Another year

I woke up this morning feeling ok.  It hadn't quite dawned on me yet that it's NYE.  Despite having a good year, and looking forward to another good year, NYE has always been a little sad for me.  It always seems that no matter how good the year was, there is something I am letting go of that I don't want to.  Even though in reality, tomorrow is just another day, in my mind a big heavy concrete door comes crashing down, closing off the end of the year from future time.  If I lost something two months ago, it feels even more significant to leave it behind and move on to the new year.

My friend posted an old facebook update, the NYE before she lost her baby, which would be just a month before we lost Kayla.  There is just something so heartbreaking about reading something from the past, that was so full of joy and hope, and knowing that it didn't turn out that way.  Three years ago I was pregnant with Kayla, looking forward to the year turning to 2013, the year I would finally have my baby and become a mom.  I'm so brokenhearted for mine and her past self, because we were all smiles, when little did we know, what awaited us.

Two years ago I posted a quote that said something like, as we start the new year, I shouldn't look at it as more time since I've seen you, but coming closer to the time when I will see you again.  I like that quote, but it's easier said than done.  It's been 2 years, 9 months, and 5 days since I last held Kayla.  I hope to be on this earth for another 40-45 years or so.  That's a long time to wait to see her again, so it definitely does feel like we're moving further and further from her, instead of toward her.  And thinking of seeing her again just tears my heart in two, because seeing my angel in heaven means leaving my angel on earth.

I wondered if I was alone in my mixed feelings of today.  Was I the only weird one who felt the weight of that huge door crashing down on 2015, and putting another year between me and my baby?  So I scoured pinterest and Still Standing magazine, but couldn't find any quotes that worked.  Then I read a post from Angela Miller, and as always, she did not dissapoint.  I changed the sex of the baby to fit my life, but here is her poem, which perfectly reflects how I feel about the new year.

A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.

But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.

Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes,
hours,
days,
months,
years,
without you.

Another year
of battling the heartless
cliches thrown my way.

Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,

Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest daughter
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .

E's second Christmas

Christmas was nice, but not exactly what I was expecting.  Em wasn't really herself for a few days, I think she was pretty tired and overwhelmed by everything.  I was thinking she would be really into opening her presents, but after the first couple she kind of couldn't care less.  She likes her toys, but she went from her old toys, to boom, like 50 new toys in two days.

Ok, not that many, but that's what my living room looks like.  I am normally very happy to leave our tree up until at least New Year's Day and sometimes even later.  But Em is going to her aunt's house for the day on Wednesday, so if I get time, I might send it packing.  I am anxious to get the tree out so I can rearrange our furniture and see if I can make more room for her stuff.  Ha, I remember when all her toys fit in a little basket.  

I got her all dressed up on Christmas eve, the standard little girl christmas dress, white tights and black dressy shoes.  She was so adorable, but she never stood still long enough to really get a good picture.  She and I met my dad for church.  At first she just sat there, looking around, but once the music and singing started, so did the tears.  It seemed to scare her/make her sad.  Her lower lip jutted out and then came the tears.  She cried a few times off and on, but I held her for the entire service so she was mostly ok.  Just had no idea what was going on.

She hadn't been to church since last Christmas, and before that her Baptism.  I'd like to start going more regular, but my husband isn't such a fan.  But I do want her to grow up in the church, so by the time she is ready for Sunday school, he better be too.  Christmas eve we went to my brother's, Christmas morning we had our own little Christmas and then in the afternoon we went to my inlaws.  Em got a lot of great presents....lots of clothes and jammies, that elephant that blows the balls out of his trunk, a Sheriff Callie doll that talks and sings, a big hugs Elmo, lots of books, a wooden train set, some bath toys, and a beautiful Minnie Mouse dress she can wear to meet Minnie when we go to Disney.

Tonight was officially her last bubba.  Tomorrow I am washing them all and packing them away.  It made me really sad, tucking her in and seeing her drinking her last one.  I think it's going to be way harder on me.  It's like the line between being a baby and a big girl.  My baby isn't a baby anymore.  But it's looong overdue, she should have ditched them around one year.  I think if we have another I will aim for one year, but 15 months at the latest.  I'm praying bedtime goes ok without it.  I know she'll do good with her naps since she's already taken several naps without one, but bedtime is my biggest worry.

Luckily she is kind of out of sight out of mind with her stuff.  She weaned herself off her paci when she was like 10 months old.  If she finds one in her toy box she'll pop it in and walk around with it for a bit, but otherwise she doesn't really care.  Since she was old enough to start sleeping with a stuffed animal, she sleeps with Kayla Bear.  In the last few months she has started reaching through the bars and pulls her out in the mornings to carry her around the house, and sometimes brings her with us when we go places.  I was worried about her becoming like a wubbie and she has to have her all the time.  But she probably only brings her like 5% of the time, and she is usually fine without her.

Today she threw her between the wall and the changing table right before nap, and I didn't feel like fishing her out, so she slept with her little Minnie doll.  She went to sleep just fine.  So she likes things that bring her comfort, but she is fine without them too.  So I think once bubbas dissapear, she won't ask for one.  She gets excited when she sees one, but she never asks for one.  So yeah, delaying the bubba departure this long was definitely for my benefit, not hers.

Tonight she woke up crying an hour after I put her down, so I went in and tried to rock her but she just wanted to play.  Daddy was in the living room eating a late dinner and we had Despicable Me on TV, so I let her get up and play until the movie ended.  I just love to sit and watch her, running around the house in her little footy jams, hearing her diaper crackle as she moves.  Seeing her hair start to curl up at the bottoms.....ugh, I wish I could just freeze time and keep her this age forever.  She's still snuggly and oh so cute, but she's somewhat independent too.  The perfect age.

But then again, I've been saying "this is my favorite stage so far" for the last 648 days of her life, so more than likely, whatever age she is, will be my favorite age.

Christmas eve (eve) box

Tonight Emily opened her Christmas eve box.  We do it on eve eve since we have plans with family tomorrow night.  Her face lit up when she saw the package, and she did really well tearing the wrapping paper off.  She got all excited when she saw her Minnie Mouse PJ's, she exclaimed Minnie!  So I let her choose which ones she wanted to wear since she got two pair, and then she took out the movie theater candy and had fun shaking it.  Then I showed her the movie she got, which was Aladdin.

So we ordered pizza, ate dinner and all watched the movie together.  She liked it, but she was up and about a lot.  I guess I should have gotten her Enchanted.  She'll sit and watch that from start to finish, despite seeing it at least half a dozen times so far.  A very nice night.

Then I had to go and open an article on FB about a woman who contacted Delta airlines about bringing her pumped milk home on her flight (she pumped for 2.5 weeks while away on business), she did exactly what she was told and then told at the airport that she couldn't check it.  I'm trying, I am really really trying to A. not read articles that I know are going to raise my blood pressure, and B. not read the comment section that will make it go through the roof.

Tonight I was not successful.  I am not sure which is more terrifying; the amount of people that clearly did not read the article and then make some ignorant comment, the people that comment on breastfeeding that do not know how it works, or the people who seem angry that nursing mothers exist.

The first people, there is no excuse, it's just laziness and they want to hear themselves speak.  But if you don't understand how nursing works, please don't make comments about how the mother should have just not pumped for that entire time (ahhhh, it was 18 days) or ask why she needs to carry it in a cooler when she has natural milk holders.  This one man asked, hopefully joking, why she needed to pump when her natural milk holders have temperature and volume control.  I told him to make sure to turn down the volume control on his penis the next time he has to pee so he can go a little later.

In their defense, I know many men (and women) don't understand.  My husband didn't understand why I needed to pump at work when I went back.  But he also doesn't get on social media and try to tell people what they should do in regard to a body function that he A. does not have and B. does not understand.  Then there are the woman/mother/nursing haters.  Ok, I get it, the media shoves nursing down our throats.  They make the non-issue of nursing in public into a big deal because it is not a good day in the media unless a bunch of people are arguing and being hateful to one another over an issue.  I am also not a breatfeeding pusher either.  I think it's great that women can nurse, but some cannot (me), and some choose not to (possibly me if we have another).  I care that a baby gets fed, no matter how it happens.  But if a woman does chose to nurse, I absolutely think she has the right to do so, and be allowed the rights she is given to make that happen.

This woman was not seeking special treatment.  She did not demand that she be able to check a cooler full of a substance that isn't allowed on the plane.  Breast milk is allowed on planes, she was proactive by making the phone call, finding out how to check it, in what quantities and using what procedures, and then she was told the complete opposite when she arrived at the airport.  Had this been a diabetic bringing their testing supplies and insulin on board, people would have been outraged.  If this had been a person bringing their oxygen tank on board, people would have been angry if they were told they couldn't.  But this woman, who was just trying to keep her supply up and bring home a stash of milk for her baby, who no doubt likely needed it as she probably went through whatever stash was saved while mom was gone, just wanted to get home to her family and not waste countless hours of pumping.  She took the correct steps, and she was then told they were wrong by employees who clearly did not have the proper training.  Take away the fact that she is a nursing mother, and focus on the fact that she was a customer who was given wrong information that negatively impacted her experience on a flight where she was a paying customer.  How is that wrong to complain?  And everyone knows, if you want something done these days, it has to go on social media for the company to give a damn.

Back when Buy Buy Baby screwed me by not correctly handling my registry after Kayla passed, I complained to two different avenues of customer service.  I received nothing but rude attitudes and the run around, and they basically said it wasn't their fault.  But when my SIL posted my complaint on social media, they jumped on it, and kissed our butts to make it right.  Gee, I wonder why this woman's story went viral.

We are flying in a few months, and it will be my first time flying with a kid.  I am terrified, not only because flying can be stressful in and of itself (plus my husband is a nervous wreck on flights), but I am nervous about keeping my daughter happy, not angering the other passengers if she cries, and getting there on time and getting everything checked and carried on correctly.  I will spend a lot of time researching our airlines' rules about what to do with strollers, car seats, and how to bring milk (cows milk) on board, so I would be livid if I did all that, and then was told we could not bring her stroller, or car seat on for whatever reason.

So, I leave you all for tonight with this....this is how I feel when people talk out of their ass about breastfeeding, or get all angry and bitter because a mom is trying to feed her child.

Personality

Em has always had a rather distinct personality.  From the moment her personality began to show, she has been a funny, headstrong, determined little girl.  And I cannot explain how she is different in this past month or two, but it's like her personality has ramped up from a 3.5 out of 5, to a 6 out of 5.  She's saying more words than ever, she's speaking a lot more clear, and she just does such funny stuff.

The other night she was playing on the floor, so I laid down on the floor on my stomach to stretch my back.  She saw me and said horsie, and proceeding to sit on me and use my shirt as reigns.  Tonight she was at my dad's and my step sister has this fairly decent sized stuffed animal horse.  It was in the middle of her bed, and Emily somehow climbed up and got it and came walking out in the living room with it, all smiles.

For the rest of the day she scooted around on the floor, riding the horsie.  We have to be careful about leaving empty pop cans around, she'll take the tab off and put it in her mouth.  So she got a hold of a can the other day and my husband was coming in the room, so I said go take that to daddy.  So she walked over to him, acted like she was taking a big sip and then she goes, ahhhhh!  She just cracks me up all the time.

She's been saying mama and dada for like a year now, but always just kind of babbled it for no particular reason.  A couple months ago she would say dada if she saw his sweatshirt, or his work badge or something.  Then one day she saw an old picture of me on my time hop app and she said mama!  It's like ever since then she knowingly calls us mama and dada, and when we are not in the room she calls for us.  She says hi when you walk in the room now, if she gets hurt and you ask her if she is ok, she'll say yeah, but in a little pouty voice, like she's not, but she says she's ok.  She's not stringing any words together really yet, except her favorite, stop it.  But it's like her speech has gone from just repeating words, to actually understanding what people are saying and responding in a way that reflects that.  It's just very cool.

Most days I can get her to repeat almost all the alphabet letters as I say them, and I swear sometimes she fills in the next one before I can get to it, like I'll say L and she'll say M.  It's happened enough times that it cannot be a coincidence.  Tonight my stepmom was counting to 10 and she said 8, and Emmy goes 9!  I have no clue how she knew that.  We've barely even worked on numbers much because we're working on letters.  My dad is completely convinced she is the world's next mega genius.

Well I'm off to wrap the last few presents.  I'm so excited for Christmas this year.  I love that she was a little older for her first Christmas last year (8 months) so she kind of got into it, but this year is going to be so much fun watching her open presents and see her gifts.  It's so true, as a kid you think nothing is better than Christmas, but then you realize watching your own kids love Christmas is even better.

Candlelight vigil and Christmas lights

Tonight was the candle light vigil at Kayla's cemetery that the hospital puts on every year.  We have gone for the last two, and left Emmy with a sitter.  This year we were going to take her, as there are lots of other kids there.  But she would still be pretty young, and probably talking and maybe throwing a fit about standing still for too long.  Besides it was really cold out tonight, she wouldn't have made it the full hour.

So instead we went a little early and took the small Christmas tree my dad put together for Kayla.  My inlaws got her a grave blanket too, so she has a nicely decorated grave.  So we put some ornaments on the tree, and I got some battery operated candles in pretty Christmas glass cups to leave at her grave.  That way during the vigil, our girl's grave would have candles too.  So then we took Emily to see the light fest.  It's like 5 miles of Christmas lights with different scenes.  It was the first time taking her, she seemed to like it, she kept looking at either side of the road, making sure she got to see them all.

Just for tonight we turned her car seat around so she could see the lights, instead of seeing them all backwards as we passed.  But she'll go back to rear-facing tomorrow.  I think she enjoyed her view.  After the lights we picked up dinner and went home and ate.  We were just getting home at the time when the vigil would have been starting.  So I am glad we went with this plan this year, it's hard to have a 20 month old (21 on Saturday!) out late in the cold and dark.  I think maybe when she is 4 or 5 she can start going to the vigil.  When she can understand that she needs to stand there and be quiet.

Not that it's horrible for her to make noise, but I just don't think any of us would enjoy it as much if she didn't want to stand still and be quiet.  Plus, she still looks a bit like a baby, and I would hate to upset any parents who are very new in their grief.  It was a nice night.  We're starting a bunch of our own family traditions that we can do every year.  Like when we got our Christmas tree, we went after dark (because I think the old school lots look cool at night, with those old fashioned string lights around the lot) and then went out to dinner after ward.  It's so much fun to remember my own family traditions as a kid, and I love starting new ones and making memories for Em.  I can't wait for her to open her Christmas Eve box next week.

She's getting some Minnie Mouse pajamas, some movie theater candy (she actually gets candy this year) and the movie Aladdin.  So we'll order pizza, eat our candy and watch the movie as a family.  As she gets older I am excited to start doing little surprise fun things for her....like announcing a family movie night in our bed.  I want to kind of keep our room off limits to the kids.  I mean, I am sure there are nights she will sleep with us after a nightmare and stuff, but I'd rather she not play in there and stuff.  So I think it would be fun to once in a while all climb in our bed and watch a movie together.

My baby fever hasn't gone away really.  I think it might be for real.  I haven't even much thought lately about the scariness of another pregnancy, and even am not super scared about the idea of a new baby and toddler.  Though that might be for one of two reasons.  Emily is getting more independent, she doesn't need us to do every single thing for her anymore, and she can easily understand what we tell her and do simple things we ask of her.  At the earliest, a new baby would come in November when Em is a few months shy of turning 3.  It seems a lot more manageable to think of a new baby, when my older child isn't so much of a baby herself anymore.  OR...I am just blocking out how much work a newborn is and how hellish it could be to have a newborn and a toddler.

But Em loves animals and babies, I think she could be a really good big sister.  I have a framed picture of her as a newborn in her room, and tonight she kept pointing at it saying baby, baby.  When I finish this pack of pills, I'm considering going off of them.  I guess I figure, if baby #3 is a possibility, I should go off them soon and let my body start to regulate.  Plus, for some reason this time I am really annoyed with taking them.  My alarm goes off at 9pm and I'm like ugh, I don't feel like getting up to take them.  And they're giving me cramps and break through bleeding like every other week.  No fun.  I've said I wouldn't even think about trying until after Disney, because how miserable does that sound to be walking all over Disney all week when you're pregnant and exhausted.  But who knows, maybe we'll try for a Magical Kingdom baby while we're there.  What a cool story some day to ick our kid out with.  Hey guess what, you were conceived in the happiest place on earth!

Speaking of, I always get a chuckle out of how happy and upbeat the customer service reps are when you call them.  I've overheard my MIL talk to like half a dozen and they are all so pleasant and cheerful.  It doesn't even sound fake and forced like most companies.  When the phone call is finished they tell you to have a magical day!!  I just wonder if every 30 minutes or so they have to go in the break room and kick some puppies or steal ice cream from children or something, before having to go back to being so jolly and happy on the phone.

Santa

My husband and I took Emily to see Santa today.  As I predicted, she wanted nothing to do with him this year.  Last year she was just kind of mesmerized by him, she sat on his lap looking at him like, I just don't know what to make of him.  This year, the second we got close she clung to me like a baby orangutan and Santa said I would have to sit next to him with her.  It's nice that he apparently doesn't believe in making a scared child sit on his lap, but man, I didn't want my fat ass in the picture.

Speaking of, last week I did ok with my diet, but could have done much better, didn't exercise at all and I lost 2.5 pounds.  This week I thought I did about the same with my diet, or even a little better, I went for a mile and a half walk three days this week (four counting today) and I GAINED 3.5 pounds.  WTF?  I know the scale isn't always a clear picture of what is going on, I could have eaten something yesterday that caused me to retain water, I could be at a point in the cycle where I am heavier, who knows.  But I am currently in the red when it comes to loss, so any loss right now is a morale booster and I need that boost to keep me going.

Even though I know this week's weigh in could be a fluke, it will still be harder to keep on track this week, than if I had had a loss and could go into the week feeling good.  I wanted to be bathing suit ready by the time we go to Disney, but at this point, if I lost 1-2 pounds a week, about the most I will lose by then is about 20 pounds.  I will take it, anything is better than nothing, but man, I'm really bummed.  I wanted to be able to take tons of pics and actually feel good about them.  But, the Disney trip will come no matter what, so I can either lose the 20 and be happy about it, or still be the same or even heavier by then.

I've started walking my dog every day while Emily is napping, and Ryan is home with her.  It's not much, but five years ago when I lost a lot of weight, it started with just walking.  I like walking, and I use my dog as motivation because she really needs to burn off some of her puppy energy, and I have not been doing a good job with keeping up with her training.  But I know if I can just get in a solid two weeks of walking her every day, she will be doing much much better with loose leash walking, and then from that point on walking her won't be as much of a chore, as she won't be dragging me around the neighborhood.  So on a day that I feel lazy, I just think to myself that I have to take her or else she'll forget her training thus far.

I found on pinterest, a good way to visualize your weight loss is to get a jar full of however many marbles you want to lose (one marble equals one pound) and another jar to put the lost weight in.  So I was pretty bummed to not only have to move those 2.5 marbles back to the "need to lose" jar, but I also had to add an extra one.  Oh well, I WILL get to my goal someday.  I've been converting all of our old family movies from VHS to DVD, so I've been watching a lot of videos from when I was like 18-23.  I've always felt fat, all my life, as far back as I can remember.  But watching those videos now, not only was I not fat back then, I was hot!  Damn, I wish I could go back and enjoy it.  I guess I felt fat because I was curvier and more muscular than the stick thin girls.  Yeah you could probably pinch some fat on my tummy and thighs, but what I wouldn't give to go back to being "that fat".

So anyway, we had a nice morning, visiting Santa and then we walked around the museum for a little bit and then came home and had lunch.  We picked out our Christmas tree the other day, and Emily and I went inside their little camper to pay the guy while my husband got the tree loaded.  I don't know if it was the man, the camper or both, but as soon as we went in and sat down Emily started bawling.  I tried setting her down in front of me but she wanted back on my lap, and the tears were flowing.  I don't know if she thought I was going to leave her there or what.  Though the camper, and the man for that matter, were a bit creepy.  She is definitely getting to the age where she is very weary of strangers and wanting me close by.  She loves being at her grandparents' houses, and she's very comfortable with them, but unless I quietly slip out the door when I leave, she's crying and beating on the door as I leave.  It breaks my heart, but also makes me kind of happy at the same time.  It's nice to know she misses me.

So once we got the tree up we attempted our family picture in front of it.  It did not go well....we had trouble getting Em to sit with us for any length of time, and the dog was just going nuts.  Every picture was a blur of black, otherwise known as our dog.  So we decided to nix the dog, and just did the three of us.  After a few takes we got a pretty good one.  Of course once I ordered the cards, I went out and tried taking a picture of just Nalah in front of the tree, and she laid down so nicely and looked so cute with her little Christmas handkerchief on.  So I thought I would cancel the order and make a new card, with our family pic, a separate picture of Nalah and then maybe get a really cute pic of Emmy by herself in front of the tree too.  But they wouldn't let me cancel the order.  Never mind the fact that the store was closed and wouldn't be processing it until the next day.  Oh well, the cards still came out nice.

Tonight I took Emily out to run a few errands, and I noticed earlier that her face looked a little sensitive, but then I noticed her forehead, cheeks, chin, neck, and behind her ears were all blotchy and broken out.  Her forehead felt a bit warm so I texted both my MIL and stepmom to ask what it could be.  They both asked if her chest/tummy/back/pits were broken out.  So when we got home I checked but they weren't, and she didn't have a temperature.  We just got a new thermometer, like the old fashioned ones except without the mercury.  I got sick of not being able to trust the digi ones since they always give out different readings.

I was nervous to use it since it's a rectal and it takes 4 minutes to read.  But luckily some music on my phone distracted her enough to get a reading.  A few times she looked up like, man, why is that thing still in my butt?  A few weeks ago my husband was sick and he wanted to take his temperature but he couldn't since all the thermometers in the house have been in Em's butt, lol.  But I did remember my BBT therm hadn't been in anyone's butt, so he used that.  I'm glad I got the non-digi one, since that one read normal and the digi said her temp was 99.2.  Not worrisome, but still, I hate the wonky readings.

She had been a bit lethargic this morning and took forever to go down for her nap....normally she is out like a light, so I thought that could be related to her rash.  But this evening she was happy and full of energy, so I ruled that out.  Then I realized ya know, I bet the rash is from sticking her face in the Christmas tree.  I've caught her a couple times crawling underneath it, going after the cats.  Goofy kid.  I'll keep an eye on it, but I'll bet that is what it is from.

My kid can take your kid

I officially have THAT kid.  I dropped Emily off at my stepmom's the other day so she could have a play date with her brother's granddaughter.  A is about three months younger than Em so we figured they would have a good time.  Don't get me wrong, I am sure they did, but there was some non-sharing going on, and some slaps, and surprise surprise, the culprit was my kid.

Then a couple days later she and I went shopping with my MIL and we went to Carter's.  They have a Duplo table in the middle of the store for kids to play with, so she sat there and played for a bit while we shopped.  Each end has a little net full of Duplo's.  After a little while another mom and her daughter came in, and she went right to Em and the table.  At first they did their usual non-verbal kid speak of "hey I'm a kid, and your a kid too, how fun", as they stared at one another and flapped their arms and smiled.  But then new kid dared to want to play with the Duplos too, so Emily kept going over and taking hers, and then she yanked the girl's hat off her head!

Luckily it was a cool mom and I kept telling Em to share and not to hit or anything and the mom just kept saying it's ok, she's alright.....'cause ya know, wouldn't want to have to have a throw down in the middle of Carter's with another mom.  Just kidding....sort of ;)

Luckily the other little girl didn't cry until she stepped back and ended up toppling over the chair, which my kid had nothing to do with!  So, I know her behavior is normal.  She's 20 months old, approaching her terrible two's (or has been in them since she turned one), has no siblings to have to share with or communicate with to learn not to hit, and rarely spends time with other kids.  When she does, they are all older, like 3-9 years older.  I think with older kids she is a little better behaved because she may feel intimidated by them, and even when she does have a tantrum or something, older kids are more understanding because to them she is just a baby.

But I think with kids her age, she feels at least equal if not a bit superior to them, and as she doesn't understand it's not ok to hit and she has to share, the other kids her age don't understand why she is doing these things.  And while I know it is normal, I also think it's a bit of her personality too.  Despite not knowing how to share and effectively communicate, I am sure some kids (like her recent victims) are more laid back and/or shy and would be less likely to try to steal toys or hit, whereas I think Em will tend to be the alpha dog in her relationships with others.

But my bump moms made me feel better.  As much as I would tell another parent that this behavior is completely normal for her age, I still second guessed myself because it is difficult to be the mom of THAT kid who is bullying other kids.  Normal or not, it's hard not to worry that you're raising a little demon.  So A's mom requested another play date for next week, so things must not have gone that bad.  They probably won't get together a ton because they don't live real close, but it's nice knowing there is another little girl close in age that she can play with from time to time.

I also hope to get together with my cousin and her daughter.  K is six months younger than Em....we went to visit last year when Em was 8 months and K was 2, but now they're both walking and could interact more.  I also found a few groups at the library....though this week I didn't do so well getting to them.  Wednesday there was a toddler craft program which I really wanted to do because Em doing crafts and making a mess elsewhere is always good, and I need ideas for crafts to do with her at this age.  But, I didn't end up falling asleep until 6am that morning, and I would have had to get up at 8 to make it there at 10.  Did not happen.

So the next day there was a playgroup for 1-4 year olds.  I figured that one would be good because at most some kids would be two years older than her, but hopefully some the same age as well.  I told my husband to wake me up when he got home, but he kind of forgot and I ended up oversleeping.  Emily used to be my alarm, waking me up at 8, but lately she has been sleeping in until 9, 9:30 and often doesn't start squawking until 10.

But the play group runs twice a month, so hopefully we can make it to the next one this month.  This morning I absolutely had to get up because I was taking her for her Christmas pictures at 10 (why is everything at 10?).  So I woke up at 8 (after ignoring my alarm for 45 minutes).  My husband was all hyper and telling me a story when he got home from work....his weekend starts on Friday mornings so he often comes home all giddy and happy on Fridays, and his exuberance woke her up.  But I was able to shower before she wanted to get out of her crib.  I have to say, it was kind of nice to get up early-ish and before her so I could get ready.  Maybe, mayyyybe I will try that next week.  It's so hard to get motivated to start my day when I have to get her breakfast and stuff first thing when I wake up.
So her pictures went well.  I wanted to do two backgrounds, a christmas one and then a silver one with a little sled for her to sit on, but by the time the christmas background was done, so was she.  It was pretty funny, she wouldn't cooperate much, kept leaving the spot she was supposed to sit to come to me, then she'd start crying and walk out of the room, and she even uttered a few "stop its" and one "stop it now".  I told her to come back in, Minnie was in there.  Then the assistant whipped out a Minnie Mouse doll.  I was like whoa, I was lying to get her back in here, I didn't know you really had one.  So I was bummed we only got one pic with the silver background, and she was playing on my phone....but the christmas background ones came out great.  It was the first time she's ever smiled for pro pics.

It's also not a bad thing we didn't have a ton of pics to choose from, as it was it was hard to pick.  But I did good, I walked out of there only $82 poorer.  That's not bad at all considering how much we spent at this other place in the past.  Now we've just got to get our Christmas tree so we can take a family picture in front of it and use those for our Christmas cards.  We're going to try to do the three of us plus the dog.  Ha, we'll see how that goes.

I have this long list of projects that I keep putting off, and today I stopped and bought the tools I needed to turn our bi-fold closet doors into french doors.  So tonight I was in the basement cleaning the litter boxes and thought, I'm going to paint Emily's closet doors!  I gathered up all the painting stuff, and two hours later I was done.  All this time they have just been that ugly off white primer color, with wooden door pulls.  So I painted the doors a soft pink, and put cute little daisy door pulls on instead of the wooden ones.  It really makes the whole closet look so much better.  So maybe tomorrow I will turn them into french doors, I hate bi-fold doors.

I left her window open and had the fan on, but it must not have been a low-VOC paint because it still smelled quite a bit by bed time.  I was too nervous to get her sleep in the fumes, so she's in our room in a pack n play.  Thank God my aunt gave us one a while back.  We have a brand new one in our camper, that's where she sleeps when we stay there, and we just recently bought that one while we were in Chicago since the stupid hotel didn't have a crib, but that one is at my stepmom's so Em has a place to nap when she is there.

So thankfully I remembered the one in the basement my aunt gave us.  We've never used it....my intention was for Em to nap in it while I worked out downstairs, but my working out doesn't happen often, and I know now she likely wouldn't go down for a nap if I am right there working out.  But it saved us tonight, I don't know where she would have slept if it hadn't been for that.  I bought her a small inflatable mattress for Disneyworld, just in case we have the same crib debacle.  But she's yet to sleep on it, and she could of course get up in the middle of the night or in the morning and neither our room nor the office is baby proofed, so that wouldn't have worked....and I don't trust letting her sleep in our bed.  I still feel like she is too little and I would worry about rolling onto her or something, and our bed is kind of high.  That would be a long fall if she fell out of bed.

She's so cute, she makes me smile every day.  I know she knows I am mama, but she doesn't call me it often, and when I ask where mama is she points to herself and says mama.  So the other day I was looking at my time hop pics on my phone, and one was of me from like 9 years ago.  She looked at it and said mama, mama.  Awww, all the feels!  Then today I took her outside real quick without a coat to see our Christmas lights lit up on the house.  We stood there for a minute looking at them, and then she shivered and said coooold!  I used to keep track of her words but she has so many now, I gave up.  I swear she has a new word almost everyday.  My little smarty :)