Tonight was the candle light vigil at Kayla's cemetery that the hospital puts on every year. We have gone for the last two, and left Emmy with a sitter. This year we were going to take her, as there are lots of other kids there. But she would still be pretty young, and probably talking and maybe throwing a fit about standing still for too long. Besides it was really cold out tonight, she wouldn't have made it the full hour.
So instead we went a little early and took the small Christmas tree my dad put together for Kayla. My inlaws got her a grave blanket too, so she has a nicely decorated grave. So we put some ornaments on the tree, and I got some battery operated candles in pretty Christmas glass cups to leave at her grave. That way during the vigil, our girl's grave would have candles too. So then we took Emily to see the light fest. It's like 5 miles of Christmas lights with different scenes. It was the first time taking her, she seemed to like it, she kept looking at either side of the road, making sure she got to see them all.
Just for tonight we turned her car seat around so she could see the lights, instead of seeing them all backwards as we passed. But she'll go back to rear-facing tomorrow. I think she enjoyed her view. After the lights we picked up dinner and went home and ate. We were just getting home at the time when the vigil would have been starting. So I am glad we went with this plan this year, it's hard to have a 20 month old (21 on Saturday!) out late in the cold and dark. I think maybe when she is 4 or 5 she can start going to the vigil. When she can understand that she needs to stand there and be quiet.
Not that it's horrible for her to make noise, but I just don't think any of us would enjoy it as much if she didn't want to stand still and be quiet. Plus, she still looks a bit like a baby, and I would hate to upset any parents who are very new in their grief. It was a nice night. We're starting a bunch of our own family traditions that we can do every year. Like when we got our Christmas tree, we went after dark (because I think the old school lots look cool at night, with those old fashioned string lights around the lot) and then went out to dinner after ward. It's so much fun to remember my own family traditions as a kid, and I love starting new ones and making memories for Em. I can't wait for her to open her Christmas Eve box next week.
She's getting some Minnie Mouse pajamas, some movie theater candy (she actually gets candy this year) and the movie Aladdin. So we'll order pizza, eat our candy and watch the movie as a family. As she gets older I am excited to start doing little surprise fun things for her....like announcing a family movie night in our bed. I want to kind of keep our room off limits to the kids. I mean, I am sure there are nights she will sleep with us after a nightmare and stuff, but I'd rather she not play in there and stuff. So I think it would be fun to once in a while all climb in our bed and watch a movie together.
My baby fever hasn't gone away really. I think it might be for real. I haven't even much thought lately about the scariness of another pregnancy, and even am not super scared about the idea of a new baby and toddler. Though that might be for one of two reasons. Emily is getting more independent, she doesn't need us to do every single thing for her anymore, and she can easily understand what we tell her and do simple things we ask of her. At the earliest, a new baby would come in November when Em is a few months shy of turning 3. It seems a lot more manageable to think of a new baby, when my older child isn't so much of a baby herself anymore. OR...I am just blocking out how much work a newborn is and how hellish it could be to have a newborn and a toddler.
But Em loves animals and babies, I think she could be a really good big sister. I have a framed picture of her as a newborn in her room, and tonight she kept pointing at it saying baby, baby. When I finish this pack of pills, I'm considering going off of them. I guess I figure, if baby #3 is a possibility, I should go off them soon and let my body start to regulate. Plus, for some reason this time I am really annoyed with taking them. My alarm goes off at 9pm and I'm like ugh, I don't feel like getting up to take them. And they're giving me cramps and break through bleeding like every other week. No fun. I've said I wouldn't even think about trying until after Disney, because how miserable does that sound to be walking all over Disney all week when you're pregnant and exhausted. But who knows, maybe we'll try for a Magical Kingdom baby while we're there. What a cool story some day to ick our kid out with. Hey guess what, you were conceived in the happiest place on earth!
Speaking of, I always get a chuckle out of how happy and upbeat the customer service reps are when you call them. I've overheard my MIL talk to like half a dozen and they are all so pleasant and cheerful. It doesn't even sound fake and forced like most companies. When the phone call is finished they tell you to have a magical day!! I just wonder if every 30 minutes or so they have to go in the break room and kick some puppies or steal ice cream from children or something, before having to go back to being so jolly and happy on the phone.
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