Monday, August 27, 2012

Always changing my mind

So once again, my plans have changed.  I am going on vacation in a couple of weeks, and when I get back I am going to call the RE for an appt, hoping for an October appt.  My TTC buddy made a good point, that if I go in October, I can still hold off on clomid until January, but in the meantime I can get testing and bloodwork and other stuff out of the way, and then if I still want to wait until the first of the year for clomid, everything else will be out of the way and I can get started on it right away then.

It's kind of a compromise with my mind, since I am getting anxious to go, but had valid reasons for waiting until early next year.  If my weightloss stays on track, I could maybe lose 15 pounds by October, and maybe if they give me provera that combination will help me O.  Or maybe I'll go and decide I want to start trying clomid in December, if so I'll have that option depending on if I feel comfortable.  I was thinking waiting until January wouldn't really matter, it's just a couple of more months....but I seriously lie in bed some nights, frantically worried it may never happen for us, so even a couple months is precious time.

I've done a lot of waiting, and I am tired of waiting.  In actuality, I was ready to start TTC almost two years ago when we first got married, but we had to wait that six months to make sure I didn't get KU and be due before I would finish school.  The rational side of me still knows that was a good idea to wait, but now with all of the other obstacles we've faced, I can't help but feel some regret.  What if I could have gotten KU easily if we had tried then?  But I guess hindsight is 20/20....deep down I know trying to finish that last few months of school with a newborn would have been hell for me and we were smart to wait.

But I've basically wasted this last year, just sitting around waiting to ovulate, or waiting to lose weight in order to O.  Being healthy is important, and getting KU naturally without drugs is ideal, but I'm passed ideal.  If getting the weight down doesn't work, or if I keep struggling to get the weight down, I am ready to start taking other measures.  In the end I just want a baby....I want to see my little Kayla or Joey smiling back at me, seeing me or my husband's traits in their faces, seeing my dad absolutely giddy at the idea of finally being a grandpa, telling my brother he'll get to be an uncle for real (his friend's kids call him Uncle Joe)....I just want it now, so in two weeks I'll be calling the RE so I can start to make that happen.  I think I'm finally ready and it feels good to know I am ready, because even as recent as a few weeks ago I wasn't sure that I was.

MH and I also recently had bloodwork done from our primary doctor.  Our vitamin D is low.  It sounds very silly, and maybe it is, but I think there is some truth to the notion of just relaxing and things will happen.  I know it is a hated mantra on TB, and I can understand how some feel it is too simplified....that as if everything they have been doing is useless and all they have to do is relax and it will happen, but I do feel like there is some truth to it.  At the very least when you're not all stressed out about something and counting the seconds, you can have a better journey while you wait.   Who knows, it certainly can't hurt right?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Excited?

I'm about to sound a little ridiculous, but I am getting kind of excited about seeing the RE...so much that I was thinking of going sooner than January.  I think my excitement just comes from the fact that I found a doctor that looks good....in fact she is part of a 3 doctor team at a fertility clinic in my hometown.  Funny, I had no idea there was a fertility clinic there, but then again I was never looking for one before.  Before the idea of going to an RE scared the crap out of me because I had no clue of how to go about finding one, what all the steps would be.  I guess before I looked into it, I kind of thought seeking help from a specialist meant spendng $15,000 for in-vitro.  I know, it's silly but when you aren't educated on something your mind just jumps to ridiculous places.

But I have decided to stick with the same time frame of January.  Obviously losing weight, ovulating on my own and getting pregnant naturally is always a better solution than being on drugs.  Plus I want my husband to go with me and he'll be laid off then, and this will of course cost money, so it would be good to start a savings for it, so that we'll have something for tests and treatment that may not be covered.  As much as I wanted to be pregnant yesterday, another 4 months to see if my body will cooperate won't matter much in the grand scheme of things.  And even though my doctor said it wouldn't be terrible to get pregnant at this weight, hopefully losing 25 pounds by the time I go is always a good thing.

I finally stopped spotting  from the biospy, I thought it would never end.  I wish that had been my period, I never thought I would miss my period so much.  I went to my friend's son's 3rd birthday party yesterday.  I snuggled with her baby all day, he's six months old....he's such a little pumpkin, I just love him.  She doesn't have a date set yet, but he'll be baptized soon and she asked me to be his Godmother, I'm so excited.  I think I already wrote about that....oh well.  He's a very good baby, always happy, smiling and laughing, but when he is hungry watch out.  He fusses for about 5 minutes and then it's all out screaming for his bottle.  He started to get fussy and my friend was still busy cleaning up from the party, so I changed his diaper, got him in his jammies and gave him a bottle.  He got about halfway through and fell asleep in my arms.

I think that's one of the things I am looking forward to most when I have a baby....being in his nursery with just a dim lamp on, feeding him a bottle (or nursing, depending if I can) and rocking him to sleep.  That sounds wonderful.  Sometimes I just stand in the doorway of the spare room and picture it with a crib and rocking chair....hopefully those items will be in there very soon.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A plan

I told my gyn the other day I wasn't ready to go on clomid or anything like that, and he understood, he said it's best to wait until I am ready.  I'm still not, but I decided on a time frame of when I will go.  I would of course like my husband to go with me, at least to the first few appointments for moral support and to give his family history and stuff, but it is almost impossible for him to get a day off work.

He gets laid off every winter, so he'll likely be done a couple weeks before Christmas and then he'll have most days free to come with me to appts.  Nobody wants to think about going to an RE right before Christmas, so I'll wait until the first of the year.  That is also the time when I *should* be to my first mini goal of losing 25 pounds, so I figure January is a good time to plan to go.  Either I will have lost the weight, will be Oing again and do not need to go, or the weightloss will not go so well at which point I will need to seek help, or I will have lost the weight but still am not Oing. 

I also went online and found a female RE in my hometown about 20 minutes away.  I was worried it would be difficult to find one, but it was pretty easy.  She looks nice in her picture, she is affiliated with the same hospital my OB is and the one I plan to give birth at and she accepts my insurance, sign me up!  I found a few ratings for her and she seemed to score pretty high so I feel confident with her, gotta start somewhere I guess.  There are also two male doctors at the practice but I'd rather a female.  My OB is a guy and I love him, it's not awkward or anything....if I were to get stuck with a guy it would be fine but if I have the choice I would prefer a woman.  Plus the two guys were eh...I didn't feel particularily drawn to them in their pictures.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  It made me nervous to think about going anytime soon, but to have it dangling out there in the future also left me anxious so I feel better having a date in mind.  It also is great that Ryan's lay off and the time that I should be at my goal weight all coincide so it seems like the perfect time to go.  So I think in November I will call to make the appt for January and also see if they can see what my insurance covers.  It feels good to have a plan.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Ouch

I went to the gyno yesterday.  The main purpose of the visit was to get provera since he won't just prescribe it over the phone, though I still didn't get it.  However I understand his thinking...why just keep handing it out rather than trying to find the root cause?  So he did an endometrial biopsy.  I of course do not have the results back yet, but just from what he could see with the lighted scope, he said everything looks good and it all looks like healthy tissue.  So that's good at least.

I asked him about the Maca, but he said the problem with supplements is that they are not required to go through the testing and clinical trials and research that medications are, so he cannot say they are bad, but cannot say they are good.  He said it probably didn't cause my miscarriage, but that's all he can say is probably.  I already was hesitant to take it again, and now that I have heard from two doctors that they cannot say whether it's ok to take, I've decided not to.

I also asked him about my weight.  He agreed with me that of course the healtheir the better and to be a little thinner would be ideal, but no it would not be terrible for me to get pregnant at my current weight.  This made me feel a lot better, since the pressure to lose weight is making it hard to actually do it.  I was concerned that say I O out of the blue, or maybe losing as little as 15 pounds would be enough to get me Oing again, that I would have to hold off on actually getting pregnant until I've lost like 25 or more.  So it made me feel a lot better to hear from him that it wouldn't really be that dangerous or whatever to get KU now.

On that note, I did lose aother 1.5 pounds this week, so overall I've lost three.  I was going to work out earlier but felt really lazy so I skipped it, but then I felt guilty later so I worked out at 9:30 at night, and burned 500 calories!  That's a nice calorie burn anyway, but for so late at night it's really good.  Normally anytime after 7pm and I say forget it.

So even though I still don't have a ton of answers, I feel more hopeful.  Of course the results of the biopsy will be more telling, but I think it's definitely a good sign that he didn't see anything out of the ordinary....since I got pregnant before obviously at least one of my tubes is not blocked, and my husband's sperm count must not be too bad (if it is bad at all) since he did get me KU once already.  So really it seems like it is just the issue of not ovulating...I know that is a big issue, but since I am quite certain it is due to my weight, it seems like a relatively easy fix.  I mean of course losing weight isn't easy, but it's something I can do.  Unlike women who unfortunately don't know why they aren't Oing, or they have a blocked tube, or the many other reasons.  I feel hopeful and hope is a good thing, hope will keep me motivated to keep going and lose weight.

On a bad note, man did that biopsy hurt.  Speculum instertion has never been a walk in the park, but since dealing with vaginismu it's even less fun.  And as much as I love my doctor, let's face it, most male doctors are a little less gentle with that than women are.  So I was really trying to focus on not clenching up while the speclum was in, which thankfully was about less than 2 minutes, but when something is painfully rammed up you, two minutes than feel like two hours.  Then the scraping of the cells caused some pretty awful cramping.  It actually wasn't too bad during it, but along with the speculum discomfort it just wasnt fun....it made me sweat.  I think my pain tolerance is getting worse as I get older.  It seems like I used to be able to handle so much more.  I had better get used to it though if I am going to have a kid.  But my doctor is such a sweetie, afterward he said I did great and gave me a hug.  I'm really sad he isn't delivering babies anymore and won't be my OB when the time comes.

So I went home and had some significant spotting and the cramps got worse through the evening.  By 7pm I was whimpering on the couch with a heating pad and took some ibuprofen.  I'd say they were some of if not the worst cramps I've ever had.  Thankfully they either went away or the meds and heating pad worked because I felt much better later, and fine today.  I hope they get the results back soon. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

want it too much/not enough

Most days I feel very conflicted.  On the one hand I want a baby very badly....I ache everytime I hear of someone else getting pregnant or having their kid.  I long to see those two pink lines on the test again, and to be able to announce it to our families.  Somtimes, like the other day I am on the verge of a panic attack because I feel like I am getting too old and this is taking too long. 

But then other times I wonder, do I really want kids?  If I really wanted them that badly, wouldn't I be doing more to make it happen?  I can't imagine going the rest of my life without kids...something inside me feels sad when I see a couple in their 40s or older who never had kids and will never have them.  It's not just the not havign kids aspect, but then you're also losing out on grandkids and great grandkids.  Right now we're still young enough to celebrate holidays with our parents, but one day they'll be gone and it will only be our little unit.  When everyone around you have children and is celebrating and living their lives around them, where do those go who don't have anyone but themselves? 

So yes, I definitely want kids....I don't want to be 65 years old and have it still just be me and my husband, him napping in his chair by 8:00 and me knitting or something.  Christmases are becoming boring, I want to experience things again but with the joy of a child doing them.  I guess if anything, I am content for now...honestly if we were younger I think I would be ok with waiting another year or two to have kids.  I am enjoying how our life is now and I like it being just the two of us.  If I were having these problems and I was like 25 I don't think I would be feeling so panicky because I would be ok with not having kids right that second.

Don't get me wrong, I am ready now....but if fate decided right now wasn't the time, I think I would be very much ok with it taking longer.  But since I am not 25, I feel panicked about having them soon, even though desire wise I could wait a little longer.  But I do not want to be pushing 40 when I have my first kid.

Maybe my appt on Friday will help answer some questions.

Friday, August 3, 2012

In a funk

I can't wait for next Friday to pass.  I can't wait to get over this funk I am in, and I think it is due to the upcoming EDD.  I get the same way over the anniversary of my mom's death, I would be really emotional and down for the weeks leading up to it, but then once it passed it was like a breathe of fresh air and I instantly felt better.

So my doctor won't call in the provera, I have to go back in.  I wasn't going to go at first because I kind of figured what is even the point of taking provera when I am not Oing?  I can see it for someone who usually has a regular cycle, you can have an off one and need help getting back on track.  But clearly the provera and having a period didn't restart my system and help me O this last time, so I doubt it will again.  Does it really matter if I am on CD80 and not Oing, or CD12 and not Oing?

I also really don't want to take clomid.  I have a feeling my OB would not do the monitoring and I don't have the first clue about how to find an RE.  It's not just that, I haven't given up the hope of being able to do this without meds.  Also I read today that clomid may not work for women with PCOS and who are so that gives me another reason I don't want to waste my time with it.  

So yeah, I haven't reached the point of clomid yet I don't think.  So I decided to go to the doctor, I don't know, just on some wild chance that he could help me somehow.  I do want to ask him about Maca though....I have seriously been tempted to use it again lately.  I do not think it was a coincidence that I ovulated for the first time in two and a half months after taking the pills for three weeks.  But I am scared to take them again since I miscarried.  I know most likely those are not what caused me to miscarry...I've seen it first hand, many many women on TB announce their BFPs and then sadly days or weeks later come back after an early miscarriage.  They are sadly very common so I really shouldn't be worried that it caused it, but I still do.  So maybe if I can ask my doctor about it and if he says no it wouldn't hurt to take them, then I'll feel better.

I am also concerned about taking them, Oing and getting pregnant at this weight.  I want to lose weight for my own health, to feel better about myself and to look better, but I also want to make sure I have a healthy pregnacy and of course going into the pregnancy lighter will help me get any baby weight off faster too.  But....plenty of women, who are way bigger than me I might add, have had perfectly healthy pregnancies.  And, while I really want to be successful this time, I've been trying to lose weight again since my wedding, and my two year anniversary is fast approaching.  What if I am not successful again?  Already it's going to take until January just to lose 25 pounds and by then we'll have been TTC for 21 months, I don't want to keep delaying pregnancy forever because I am trying to get to the ideal weight.  So I think I will ask him how bad it would be for me to get pregnant now at my current weight. 

It didn't go very well this week, I gained a pound.  I know I cannot look at just one week and judge my success....so many factors can influence weight so you have to look at an overall pattern.  Maybe I didn't drink enough water this week, maybe I gained muscle, maybe I had too much sodium, who knows.  Maybe next week I will lose 3 pounds and totally make up for the one pound gain this week, but it still blows.  It still makes me very frustrated.  Like seriously?  I know I probably didn't stick to my calories perfectly this week, and I know some of the food choices were not great but shouldn't working out two days (burning a total of 900 calories) and sticking to my calories most of the days count for something?  I would have thought since I did ok but not great (but not horrible) I could have still lost at least half a pound, or maybe just stayed the same. 

I think I need to go back to weighing in every day.  To do it once a week I have no idea where I went wrong, but if I see a loss on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then suddenly a gain on Thursday, I can maybe pinpoint what led to it instead of assuming I really did gain a real pound of fat that week. 

So my appt is next Friday, on my EDD.  I find it ironic that instead of being at the hospital giving birth to my first baby, I'll be at the gyno trying to figure out why I can't ovulate.