Wow, per usual I am way behind on writing. I will try to sum up the last several months in just a few paragraphs, haha, yeah right. So this year just wouldn't be what it has been without another major monkey wrench in Emily's life...the whole problem with her teachers just got worse when the new lead teacher up and quit last fall, leaving just the assistant. Not that anyone seemed to care much, that new teacher turned out to be about as warm to the kids as a block of ice, and didn't make much of an attempt to keep things familiar and routine for them.
So the assistant was able to finish out 2018, and she had the experience and qualifications to be the full-time teacher, but she lacked the number of teaching hours that the state requires in order to be the lead teacher. So at what turned out to be our last meeting in December, we were told if they could not find a new lead teacher in the next two weeks, they would be forced to close, either permanently or at least for the remainder of the 2018/2019 school year.
Most people agreed that they wanted to try and stick it out, and do whatever they could to help the school find a new teacher. I did too, but I also didn't want to cling to an impossible reality, and then have no school for Em when it closed. If they couldn't find a suitable teacher in the last 9 months of looking, I held no hope for the next two weeks. So when I picked Em up after the meeting, Ryan and I agreed her last day there would be the last day before Christmas break, and we would find a new school for her. I figured even if they did somehow find someone new, what was to say she would be any good or stick around? The board had already failed the kids and us by not telling us at the start of the school year that their teacher was only interim, so I had no faith in them to keep the school going. They didn't make it, by the way, no teacher was found, so they did indeed close. It does sound like some good changes have been made, and they will be re-opening for 2019/2020. That does us no good of course, but that school had been around since the 70's. I was sad to see it run into the ground by an incompetent board.
It was not what I wanted to do, but I agreed that if they would take her, Emily could go to Ryan's old private school, where his best friend was now principal. I figured it would be very difficult to find an opening in any of the co-ops around, and while I did enjoy being involved in her school, the idea of coming into a new co-op mid-year, catching up on fundraising goals and working in the classroom schedule and whatever job I would have sounded very daunting. I did have issues with sending her to his old school, but I will admit, it was nice to just let her go to school, and not deal with all of the co-op stuff and involvement right then. Things were still stressful with the divorce, and having one less thing on my plate was a good thing.
So Christmas was good....it was different but good. We hosted my family on Christmas Eve, and then Ryan came over Christmas morning to watch Emily open her presents. She loved all her gifts, and I think she had a very nice Christmas. Once she had a chance to play with some of her things, I got her ready and then she left with her dad to go spend Christmas day with him and his family. Having nowhere to go, I was just going to stay home and wallow in my misery, but my sister-in-law and brother had a change of plans with her family, so they insisted I come over and not sit home and feel blah. I took a nap after Emily left, but then I managed to shower and go to their house.
My SIL ended up being very sick, so she holed up in her room all day, and my brother and I headed out to get Chinese not long after I got there. I figured it would be like the Chinese place they went to on A Christmas Story...the only ones there. But no, apparently many people had the same idea, and the place was packed with people waiting for carry out orders. We were too hungry to wait, so we ended up getting a frozen pizza and some snacks from 7/11 and sat around and drank and chatted and watched tv. Definitely my most different Christmas day, but I still had fun.
So a week or so into the new year, Emily had her first day of preschool....again. This school started almost an hour earlier than her old one, so that was a bit of an adjustment because Em does not like to be woken up. She's a "wake naturally on her own time" kinda girl, and 7am is not what time she wakes naturally, but at least having every other day off makes it better, and next year she can go back to a 9am start time. She adjusted to her new school very well. I've said it a million times, but I am so glad she does not seem to have my anxiety. When I was her age, I would not have handled it well, having to start preschool twice, and coming into a class where everyone had known each other for months already, but she did great. She quickly made friends and is really doing well there.
The divorce was final at the end of January. I was so glad to have that done with. Being divorced is good, but getting divorced sucks. Oddly enough, we got along that day the best we had in months. Unfortunately, it didn't last, but I knew it wouldn't. I wanted a divorce for a reason. Next month will be one year since we split and he moved out.....I feel like we have made great progress in the last year. Things go up and down, as I suspect they always will, but for the most part, I do think things are better than I ever imagined they could be. I may not think that when we're in the downswing of our new relationship, but things can always be worse and I think we're all starting to settle into our new lives.
I don't know how Emily is doing inside, but on the outside she seems to be handling it well and adjusting. She went through a period where she seemed unsure of showing the other parent that she loved or had fun with the one she was with, even to the point where she didn't want to wear the winter coat that her Nana bought her in front of me, presumably because she thought it would upset me. But I haven't noticed her doing anything like that lately, so hopefully, we explained it well enough to her, and she understands that she doesn't have to favor one of us over the other, and we won't get upset that she loves us both.
In February I asked Emily where she wanted to go to dinner that coming weekend, and she said the Lobster place (Red Lobster). I do like it, but I am not a huge fan of seafood, so I said why don't you ask daddy to take you some time. Then I said actually if that's where you want to go, we can go there, and she asked, with daddy? I said no, not with daddy. But then I thought, why not? So I asked him if he would like to join us for dinner that weekend, and suggested we should do dinner the three of us every few months for her sake. The last time we went, which was a few weeks ago, her dad was coming to pick her up for his weekend, and I told her they were going to dinner and I was coming too, and she was so excited.
As things change, as we each begin to date and move on, that may not be plausible to do anymore. We'll always be there together as her parents for things like school plays, and her birthday and other stuff, but I don't see the family dinner thing continuing on for a long time. As much as any new man in my life has to understand that Emily has a dad and he will be in our lives, I also think there is a fine line between getting along for the kids, and making your new SO uncomfortable by doing too many "family things" with your ex. But as we're not even quite to a year yet, I think it's still important to do these things on occasion to show Emily that we can get along and that we are and will always be her parents, even if we're not together anymore.
Her age helps a lot too. I think (I hope) this happened at the perfect time. I first began seriously considering leaving when she was only two, and it absolutely broke my heart to think of her not even being able to remember us being a family. But I was also afraid of waiting until she was too old when it would be harder for her and impact her more. The first time we separated, she was 3.5 and it was so hard. I still remember that first day without Ryan home..... every time she heard a truck or a lawn mower outside, she'd get excited. Her little face perked up and she said "that must be my daddy" and she'd run to the window, only to watch her face fall when she realized it wasn't him.
That seriously broke my heart into a million pieces. I sometimes forget that as a child, you love your parents, even if they aren't perfect. The things I wanted to kill him for, she either didn't see, or didn't understand, or forgave easily In my mind, he was an asshole one too many times, but in her mind, he is her daddy and she loves him and it hurt me so much to see her hurting. It's what made me consider several times, staying for her. To keep her family together, even if I was miserable. But thankfully I realized while I was making her happy in the short run, I was hurting her in the long run. She would only get older, and more cognizant. When I thought of her coming to me as a teen or an adult, and telling me that she always knew I was unhappy with her dad, that was what made me realize I couldn't stay,
So thankfully I think things happened at a good age for her. She's old enough to remember happy times as a family, but young enough to be able to adjust to her new life easier and get used to her new normal. I hope so anyway.
We managed to successfully pull off a joint birthday party for her in March. I figured things were still too new for his family to comfortably come to what is now just my house, and being her 5th, we wanted to invite some friends and my house just does not accommodate that many people if the weather does not allow it to be outside as well. Being in mid-to-late March in Michigan, that is rarely possible. So after some disagreement, we finally settled on McDonald's. You really cannot beat it for the price. You get food, entertainment and space all for less than $70.00. Most everything else we looked into was well over $300. I'm sure some people can afford that no problem, but I am still trying to adjust to just one income now, and really, did she have any less fun at a $70.00 party vs a $300 party? I highly doubt it.
I didn't have her the weekend of the party, and I was very stressed about it so I just laid around and gave myself a lazy weekend. I also enjoyed not having to run around like a crazy person, getting the house in order for company, buying and making food, and all the other crap that goes into having people over. I don't know, she may be getting a McDonald's party every year now. Seriously the entire thing was cheaper than just buying food to have people over. But not having anything to keep me busy was bad in a way, because it just let me succumb to my anxiety over her party. We'd never had it at a place before, and since we invited a few kids from school, there could be some people there I didn't know....and it was the first time being around all of his family and friends since we split, and I was worried about how our two sides would mesh.
So I ended up not feeling well all weekend, and having some very weird and kind of disturbing dreams. The one night I even dreamed that I had taken a nap, and overslept for her party, and I woke up feeling terrible. So Sunday afternoon, I was a nervous wreck. When I am anxious, I'm either hot and sweaty, or I'm freezing. That day my body decided on hot and sweaty. Awesome, really doesn't help with trying to look nice. So I stopped on the way to get helium balloons, but the place had run out of helium. Crap! I normally order the balloons a few days before, and I didn't this time. She said if I had placed an order ahead of time, they would have had to use their helium tanks off the shelf to fill the order.
So now I had to go in the opposite direction of the party, and a few cities away to the other location to get the balloons. But luckily since Ryan lives right near that McDonalds, he got there early, and I ended up getting there at least a few minutes before anyone else arrived. Emily came with her Nana and Papa, and she looked so cute with the Minnie Mouse shirt that I got her that said birthday girl on the front and her name and a 5 on the back. As it turned out, there was another girl's party that same day in Emily's class, and her invites went out first, so none of her school friends were able to make it. But she did have two friends there, plus her cousins and a couple of our (now just his) friends' kids.
So once everyone arrived, Emily ran off and played on the equipment with her friends, and then the food came out. There was a definite divide in the room....I hung out with my brother and SIL and best friend the whole time, Ryan was on the other side of the room with his friends. Most people from each side said hi to each other and our parents all made nice and chatted a bit, but you could feel the tension. But still, considering how contentious our split was, I think it went very well. I am sure in some families, some people wouldn't have even come, or there could have been some words said, or some passive aggressiveness. So I think everyone did very well considering, and I think it speaks volumes to how much everyone loves Emily to all put our differences aside and come celebrate her birthday. And the best thing is, she seemed to be having so much fun, I am sure she wasn't even aware of anything.
Her cousin helped her open her presents and read all her cards for her, which I was grateful for because I hate doing that. I was laying in bed thinking about it the next day, and suddenly I realized....my niece was still calling me Aunt Amy. I was so happy when I realized that. I mean, I was part of the family before she was even born, and she was only a year and a half old when we got married. So she never knows of a time when I wasn't around and doesn't remember the time when I wasn't officially her aunt. But still, people you never had a problem with do weird things around divorce, and I had no clue if anything was said or opinions of me were shared with the kids.
For her and my nephew's birthdays, I sent them money and gave them specific "niece and nephew" cards and signed them Aunt Amy. A few weeks later, I got thank you cards from both of them, addressed to Aunt Amy. So it's nice to see that whatever feelings there are between me and their parents, they obviously are supporting them in still having a relationship with me. Emily is just crazy about her cousins, and they are getting older, they are 13 and 10. My nephew will be driving in a few years and as they get their own phones and become their own person, I would love to leave the door open to still have an aunt/niece/nephew relationship with them.
In March, I took Em on our 2nd annual weekend stay at a hotel so we could get away for a mini "vacation" and to swim. I was a little worried she would be sad without daddy there since he obviously was there last year, but she did fine. I think she did ask if he was coming, but she accepted my answer pretty easily when I said no. It was a nice weekend, we got to swim twice, and she loved running around the hotel room, and we took some toys, and they have a big, yummy continental breakfast each morning. She keeps bugging me to go back for another weekend, but I keep telling her we will go again but not till next year. I don't want to make it about money (but damn, a few hundred just to sleep somewhere else for two nights, lol) so I told her if we go too often it won't be as special. She thought about it for a minute and said, I don't want it to be special, let's go again. Man, I love that kid, she cracks me up.
The week after her birthday, me and my dad and stepmom took her to see Disney on Ice. She loved it and she was so excited when Mickey and Minnie came out. This isn't why I asked them to go, but I will admit, I was glad to have them there since they picked up the tab on a few things. That shit is so expensive. She wanted this light up wand that had Mickey's head silhouette on top. I thought my dad was going to die as he reached for his wallet and the guy said it would be $30.00. Funny though....did she get it? She sure as shit did. Would I have gotten a $30.00 light up wand when I was her age? Absolutely not. Such a softie in his old age.
I had her for Easter this year.....finally I got a holiday. I didn't have her for Thanksgiving, and while I did have her for Christmas Eve, and itis my preferred choice over Christmas Day, not having her on every holiday was a huge adjustment. So I was glad to have her for Easter. I was still pretty sick, I got an upper respiratory infection at the end of March, and it was still going pretty strong at Easter. So that morning she searched for and found her basket. She got the usual candy, and also got a Wrapple (funny little animals that go around your wrist and speak gibberish....she got one for her birthday so she wanted it to have a friend) and a pillow just like Minnie Pillow except with Mickey on it. She asked for it and loves it, but Minnie Pillow is still her one true love.
I was going to try to go to church that day.....I try to go once or twice a year whether I need it or not, haha, but I just felt too miserable. My dad had been sick too, though not as bad as me, and didn't feel like going either. Ah well, maybe I will make it for Christmas this year. So once we got ready we went to my dads. It was a nice dinner, and my brother and SIL got her a kite so they took her down to the park and tried to fly it. That was nice, gave me a little break. It's hard to still be mom even though you feel like death and just want to sleep and want peace and quiet.
A few weeks ago I turned the big 4-0. I'm good with it, everyone was right, turning 40 was definitely easier than turning 30. Your 30's is so different from your 20's. But your 40's isn't much different than your 30's, plus by then you've lost some of your will to be bothered by some stupid stuff. The only issue I have with being 40, is knowing that 50's is next. What I thought was old when I was a kid, gets younger and younger as I get closer to that age. But 50's still sounds pretty old to me. I don't feel like I could be old enough, to be looking at 50's. I know it's still ten years away but still....time flies.
I woke up that morning and got Emily up for school. I sat down to do her hair, and I opened the living room blinds to find all this stuff on my lawn. I had plastic pictures of cows all over my lawn, and a big sign that said Holy Cow, Amy is 40. At first I thought someone had been running all over my lawn early in the morning, but I discovered it's a company that you hire to come to do it. Either this guy is a former burglar, or he has a very promising career should he ever change paths. I found out not only was I awake when he came (around midnight), but he only set off my Ring Doorbell at the tail end (and it didn't alert me) and Nalah never even made a sound. Now granted, he was probably pretty quiet just sticking signs in my lawn, but my dog barks at everything, so I am very surprised she didn't sense him or hear him walking all over the lawn.
As I suspected, it was my brother and SIL that did it. So I took Em to school, and then I grabbed breakfast from McDonalds and just went home and chilled. Normally I go to the gym after I drop her off and then work, but I hadn't been to the gym since before I got sick. I was feeling much much better now, but still got exhausted very easily, so I figured one more day off from the gym wouldn't hurt. And I took a personal day off work, so I had three wonderful hours to just sit, and do nothing, and read all my birthday messages on FB while Em was in school.
So then I went to pick her up, and she and I went to the movies to see Ugly Dolls. It was cute, not the best kids' movie I ever saw, but decent. Then I decided I needed a new purse, so we went to the mall and after looking at about 50 of them, I finally found one I liked. There is an indoor play area at the mall that Em loves, so I let her play there for a while. As soon as we walked in, a girl her age came up and said, do you want to be my bestie? She grabbed Em's hand and they ran off together.
After a while we had to get going home, Ryan was stopping by on his way home from work to help Emily give me my present. "She" got me some Adidas slides. I had mentioned a while back that I wanted some so they got me a pair. I think I used to have some but they didn't make it through Nalah's puppyhood. So then Em played outside for a bit....it was funny, everyone that walked by our house wished me a happy birthday. The neighbor girl came over and wished me a happy birthday and I said thanks, how did you know? Haha, I'm funny. Her dad text me earlier saying the lawn looks great, Happy 40th! My neighbor like 4 houses down, who I don't even know, came out on his porch and yelled, Happy Birthday! It was awesome, I definitely felt the love that day.
Once my brother got off work, he came over and the three of us went to dinner. My SIL was visiting her parents, but she sent a bouquet of flowers for me and one for Em along with a bottle of wine. So I am a huge creature of habit and tend to go to the same restaurants all the time and get the same thing all the time. So for my birthday dinner I decided to pick this Italian place. I'd been a few times, and I did get the same thing I got those other times, but it's sooo good. So it was nice going someplace different for a change and my brother loved it too. When the bill came I asked the waitress if she could split it between my card and his, but he said no, it's your birthday, and handed her his card.
They really went all out to make my birthday special. It was nice anyway, but being my first birthday alone, and being a rather big one, it was really cool of them to do so much. I had a great day. The next day I went and got my hair cut because, well I needed it, but also because my stylists does a great blow out and my hair looks so nice after a cut, so I did that before going to my dad's for my birthday bbq. We originally were going to invite more family (and unfortunately a lot of my friends are scattered across the US) but it had rained pretty heavily the last few days and my dad's yard was flooded and it would have been too crowded to have it in his house with too many people.
So it was just the immediate family and my best friend and her two boys. But it was good, all my favorite people were there. So he grilled chicken and ribs, and then we had cake. My brother and SIL got me a Ron Swanson (from the show Parks and Rec) Funko doll. He is my favorite character on that show, he's so grumpy and hates everyone and everything, I love him. Emily is obsessed with him. She cannot understand why I got a toy as a present and she wants to steal him. I may have to take him into the office so he will stay on my desk. He doesn't seem safe in my home office.
My stepmom got me some shower gel and body polish that I had been wanting, and my dad gave me money to buy clothes. That evening I went back home and changed, but then came back to my dad's so my friend could pick me up to go out for drinks. Emily was staying at my dad's that night, so I figured I would too after the bar. I like going out in my hometown...just like the bars and atmosphere better, so that means I always drive since I am a good 20 minutes away. But since it was my birthday, Amanda drove so I could get drunk. Mission accomplished. I had a margarita, two martinis, an orange mule, and at first, I kept doing the rhyme wrong in my head, but then when I finally realized, "liquor before beer you're in the clear."...I ended my night with a beer because I really wanted one, and was happy to realize it wouldn't make me sick. It was a great night out with my bestie, and I had a great birthday.
I felt fine when I woke up the next morning, but unfortunately what woke me up was the sound of Emily crying and puking. But luckily since we were at my dad's, once I got her cleaned up in the tub, he took care of the laundry. So that morning set off a week-long virus for her, which meant no school all week, which meant no gym for me yet. So finally she was healthy and went back to school last week.
She has just a couple weeks left of school, and her year of preschool will be done. I don't know how that is possible. It seems like just yesterday we were taking her picture on the porch, her holding a sign that said first day of preschool. Before I know it, she will be posing for her first day of Kindergarten picture. Well, I think I am sufficiently caught up now. Hopefully, I will write again sometime between now and her first day in the fall.
