Thursday, October 6, 2016
Capture your grief, day 5
5. THE UNSPOKEN | Normalizing grief is so important and that I why today I am calling upon those who feel brave enough to speak about the nitty gritty side of grief. Share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children by or maybe it is something you fear about the future. Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn’t normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say “Hey, I feel that way too!” and the fear of feeling like we are crazy is lifted and in some cases embraced!
I can definitely relate to this. So many of my thoughts make me feel like such a bad person, but when I find out that not only someone else feels the same way, but it's a pretty common feeling, it makes me feel like I am not alone.
Some of the not so bad, but weird ones I had were, when I stopped bleeding after Kayla was born. I was mad, and sad. That made no sense to me. Nobody likes having their period and nobody likes post partum bleeding, but nobody especially likes it when it is a reminder that you just gave birth, but you didn't bring your baby home. So when the bleeding stopped, I thought I would feel better, but instead it made me mad. I guess because my body was physically moving on, and healing itself, but my mind and heart was no where near being ready to do that.
Another feeling I had was seeing the beauty in some of the moments with Kayla. You wouldn't think you could find anything beautiful about holding your dead baby....but she was still MY baby, and that moment was amazing. It felt weird to say that her birth was one of the worst, yet best moments in my life. But it was. It just was.
So now onto the grittier ones. I hate seeing pregnancy announcements. Even now that we have Emily and we are so happy, they still hurt. I don't want others to be struck by tragedy, I don't want others to go through what I went through. But I wanted it to be easy for us, like it seems to be for them. I wonder why tragedy struck us, and why we had to not only deal with IF, but also an early loss, and also a later loss. It terrifies me that I am just cursed somehow, and that I have to forever worry about Emily, over and above the normal parent worries. I have a hard time seeing announcements for a second baby (or more). It's silly, because in many ways, I am very happy with just Emily, and most days I think whew, I can't imagine being pregnant while trying to keep up with Em. Or, I can't imagine trying to deal with two temper tantrums at once.
In some ways I do wonder if I was always meant to have just one living child. I loved my independence before we had kids, I loved quiet, I loved my life being simple. Having just one child allows me to keep some of that independence. When we're out in public, I only have to tend to her. When she's quietly playing or watching Tv, I can do whatever I want to do. I only have to shop for one new wardrobe each season, worry about one kids' toys for Christmas, save for just one kid's college savings. But, I can't deny the fact that if we had not dealt with infertility and had been able to have kids sooner, not dealt with loss and high risk pregnancies, and not dealt with advanced maternal age, I am almost certain I would have wanted to have another child. So I am jealous of others who weren't robbed of that desire.
I am also jealous of women whose babies were born earlier, and lived....even if they only lived for five minutes. What I wouldn't give to have felt the weight of my live baby in my arms, to feel her squirming around, to hear her cry. I know it may not have made a difference in my grief, at the time I was thankful Kayla was stillborn so she didn't have to suffer. So perhaps it would have been harder to have hope if she was born alive, and then still have to say goodbye, or to know or even worry that she was in any pain. But still, when I hear of a baby born earlier than 22 weeks 2 days, that was born alive, I think to myself, how come that baby was, but Kayla wasn't?
I often feel guilty over being thankful sometimes that Kayla didn't survive. My step-sister was born right around the same gestation, and she has cerebral palsy. She is relatively high functioning in that she can walk, and talk and she does enjoy things like listening to country music.....but she is legally blind, really cannot be left on her own for more than a couple of hours and cannot really be part of conversations as she often doesn't understand what we are talking about, or she gets just parts of the conversation and ad libs and of course we listen to her and let her be a part of it, but she is not high enough functioning to be able to sit and really converse with her.
I see her having difficulty getting around because she cannot see well enough, I see her being so dependent on her mom, I think about the fact that she'll never get married or have kids, or be independent. I see my step-mom getting so frustrated sometimes, because she basically has a 7 year old for life. When we have kids, they're supposed to gain independence from you and one day be able to fly on their own. Even at 2.5, Emily can mostly feed herself, dress herself, she entertains herself, she can even get up on the big potty all by herself. One day she'll go to school, and start hanging out with friends, and then one day hopefully move out on her own, find someone she loves, hopefully give us a few grand kids and live her own life. But my step-sister will never get to do that, and my step-mom will never get her own life back. I see her stressed all the time, as her daughter requires a lot of attention, and is very dependent on her, despite the fact that she can and does do many things on her own, she just doesn't like to do them. My step-mom has to plan her day around when her daughter will get home from work (a day program she goes to) and cannot go out of town without her unless she has care arranged for her.
If Kayla had lived, I would have done anything in my power to save her as any loving mother would do. I would have loved her regardless of whatever limitations she had, and whatever help she would forever need from me. But sometimes I am grateful that she didn't have to possibly face that future. I am grateful that I didn't have to make that decision, to continue her life because I loved her, when maybe that wasn't the best thing for her.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Capture your grief, Day 4
4. SUPPORT CIRCLES | Have you felt supported in this journey of grief and healing? Maybe it is a friend, family member or organization that has been there for you. Share how they have helped you and let them know how grateful you are. Please feel welcome to post links if you would like to share about a charity or support group
I, like most people who have gone through a loss, have been the victim of the "well-meaning" person, who says something that just cuts you to the core. They supposedly say it with good intentions, not knowing what else to say. But it turns out to be so back handed, so cruel that it's hard to believe they actually thought it could make you feel better.
Luckily, for every person who said something awful to me, I have several friends and family who have been so supportive. Like my dad and stepmom who make sure to take fresh flowers to my baby's grave, my inlaws who include her in their count of their grandchildren, my best friend who listens to me when I need to rant, or ramble, or cry. My husband, my partner in all of this, the only other person on this earth that knows exactly what I went through. The stranger doing my toes, who notices the tiny footprint tattooed on my ankle, and listens to me talk about my first born. I am convinced they are all angels, masquerading on earth as people.
The Tears Foundation, who not only supports bereaved parents each year with a walk to remember their little ones, and a chance to say their name, and stand proudly and say that is my daughter or son, but who also helps raise money to help newly bereaved parents, to be able to afford the funeral costs to lay their angels to rest.
I think perhaps the thing that has helped me most, is the message boards where I can connect with other loss moms. Where I can get support, from people who have been there. Where I can hear that other people feel the exact same way I am feeling, and to know it is normal and I am not alone. People who are there to offer support on my bad days, and people who are needing support on my good days. I don't know where I would be without any of them. People don't like to talk about pregnancy and infant loss. They hear the words and you can tell they just want to run away. It can be one of the most isolating things in the world. You're suddenly this lepper, who might give your baby loss germs to someone else and cause them to lose their baby. I hate that other people have to go through this awful thing, but to be supported by others who have been there is truly a life saver.
Capture your grief, day 3
3. WHAT IT FELT LIKE | In honour of this month of awareness today we give the outside world some insight into what it is like to be a bereaved parent by sharing what a certain experience that you had during your grief journey. This can be a positive or negative (or both) experience. Some experiences that you could share about are what it felt like to hear the words “There is no heartbeat” or maybe you had an experience where some did something very special in memory of your children. Pick a moment and share how it made you feel.
I remember the moment so clearly. I was laying in a bed in OB Triage. We had been there for about 20 minutes, and a very nice nurse had just finished using the doppler, where we heard the beautiful, strong heartbeat of our little girl. We had come to the hospital because I was having cramps. They felt like period cramps, and had been around for about 3 days, but this day they were stronger and more intense. I knew something wasn't right, so I called my doctor and she told me to come in.
The nurse assured me that the cramps were probably just all the stretching and growing that was going on. She was very warm and nurturing. I was scared on the way in, but not that scared. I was certain that if I was in labor, they could give me something to stop it, keep me for observation, and I would have a story to tell at work on Monday.
Since I was just two weeks shy of viability, they wouldn't hook me up to the fetal monitor, so she did the doppler to make sure there was a heartbeat. When we heard it, and how strong it was, a huge sense of relief came over me. Everything was going to be ok, we'd be going home soon, and my girl was ok.
The nurse walked out, and then popped back in to say that my urine sample had some blood in it, so I probably had a bladder infection or something. I had had a symptom less one back when I first got pregnant, so I assumed it was the same issue. A few minutes later that doctor came in, and she was everything the other nurse wasn't. She was very business like, and to the point. Before she even finished the (very painful) exam, she said I was dilated four centimeters and she could feel the bag right at my cervix. Testing also confirmed that the discharge I thought I was having, was actually amniotic fluid, so my water had not broken, but it was leaking.
I can still remember the exact way I felt in those moments. It was like anything outside of that curtained bay was standing still, I had tunnel vision. My heart began pounding through my chest as I was trying to understand what she had just told me. As matter of factly and as monotone as if she were telling me the drive thru was out of fries, she said I would likely deliver soon, and that my baby would not survive. She said they would keep me at least overnight, and if I was still pregnant by Monday (this was Saturday night) then they would do some further testing.
If? If I was still pregnant on Monday? I couldn't make sense of what she was saying. How could I not still be pregnant on Monday? I thought I was going home, I thought I would be at work on Monday. I had just heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat, she was still alive, she was still perfectly healthy, but this woman just told me she would be born soon, and she wouldn't survive. It was like I was screaming no no no no no inside my head, but no one could hear me. I was desperate, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I was desperately trying to wake myself up, to realize that this was not happening, and that my baby would be fine. I was trying to think of some way, trying to plead with someone, anyone, who could change the outcome. Trying to think of some way to get anyone to help me, and make my baby be ok.
That moment could only be compared to the exact minute the machines beeped above my mom's hospital bed, when the nurse came in and said she was shutting things down, because she had just passed. My chest felt tight, and I desperately needed this to not be true. As I laid in my hospital bed that night, in the dark, alone except for my sleeping husband on the "dad bed" across the room, I felt my little girl kicking me. Telling me she was still there, and that broke my heart even more. There was nothing wrong with her. She wasn't sick, or suffering, she wasn't missing any limbs or vital organs. She was perfect and just needed a safe place to grow for 4 more months. It made me sick with sadness that I couldn't give that to her. That I was laying there, feeling my sweet baby move around inside me, knowing that in a few more hours, she would be dead, because I couldn't protect her.
Losing my mom was so hard, but not being able to protect my baby, not being able to do the one thing a mother is supposed to do for their child, was the single most awful moment in my entire life.
I remember the moment so clearly. I was laying in a bed in OB Triage. We had been there for about 20 minutes, and a very nice nurse had just finished using the doppler, where we heard the beautiful, strong heartbeat of our little girl. We had come to the hospital because I was having cramps. They felt like period cramps, and had been around for about 3 days, but this day they were stronger and more intense. I knew something wasn't right, so I called my doctor and she told me to come in.
The nurse assured me that the cramps were probably just all the stretching and growing that was going on. She was very warm and nurturing. I was scared on the way in, but not that scared. I was certain that if I was in labor, they could give me something to stop it, keep me for observation, and I would have a story to tell at work on Monday.
Since I was just two weeks shy of viability, they wouldn't hook me up to the fetal monitor, so she did the doppler to make sure there was a heartbeat. When we heard it, and how strong it was, a huge sense of relief came over me. Everything was going to be ok, we'd be going home soon, and my girl was ok.
The nurse walked out, and then popped back in to say that my urine sample had some blood in it, so I probably had a bladder infection or something. I had had a symptom less one back when I first got pregnant, so I assumed it was the same issue. A few minutes later that doctor came in, and she was everything the other nurse wasn't. She was very business like, and to the point. Before she even finished the (very painful) exam, she said I was dilated four centimeters and she could feel the bag right at my cervix. Testing also confirmed that the discharge I thought I was having, was actually amniotic fluid, so my water had not broken, but it was leaking.
I can still remember the exact way I felt in those moments. It was like anything outside of that curtained bay was standing still, I had tunnel vision. My heart began pounding through my chest as I was trying to understand what she had just told me. As matter of factly and as monotone as if she were telling me the drive thru was out of fries, she said I would likely deliver soon, and that my baby would not survive. She said they would keep me at least overnight, and if I was still pregnant by Monday (this was Saturday night) then they would do some further testing.
If? If I was still pregnant on Monday? I couldn't make sense of what she was saying. How could I not still be pregnant on Monday? I thought I was going home, I thought I would be at work on Monday. I had just heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat, she was still alive, she was still perfectly healthy, but this woman just told me she would be born soon, and she wouldn't survive. It was like I was screaming no no no no no inside my head, but no one could hear me. I was desperate, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I was desperately trying to wake myself up, to realize that this was not happening, and that my baby would be fine. I was trying to think of some way, trying to plead with someone, anyone, who could change the outcome. Trying to think of some way to get anyone to help me, and make my baby be ok.
That moment could only be compared to the exact minute the machines beeped above my mom's hospital bed, when the nurse came in and said she was shutting things down, because she had just passed. My chest felt tight, and I desperately needed this to not be true. As I laid in my hospital bed that night, in the dark, alone except for my sleeping husband on the "dad bed" across the room, I felt my little girl kicking me. Telling me she was still there, and that broke my heart even more. There was nothing wrong with her. She wasn't sick, or suffering, she wasn't missing any limbs or vital organs. She was perfect and just needed a safe place to grow for 4 more months. It made me sick with sadness that I couldn't give that to her. That I was laying there, feeling my sweet baby move around inside me, knowing that in a few more hours, she would be dead, because I couldn't protect her.
Losing my mom was so hard, but not being able to protect my baby, not being able to do the one thing a mother is supposed to do for their child, was the single most awful moment in my entire life.
Capture your grief, day 2
Time has gotten away from me, and I missed the start of October. While beautiful, we have still had a few unseasonably warmer days, so I completely forgot what month it is (is it bad that I often forget what time of year it is as well??).
Since today is only day 4, I will play catch up, but I will skip day 1 just because I didn't get a sunrise pic that day and I don't feel like cheating on that one. Though I wish I had realized the project was going on. I couldn't sleep at all last night, so I was wide awake at sunrise this morning. I could have at least gotten today's sunrise.
So.....
Day 2: WHO THEY ARE
I'm going to include out first bean in this as well, since the poor little guy doesn't get talked about much. For me, while devastating at the time, my first loss was not the same level of grief and did not have the same impact on me that losing Kayla did. I still think about that baby, I still think about him every August when he would have been born, and I know he would have just turned four a month or so ago. But with him, I found out the great news, and four days later he was gone. My grief was more about the what could have been, than it was actually losing him, unlike with Kayla, where we had a tangible baby to hold, with 10 tiny tiny toes and ten teensy fingers.
I don't even know if he was a boy or not, but in my heart I feel like he was. We had been trying for 7 months...not an incredibly long time at all, but ask anyone who is TTC and even one month can feel like an eternity, so 7 is a lifetime. But it was even harder to endure, because my previously clockwork-like periods went MIA the very first month we started trying. I think I might have ovulated two or three times in that 7 months, my cycles were long and very irregular and while I was against it at first, I couldn't even try charting when I decided to give it a whirl, because my cycles were so messed up, I didn't know where I was in the cycle, or when I might O. I was lost.
On top of that, our times of trying were very few and far in between. Without knowing when to try, It became very frustrating early on, and I felt like we were just closing our eyes and randomly shooting a gun, with almost no hope of hitting the target. Then one day in November, I took an OPK. I don't know why, I hadn't taken one in forever, and I had no real reason to. To my shock and amazement, it was positive. I ran around the house, screaming and whooping and hollering. I had never seen a positive before, it was just so damn exciting. I had no clue where I was in the surge...did I still have a few days till ovulation? Was I about to ovulate that day? Unfortunately we only got the chance to do the deed once after that OPK, but for whatever reason, I felt calm. I wasn't stressed that it wasn't enough.
I decided to take the test exactly two weeks from the day I got the OPK. If that time was like the others, I usually Od about 3 to 4 days after my last positive. So that would have made O day on a Tuesday, making me 11DPO or there abouts when I tested, but I assumed I was further than that at the time. The 2WW wasn't awful, like I said, I just felt like it would be "when" I got the positive, not if. I somehow just knew it would be positive. Was I just optimistic because it was our first real shot at conceiving since we hit my fertile window, or did I truly somehow know? I have no clue, but I woke up early that morning, not being able to sleep any longer, I tested, and got my positive.
I don't think I had ever been so happy in my life. I was beyond elated. I also felt like it was some kind of miracle that I had been having so much difficulty with Oing, and here I just happened to catch it, got it on the first (and only) try, and it was December 3rd, which meant I was somehow so incredibly lucky to be able to announce to our family's on Christmas morning.
But sadly, like I somehow knew Baby B was coming, I also somehow knew he was going. My happiness didn't last long, I was nervous, scared, and anxious. I walked around with a pit in my stomach for days, worrying that something was wrong, despite having no reason to think that. The evening of December 6th I was reading in bed, and I was crampy, as I had been since I found out. That is probably what made me so nervous, but I later found out it was very normal to cramp. But somehow in my case I knew it wasn't. I used the bathroom before bed, and was relieved to see no blood on my pantyliner. But then, when I wiped, there it was. Light pink streaks on the toilet paper. I knew that could be normal, but for me I knew it wasn't. I went to bed that night with a heavy heart.
I woke up the next morning, still crampy. I cannot remember if there was blood on my panty liner, but after a few seconds I looked down and saw that the toilet water was completely red. My little bean was gone. Thankfully, being so early, the physical aspect wasn't too bad. It felt like a slightly more painful period, but emotionally I was crushed. Our little bean was only with us for four days, that December of 2011. We never told our families, not until a long time later when we were still having troubles conceiving. It was so hard to not have their support. We never gave him a name. I know some people do, but for us it just didn't seem right. The following October, when little bean would have been about 2 to 3 months old, I dreamed I was rocking a baby back and forth in a stroller, and it was a boy that was about 2 to 3 months old. My little bean.
A year later, as we approached the one year anniversary of our loss, I got my second positive pregnancy test. It was November 14, 2012. I was happy, but cautiously so. It was nerve wracking, especially those first few weeks. I knew it was likely that my first loss wasn't indicative of more losses to come. Lots of women have a loss or two, and then go on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy, but still I was scared. I wanted this so bad, so I was afraid to believe. But once we passed 4 weeks 2 days, I breathed a small sigh of relief. And again when we saw the baby's heartbeat, and again when we officially crossed into second tri. For those that don't know any better, it's the safe period. The point where you can pretty much say, you're bringing a baby home in 6 months. But sadly, many of us know differently. It got easier to breathe with each passing week. I did have a few episodes of spotting, the first time really freaked me out, but by the third or so time, I was pretty certain that was just my normal, and things would be ok.
At 18 weeks we had a beautiful anatomy scan, and found out we were having a little girl. Either would have been great, and I had actually been really certain it was a boy. But deep down, I was secretly thrilled to be having a girl. I couldn't wait. We named her Kayla Kathryn. Kayla was my husband's favorite girl name, he told me he wanted to name his daughter that on our second date, 5 years earlier. Kathryn was after my mom, who had passed away 8 years before. I was in heaven. We were approaching the halfway point, and now I really was starting to believe that we would be bringing her home in a few short months.
Then on 22 weeks 1 day, I was having cramps. They had been present for several days, progressively getting worse, but up until now they had always come and gone, and I was told they were normal. But that night they were really making me feel sick. I decided we needed to go to the hospital. I was in labor, my water was leaking, and 12 hours later our beautiful girl was born sleeping on March 24th, 2013, just shy of 18 weeks early. She was born at 10:11am, she weighed 1 lb 1.6 ounces and was 11.5 inches long. She was so beautiful, and looked so peaceful. I was amazed at how much like a newborn she looked, just on a miniature scale. I later learned that she was what they would call a micro preemie. Micro was right. Her entire head could fit in the palm of my hand. Her ears, fully developed, was the size of an eraser head. She had these tiny little lips above a pouty little chin, and the most perfect nose you've ever seen. Her fingers were literally the diameter of a match stick and her little fingernails were the size that a dot of a sharpie would make.
We decided to keep her name we had given her. Never again would I be able to use it for another baby, but above all, it was HER name. Not only had we been calling her by that name for several weeks, we had been calling her that for years, before we even began trying. We would talk about our future baby Kayla often, probably even before we thought about getting married. We didn't get to use her name like we thought, and instead of a cute sign in her nursery, or on a form for her first day of Kindergarten, her name is on a grave stone.
A year later we would learn that her little sister, Emily, born almost a year to the day on March 19th, would practically be her twin. Even in the womb, from the 3D ultrasound I could see that she looked like Kayla. When she was born, I held her and looked down at that same familiar perfect little nose and chin. Emily could never replace Kayla, but I won't lie. Dealing with her death has been 10 times easier since Emily came into our lives. I don't even want to imagine the broken, shell of the person I would be, if we were still sitting here, mourning the loss of our daughter, and never been able to have any more kids. But I think about Kayla every single day. It's been over 3.5 years since we said goodbye, but not one single day has gone by that I haven't thought of her, missed her, and loved her. She was and is our baby, our first born and having Emily will never change that. But I look at Emily, who is 2.5 now, and I wonder. Would Kayla have still looked like her at this age? Is Emily a spitting image of an angel up in Heaven? Emily is spunky, sassy, and funny. She tests limits like all kids, but she is a really good little girl. She was a wonderful baby, she's always slept great aside from spurts here and there. For the most part she is very well behaved, especially in public. So I wonder, would Kayla have kept me up all night for months and years on end? Would she have been a little devil with a shit eatin' grin who I just could never stay mad at? Would she have been that kid whose presence is always known in public? I will always wonder who she would have been.
Here is my sweet baby.
Since today is only day 4, I will play catch up, but I will skip day 1 just because I didn't get a sunrise pic that day and I don't feel like cheating on that one. Though I wish I had realized the project was going on. I couldn't sleep at all last night, so I was wide awake at sunrise this morning. I could have at least gotten today's sunrise.
So.....
Day 2: WHO THEY ARE
I'm going to include out first bean in this as well, since the poor little guy doesn't get talked about much. For me, while devastating at the time, my first loss was not the same level of grief and did not have the same impact on me that losing Kayla did. I still think about that baby, I still think about him every August when he would have been born, and I know he would have just turned four a month or so ago. But with him, I found out the great news, and four days later he was gone. My grief was more about the what could have been, than it was actually losing him, unlike with Kayla, where we had a tangible baby to hold, with 10 tiny tiny toes and ten teensy fingers.
I don't even know if he was a boy or not, but in my heart I feel like he was. We had been trying for 7 months...not an incredibly long time at all, but ask anyone who is TTC and even one month can feel like an eternity, so 7 is a lifetime. But it was even harder to endure, because my previously clockwork-like periods went MIA the very first month we started trying. I think I might have ovulated two or three times in that 7 months, my cycles were long and very irregular and while I was against it at first, I couldn't even try charting when I decided to give it a whirl, because my cycles were so messed up, I didn't know where I was in the cycle, or when I might O. I was lost.
On top of that, our times of trying were very few and far in between. Without knowing when to try, It became very frustrating early on, and I felt like we were just closing our eyes and randomly shooting a gun, with almost no hope of hitting the target. Then one day in November, I took an OPK. I don't know why, I hadn't taken one in forever, and I had no real reason to. To my shock and amazement, it was positive. I ran around the house, screaming and whooping and hollering. I had never seen a positive before, it was just so damn exciting. I had no clue where I was in the surge...did I still have a few days till ovulation? Was I about to ovulate that day? Unfortunately we only got the chance to do the deed once after that OPK, but for whatever reason, I felt calm. I wasn't stressed that it wasn't enough.
I decided to take the test exactly two weeks from the day I got the OPK. If that time was like the others, I usually Od about 3 to 4 days after my last positive. So that would have made O day on a Tuesday, making me 11DPO or there abouts when I tested, but I assumed I was further than that at the time. The 2WW wasn't awful, like I said, I just felt like it would be "when" I got the positive, not if. I somehow just knew it would be positive. Was I just optimistic because it was our first real shot at conceiving since we hit my fertile window, or did I truly somehow know? I have no clue, but I woke up early that morning, not being able to sleep any longer, I tested, and got my positive.
I don't think I had ever been so happy in my life. I was beyond elated. I also felt like it was some kind of miracle that I had been having so much difficulty with Oing, and here I just happened to catch it, got it on the first (and only) try, and it was December 3rd, which meant I was somehow so incredibly lucky to be able to announce to our family's on Christmas morning.
But sadly, like I somehow knew Baby B was coming, I also somehow knew he was going. My happiness didn't last long, I was nervous, scared, and anxious. I walked around with a pit in my stomach for days, worrying that something was wrong, despite having no reason to think that. The evening of December 6th I was reading in bed, and I was crampy, as I had been since I found out. That is probably what made me so nervous, but I later found out it was very normal to cramp. But somehow in my case I knew it wasn't. I used the bathroom before bed, and was relieved to see no blood on my pantyliner. But then, when I wiped, there it was. Light pink streaks on the toilet paper. I knew that could be normal, but for me I knew it wasn't. I went to bed that night with a heavy heart.
I woke up the next morning, still crampy. I cannot remember if there was blood on my panty liner, but after a few seconds I looked down and saw that the toilet water was completely red. My little bean was gone. Thankfully, being so early, the physical aspect wasn't too bad. It felt like a slightly more painful period, but emotionally I was crushed. Our little bean was only with us for four days, that December of 2011. We never told our families, not until a long time later when we were still having troubles conceiving. It was so hard to not have their support. We never gave him a name. I know some people do, but for us it just didn't seem right. The following October, when little bean would have been about 2 to 3 months old, I dreamed I was rocking a baby back and forth in a stroller, and it was a boy that was about 2 to 3 months old. My little bean.
A year later, as we approached the one year anniversary of our loss, I got my second positive pregnancy test. It was November 14, 2012. I was happy, but cautiously so. It was nerve wracking, especially those first few weeks. I knew it was likely that my first loss wasn't indicative of more losses to come. Lots of women have a loss or two, and then go on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy, but still I was scared. I wanted this so bad, so I was afraid to believe. But once we passed 4 weeks 2 days, I breathed a small sigh of relief. And again when we saw the baby's heartbeat, and again when we officially crossed into second tri. For those that don't know any better, it's the safe period. The point where you can pretty much say, you're bringing a baby home in 6 months. But sadly, many of us know differently. It got easier to breathe with each passing week. I did have a few episodes of spotting, the first time really freaked me out, but by the third or so time, I was pretty certain that was just my normal, and things would be ok.
At 18 weeks we had a beautiful anatomy scan, and found out we were having a little girl. Either would have been great, and I had actually been really certain it was a boy. But deep down, I was secretly thrilled to be having a girl. I couldn't wait. We named her Kayla Kathryn. Kayla was my husband's favorite girl name, he told me he wanted to name his daughter that on our second date, 5 years earlier. Kathryn was after my mom, who had passed away 8 years before. I was in heaven. We were approaching the halfway point, and now I really was starting to believe that we would be bringing her home in a few short months.
Then on 22 weeks 1 day, I was having cramps. They had been present for several days, progressively getting worse, but up until now they had always come and gone, and I was told they were normal. But that night they were really making me feel sick. I decided we needed to go to the hospital. I was in labor, my water was leaking, and 12 hours later our beautiful girl was born sleeping on March 24th, 2013, just shy of 18 weeks early. She was born at 10:11am, she weighed 1 lb 1.6 ounces and was 11.5 inches long. She was so beautiful, and looked so peaceful. I was amazed at how much like a newborn she looked, just on a miniature scale. I later learned that she was what they would call a micro preemie. Micro was right. Her entire head could fit in the palm of my hand. Her ears, fully developed, was the size of an eraser head. She had these tiny little lips above a pouty little chin, and the most perfect nose you've ever seen. Her fingers were literally the diameter of a match stick and her little fingernails were the size that a dot of a sharpie would make.
We decided to keep her name we had given her. Never again would I be able to use it for another baby, but above all, it was HER name. Not only had we been calling her by that name for several weeks, we had been calling her that for years, before we even began trying. We would talk about our future baby Kayla often, probably even before we thought about getting married. We didn't get to use her name like we thought, and instead of a cute sign in her nursery, or on a form for her first day of Kindergarten, her name is on a grave stone.
A year later we would learn that her little sister, Emily, born almost a year to the day on March 19th, would practically be her twin. Even in the womb, from the 3D ultrasound I could see that she looked like Kayla. When she was born, I held her and looked down at that same familiar perfect little nose and chin. Emily could never replace Kayla, but I won't lie. Dealing with her death has been 10 times easier since Emily came into our lives. I don't even want to imagine the broken, shell of the person I would be, if we were still sitting here, mourning the loss of our daughter, and never been able to have any more kids. But I think about Kayla every single day. It's been over 3.5 years since we said goodbye, but not one single day has gone by that I haven't thought of her, missed her, and loved her. She was and is our baby, our first born and having Emily will never change that. But I look at Emily, who is 2.5 now, and I wonder. Would Kayla have still looked like her at this age? Is Emily a spitting image of an angel up in Heaven? Emily is spunky, sassy, and funny. She tests limits like all kids, but she is a really good little girl. She was a wonderful baby, she's always slept great aside from spurts here and there. For the most part she is very well behaved, especially in public. So I wonder, would Kayla have kept me up all night for months and years on end? Would she have been a little devil with a shit eatin' grin who I just could never stay mad at? Would she have been that kid whose presence is always known in public? I will always wonder who she would have been.
Here is my sweet baby.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Wherever you are
I wanted you more than you'll ever know, so I sent love with you wherever you go. You're my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you wherever you are.
-Nancy Tillman
-Nancy Tillman
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Stats
I haven't done Emily's stats in a while, I think the last time I wrote about them was her birthday. Since she is just a week or so away from being 2.5 (how is that possible?!?) it seems like a good time.
Weight: 28.6lbs
I don't remember what she was last time I weighted her, or when it was. According to her baby book, she was 26.8 on her birthday so she's gained just shy of 2 pounds since then. Not bad considering the girl almost never eats.
Height: About 34.5 inches, and on her birthday she was 33.5 so she's grown an inch. I know it's not a ton, but I can definitely feel her weight and height progress when I pick her up.
Milestones and Memories: It's been a busy six months. Since her birthday she has dropped all bottles completely. One day as I was laying her down for her nap a month or so ago she says, bubba? No silly girl, you're a big girl and you've been off bubbas for months. I do occasionally let her take a sippy of milk to bed, but it's very rare, so when she asks, I let her. She is also in her semi-big girl bed. Still in her crib, but the front rail is off to make it a toddler bed. Probably after the new year but before she turns 3 we'll put her in her real big girl bed, a twin. She is day-time potty trained; she does still have accidents from time to time, but she's never had an accident out in public (knock on wood) and I'll take the blame for many of her accidents at home. We'll be working on night training soon. When she is busy playing, I cannot trust her to tell me she has to go, so I should be just taking her to the potty more. She's talking a ton now, making three and four word sentences and she just says the funniest things. My SIl's dogs were play fighting one day and Emily pointed and said bad girls! Too rough! She mostly feeds herself, I help her if it's something really messy, and she can drink from an open cup, but since I don't want to waste, and clean up spilled drinks all the time, we still mostly use sippys.
Sleeping habits: I was blessed with a wonderful sleeping child. On the rare occasion she might cry at bed time or nap or take a while to fall asleep, but for the most part I read her a story, we say prayers, I hug and kiss her, tuck her in and say love you, and she said aye you, I tell her sweet dreams and she repeats it, I close the door and that is that. I think she's gotten me up maybe 3 times in the last 4 months, I think it was a couple nightmares, and she fell out of bed one night. She actually fell out again the other night....she must have been sleeping at the end that doesn't have the guard rail. She was ok that time though. She just sat there, looked around, got back into bed and went back to sleep. She still naps once a day for about an hour and a half to two hours. If she misses her nap, she isn't too incredibly cranky, but she's fighting to stay away come bed time. She really is a blessing, I have it so easy with her.
Eating habits: This is where she is not so great, but I guess if she isn't starving and she's gaining weight, then she's good. Most meals she eats ok, more often than not she'll occasionally take a bite or two and be done and on a rare occasion she'll eat like a horse who hasn't seen food in weeks. I can usually get her to eat a decent meal with her favorites which are PB & J sandwhiches, mac and cheese, and hot dogs. Anything else is iffy. She likes fruit, like strawberrys (trawbies) and bananas, apples, and she loves tomatoes. Grapes and raisins usually go down easily too. She also loves her milk, and juice. I try not to give her much juice, but now that she knows about it and can ask (demand) for it, I give in more than I would like. She looooves chocolate milk. The odd food she really likes is crushed lentil soup. Love it, could eat an entire bathtub of it. She'll also take the same amount of fruit smoothies.
Favorites: She still likes Minnie and the gang, and any princess, but lately she is all about Anna from Frozen (Elsa is ok, but she's an Anna fan), and Nemo. Oh lord does this child love Nemo. And Dory...we must watch Finding Nemo like 8 times a week, and that's with telling her no much of the time. She calls cherry tomatoes baby Nemos (like the fish eggs in the beginning of the movie) and almost passed out when her big cousin ate one of her cherry tomatoes. She also likes Blaze, and Paw Patrol (which she calls Pawtrol). She's really liking Cinderella lately, and Beauty and the Beast which she calls Tea Pops (Tea Cups). She loves to carry around junk. She's all about trinkets. Yesterday we went to her daddy's 5K and she insisted on bringing with her a penny, a Dragon head (that we got out of a Kinder egg, she loves that damn dragon head), a barrette, and one of those hair ties with the colorful plastic balls on them. She'll gather up a bunch of little crap and trinkets and put them in her toy SUV and drive them all over the place. She's definitely got a good imagination. She loves nail polish and getting her nails painted, and she loves playing with her Nana's jewelry. She likes to play with her dog, though she prefers there to be a door or gate between them. Nalah is still a baby herself and tends to lick Emily's face and knock her over if they're in the same room. She's still trying to win over our cat's heart. She sometimes slightly succeeds.
Discoveries and accomplishments: She can put her own shoes on, and usually gets them on the correct feet. She can put on her undies and her pants by herself. We're still working on shirts but once I get it over her head she is usually good. She can do all of her wooden puzzles. She's now realized that her cousins are two different people...she used to just combine their names and call them each that. She knows all of her immediate family members by name, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousin... Her carseat in dad's truck is still in the middle and it's high up so I have trouble getting her in. If I set her on the seat, she can climb into her carseat and put her arms through the straps. She can go up and down any staircase. She gives me a heart attack but she can go all the way up and down Nana and Papa's stairs and she holds on to the railing. She can go get just about anything, if you ask her she'll say ok and she'll run off and go do whatever you asked her to do. She speaks very well, but she understand everything you tell her. She can count to 13 but she sometimes gets stuck, or just likes to start at 9. She knows her colors, red, blue, green, brown, black, white, purple, yellow, orange, pink....the only ones she's not sure of is different shades of colors, and things like silver and gold. She's super polite, always says please and thank you, sometimes she'll even say thank you much, and she almost always says bless you mommy when I sneeze. She's the sweetest, smartest little girl and I am just so in love with her.
Weight: 28.6lbs
I don't remember what she was last time I weighted her, or when it was. According to her baby book, she was 26.8 on her birthday so she's gained just shy of 2 pounds since then. Not bad considering the girl almost never eats.
Height: About 34.5 inches, and on her birthday she was 33.5 so she's grown an inch. I know it's not a ton, but I can definitely feel her weight and height progress when I pick her up.
Milestones and Memories: It's been a busy six months. Since her birthday she has dropped all bottles completely. One day as I was laying her down for her nap a month or so ago she says, bubba? No silly girl, you're a big girl and you've been off bubbas for months. I do occasionally let her take a sippy of milk to bed, but it's very rare, so when she asks, I let her. She is also in her semi-big girl bed. Still in her crib, but the front rail is off to make it a toddler bed. Probably after the new year but before she turns 3 we'll put her in her real big girl bed, a twin. She is day-time potty trained; she does still have accidents from time to time, but she's never had an accident out in public (knock on wood) and I'll take the blame for many of her accidents at home. We'll be working on night training soon. When she is busy playing, I cannot trust her to tell me she has to go, so I should be just taking her to the potty more. She's talking a ton now, making three and four word sentences and she just says the funniest things. My SIl's dogs were play fighting one day and Emily pointed and said bad girls! Too rough! She mostly feeds herself, I help her if it's something really messy, and she can drink from an open cup, but since I don't want to waste, and clean up spilled drinks all the time, we still mostly use sippys.
Sleeping habits: I was blessed with a wonderful sleeping child. On the rare occasion she might cry at bed time or nap or take a while to fall asleep, but for the most part I read her a story, we say prayers, I hug and kiss her, tuck her in and say love you, and she said aye you, I tell her sweet dreams and she repeats it, I close the door and that is that. I think she's gotten me up maybe 3 times in the last 4 months, I think it was a couple nightmares, and she fell out of bed one night. She actually fell out again the other night....she must have been sleeping at the end that doesn't have the guard rail. She was ok that time though. She just sat there, looked around, got back into bed and went back to sleep. She still naps once a day for about an hour and a half to two hours. If she misses her nap, she isn't too incredibly cranky, but she's fighting to stay away come bed time. She really is a blessing, I have it so easy with her.
Eating habits: This is where she is not so great, but I guess if she isn't starving and she's gaining weight, then she's good. Most meals she eats ok, more often than not she'll occasionally take a bite or two and be done and on a rare occasion she'll eat like a horse who hasn't seen food in weeks. I can usually get her to eat a decent meal with her favorites which are PB & J sandwhiches, mac and cheese, and hot dogs. Anything else is iffy. She likes fruit, like strawberrys (trawbies) and bananas, apples, and she loves tomatoes. Grapes and raisins usually go down easily too. She also loves her milk, and juice. I try not to give her much juice, but now that she knows about it and can ask (demand) for it, I give in more than I would like. She looooves chocolate milk. The odd food she really likes is crushed lentil soup. Love it, could eat an entire bathtub of it. She'll also take the same amount of fruit smoothies.
Favorites: She still likes Minnie and the gang, and any princess, but lately she is all about Anna from Frozen (Elsa is ok, but she's an Anna fan), and Nemo. Oh lord does this child love Nemo. And Dory...we must watch Finding Nemo like 8 times a week, and that's with telling her no much of the time. She calls cherry tomatoes baby Nemos (like the fish eggs in the beginning of the movie) and almost passed out when her big cousin ate one of her cherry tomatoes. She also likes Blaze, and Paw Patrol (which she calls Pawtrol). She's really liking Cinderella lately, and Beauty and the Beast which she calls Tea Pops (Tea Cups). She loves to carry around junk. She's all about trinkets. Yesterday we went to her daddy's 5K and she insisted on bringing with her a penny, a Dragon head (that we got out of a Kinder egg, she loves that damn dragon head), a barrette, and one of those hair ties with the colorful plastic balls on them. She'll gather up a bunch of little crap and trinkets and put them in her toy SUV and drive them all over the place. She's definitely got a good imagination. She loves nail polish and getting her nails painted, and she loves playing with her Nana's jewelry. She likes to play with her dog, though she prefers there to be a door or gate between them. Nalah is still a baby herself and tends to lick Emily's face and knock her over if they're in the same room. She's still trying to win over our cat's heart. She sometimes slightly succeeds.
Discoveries and accomplishments: She can put her own shoes on, and usually gets them on the correct feet. She can put on her undies and her pants by herself. We're still working on shirts but once I get it over her head she is usually good. She can do all of her wooden puzzles. She's now realized that her cousins are two different people...she used to just combine their names and call them each that. She knows all of her immediate family members by name, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousin... Her carseat in dad's truck is still in the middle and it's high up so I have trouble getting her in. If I set her on the seat, she can climb into her carseat and put her arms through the straps. She can go up and down any staircase. She gives me a heart attack but she can go all the way up and down Nana and Papa's stairs and she holds on to the railing. She can go get just about anything, if you ask her she'll say ok and she'll run off and go do whatever you asked her to do. She speaks very well, but she understand everything you tell her. She can count to 13 but she sometimes gets stuck, or just likes to start at 9. She knows her colors, red, blue, green, brown, black, white, purple, yellow, orange, pink....the only ones she's not sure of is different shades of colors, and things like silver and gold. She's super polite, always says please and thank you, sometimes she'll even say thank you much, and she almost always says bless you mommy when I sneeze. She's the sweetest, smartest little girl and I am just so in love with her.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Long time no write
Wow, I've really been slacking this summer. I haven't written in over a month? Well, just to give an update on the cemetery debacle, I guess they got tired of getting angry calls and visitors. They supposedly "didn't realize it would create so much traffic" and that there would be an issue of people loitering and upsetting people. Oh please, game, and cemetery do not go together. Period.
I got in touch with another woman whose son is buried in there, and she and I were discussing things we could do. The management never returned my angry phone call, but I suspect it was more because they probably had 100 other messages just like mine and just couldn't, or wouldn't return them all. But this woman got a hold of someone higher up, and apparently kept at him until they changed the rules. She actually sat at the entrance one morning, waiting for the new sign to be installed, which told people that absolutely no game playing was allowed, and anyone found to be playing games on the property would be subject to legal action.
Ok, the ends justifies the means I guess. In the end it got people to stop coming, but I'm still pissed off about how they handled it. One day they're welcoming players and offering a free gift, and the next they're threatening them with legal action if they set food on the property? Not to defend the players, because really, get a freaking clue and have some respect, but at the same time, I would be pissed if one day I was welcomed, and the next threatened. They at least should have fessed up that they made a mistake, and said that while they did originally welcome players, they did not realize the impact this would have on grieving family members and they can no longer allow players on the grounds.
They also owed us family members a HUGE apology, and accept the blame for their stupid actions. But we got nothing of the sort. In fact, they passed the buck quite a bit, claiming they did not ask to be part of the game and that they couldn't do anything about the players. Um, yes you can. A cemetery is private property, if you are there for any other reason than to mourn a loved one, then you are trespassing and can be arrested. Furthermore, they are the same company that owns the cemetery that Rosa Parks is buried in, and weeks before all this, signs were put up and it was on the news that no pokemon playing was to go on in there. Oh I get it, so if Rosa Parks is buried there, it's not allowed, but otherwise, fuck everyone else's family members' graves.
They also removed all the negative reviews on their facebook page, which reminds me I have to go write more on any reviews sites I can find, to warn people who live under a rock not to use this cemetery. I'm still very mad about it, but once the sign went up and people stopped coming, I had to let it go because I was literally emotionally exhausted from being so mad about it.
So anyway, what have I been up to? Well, Meijer and Kroger have answered my prayers and just got curbside pick up for groceries. Oh, so happy! I hate grocery shopping. Hate it! I'd clean toilets, change diapers, pay bills, anything but grocery shop. And now, I don't have to. It's only a $5 fee and as far as I can tell the prices of everything is the same as it would be in the store. It actually is costing me less money because I don't buy as much stuff if it isn't on the list. It's kind of hard to impulse shop and buy things that look yummy, when you're not actually in the store.
My only complaint is my local stores haven't gotten it yet, I have to drive about 15 minutes to go to the next city over. But considering it is saving me an hour or more of shopping and frustration, I'll take it. I don't live in the sticks, so it really shouldn't be long before my stores get it. But, as much as I do love it, it's just one more thing to make me feel like a bad mom. Seriously, what am I doing all day that I cannot take an hour to go to the grocery store? Let's see, this week, I didn't get the papers in my office shredded that I needed to, I didn't clean the fish tanks, Emily's laundry from Wednesday is still sitting in the dryer, her room is still a mess, and her pool is still inflated and yucky, waiting to be cleaned and put away for the year.
Most days we get up around 8 or 9, which I know is amazing for having a two year old....I know many moms who are woken by their munchkins way earlier. I get her breakfast, we sit and watch TV while I browse facebook. Some days we play, some days I do get my ass up and do some housework, but at least a few times a week I snooze in the recliner while she sits on my lap watching cartoons. I am so tired, because I am up late working. Most nights I put her to bed around 8 or 9, and then I spend a little time with my husband before he goes to work. So I start work usually between 9:30 and 10:30. I often work for a few hours, so I get done around midnight or 1am. But I don't want to go right to bed, I want some me time, so I stay up until 2 or 3.
I keep saying I need to start working during her naps, so I don't have to work at night, or maybe only work at night for an hour, getting done in plenty of time for some me time and get to bed at a decent time. But many days, I either snooze most of the morning and then have to attempt to get some housework done during her nap, or I take a nap myself while she is napping....so I can't get any work done during her naps because I am tired and nap, but the reason I am tired is because I don't work during the day, and stay up too late working. It's just a endless cycle.
Plus, I don't know. I feel anxious working during her naps. Not knowing how much I can get done before she wakes up, whereas at night, I can relax, and work as long as I want/need to because she wakes at night so very rarely. But, I suppose if working during the day could get me on a better sleep schedule, it would be worth the bit of anxiety I feel.
So yeah, I just feel like the shittiest stay at home/work from home mom ever. It is nothing at all like I expected when I first quit my job to stay home. I thought I would be like Mrs. Cleaver....have a spotless house, be thin and fit because I have time to work out, and have dinner on the table every night at 6pm. Oh yeah, and most nights, especially if I napped when she did, I am angry with myself for wasting so much time, not getting anything done, that instead of cooking dinner, we order out because I just want to pout and eat comfort food rather than try to be somewhat productive and save money and calories by cooking. So now, I am tired, I worry about our budget because we eat out too much, I feel bad about myself for being so unproductive, which causes me to mope and eat bad, which causes me to continue to not lose weight, which just makes me feel more tired and unproductive, and round and round we go. I love staying home with Em, and I love my job and working from home, but I miss the structure. I miss being forced to do things at a certain time, because I had to. But when you don't have to, it's so hard to do it.
Yes, Emily is fed, and safe, and happy, and clean (most of the time) and loved, but I still feel like a shitty mom/wife for being so lazy and unproductive most days. I love the quote, "behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it all up". I can only hope that is true, and that I am not screwing it all up.
I have a doctor appt on Monday and I am going to request a sleep study. I've always been interested in taking one, but now that I found out you can do them from the privacy and comfort of your own bed, I figure why the hell not. If I do have sleep apnea, maybe the c-pap machine would solve many of my tired issues. I can't imagine waking up feeling rested. Even when I was younger, I can remember battling to stay awake in my morning classes. I had this teacher once, I had her in the morning and again in the afternoon, and she once told me I am like a different person in the afternoon. All morning I would doze off and just be fighting with everything I had to stay awake, and then in the afternoon I was awake, alert, and happy. I've always been a night owl, and I am so much more productive at night, but when you have a two year old, it's just not possible to be functioning in the evening and sleep all morning. So fingers crossed, I actually do have sleep apnea and the treatment turns me into a brand new person.
I'm reading two books right now. Well, I'm listening to one. My husband and I both wanted to read The Girl on the Train, since it's becoming a movie next month, and we were heading on a road trip, so I got an audible account so we could listen to it on the drive. Like usual I had trouble staying awake. Audio books are like having someone read me a bed time story, puts me right out. But then I got a fantastic idea...why not use it to help me sleep? If only it had a sleep timer. But then I looked, and audible.com does have a sleep timer! What geniuses! So most nights I listen to it before I go to bed. I can usually stay awake for the whole 30 minutes, and then roll over and go right to sleep when it stops, but some nights I fall asleep during, and have to go back the next day to see what I missed. It's so good though.
I'm also reading Sugar Daddy. It's this fluffy book I saw on some reading list, so I gave it a shot. It's actually pretty good. But it is quite 50 shades-esque.....You can pretty much replace the word Dom with Sugar Daddy and Sub with Sugar Baby. But it does have a bit of a twist to it....it's not quite as blatant as taking Twilight, changing the names and making them into BDSM. It's a 3 part series as well, I just started the second book. I didn't realize it was a series until I got to the last page cliff hanger, and was like what the hell? That's how it ends?! Then I saw the info about the next book. Thankfully the second book was already out so I could download it right away and keep reading.
One of these days when Emily is at her grandparents, I need to take advantage of my amazing swing in the backyard and go read out there before the weather gets bad. I tried last summer, but my puppy was still such a puppy I couldn't enjoy my book without her running over and biting my feet every few minutes. Now that she's a little older, she'll probably bug me for a few minutes and then go play or lay under the swing.
I got in touch with another woman whose son is buried in there, and she and I were discussing things we could do. The management never returned my angry phone call, but I suspect it was more because they probably had 100 other messages just like mine and just couldn't, or wouldn't return them all. But this woman got a hold of someone higher up, and apparently kept at him until they changed the rules. She actually sat at the entrance one morning, waiting for the new sign to be installed, which told people that absolutely no game playing was allowed, and anyone found to be playing games on the property would be subject to legal action.
Ok, the ends justifies the means I guess. In the end it got people to stop coming, but I'm still pissed off about how they handled it. One day they're welcoming players and offering a free gift, and the next they're threatening them with legal action if they set food on the property? Not to defend the players, because really, get a freaking clue and have some respect, but at the same time, I would be pissed if one day I was welcomed, and the next threatened. They at least should have fessed up that they made a mistake, and said that while they did originally welcome players, they did not realize the impact this would have on grieving family members and they can no longer allow players on the grounds.
They also owed us family members a HUGE apology, and accept the blame for their stupid actions. But we got nothing of the sort. In fact, they passed the buck quite a bit, claiming they did not ask to be part of the game and that they couldn't do anything about the players. Um, yes you can. A cemetery is private property, if you are there for any other reason than to mourn a loved one, then you are trespassing and can be arrested. Furthermore, they are the same company that owns the cemetery that Rosa Parks is buried in, and weeks before all this, signs were put up and it was on the news that no pokemon playing was to go on in there. Oh I get it, so if Rosa Parks is buried there, it's not allowed, but otherwise, fuck everyone else's family members' graves.
They also removed all the negative reviews on their facebook page, which reminds me I have to go write more on any reviews sites I can find, to warn people who live under a rock not to use this cemetery. I'm still very mad about it, but once the sign went up and people stopped coming, I had to let it go because I was literally emotionally exhausted from being so mad about it.
So anyway, what have I been up to? Well, Meijer and Kroger have answered my prayers and just got curbside pick up for groceries. Oh, so happy! I hate grocery shopping. Hate it! I'd clean toilets, change diapers, pay bills, anything but grocery shop. And now, I don't have to. It's only a $5 fee and as far as I can tell the prices of everything is the same as it would be in the store. It actually is costing me less money because I don't buy as much stuff if it isn't on the list. It's kind of hard to impulse shop and buy things that look yummy, when you're not actually in the store.
My only complaint is my local stores haven't gotten it yet, I have to drive about 15 minutes to go to the next city over. But considering it is saving me an hour or more of shopping and frustration, I'll take it. I don't live in the sticks, so it really shouldn't be long before my stores get it. But, as much as I do love it, it's just one more thing to make me feel like a bad mom. Seriously, what am I doing all day that I cannot take an hour to go to the grocery store? Let's see, this week, I didn't get the papers in my office shredded that I needed to, I didn't clean the fish tanks, Emily's laundry from Wednesday is still sitting in the dryer, her room is still a mess, and her pool is still inflated and yucky, waiting to be cleaned and put away for the year.
Most days we get up around 8 or 9, which I know is amazing for having a two year old....I know many moms who are woken by their munchkins way earlier. I get her breakfast, we sit and watch TV while I browse facebook. Some days we play, some days I do get my ass up and do some housework, but at least a few times a week I snooze in the recliner while she sits on my lap watching cartoons. I am so tired, because I am up late working. Most nights I put her to bed around 8 or 9, and then I spend a little time with my husband before he goes to work. So I start work usually between 9:30 and 10:30. I often work for a few hours, so I get done around midnight or 1am. But I don't want to go right to bed, I want some me time, so I stay up until 2 or 3.
I keep saying I need to start working during her naps, so I don't have to work at night, or maybe only work at night for an hour, getting done in plenty of time for some me time and get to bed at a decent time. But many days, I either snooze most of the morning and then have to attempt to get some housework done during her nap, or I take a nap myself while she is napping....so I can't get any work done during her naps because I am tired and nap, but the reason I am tired is because I don't work during the day, and stay up too late working. It's just a endless cycle.
Plus, I don't know. I feel anxious working during her naps. Not knowing how much I can get done before she wakes up, whereas at night, I can relax, and work as long as I want/need to because she wakes at night so very rarely. But, I suppose if working during the day could get me on a better sleep schedule, it would be worth the bit of anxiety I feel.
So yeah, I just feel like the shittiest stay at home/work from home mom ever. It is nothing at all like I expected when I first quit my job to stay home. I thought I would be like Mrs. Cleaver....have a spotless house, be thin and fit because I have time to work out, and have dinner on the table every night at 6pm. Oh yeah, and most nights, especially if I napped when she did, I am angry with myself for wasting so much time, not getting anything done, that instead of cooking dinner, we order out because I just want to pout and eat comfort food rather than try to be somewhat productive and save money and calories by cooking. So now, I am tired, I worry about our budget because we eat out too much, I feel bad about myself for being so unproductive, which causes me to mope and eat bad, which causes me to continue to not lose weight, which just makes me feel more tired and unproductive, and round and round we go. I love staying home with Em, and I love my job and working from home, but I miss the structure. I miss being forced to do things at a certain time, because I had to. But when you don't have to, it's so hard to do it.
Yes, Emily is fed, and safe, and happy, and clean (most of the time) and loved, but I still feel like a shitty mom/wife for being so lazy and unproductive most days. I love the quote, "behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it all up". I can only hope that is true, and that I am not screwing it all up.
I have a doctor appt on Monday and I am going to request a sleep study. I've always been interested in taking one, but now that I found out you can do them from the privacy and comfort of your own bed, I figure why the hell not. If I do have sleep apnea, maybe the c-pap machine would solve many of my tired issues. I can't imagine waking up feeling rested. Even when I was younger, I can remember battling to stay awake in my morning classes. I had this teacher once, I had her in the morning and again in the afternoon, and she once told me I am like a different person in the afternoon. All morning I would doze off and just be fighting with everything I had to stay awake, and then in the afternoon I was awake, alert, and happy. I've always been a night owl, and I am so much more productive at night, but when you have a two year old, it's just not possible to be functioning in the evening and sleep all morning. So fingers crossed, I actually do have sleep apnea and the treatment turns me into a brand new person.
I'm reading two books right now. Well, I'm listening to one. My husband and I both wanted to read The Girl on the Train, since it's becoming a movie next month, and we were heading on a road trip, so I got an audible account so we could listen to it on the drive. Like usual I had trouble staying awake. Audio books are like having someone read me a bed time story, puts me right out. But then I got a fantastic idea...why not use it to help me sleep? If only it had a sleep timer. But then I looked, and audible.com does have a sleep timer! What geniuses! So most nights I listen to it before I go to bed. I can usually stay awake for the whole 30 minutes, and then roll over and go right to sleep when it stops, but some nights I fall asleep during, and have to go back the next day to see what I missed. It's so good though.
I'm also reading Sugar Daddy. It's this fluffy book I saw on some reading list, so I gave it a shot. It's actually pretty good. But it is quite 50 shades-esque.....You can pretty much replace the word Dom with Sugar Daddy and Sub with Sugar Baby. But it does have a bit of a twist to it....it's not quite as blatant as taking Twilight, changing the names and making them into BDSM. It's a 3 part series as well, I just started the second book. I didn't realize it was a series until I got to the last page cliff hanger, and was like what the hell? That's how it ends?! Then I saw the info about the next book. Thankfully the second book was already out so I could download it right away and keep reading.
One of these days when Emily is at her grandparents, I need to take advantage of my amazing swing in the backyard and go read out there before the weather gets bad. I tried last summer, but my puppy was still such a puppy I couldn't enjoy my book without her running over and biting my feet every few minutes. Now that she's a little older, she'll probably bug me for a few minutes and then go play or lay under the swing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)