Boo-Berry-7 wks

I am 7 weeks today, so Boo is the size of a blueberry....or Boo-Berry cereal.  Man, I want some now.  My big craving with Kayla was Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries, but I forsee eating a lot of Boo-Berry this fall.

So I survived the EDD and the balloon release we had on Saturday was really nice.  We all wrote messages on our balloons, then we gathered around and our friend Dan said a few words, then we released them.  Everyone had pink balloons, and Ryan and I each had a pink and a purple but my purple one got stuck in the one branch that was hanging over, as did my neice's balloon.  But before we left the wind freed both of them so they floated off to Heaven as well :)

I love random funny moments in an otherwise sad situation.  My FIL had to run my neice home since she couldn't stay for the BBQ, so my MIL hitched a ride with us back to our house.  We knew the side gate of the cemetery was closed, so we went out the front.  As we were driving down the side street that runs along the side, we saw several of our friends and family driving to the side gate, and turning around when they realized it was locked.  They all looked like rats in a maze trying to find their way out, so we honked and waved on the way by and we were all cracking up, lol.

Once back home, I had to run around getting last minute food prep done.  I don't know if it's because I haven't been hosting that long, but I am always such a frazzled mess when things aren't ready for company.  I don't know why, it's not like all of our friends and family are regular Martha Stewarts.  Every single time I go to someone's house for a gathering, we never eat by the time they planned, stuff is still being prepped when we get there, but they all manage to look cool as a cucumber.  They sit and chat while they finish stuff up or they hand out jobs.  But I am an anxious mess when it's our turn to host and things aren't ready.

But it went well, the food was great and the rain held off most of the day, and when it did finally pour people just came in the house and the men holed up in the garage.  It was nice to be amongst friends and family, rather than sitting around moping. 

EDD-6 wks 2 days

Today is the day we were supposed to meet our sweet baby.  I'm doing ok I guess.  I really wish I could have had today off work, but it wasn't in the cards so whatever.  Today isn't nearly as bad as having to deal with the newborn the other day, so I'll count my blessings.

My husband is getting off work at a decent time tonight, so I think we're going to go out for a nice dinner instead of our usual ordering pizza or getting take out somewhere.  If I could have had the day off work, he would have taken it off too and we were going to spend the day doing whatever made us happy, so I am glad we can at least still do dinner.  I stopped at the cemetery last night after work and I read her a letter I wrote to her.  I got choked up several times; it was all my thoughts about how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant, and how excited we were to find out she was a girl and apologizing that I couldn't keep her safe, and letting her know that even though her brother or sister is on the way, she will always be our daughter, our first born and we'll never ever forget her.

I stopped at the flower shop across the street to get her some flowers, I was going to try dying them pink and purple for tomorrow, but I didn't see any I liked.  But they had these adorable teddy bears in a pink hoodie so I got one for her.  When we go tomorrow I'll put it at her grave.  I think it will be ok, it will get wet when it rains but she's mostly under a big tree, and it will dry.  The baby garden seems really good about people not taking stuff, and the lawn crew not doing clean ups.  I know there are rules for what decorations are allowed and how long they can stay elswhere but I think they let those slide in the baby garden.

So tomorrow is the balloon release.  I'm so glad we decided to do this because I am looking forward to it....seeing all my family and close friends and watching the balloons float up to Heaven.  I mean I know they'll end up on a farm somewhere in Indiana, but while you're watching them float away, it's not hard to believe they're going to Heaven.  It's nice to look forward to that tomorrow instead of associating this weekend with nothing but saddness.

I just hope things feel better once we're past this.  It's been true of other anniversaries I've faced, but this is different.  After this weekend, she should have been home with us.  Her room shouldn't still be empty, with the walls partially painted and the closet doors still missing.  The glider that I would nurse her in and rock her to sleep shouldn't still be in its box in the corner of the room.  As much as I am grateful to be pregnant again, I am sad that that room will be the new baby's, and not hers.  I hope it doesn't take long to bond with this baby.

I am not sure if not bonding is what I am doing...I mean it's hard to bond this early anyway, but most days I completely forget that I am pregnant.  I mean, everytime I go to the bathroom I hold my breathe until I see that there isn't blood, I count down the days till my next ultrasound, I check off each day in my pregnancy book each night when I get home, every few days I clutch the toilet bowl and say goodbye to whatever I ate for dinner, but I still often forget I am pregnant.  It's like I am just going through the motions.  Maybe it's because I am trying not to become too attached, so that if it goes away it won't hurt as bad?  I don't know, but I just fear not giving Boo 100% of my love and affection because he or she is not Kayla.  I hope I'll feel differently when I see him on the ultrasound, or start feeling flutters.  The doctor did say I could find myself feeling a bit emotionally detached.  That makes me feel like a horrible mother, but at least it sounds like it's normal. 

Lucky dime-6 wks 1 day

Boo can now fit on the surface of a dime by him/herself.  Just a week ago it would take two babies Boo's size to cover a dime.  It's so amazing to read what is happening each day and how quickly parts form.  At just 6 weeks 1 day Boo's arms are already growing and his hands are looking more like paddles than flippers, and his leg buds have appeared and are forming flippers for the feet.  Babies really are miracles.

So after missing two days of work last week for bedrest, I got to thinking about what I would do if I end up on extended bedrest at some point in my pregnancy.  I don't want to borrow trouble, but there is a very decent chance that I will...at least a better chance than if I had a normal, non-high risk pregnancy.  I did some research at work and found since I've only got 6 weeks left of short term disability and FMLA, I am kind of screwed if bedrest happens since I wanted to take the 6 weeks after Boo is born.  I mean regardless of how much time I want to stay home with my baby, I really don't think it's even feasible to come back any sooner than six weeks.

The best case scenario would be if I end up on six weeks or less bedrest, and then hope they give me some sympathy since I will be eligible for "new" time after March 24, 2014.  Since my due date is so close to when I began my leave this year, they might give me a break and extend job protection a little longer if I will be accruing more time soon after.

But, if I were to go on bed rest at like 20 weeks, or even 30 and be on for the duration, it is unlikely that they would be so generous.  My brother is adamanet that they cannot fire me, that it is illegal, but I talked to HR the other day.  You only get a certain about of time required by law and after that, well, what can you do?  It's not like they would be "firing" me under bad terms because I am a shitty employee.  But if I need to be off work for 20 weeks plus 6 post postpartum, it is highly unlikely that they would shift things around to cover my job while I am gone.  It would be different if I was one week why and they said sorry, too bad for you.  But I understand they are a company and they need to run their business.

When I am ready to come back, if my job was somehow still availble or if they had something else open I am sure they would take me back, but it's not a guarantee something would be available.  I was really worried about this at first, but I've decided whatever happens happens, and we'll deal.  Worst case sceanrio, I go on bed rest at 20 weeks.  I am still paid and have job protection for six weeks.  After that I terminated because I can't come back to work.  So I go on Cobra, which isn't amazing of course but better than not having any insurance and we live off our savings for a while to replace my salary.  Then I can attempt to relax on bed rest and have one less thing to worry about.

Then once Boo comes, I can take the 12 weeks that I wished I could have had, and then figure out what to do about a job.  Staying home forever is not an option, but we are blessed to have the ability for me to stay home for the 12 weeks plus however long it takes to either find a new job, or get back in at my company.  I love the company I work for and I like my job well enough, but since getting my Master's Degree, I really should be making more money and doing something more in line with what I went to school for.  I've gotten too comfortable at my job and don't feel like going through the stress of making the switch.  But if the choice is made for me, it could be that blessing in disguise to give me the push I need to find a new job.

I am not wishing for bed rest....a strong healthy cervix would be # 1 best case scenario, and after just two days I can imagine how horrible bed rest it, I really don't want to experience it for weeks on end and I don't hope I lose my job.  But I'm looking for the silver lining should that happen.

My family is kind of freaking out, telling me not to worry.  I don't think I am worrying, I am finding out my options.  I can't imagine being told out of the blue that I have to go on bed rest and will likely lose my job.  THAT would make me worry.  Melissa emailed me a bunch of articles about how bed rest isn't even considerd necessary anymore and how it's an outdated solution. 

I have so much guilt over my body failing Kayla and that wasn't even my fault.  So if I were put on bed rest but ignored it and we lost the baby, I would never ever forgive myself, nor should I.  And for what, a job?  My baby and my peace of mind is way more important than a job.  

For the bedrest I was on last week.  I did follow my doctor's orders, but I honestly don't believe bed rest at 5 weeks does any good.  I don't think it hurts, but if you're going to miscarry, I don't think laying down will change anything.  But for someone with high bloodpressure in their second or third trimester?  Big difference.  Not moving around too much, not being stressed out over usual stressors like work would definitely come into play with bed rest.  And especially for my situation.  As far as I understand it, an incompetent cervix is basically like a trapdoor that gives way once too much weight is on it.

Which explains why many women with IC and a singleton pregnancy go into labor around to 20-24 week mark which is right around when the baby weighs about one pound (plus fluid and placenta weight) and the weight must become too much for a weak cervix.  Being verticle and gravity working against you puts weight on the cervix, so being horizontle and taking weight off makes sense. 

6 weeks

Oye, what a day.  I'm so happy to be 6 weeks today.  I feel like weeks 3-6 go sooooo sloooow, but after 6 weeks things start to pick up and confidence builds, and then after 9-10 weeks things really move fast.

But today was kinda of sad also, it marked four months since we lost Kayla.  Plus with the EDD coming up in two days my emotions are right on the very surface.  So I was at my desk this morning when I thought I heard a baby cry.  I look up, and sure enough Jill, the other woman on my floor that was pregnant with me brought her newborn daughter in to visit.  I got a little nervous, but they were over in her department so I figured if they stayed over there I would be ok.

By the time the baby cried for the fifth time, I decided I had had enough so I left and went to lunch a little early.  I knew I was upset, but I barely got to my car before the floodgates opened.  So I sat in my car for about 15 minutes and just cried.  It felt good though, it had been a while since I had a really good cry, so when I finally calmed down I went and got lunch but when I got back I ate in my car just in case.  When I was done I had to pee, and it had been almost an hour so I figured she must be gone by then.

I get back to my desk and after a couple minutes I see her again.  But this time she is much closer to my department.  Another lady, who is a baby fanatic and who had already went to see her earlier, went over to talk to her again and then came back to her desk holding the baby.  She sits two cubes in front of me.  Great.  So I decided it was a good time to take a package to the mailroom.  When I got back she was still there, so I stood in the hallway for a bit.  I tried to hold the tears back but I couldn't, especially when a friend walked by and asked if I was ok, which of course made me cry more.

When I told her why I was upset she was like oh I'm so sorry, and she suggested I go for a walk.  So I went to the bathroom and cried some more and when I calmed down enough I headed back to my desk, but she was STILL THERE.  I don't know Jill well enough to ask her to go away, and I wouldn't have even been able to get the words out anyway, I would have been a crying hysterical mess in front of everyone.  So I went back out to the hall and sat down.  A little bit later my co-worker walked by to go to the bathroom and she was like what are you doing sitting here all by yourself.  I didn't really answer her though and she went in the bathroom.

She came out a bit later and she was like I'm so sorry, I'm such a dummy sometimes.  Do you want me to let you know when she leaves?  I have to say, I am very happy she apologized and recognized why I was upset, but the damage was already done.  I'm angry because so many people at my work seems so oblivious of my pain.  I mean, I really don't expect people to walk on eggshells; her being there bothered me so I removed myself from the situation.  But seriously, a two hour visit is a little extreme, and why do you have to be in my department with the baby?  It's been four months, I know people don't think about it all the time like I do, but is it really so far in the back of their heads that it doesn't even remotely dawn on them to maybe not bring a newborn baby right in front of me?

If it were the other way around, if I had my baby and Jill lost hers, I am 100% certain I would be mindful of that and not stay that long and certainly not go over to her department and flaunt my kid.  In fact, once my rainbow is here, I've decided I won't be taking my baby in.  First of all, I dislike most of the people at work.  I mean, they're ok for co-workers but many of them annoy me so they don't need to see my baby.  But also because I don't even want to risk putting anyone through the pain I was in today.  You never know the struggles someone is going through.  I'll be happy to show them pictures, but bringing him or her in won't be happening.

I know nobody was doing this to purposefully hurt me, but in some ways the utter lack of sensitivty is just as painful.  It makes me angry that people are that blatantly blind to what I went through, but also because it is obvious everyone else is completely over it and have moved on.  I mean, I know they felt terrible for me when they first heard, but it's been four months.  Not only have they moved on, but they probaably think I am over it and I'm fine and it wasn't a big deal.  The biggest common thing I've heard among fellow loss moms is that we just want to be acknowledged as moms, we want our babies to be acknowledged as people and we want people to understand that it is a big deal.

So I sat out in the hall for like another 20-25 minutes and finally went back to my desk and she was gone....then I realized she was in the next department over and I kept hearing the baby cry.  Finally I emailed my boss and asked if he could politely ask if they could wrap their visit up, but it turns out they were just about to leave anyway so he didn't say anything to her.  What an absolutely shittastic day.

Can I go back to sleep now?-5 wks 6 days

I am astounded at how tired I am this time.  I mean, I know I was tired before, but this is a new level of exhaustion.  I can barely keep my eyes open at work, all I want to do when I get home is nap.  I guess that part isn't different, but the level of exhaustion is so much more.  I'm not just sleepy, it's like I need to sit down before I fall down.

The morning sickness is also new.  I haven't thrown up since Saturday but I spent Saturday night sitting in front of the toilet almost hoping I would.  We had sushi that night, which was delicious going down....but everytime I burped or dry heaved, well you get the picture.  Not so good the second time.  But aside from the unpleasantness of throwing up, I welcome the symptom.  And I am very pleased that I only seem to throw up in the evenings and when I am home.

Ok, now it's time for a small rant.  I miss my July ladies.  March is....well, right now it's puppies puking and farting rainbows.  I don't remember July being like that in the beginning, but if it was I am praying March will even out in a few weeks.  I don't care for the super heavy snark on TTGP, some is fine of course but I am not liking the other extreme either.  Lots of Yays!!!! and squeels, and I'm preggo!  A trillion questions about whether cramps are normal and wanting to know when it is safe to tell people.

Sigh....maybe I am just a bitter bitch, or maybe it's because this is my EDD week, or maybe it's just the difference of being a "second time" mom and knowing most of the answers (for now anyway, maybe I'll get to be an annoying newb after 22 weeks) ,but somedays I can't take it.  I just want to scream that we can talk like adults instead of saying yay and yippie, the word is pregnant not preggo or preggers, yes cramps are normal and it is NEVER safe to tell people, so tell them when you want.  Ugh, and the twin thing.  Everyone is obsessed with having twins.  I mean, if multiples is what you want then by all means, wish away.  But everyone that wants twins wants them because "two babies are cute, and you can dress them alike and give them rhyming names".  How about the fact that twins are much higher risk than singletons, their almost always born premature, there is twice as much poop, twice as much crying and they cost twice as much money.

If I ever got twins, of course I would love them, but it's not something I ever would wish for and I want to smack people in the face when they naively wish for twins just for the "oh so fun cuteness factor"  Ugh, I really am a bitter old hag today.  Maybe I will feel better once this week passes, but I had to get it out here before I went off on a poor excited newb.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to Kayla's balloon release on Saturday.  I can't wait to see all of the pretty balloons floating up to Heaven with messages of how much we love her.

Good ultrasound- 5 wks 2 days

Whew, we can breathe a sigh of relief.  Our ultrasound was good today; it was too early to be able to see much, but they did see the yolk sac and they were able to rule out an ectopic pregnancy which is why they wanted me in so early after the bleeding.

The tech sure did drag out the suspense though.  Before she began she said first she would take measurements of my uterus and ovaries.  If they did that with Kayla, they didn't tell me.  The last time they said exactly what they saw as soon as the image came up.  This time the tech really didn't tell us anything, she just said since it is so early, my doctor would talk to us about the results.

It made me nervous that she was being so allusive, but at the same time I had a feeling things were ok.  She smiled a lot and seemed overall like she hadn't just seen that there was nothing in my uterus.

So then we met with the doctor and as soon as she came in she asked how we were and I said nervous.  So right away she told me that they saw what they expected to see for 5 weeks, 2 days.  That was good to have confirmation.  She said the bleeding could have been from a polyp on my cervix (which it was not, my cervix was fine) or when the egg implanted it could have burrowed into a blood vessel.  She also said sometimes when the egg implants, since it only implants into one wall, the other wall could bleed.  She checked my cervix and said everything looked good.

I'm going to assume that it is like the bleeding I had last time.  It was never really explained, and never determined to have hurt anything.  Granted I didn't have it this early, but every pregnancy is different.  I think the reason it felt like so much at the time was because of the clot that gushed out.  The nurse said since I had just gotten out of bed not long before, I could have been bleeding through out the night and it just pooled inside of me and came out once the clot was heavy enough once I was upright for a while.  Otherwise it was about the same amount of bleeding I had the final time I bled with Kayla.

I just hope it doesn't continue, I want drama free.  Do you hear me Boo?  No more getting mommy's heart rate up, no more being a drama king and making everyone worry about you.  Yeah, in case I haven't said already, I think (again) it's a boy.  I know I thought that last time and was wrong, but I had that dream (exhibit A) and how different this pregnancy is from the last (exhibit B, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, diarrhea).  When we first lost Kayla, I wanted another little girl so badly, and I was afraid I would be a little dissapointed if it is a boy.  Some days I waver, but for the most part now, I would like either pretty much equally.  Sometimes I would love a little mini me again and pray for a girl, but then I think about how much fun a boy would be, hopefully one that looks like Ryan.

My next ultrasound is August 6th, I will be almost 8 weeks.  I think that will be my last time with the RE and then be sent off to my OB, which I am looking forward to since I have soooo many questions about the cerclage and how things are going to go this time.  I'm surprisingly not super tired today; I slept horribly last night, I was so nervous about the appointment today.  I went to bed around midnight.  My husband came in at 2 and I woke up and asked if it was time to get up yet.  He said no, not unless you want to sit around for 4 hours.  Then I woke up again at 4:30, frantically trying to get out of bed because I dreamed there was a snake in my bed.  It wasn't until I walked into the bathroom that I realized it was just a dream and there was not a snake in my bed.  Shudder.  Though I'll take a bad dream about a snake any day over bad ultrasound dreams.

Beta #4- 5 wks

 Update:  Good news, my betas have risen.  They are 2045 up from 769 on Saturday....So-so news, the nurse said they would have liked to have seen them a little higher, preferably between 2051 and 3000.  So I am very close to the lower limits, and I know betas are kind of subjective.  Not all doctors agree on what are good numbers and according to the beta calculator online, my doubling time is 68 hours.  For this point in my pregnancy, it says the doubling time should be between 72 and 96 hours.  My brain is admittedly not working so great today, but it sounds to me that a time of 68 hours is good.  But, above all, my numbers did not drop as I feared.  Still no more bleeding, and I have an ultrasound on Friday.  Very early, but I am praying they see something that gives us good news.  Today I am still pregnant and I am thankful.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes.  Ryan took off work today too and he went with me to get my fourth set of betas done.  The results aren't back yet, but I am on the edge of my seat waiting for that phone call.  Being a week day I'm betting they won't call until at least 2pm and it's only 11:30 now.

Yesterday morning I was 100% convinced that I was miscarrying; I mean how could I not be?  My cramps were a little more intense/different and I could barely get to the bathroom without gushing blood everywhere.  Everyone kept telling me, think positive, think positive....but I couldn't.  It was too scary to think positive.  I wanted to think the worst so that if I were wrong, it was a huge blessing.  But if not, then the results would be what I figured.  I know peope are just trying to help and be my cheerleaders, but just stop.  If thinking the worst helps me, then that's what I need to do.

However now I don't know what to think.  Even after the initial gush, I never really bled onto the pad after that.   For the next few hours my cramps came and went, but they were never as alarming as they were on my way to work, and everytime I went to the bathroom the water was bright red and I passed a few more small clots, but it's hard to say how much you're bleeding when it's coming out in the toilet.  A rather small amount of blood could still turn the water red.

By about 3 pm yesterday when I went to the bathroom the water was just tinged with brownish/light pink, and just the slightest light pink on the TP.  As the night progressed, nothing in the water, nothing on the pad, and nothing on the TP and it's been that way ever since.  I also threw up again last night, so I am hoping those are all good signs, though I am sure even with a loss there could still be enough hormones in my body to still make me throw up.  It's just frustrating because now with these new developements I've become more hopeful that things are still ok, which makes waiting for this phone call even more difficult.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want this pregnancy to be over.  I want this baby very badly and I pray he or she is my rainbow.  But yesterday when I had accepted it was over, I felt oddly ok about it.  I don't know if it's because it would be my third loss and I am kind of desensitized to it, or because we got pregnant so quickly so I was optimistic that we could try again soon or maybe because I hadn't really bonded to this pregnancy yet.  I think one of the strongest emotions I felt was relief that I didn't have to worry anymore.  The worst had happened so I could quit stressing about it.  But that's silly....if I want my rainbow, I will have to get through a pregnancy and I will worry.  I'll worry once my rainbow is here, there is no escaping that.  I even had a few thoughts flash through my head like what if this keeps happening over and over?  How many losses can we really go through before enough is enough?  Then what?  Never have more kids?  Adopt?  Adoption isn't worry free either.  First you have to find a baby, then there is the worry about the birth mother's pregnancy, then the worry about her changing her mind.  Clearly there are a lot of thoughts in my head.

My only thought as to what the bleeding could be, if this isn't over, is an SCH (Subchorionic Hematoma) which is basically a blood clot in the uterus.   I don't know much about them other than what I have googled but it does come with complications of its own, but at least I would still be in the game.

It's noon and I am hungry.  I'm hoping my husband will run out and get us some pretzel dogs from Sonic.  Those sound really good right now.