hmmm

Wow, blogging comes in handy.  I think I misplaced the receipt for the FRER rebate, and realized I could go to Target and have them print me a new one since I paid with a card, but I didn't know when that was.  I just read my last entry and I was talking about the rebate which was on June 8th!

So, haven't written in a while but it really doesn't matter since nothing is new on the TTC front.  Last week I had three days in a row of partial ferning on the scope and my OPKs looked like they were getting darker, and then on day 4 no ferning at all and the OPK was quite light again.  I don't think I Od since my temps aren't indicating a shift.  I'm just so irritated, I thought I was maybe getting somewhere.  I have no idea if I have a fade in pattern with my OPKs or not....I've only had one positive ever and that was just out of the blue.  However it did appear to fade out, so I am not sure if that would mean I do indeed have a fade in pattern.

But if I did, you would think since I am not currently Oing my OPKs would be either stark white or very very light....but it's like one day it will be light, the next it's kinda darker, than light again, then darker again.  No descernible pattern so far.  I hate to keep using them since my supply is dwindling, but since I am on CD29 and it's apparent that when and if I O it will be late, I really can't afford not to use them and possibly miss an O. 

I was hoping I could use the scope to detect a looming O, then use OPKs as back up but clearly my scope gives me too many false positives or false partials.  Whether or not it gives false negatives as well, I am not sure. 

So I have been pretty much a mess since my grandma died last week.  Today is the first real day I have felt even close to ok but I am sure it won't last.  She and I were very close, it may sound weird but she was one of my best friends, especially since my mom died.  I'm very sad that I never got to tell her we were TTC or that I was pregnant and miscarried.  In fact she called me the very day I miscarried but I didn't answer, knowing the second I heard her concerned voice (because she could always tell when I wasn't feeling well) I would break down in tears and have to tell her why I was crying.  At this point I wonder why I didn't want anyone to know, but it felt like the right decision at the time.  I guess I thought I would go on to get pregnant again very quickly so I didn't want anyone to know we were TTC. 

But at this point we've decided to tell everyone in about six months if it hasn't happaned by then.  I can't keep doing this without their support and I think it is kind of unfair to keep everyone in the dark.  I guess it would be different if we were younger, we could always just say we're not ready to start a family yet.  But at 33, we're married, mostly financially stable, it's kind of go time.  Everyone is differnt, but I cannot imagine many couples who are in our position, who are ready and want kids and say, I think I'll wait another 5 years.  So everyone must either be thinking A. we don't want kids and we just haven't told anybody or B we're having issues and I am certain all of our immediately family would like to be there for us.

Earlier I worried about unsolicitatd advice, but I think after trying for this long with one miscarriage, I don't think anyone in our close family would try to tell us what we must be doing wrong.  But I regret now not telling my grandma and having her support and have someone to talk to about it.  And I hate that I now have one less person to share the good news with one day, especially considering that she is one of few people that I would be extra excited to tell.

On top of it all, a few weeks ago I was with her vistiing my grandpa in the nursing home.  She mentioned the baby next door and my grandpa in his confused state said, are we getting another baby?  I like babies....grandma said no not yet....hopefully soon though and did a little wink wink nudge nudge kinda thing.  But then, as if she realized this could be taken badly she said but you two will have kids when you're ready, hopefully while we're still around to see them  :(