I was just cleaning out an old purse and it must have been the one I carried to my grandpa's funeral because the eulogy I wrote for him was in there. It's been almost 3.5 years since he and my grandma passed and I miss them so much. They were the best grandparents ever. They played with us, kissed boo boo's, we're always proud of us, hung on every word we said, and were always so happy to see us. After my grandma passed, my grandpa mentally checked out. His physical body died 23 days later but I firmly believe his soul went to Heaven the same day my grandma did. He loved his family, but he had no interest whatsoever in a life without her.
My grandpa had always had health issues. He became an insulin dependent diabetic at 50 and had many scares and hospitalizations due to it, he had a couple minor heart attacks and he had West Nile and was in a coma for a couple months, and was said that he would likely not walk again or without assistance and would have to re-learn how to speak. Within days of getting his trach out he was telling stories just like always, and after a couple months gave up the walker altogether. He walked all on his own, albeit much slower than before, but he defied all the prognosis his doctors gave him.
So the fact that he lived till 84 and was very active for many of those years surprised us all. In his last few years we all became accustomed to the phone calls that he was back in the hospital, and in his final months we were all bracing ourselves for the news that he was finally in peace. But my world was rocked to the core when the phone call came and that it was my grandma who had passed. As far as we know my grandma was very healthy. In all those years she had only been hospitalized once because she slipped and broke her hip. Mentally she was very sharp, always up on world news and current events. I never in a million years guessed my grandma would go first and it hit me really hard. She was my best friend and I was lost without her.
I was so angry at first. I hadn't gotten to say goodbye, I had missed her last couple phone calls, and she went from just not feeling well one day, to dead the next. I hated the thought of losing my grandpa, but he had had so many health problems, we had all accepted that the day would come, and we would be happy for him to not be in pain anymore. We knew my grandma was independent enough to go on without him and live out however many good years she had left. We were just all in shock.
But as we watched his health take a huge drop after her passing, I began to understand. My grandpa should have died probably 20 times or more through our his life. Like a cat he just seemed to keep withdrawing a new life every time he was hit with something that would have killed anyone else. I think he could have been hanging by a thread, and many times he was, but he would never leave the love of his life. So she had to go first, to make it ok for him. I believe the day she died, he died too of a broken heart, and he decided he was done. It was ok for him to let go so he could follow her. It took a little while for his body to give out, but it was just a matter of time.
He went from sitting up in bed and having lucid conversations, to just being a shell of a man, sleeping all day and sitting in his wheelchair in the hallway, not even aware of anyone's existence. He would occasionally mutter something, usually it was unintelligible, but one day my uncle said he was saying something about his four babies, and my uncle said that was us. He loved us and worried about us until his final breaths.
As Thanksgiving approaches, I just wanted to reflect on how thankful I am for my grandparents. I was lucky enough to have them with me until I was 33. I wish so much they could have met Emily, but I know they keep my Kayla safe in their arms, and I know they watch over us every day. But I also want to say how thankful I am for Emily's grandparents. I love that she has such a close bond with all four of them, and they would walk on water for her. Em never got to meet my mom, but she will know all about her as she grows, and she is so lucky to have my stepmom who loves her just as much as her own flesh and blood.
Me and my girls are very very lucky :)
Thursday, November 19, 2015
20 months
My girl is a spitfire. She's been experiencing the terrible twos since she turned one, but the last few weeks it has gotten more and more intense. It's a good thing she's cute. She's been parroting everything people say, she has so many words now I can't even keep track of them anymore. Somewhere around 40+ I think. She loves her bath, she came in the other day while I was running it, she kept sticking her hand under the faucet and even tried to climb in with her clothes on. So I picked her up to take her in her room to get her undressed and she screamed, ath, ath! She loves her baths. So funny because she hated them as a newborn.
So she is 20 months now, just 4 more months till the big 2. I can't believe it, where did my little baby go, she's such a big girl now. She knows where her eyes, nose, chin, mouth, ears, and sometimes head is. We're still working on that one. She can make cow, horse, elephant, dog, and cat noises and she knows her name. When we ask her name, in her sweet little voice she says Emmmmy. She's 24 pounds but I forgot to see how tall she is. She loves Bubble Guppies, Sheriff Callie, Elmo, and Minnie Mouse. I got her some winter boots for the snow a few weeks ago, but figured she needed some cold weather cute boots just for wearing when there isn't snow, but still too cold for shoes. So after I picked out a new pair of shoes we went over to look at her size. I found some adorable furry Minnie boots and when she saw them she exclaimed, "Minnie"! So I handed her the little box and she toddled up to the register with them.
She's been going through a bit of sleep regression lately. She still goes down well for her nap, but instead of her usual two hours, lately they've been more like an hour, and hour and a half and the other day she only napped for 40 minutes. The next day I caved and gave her a nap bottle. I NEEDED her to nap longer and she did, 2.5 hours. Night time has been difficult too, she goes down around 7:30 or 8 and most nights she would fall asleep within half an hour. Occasionally she'd have a rough night and be up longer, but lately it's like almost every night she's been up for an hour or two once I put her to bed.
She mostly plays or talks to her stuffed animals, so I guess it is not a big deal. But still, I have trouble falling asleep so I hate knowing she's in there for a couple hours before she falls asleep. Hopefully this phase doesn't last too long.
The other day she managed to get by me when I was getting a package off the porch, so I let her walk around outside for a few minutes, but she was in her jammies so I wanted her to come in. HUGE melt down, cried the entire time I was getting her dressed to take her back outside, but of course she didn't understand that. So we get back outside to play but after 40 minutes she had another tantrum when it was time to come in for lunch.
So I got some food into her. Not much because that's her other phase lately, being a super picky eater. Some meals she hardly eats anything, even if it's her favorite foods I am offering her. She'll throw it on the floor or say stop in when I try to give her something. I have no idea how that kid isn't starving all the time. It worries me, but then again I know it's a common thing, having troubles getting kids to eat. I guess if she is hungry enough she will eat. So I felt ok about lunch, she ate half a banana, a go-gurt, had a slice of cheese and a few bits of lunch meat. After the tantrums outside I was so looking forward to putting her down for a nap so I could relax. Just as I am changing her diaper she pukes up all her lunch, and she was laying down so it was all in her hair.
So, off to the bath she goes. And she had just had a bath the night before. So I get her all cleaned up, back in her jammies and put her to bed. Ahhhh. That was when she napped for 2.5 hours. Thank God. But she's so funny, I could just watch her all day.
When we were at the shoe store the other day the cashier was going on about how cute she is and asked if she is my only and I lied and said yes. I felt terrible about it like usual, I always feel like shit when I say that. But today I was getting my toes done and the nail tech was really easy to talk to and we were talking about my daughter and getting pregnant and infertility. She didn't even bring it up and I voluntarily told her about Kayla and what happened to her. As guilty as I feel when I don't acknowledge Kayla, I've come to an acceptance about it. I talk about her when I feel like it is safe, depending on who I am talking to. This woman, and actually a few other nail techs I have told (nail techs are like hairstylists, you chat about everything). In those situations I am always met with sympathy and understanding. Usually they knew of someone who went through something similar and they are compassionate.
I am past the days when the pain was so raw it hurt to breathe, but at 2.5 years the pain of losing Kayla is still pretty fresh. I don't think I will ever feel 100% fine with not acknowledging her sometimes, but I feel pretty good knowing that I am just protecting my heart, and I talk about her when I feel safe to do so. Maybe years and years from now I will come to a point where I can talk about her to everyone and not worry how they'll react, but for now I think I am handling it ok, and no matter what my daughter knows I love her, and she knows there is not one day that goes by that I don't think of her.
So she is 20 months now, just 4 more months till the big 2. I can't believe it, where did my little baby go, she's such a big girl now. She knows where her eyes, nose, chin, mouth, ears, and sometimes head is. We're still working on that one. She can make cow, horse, elephant, dog, and cat noises and she knows her name. When we ask her name, in her sweet little voice she says Emmmmy. She's 24 pounds but I forgot to see how tall she is. She loves Bubble Guppies, Sheriff Callie, Elmo, and Minnie Mouse. I got her some winter boots for the snow a few weeks ago, but figured she needed some cold weather cute boots just for wearing when there isn't snow, but still too cold for shoes. So after I picked out a new pair of shoes we went over to look at her size. I found some adorable furry Minnie boots and when she saw them she exclaimed, "Minnie"! So I handed her the little box and she toddled up to the register with them.
She's been going through a bit of sleep regression lately. She still goes down well for her nap, but instead of her usual two hours, lately they've been more like an hour, and hour and a half and the other day she only napped for 40 minutes. The next day I caved and gave her a nap bottle. I NEEDED her to nap longer and she did, 2.5 hours. Night time has been difficult too, she goes down around 7:30 or 8 and most nights she would fall asleep within half an hour. Occasionally she'd have a rough night and be up longer, but lately it's like almost every night she's been up for an hour or two once I put her to bed.
She mostly plays or talks to her stuffed animals, so I guess it is not a big deal. But still, I have trouble falling asleep so I hate knowing she's in there for a couple hours before she falls asleep. Hopefully this phase doesn't last too long.
The other day she managed to get by me when I was getting a package off the porch, so I let her walk around outside for a few minutes, but she was in her jammies so I wanted her to come in. HUGE melt down, cried the entire time I was getting her dressed to take her back outside, but of course she didn't understand that. So we get back outside to play but after 40 minutes she had another tantrum when it was time to come in for lunch.
So I got some food into her. Not much because that's her other phase lately, being a super picky eater. Some meals she hardly eats anything, even if it's her favorite foods I am offering her. She'll throw it on the floor or say stop in when I try to give her something. I have no idea how that kid isn't starving all the time. It worries me, but then again I know it's a common thing, having troubles getting kids to eat. I guess if she is hungry enough she will eat. So I felt ok about lunch, she ate half a banana, a go-gurt, had a slice of cheese and a few bits of lunch meat. After the tantrums outside I was so looking forward to putting her down for a nap so I could relax. Just as I am changing her diaper she pukes up all her lunch, and she was laying down so it was all in her hair.
So, off to the bath she goes. And she had just had a bath the night before. So I get her all cleaned up, back in her jammies and put her to bed. Ahhhh. That was when she napped for 2.5 hours. Thank God. But she's so funny, I could just watch her all day.
When we were at the shoe store the other day the cashier was going on about how cute she is and asked if she is my only and I lied and said yes. I felt terrible about it like usual, I always feel like shit when I say that. But today I was getting my toes done and the nail tech was really easy to talk to and we were talking about my daughter and getting pregnant and infertility. She didn't even bring it up and I voluntarily told her about Kayla and what happened to her. As guilty as I feel when I don't acknowledge Kayla, I've come to an acceptance about it. I talk about her when I feel like it is safe, depending on who I am talking to. This woman, and actually a few other nail techs I have told (nail techs are like hairstylists, you chat about everything). In those situations I am always met with sympathy and understanding. Usually they knew of someone who went through something similar and they are compassionate.
I am past the days when the pain was so raw it hurt to breathe, but at 2.5 years the pain of losing Kayla is still pretty fresh. I don't think I will ever feel 100% fine with not acknowledging her sometimes, but I feel pretty good knowing that I am just protecting my heart, and I talk about her when I feel safe to do so. Maybe years and years from now I will come to a point where I can talk about her to everyone and not worry how they'll react, but for now I think I am handling it ok, and no matter what my daughter knows I love her, and she knows there is not one day that goes by that I don't think of her.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Anniversary and trick or treating 2.0
Last Friday was me and my husband's 5 year wedding anniversary. I took Emily to my dad's house around noon. We had lunch and then I had to go home. She was staying the night so we could have a night off to celebrate. I was nervous about leaving her, worried it would be hard, or that she would cry. But when I was leaving it was time for her nap anyway, so I tucked her in and said goodnight like usual, so it wasn't really hard on either of us.
I was glad to hear she napped well, this was her first time spending the night away from home without us, and the first time to ever sleep in the crib there, so it's good that she tested it out for her nap. When I got home my husband and I went to get tattoos. He got Emily's name on his forearm in a cool font, and I got an infinity symbol on my wrist with her name in it. They both turned out great. After that we went to dinner at Red Lobster, and then just went home and relaxed. We watched some TV and I think we both napped for a little bit. I kept forgetting Emily wasn't just in bed, so it wasn't too weird.
I stayed up late since I was able to sleep in the next day. I woke a few times, but I finally got up around noon. It was so nice. I missed sleeping in. I am lucky that Em lets me sleep till 8 most days and even sometimes 9, but it was still nice to just sleep until I was ready to get up. So then I laid around watching Lost all afternoon. My husband treats weekends just like his work week sleep schedule so he doesn't get all out of whack on his days off. So he had gone to bed at 8am and got up at 3. Around 4 we went to my dad's to have dinner with them and take Emily trick or treating.
I was so excited to see her, I missed her a lot and I was hoping to get a big reaction when she saw us, but she just kind of looked up like, oh, you're here? But then I was hugging her and I went to stand up but she whined and wanted me to pick her up. Ahhh, there it is, my baby did miss me. So we had pizza and then my dad and stepmom got her dressed in her monkey costume. The cheerleader was cute, but the monkey was AH-dorable! When she walked her little tail swung back and forth. It was kind of drizzly out, but it wasn't real cold so we had that in our favor.
There was a trunk or treat going on at the church at the corner, so our plan was to hit the houses on the way there, do the trunk or treat and then head back. So we went to my dad's neighbor first. He was peeking out the window as we were coming up, and he gave her a full size candy bar. He used to do that for us when we were little too. Em did great, she had no problem walking up to the doors and holding out her pumpkin for some candy. I'd say, "say thank you", and she'd say "bye"! There weren't a ton of houses giving out candy, I think we only hit four or five.
The line for the trunk or treat was about 10 minutes, and she was getting a little cranky, so we just did about 5 cars and then went back. I was very pleased though, for only being her second Halloween and only being 19 months old, she did great. She also did wonderful on her first overnight away from home. Dad said she slept through the night and they had a ton of fun.
I don't think she has been feeling well lately but I can't pinpoint why. I put her to bed last night as soon as we got home from her Nana's house, and she fell right to sleep. About an hour later she woke up crying, so I rocked her for a while and she would fall in and our of sleep cuddled up to me. My husband had already left for work so the house was quiet, so I thought maybe if I turned out all the lights she would sleep on me while I watched TV. But once I got her out to the living room she was awake. At one point I piled a bunch of pillows up on the couch and she snuggled on them, but she didn't stay long. She played for a little bit and I put her back to bed.
Today she seemed fine until after her nap, then she would just cry on and off for no reason. She wasn't hurt, wasn't mad, it was almost like she was crying because she was sad. So I'd hold out my hands and she'd climb into my lap. I put on the movie Enchanted and she'd stay in my lap for a while watching it, then she would get down and then automatically motion for me to pick her up again. She didn't eat much dinner but she loved her treat of fruit punch, she gulped that down quickly. I put her to bed at 8 and she fell asleep quickly. But then she woke around 10, crying and a little sweaty. I cuddled her some more and she fell back to sleep in my lap. Despite the sweat she felt cool, and I took her temperature but it was normal.
So I got her a little more milk and put her back to bed and she's been sleeping since. So I am not sure. Maybe another tooth coming in, but I can't tell because I lost count a long time ago of which ones she has and doesn't have. She always bites me when I try to feel around. Didn't have a temperature so I don't think she's sick. Maybe she had a bad dream. Since she was up for that hour and a half last night, and didn't sleep her usual two hours at nap time maybe she was a little short on sleep. Or maybe she just needed some snuggles with mama. I hate for her to not feel well, but I admit, I love the snuggles.
I was glad to hear she napped well, this was her first time spending the night away from home without us, and the first time to ever sleep in the crib there, so it's good that she tested it out for her nap. When I got home my husband and I went to get tattoos. He got Emily's name on his forearm in a cool font, and I got an infinity symbol on my wrist with her name in it. They both turned out great. After that we went to dinner at Red Lobster, and then just went home and relaxed. We watched some TV and I think we both napped for a little bit. I kept forgetting Emily wasn't just in bed, so it wasn't too weird.
I stayed up late since I was able to sleep in the next day. I woke a few times, but I finally got up around noon. It was so nice. I missed sleeping in. I am lucky that Em lets me sleep till 8 most days and even sometimes 9, but it was still nice to just sleep until I was ready to get up. So then I laid around watching Lost all afternoon. My husband treats weekends just like his work week sleep schedule so he doesn't get all out of whack on his days off. So he had gone to bed at 8am and got up at 3. Around 4 we went to my dad's to have dinner with them and take Emily trick or treating.
I was so excited to see her, I missed her a lot and I was hoping to get a big reaction when she saw us, but she just kind of looked up like, oh, you're here? But then I was hugging her and I went to stand up but she whined and wanted me to pick her up. Ahhh, there it is, my baby did miss me. So we had pizza and then my dad and stepmom got her dressed in her monkey costume. The cheerleader was cute, but the monkey was AH-dorable! When she walked her little tail swung back and forth. It was kind of drizzly out, but it wasn't real cold so we had that in our favor.
There was a trunk or treat going on at the church at the corner, so our plan was to hit the houses on the way there, do the trunk or treat and then head back. So we went to my dad's neighbor first. He was peeking out the window as we were coming up, and he gave her a full size candy bar. He used to do that for us when we were little too. Em did great, she had no problem walking up to the doors and holding out her pumpkin for some candy. I'd say, "say thank you", and she'd say "bye"! There weren't a ton of houses giving out candy, I think we only hit four or five.
The line for the trunk or treat was about 10 minutes, and she was getting a little cranky, so we just did about 5 cars and then went back. I was very pleased though, for only being her second Halloween and only being 19 months old, she did great. She also did wonderful on her first overnight away from home. Dad said she slept through the night and they had a ton of fun.
I don't think she has been feeling well lately but I can't pinpoint why. I put her to bed last night as soon as we got home from her Nana's house, and she fell right to sleep. About an hour later she woke up crying, so I rocked her for a while and she would fall in and our of sleep cuddled up to me. My husband had already left for work so the house was quiet, so I thought maybe if I turned out all the lights she would sleep on me while I watched TV. But once I got her out to the living room she was awake. At one point I piled a bunch of pillows up on the couch and she snuggled on them, but she didn't stay long. She played for a little bit and I put her back to bed.
Today she seemed fine until after her nap, then she would just cry on and off for no reason. She wasn't hurt, wasn't mad, it was almost like she was crying because she was sad. So I'd hold out my hands and she'd climb into my lap. I put on the movie Enchanted and she'd stay in my lap for a while watching it, then she would get down and then automatically motion for me to pick her up again. She didn't eat much dinner but she loved her treat of fruit punch, she gulped that down quickly. I put her to bed at 8 and she fell asleep quickly. But then she woke around 10, crying and a little sweaty. I cuddled her some more and she fell back to sleep in my lap. Despite the sweat she felt cool, and I took her temperature but it was normal.
So I got her a little more milk and put her back to bed and she's been sleeping since. So I am not sure. Maybe another tooth coming in, but I can't tell because I lost count a long time ago of which ones she has and doesn't have. She always bites me when I try to feel around. Didn't have a temperature so I don't think she's sick. Maybe she had a bad dream. Since she was up for that hour and a half last night, and didn't sleep her usual two hours at nap time maybe she was a little short on sleep. Or maybe she just needed some snuggles with mama. I hate for her to not feel well, but I admit, I love the snuggles.
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