Capture your Grief Day 31- 20 wks

Day 31. Sunset To close this project and month I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

I'm cheating a little on this one.  By the time the sun sets tonight, we'll be at the airport waiting for our Vegas flight.  So this picture was taken Sunday in Michigan....but the picture doesn't even capture it all, the entire sky was streaked with beautiful pink and orange.

Boo is officially half baked today!  Just two more weeks before we can put our dreaded loss milestone behind us, and we can finally tell the rest of the world that our beautiful rainbow is on her way. 

I ordered my Molly Bear last night.  For those not familiar, it's a Teddy Bear made for your angel, and it's weighted so they're the exact same weight as your angel.  They asked what colors and/or symbols remind you of them so I put down pink and grey, and butterflies.  There is a pretty long wait list for them, but it will be a nice surprise in the mail someday, I can't wait to get it.

Capture your Grief Day 30- 19 wks 6 days

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are traveling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

The list could really go on and on, but here are a few I came up with.

Happy Anniversary to us- 19 wks 6 days

Today is mine and my husband's 3rd wedding anniversary.  Our wedding was one of the best days of my life, and I'm so happy we're on this journey together.  We've grown in ways I could never have imagined we would.  Losing Kayla has been so hard on us, but it's become a bond that we share, and nobody else in the world gets what we're feeling except each other.  He was so amazing during the whole thing, so selfless and strong, I really don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. 

It's also the day my parents got married 42 years ago.  I never know what to do now that my dad has a girlfriend....I know he still loves my mom, but I can't really wish him a happy anniversary.  But I am sure it's a bittersweet day for him....he probably thinks back to their wedding day, all of the hopes and dreams that they had.  I wish my dad texted so I could tell him I'm thinking about him.  We're not very emotional people so that's really hard to say to him over the phone.

In about 36 hours we're getting on a plane to go celebrate in Vegas, our last "hurrah" if you will before Boo is here.  It won't be much of a hurrah though as I figure I'll be in bed by 10pm every night, but we're looking forward to seeing some shows and just getting out of here for a few days.  He has tomorrow off too, but I have to work and then we're leaving as soon as I get home.  I'd kill to have tomorrow off, but I could barely scrounge up the vacation time to take Friday and Monday.  I would just take it unpaid, but since we do have pretty good vacation/sick time policy here, taking unpaid days is frowned upon.  I've had to take several in the past 7 months, but those were medical and/or emotional reasons that couldn't be helped.  I doubt Vegas is a good enough reason to take an unpaid day.

But it's just as well, he probably wouldn't have packed tonight like he's supposed to, and then he'd be running around tomorrow evening trying to get packed so we can go.  At least now he has several more hours that he can put it off.  I'm still jealous though.

I'm such a dork, every morning I have to send out an email to everyone in my department a list of who is out/on vacation/coming in late etc.  It wasn't until I tried pulling up a report and nothing came up, that I realized I had put in 10/30/10 for the date for both the email and the report.  Even more surprising, only one person noticed my flub.

Ryan got home rather late last night; I figured work just ran late since it often does.  But he surprised me with an anniversary gift.  We already have the Promise cake topper from our wedding, and I've always loved this one and it's just perfect.

Capture your Grief Day 29- 19 wks 5 days

Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren.

I love this song, it describes my pain and optimism perfectly.

This is also a favorite.  The lyrics don't match perfectly, but it reminds me of her nonetheless.  The night of her funeral, my husband posted it on his facebook, saying goodnight to our baby girl.  It broke my heart into a million pieces.

Doctor rant- 19 wks 5 days

First let me just say I love my two doctors.  They are wonderful, they truly care about me and my baby and they admit that don't have all the answers, but they are doing everything they can to try to catch any possible scenario in order to keep Boo safe.

However today, I met one of the male doctors in the practice.  I briefly met the other male doctor when he was doing his rounds in the hospital.  I didn't get an impression of him good or bad, but I do know if I had a choice, I'll stick with my female doctors.  But this guy today, I am not a fan at all and I will be requesting not to see him again.  First of all, he comes in and starts looking at my chart since obviously he is not familiar with my case.  He see's that I have a history of PTL and upon finding the lab report, he says ah, you had chorio or something like that....it was short for some big medical word meaning infection.

I was like well Dr. Garmel did say I had an infection, could not say for certain whether the infection caused the PTL, or the PTL started because I have an incompetent cervix and then the infection got in once my cervix was open.  So he goes into this big speech about how I don't have an IC, and how it doesn't exist.  He says it was due to the infection.  I asked how it always starts around the same time for all women in this situation.....I mean, everyone I know with a suspected IC went into labor and gave birth around 20-24 weeks.  That to me is solid with the theory that at that point, the baby is heavy enough to weaken the cervix and cause it to open.  So if it is due to an infection, why does it always happen around that time?

He couldn't really answer that, saying well it starts much earlier around 15 weeks and progresses....but again, why?  Why doesn't it start at 8 weeks, or 30 weeks?  I didn't ask, but I'd also like to know why cervix shortening is such an issue for women pregnant with multiples?  Again, the weight of twins or triplets is obviously more than a singleton, causing pressure on the cervix.  Why would multiples pregnancies be at any higher risk of infection than a singleton?

My doctor that delivered Kayla stressed to me that even if it was an infection, these things sometimes just happen, it was nothing I did, for example nothing I did wrong regarding hygeine.  But this doctor brought that up, saying poor hygeine could be a cause.  Um, thanks for laying the blame on the mothers and saying our babies died because we don't clean well enough.  Let's be frank, stuff isn't exactly spaced out down there.  If all of these women that lose their children due to what I believe is an IC but is really because of infections due to poor hygeine, I would think that number would be way higher than it is.  If you can do everything right and still get an infection that can cause PTL, then the stats would be much much higher in my opinion.

He also gave no condolences what so ever, and constantly referred to Kayla as a "22 weeker".  No, she's not a 22 weeker, she is my daughter and a little sensitivity would have been appreciated.  Maybe when discussing a case with other doctors or in your own private notes, 22 weeker might be acceptable, but not when you're talking to the patient.  I am so glad my husband couldn't go to this appointment because he likely wouldn't have taken too kindly to him.

I just listened to his speech though...clearly nothing I say would change his mind, he believes what he believes.  I know I am not a doctor, but obviously there are doctors that do believe in IC and I agree with their theories.  It just makes common sense to me.  I know my case isn't cut and dry as I had some symptoms that are not consistent with IC, but I also had several that were.  But if I had to guess, I would lean more to the side that I do have an IC, and the infection was something that just came along with it, and/or got in after my cervix was open.   At the very least, I see no issue with doing the cerclage as a precaution, and if I don't have an IC, well it was an extra security blanket in case I do.

I am just so glad he wasn't my only experienece through out this whole thing.  I cannot imagine listening to his "it probably won't happen again" theory, and then losing Boo the same way since he would not have done a cerclage.  I know everyone has different opnions, but I don't see how he can be so blase about it.  I can tell from his attitude, and calling Kayla a 22 weeker, he only sees the medical aspect of things, and not the emotional side.  Losing a baby isn't just like well ok, that didn't work.  Let's try again and hope it doesn't happen again.  I understand how doctors can become a little numb to the emotional side because in a way they have to, but they're still human beings.  How can they not retain any compassion?  I heard him talking out in the hallway, he has kids.  Can he seriously not go back to when his wife was pregnant, and imagine what it would have been like to lose one of them?

But I will definitely not be seeing him again.  And it's not just the male thing...my old gyn was a guy and he was wonderful.  Very compassionate and a great doctor.  I can't imagine anyone actually liking this guy and feeling comfortable with him.

Capture your Grief Day 28, 19 wks 4 days

Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

I have two; the first one was in the hospital, the day after Kayla was born.  I woke up around 6am after my last temp check; it was still dark out and Ryan was still asleep on the dad couch.  Kayla had spent the night in the crib next to my bed. 

So I sat up in bed, got her out of her crib and held her and sobbed.  It was the worst, yet most beautiful moment of my life.  The rest of the world was sleeping, and I had my baby girl in my arms.  I feel like to say anything more about it takes away from what it was.

The other moment was a couple weeks after we were home.  We had gone to my husband's first 5K since we lost her...the last one we went to, I was still pregnant.  So it was really hard to go and I wasn't in a good mood at all.  It was one of the few days I had to get up early in the six weeks I was off work, so I couldn't sleep and didn't end up sleeping at all.  After the race we went to breakfast, and then I came home and napped for hours, but ended up feeling worse when I woke up.

We were supposed to go out for dinner for my brother's birthday, so my dad called to find out if I was going.  As soon as I heard his voice, the floodgates opened and I burst into tears.  He asked if I was having a bad day and I said yes.  It was like deciding to go to dinner was literally the hardest thing, I just couldn't make the decision.  I wanted to go, and absolutely didn't want to go all at the same time. 

I was no stranger to grief, I had a rough childhood at times, and then lost my mom when I was 25.  The summer before last, despite them being older, it was very hard to lose my grandparents, whom I adored, within weeks of each other.  So overall I knew the stages of grief, I knew that one day I would feel better....I wouldn't get over it, I wouldn't move on but I would move forward and it wouldn't always hurt this bad.  But that day, basically in the very depth of my grief, I didn't think it would ever get better.  I felt so suffocated and I couldn't see a way out.  I didn't see any light at the end up the tunnel, my heart was literally breaking and I didn't know how I was ever going to feel better again.

My dad talked to me for a while, and while I felt better afterward, it was still a bad day.  But I have that day to look back on, when I hit the rock bottom of rock bottom, and I know I climbed out.  That day stands as my measure, to see how far I have come in 7 months.  And anytime I have another bad day, I can look back to that day and know that it did get better again.
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So, my family has been slipping a little, calling Boo by her name.  I guess in some ways, what can I expect?  If I really wanted to not use it, I guess we shouldn't have told people what we'll be calling her.  But at the same time, I'm confused why people can't respect our wishes to continue calling her Boo.  That's what we called her for months now, why is it suddenly hard to keep calling her that?  I guess I will just have to correct people as they slip up, and from here on out we won't be sharing the name anymore.  Lesson learned. 

Capture your Grief Day 27- 19 wks 3 days

Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.

Not exactly artwork, but the ladies on July '13 made me this along with a bunch of condolences people signed on a web page.  I love this picture, and it makes me feel at peace.
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We had fajitas for dinner and Boo must have loved them or hated them because she started kicking a lot right when I finished eating.  I'm loving her kicks....like I said, I love the ones that aren't like little machine gun kicks for a length of time.  I can't wait until Ryan can feel them.  Unless she is like her sister and stops as soon as he tries to feel them, lol.    I also used my doppler today for some extra reassurance and her little heart was just beating away.  I'm such a thankful mommy.