I'm still too superstitious to pack my bag. Last time I packed it at just over 20 weeks (I am an insane planner and I love to make lists and cross things off as I accomplish them) and I ended up needing it a week and a half later. So this time, I refuse to pack it any earlier than 34 weeks. I feel like that is "safe", so to speak. It's plenty of time just in case I were to go before my induction date, but it's not so insanely early that it would be very scary. Ok, little tangent here....I think it's interesting how everything is relative.
I am sure to anyone whose only had term babies, going into labor anytime before 37 weeks is scary as hell. But when you've gone at 22 weeks, you have a different definition of very scary. To me, while not ideal, 30 is doable, 34 is pretty good and 37 is wow, you made it so long. I wish I didn't have to have that viewpoint....but Boo, are you listening? You can go till your induction date, that would be fine by me. I never used to think a scheduled birth sounded appealing, that just going into labor and ending up with whatever birthdate you get was the way to go. Now let me clarify, I am not looking forward to pitocin, and if it wasn't medically necessary I wouldn't choose to be induced, but I have to say, it's kind of nice to be able to say, my last day of work is March 14th. And my husband and I have that last weekend together and I'll hopefully feel up to a date night while we have the chance, and it sounds nice to just wake up, gather our things and go to the hospital on my scheduled day.
We've already done "rush to the hospital in the middle of the night" thing, so I don't mind not doing it this time. So anyway, back to the bag. So I was feeling ok enough to write out the list yesterday of what I want to pack. It's so funny how much shorter the list gets the second time around. I thought I was doing good the first time because I nixed about half of what was on the hospital's list, but I think this time my list is about half the size of my first list. And, the hospital really needs to update theirs, they still have "phone numbers and change for calling family" as one of the things to bring.
Monday, December 30, 2013
What a day- 28 wks 4 days
I am exhausted, mentally and physically. It was one of those days where everything that could go wrong, did. I have 10 hours of mandatory overtime this week, so I went in an hour early, worked through lunch and stayed an hour late. Since we have Wednesday off for NYD and I leave early Thursday for a doctor appt, I have to squeeze in the extra hours where I can.
So my husband was just getting home from work when I was getting ready, and I was talking to him while I was getting my stuff together. Apparently I cannot talk while gathering things....I forgot my insulin, thankfully realized when I was halfway down the street and went back. But when I went to eat my PM snack today, I realized I forgot to put in a fresh ice pack so my yogurt and cheese was warm. So much for my PM snack. Just like the last few weeks, I was crazy busy today and my boss keeps calling me to his desk to explain some numbers to him, some of which I've explained several times already.
Part of it isn't his fault, he has audit on his ass wanting to know what all these high dollar amounts are, so he has to come to me for explanations. But I want to scream at him, the more you take me away from my work to explain the out of balances, the longer they will stay out of balance. My co-worker called off today after having all of last week off. Now I know, it happened to me once where I got sick the night before going back to work after a vacation....but given the fact that she left me all alone last week during the busiest time of the year, she may be leaving at 2 tomorrow and we have Wednesday off, she had better have been very very sick to not come in. If she just wasn't feeling well, she really should have sucked it up and came in. I was told today that we have to do the 10 hours OT during the week, but even after that we may still have to work this weekend. Honestly I don't think I should have to. Her being off all this time is what put us so behind....yeah we would be busy still, but of course two people is better than one and we wouldn't be so far behind. If OT is needed this weekend, I think I should get a pass. Especially considering all of my OT will only be straight time because of the holiday.
We have our 3D ultrasound this Saturday morning and I am NOT rescheduling, so if I do have to work this weekend they'll just have to deal with me coming in when I get in, which likely won't be till noon or later. So I had planned on staying an hour late tonight to get caught up and put in my OT, but everything went to hell and I spent that last hour finishing my regular work. One of my programs crashed, then I went to print the first page of a spreadsheet but I forgot to put in 1 of 1....ten minutes later I went to the printer to find a half of a ream printed out, it was trying to bring all 1300 pages of the spreadsheet.
I canceled all of the print jobs on my computer, I hit stop on the printer multiple times but nothing was working. Finally 200 pages later I figured out how to go into the printer itself and cancel the job. Ugh. This day can suck it.
My bellybutton is getting closer and closer to being flat....I give it another week or two. Ewwwww, I hate belly buttons. I don't want it to go flat, but that would be better than popping out. I seriously want to puke when I think about it popping out, belly buttons are so gross.
My dad is so funny....I was telling him how our garage is so tight....we can fit both our cars in and get in and out, but that's about it. When my husband is home, I cannot get my door open wide enough to get a carseat in. So I decided I'll have to put Boo on my husband's trunk in her car seat, back out a little bit and then put her in the car, and the same thing in reverse when I come home. So my dad says, well what are you doing to do when Ryan isn't home....haha, then I can just open my car door all the way, silly. He was like oh yeah.
I had a thought this morning when I got up to pee for the second time....I can pretty much stumble to the bathroom, turn on the low light and then stumble back to bed. But in a few months, getting up will take much longer as I'll be feeding Boo. I can't wait till she's here, but man sometimes I'm really scared of how things are going to change. But then again, at least during the first few months I can go back to bed after feedings since I won't be working. Hopefully our little girl will take after her mommy and be a wonderful sleeper.
For Christmas we made a donation to St. Jude in Kayla's name, and when you make a donation in remembrance of someone you can fill out a card to send. So even though the card was from me, to me, I cried when I read it. The card said "St. Jude Children's Hospital has received a gift in honor of Kayla. The gift will continue to give hope to the children of St. Jude today, tomorrow, and beyond. We love you Kayla, love mommy and daddy!"
So my husband was just getting home from work when I was getting ready, and I was talking to him while I was getting my stuff together. Apparently I cannot talk while gathering things....I forgot my insulin, thankfully realized when I was halfway down the street and went back. But when I went to eat my PM snack today, I realized I forgot to put in a fresh ice pack so my yogurt and cheese was warm. So much for my PM snack. Just like the last few weeks, I was crazy busy today and my boss keeps calling me to his desk to explain some numbers to him, some of which I've explained several times already.
Part of it isn't his fault, he has audit on his ass wanting to know what all these high dollar amounts are, so he has to come to me for explanations. But I want to scream at him, the more you take me away from my work to explain the out of balances, the longer they will stay out of balance. My co-worker called off today after having all of last week off. Now I know, it happened to me once where I got sick the night before going back to work after a vacation....but given the fact that she left me all alone last week during the busiest time of the year, she may be leaving at 2 tomorrow and we have Wednesday off, she had better have been very very sick to not come in. If she just wasn't feeling well, she really should have sucked it up and came in. I was told today that we have to do the 10 hours OT during the week, but even after that we may still have to work this weekend. Honestly I don't think I should have to. Her being off all this time is what put us so behind....yeah we would be busy still, but of course two people is better than one and we wouldn't be so far behind. If OT is needed this weekend, I think I should get a pass. Especially considering all of my OT will only be straight time because of the holiday.
We have our 3D ultrasound this Saturday morning and I am NOT rescheduling, so if I do have to work this weekend they'll just have to deal with me coming in when I get in, which likely won't be till noon or later. So I had planned on staying an hour late tonight to get caught up and put in my OT, but everything went to hell and I spent that last hour finishing my regular work. One of my programs crashed, then I went to print the first page of a spreadsheet but I forgot to put in 1 of 1....ten minutes later I went to the printer to find a half of a ream printed out, it was trying to bring all 1300 pages of the spreadsheet.
I canceled all of the print jobs on my computer, I hit stop on the printer multiple times but nothing was working. Finally 200 pages later I figured out how to go into the printer itself and cancel the job. Ugh. This day can suck it.
My bellybutton is getting closer and closer to being flat....I give it another week or two. Ewwwww, I hate belly buttons. I don't want it to go flat, but that would be better than popping out. I seriously want to puke when I think about it popping out, belly buttons are so gross.
My dad is so funny....I was telling him how our garage is so tight....we can fit both our cars in and get in and out, but that's about it. When my husband is home, I cannot get my door open wide enough to get a carseat in. So I decided I'll have to put Boo on my husband's trunk in her car seat, back out a little bit and then put her in the car, and the same thing in reverse when I come home. So my dad says, well what are you doing to do when Ryan isn't home....haha, then I can just open my car door all the way, silly. He was like oh yeah.
I had a thought this morning when I got up to pee for the second time....I can pretty much stumble to the bathroom, turn on the low light and then stumble back to bed. But in a few months, getting up will take much longer as I'll be feeding Boo. I can't wait till she's here, but man sometimes I'm really scared of how things are going to change. But then again, at least during the first few months I can go back to bed after feedings since I won't be working. Hopefully our little girl will take after her mommy and be a wonderful sleeper.
For Christmas we made a donation to St. Jude in Kayla's name, and when you make a donation in remembrance of someone you can fill out a card to send. So even though the card was from me, to me, I cried when I read it. The card said "St. Jude Children's Hospital has received a gift in honor of Kayla. The gift will continue to give hope to the children of St. Jude today, tomorrow, and beyond. We love you Kayla, love mommy and daddy!"
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Sleep- 28 wks 3 days
They should rename third trimester to, "can't sleep for shit". I spent most of yesterday at my brother's open house type gathering, so when I got home I was exhausted. 'Cause ya know, just being upright and breathing is exhausting these days, so I slept on the couch for a couple of hours in the evening. So I didn't go to bed until about 2am, I wasn't super sleepy because of my nap and I couldn't get comfortable.
I am lucky that even up until just a week or so ago I was still sleeping fairly well. Yeah I woke up everytime I rolled over, or got up to pee, but when I was in bed I was asleep and quite comfortable. Last night, nothing got me there. I laid there for a while before I even fell asleep, and everytime I rolled over it was apparent how uncomfortable I was. Even when I got up to pee early this morning, coming back to bed just wasn't comfortable. Uusually my bed somehow gets 100% more comfortable in the morning when you're supposed to get up, but not today.
So because I am not sleeping well, I want to sleep longer because I'm so tired. Yesterday I got up around 10:30 and today it was 11:30. Blah. I don't like sleeping my day away. When I was single, it was a pretty regular thing for me to sleep in till noon, 1 or even 2pm...I could sleep in like a champ! But Ryan has always been a pretty early riser, and in the last several years I've seen the merit in getting up earlier. I don't hate my job, I just hate going. If I could wake up feeling rested, and snap my fingers and be there without dealing with traffic every day, I'd be quite happy. But I cannot, so I cherish my weekends when I don't have to do any of that crap.
So I of course want my weekend to last as long as possible. Getting up at 8:30 or 9 is ideal for me, you can sleep in a little bit but it's still early enough to enjoy most of your day. But lately that just isn't happening. We've been really busy at work with year-end stuff and my boss asked me on Friday if I wanted to come in this weekend. No I don't want to come in this weekend, I'm pregnant, tired, and grumpy, you're lucky I come in when I have to let alone on the weekend.
He said depending on work load, we may have 10 hours of mandatory overtime this coming week. Great, we're off Wednesday for New Year's Day and Thursday I am leaving at 3 for a doctor appointment, so I have to squeeze working 10 extra hours into a week where I am only working 30 instead of 40....not to mention the fact that it won't be time and a half, just extra straight time. You have to already work 40 hours to get anything extra at time and a half, and it seems the only time I ever get an opportunity to get overtime are on holiday weeks when it won't actually be paid as time and a half. And here's a thought, maybe you guys shouldn't have let my counterpart have almost the entire week of Christmas off. Maybe then we wouldn't be as behind as we are. I'm not a happy camper at work right now....maybe if we try for another baby in the future, we can plan it so that I'm on maternity leave for this time of year, hahaa.
So yesterday my dad and I were talking to my future SILs mother, and since I am visibly pregnant and I am sure they all know of my journey, of losing Kayla and being pregnant again....my pregnancy was kind of the talk of the day. Especially when meeting new people, what better thing to ask about then the fact that I have an obvious baby bump. We somehow started taking about grandchildren and my dad mentioned that he's just now getting his first where as his brother has 8 already. Ugh, hearing him say that kind of felt like taking a bullet. Boo isn't his first grandchild, Kayla is.
I wanted to correct him, but I was taken off guard and we were surrounded by new people....I'm hoping it was just an in the moment faux pas. Despite my dad being very social, it can still be a little nervewracking meeting a whole room full of new people and maybe the words came out before he could stop them. It's not like he never talks about Kayla, he's come to events for her, and he made her that little Christmas tree. A couple months ago he said he stopped by the cemetery to visit his granddaughter....so he must know she is his first and the slip just happened.
So far it hasn't really come up, anyone whose asked me if this baby is my first, I've somehow mentioned that we have lost two prior....but I am sure there will come a day when I slip and am uncomfortable and say yes, Boo is my first. That doesn't mean I don't acknowledge Kayla as my first child, so I shouldn't get too down on my dad for what he said. But I have to say, in that moment it did hurt.
I am lucky that even up until just a week or so ago I was still sleeping fairly well. Yeah I woke up everytime I rolled over, or got up to pee, but when I was in bed I was asleep and quite comfortable. Last night, nothing got me there. I laid there for a while before I even fell asleep, and everytime I rolled over it was apparent how uncomfortable I was. Even when I got up to pee early this morning, coming back to bed just wasn't comfortable. Uusually my bed somehow gets 100% more comfortable in the morning when you're supposed to get up, but not today.
So because I am not sleeping well, I want to sleep longer because I'm so tired. Yesterday I got up around 10:30 and today it was 11:30. Blah. I don't like sleeping my day away. When I was single, it was a pretty regular thing for me to sleep in till noon, 1 or even 2pm...I could sleep in like a champ! But Ryan has always been a pretty early riser, and in the last several years I've seen the merit in getting up earlier. I don't hate my job, I just hate going. If I could wake up feeling rested, and snap my fingers and be there without dealing with traffic every day, I'd be quite happy. But I cannot, so I cherish my weekends when I don't have to do any of that crap.
So I of course want my weekend to last as long as possible. Getting up at 8:30 or 9 is ideal for me, you can sleep in a little bit but it's still early enough to enjoy most of your day. But lately that just isn't happening. We've been really busy at work with year-end stuff and my boss asked me on Friday if I wanted to come in this weekend. No I don't want to come in this weekend, I'm pregnant, tired, and grumpy, you're lucky I come in when I have to let alone on the weekend.
He said depending on work load, we may have 10 hours of mandatory overtime this coming week. Great, we're off Wednesday for New Year's Day and Thursday I am leaving at 3 for a doctor appointment, so I have to squeeze working 10 extra hours into a week where I am only working 30 instead of 40....not to mention the fact that it won't be time and a half, just extra straight time. You have to already work 40 hours to get anything extra at time and a half, and it seems the only time I ever get an opportunity to get overtime are on holiday weeks when it won't actually be paid as time and a half. And here's a thought, maybe you guys shouldn't have let my counterpart have almost the entire week of Christmas off. Maybe then we wouldn't be as behind as we are. I'm not a happy camper at work right now....maybe if we try for another baby in the future, we can plan it so that I'm on maternity leave for this time of year, hahaa.
So yesterday my dad and I were talking to my future SILs mother, and since I am visibly pregnant and I am sure they all know of my journey, of losing Kayla and being pregnant again....my pregnancy was kind of the talk of the day. Especially when meeting new people, what better thing to ask about then the fact that I have an obvious baby bump. We somehow started taking about grandchildren and my dad mentioned that he's just now getting his first where as his brother has 8 already. Ugh, hearing him say that kind of felt like taking a bullet. Boo isn't his first grandchild, Kayla is.
I wanted to correct him, but I was taken off guard and we were surrounded by new people....I'm hoping it was just an in the moment faux pas. Despite my dad being very social, it can still be a little nervewracking meeting a whole room full of new people and maybe the words came out before he could stop them. It's not like he never talks about Kayla, he's come to events for her, and he made her that little Christmas tree. A couple months ago he said he stopped by the cemetery to visit his granddaughter....so he must know she is his first and the slip just happened.
So far it hasn't really come up, anyone whose asked me if this baby is my first, I've somehow mentioned that we have lost two prior....but I am sure there will come a day when I slip and am uncomfortable and say yes, Boo is my first. That doesn't mean I don't acknowledge Kayla as my first child, so I shouldn't get too down on my dad for what he said. But I have to say, in that moment it did hurt.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Daddies- 28 wks 1 day
I wanted to share this poem, it makes me cry my eyes out, but I think it's so important to recognize that the dads are hurting just as much as we are. I sent this to my husband the night we got home from the hospital.
It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry",
and "men are strong",
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
to stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
so she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you"?
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
to start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.
(By Eileen Knight Hagemeister)
My husband was so amazing during and in the hours, days, weeks and months following our loss. Our family and friends were very good to us both, but it makes me so sad that society in general tends to gravitate toward the women in situations like these. Just because my husband never cried (that I know of) doesn't mean he wasn't absolutely heartbroken. We sat hand in hand at Kayla's funeral, and I could feel his body tensing and relaxing, tensing and relaxing, desperately trying to hold back the tears and I know it was for my sake. I love him so much for this, but I am also so heart broken that he felt he had to do that. Yes I went through the physical pain of giving birth to her, and the emotional pain on losing something that was a part of me, but I am not sure which is worse....being in pain, or seeing someone you love being in pain. My physical pain eventually subsided, but he will always have the memory of watching me go through that.
So 2013 is quickly coming to a close and 2014 is fast approaching. The new year is bittersweet. I look forward to 2014 being a happy year, filled with many blessing, the main one of course being meeting Boo and taking her home. But I am also sad to leave 2013 behind. Right after our loss, the first of each month was so hard for me as it felt like we were getting further and further away from when we last held Kayla, when we were last happy. Each month it got easier and easier until eventually the first of the month no longer fazes me, but I feel it again with the new year approaching. I was pregnant with Kayla in 2013, I still had the hopes and dreams of her being our child, home with us every day, and it was in 2013 that I held her for the first and last time; I'm afraid of leaving her behind. But this was posted on the bump today, and it is an absolutely beautiful way to think of it.
It's hard to read, but says, "I have to remember that time is not taking me farther from you, but that it is bringing me closer to seeing you again. That to you, we only will have been parted for an insignificant moment".
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Third Trimester!- 28 wks
Another milestone, third tri. It feels good, like I have crossed the finish line of second tri and I am in the home stretch, 28 weeks down, 12 to go! I am sure it won't feel quite like it....so far my pregnancy has flown by, but since I am entering the uncomfortable stage, I'm thinking time might go a little more slowly, but we'll see.
Christmas was good...better than expected. Dinner with my family on Christmas Eve was nice; my stepsister bought us a picture frame that we can put Boo's pictures in, one for each month of the first year. I also got an Amazon gift card that I might use to buy something off our registry, but I'll wait till after my shower and see what's left. Dinner with my inlaws last night was good too....my SIL and BIL got us a gift card to a cool restaurant near their house, so they suggested we go this summer when we can eat outside, and drop Boo off at their house on the way so they can watch her while we go to dinner. I'm so thankful we have so much family that not only volunteers to babysit, but ones that we trust too, haha. They are wonderful parents and I wouldn't hesitate to leave her with them from day one.
Now my brother on the other hand....jk, he'll be great with her when she's a little older and he can take her fun places, but I am not too sure he'll be comfortable watching her when she's tiny. But then again, I doubt we'd have the need to leave her very often in the first 6-10 months. But I would assume his fiancee would also be watching her, and she's got baby experience. I just know my brother would be a worry wart and be afraid of breaking her when she's too little.
My MIL hangs all of our stockings on the mantle, and I'm not sure if I've ever noticed before that there is a tiny one....it could be the dog's, but it was next to mine so I have to wonder if it was for Kayla. That makes me very happy if so; and it probably was since she also got us a little angel girl ornament with her name on it.
Ryan came up with a new plan for Kayla's stuffed bear. We were going to keep it at home during the winter and put it back at our grave in the spring, but he suggested we get a new one each year. So each fall/winter we'll "retire" the one that is out there, bring it home, wash it and keep it at home. Boo will be allowed to play with them, but she'll have to know that they're Kayla's and cannot be taken outside and she'll have to be careful with them. Then for Christmas, we'll buy Kayla the new one for the year, that way she can have something in her stocking. I love this idea and I love that he came up with it. I love that he thinks of ways to keep her memory alive and still do things for her. Aside from a few differences earlier on, our grief has pretty much been on the same page and I am thankful for that. Sometimes losses like these can tear a couple apart, and that makes me so sad because it's the time we really need each other, and no one else on this earth knows what I am going through like my husband does.
Christmas was good...better than expected. Dinner with my family on Christmas Eve was nice; my stepsister bought us a picture frame that we can put Boo's pictures in, one for each month of the first year. I also got an Amazon gift card that I might use to buy something off our registry, but I'll wait till after my shower and see what's left. Dinner with my inlaws last night was good too....my SIL and BIL got us a gift card to a cool restaurant near their house, so they suggested we go this summer when we can eat outside, and drop Boo off at their house on the way so they can watch her while we go to dinner. I'm so thankful we have so much family that not only volunteers to babysit, but ones that we trust too, haha. They are wonderful parents and I wouldn't hesitate to leave her with them from day one.
Now my brother on the other hand....jk, he'll be great with her when she's a little older and he can take her fun places, but I am not too sure he'll be comfortable watching her when she's tiny. But then again, I doubt we'd have the need to leave her very often in the first 6-10 months. But I would assume his fiancee would also be watching her, and she's got baby experience. I just know my brother would be a worry wart and be afraid of breaking her when she's too little.
My MIL hangs all of our stockings on the mantle, and I'm not sure if I've ever noticed before that there is a tiny one....it could be the dog's, but it was next to mine so I have to wonder if it was for Kayla. That makes me very happy if so; and it probably was since she also got us a little angel girl ornament with her name on it.
Ryan came up with a new plan for Kayla's stuffed bear. We were going to keep it at home during the winter and put it back at our grave in the spring, but he suggested we get a new one each year. So each fall/winter we'll "retire" the one that is out there, bring it home, wash it and keep it at home. Boo will be allowed to play with them, but she'll have to know that they're Kayla's and cannot be taken outside and she'll have to be careful with them. Then for Christmas, we'll buy Kayla the new one for the year, that way she can have something in her stocking. I love this idea and I love that he came up with it. I love that he thinks of ways to keep her memory alive and still do things for her. Aside from a few differences earlier on, our grief has pretty much been on the same page and I am thankful for that. Sometimes losses like these can tear a couple apart, and that makes me so sad because it's the time we really need each other, and no one else on this earth knows what I am going through like my husband does.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
9 months- 27 wks 5 days
It's been 9 months exactly since my baby girl was born. I miss her so much and I wish I could hold her again. I hate that this happened to us, and I hate that it happens to others. It just breaks my heart.
Today also would have been my grandpa's 86th birthday...hopefully he and Kayla are snuggling together in Heaven. There is a picture of my grandpa holding me when I was 13 days old....I know because in the picture my mom was blowing out her birthday candles. He had the look of complete joy and just ooozed "proud grandpa" as he held me. I picture him with the same look on his face as he holds my daughter.
I'm looking forward to tonight, my family is coming over, we're hosting dinner and opening our presents with them. We were going to go to church, but I get off work at 5 and church is at 5:30....I would make it on time, barely, but work has been insanely busy lately. I keep getting stress headaches, and the idea of having a busy hectic day and then flying to get to church on time wore me out. So instead I'll just go home and get dinner ready for our company.
I'm kind of irritated though that my brother and his fiancee have also decided to bail on church since I'm not going, and now my dad isn't going either since nobody else is going. I know he would have liked to have gone....in fact up until a couple years ago we never missed church on Christmas Eve. I am a little sad that I can't go tonight, if I got off work earlier, or wasn't so busy this time of year I would still go....but there really isn't a good reason my brother isn't going aside from the fact that I bailed. I get the feeling my dad would have liked to have gone, but doesn't want to by himself.
It's probably just as well that I'm not going...the really religious Christmas songs, especially Hark the Harold Angels Sing really chokes me up lately. And my first Christmas Eve without my mom I had a hard time at church, and suspect tonight would have been similar. I'd rather not be fighting to hold back the tears at church.
I can't wait to give my dad and Brenda their gift tonight....I got them each a smaller gift, but my brother and I went in together and we're sending them on an Alaskan Cruise. Haha, they're going to be pissed that we're spending so much. But I always said if I ever was in a position to do so, I would send my dad on a vacation, and Alaska is something he's been talking about for years. We're totally going to make Brenda cry. They're such wonderful people....my dad is amazing, the best dad in the world, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner for him than Brenda. She's been a blessing in our lives and they both deserve this trip. I also made her cry on her birthday....since she's not technically my stepmom since they're not married, I wanted her to know that I not only accept her in our family, but that I think of her as family. So the card that I got her started with, you're like family to me, but I crossed out the "like" and I saw she got teary while reading it :) Not that I enjoy making people cry, but I am glad she liked it.
I'm starting to get reaaaalllly uncomfortable. Every movement hurts...I put my foot up on the toilet seat this morning after my shower to dry my leg and I got the worst cramp in my pelvic area. Standing up, sitting down, laying down, rolling over in bed, getting in our truck....I cannot do any of that anymore without grunting or making some other kind of annoying noise. I am still sleeping fairly decent, but when I first get into bed I'm uncomfortable as hell, and rolling over during the night always wakes me up. I'm frightened of how I am going to feel in another month, or two or three.
I think my least favorite new symptom is how I feel after I eat. It's not about overeating, because with GD I can rarely eat so much that I can say wow, I'm stuffed. But after I eat, my stomach.....my bump, not my actual stomach, feels super tight and full, like it's going to burst. I assume it's because as my stomach gets food in it, it pushed everything else up to make room. It's a really gross feeling....ahhh the joys of pregnancy that nobody tells you about.
Just one more day until third trimester, and another milestone! Boo is still moving frequently, but I notice her kicks and jabs aren't quite as forceful....maybe as she gets bigger and there is less room, she can't put as much elbow grease behind her punches. My news years resolution is going to be to get her nursery ready before the end of January. I know there is still time, but my shower will be here before I know it, and we'll have more stuff to pile in there. It makes me anxious to see junk still scattered in there and her crib still in the box. Too bad I cannot drink a 5 hour energy drink, then it would be done within a couple hours.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas tomorrow!
Today also would have been my grandpa's 86th birthday...hopefully he and Kayla are snuggling together in Heaven. There is a picture of my grandpa holding me when I was 13 days old....I know because in the picture my mom was blowing out her birthday candles. He had the look of complete joy and just ooozed "proud grandpa" as he held me. I picture him with the same look on his face as he holds my daughter.
I'm looking forward to tonight, my family is coming over, we're hosting dinner and opening our presents with them. We were going to go to church, but I get off work at 5 and church is at 5:30....I would make it on time, barely, but work has been insanely busy lately. I keep getting stress headaches, and the idea of having a busy hectic day and then flying to get to church on time wore me out. So instead I'll just go home and get dinner ready for our company.
I'm kind of irritated though that my brother and his fiancee have also decided to bail on church since I'm not going, and now my dad isn't going either since nobody else is going. I know he would have liked to have gone....in fact up until a couple years ago we never missed church on Christmas Eve. I am a little sad that I can't go tonight, if I got off work earlier, or wasn't so busy this time of year I would still go....but there really isn't a good reason my brother isn't going aside from the fact that I bailed. I get the feeling my dad would have liked to have gone, but doesn't want to by himself.
It's probably just as well that I'm not going...the really religious Christmas songs, especially Hark the Harold Angels Sing really chokes me up lately. And my first Christmas Eve without my mom I had a hard time at church, and suspect tonight would have been similar. I'd rather not be fighting to hold back the tears at church.
I can't wait to give my dad and Brenda their gift tonight....I got them each a smaller gift, but my brother and I went in together and we're sending them on an Alaskan Cruise. Haha, they're going to be pissed that we're spending so much. But I always said if I ever was in a position to do so, I would send my dad on a vacation, and Alaska is something he's been talking about for years. We're totally going to make Brenda cry. They're such wonderful people....my dad is amazing, the best dad in the world, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner for him than Brenda. She's been a blessing in our lives and they both deserve this trip. I also made her cry on her birthday....since she's not technically my stepmom since they're not married, I wanted her to know that I not only accept her in our family, but that I think of her as family. So the card that I got her started with, you're like family to me, but I crossed out the "like" and I saw she got teary while reading it :) Not that I enjoy making people cry, but I am glad she liked it.
I'm starting to get reaaaalllly uncomfortable. Every movement hurts...I put my foot up on the toilet seat this morning after my shower to dry my leg and I got the worst cramp in my pelvic area. Standing up, sitting down, laying down, rolling over in bed, getting in our truck....I cannot do any of that anymore without grunting or making some other kind of annoying noise. I am still sleeping fairly decent, but when I first get into bed I'm uncomfortable as hell, and rolling over during the night always wakes me up. I'm frightened of how I am going to feel in another month, or two or three.
I think my least favorite new symptom is how I feel after I eat. It's not about overeating, because with GD I can rarely eat so much that I can say wow, I'm stuffed. But after I eat, my stomach.....my bump, not my actual stomach, feels super tight and full, like it's going to burst. I assume it's because as my stomach gets food in it, it pushed everything else up to make room. It's a really gross feeling....ahhh the joys of pregnancy that nobody tells you about.
Just one more day until third trimester, and another milestone! Boo is still moving frequently, but I notice her kicks and jabs aren't quite as forceful....maybe as she gets bigger and there is less room, she can't put as much elbow grease behind her punches. My news years resolution is going to be to get her nursery ready before the end of January. I know there is still time, but my shower will be here before I know it, and we'll have more stuff to pile in there. It makes me anxious to see junk still scattered in there and her crib still in the box. Too bad I cannot drink a 5 hour energy drink, then it would be done within a couple hours.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas tomorrow!
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Christmas pic-27 wks 3 days
I had a nice day today. First I went to my dad's, and he made me one of my favorites for lunch, fried bologna! I've tried making it at home, but it's just not the same. I'm not exactly sure what makes it so good, the fact that fried bologna is good, or the mere fact that someone else made it. That is probably the biggest thing I miss about living at home is having someone to make me food. I love Ryan with all my heart, but the man doesn't cook. No scratch that, he grills very well, his ribs are to die for. But there is no place else you can sit on the couch, make a cute puppy dog face and say, "will you make me a sandwhich" than at your parents house.
So then we went out to the cemetery to decorate the tree my dad had already taken out there for my mom. We got a bunch of small ornaments from the dollar store, and he bought some red tinsel like stuff to wrap around it. It looked really nice, especially among the millions of wreathes that other graves have. So then we went over to my grandparents' grave.....a few months ago my dad made a clip that he attached to their stone (they're in a mausoleum) so we can clip cards and stuff to it. I printed off wallet sized pics of my two favorite pics of them so I clipped them to their stone. Now everyone who sees it can see what an adorable couple they were.
I actually had a dream about them the other night. First I dreamed about my grandpa; he looked really good, like maybe how he looked ten years ago. I told him about Boo and he was really happy. Right around then Ryan came to bed and it woke me up, so in my sleepiness I told him, I dreamed about grandpa! He said that's good, it's like he came to see you in your dream. So then I fell back to sleep and dreamed about my grandma! It was nice to see them, I miss them a lot.
So after we got home I went to my best friend's house and we exchanged gifts. I got her a Target gift card and the DVD Hours....we were both big Paul Walker fans so I knew she'd love to have his last movie. I also got outfits for her boys, which I was please to see they were still excited about. I'm waiting for the year that her oldest (he's 4 right now) catches on that clothes suck for christmas presents and throws them back at me and wants to know where his toys are. His reaction was a little less excited than last year, so I'm thinking next year is the year. Her youngest was still really excited though, so I have a little more time for him.
She got me yoga pants which I plan to live in for my entire maternity leave, and also an adorable little footy pajama for Boo. It's got owls on it, she knows how much I love cartoon owls. I wanted it for Boo's room but Ryan shot it down, so we both agreed on monkeys.
So I realized, sometimes I complain a little in here about my pregnancy....which is something I couldn't stand to hear before I got pregnant again and especially right after we lost Kayla. But the truth is, I would puke every single day, I would take the fatigue, the discomfort, I'll gladly take all of it in order to meet her and take her home in March. So I try not to write about it in a complaining way, but I do want to document my pregnancy, especially if we decide to do this again. It would be nice to be able to look back and say oh, so morning sickness starting at that many weeks, and oh yeah, I really started to get uncomfortable around this many weeks. For the most part, I love being pregnant, I want to be able to remember all the details. Maybe I can even let Boo read some of this someday.
So Ryan had to go to work for a few hours tonight, and I was bored, so I decided to play with my new camera. Here is the result.....cheesy or nice? I think it's pretty nice, but I'm not entirely sure.
So then we went out to the cemetery to decorate the tree my dad had already taken out there for my mom. We got a bunch of small ornaments from the dollar store, and he bought some red tinsel like stuff to wrap around it. It looked really nice, especially among the millions of wreathes that other graves have. So then we went over to my grandparents' grave.....a few months ago my dad made a clip that he attached to their stone (they're in a mausoleum) so we can clip cards and stuff to it. I printed off wallet sized pics of my two favorite pics of them so I clipped them to their stone. Now everyone who sees it can see what an adorable couple they were.
I actually had a dream about them the other night. First I dreamed about my grandpa; he looked really good, like maybe how he looked ten years ago. I told him about Boo and he was really happy. Right around then Ryan came to bed and it woke me up, so in my sleepiness I told him, I dreamed about grandpa! He said that's good, it's like he came to see you in your dream. So then I fell back to sleep and dreamed about my grandma! It was nice to see them, I miss them a lot.
So after we got home I went to my best friend's house and we exchanged gifts. I got her a Target gift card and the DVD Hours....we were both big Paul Walker fans so I knew she'd love to have his last movie. I also got outfits for her boys, which I was please to see they were still excited about. I'm waiting for the year that her oldest (he's 4 right now) catches on that clothes suck for christmas presents and throws them back at me and wants to know where his toys are. His reaction was a little less excited than last year, so I'm thinking next year is the year. Her youngest was still really excited though, so I have a little more time for him.
She got me yoga pants which I plan to live in for my entire maternity leave, and also an adorable little footy pajama for Boo. It's got owls on it, she knows how much I love cartoon owls. I wanted it for Boo's room but Ryan shot it down, so we both agreed on monkeys.
So I realized, sometimes I complain a little in here about my pregnancy....which is something I couldn't stand to hear before I got pregnant again and especially right after we lost Kayla. But the truth is, I would puke every single day, I would take the fatigue, the discomfort, I'll gladly take all of it in order to meet her and take her home in March. So I try not to write about it in a complaining way, but I do want to document my pregnancy, especially if we decide to do this again. It would be nice to be able to look back and say oh, so morning sickness starting at that many weeks, and oh yeah, I really started to get uncomfortable around this many weeks. For the most part, I love being pregnant, I want to be able to remember all the details. Maybe I can even let Boo read some of this someday.
So Ryan had to go to work for a few hours tonight, and I was bored, so I decided to play with my new camera. Here is the result.....cheesy or nice? I think it's pretty nice, but I'm not entirely sure.
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