's just normal people clean with some stuff here and there to look like we do in fact life there, I can relax. I know I'm weird.
I don't know where my energy came from yesterday but I just couldn't stop. I tried a few times to relax and do nothing, but I kept thinking of new things to do. I also washed all of the baby clothes my friend gave me as well as the baby carrier, I wiped down and/or washed any of the items she gave me like the activity mat, the bumpo seat and a few other items that I don't know what they're called. Unfortunately we have to toss the jumperoo. I cannot figure out how to get any of the plush animals or the seat cover off to wash them, and there is some visible crusty stuff on some of the animals and I just can't bring myself to use it without being able to clean it well.
It's too bad because it's an item I would like, and I checked it out on Babies R Us and it's a $100 item. But she gave me so much useful stuff I really can't complain. Some of the stuff I'll be taking to my dad's since he'll need stuff there. I'm excited to see the nursery coming together, even though it's still a complete mess and doesn't really resemble a nursery yet.
Today I made a list of things I want to organize, like closets, our bedroom, and the basement. I have no clue when I'll get the list done, but I'll tackle each thing as I have time and energy. I'm especially excited to do our room...it's such a mess, and I know I have a ton of clothes I should get rid of, or at least store. I hate to get rid of "skinny clothes" because some of them are really cute and I do plan to be able to wear them again some day, but there is just no room for them with my current clothes right now. So I'll give some away, but hopefully can store some too.
The main thing is I need to make our bedroom into a non-tripping hazard. I get up at least once or twice a night to go to the bathroom and it's really hard to walk in the dark, half asleep as it is, let alone with junk everywhere. But I refuse to do that once I have to get up to check on Boo, so our bedroom is my first task on my list.
Ugh, I have a sinus headache....for some reason I seem to be more prone to them while pregnant. I guess they're better than a migraine though. I've decided to start listening to headphones at work....this lady that drives me insane (she's very noisy, she makes an array of annoying noises through out the day) is back from vacation this week and already driving me nuts. In the morning she has this dry hacky cough, in the afternoon she makes these small grunt noises (???) and lately she's been talking to herself. I am often in a decent mood when I get to work, only for it to be squashed by annoying people, so I think headphones are a good solution.
I got all of the clutter picked up in the living room and kitchen, I vacuumed, did dishes and swept the floor. So I didn't do much hardcore cleaning as I did straightening up, but it looks so much better. Now that I am starting with a clean slate, I can try getting back to my cleaning schedule where I clean one thing each day. There is still some of my husband's clutter that I don't know what to do with, but honestly I don't like a pristine home. Once I get on a cleaning kick I have a hard time stopping, and if our house is "stranger presentable" then I obsess over every little dirt spec and item out of place. But if it's just normal people clean with some stuff here and there to look like we do in fact life there, I can relax. I know I'm weird.
I don't know where my energy came from yesterday but I just couldn't stop. I tried a few times to relax and do nothing, but I kept thinking of new things to do. I also washed all of the baby clothes my friend gave me as well as the baby carrier, I wiped down and/or washed any of the items she gave me like the activity mat, the bumpo seat and a few other items that I don't know what they're called. Unfortunately we have to toss the jumperoo. I cannot figure out how to get any of the plush animals or the seat cover off to wash them, and there is some visible crusty stuff on some of the animals and I just can't bring myself to use it without being able to clean it well.
It's too bad because it's an item I would like, and I checked it out on Babies R Us and it's a $100 item. But she gave me so much useful stuff I really can't complain. Some of the stuff I'll be taking to my dad's since he'll need stuff there. I'm excited to see the nursery coming together, even though it's still a complete mess and doesn't really resemble a nursery yet.
Today I made a list of things I want to organize, like closets, our bedroom, and the basement. I have no clue when I'll get the list done, but I'll tackle each thing as I have time and energy. I'm especially excited to do our room...it's such a mess, and I know I have a ton of clothes I should get rid of, or at least store. I hate to get rid of "skinny clothes" because some of them are really cute and I do plan to be able to wear them again some day, but there is just no room for them with my current clothes right now. So I'll give some away, but hopefully can store some too.
The main thing is I need to make our bedroom into a non-tripping hazard. I get up at least once or twice a night to go to the bathroom and it's really hard to walk in the dark, half asleep as it is, let alone with junk everywhere. But I refuse to do that once I have to get up to check on Boo, so our bedroom is my first task on my list.
Ugh, I have a sinus headache....for some reason I seem to be more prone to them while pregnant. I guess they're better than a migraine though. I've decided to start listening to headphones at work....this lady that drives me insane (she's very noisy, she makes an array of annoying noises through out the day) is back from vacation this week and already driving me nuts. In the morning she has this dry hacky cough, in the afternoon she makes these small grunt noises (???) and lately she's been talking to herself. I am often in a decent mood when I get to work, only for it to be squashed by annoying people, so I think headphones are a good solution.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Today.....22 wks 3 days
...is the most pregnant I have ever been! I am passed my milestone and we are so happy! It was a little difficult, but I credit my sanity to my doctors for giving in to my every whim and giving me so much monitoring. I honestly think without it I would be a complete basketcase and worried all the time (instead of just most of the time). Though I will admit, I am a little nervous because we are headed into unchartered terrirtory. I've never been this far, I don't know what to expect. But as someone said on my BMB, I guess nobody does. This pregnancy has been so different from my first....while I didn't have a ton of spotting episodes like last time, I had that big scary gush of bleeding early on. I had terrible morning sickness that doesn't seem to want to give up, and as of right now I can still feel my hands, whereas last time the feeling was long gone weeks ago.
But it's still scary, but a good scary. I'll never get anywhere if I don't go into the unknown, and eventually my baby will be at the end of my journey. My husband and I took our camper up north Friday night to park it at my dad's place for the winter instead of paying for storage. So we slept in it for the first time. The bed was quite uncomfortable, the camper wasn't leveled since we got in so late and didn't bother so we were tipped to the right quite a bit, and our heads were slightly lower than our feet so most of my body was asleep through out the night.
We already winterized it, so while we had lights and heat, we didn't have water so we had to have a bucket to pee in through the night. Thank God for that though, I got up three times, and there was no way I was going to go outside, and walk the 10 yards in the middle of the night to my dad's place for his bathroom. The next morning I was a little nervous when I had been up for a few hours and realized I hadn't felt her move yet. Truthfully though, most times I don't notice when she hasn't moved in a while....I do feel her every day, but at this point it's still too early to feel her often. But I think because it was my loss milestone and because I was 300 miles away from my doppler, it made me nervous. But she woke up not long after breakfast and said hello :)
So I made my dad tell my grandma before we got there, and then Ryan and I stopped to see her on our way out of town yesterday. It was a very short trip, just to get the camper there and we had to be back because he had a run this morning. This sounds really really bad, but I only go see my grandma because I have to. I would never hear the end of it if I was in town and didn't stop. There are a few reasons for that....I am one of like 28 grandkids. Boo will be one of 17 great-grandkids. When we were little, we only came to visit every couple of months and I was very shy. But even if it weren't for all of that, my grandma is just a hard person to know. She's a woman of few words, she won't say much if you do something right, but she sure will let you know (and everyone else) if you do something wrong.
I love my grandma, I do....but we're not close at all, and honestly if I hadn't seen her this weekend it really wouldn't have made a difference to me. I don't really miss her when I haven't seen her in a long time, it's more of an obligatory relationship than anything. It also doesn't help that she says whatever is on her mind, and it's not the old age thing either, she's always been like that. She often bakes pies, so yesterday her kitchen table had pies, and other assorted goodies on it as always. I said how it was torture because with my diabetes I cannot eat that stuff. So she remarked, well from the looks of it you're eating something....I was like that's baby, and she said it's not all baby.
Ok first of all, I was overweight before I got pregnant, so of course I am not going to magically turn into a skinny pregnant woman. But I have grand plans to get back into shape once Boo is here....I did it before, I can do it again. Secondly, I've been working very very hard to stick to my GD diet and I think I've been doing very well. I have not gained one single pound with this pregnancy, in fact I am still down 6 pounds from what I weighed when I got pregnant and my doctors praise me and tell me I'm doing great. Third, just because our babies are small still and our tummies get big, doesn't mean it is fat. All of the skin, blood, fluid, and organs that were there before had to go somewhere as baby gets bigger, so they get pushed up. Yeah it's not all baby, but I do have internal organs that are trying to find some room in there.
And finally, even if I did eat a ton and gained a ton of weight, it doesn't need to be said! I know, blah blah she's old, but it still really hurt my feelings, especially when I have been doing so well and working so hard and I get no credit for it. And, while my health is a concern, the number one thing I care about is that Boo gets here safe and healthy, so I could really give a rat's ass if you think I have been eating bad, my baby is still alive and that's all I care about.
This is going to sound really really bad, but sometimes I get really angry that my sweet, loving, amazing grandma who was one of my best friends, and would never ever say anything hurtful to me is gone, and the grandma that I've never been close to at all and says things like that to me is still here. It's really not fair. I mean, everyone says my grandma loves children, but really what's another one to her? When we tell her our news, she just says oh? She doesn't congratulate us, she doesn't say how happy she is for us and it's another one of 17.
But I never got to tell my other grandma any of our good news, she would have been over the moon happy for us. And counting Kayla, Boo would have only been her third great-grandchild and she would have loved and cherished her every single day. I'm just mad and angry that she didn't get to be here to celebrate this stuff with us, and the grandma who is more concerned with making me feel bad is.
But today is a happy day, so I'm going to forget about that. I just had to get it off my chest. It's a dreary rainy Sunday, a perfect day for cleaning the house. I am so behind on housework and clutter is about to swallow us whole, so I'm going to go blast my Pandora and get to work.
But it's still scary, but a good scary. I'll never get anywhere if I don't go into the unknown, and eventually my baby will be at the end of my journey. My husband and I took our camper up north Friday night to park it at my dad's place for the winter instead of paying for storage. So we slept in it for the first time. The bed was quite uncomfortable, the camper wasn't leveled since we got in so late and didn't bother so we were tipped to the right quite a bit, and our heads were slightly lower than our feet so most of my body was asleep through out the night.
We already winterized it, so while we had lights and heat, we didn't have water so we had to have a bucket to pee in through the night. Thank God for that though, I got up three times, and there was no way I was going to go outside, and walk the 10 yards in the middle of the night to my dad's place for his bathroom. The next morning I was a little nervous when I had been up for a few hours and realized I hadn't felt her move yet. Truthfully though, most times I don't notice when she hasn't moved in a while....I do feel her every day, but at this point it's still too early to feel her often. But I think because it was my loss milestone and because I was 300 miles away from my doppler, it made me nervous. But she woke up not long after breakfast and said hello :)
So I made my dad tell my grandma before we got there, and then Ryan and I stopped to see her on our way out of town yesterday. It was a very short trip, just to get the camper there and we had to be back because he had a run this morning. This sounds really really bad, but I only go see my grandma because I have to. I would never hear the end of it if I was in town and didn't stop. There are a few reasons for that....I am one of like 28 grandkids. Boo will be one of 17 great-grandkids. When we were little, we only came to visit every couple of months and I was very shy. But even if it weren't for all of that, my grandma is just a hard person to know. She's a woman of few words, she won't say much if you do something right, but she sure will let you know (and everyone else) if you do something wrong.
I love my grandma, I do....but we're not close at all, and honestly if I hadn't seen her this weekend it really wouldn't have made a difference to me. I don't really miss her when I haven't seen her in a long time, it's more of an obligatory relationship than anything. It also doesn't help that she says whatever is on her mind, and it's not the old age thing either, she's always been like that. She often bakes pies, so yesterday her kitchen table had pies, and other assorted goodies on it as always. I said how it was torture because with my diabetes I cannot eat that stuff. So she remarked, well from the looks of it you're eating something....I was like that's baby, and she said it's not all baby.
Ok first of all, I was overweight before I got pregnant, so of course I am not going to magically turn into a skinny pregnant woman. But I have grand plans to get back into shape once Boo is here....I did it before, I can do it again. Secondly, I've been working very very hard to stick to my GD diet and I think I've been doing very well. I have not gained one single pound with this pregnancy, in fact I am still down 6 pounds from what I weighed when I got pregnant and my doctors praise me and tell me I'm doing great. Third, just because our babies are small still and our tummies get big, doesn't mean it is fat. All of the skin, blood, fluid, and organs that were there before had to go somewhere as baby gets bigger, so they get pushed up. Yeah it's not all baby, but I do have internal organs that are trying to find some room in there.
And finally, even if I did eat a ton and gained a ton of weight, it doesn't need to be said! I know, blah blah she's old, but it still really hurt my feelings, especially when I have been doing so well and working so hard and I get no credit for it. And, while my health is a concern, the number one thing I care about is that Boo gets here safe and healthy, so I could really give a rat's ass if you think I have been eating bad, my baby is still alive and that's all I care about.
This is going to sound really really bad, but sometimes I get really angry that my sweet, loving, amazing grandma who was one of my best friends, and would never ever say anything hurtful to me is gone, and the grandma that I've never been close to at all and says things like that to me is still here. It's really not fair. I mean, everyone says my grandma loves children, but really what's another one to her? When we tell her our news, she just says oh? She doesn't congratulate us, she doesn't say how happy she is for us and it's another one of 17.
But I never got to tell my other grandma any of our good news, she would have been over the moon happy for us. And counting Kayla, Boo would have only been her third great-grandchild and she would have loved and cherished her every single day. I'm just mad and angry that she didn't get to be here to celebrate this stuff with us, and the grandma who is more concerned with making me feel bad is.
But today is a happy day, so I'm going to forget about that. I just had to get it off my chest. It's a dreary rainy Sunday, a perfect day for cleaning the house. I am so behind on housework and clutter is about to swallow us whole, so I'm going to go blast my Pandora and get to work.
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