It's been almost 5 years since we said goodbye to our angel. Most days, I do ok. Nowadays I really only get very emotional when I visit her grave, or if I let myself get too far inside my own head, thinking about how unfair it all is, and letting myself relive the emotions I felt that night. I went on to have the sweetest little girl, and I know I will see Kayla again one day. So most days I am ok. Today is not one of them.
I've always said that if I have to, I can find a silver lining in losing Kayla. It doesn't make it ok, it doesn't erase the pain, but sometimes you've just got to find that silver lining. You just have to or you'll go insane. My silver lining is that I've been given a unique gift that only parents of angels know, and that's the ability to appreciate and love your living children every hour of every single day.
Don't get me wrong, I am human like everyone else, and there are plenty of times that she drives me insane. But I am content in knowing I can love my child more than life itself, but still want to sell her at times when she's being impossible. But I feel like when you've been on the other side, when you've heard those crushing words, "your daughter will not survive", it makes it possible to set aside daily stress, and really appreciate what you do have, and to know how very lucky you are.
But with that knowledge and appreciation comes the curse, and that is knowing that it is far too easy to lose them and it can happen in the blink of an eye. I don't sit around shaking and hugging myself, I don't lay in bed all day, unable to accomplish anything due to the fear. I live my life and most of the time I can keep it at bay, and if you were standing right next to me you'd never know I'm experiencing it, but it's always there. That fear of something happening to your child, that worry that you've been too lucky, you've been happy for too long and the happy police is going to come take it away. For the most part I have my shit together, but those moments are always there, lurking....it's the waiting for Emily to get home when one of her grandparents drives her. It's that silent sigh of relief when she walks in the door, safe and sound. It's those first noises you hear in the morning over the monitor, telling you she is awake, and indeed ok.
But some nights the fear rears its ugly head more than usual. I was reading a post on facebook where parents were invited to say the names of their children that they are missing this Christmas, and I just sat there reading the names, crying. Crying for them, crying that they were all so young when their lives ended...crying for their parents who will never ever be the same. But selfishly, I'm crying for myself, and feeling that, even if only for a few minutes, that debilitating fear of something happening to the precious little life you would literally do anything for. I am not this shattered person, it doesn't consume my life. But I am still, and I think I will always, be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Having lost a child gives you this blessing of super human ability to appreciate the good, even when you're screaming mad. But it's also a curse, giving you the knowledge of how easily that good can turn bad.
Thursday, December 21, 2017
Saturday, December 9, 2017
Oh toddlers
Whoever coined the term "terrible twos" ought to be shot. There is nothing terrible about the twos. Ok sure, she had a tantrum now and again, she used to bang her head on the floor when she was really mad, but that was not bad. I know, at the time I probably thought it was, and I probably thought man, two year olds. But I knew nothing. NOTHING!
After hearing all your life that the twos are terrible, you get through them and they're not so bad, you think ha, I got this. I got this parenting thing. Why does everyone say it's the hardest job in the world, I can do this. And then, right then is when your kids can smell your over-confidence, and that's when they strike, and break you down.
Even this whole last year, I thought wow, threes are so much harder than twos. She'd have a tantrum, she'd be mad and cry, she'd refuse to do something I told her to do. But then it was over and we'd be good. The bad meltdowns didn't happen all that often, it was really more the whining and the lack of listening that got to me. But nothing can compare to these last two weeks....not even the rage peeing.
It's like she went to bed one Friday night my sweet little, mostly even tempered girl, and woke up some hairy beast who does nothing but whine, and complain, and defy and do everything except listen. That day we decided to take her to see The Star....the whole time before we left for the movie she was being so whiney. So we get to the movie and it's sold out, the next one isn't for 2.5 hours. We didn't want to wait that long, so we decided to go to the theater closer to our house (but didn't have the nice leather recliners, booo) that had a slightly earlier show time. So we were trying to figure out what to do to kill the time, and I was trying to order tickets on my phone and she's in the backseat just talking non-stop, question after question after question. She was like Donkey from Shrek when they were driving to the Kingdom of Far Far Away. She just would.not.stop.talking.
I think in order to not go insane, my mind has blocked out some of the day's events, I just know she was uber whiney and complainy all day, despite having a very nice day at the movies and going to lunch and then to the mall to run some errands. It was either that day or the next that she peed her pants TWICE, after not having had an accident in months. So long ago I cannot even remember. Every single day since the day we went to the movies, she's been insane with her tantrums and behavior. A few days later we went to Target. I try not to always let her get something, but she saw these really cute tiny snowglobes and they were only $3 so I thought why not. I told her if she was good we could walk around the toy section when we were done. So as we're going through, she sees some toy, aqua beads or something like that and she said she wanted it. I said no, ask Santa. That's been my answer for the last six months. I dread January when it'll be harder to convince her to ask Santa...next year. Oh but her birthday will be coming up soon. Is it too early in April to start telling her to ask Santa for the toys she wants (which is all of them).
But ask Santa didn't cut it this time. Please mommy, please. It was $20, which I try not to let price be a known factor to her, because it doesn't matter what the price is, if I say she's not getting it, she's not getting it, but if I've already decided she can get something, it's going to be something that costs next to nothing. So then she says, I don't want the snowglobe. I said ok, but not getting the snowglobe doesn't mean you get the aqua beads. She says no, I don't want it.
I said alright, let's go take it back then. So we walk back across the store and put it back on the shelf. I asked if she was sure, and she said yeah. I said ok bye snowglobe. We get two aisles away and it's "whaaaaa, I want the snowglobe"! I knew she would do that, I was trying to figure out how to make it look like I was putting it back but really hang onto it so we didn't have to go back to get it once she decided she wanted it. So we go back, and by now I'm pissed. I cannot stand these games. I want it, I don't want it, wha wha wha. I know, all the non-parents and parents whose kids are grown and cannot remember how their kids were as toddlers are collectively shaking their heads saying, "oh she played you, you did exactly what she wanted".
Yeah well, you gotta pick your battles. I seriously could not deal with her screaming all through Target because I wouldn't let her have the snowglobe again. Being the fourth day in a row of this sudden "new Emily" I just couldn't take it. Besides, I do the tough love lesson of "well you should have thought about that before" thing plenty of times. Yeah, it doesn't work. I can do that 60 times in a row, but the very next day she's going to try it again. Like I said, break.you.down. I mean, I'm sure if I do it consistently and often enough, eventually she will grow into a kid who doesn't thrive on drama and learn she cannot get her way just by screaming, but she's not going to learn that today, so I chose to avoid that war.
Then at the check out the cashier asked if she wanted a sticker, and she put her head down and said no. I told the cashier, she's the only kid in the world who pouts even when they get their way. Before we made it out to the car, "whaaaaa, I wanted a sticker". That's when she got the, "well too bad, you should have told her yes", speech.
Then last Friday, oooooh last Friday was bad. She and I met my sister-in-law for a couple hours of shopping. She is usually a great shopper, she has always been content on going pretty much anywhere as long as it's with me. She loves to hang with me. She did pretty well at the first store, and with her aunt being there I figured she would be good the whole time out. She doesn't too often act up in front of other people, which leads people to think I am insane when I complain about a tough day with her. "Oh stop, she's an angel", they say. *Eyeroll*.
So at the second store, I had to run and get something and when I came back she had a puppy dog christmas ornament. My SIL said she wanted to hold it and carry it around the store. A few minutes later she handed it to me and asked me to put it in the cart, so I started to and she says no no no, I want to do it. Through clenched teeth I said, well do it then! I think she went to throw it and I said ok, you're done and I grabbed it from her and put it on the shelf. She starts crying so loud and yelling, mommy pleeeeeaaaaaase. I started to push her in the cart and she kicks me. I grabbed her leg and said do not kick me. So she kicks me again. This time I grabbed her arm and repeated it, which caused even louder crying and claiming that I hurt her arm. Oh my God, I barely squeezed it, I was just trying to get her attention. So by now she is crying and yelling so loud; full-on toddler meltdown in the store.
I used to proudly say I never got embarrased when Emily acted up in public, but I have to say, that time, I was embarrased. It was easier when she was little because she was still a baby. If anyone wanted to judge me, I didn't give a shit, she was a baby, baby's get tired and they get upset. But now she's at the age where people see "crazy brat having a tantrum in a store". Plus she wasn't calming down after a minute or two like she normally would, so I grabbed her and told my SIL that we'd be outside for a minute. So I take her out front and I knelt down and I told her what she needed to do, what she needed to stop doing, and she needed to stop hitting and kicking me. What does she do? Kicks me again!
Time out works really well at home, often times just the threat of time out will squash bad behavior. So there were some brick pillars on front of the store that formed a corner, so I told her to go stand in the corner. Just then I realized I had left her coat in the cart. It wasn't insanely cold, but chilly enough to need a coat. So we're standing there, people are walking in and out of the store and my kid's standing there screaming and crying with no coat on, yelling "I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared"! I'm surprised the Novi police didn't come knocking on my door later on.
So I knelt down and told her if she could stop crying, we'd go back inside but she is not to yell and scream, she is not to kick me or hit me again, or we were leaving. She said ok.....we went back in and I was on pins and needles. I had just threatened something that I had to stick to, or risk showing her that she had all the power. I may occasionally give in to the I want it/I don't want it games, but I try very hard not to make threats that I don't intend to make good on if need be. Thankfully it wasn't a long shopping day, my SIL had an appointment so we would be leaving soon anyway, but I wasn't ready to leave right that minute, so I was praying I didn't have to follow through with my threat if she continued to misbehave.
She was pretty good for the rest of the time, and then as we were checking out, she asked if we could get McDonalds on the way home. Ordinarily I wouldn't reward her for being so bad, but I was thinking about getting it before she asked, and we had nothing for lunch at home. And, I really wanted McDonalds. So I had to make her think it was all dependent on her behavior on the way home, and I was really hoping she would be good, because I wanted McDonalds too. She said I'll be good, see...and she flashed a big corny smile. Ugh, toddlers. One minute they drive you to the edge of insanity, and the next they break your heart with their charm and cuteness.
So luckily she was pretty good on the way home, so we got lunch. Then I had to work for a bit, and I was really hoping she would take a nap during quiet time. So I sent her to go potty while I cleaned up lunch, and when I came in the bathroom she had her panties on and everything....I asked if she went and she said yeah, I did. It seemed fishy, but she had never lied about going before, so I believed her. Dumb! Not even five minutes after I closed her door, she starts crying. I go back in and she said, oh no I peed! Her sheets were soaked, so there is no way she actually went potty before like she said she did.
So I had to put her in the shower and clean her off, get fresh panties and pants and strip her bed. Luckily I still follow the tip my friend gave me when I was pregnant with her....always make the bed in at least two layers. So all I had to do was strip off the top sheet and mattress pad and toss them in the laundry room and she had nice dry sheets to lay back down on. God Bless the waterproof mattress pad! Once I was done working and she got up, Ryan helped her write a letter to Santa, and we went out to dinner, intending to mail her letter afterward. A woman in the next city over announced on the neighborhood website that she had put a mailbox to the North Pole on her lawn, and kids were welcome to come mail their letters. She even promised to write back to the kids from Santa. I can't wait for Em to get her letter!
So we went to dinner, and it was not good at all. She misbehaved the whole time, wouldn't eat her food, kept waving her crayons in my face, wasn't listening. Ryan was grumpy too, I think he just didn't feel good, so it was overall a very crappy dinner. After mailing the letter, we were going to go drive through the christmas lights that we go see every year, but she was doing such a bad job of listening, I felt like we probably should cancel. But I didn't want to, I was looking forward to going to mail her letter and seeing the lights, so I made her work for it and told her she had to be very good from that moment on or we were going home. So she actually was good, for the most part. We mailed her letter and then drove through the lights.
Last year was really her first year being super into Christmas, seeming to know what it meant and the idea of Santa. But this year she is really into it, she gets excited over everything. So it was a lot of fun listening to her exclaim over all the lights and be amazed at every new one she saw. But I swear, the second we pulled out of the park, the whining and complaining started right back up again. I lasted a couple of minutes and then I just lost my shit. I had been annoyed with her all week, but I hadn't really yelled a whole lot or got overly mad, but now it was boiling up and I was about to explode. I yelled at her so loud, I threw my phone on the floor of the car and I hit the door with my fist. I was just so angry and fed up, I thought I was going to self-destruct. I think I scared the shit out of her, cause there wasn't a peep from the backseat for a while. We all rode in silence, and then my husband quietly put his hand over mine, and I just broke down and quietly cried. Em has always been such a sweetheart when I am upset about something, so even though it was at her, I know she was still concerned. We stopped at the gas station and Ryan ran in to get something, and after a minute or two, in her tiny little voice she said, mommy?
Despite still being so mad and frustrated and exhausted, just her saying that one word made me want to swoop her up in my arms and tell her how much I love her. I'm a pretty even-keeled person (ok, except in traffic) until I am pushed too far, but then I unleash my wrath and I am pretty sure my head sometimes spins around and I vomit pea soup. It's a bad habit of mine, I hold in my anger until I cannot take it anymore and then I blow up. I had gotten frustrated that whole week, but that night my limit was reached and I couldn't take it anymore. As soon as we got home I sent her to her room because I just needed her to not be in my sight right then. My husband came over to me and hugged me and I just sobbed into his shoulder for a few minutes, and when I had calmed down, I went in to tuck her in and talk to her. I explained to her that mommy just gets mad when she doesn't listen and doesn't behave, but no matter how mad I get and no matter how much I yell, I will always always love her.
I don't want to be her friend, I want to be her parent and teach her right from wrong and raise her to be a decent person. But every now and again when I lose my shit like that, I worry that each time, it's chipping away a little bit of love and trust that she has for me, and that terrifies me. So far I have not seen any evidence of it, she still crawls into my lap on a daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) basis to tell me how much she loves me and that I am her best friend. But still, I wish I could get my point across without having to yell like that.
I know as a parent I cannot be perfect, no parent is. And I know it's normal that once you're pushed past your limit, it's not uncommon to lose it and just go berserk. But still, I feel very bad about yelling like that, and I just don't want to be that kind of parent. She has continued to be a challenge over the days since then, and I have lost my cool a little bit a couple times, but for the most part, I am doing much better at being firm, but remaining calm. It's so hard to not get sucked in, and expect behavior from your child that they are simply not capable of yet. It's too easy to get mad and think they are acting this way just to make your life miserable, and they are trying to ruin your day. But when I think about the fact that she is still so little, and trying to figure out her emotions and her actions, testing us to see what she can get away with and what she cannot, it's so much easier to be empathetic, yet firm, to teach her what is expected and what is not allowed, but to do it in a way that will help her learn, rather than scare her into behaving well. I love the quote, "When little ones are struggling with big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join their chaos:.
Still, it's so much easier said than done. But, all I can do is keep trying, and keep learning from my mistakes. I may mess up sometimes and lose my temper and yell, but I think it's only human, and let's face it, adults aren't all that much better than toddlers at handling their emotions. We're both learning as we go, and discovering what works and what doesn't. I know it is all normal, I know she is not doing anything that every other toddler has done since the beginning of time. But it's so hard because it's like overnight she went from being this relatively easy kid who had tantrums here and there, but quickly corrected herself with some guidance....to this crazy monster who has acting badly every single day for almost two weeks solid. She has been napping much more than usual. For the last several months, she would nap one, maybe two times a week during quiet time. But last week she napped almost every single day and even this week she's napped more than usual. So my only guess is she is going through a major growth spurt, which is requiring more energy, which makes her more tired, and therefore more crazy. At least I hope that's what it is...a phase. A phase that will hopefully end very very soon.
So, I wrote all of the above a few days ago, and I am happy to report that the crazy fog seems to be lifting and she has been doing much much better. She's back to normal toddler behavior that I can handle, and now seems like a walk in the park compared to before. My step-mom is convinced it was because of the full moons. I am not sure I believe in that stuff, but after the time I've had with Em lately, I am beginning to.
After hearing all your life that the twos are terrible, you get through them and they're not so bad, you think ha, I got this. I got this parenting thing. Why does everyone say it's the hardest job in the world, I can do this. And then, right then is when your kids can smell your over-confidence, and that's when they strike, and break you down.
Even this whole last year, I thought wow, threes are so much harder than twos. She'd have a tantrum, she'd be mad and cry, she'd refuse to do something I told her to do. But then it was over and we'd be good. The bad meltdowns didn't happen all that often, it was really more the whining and the lack of listening that got to me. But nothing can compare to these last two weeks....not even the rage peeing.
It's like she went to bed one Friday night my sweet little, mostly even tempered girl, and woke up some hairy beast who does nothing but whine, and complain, and defy and do everything except listen. That day we decided to take her to see The Star....the whole time before we left for the movie she was being so whiney. So we get to the movie and it's sold out, the next one isn't for 2.5 hours. We didn't want to wait that long, so we decided to go to the theater closer to our house (but didn't have the nice leather recliners, booo) that had a slightly earlier show time. So we were trying to figure out what to do to kill the time, and I was trying to order tickets on my phone and she's in the backseat just talking non-stop, question after question after question. She was like Donkey from Shrek when they were driving to the Kingdom of Far Far Away. She just would.not.stop.talking.
I think in order to not go insane, my mind has blocked out some of the day's events, I just know she was uber whiney and complainy all day, despite having a very nice day at the movies and going to lunch and then to the mall to run some errands. It was either that day or the next that she peed her pants TWICE, after not having had an accident in months. So long ago I cannot even remember. Every single day since the day we went to the movies, she's been insane with her tantrums and behavior. A few days later we went to Target. I try not to always let her get something, but she saw these really cute tiny snowglobes and they were only $3 so I thought why not. I told her if she was good we could walk around the toy section when we were done. So as we're going through, she sees some toy, aqua beads or something like that and she said she wanted it. I said no, ask Santa. That's been my answer for the last six months. I dread January when it'll be harder to convince her to ask Santa...next year. Oh but her birthday will be coming up soon. Is it too early in April to start telling her to ask Santa for the toys she wants (which is all of them).
But ask Santa didn't cut it this time. Please mommy, please. It was $20, which I try not to let price be a known factor to her, because it doesn't matter what the price is, if I say she's not getting it, she's not getting it, but if I've already decided she can get something, it's going to be something that costs next to nothing. So then she says, I don't want the snowglobe. I said ok, but not getting the snowglobe doesn't mean you get the aqua beads. She says no, I don't want it.
I said alright, let's go take it back then. So we walk back across the store and put it back on the shelf. I asked if she was sure, and she said yeah. I said ok bye snowglobe. We get two aisles away and it's "whaaaaa, I want the snowglobe"! I knew she would do that, I was trying to figure out how to make it look like I was putting it back but really hang onto it so we didn't have to go back to get it once she decided she wanted it. So we go back, and by now I'm pissed. I cannot stand these games. I want it, I don't want it, wha wha wha. I know, all the non-parents and parents whose kids are grown and cannot remember how their kids were as toddlers are collectively shaking their heads saying, "oh she played you, you did exactly what she wanted".
Yeah well, you gotta pick your battles. I seriously could not deal with her screaming all through Target because I wouldn't let her have the snowglobe again. Being the fourth day in a row of this sudden "new Emily" I just couldn't take it. Besides, I do the tough love lesson of "well you should have thought about that before" thing plenty of times. Yeah, it doesn't work. I can do that 60 times in a row, but the very next day she's going to try it again. Like I said, break.you.down. I mean, I'm sure if I do it consistently and often enough, eventually she will grow into a kid who doesn't thrive on drama and learn she cannot get her way just by screaming, but she's not going to learn that today, so I chose to avoid that war.
Then at the check out the cashier asked if she wanted a sticker, and she put her head down and said no. I told the cashier, she's the only kid in the world who pouts even when they get their way. Before we made it out to the car, "whaaaaa, I wanted a sticker". That's when she got the, "well too bad, you should have told her yes", speech.
Then last Friday, oooooh last Friday was bad. She and I met my sister-in-law for a couple hours of shopping. She is usually a great shopper, she has always been content on going pretty much anywhere as long as it's with me. She loves to hang with me. She did pretty well at the first store, and with her aunt being there I figured she would be good the whole time out. She doesn't too often act up in front of other people, which leads people to think I am insane when I complain about a tough day with her. "Oh stop, she's an angel", they say. *Eyeroll*.
So at the second store, I had to run and get something and when I came back she had a puppy dog christmas ornament. My SIL said she wanted to hold it and carry it around the store. A few minutes later she handed it to me and asked me to put it in the cart, so I started to and she says no no no, I want to do it. Through clenched teeth I said, well do it then! I think she went to throw it and I said ok, you're done and I grabbed it from her and put it on the shelf. She starts crying so loud and yelling, mommy pleeeeeaaaaaase. I started to push her in the cart and she kicks me. I grabbed her leg and said do not kick me. So she kicks me again. This time I grabbed her arm and repeated it, which caused even louder crying and claiming that I hurt her arm. Oh my God, I barely squeezed it, I was just trying to get her attention. So by now she is crying and yelling so loud; full-on toddler meltdown in the store.
I used to proudly say I never got embarrased when Emily acted up in public, but I have to say, that time, I was embarrased. It was easier when she was little because she was still a baby. If anyone wanted to judge me, I didn't give a shit, she was a baby, baby's get tired and they get upset. But now she's at the age where people see "crazy brat having a tantrum in a store". Plus she wasn't calming down after a minute or two like she normally would, so I grabbed her and told my SIL that we'd be outside for a minute. So I take her out front and I knelt down and I told her what she needed to do, what she needed to stop doing, and she needed to stop hitting and kicking me. What does she do? Kicks me again!
Time out works really well at home, often times just the threat of time out will squash bad behavior. So there were some brick pillars on front of the store that formed a corner, so I told her to go stand in the corner. Just then I realized I had left her coat in the cart. It wasn't insanely cold, but chilly enough to need a coat. So we're standing there, people are walking in and out of the store and my kid's standing there screaming and crying with no coat on, yelling "I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared"! I'm surprised the Novi police didn't come knocking on my door later on.
So I knelt down and told her if she could stop crying, we'd go back inside but she is not to yell and scream, she is not to kick me or hit me again, or we were leaving. She said ok.....we went back in and I was on pins and needles. I had just threatened something that I had to stick to, or risk showing her that she had all the power. I may occasionally give in to the I want it/I don't want it games, but I try very hard not to make threats that I don't intend to make good on if need be. Thankfully it wasn't a long shopping day, my SIL had an appointment so we would be leaving soon anyway, but I wasn't ready to leave right that minute, so I was praying I didn't have to follow through with my threat if she continued to misbehave.
She was pretty good for the rest of the time, and then as we were checking out, she asked if we could get McDonalds on the way home. Ordinarily I wouldn't reward her for being so bad, but I was thinking about getting it before she asked, and we had nothing for lunch at home. And, I really wanted McDonalds. So I had to make her think it was all dependent on her behavior on the way home, and I was really hoping she would be good, because I wanted McDonalds too. She said I'll be good, see...and she flashed a big corny smile. Ugh, toddlers. One minute they drive you to the edge of insanity, and the next they break your heart with their charm and cuteness.
So luckily she was pretty good on the way home, so we got lunch. Then I had to work for a bit, and I was really hoping she would take a nap during quiet time. So I sent her to go potty while I cleaned up lunch, and when I came in the bathroom she had her panties on and everything....I asked if she went and she said yeah, I did. It seemed fishy, but she had never lied about going before, so I believed her. Dumb! Not even five minutes after I closed her door, she starts crying. I go back in and she said, oh no I peed! Her sheets were soaked, so there is no way she actually went potty before like she said she did.
So I had to put her in the shower and clean her off, get fresh panties and pants and strip her bed. Luckily I still follow the tip my friend gave me when I was pregnant with her....always make the bed in at least two layers. So all I had to do was strip off the top sheet and mattress pad and toss them in the laundry room and she had nice dry sheets to lay back down on. God Bless the waterproof mattress pad! Once I was done working and she got up, Ryan helped her write a letter to Santa, and we went out to dinner, intending to mail her letter afterward. A woman in the next city over announced on the neighborhood website that she had put a mailbox to the North Pole on her lawn, and kids were welcome to come mail their letters. She even promised to write back to the kids from Santa. I can't wait for Em to get her letter!
So we went to dinner, and it was not good at all. She misbehaved the whole time, wouldn't eat her food, kept waving her crayons in my face, wasn't listening. Ryan was grumpy too, I think he just didn't feel good, so it was overall a very crappy dinner. After mailing the letter, we were going to go drive through the christmas lights that we go see every year, but she was doing such a bad job of listening, I felt like we probably should cancel. But I didn't want to, I was looking forward to going to mail her letter and seeing the lights, so I made her work for it and told her she had to be very good from that moment on or we were going home. So she actually was good, for the most part. We mailed her letter and then drove through the lights.
Last year was really her first year being super into Christmas, seeming to know what it meant and the idea of Santa. But this year she is really into it, she gets excited over everything. So it was a lot of fun listening to her exclaim over all the lights and be amazed at every new one she saw. But I swear, the second we pulled out of the park, the whining and complaining started right back up again. I lasted a couple of minutes and then I just lost my shit. I had been annoyed with her all week, but I hadn't really yelled a whole lot or got overly mad, but now it was boiling up and I was about to explode. I yelled at her so loud, I threw my phone on the floor of the car and I hit the door with my fist. I was just so angry and fed up, I thought I was going to self-destruct. I think I scared the shit out of her, cause there wasn't a peep from the backseat for a while. We all rode in silence, and then my husband quietly put his hand over mine, and I just broke down and quietly cried. Em has always been such a sweetheart when I am upset about something, so even though it was at her, I know she was still concerned. We stopped at the gas station and Ryan ran in to get something, and after a minute or two, in her tiny little voice she said, mommy?
Despite still being so mad and frustrated and exhausted, just her saying that one word made me want to swoop her up in my arms and tell her how much I love her. I'm a pretty even-keeled person (ok, except in traffic) until I am pushed too far, but then I unleash my wrath and I am pretty sure my head sometimes spins around and I vomit pea soup. It's a bad habit of mine, I hold in my anger until I cannot take it anymore and then I blow up. I had gotten frustrated that whole week, but that night my limit was reached and I couldn't take it anymore. As soon as we got home I sent her to her room because I just needed her to not be in my sight right then. My husband came over to me and hugged me and I just sobbed into his shoulder for a few minutes, and when I had calmed down, I went in to tuck her in and talk to her. I explained to her that mommy just gets mad when she doesn't listen and doesn't behave, but no matter how mad I get and no matter how much I yell, I will always always love her.
I don't want to be her friend, I want to be her parent and teach her right from wrong and raise her to be a decent person. But every now and again when I lose my shit like that, I worry that each time, it's chipping away a little bit of love and trust that she has for me, and that terrifies me. So far I have not seen any evidence of it, she still crawls into my lap on a daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) basis to tell me how much she loves me and that I am her best friend. But still, I wish I could get my point across without having to yell like that.
I know as a parent I cannot be perfect, no parent is. And I know it's normal that once you're pushed past your limit, it's not uncommon to lose it and just go berserk. But still, I feel very bad about yelling like that, and I just don't want to be that kind of parent. She has continued to be a challenge over the days since then, and I have lost my cool a little bit a couple times, but for the most part, I am doing much better at being firm, but remaining calm. It's so hard to not get sucked in, and expect behavior from your child that they are simply not capable of yet. It's too easy to get mad and think they are acting this way just to make your life miserable, and they are trying to ruin your day. But when I think about the fact that she is still so little, and trying to figure out her emotions and her actions, testing us to see what she can get away with and what she cannot, it's so much easier to be empathetic, yet firm, to teach her what is expected and what is not allowed, but to do it in a way that will help her learn, rather than scare her into behaving well. I love the quote, "When little ones are struggling with big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join their chaos:.
Still, it's so much easier said than done. But, all I can do is keep trying, and keep learning from my mistakes. I may mess up sometimes and lose my temper and yell, but I think it's only human, and let's face it, adults aren't all that much better than toddlers at handling their emotions. We're both learning as we go, and discovering what works and what doesn't. I know it is all normal, I know she is not doing anything that every other toddler has done since the beginning of time. But it's so hard because it's like overnight she went from being this relatively easy kid who had tantrums here and there, but quickly corrected herself with some guidance....to this crazy monster who has acting badly every single day for almost two weeks solid. She has been napping much more than usual. For the last several months, she would nap one, maybe two times a week during quiet time. But last week she napped almost every single day and even this week she's napped more than usual. So my only guess is she is going through a major growth spurt, which is requiring more energy, which makes her more tired, and therefore more crazy. At least I hope that's what it is...a phase. A phase that will hopefully end very very soon.
So, I wrote all of the above a few days ago, and I am happy to report that the crazy fog seems to be lifting and she has been doing much much better. She's back to normal toddler behavior that I can handle, and now seems like a walk in the park compared to before. My step-mom is convinced it was because of the full moons. I am not sure I believe in that stuff, but after the time I've had with Em lately, I am beginning to.
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