Ok, I am sick of not being happy with my weight and I am sick of taking OPK after OPK and being frustrated that I am not ovulating. For someone who isn't Oing I am pretty lucky in that I am 99% certain I know why, and it's something I can change. I just have to stop being lazy and stop coming up with excuses. I lost 50 pounds in the past, I can do it again. Hell, I don't even have to lose 50, I would think 20-25 would at least make a dent enough to O, even if it isn't a perfect 28 day cycle, I would be happy with a 35-40 day cycle at this point.
I just bought new walking shoes, I have a gym in my basement, a gym membership down the street and I am signed up for tennis two nights a week, there is no reason why I can't lose. Lately I've been doing well all week long, having a cheat day on Friday and then kind of doing ok on the weekend but kind of not, and not logging it. Sometimes that worked and I would lose weight but other weeks it wouldn't and I keep yo-yoing. I know it's good not to give up, and you should always get back on the horse, but the good I do all week is completely pointless if I am going to eat like crap on the weekend.
I see eating bad a lot like smoking. I really looked forward to it and 'wanting' it always superseded the fact that I knew I shouldn't do it, and then afterward I felt like crap and wondered why I did it. So that needs to end....and it's not like I don't like healthy foods. There are tons of healthy foods I love so I need to just get a lot of it in the house so I have options. Most infertility leaves the person powerless and unable to do anything except take medications and have painful procedures but all I have to do is drop some weight and I'll likely get my cycles back and I am confident that once I am Oing regularly I will get pregnant eventually. When I got pregnant before I think I had probably only Od about 4 times in that 7 months, so when you think about it that's really not that bad.
Plus, I need to lose weight anyway, regardless of getting pregnant. I am tired of not feeling comfortable, I keep seeing all of these cute clothes I would love to buy but I don't even want to bother trying them on. I hate seeing people that I haven't seen in a while because I fear the second they see me they'll be secretly judging me. I want to be thinner again and I'll just feel so much better so I've got to stop thinking it will just miraculously happen without any work.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
hmmm
Wow, blogging comes in handy. I think I misplaced the receipt for the FRER rebate, and realized I could go to Target and have them print me a new one since I paid with a card, but I didn't know when that was. I just read my last entry and I was talking about the rebate which was on June 8th!
So, haven't written in a while but it really doesn't matter since nothing is new on the TTC front. Last week I had three days in a row of partial ferning on the scope and my OPKs looked like they were getting darker, and then on day 4 no ferning at all and the OPK was quite light again. I don't think I Od since my temps aren't indicating a shift. I'm just so irritated, I thought I was maybe getting somewhere. I have no idea if I have a fade in pattern with my OPKs or not....I've only had one positive ever and that was just out of the blue. However it did appear to fade out, so I am not sure if that would mean I do indeed have a fade in pattern.
But if I did, you would think since I am not currently Oing my OPKs would be either stark white or very very light....but it's like one day it will be light, the next it's kinda darker, than light again, then darker again. No descernible pattern so far. I hate to keep using them since my supply is dwindling, but since I am on CD29 and it's apparent that when and if I O it will be late, I really can't afford not to use them and possibly miss an O.
I was hoping I could use the scope to detect a looming O, then use OPKs as back up but clearly my scope gives me too many false positives or false partials. Whether or not it gives false negatives as well, I am not sure.
So I have been pretty much a mess since my grandma died last week. Today is the first real day I have felt even close to ok but I am sure it won't last. She and I were very close, it may sound weird but she was one of my best friends, especially since my mom died. I'm very sad that I never got to tell her we were TTC or that I was pregnant and miscarried. In fact she called me the very day I miscarried but I didn't answer, knowing the second I heard her concerned voice (because she could always tell when I wasn't feeling well) I would break down in tears and have to tell her why I was crying. At this point I wonder why I didn't want anyone to know, but it felt like the right decision at the time. I guess I thought I would go on to get pregnant again very quickly so I didn't want anyone to know we were TTC.
But at this point we've decided to tell everyone in about six months if it hasn't happaned by then. I can't keep doing this without their support and I think it is kind of unfair to keep everyone in the dark. I guess it would be different if we were younger, we could always just say we're not ready to start a family yet. But at 33, we're married, mostly financially stable, it's kind of go time. Everyone is differnt, but I cannot imagine many couples who are in our position, who are ready and want kids and say, I think I'll wait another 5 years. So everyone must either be thinking A. we don't want kids and we just haven't told anybody or B we're having issues and I am certain all of our immediately family would like to be there for us.
Earlier I worried about unsolicitatd advice, but I think after trying for this long with one miscarriage, I don't think anyone in our close family would try to tell us what we must be doing wrong. But I regret now not telling my grandma and having her support and have someone to talk to about it. And I hate that I now have one less person to share the good news with one day, especially considering that she is one of few people that I would be extra excited to tell.
On top of it all, a few weeks ago I was with her vistiing my grandpa in the nursing home. She mentioned the baby next door and my grandpa in his confused state said, are we getting another baby? I like babies....grandma said no not yet....hopefully soon though and did a little wink wink nudge nudge kinda thing. But then, as if she realized this could be taken badly she said but you two will have kids when you're ready, hopefully while we're still around to see them :(
So, haven't written in a while but it really doesn't matter since nothing is new on the TTC front. Last week I had three days in a row of partial ferning on the scope and my OPKs looked like they were getting darker, and then on day 4 no ferning at all and the OPK was quite light again. I don't think I Od since my temps aren't indicating a shift. I'm just so irritated, I thought I was maybe getting somewhere. I have no idea if I have a fade in pattern with my OPKs or not....I've only had one positive ever and that was just out of the blue. However it did appear to fade out, so I am not sure if that would mean I do indeed have a fade in pattern.
But if I did, you would think since I am not currently Oing my OPKs would be either stark white or very very light....but it's like one day it will be light, the next it's kinda darker, than light again, then darker again. No descernible pattern so far. I hate to keep using them since my supply is dwindling, but since I am on CD29 and it's apparent that when and if I O it will be late, I really can't afford not to use them and possibly miss an O.
I was hoping I could use the scope to detect a looming O, then use OPKs as back up but clearly my scope gives me too many false positives or false partials. Whether or not it gives false negatives as well, I am not sure.
So I have been pretty much a mess since my grandma died last week. Today is the first real day I have felt even close to ok but I am sure it won't last. She and I were very close, it may sound weird but she was one of my best friends, especially since my mom died. I'm very sad that I never got to tell her we were TTC or that I was pregnant and miscarried. In fact she called me the very day I miscarried but I didn't answer, knowing the second I heard her concerned voice (because she could always tell when I wasn't feeling well) I would break down in tears and have to tell her why I was crying. At this point I wonder why I didn't want anyone to know, but it felt like the right decision at the time. I guess I thought I would go on to get pregnant again very quickly so I didn't want anyone to know we were TTC.
But at this point we've decided to tell everyone in about six months if it hasn't happaned by then. I can't keep doing this without their support and I think it is kind of unfair to keep everyone in the dark. I guess it would be different if we were younger, we could always just say we're not ready to start a family yet. But at 33, we're married, mostly financially stable, it's kind of go time. Everyone is differnt, but I cannot imagine many couples who are in our position, who are ready and want kids and say, I think I'll wait another 5 years. So everyone must either be thinking A. we don't want kids and we just haven't told anybody or B we're having issues and I am certain all of our immediately family would like to be there for us.
Earlier I worried about unsolicitatd advice, but I think after trying for this long with one miscarriage, I don't think anyone in our close family would try to tell us what we must be doing wrong. But I regret now not telling my grandma and having her support and have someone to talk to about it. And I hate that I now have one less person to share the good news with one day, especially considering that she is one of few people that I would be extra excited to tell.
On top of it all, a few weeks ago I was with her vistiing my grandpa in the nursing home. She mentioned the baby next door and my grandpa in his confused state said, are we getting another baby? I like babies....grandma said no not yet....hopefully soon though and did a little wink wink nudge nudge kinda thing. But then, as if she realized this could be taken badly she said but you two will have kids when you're ready, hopefully while we're still around to see them :(
Friday, June 8, 2012
I'm an idiot
I was at Target today and decided to buy some FRERs. Everyone loves them on the bump, and I'd like to have something else to confirm a wondfo (if I ever get another positive wondfo that is) without having to break out the digis in case it's too early. So I noticed on the box it said buy one and get any other pregnancy related FR item for free, and it was up to an $18 value, so I went for the $15.99 box of digis. First of all, I should have gotten a box of digi OPKs not HPTs since I only have four left and I'd like to confirm if I ever get a positive OPK....and I do still have a CBE digi HPT, did I really need to buy two more digi HPTs?
Secondly, it wasn't the second thing that I bought that was free, it's the initial box with the rebate on it, which was only $12.99, not the $15.99 digis. Erg, reading fail! Oh well, so I'll get a rebate for $12.99 and the digis had an instant coupon of 3.00 on them, so in the end I got three line FRERs and two digi HPTs for $12.99, that's not bad.
I'm debating hiding all of my TTC "paraphernalia". We're having family over for a BBQ Sunday and ya know, people are nosey. I myself look in people's showers....not to judge, I don't know why I do it. I see a closed curtain, I want to see what's behind it. Plus it makes me feel better if their shower isn't sparkling clean, cause Lord knows ours isn't. So I moved everything from the top drawer to the bottom drawer, figuring if people are going to snoop it will be in the most accessible drawer. But then again, the bottom drawer is closer for little people....I can just see my niece or nephew come out of the bathroom waving an HPT around,
Ok, decision made, they will be moved out of the bathroom by Sunday. Better safe than sorry. Funny story about bathrooms and my nephew though. He is six now, but a couple years ago they were over and after they left I went to the bathroom and noticed this blue gel kind of gobbed up in the sink drain. Then I noticed the gel "stick thing" inside the toilet bowl was all weird looking. My nephew must have wondered what that blue squishy thing was and decided to check it out, then tried to wash it off his fingers, haha. Goofy kid.
Secondly, it wasn't the second thing that I bought that was free, it's the initial box with the rebate on it, which was only $12.99, not the $15.99 digis. Erg, reading fail! Oh well, so I'll get a rebate for $12.99 and the digis had an instant coupon of 3.00 on them, so in the end I got three line FRERs and two digi HPTs for $12.99, that's not bad.
I'm debating hiding all of my TTC "paraphernalia". We're having family over for a BBQ Sunday and ya know, people are nosey. I myself look in people's showers....not to judge, I don't know why I do it. I see a closed curtain, I want to see what's behind it. Plus it makes me feel better if their shower isn't sparkling clean, cause Lord knows ours isn't. So I moved everything from the top drawer to the bottom drawer, figuring if people are going to snoop it will be in the most accessible drawer. But then again, the bottom drawer is closer for little people....I can just see my niece or nephew come out of the bathroom waving an HPT around,
Ok, decision made, they will be moved out of the bathroom by Sunday. Better safe than sorry. Funny story about bathrooms and my nephew though. He is six now, but a couple years ago they were over and after they left I went to the bathroom and noticed this blue gel kind of gobbed up in the sink drain. Then I noticed the gel "stick thing" inside the toilet bowl was all weird looking. My nephew must have wondered what that blue squishy thing was and decided to check it out, then tried to wash it off his fingers, haha. Goofy kid.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Metformin
So I went to my doc yesterday and got my metformin increased from 1 500mg pill to 2 a day. I'm really hoping this helps with my weightloss and ovulation, and if it helps with weightloss then that in and of itself will help with ovulation also. I'm really praying it doesn't make me sick....I took my first second pill last night and my stomach was upset this morning, but I doubt it would kick in that fast. Besides my stomach has been feeling less than stable the last couple days anyway.
My stupid ovulation scope showed a bunch of ferning this morning. It's very early but I got hopeful, thinking maybe I will actually O this cycle and at this point, nothing would be out of the norm for my body, even Oing on CD10 or before. I hadn't ate or drank anything yet so I tested again and nothing, not even a tiny bit of ferning. Ugh, I really hate that thing sometimes. It's like the scope that cried O. I tested with OPKs twice today and of course the test line barely even registered. I was going to wait until at least CD10 or 12 to start using OPKs but of course my scope bullied me into it. I hate that I have no idea when to use OPKs. When you have no idea when or if you'll O, you hate to start too early and waste an entire shipment, but then again I don't want to miss O. This wouldn't be such a problem if we have a more normal sex life, but lately we've both had the libido of slugs.
So now since I am taking a metformin at night and in the morning, I have to take my prenatal at lunch time because it can cause absorbtion issues if taken too close to the metformin....or is it my thyroid meds? I don't remember, but there is some reason I take it at night, seperate from all my other pills so I'll just keep them seperated (ha, had a little Offspring moment there). So I want to try to start drinking green tea...I've never noticed an overabundance of CM so I figure it can't hurt to up that a little but then I read that it has to be drank hours away from the prenatal because it can interfere with your body's ability to absorb iron....for crying out loud, I have so many schedules of when to take what. But it will all be worth it if it results in getting KU.
I'm going to the doctor today with my husband. He's got a nagging cold that won't go away, but we're also going to inquire about an SA while we're there. I don't know what to expect, are they going to hand him a cup and do it today, will they schedule it for another day? If so, I hope it can be a situation where he can just do his business and deliver the cup to the office. It is impossible for him to get to appointments because his work schedule is so crazy, he is barely making it to this one. I am on vacation next week so that would work out to get it in the early morning and then I could just run it up to the office.
So my provera induced period wasn't very long, but I am happy with it, I was afraid it would only be one real day. I spotted for a day, had two days of medium, one day of light and then one day of barely there spotting. Hopefully it will make an appearance again next month (and if not hopefully it's for a good reason).
My stupid ovulation scope showed a bunch of ferning this morning. It's very early but I got hopeful, thinking maybe I will actually O this cycle and at this point, nothing would be out of the norm for my body, even Oing on CD10 or before. I hadn't ate or drank anything yet so I tested again and nothing, not even a tiny bit of ferning. Ugh, I really hate that thing sometimes. It's like the scope that cried O. I tested with OPKs twice today and of course the test line barely even registered. I was going to wait until at least CD10 or 12 to start using OPKs but of course my scope bullied me into it. I hate that I have no idea when to use OPKs. When you have no idea when or if you'll O, you hate to start too early and waste an entire shipment, but then again I don't want to miss O. This wouldn't be such a problem if we have a more normal sex life, but lately we've both had the libido of slugs.
So now since I am taking a metformin at night and in the morning, I have to take my prenatal at lunch time because it can cause absorbtion issues if taken too close to the metformin....or is it my thyroid meds? I don't remember, but there is some reason I take it at night, seperate from all my other pills so I'll just keep them seperated (ha, had a little Offspring moment there). So I want to try to start drinking green tea...I've never noticed an overabundance of CM so I figure it can't hurt to up that a little but then I read that it has to be drank hours away from the prenatal because it can interfere with your body's ability to absorb iron....for crying out loud, I have so many schedules of when to take what. But it will all be worth it if it results in getting KU.
I'm going to the doctor today with my husband. He's got a nagging cold that won't go away, but we're also going to inquire about an SA while we're there. I don't know what to expect, are they going to hand him a cup and do it today, will they schedule it for another day? If so, I hope it can be a situation where he can just do his business and deliver the cup to the office. It is impossible for him to get to appointments because his work schedule is so crazy, he is barely making it to this one. I am on vacation next week so that would work out to get it in the early morning and then I could just run it up to the office.
So my provera induced period wasn't very long, but I am happy with it, I was afraid it would only be one real day. I spotted for a day, had two days of medium, one day of light and then one day of barely there spotting. Hopefully it will make an appearance again next month (and if not hopefully it's for a good reason).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)