I know you all are probably sick of hearing my one and done conundrum and whether or not we will have another child. But I was hanging out with my SIL today and we often talk about it, so it's been on my mind a lot today. Yes, I always pictured myself with two kids....in fact at one point in my life I thought I wanted three. So there is that....accepting how reality actually is vs how we thought reality would be.
But I realized today that a lot of my worry and anxiety over it is more due to the fact that maybe I feel like we should have another kid, and not necessarily that we do want another kid. Our society is very anti-only child. Everyone thinks only children are weird, spoiled, or lonely. I admit, I used to think that. But I've been asked when the next one is coming since I was still pregnant with Emily. I was like good Lord people, let me pop this one out before we start thinking of another one.
Society likes babies, they want everyone to have babies and you're weird and selfish if you don't want lots of babies. Or maybe it's because many people felt pressured into having more children than they really wanted, so they want to see others succumb to that same pressure. As I have stated many times, there is a lot to take on if we were to have another child. First, there is the fact that it could take a long time again, which means I am already of AMA and I will just continue to get older and more anxious about my age if it takes a real long time to conceive. Then there is the worry about having another loss, I would need another surgery to have the cerclage put in, there would be the worry again leading up to 22 weeks, the worry that the cerclage may not work this time.
When you're a loss mom, you not only have to experience all of the pain and anxiety over the possibility of losing another child in the same way, but now you have all this new information, stories of how other mom's lost their babies. So you worry about those things too.....cord accidents, placenta abruption, pre-eclampsia, trisomies, etc etc.
No one can prepare for how you'll feel when you're pregnant. I had never been so tired and exhausted and cranky in my life, but now I would have to do it all again, but this time with a toddler to chase around. I would hope to be in better shape if we tried again, but we all know how easily good intentions to lose weight go, so there is always the very high chance that I would have GD again, even if I did lose weight. Then I would have a guaranteed C section because a VBAC isn't even remotely in my plans.
Emily was a great newborn...but newborns are newborns. Even the good ones are a lot of work. Let's say I got another good newborn (which almost never happens), it would still be hard with a toddler as well. And if I had a difficult newborn, I think I would lose my mind. I get sad and sentimental when I see Emily's newborn clothes, but I really don't miss those days. I do miss her snuggles, and napping on me, but she is so much more fun and enjoyable now. But I am not in any rush to go back to the days of being so tired it hurts (cause let's face it, even good newborns still need to eat around the clock and you still have to get up to feed them), feeling disgusting because I have not been able to shower for three days, I was starving all the time because I had no time to eat. I would get Emily fed, and then I would pump, and then she would cry or need a diaper change or something and by the time I did all that it was time to feed her again.
So in many ways, Emily is more than enough for me. I am very happy with just one child here on earth. But there is still something nagging me, poking and prodding me every day saying, come on, don't you want just one more? And I can't help but think it is just from being programmed for all these years with the idea that I would have more than one child. That society wants me to have more than one child. Maybe I don't necessarily want another one, but I just feel like I should want another one.
Yes, there is the concern that Emily will be sad she doesn't have a sibling to play with. But I have an older brother but I still begged my parents for a little sister or brother. Having a sibling didn't stop me from wanting more. People say, well when you are gone, your child will have no one to share the burden of losing you, or taking care of you in your old age. Yes, but having siblings doesn't guarantee that either. My mom died when she was 53, and 8 years later her brother was left to deal with both of their parents dying three weeks apart and handling their burial and their estate. He had a sister, but she died and so he no longer had her to lean on when his parents passed. Some siblings don't even get along, or speak to each other. And even if they get along well, how often do all the siblings share equally in the care of their aging parents? I love my brother and he is a great guy, but I already know I will be the major caregiver for my dad when he needs it down the road.
The truth of the matter is, my dad, my friends, strangers...they can all makes comments about me having another child, but they aren't going to be the ones to have morning sickness if I decide to get pregnant again, or be overwhelmed trying to take care of a newborn and a toddler, or deal with the screaming fights that my kids get into. It's all so easy to give the advice when you're not the one that has to follow through with the action.
And I think some of the pressure I feel about having another kid probably has to do with missing Kayla. I DO have two kids, but one of them is in Heaven, and my heart will forever feel the missing piece in our family. Maybe it is not another child I am longing for, but my child I had, and isn't here. But I will say, despite the struggle I am having with deciding, I am at least thankful I don't have to go through mourning the loss of never having the other sex. Don't get me wrong, before either of our kids were born, I would have been equally as excited about a boy. If we were to have another, it would be nice to have a boy...but another girl would be just fine too. For whatever reason, I do not feel that I will mourn the son I never had, like I would if I only had a boy, and never got to have a daughter.
I joked with my SIL that making the decision is the hard part. I think I could happily be one and done if we just never dealt with it, and just didn't have another kid without actually making the decision not to. She laughed and said, so you just want to age out? Well, yeah.....I'll be 37 in May, and we would likely not start trying until March. Yes, it could happen quickly like it did with Emily, or it could take a year or more like it did with our first two. That would put me at almost 38, and then almost 39 when I deliver. So in my mind, if we don't start trying for another child by say, June, I don't think I would want to after that.
So maybe I can just decide not to decide, and just let myself age out until I am at the point where I definitely do not want to have another child. I said in my last entry that I am going to the doctor in a few weeks to go back on the pill. My original plan was to go back on, and then go off this winter if we decide to try again, but maybe that's the best plan, to just go back on the pill indefinitely, not have a real plan, and then if we find ourselves at an age where I am definitely no longer comfortable having children, then we could take steps to take permanent birth control measures. See, my constant rambling over the same subject is sometimes productive in helping me come up with a plan that I am comfortable with.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Before I was a mom
"Before I Was a Mom ..."
Before I was a Mom...
I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.
Before I was a Mom... I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom... I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.
Before I was a Mom... I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about Immunizations.
Before I was a Mom... I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on or pinched by tiny fingers. I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, and my body. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom... I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom... I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom... I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.
Before I was a Mom... I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.
Before I was a Mom... I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom... I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.
Before I was a Mom... I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about Immunizations.
Before I was a Mom... I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on or pinched by tiny fingers. I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, and my body. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom... I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom... I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom... I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.
Before I was a Mom... I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
I love this, it is all so true. Em and I went to Target today for a few essentials (wine is an essential, right?), and 70 dollars later we came out with said essentials along with a couple new toys, and four new shirts for her. In my defense, the shirts were needed, BUT I generally do most of her shopping for a new season second hand, and she totally didn't need the toy. But she was being really good, and she kept saying mama. How do you not buy a new toy for a sweet little girl saying mama? There is this new Elmo that's like, bigger than her, and when you squeeze his nose he talks and his mouth moves. Her eyes light up when she saw him because she loves Elmo, but then when he started talking to her she was soooo happy. I loved how happy she was, so I wanted to get it for her, but dear God we do not need a 4 foot tall Elmo in our house.
I actually planned to get it for her for Christmas, but by then we will do a toy purge to make room for Christmas toys. So now I needed to find something else for her, and they had this really soft stuffed lamb so that's what she got. She was so cute sitting in the shopping cart, hugging her lamb. I have got to stop that though, I don't want a two year old that whines and cries every time we go out, thinking she gets something every time we go to the store. Although, as a kid I rarely got a toy if it wasn't my birthday or something, but my dad says we still whined, so maybe it doesn't matter.
Earlier today she had something in her mouth and when she wouldn't bring it to me I got up and went after it and she took off down the hallway. Lately she had modified her butt scoot into a butt scoot/crab walk. It's really funny looking, but man she can haul ass. I had to walk really fast to catch up with her. So then I picked her up and tried getting whatever it was out of her mouth and she hugged me really tight. Seventeen months old and she already knows how to manipulate me. Oh no, mommy is trying to take something from me, I know, I'll be really sweet and hug her.
Oh yeah, she turned 17 months last Wednesday. She is 21.8 pounds, and I forgot to measure her height so I will update this when I remember to do it. The last two nights I have had dreams that she took her first steps. Her 18 month doctor appointment is one week after she turns 18 months. I bet she doesn't start walking until like that week before. She is going to be stubborn and run right up to the limit. We went to my best friend's son's birthday party yesterday. Amanda told me ahead of time that she had plenty of push toys for her to play with, so we closed the gate to the yard and let her loose. She had a blast, she was running top speed, pushing this little turtle thing. And with jelly shoes on. I'm telling you, she walks independently when I am not in the room. My MIL and I call her the WB Frog because she won't do stuff when people are around and want to see her do it.
M was opening his presents and Amanda could tell her younger son was a bit bummed that it wasn't his birthday, so she asked M if N could help open then. He sat on the ground to open a big one and said, come here N, help me rip this one open. So sweet, they get along really well, I love how he is such a great big brother. Between that, and seeing this adorable little newborn onesie at Target today, I've been thinking about having another kid. But just the other day, I was on the other end of the spectrum, where I was so certain I felt like I could have gone out right then and there and got some permanent birth control. Gah, I am so tired of yo-yoing between having another, and being done. Is the answer ever just clear of what you want?
Funny story though, I quite often use the talking Google on my phone where you verbally ask it a question. So one day I asked it, how effective is a tubal ligation? Google thought I asked, how effective is it to bowl like Asian.
Last week Emily learned how to climb up on the couch by herself. So now nothing is safe, we had relied on putting remotes and phones on the back of the couch out of her reach, but now they are in reach. It also means I cannot leave her for 5-10 minutes to go throw in laundry or something like I used to, for fear she will get on the couch and fall off. She's already fell off with us right there a few times, and came close to falling several more times. Thank goodness for the jumperoo, aka baby jail. We went outside to walk around the other day, I will only let people walk her with one hand now, since she can do it very well. So we were walking and she was only holding on to my finger when she tripped and face planted. She didn't cry though, just got back up and kept walking. But when she did it the second time she cried, though not much. It's funny, when she doesn't even get hurt she can cry forever, but she face plants on cement or falls off her changing table and she only cries a little. Half an hour I noticed a big bump on her forehead and cement rash. Awww, my poor baby. But I am sure it will be the first of many. I tried to ice it for a bit but she wasn't having any of that, and then I tried to get her to have a bubba snuggling with me so she would hopefully fall asleep with me and I could keep an eye on her after her fall. But when she kept getting down to go torment the cat, I decided she must feel fine.
Bed time is back to tears again lately. I'm not sure why....she's got a new molar coming in, but she is fine during the day so it must just be another phase. I thought for sure tonight's bedtime would be a nightmare since she munched on three slices of watermelon at dinner and then was tearing around the house with her push toy. My brother and SIL were over for dinner and to watch Fear the Walking Dead, so of course she was being extra silly to show off in front of them. About 5 minutes before the show started I put her down and said goodnight. To my amazement, not one tear, and she was asleep within 5 minutes. She must have worn herself out. Oh how I love easy bedtime nights. Now if only my bedtime went that smoothly.
I am on a terrible schedule. I love my alone time after she goes to bed, but the next thing I know it is 1:00 am and I don't want my night to end yet. So I've been going to bed at 2 and 3 in the morning, and then I get up at 8 with her and I have troubles keeping my eyes open while she plays after breakfast. I need to start going to bed earlier, and I need to get in a routine where I can shower within an hour of getting up. Once I am showered, I feel alive and awake. But I am trying to get back on an eating well/work out routine, and I typically do my work out in the morning....so I don't want to shower and then go work out. Erg, being an adult is hard.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Words and more words
Emily and I were at my dad's tonight, he watches her on Monday nights when I play tennis. I went in her room to change her diaper, and as I was looking for a diaper I came across an old size 2 (she is in 4's now). Oh my God, it was so tiny. And that was a 2! I think if I saw a newborn diaper I would pass out from the adorableness. That's when my dad was like well if you think they're so cute you should have another one. Ugh....I was like I don't think I will get another newborn like Emily though, and he said well that's ok. Yeah but I am not sure I can deal with her now, AND a newborn that is not as easy as she was.
Speaking of, I decided to go back on the pill. I said I never wanted to go back, but I think it is right for us for now. I am still undecided on having another baby. Our Disney trip is in February, so I really don't think I would want to try until after that if we decide on another. After Vegas I vowed to never again fly when I was pregnant if I could help it. And who wants to trek all over Disney even one day pregnant, ugh. But I do know I definitely don't want to be pregnant right now, and tracking ovulation as a form of BC just isn't going so well. I am seeing how there are so many oopsie pregnancies when relying on this method only. One month I seem to be on track, and then the next month I am all over the place. So back on BC I go, and hopefully if we do try again this winter, I will be down to my goal weight so I will have less troubles regulating my cycle. Though how I am ever going to get to my goal weight is beyond me. We had Del Taco for dinner tonight. Sigh....Everyday I say I am going to do better, and every day I blow it. I don't know why I can't get my shit together. Before I became a stay at home mom, I thought the house would be spotless, I would be super skinny and I would have dinner on the table every night at 5pm. Psssha, things didn't exactly work out that way.
Speaking of, I applied for a job the other day. I don't know, I am still iffy about it, but if they call for an interview I will at least go and see what it entails. I am bored at home and I miss being on a schedule, but at the same time, I don't want a job, haha. But it is part time, and only 20 or less hours per week. Depending on what the schedule is like, it could be a really good thing to get me out of the house some, get me back on a schedule and then I would enjoy my time home with Em more. We're not used to living on just one income, so a little extra money a month would be nice too.
So we have new developments in the "when the heck are you going to walk" saga. She doesn't love it, but she will now walk holding just one of our hands instead of both. And she just tears the house up with her push toy. She'll be 17 months on Wednesday. This kid really is going to make me a nervous wreck and not walk until right up to 18 months isn't she? But her vocabulary is coming along very nicely. We can now add to the list Baba (grandpa), hi, yay, and bye. She has since said bye several times, and even today she said buh-bye, but the other day when she said it the first time, my stepmom was leaving and she goes bye Emily, and just clear as day Em goes, bye! We were all like whoa! I just love watching her learn new things. Oh, I forgot one, she also says stop. Her dad loves to mess with her, and just bug her (he does the same to me) and she'll often slap his hand away and now she tells him stop, haha. Though today she was saying that during her diaper changes. She is not fond of those.
I realized the other day, for like the first time ever, I am not looking forward to summer ending. I like summer, but I hate really hot days. I hate sweating all the time, and I have no energy. But I'm realizing how much easier it is to get around with kids in the summer. Most days she wears tank tops and shorts, I haven't been bothering with shoes lately since she isn't walking, and I just slip on my flip flops and go. It's easy to get her in her car seat, and then just plop her in a cart when we go shopping. But in the winter I have to put on real socks and shoes and put a coat on, then get her in a coat and hat and gloves and socks and shoes and then try to cram her in her car seat with all that crap on. I think the same elves that steal socks are also going at night and tightening the car seat straps. It makes no sense but during the winter it can be perfectly easy to get her straps buckled, but the very next day, wearing the same coat, it's hard to buckle.
But I got her a cozywoggle for this winter. They are these super cute winter coats that unzip on the sides and down the arms. So when they are in their car seats, you unzip the coat so you can buckle the car seat straps underneath their coat, but still keep the coat on for warmth. Then when you get them out of the car, just zip it back up. I was really pissed off when I first heard about the no puffy coats in car seats thing. I was like oh come on, every parent I know keeps their kids coats on in the car. Plus this is Michigan, there is no way I will be taking her coat on and off at every errand we run. But of course once she was here, her safety took precedence over convenience, and I found these coats online. I am hoping it will fit her for two winters since they are kind of pricey, but that's probably wishful thinking.
Speaking of, I decided to go back on the pill. I said I never wanted to go back, but I think it is right for us for now. I am still undecided on having another baby. Our Disney trip is in February, so I really don't think I would want to try until after that if we decide on another. After Vegas I vowed to never again fly when I was pregnant if I could help it. And who wants to trek all over Disney even one day pregnant, ugh. But I do know I definitely don't want to be pregnant right now, and tracking ovulation as a form of BC just isn't going so well. I am seeing how there are so many oopsie pregnancies when relying on this method only. One month I seem to be on track, and then the next month I am all over the place. So back on BC I go, and hopefully if we do try again this winter, I will be down to my goal weight so I will have less troubles regulating my cycle. Though how I am ever going to get to my goal weight is beyond me. We had Del Taco for dinner tonight. Sigh....Everyday I say I am going to do better, and every day I blow it. I don't know why I can't get my shit together. Before I became a stay at home mom, I thought the house would be spotless, I would be super skinny and I would have dinner on the table every night at 5pm. Psssha, things didn't exactly work out that way.
Speaking of, I applied for a job the other day. I don't know, I am still iffy about it, but if they call for an interview I will at least go and see what it entails. I am bored at home and I miss being on a schedule, but at the same time, I don't want a job, haha. But it is part time, and only 20 or less hours per week. Depending on what the schedule is like, it could be a really good thing to get me out of the house some, get me back on a schedule and then I would enjoy my time home with Em more. We're not used to living on just one income, so a little extra money a month would be nice too.
So we have new developments in the "when the heck are you going to walk" saga. She doesn't love it, but she will now walk holding just one of our hands instead of both. And she just tears the house up with her push toy. She'll be 17 months on Wednesday. This kid really is going to make me a nervous wreck and not walk until right up to 18 months isn't she? But her vocabulary is coming along very nicely. We can now add to the list Baba (grandpa), hi, yay, and bye. She has since said bye several times, and even today she said buh-bye, but the other day when she said it the first time, my stepmom was leaving and she goes bye Emily, and just clear as day Em goes, bye! We were all like whoa! I just love watching her learn new things. Oh, I forgot one, she also says stop. Her dad loves to mess with her, and just bug her (he does the same to me) and she'll often slap his hand away and now she tells him stop, haha. Though today she was saying that during her diaper changes. She is not fond of those.
I realized the other day, for like the first time ever, I am not looking forward to summer ending. I like summer, but I hate really hot days. I hate sweating all the time, and I have no energy. But I'm realizing how much easier it is to get around with kids in the summer. Most days she wears tank tops and shorts, I haven't been bothering with shoes lately since she isn't walking, and I just slip on my flip flops and go. It's easy to get her in her car seat, and then just plop her in a cart when we go shopping. But in the winter I have to put on real socks and shoes and put a coat on, then get her in a coat and hat and gloves and socks and shoes and then try to cram her in her car seat with all that crap on. I think the same elves that steal socks are also going at night and tightening the car seat straps. It makes no sense but during the winter it can be perfectly easy to get her straps buckled, but the very next day, wearing the same coat, it's hard to buckle.
But I got her a cozywoggle for this winter. They are these super cute winter coats that unzip on the sides and down the arms. So when they are in their car seats, you unzip the coat so you can buckle the car seat straps underneath their coat, but still keep the coat on for warmth. Then when you get them out of the car, just zip it back up. I was really pissed off when I first heard about the no puffy coats in car seats thing. I was like oh come on, every parent I know keeps their kids coats on in the car. Plus this is Michigan, there is no way I will be taking her coat on and off at every errand we run. But of course once she was here, her safety took precedence over convenience, and I found these coats online. I am hoping it will fit her for two winters since they are kind of pricey, but that's probably wishful thinking.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
girls/kids weekend
Emily and I had so much fun this weekend. We packed up the car and headed up north to our camper with my best friend and her two boys. I borrowed my dad's SUV because I figured the backseat would be a little bigger to fit a car seat and two boosters. They were packed in like sardines but they all fit. I don't think it would have worked in mine. We left yesterday morning, it's usually about a 3.5 hour drive but since we stopped for lunch and to use the restroom it took a little longer. The kids all did great in the backseat together. M got a little antsy from the long car ride and asked if we were there yet a lot, but I think that is the job of an almost six year old to say that.
Emily had a blast playing on their leap frog, but she tends to throw toys when she is done with them and a few times she threw them and hit N. He is only 3.5 so he doesn't quite understand that she is not doing it to be mean, so there were a few tears, but otherwise all was good. We had lunch at McDonalds and Emily did her part to ensure job security for the nice lady that was sweeping the floor by throwing half her lunch down for her to sweep up.
Once we got to my dad's place we unloaded the car and we checked out the camper. They had never seen it before so they were pretty excited, and M was especially excited about the bunk beds. Unfortunately though, we don't have a ladder for it yet, so he had to sleep on the bottom bunk so he could easily get up to potty. We went to say hi to my dad, had a few snacks and then headed to the beach. When I was there for the 4th, the water was only 64 degrees and along with being shockingly cold, I couldn't get used to it. It was so cold it hurt. But yesterday it was 68 degrees and it was pretty cold at first, but you could quickly grow accustomed to it and then it felt great. I had no idea just a 4 degree difference could feel so different. Maybe their temp readings were off.
The second I put Emily down in the sand she butt scooted off to the water, but decided against it when she felt how cold it was. So all three kids had a blast playing with their sand buckets and shovels, and we got a really cute picture of the three of them sitting together with the setting sun in the background. I took Em out in the water I few times....she enjoyed splashing her feet in it, but once we got out deep enough where she had no choice but to be in the water, she climbed up me like a tree and whined so I took her back in. I went out a couple of times, and went as far as the buoys and came back. I love Lake Michigan, beautiful beach, clear water, and no sharks!
We stayed there for a couple hours, and then we got dried off, changed and then went to dinner at one of our favorite places in town. Amanda used to go up north with me a lot when we were kids, she'd come for summer weekends and snowmobiling in the winter, but we figure she hadn't been up there in about ten years. We ate out on the deck of this restaurant and the kids loved coloring while we waited for food. M started to get antsy toward the end of the meal and I bribed him to stay in his seat with 21 cents. I am so excited that it is still possible to excite kids with a very small amount of money.
After that we headed back....my dad, brother, and my SIL had gone to a cousin's wedding that evening, but they were back by the time we got home. I likely wouldn't have come for the wedding anyway, but it was a good weekend to come since I knew my dad would be there for it. So then we had a campfire and some smores, and then we headed to the camper to get ready for bed. We have a TV in our "bedroom", and we use a portable DVD player to watch movies, but I was having trouble figuring out how to get the TV on the right setting. I took so long that Emily ended up falling asleep in her pack n play. It was way past her bedtime, so I wasn't surprised.
So the four of us all snuggled in my bed and watched some of Monster's Inc. It was pretty late though so about halfway through we called it quits and went to sleep. The bunk beds are pretty roomy so Amanda and the boys were all able to sleep on the bottom bunk and I slept in my bed with Emily in her pack n play just outside my room. Like clockwork she got up at 8, despite going to bed 4 hours past her bedtime. Amanda and the boys were still sleeping so I changed her diaper, got her a bottle and we cuddled in bed and watched more of the movie. She had never seen it and she seemed to recognize Boo since she has the doll.
They got up about an hour later, so then we all went upstairs and my dad made us breakfast. Emily just goes batshit over her push toy, so I brought it with us so she could keep practicing her walking. My dad has ceramic tile and hardwood floor through out so she had a blast running up and down the hallway, kitchen and living room with it. Then the boys would chase her and run around. Yes, the girl that claims to not be able to walk can run with her push toy. I swear, two weeks. Walking independently has got to be just around the corner. She's got a week and a half before she turns 17 months, I say she walks before then. I hope.
So then we got ready and went to visit my grandma. I didn't want to....it sounds bad, but I am not close with my grandma and she doesn't throw me a bone. I try to make conversation with her and she just answers with one word. Doesn't elaborate, doesn't ask me anything. But if I don't visit her, she gives my dad hell and then he bugs me for getting him in trouble. So, we went for our obligatory visit. Luckily my aunt and her two girls were there along with another aunt and my dad's cousin. The boys had fun playing with Playdoh with my cousins. Emily was pretty crabby....I actually thought she was doing wonderful for being off her routine, only napping for an hour the day before, getting to bed four hours late and not having napped yet today. My aunts held her ok, and then my cousin held her and fed her a bottle.
But when it was time to go, I asked if she would give kisses. I am very adamant not to force her. If she wants to give someone a kiss or a hug she can, but if she doesn't, then she doesn't have to. So she did give my aunt and cousin one, so I thought maybe she'd give my grandma one. Nope, she tried to smack her in the face. So I pulled her back and tried again, but again with the smacks. So then my grandma took her hand and slapped it lightly, and then tried holding both of her hands so she wouldn't smack her. Emily got all upset and her little mouth turned down into a frown and she was starting to cry.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think it's ok for her to smack people, and I tell her no and try to redirect, but she is 16 months old. It's a phase. She's too young to understand any punishment and it's the only way she knows how to get someone out of her face if she doesn't want to kiss or hug them. Plus she was all out of sorts and was in dire need of a nap. My grandma is 91, she is old school, and has raised 12 kids, 28 grandkids, 18 great grandkids and also has a great great grandkid. But man, don't slap my kid's hands. I took it because she's old, but I did not like it. Ryan and I do plan to spank her when and if the occasion calls for it as she gets older, and I have slapped her hands a couple times when she's messing with electrical cords, and I would be ok if either of our parents slapped her hand if she's doing something that's bad and dangerous when she's in their care, but that's it.
I was holding Emily so it's not like she had free reign to run around and smack people. She didn't want to give her a kiss, in her 16 month old mind smacking is her only option to get people to back off. Now, sometimes she does smack people as a game, and she giggles. But I could tell by her demeanor she wasn't playing, she just didn't want to give kisses. Ryan says I am over analyzing, my grandma is old, don't read too much into it. But it just bugs me because I don't want her thinking she is a bad kid, or I am a bad mom. As soon as we got into town and I got her in a stroller, she fell fast asleep, so I knew she was just crabby and tired.
So we went to this adorable store called Storytime Village. They have lots of puppets, books, and other kids toys, and they also have a puppet show theater. I was hoping to catch a show but they weren't doing it right then. But M and N had fun just going around the store, playing with the puppets and other various toys. I got Emily a new bucket hat with lady bugs on it. Last time I was there I got her a book about sharks. After that we walked to the ice cream shop, the boys each got a cone and Amanda and I got flurries and we gave Em some of ours. I dread when she is old enough to get her own cone. Sticky mess city. As a kid I always wanted those chocolate dipped cones, but finally my dad banned them because they made such a mess. A few years ago Ryan and I were getting ice cream and I was like, I'm an adult now, I can get one if I want. And you know, it made just as damn big of a mess as they did when I was a kid.
After ice cream we walked back to the car and headed back to my dad's. He made lunch which was corn on the cob and BBQ chicken tenders. It was all so good, and all three kids ate really well. Then we got packed up and got ready to go. When we were just about ready to leave I let M push the buttons to bring the awning and the slide-out back in on the camper, he seemed really excited to do that. I told him I would hire him each year to come close up our camper for the season.
We didn't make any stops on the way home except for a quick potty break, and at one point all three kids were sleeping. Even when they were awake they were pretty engrossed in their games and books. Ryan thought it was silly to be gone for such a short amount of time, but really, it was the boys' first road trip and first time staying there, so I think one night and a day and a half was perfect. Like I told him, Amanda and I can have fun watching paint dry as long as we're together. We talked and laughed and even busted out some of our old 90's boy band CDs to sing along with....this was our first trip together again since we both got married and had kids, so it was soooo much fun to be like old times together.
Emily had a blast playing on their leap frog, but she tends to throw toys when she is done with them and a few times she threw them and hit N. He is only 3.5 so he doesn't quite understand that she is not doing it to be mean, so there were a few tears, but otherwise all was good. We had lunch at McDonalds and Emily did her part to ensure job security for the nice lady that was sweeping the floor by throwing half her lunch down for her to sweep up.
Once we got to my dad's place we unloaded the car and we checked out the camper. They had never seen it before so they were pretty excited, and M was especially excited about the bunk beds. Unfortunately though, we don't have a ladder for it yet, so he had to sleep on the bottom bunk so he could easily get up to potty. We went to say hi to my dad, had a few snacks and then headed to the beach. When I was there for the 4th, the water was only 64 degrees and along with being shockingly cold, I couldn't get used to it. It was so cold it hurt. But yesterday it was 68 degrees and it was pretty cold at first, but you could quickly grow accustomed to it and then it felt great. I had no idea just a 4 degree difference could feel so different. Maybe their temp readings were off.
The second I put Emily down in the sand she butt scooted off to the water, but decided against it when she felt how cold it was. So all three kids had a blast playing with their sand buckets and shovels, and we got a really cute picture of the three of them sitting together with the setting sun in the background. I took Em out in the water I few times....she enjoyed splashing her feet in it, but once we got out deep enough where she had no choice but to be in the water, she climbed up me like a tree and whined so I took her back in. I went out a couple of times, and went as far as the buoys and came back. I love Lake Michigan, beautiful beach, clear water, and no sharks!
We stayed there for a couple hours, and then we got dried off, changed and then went to dinner at one of our favorite places in town. Amanda used to go up north with me a lot when we were kids, she'd come for summer weekends and snowmobiling in the winter, but we figure she hadn't been up there in about ten years. We ate out on the deck of this restaurant and the kids loved coloring while we waited for food. M started to get antsy toward the end of the meal and I bribed him to stay in his seat with 21 cents. I am so excited that it is still possible to excite kids with a very small amount of money.
After that we headed back....my dad, brother, and my SIL had gone to a cousin's wedding that evening, but they were back by the time we got home. I likely wouldn't have come for the wedding anyway, but it was a good weekend to come since I knew my dad would be there for it. So then we had a campfire and some smores, and then we headed to the camper to get ready for bed. We have a TV in our "bedroom", and we use a portable DVD player to watch movies, but I was having trouble figuring out how to get the TV on the right setting. I took so long that Emily ended up falling asleep in her pack n play. It was way past her bedtime, so I wasn't surprised.
So the four of us all snuggled in my bed and watched some of Monster's Inc. It was pretty late though so about halfway through we called it quits and went to sleep. The bunk beds are pretty roomy so Amanda and the boys were all able to sleep on the bottom bunk and I slept in my bed with Emily in her pack n play just outside my room. Like clockwork she got up at 8, despite going to bed 4 hours past her bedtime. Amanda and the boys were still sleeping so I changed her diaper, got her a bottle and we cuddled in bed and watched more of the movie. She had never seen it and she seemed to recognize Boo since she has the doll.
They got up about an hour later, so then we all went upstairs and my dad made us breakfast. Emily just goes batshit over her push toy, so I brought it with us so she could keep practicing her walking. My dad has ceramic tile and hardwood floor through out so she had a blast running up and down the hallway, kitchen and living room with it. Then the boys would chase her and run around. Yes, the girl that claims to not be able to walk can run with her push toy. I swear, two weeks. Walking independently has got to be just around the corner. She's got a week and a half before she turns 17 months, I say she walks before then. I hope.
So then we got ready and went to visit my grandma. I didn't want to....it sounds bad, but I am not close with my grandma and she doesn't throw me a bone. I try to make conversation with her and she just answers with one word. Doesn't elaborate, doesn't ask me anything. But if I don't visit her, she gives my dad hell and then he bugs me for getting him in trouble. So, we went for our obligatory visit. Luckily my aunt and her two girls were there along with another aunt and my dad's cousin. The boys had fun playing with Playdoh with my cousins. Emily was pretty crabby....I actually thought she was doing wonderful for being off her routine, only napping for an hour the day before, getting to bed four hours late and not having napped yet today. My aunts held her ok, and then my cousin held her and fed her a bottle.
But when it was time to go, I asked if she would give kisses. I am very adamant not to force her. If she wants to give someone a kiss or a hug she can, but if she doesn't, then she doesn't have to. So she did give my aunt and cousin one, so I thought maybe she'd give my grandma one. Nope, she tried to smack her in the face. So I pulled her back and tried again, but again with the smacks. So then my grandma took her hand and slapped it lightly, and then tried holding both of her hands so she wouldn't smack her. Emily got all upset and her little mouth turned down into a frown and she was starting to cry.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think it's ok for her to smack people, and I tell her no and try to redirect, but she is 16 months old. It's a phase. She's too young to understand any punishment and it's the only way she knows how to get someone out of her face if she doesn't want to kiss or hug them. Plus she was all out of sorts and was in dire need of a nap. My grandma is 91, she is old school, and has raised 12 kids, 28 grandkids, 18 great grandkids and also has a great great grandkid. But man, don't slap my kid's hands. I took it because she's old, but I did not like it. Ryan and I do plan to spank her when and if the occasion calls for it as she gets older, and I have slapped her hands a couple times when she's messing with electrical cords, and I would be ok if either of our parents slapped her hand if she's doing something that's bad and dangerous when she's in their care, but that's it.
I was holding Emily so it's not like she had free reign to run around and smack people. She didn't want to give her a kiss, in her 16 month old mind smacking is her only option to get people to back off. Now, sometimes she does smack people as a game, and she giggles. But I could tell by her demeanor she wasn't playing, she just didn't want to give kisses. Ryan says I am over analyzing, my grandma is old, don't read too much into it. But it just bugs me because I don't want her thinking she is a bad kid, or I am a bad mom. As soon as we got into town and I got her in a stroller, she fell fast asleep, so I knew she was just crabby and tired.
So we went to this adorable store called Storytime Village. They have lots of puppets, books, and other kids toys, and they also have a puppet show theater. I was hoping to catch a show but they weren't doing it right then. But M and N had fun just going around the store, playing with the puppets and other various toys. I got Emily a new bucket hat with lady bugs on it. Last time I was there I got her a book about sharks. After that we walked to the ice cream shop, the boys each got a cone and Amanda and I got flurries and we gave Em some of ours. I dread when she is old enough to get her own cone. Sticky mess city. As a kid I always wanted those chocolate dipped cones, but finally my dad banned them because they made such a mess. A few years ago Ryan and I were getting ice cream and I was like, I'm an adult now, I can get one if I want. And you know, it made just as damn big of a mess as they did when I was a kid.
After ice cream we walked back to the car and headed back to my dad's. He made lunch which was corn on the cob and BBQ chicken tenders. It was all so good, and all three kids ate really well. Then we got packed up and got ready to go. When we were just about ready to leave I let M push the buttons to bring the awning and the slide-out back in on the camper, he seemed really excited to do that. I told him I would hire him each year to come close up our camper for the season.
We didn't make any stops on the way home except for a quick potty break, and at one point all three kids were sleeping. Even when they were awake they were pretty engrossed in their games and books. Ryan thought it was silly to be gone for such a short amount of time, but really, it was the boys' first road trip and first time staying there, so I think one night and a day and a half was perfect. Like I told him, Amanda and I can have fun watching paint dry as long as we're together. We talked and laughed and even busted out some of our old 90's boy band CDs to sing along with....this was our first trip together again since we both got married and had kids, so it was soooo much fun to be like old times together.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Two things
One, my kid can walk. She just won't. Lately she's become enamored with her Vtech push toy. Last week she could walk well with it, but once she ran into a wall she was stuck. But now this week she can turn it around, back up with it, there is just no stopping her. She loves to walk with people. If she's on your lap, she'll grab your fingers and slide off and go walking. My dad and brother do this with her all the time. I will not, because I do not have all day long to walk her around, especially when I know she can do it on her own if she would just try. My brother is the worst, he will walk her all day long if she wants him to. I said her motto when she gets older is going to be "Uncle Joe won't say no". My dad walked her for a little bit the other day but then had to stop because his back was hurting. If looks could kill, he would have dropped dead. She was so mad at him.
Two, after we lost Kayla, it was hard for me to see certain babies. Close friends and family were fine, but more distant relatives and strangers were hard. I wondered why they got what they wanted and I didn't. Since Emily was born, that anxiety has lifted greatly. Seeing other people's kids are no longer a trigger for me since I have one of my own in my arms, in addition to the one in my heart. But I was on Facebook the other day, and my husband liked someone's status, a friend of his that I am not friends with, so I saw this guy's post when I ordinarily wouldn't have. It was a picture of his son, and the caption read, "look what this 22 month old can do". I felt the punch in the gut before I made the connection in my head.
This was the guy that said his wife was pregnant and due in August, when we announced our pregnancy with Kayla. And here he is, almost two years old, and Kayla should have been two a few weeks ago, but she isn't here. I don't know, just something about seeing this baby that was on his way around the same time that Kayla was, but he survived and is now a giggling toddler, it was just hard. Being over two years out from our loss, it is easier. I can breathe now, I can make it through days and weeks without crying, but in some ways, these out of the blue triggers are almost harder, because you're not expecting them, you're not prepared for them. They hit you with no warning, and affect you in a way that contradicts how well you've been feeling lately. I just miss my girl.
Two, after we lost Kayla, it was hard for me to see certain babies. Close friends and family were fine, but more distant relatives and strangers were hard. I wondered why they got what they wanted and I didn't. Since Emily was born, that anxiety has lifted greatly. Seeing other people's kids are no longer a trigger for me since I have one of my own in my arms, in addition to the one in my heart. But I was on Facebook the other day, and my husband liked someone's status, a friend of his that I am not friends with, so I saw this guy's post when I ordinarily wouldn't have. It was a picture of his son, and the caption read, "look what this 22 month old can do". I felt the punch in the gut before I made the connection in my head.
This was the guy that said his wife was pregnant and due in August, when we announced our pregnancy with Kayla. And here he is, almost two years old, and Kayla should have been two a few weeks ago, but she isn't here. I don't know, just something about seeing this baby that was on his way around the same time that Kayla was, but he survived and is now a giggling toddler, it was just hard. Being over two years out from our loss, it is easier. I can breathe now, I can make it through days and weeks without crying, but in some ways, these out of the blue triggers are almost harder, because you're not expecting them, you're not prepared for them. They hit you with no warning, and affect you in a way that contradicts how well you've been feeling lately. I just miss my girl.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
New discoveries
My sweet baby is just trucking along, seemingly doing something new every few days. It is so much fun to watch her discover things. I'm just amazed how before my eyes she has transformed from this helpless baby, to this little tiny human who can now recognize her favorite characters, problem solve to do something she wants done, and use words correctly with her own personality. And boy does she have a personality.
So lately I think I've said she's been taking a few independent steps to lunge from one part of the couch to the other. Well in the last couple days she has become quite fond of her Vtech sit/stand push toy. She's been able to walk and push it for a while now, but it started as only doing it when we held on to it and pushed it with her. We'd try to stand her in front of it and push it on her own but she wasn't having it, but now she'll go right to it, stand with no problem whatsoever and push it around the room. She does have a hard time getting unstuck when she pushes herself into a corner, but she's doing so well walking with it. I am almost 100% certain she doesn't need anything to hold on to. I just wish she were as confident.
Just in the last couple days she's added a few words to her vocabulary, among them is baby, bubba (bottle) and nana (banana). We went with my inlaws to cheer my husband on at his 5K tonight, and I packed some bananas for her to munch on. When we got home we still had one left and she grabbed it and yelled out nana nana nana. I was amazed. She says words a lot, sometimes they are in the right context, sometimes not, but never has the context been so clearly correct as this was.
She's also been very cuddly which I just adore. Tonight in the bath once I got done washing her I was going to just let her play for a bit but she stood up and whined a bunch, threw her arms around my neck and begged to be picked up. Quite often when I try to put her down in the living room she won't let go and whines for me to keep holding her. Sometimes it can be frustrating when I have to get things done, but I have to say, mostly I do not mind holding on to her for as long as she lets me. I love to snuggle with her. I am hoping napping with me will be in the near future once again. She hasn't napped with me since she was about 10 months old. Well, correction, a couple weeks ago she cut her finger on some glass and she was unusually snuggly and needed extra comfort that day. I was really tired so I laid down on the couch with her and she laid her head on my chest. She'd pick her head up and look around every few minutes before laying back down, and when she had her head on me I couldn't see her face. I ended up dozing off for a bit so I am not sure if she slept too and for how long, but the snuggles were nice either way. Often when my husband is holding her and she gets upset, she'll hold her arms out to me. I feel bad, but I love it. Besides, once she's a teenager she will hate me and worship him, so I get the love now.
I just hope she starts walking before the summer is over so I can take her to a splash pad. I hope to be swimsuit ready next summer so I can take her to the city pool I worked at when I was 16. I haven't been back there since whenever my last day that I worked there was, so it will be fun to go and take her. My mom used to take me when I was a little girl. It will be really fun when she gets older to take her on a tour of all the places I have lived and worked over the years. My mom was very traditional, never worked again once she was married and went from her father's house to her husband's house, so it will be fun to show my daughter how independent her mama was and hopefully she'll follow in my footsteps.
I kept seeing this wall art that I loved for a baby girl's nursery, and seeing as how we are trying to trim our spending down, and I love pinterest I decided to make it. It says "Let her sleep, for when she wakes she will move mountains". I love it and it is so true. I hope my baby girl moves all the mountains she sets out to conquer.
So lately I think I've said she's been taking a few independent steps to lunge from one part of the couch to the other. Well in the last couple days she has become quite fond of her Vtech sit/stand push toy. She's been able to walk and push it for a while now, but it started as only doing it when we held on to it and pushed it with her. We'd try to stand her in front of it and push it on her own but she wasn't having it, but now she'll go right to it, stand with no problem whatsoever and push it around the room. She does have a hard time getting unstuck when she pushes herself into a corner, but she's doing so well walking with it. I am almost 100% certain she doesn't need anything to hold on to. I just wish she were as confident.
Just in the last couple days she's added a few words to her vocabulary, among them is baby, bubba (bottle) and nana (banana). We went with my inlaws to cheer my husband on at his 5K tonight, and I packed some bananas for her to munch on. When we got home we still had one left and she grabbed it and yelled out nana nana nana. I was amazed. She says words a lot, sometimes they are in the right context, sometimes not, but never has the context been so clearly correct as this was.
She's also been very cuddly which I just adore. Tonight in the bath once I got done washing her I was going to just let her play for a bit but she stood up and whined a bunch, threw her arms around my neck and begged to be picked up. Quite often when I try to put her down in the living room she won't let go and whines for me to keep holding her. Sometimes it can be frustrating when I have to get things done, but I have to say, mostly I do not mind holding on to her for as long as she lets me. I love to snuggle with her. I am hoping napping with me will be in the near future once again. She hasn't napped with me since she was about 10 months old. Well, correction, a couple weeks ago she cut her finger on some glass and she was unusually snuggly and needed extra comfort that day. I was really tired so I laid down on the couch with her and she laid her head on my chest. She'd pick her head up and look around every few minutes before laying back down, and when she had her head on me I couldn't see her face. I ended up dozing off for a bit so I am not sure if she slept too and for how long, but the snuggles were nice either way. Often when my husband is holding her and she gets upset, she'll hold her arms out to me. I feel bad, but I love it. Besides, once she's a teenager she will hate me and worship him, so I get the love now.
I just hope she starts walking before the summer is over so I can take her to a splash pad. I hope to be swimsuit ready next summer so I can take her to the city pool I worked at when I was 16. I haven't been back there since whenever my last day that I worked there was, so it will be fun to go and take her. My mom used to take me when I was a little girl. It will be really fun when she gets older to take her on a tour of all the places I have lived and worked over the years. My mom was very traditional, never worked again once she was married and went from her father's house to her husband's house, so it will be fun to show my daughter how independent her mama was and hopefully she'll follow in my footsteps.
I kept seeing this wall art that I loved for a baby girl's nursery, and seeing as how we are trying to trim our spending down, and I love pinterest I decided to make it. It says "Let her sleep, for when she wakes she will move mountains". I love it and it is so true. I hope my baby girl moves all the mountains she sets out to conquer.
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