Why must you toy with me? I had a temperature spike on Thursday morning, pretty much indicating I Od on Wednesday which is when I think I did. However the next day my temp dropped some. It was ok, if they went back up I would get CHs today confirming O on Wednesday. But they didn't. On Friday they dropped a little, and today they dropped a little more. What the hell? So I played around with every dummy temp I could possibly think of, but nothing will give me CHs.
I went through this last month too, I had a spike when I thought I Od but then because of one erroneous dip I didn't get CHs until like 5 days later. But it's bugging me that no matter what I do I can't get CHs with dummy temps this time. I know I just have to wait it out and see what happens. No matter what my chart says or doesn't say, I will know soon enough next week I guess. I will either get a BFP or my period, and if neither of those show, then I guess I didn't O at all. I took an OPK this morning just in case and the test line was very light. I guess I had better start doing one a day just in case that last surge was a fake out and I have still yet to O. I thought about going to the doctor for a progesterone draw, but aside from giving me an answer sooner than later, it's not really worth the money. It's won't make me O, and in less than a week I'll know. Continuing to temp and use OPKs should hopefully catch another surge if there is one (if I haven't already had another) in order to get it on again.
I did a chart overlay with last months chart, and it looks very similar. I had a drop, and then the temps climbed again. The spike that indicated O is almost identical to this month. So hopefully my temps just got jacked up somehow and I did O....and will be pregnant. I do have to wonder if my bite guard has made a difference. Some nights I wear it, some nights I don't and some nights I start off wearing it and take it out at some point in the night. So hopefully that is to blame for my wonky temps. The bite guard definitely seems to be helping my jaw, so if I am still here next month, I'll have to be more consistent with wearing it and see if I can see a clearer pattern in my temps. The last 7 temps in purple (for this month) are dummy temps. Below is a link to my chart if anyone wants to see it without the overlay.
Well I didn't O yesterday. My temp rose some today but not enough. I know there is still a chance I will O today. FF says I could O between CD17 and 21; today is 21. But I am a nervous wreck, I guess if I don't O today then that means I only geared up and then didn't.
I know it's possible, I hear about it all the time on TB, but so far when I've had a positive OPK, I ovulate. Plus with my crazy blazing one on Sunday and the pain I was having, I am really certain I'm going to O, but it makes me so scared to be on the last day possible.
It also worries me that my cycle could be slowly getting back to its old ways. I am not sure when I Od my first cycle postpartum, but last month was CD19....this month will hopefully be CD21 or later. I'm just worried it will get later and later and then not happen at all like before. But I am now on my full dosage of 1500mg of metformin a day, so that should be helping me if my body is starting to fail on its own. And should the metformin not work either, I am sure it's only a matter of time before my RE would give clomid a try, so at least there is light at the end of the tunnel, we are not completely on our own like we were a year ago.
So now I will think positively. My surge was a smidge longer this cycle than usual. I was expecting my positives to keep up through out Saturday and Sunday and then go negative sometime Sunday evening but they stayed positive through out Sunday night and went negative sometime between 7am and noon on Monday. If I normally O two days after my last positive, then I suppose Oing today is still on par. It's also possible that I Od yesterday and my temps are just screwed up. They went down yesterday, but I had woken up to pee 30 minutes before I temp, so I went back to bed for an hour and temped then. So who knows if yesterday's temp is even remotely right. If anything, I would have thought my faux pas would have caused it to be incorrectly high instead of low, but ya never know.
We also had good timing. So if I O today, our timing will be O-4, O-3, and O-1. That's not bad at all....in theory I would love to get another one in tonight, but that's not going to happen. I'm exhausted.
Besides, it only takes once. For our first pregnancy, our timing was O-2, that was it. For our second, it was O-3, and O....so I feel pretty confident with our timing. I do wish I could swap the O-4 for a O-2 or O, but if I had to do it all over again, there is no way I could have gotten a positive on Saturday and NOT have done it.
So it's time to think of something fun. A few weeks ago my husband informed me that when we get pregnant again, he wants to be told in a fun way again. I have two ideas....the one was an idea for if I had gotten a BFP right before Father's Day. On Mother's Day Ryan had written a really sweet message in my card as if it was from Kayla, and I had planned to do the same. But had I gotten a BFP last cycle, I had planned to also include in the message that she has a new brother or sister on the way.
Of course I didn't get to do that....I still could, just leave a note for him that was "written by her" but I am not sure if that's weird. If I could have done it with the Father's Day card, I thought it was totally adorable and sweet, but just a random note? I'm not sure.
My other idea is to copy off how he proposed to me. He had left a big box (think the size that a crock pot might come in) wrapped in red paper in the corner of the living room. I asked what it was and he said he didn't know, and told me to check it out. When I opened it, I found a smaller box inside surrounded by packing peanuts. I opened that one, and there was yet another box....you get the idea, about 2 boxes later I finally got to my ring.
So I was thinking I could do the same, and the final box would be like a box of candy, like the ones you get from the movie theater....so like a final little trick to throw him off, he would think all of that would be to surprise him with candy, but then instead of the candy inside, it would be the pee stick. I would of course have to put the candy aside and still give it to him, despite being thrilled when we get a BFP, I know he would be a bit bummed about there being no candy. I think I am leaning more toward that idea...it's more work, but I'm just not sure how I feel about the note idea. Plus I think it would be fun to put together and watch him open.
I never thought I would say this, but I have found myself questioning my faith lately. Not in the sense that I am not sure I believe in God, but I'm just really questioning why things are and how they happen.
I've talked a lot in here how I don't believe God makes bad things happen. I don't believe God sits up on His throne and says, "That baby is going to die....that 5 year old is going to get cancer....that man is going to die in a car crash the day after his wedding". I just think things happen, partly due to people's choices and free will, but partly because they just do. Diseases happen, accidents happen, I don't know why.
On the same token, I kind of also believe God doesn't make good things happen. I mean sometimes I do....like if a person falls 10 stories and survives....I'd say that's a miracle and I believe in them. Or at least I like the idea of believing in miracles. My faith wants me to believe in miracles, but then my rational thought kicks in and I have so many questions. Why does one miracle happen but not another? Why would one baby survive being born at 22 weeks but our baby didn't? I know there is the blanket answer of "God works in mysterious ways", but I do concede that there may be a bigger picture. We don't know how saving that baby may affect so many others things in life's chain of events.
Ryan told me today that God only gives you what you can handle. But why? So because I am strong and can get through it, I deserve to have my mom die young, my babies? But someone who is weak and needy gets to skate through life with no major tragedies? How does that make any sense at all? The big question I've been wondering lately is about praying. If I don't think God controls the puppet strings of life, then why pray? But I do pray....I prayed for my pregnancy all the time, when someone is hurting I pray for them, when I am worried about someone I love I pray for them. But if I don't believe God makes things happen or not happen, then what good does praying do?
I've gotten angry a lot when it comes to religion lately. My anger isn't at God per se, but maybe it is more surrounding my confusion of it all. I get annoyed when people praise God for helping them with something so menial. Like when someone says they prayed to Jesus and they won Survivor. Or last night, we were watching that idiot tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't hoping he would fall, and it would have been horrible and sad....but nobody held a gun to his head. This was his bright idea to do, so it annoyed me with each step he was thanking God and praising God for controlling the winds, and helping the wire calm down, and for giving him the strength to do that.
Call me a cynic, but I think God has a lot more important stuff to deal with than some fool willingly walking a tightrope in which the tiniest slip would send him plummeting to his death, and I certainly don't think God cares whether or not you win a "reality" TV show.
I feel like a bad person and a bad christian for my doubts and questions. I do believe in God, without a doubt. I feel very comforted when I think of a higher power, and that someone is watching over me. A calmness comes over me when I think of Heaven, and my mom and grandparents and my babies all waiting for me there someday. But I just have so many questions, and nothing makes sense to me. Maybe I need to think less, and have more faith.
This is going to be a long 2WW. I am so freaking excited and optimistic I can barely stand it. So after my blazing OPK yesterday, I had weird pains all day. Normally my O pains are in a very specific spot (always on the right for as long as I actually know when I O....is my left one just for decoration?) and sharp jabs of pain.
But all day yesterday the pain was more spread out and kind of went into my back as well....the best way I can describe it is it felt like someone was firmly squeezing my ovary. It also felt a little bit like when you wake up and have to pee soo bad it hurts. Then I rememberd, and thanks to my awesome note-taking in FF, I had that very same pain the cycle I got pregnant with Kayla. My OPK then too was super positive, meaning the test line was clearly positive the moment the urine passed over it.
So of course, I have to wonder what this means. Is this a "stronger" ovulation than most months? Or does it mean nothing at all? Regardless, I am so so proud of my body for Oing three months in a row. Well, I haven't Od yet, but I finally got a negative OPK around noon today (this morning's was still positive) so I am thinking I'll O today or tomorrow. Each month that I O, I just sit and stare at my positive OPKs in disbelief that my body is doing what it's supposed to. Positive OPKs are so pretty....though not as drop dead gorgeous as a positive HPT :)
So, one of my favorite past times is putting in dummy temps to see what my chart might do. If I O today or tomorrow and get pregnant, our EDD would be March 17th or 18th. Yikes...that is just one week before Kayla's angelversary. It makes me very nervous, but maybe having a baby in March would be a good thing, to turn a sad month into a happy one.
However, I'll take a March due date over having, say another summer due date and trying to get through the month of March without losing my mind from fear. My FIL is at our house right now painting the nursery. Ryan and I both agreed it was too sad to leave it unfinished so Joe volunteered to paint it for us. Thank goodness too, we're the worst painters in the world. I had thought it would be a good idea, but now that I know it will likely be done or almost done when I get home, I'm a little unsure how it will make me feel.
But, it's got to be painted sometime, and doing it once we're already pregnant makes me nervous. I am afraid I would never feel we're "safe" enough to go ahead and do it. In case it isn't apparent, I am very superticious.
My MIL bought this for Kayla's grave, and gave it to me at the funeral. Every time it spins, I like to think that it's her, letting me know she is there. I stopped at her grave today for a few minutes, and the pinwheel was still the whole time. But just as I was leaving I told her bye and I loved her, and the pinwheel started spinning. Here is a video of it on another day.
I got my hair cut today and I am so happy to feel pretty again. When Jacquelyn first took me back she was all smiles, I think expecting to hear that I had my baby. So she asked how I was and I said not so good, we lost our baby. I got choked up....it was really kind of the first time I had to tell anyone. I told some people via text or instant messenger, facebook told the majority of people and friends and family spread the news. I did have to tell HR, but that was over the phone. I believe this was the first time I told someone in person, who had no clue what had happened.
I almost started crying but I pulled it in. She said she was so sorry and she gave me a hug and asked what happened. So the worst was over, that was the part I was dreading. She did say a few things that stung a bit...saying that she firmly believes that everything happens for a reason and God has his reasons for everything He does. That's great if she believes that, but I don't and it doesn't help me.
The problem with that theory is that it implies blame. Why would God do this to us if it weren't some sort of punishment? Even going to the other end of the spectrum, to the idea that God did that it to spare us, or spare her from future suffering. I've said it before, that makes no sense. Plenty of people suffer in the world, you cannot kill them all to spare suffering down the road. It's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. They say losing a child is the worst pain a person can experience in their life....why would God put me through this pain now, to save me or us some other pain down the road. That makes no sense. Here I gave you all this pain, to save you from pain? Um.....
Or the idea that God took her because it "wasn't the right time". Well if it wasn't the right time, then why did He allow it to happen in the first place? Even if this were THE possible worst time in the world for us to have a child, then why do teenagers have babies? Why are babies given to people who beat and torture them? Doesn't seem like the right time for them to have a kid. I read a story the other day, about what a woman allowed her boyfriend to do to her 4 month old daughter. It's so vile and disgusting I can't even type the words, but yet God took my baby because it wasn't the right time, or we would't be good enough parents?
I get what Jacquelyn was saying in a way....I often try to find the good things in life, the silver lining. I often have experienced a bad thing, only to realize later on it was a blessing in disguise. Like that break up that you thought you would never surivive, only to meet the love of your life years later. That house you were out bid on, only to find your dream home months later. That job you were forced to quit, and go on to find an even better job you never would have persued if you were still at the job you thought you were comfortable at. Those are all things that have silver linings to be revealed later, those are things that happen for a reason.
But days, weeks, months or years from now, I will never, EVER look back and say, "well I am glad our baby died because life is so much better than if she were here". Yes it will be a very strange feeling, once we have our rainbow and we are head over heels in love with them and cannot imagine our life without them....it will be a hard pill to swallow, and deal with the knowledge that that precious baby that we love and adore wouldn't be there if Kayla was. We can't have both, and it will hurt to know that if Kayla had lived, we won't someday have the baby we'll have. But no matter how much we will love our rainbow, we will never be happy that Kayla died. Even though we cannot have them both in the same lifetime, there will always be enough room in our hearts to love them both.
But, I am more forgiving of people when they say things like that, when they didn't have a lot of time to absorb the news and respond. I've also noticed I have a harder time being mad when someone I like says something hurtful. Err....I can still be mad, but I would have a harder time confronting them or telling them what they said doesn't help me, than if it were to come from someone I don't like. I daydream of someone I dislike, saying something stupid, and catching me in the right mood so I can rip into them. Of course it's not often that I can actually respond in a way I want to at the time, as seen when that asshat at work was shocked that we named our daughter.
So the good news of the day, my OPKs were getting a little darker last night and this morning, and both the wondfo and digi were positive this afternoon. However oddly enough, they were both negative this evening. I only have three other cycles as reference, but my surge in those cycles lasted almost 48 hours, so I am really confused that this one would only last around 6 hours or less.
ETA: Well my OPKs (both wondfo and digi) were both positive again at 11p last night. I have no idea what was up with the negatives earlier. This morning the wondfo was super duper positive, lol....meaning it was clearly a blazing positive before a minute was even up on the timer. I'm a happy girl :)
Today was much better. And it's Friday! I am all manicured and pedicured....in a few I have to go touch up my roots because we're getting family pics done with the inlaws tomorrow. I am a little sad that we won't have a baby in our arms, but that just means we'll have to go get them done again when we do. My dad wants to have pics done this fall, so maybe I'll be pregnant and have a little tummy for those pics.
I'm going to go off on a tangent for a minute and say, I really loved being pregnant. Like not just because it was supposed to result in a baby, but I loved my little tummy. I loved how I felt walking around because I am certain I had that glow. I loved when people would look at me because they knew I was pregnant. Since I went into the pregnancy at a much higher weight than I wanted to, I worried that I would never get the cute bump, that I would always just look fat, but then even fatter than usual.
But by 16-18 weeks my non-baby belly started poking out into the cutest little round baby belly. I loved it....I am so glad I took the weekly pictures. It's still too painful to look at them now, but I will always cherish them, knowing my little girl was in there. On a sad note though, in the days after delivery I still felt what felt exactly like kicks. My doctor said they were likely psychosomatic and other women agreed that they felt them too after delivery. Well here I am, almost three months later and I am still feeling them. They no longer feel like actual kicks, but the flutters you get when you just start feeling movement. I hate them because they make me sad, knowing it's not my little pumpkin making that feeling.
But it also worries me....what if they never go away? When I get pregnant again, am I going to still feel them? How will I know if I am feeling real kicks or whatever these are?
So anyway, I survived seeing my nail lady. One down, one to go....I see my hair stylist tomorrow. I hadn't seen either one since we lost Kayla, so I was really nervous to go in and have to tell them or talk about it. I wasn't as nervous about seeing Kristin....we hadn't talked much about the fact that we were TTC, and the last time I went I did tell her I was pregnant but it was a quick congrats and then we moved on to something else. So I was pretty confident if I didn't say anything, she wouldn't either. I've been going to her for a few years now, so she likely remembered that I was pregnant last time, but since I didn't say anything, nether did she. Maybe she saw my tattoo and put two and two together....though it's not obvious it's a memorial tattoo.
When I told her how far along I was last time (20 weeks) she said, "so into the safe zone". So maybe she has experience with loss, and when I didn't say "I had a baby"! when she asked what was new, maybe she figured it didn't end well.
Tomorrow is the appointment I am really nervous about though. I've been going to Jacquelyn for years as well, but she and I talked about our TTC all the time. She knew how long we had been trying, that we were having troubles, about our first loss, etc. The last time I saw her I was 18 weeks, just a few days before we found out the sex and she was bummed I hadn't come in the weekend after so I could tell her what I was having. So I am certain she will remember and it will come up since we talked about it so much. I told her I was due in July, but by now I am sure she has forgotten exactly when I was due. So when she sees me tomorrow she'll likely assume I already had her.
I really don't mind talking about it, and I am happy to educate people on loss....she even had a loss, around 11 weeks I think. But I am just nervous about that first minute of seeing her. I'm worried she'll have a huge smile on her face and be like, so what did you have? And then have to say that we lost her. The stupid part is, the part that makes me really nervous is when you first break the bad news, and having to deal with THEIR discomfort. I shouldn't be worried about it, but their discomfort makes me uncomfortable. But yet if she says nothing at all, that will be awkward too, though I am sure that won't happen. Maybe I'll just bite the bullet and tell her right off if she doesn't say anything about it to break the ice.
So my temp dropped this morning and FF took my CHs away. I was sort of happy about that, maybe I'll still O soon and have a shot this month. But despite having missed the FW had I Od on Monday, Oing early and missing the window is better than not Oing at all.
I know it's still early, it's only CD16. There is still plenty of time to O. But with my history of only Oing once in a blue moon, I am really nervous that my body will go back to his shenanigan ways and stop working. So by CD16 I am already freaking out. My OPK tonight was still very far from positive, but it looked, kinda sort of maybe a little darker than previous ones. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. I also had a little bit of EWCM so I am hoping that's a good sign. I know you can have it at any time in your cycle and it's not a really reliable sign, but I am not prone to getting much. So maybe having it now is a good sign that I'll O in the days coming up.
This is so incredibly random, but we're watching The Princess Bride and I absolutely love this clip. Wesley doesn't do much for me, but I always thought he was so sexy in this clip.
