want it too much/not enough

Most days I feel very conflicted.  On the one hand I want a baby very badly....I ache everytime I hear of someone else getting pregnant or having their kid.  I long to see those two pink lines on the test again, and to be able to announce it to our families.  Somtimes, like the other day I am on the verge of a panic attack because I feel like I am getting too old and this is taking too long. 

But then other times I wonder, do I really want kids?  If I really wanted them that badly, wouldn't I be doing more to make it happen?  I can't imagine going the rest of my life without kids...something inside me feels sad when I see a couple in their 40s or older who never had kids and will never have them.  It's not just the not havign kids aspect, but then you're also losing out on grandkids and great grandkids.  Right now we're still young enough to celebrate holidays with our parents, but one day they'll be gone and it will only be our little unit.  When everyone around you have children and is celebrating and living their lives around them, where do those go who don't have anyone but themselves? 

So yes, I definitely want kids....I don't want to be 65 years old and have it still just be me and my husband, him napping in his chair by 8:00 and me knitting or something.  Christmases are becoming boring, I want to experience things again but with the joy of a child doing them.  I guess if anything, I am content for now...honestly if we were younger I think I would be ok with waiting another year or two to have kids.  I am enjoying how our life is now and I like it being just the two of us.  If I were having these problems and I was like 25 I don't think I would be feeling so panicky because I would be ok with not having kids right that second.

Don't get me wrong, I am ready now....but if fate decided right now wasn't the time, I think I would be very much ok with it taking longer.  But since I am not 25, I feel panicked about having them soon, even though desire wise I could wait a little longer.  But I do not want to be pushing 40 when I have my first kid.

Maybe my appt on Friday will help answer some questions.