Another year

I woke up this morning feeling ok.  It hadn't quite dawned on me yet that it's NYE.  Despite having a good year, and looking forward to another good year, NYE has always been a little sad for me.  It always seems that no matter how good the year was, there is something I am letting go of that I don't want to.  Even though in reality, tomorrow is just another day, in my mind a big heavy concrete door comes crashing down, closing off the end of the year from future time.  If I lost something two months ago, it feels even more significant to leave it behind and move on to the new year.

My friend posted an old facebook update, the NYE before she lost her baby, which would be just a month before we lost Kayla.  There is just something so heartbreaking about reading something from the past, that was so full of joy and hope, and knowing that it didn't turn out that way.  Three years ago I was pregnant with Kayla, looking forward to the year turning to 2013, the year I would finally have my baby and become a mom.  I'm so brokenhearted for mine and her past self, because we were all smiles, when little did we know, what awaited us.

Two years ago I posted a quote that said something like, as we start the new year, I shouldn't look at it as more time since I've seen you, but coming closer to the time when I will see you again.  I like that quote, but it's easier said than done.  It's been 2 years, 9 months, and 5 days since I last held Kayla.  I hope to be on this earth for another 40-45 years or so.  That's a long time to wait to see her again, so it definitely does feel like we're moving further and further from her, instead of toward her.  And thinking of seeing her again just tears my heart in two, because seeing my angel in heaven means leaving my angel on earth.

I wondered if I was alone in my mixed feelings of today.  Was I the only weird one who felt the weight of that huge door crashing down on 2015, and putting another year between me and my baby?  So I scoured pinterest and Still Standing magazine, but couldn't find any quotes that worked.  Then I read a post from Angela Miller, and as always, she did not dissapoint.  I changed the sex of the baby to fit my life, but here is her poem, which perfectly reflects how I feel about the new year.

A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.

But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.

Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes,
hours,
days,
months,
years,
without you.

Another year
of battling the heartless
cliches thrown my way.

Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,

Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest daughter
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .

E's second Christmas

Christmas was nice, but not exactly what I was expecting.  Em wasn't really herself for a few days, I think she was pretty tired and overwhelmed by everything.  I was thinking she would be really into opening her presents, but after the first couple she kind of couldn't care less.  She likes her toys, but she went from her old toys, to boom, like 50 new toys in two days.

Ok, not that many, but that's what my living room looks like.  I am normally very happy to leave our tree up until at least New Year's Day and sometimes even later.  But Em is going to her aunt's house for the day on Wednesday, so if I get time, I might send it packing.  I am anxious to get the tree out so I can rearrange our furniture and see if I can make more room for her stuff.  Ha, I remember when all her toys fit in a little basket.  

I got her all dressed up on Christmas eve, the standard little girl christmas dress, white tights and black dressy shoes.  She was so adorable, but she never stood still long enough to really get a good picture.  She and I met my dad for church.  At first she just sat there, looking around, but once the music and singing started, so did the tears.  It seemed to scare her/make her sad.  Her lower lip jutted out and then came the tears.  She cried a few times off and on, but I held her for the entire service so she was mostly ok.  Just had no idea what was going on.

She hadn't been to church since last Christmas, and before that her Baptism.  I'd like to start going more regular, but my husband isn't such a fan.  But I do want her to grow up in the church, so by the time she is ready for Sunday school, he better be too.  Christmas eve we went to my brother's, Christmas morning we had our own little Christmas and then in the afternoon we went to my inlaws.  Em got a lot of great presents....lots of clothes and jammies, that elephant that blows the balls out of his trunk, a Sheriff Callie doll that talks and sings, a big hugs Elmo, lots of books, a wooden train set, some bath toys, and a beautiful Minnie Mouse dress she can wear to meet Minnie when we go to Disney.

Tonight was officially her last bubba.  Tomorrow I am washing them all and packing them away.  It made me really sad, tucking her in and seeing her drinking her last one.  I think it's going to be way harder on me.  It's like the line between being a baby and a big girl.  My baby isn't a baby anymore.  But it's looong overdue, she should have ditched them around one year.  I think if we have another I will aim for one year, but 15 months at the latest.  I'm praying bedtime goes ok without it.  I know she'll do good with her naps since she's already taken several naps without one, but bedtime is my biggest worry.

Luckily she is kind of out of sight out of mind with her stuff.  She weaned herself off her paci when she was like 10 months old.  If she finds one in her toy box she'll pop it in and walk around with it for a bit, but otherwise she doesn't really care.  Since she was old enough to start sleeping with a stuffed animal, she sleeps with Kayla Bear.  In the last few months she has started reaching through the bars and pulls her out in the mornings to carry her around the house, and sometimes brings her with us when we go places.  I was worried about her becoming like a wubbie and she has to have her all the time.  But she probably only brings her like 5% of the time, and she is usually fine without her.

Today she threw her between the wall and the changing table right before nap, and I didn't feel like fishing her out, so she slept with her little Minnie doll.  She went to sleep just fine.  So she likes things that bring her comfort, but she is fine without them too.  So I think once bubbas dissapear, she won't ask for one.  She gets excited when she sees one, but she never asks for one.  So yeah, delaying the bubba departure this long was definitely for my benefit, not hers.

Tonight she woke up crying an hour after I put her down, so I went in and tried to rock her but she just wanted to play.  Daddy was in the living room eating a late dinner and we had Despicable Me on TV, so I let her get up and play until the movie ended.  I just love to sit and watch her, running around the house in her little footy jams, hearing her diaper crackle as she moves.  Seeing her hair start to curl up at the bottoms.....ugh, I wish I could just freeze time and keep her this age forever.  She's still snuggly and oh so cute, but she's somewhat independent too.  The perfect age.

But then again, I've been saying "this is my favorite stage so far" for the last 648 days of her life, so more than likely, whatever age she is, will be my favorite age.

Christmas eve (eve) box

Tonight Emily opened her Christmas eve box.  We do it on eve eve since we have plans with family tomorrow night.  Her face lit up when she saw the package, and she did really well tearing the wrapping paper off.  She got all excited when she saw her Minnie Mouse PJ's, she exclaimed Minnie!  So I let her choose which ones she wanted to wear since she got two pair, and then she took out the movie theater candy and had fun shaking it.  Then I showed her the movie she got, which was Aladdin.

So we ordered pizza, ate dinner and all watched the movie together.  She liked it, but she was up and about a lot.  I guess I should have gotten her Enchanted.  She'll sit and watch that from start to finish, despite seeing it at least half a dozen times so far.  A very nice night.

Then I had to go and open an article on FB about a woman who contacted Delta airlines about bringing her pumped milk home on her flight (she pumped for 2.5 weeks while away on business), she did exactly what she was told and then told at the airport that she couldn't check it.  I'm trying, I am really really trying to A. not read articles that I know are going to raise my blood pressure, and B. not read the comment section that will make it go through the roof.

Tonight I was not successful.  I am not sure which is more terrifying; the amount of people that clearly did not read the article and then make some ignorant comment, the people that comment on breastfeeding that do not know how it works, or the people who seem angry that nursing mothers exist.

The first people, there is no excuse, it's just laziness and they want to hear themselves speak.  But if you don't understand how nursing works, please don't make comments about how the mother should have just not pumped for that entire time (ahhhh, it was 18 days) or ask why she needs to carry it in a cooler when she has natural milk holders.  This one man asked, hopefully joking, why she needed to pump when her natural milk holders have temperature and volume control.  I told him to make sure to turn down the volume control on his penis the next time he has to pee so he can go a little later.

In their defense, I know many men (and women) don't understand.  My husband didn't understand why I needed to pump at work when I went back.  But he also doesn't get on social media and try to tell people what they should do in regard to a body function that he A. does not have and B. does not understand.  Then there are the woman/mother/nursing haters.  Ok, I get it, the media shoves nursing down our throats.  They make the non-issue of nursing in public into a big deal because it is not a good day in the media unless a bunch of people are arguing and being hateful to one another over an issue.  I am also not a breatfeeding pusher either.  I think it's great that women can nurse, but some cannot (me), and some choose not to (possibly me if we have another).  I care that a baby gets fed, no matter how it happens.  But if a woman does chose to nurse, I absolutely think she has the right to do so, and be allowed the rights she is given to make that happen.

This woman was not seeking special treatment.  She did not demand that she be able to check a cooler full of a substance that isn't allowed on the plane.  Breast milk is allowed on planes, she was proactive by making the phone call, finding out how to check it, in what quantities and using what procedures, and then she was told the complete opposite when she arrived at the airport.  Had this been a diabetic bringing their testing supplies and insulin on board, people would have been outraged.  If this had been a person bringing their oxygen tank on board, people would have been angry if they were told they couldn't.  But this woman, who was just trying to keep her supply up and bring home a stash of milk for her baby, who no doubt likely needed it as she probably went through whatever stash was saved while mom was gone, just wanted to get home to her family and not waste countless hours of pumping.  She took the correct steps, and she was then told they were wrong by employees who clearly did not have the proper training.  Take away the fact that she is a nursing mother, and focus on the fact that she was a customer who was given wrong information that negatively impacted her experience on a flight where she was a paying customer.  How is that wrong to complain?  And everyone knows, if you want something done these days, it has to go on social media for the company to give a damn.

Back when Buy Buy Baby screwed me by not correctly handling my registry after Kayla passed, I complained to two different avenues of customer service.  I received nothing but rude attitudes and the run around, and they basically said it wasn't their fault.  But when my SIL posted my complaint on social media, they jumped on it, and kissed our butts to make it right.  Gee, I wonder why this woman's story went viral.

We are flying in a few months, and it will be my first time flying with a kid.  I am terrified, not only because flying can be stressful in and of itself (plus my husband is a nervous wreck on flights), but I am nervous about keeping my daughter happy, not angering the other passengers if she cries, and getting there on time and getting everything checked and carried on correctly.  I will spend a lot of time researching our airlines' rules about what to do with strollers, car seats, and how to bring milk (cows milk) on board, so I would be livid if I did all that, and then was told we could not bring her stroller, or car seat on for whatever reason.

So, I leave you all for tonight with this....this is how I feel when people talk out of their ass about breastfeeding, or get all angry and bitter because a mom is trying to feed her child.

Personality

Em has always had a rather distinct personality.  From the moment her personality began to show, she has been a funny, headstrong, determined little girl.  And I cannot explain how she is different in this past month or two, but it's like her personality has ramped up from a 3.5 out of 5, to a 6 out of 5.  She's saying more words than ever, she's speaking a lot more clear, and she just does such funny stuff.

The other night she was playing on the floor, so I laid down on the floor on my stomach to stretch my back.  She saw me and said horsie, and proceeding to sit on me and use my shirt as reigns.  Tonight she was at my dad's and my step sister has this fairly decent sized stuffed animal horse.  It was in the middle of her bed, and Emily somehow climbed up and got it and came walking out in the living room with it, all smiles.

For the rest of the day she scooted around on the floor, riding the horsie.  We have to be careful about leaving empty pop cans around, she'll take the tab off and put it in her mouth.  So she got a hold of a can the other day and my husband was coming in the room, so I said go take that to daddy.  So she walked over to him, acted like she was taking a big sip and then she goes, ahhhhh!  She just cracks me up all the time.

She's been saying mama and dada for like a year now, but always just kind of babbled it for no particular reason.  A couple months ago she would say dada if she saw his sweatshirt, or his work badge or something.  Then one day she saw an old picture of me on my time hop app and she said mama!  It's like ever since then she knowingly calls us mama and dada, and when we are not in the room she calls for us.  She says hi when you walk in the room now, if she gets hurt and you ask her if she is ok, she'll say yeah, but in a little pouty voice, like she's not, but she says she's ok.  She's not stringing any words together really yet, except her favorite, stop it.  But it's like her speech has gone from just repeating words, to actually understanding what people are saying and responding in a way that reflects that.  It's just very cool.

Most days I can get her to repeat almost all the alphabet letters as I say them, and I swear sometimes she fills in the next one before I can get to it, like I'll say L and she'll say M.  It's happened enough times that it cannot be a coincidence.  Tonight my stepmom was counting to 10 and she said 8, and Emmy goes 9!  I have no clue how she knew that.  We've barely even worked on numbers much because we're working on letters.  My dad is completely convinced she is the world's next mega genius.

Well I'm off to wrap the last few presents.  I'm so excited for Christmas this year.  I love that she was a little older for her first Christmas last year (8 months) so she kind of got into it, but this year is going to be so much fun watching her open presents and see her gifts.  It's so true, as a kid you think nothing is better than Christmas, but then you realize watching your own kids love Christmas is even better.

Candlelight vigil and Christmas lights

Tonight was the candle light vigil at Kayla's cemetery that the hospital puts on every year.  We have gone for the last two, and left Emmy with a sitter.  This year we were going to take her, as there are lots of other kids there.  But she would still be pretty young, and probably talking and maybe throwing a fit about standing still for too long.  Besides it was really cold out tonight, she wouldn't have made it the full hour.

So instead we went a little early and took the small Christmas tree my dad put together for Kayla.  My inlaws got her a grave blanket too, so she has a nicely decorated grave.  So we put some ornaments on the tree, and I got some battery operated candles in pretty Christmas glass cups to leave at her grave.  That way during the vigil, our girl's grave would have candles too.  So then we took Emily to see the light fest.  It's like 5 miles of Christmas lights with different scenes.  It was the first time taking her, she seemed to like it, she kept looking at either side of the road, making sure she got to see them all.

Just for tonight we turned her car seat around so she could see the lights, instead of seeing them all backwards as we passed.  But she'll go back to rear-facing tomorrow.  I think she enjoyed her view.  After the lights we picked up dinner and went home and ate.  We were just getting home at the time when the vigil would have been starting.  So I am glad we went with this plan this year, it's hard to have a 20 month old (21 on Saturday!) out late in the cold and dark.  I think maybe when she is 4 or 5 she can start going to the vigil.  When she can understand that she needs to stand there and be quiet.

Not that it's horrible for her to make noise, but I just don't think any of us would enjoy it as much if she didn't want to stand still and be quiet.  Plus, she still looks a bit like a baby, and I would hate to upset any parents who are very new in their grief.  It was a nice night.  We're starting a bunch of our own family traditions that we can do every year.  Like when we got our Christmas tree, we went after dark (because I think the old school lots look cool at night, with those old fashioned string lights around the lot) and then went out to dinner after ward.  It's so much fun to remember my own family traditions as a kid, and I love starting new ones and making memories for Em.  I can't wait for her to open her Christmas Eve box next week.

She's getting some Minnie Mouse pajamas, some movie theater candy (she actually gets candy this year) and the movie Aladdin.  So we'll order pizza, eat our candy and watch the movie as a family.  As she gets older I am excited to start doing little surprise fun things for her....like announcing a family movie night in our bed.  I want to kind of keep our room off limits to the kids.  I mean, I am sure there are nights she will sleep with us after a nightmare and stuff, but I'd rather she not play in there and stuff.  So I think it would be fun to once in a while all climb in our bed and watch a movie together.

My baby fever hasn't gone away really.  I think it might be for real.  I haven't even much thought lately about the scariness of another pregnancy, and even am not super scared about the idea of a new baby and toddler.  Though that might be for one of two reasons.  Emily is getting more independent, she doesn't need us to do every single thing for her anymore, and she can easily understand what we tell her and do simple things we ask of her.  At the earliest, a new baby would come in November when Em is a few months shy of turning 3.  It seems a lot more manageable to think of a new baby, when my older child isn't so much of a baby herself anymore.  OR...I am just blocking out how much work a newborn is and how hellish it could be to have a newborn and a toddler.

But Em loves animals and babies, I think she could be a really good big sister.  I have a framed picture of her as a newborn in her room, and tonight she kept pointing at it saying baby, baby.  When I finish this pack of pills, I'm considering going off of them.  I guess I figure, if baby #3 is a possibility, I should go off them soon and let my body start to regulate.  Plus, for some reason this time I am really annoyed with taking them.  My alarm goes off at 9pm and I'm like ugh, I don't feel like getting up to take them.  And they're giving me cramps and break through bleeding like every other week.  No fun.  I've said I wouldn't even think about trying until after Disney, because how miserable does that sound to be walking all over Disney all week when you're pregnant and exhausted.  But who knows, maybe we'll try for a Magical Kingdom baby while we're there.  What a cool story some day to ick our kid out with.  Hey guess what, you were conceived in the happiest place on earth!

Speaking of, I always get a chuckle out of how happy and upbeat the customer service reps are when you call them.  I've overheard my MIL talk to like half a dozen and they are all so pleasant and cheerful.  It doesn't even sound fake and forced like most companies.  When the phone call is finished they tell you to have a magical day!!  I just wonder if every 30 minutes or so they have to go in the break room and kick some puppies or steal ice cream from children or something, before having to go back to being so jolly and happy on the phone.

Santa

My husband and I took Emily to see Santa today.  As I predicted, she wanted nothing to do with him this year.  Last year she was just kind of mesmerized by him, she sat on his lap looking at him like, I just don't know what to make of him.  This year, the second we got close she clung to me like a baby orangutan and Santa said I would have to sit next to him with her.  It's nice that he apparently doesn't believe in making a scared child sit on his lap, but man, I didn't want my fat ass in the picture.

Speaking of, last week I did ok with my diet, but could have done much better, didn't exercise at all and I lost 2.5 pounds.  This week I thought I did about the same with my diet, or even a little better, I went for a mile and a half walk three days this week (four counting today) and I GAINED 3.5 pounds.  WTF?  I know the scale isn't always a clear picture of what is going on, I could have eaten something yesterday that caused me to retain water, I could be at a point in the cycle where I am heavier, who knows.  But I am currently in the red when it comes to loss, so any loss right now is a morale booster and I need that boost to keep me going.

Even though I know this week's weigh in could be a fluke, it will still be harder to keep on track this week, than if I had had a loss and could go into the week feeling good.  I wanted to be bathing suit ready by the time we go to Disney, but at this point, if I lost 1-2 pounds a week, about the most I will lose by then is about 20 pounds.  I will take it, anything is better than nothing, but man, I'm really bummed.  I wanted to be able to take tons of pics and actually feel good about them.  But, the Disney trip will come no matter what, so I can either lose the 20 and be happy about it, or still be the same or even heavier by then.

I've started walking my dog every day while Emily is napping, and Ryan is home with her.  It's not much, but five years ago when I lost a lot of weight, it started with just walking.  I like walking, and I use my dog as motivation because she really needs to burn off some of her puppy energy, and I have not been doing a good job with keeping up with her training.  But I know if I can just get in a solid two weeks of walking her every day, she will be doing much much better with loose leash walking, and then from that point on walking her won't be as much of a chore, as she won't be dragging me around the neighborhood.  So on a day that I feel lazy, I just think to myself that I have to take her or else she'll forget her training thus far.

I found on pinterest, a good way to visualize your weight loss is to get a jar full of however many marbles you want to lose (one marble equals one pound) and another jar to put the lost weight in.  So I was pretty bummed to not only have to move those 2.5 marbles back to the "need to lose" jar, but I also had to add an extra one.  Oh well, I WILL get to my goal someday.  I've been converting all of our old family movies from VHS to DVD, so I've been watching a lot of videos from when I was like 18-23.  I've always felt fat, all my life, as far back as I can remember.  But watching those videos now, not only was I not fat back then, I was hot!  Damn, I wish I could go back and enjoy it.  I guess I felt fat because I was curvier and more muscular than the stick thin girls.  Yeah you could probably pinch some fat on my tummy and thighs, but what I wouldn't give to go back to being "that fat".

So anyway, we had a nice morning, visiting Santa and then we walked around the museum for a little bit and then came home and had lunch.  We picked out our Christmas tree the other day, and Emily and I went inside their little camper to pay the guy while my husband got the tree loaded.  I don't know if it was the man, the camper or both, but as soon as we went in and sat down Emily started bawling.  I tried setting her down in front of me but she wanted back on my lap, and the tears were flowing.  I don't know if she thought I was going to leave her there or what.  Though the camper, and the man for that matter, were a bit creepy.  She is definitely getting to the age where she is very weary of strangers and wanting me close by.  She loves being at her grandparents' houses, and she's very comfortable with them, but unless I quietly slip out the door when I leave, she's crying and beating on the door as I leave.  It breaks my heart, but also makes me kind of happy at the same time.  It's nice to know she misses me.

So once we got the tree up we attempted our family picture in front of it.  It did not go well....we had trouble getting Em to sit with us for any length of time, and the dog was just going nuts.  Every picture was a blur of black, otherwise known as our dog.  So we decided to nix the dog, and just did the three of us.  After a few takes we got a pretty good one.  Of course once I ordered the cards, I went out and tried taking a picture of just Nalah in front of the tree, and she laid down so nicely and looked so cute with her little Christmas handkerchief on.  So I thought I would cancel the order and make a new card, with our family pic, a separate picture of Nalah and then maybe get a really cute pic of Emmy by herself in front of the tree too.  But they wouldn't let me cancel the order.  Never mind the fact that the store was closed and wouldn't be processing it until the next day.  Oh well, the cards still came out nice.

Tonight I took Emily out to run a few errands, and I noticed earlier that her face looked a little sensitive, but then I noticed her forehead, cheeks, chin, neck, and behind her ears were all blotchy and broken out.  Her forehead felt a bit warm so I texted both my MIL and stepmom to ask what it could be.  They both asked if her chest/tummy/back/pits were broken out.  So when we got home I checked but they weren't, and she didn't have a temperature.  We just got a new thermometer, like the old fashioned ones except without the mercury.  I got sick of not being able to trust the digi ones since they always give out different readings.

I was nervous to use it since it's a rectal and it takes 4 minutes to read.  But luckily some music on my phone distracted her enough to get a reading.  A few times she looked up like, man, why is that thing still in my butt?  A few weeks ago my husband was sick and he wanted to take his temperature but he couldn't since all the thermometers in the house have been in Em's butt, lol.  But I did remember my BBT therm hadn't been in anyone's butt, so he used that.  I'm glad I got the non-digi one, since that one read normal and the digi said her temp was 99.2.  Not worrisome, but still, I hate the wonky readings.

She had been a bit lethargic this morning and took forever to go down for her nap....normally she is out like a light, so I thought that could be related to her rash.  But this evening she was happy and full of energy, so I ruled that out.  Then I realized ya know, I bet the rash is from sticking her face in the Christmas tree.  I've caught her a couple times crawling underneath it, going after the cats.  Goofy kid.  I'll keep an eye on it, but I'll bet that is what it is from.

My kid can take your kid

I officially have THAT kid.  I dropped Emily off at my stepmom's the other day so she could have a play date with her brother's granddaughter.  A is about three months younger than Em so we figured they would have a good time.  Don't get me wrong, I am sure they did, but there was some non-sharing going on, and some slaps, and surprise surprise, the culprit was my kid.

Then a couple days later she and I went shopping with my MIL and we went to Carter's.  They have a Duplo table in the middle of the store for kids to play with, so she sat there and played for a bit while we shopped.  Each end has a little net full of Duplo's.  After a little while another mom and her daughter came in, and she went right to Em and the table.  At first they did their usual non-verbal kid speak of "hey I'm a kid, and your a kid too, how fun", as they stared at one another and flapped their arms and smiled.  But then new kid dared to want to play with the Duplos too, so Emily kept going over and taking hers, and then she yanked the girl's hat off her head!

Luckily it was a cool mom and I kept telling Em to share and not to hit or anything and the mom just kept saying it's ok, she's alright.....'cause ya know, wouldn't want to have to have a throw down in the middle of Carter's with another mom.  Just kidding....sort of ;)

Luckily the other little girl didn't cry until she stepped back and ended up toppling over the chair, which my kid had nothing to do with!  So, I know her behavior is normal.  She's 20 months old, approaching her terrible two's (or has been in them since she turned one), has no siblings to have to share with or communicate with to learn not to hit, and rarely spends time with other kids.  When she does, they are all older, like 3-9 years older.  I think with older kids she is a little better behaved because she may feel intimidated by them, and even when she does have a tantrum or something, older kids are more understanding because to them she is just a baby.

But I think with kids her age, she feels at least equal if not a bit superior to them, and as she doesn't understand it's not ok to hit and she has to share, the other kids her age don't understand why she is doing these things.  And while I know it is normal, I also think it's a bit of her personality too.  Despite not knowing how to share and effectively communicate, I am sure some kids (like her recent victims) are more laid back and/or shy and would be less likely to try to steal toys or hit, whereas I think Em will tend to be the alpha dog in her relationships with others.

But my bump moms made me feel better.  As much as I would tell another parent that this behavior is completely normal for her age, I still second guessed myself because it is difficult to be the mom of THAT kid who is bullying other kids.  Normal or not, it's hard not to worry that you're raising a little demon.  So A's mom requested another play date for next week, so things must not have gone that bad.  They probably won't get together a ton because they don't live real close, but it's nice knowing there is another little girl close in age that she can play with from time to time.

I also hope to get together with my cousin and her daughter.  K is six months younger than Em....we went to visit last year when Em was 8 months and K was 2, but now they're both walking and could interact more.  I also found a few groups at the library....though this week I didn't do so well getting to them.  Wednesday there was a toddler craft program which I really wanted to do because Em doing crafts and making a mess elsewhere is always good, and I need ideas for crafts to do with her at this age.  But, I didn't end up falling asleep until 6am that morning, and I would have had to get up at 8 to make it there at 10.  Did not happen.

So the next day there was a playgroup for 1-4 year olds.  I figured that one would be good because at most some kids would be two years older than her, but hopefully some the same age as well.  I told my husband to wake me up when he got home, but he kind of forgot and I ended up oversleeping.  Emily used to be my alarm, waking me up at 8, but lately she has been sleeping in until 9, 9:30 and often doesn't start squawking until 10.

But the play group runs twice a month, so hopefully we can make it to the next one this month.  This morning I absolutely had to get up because I was taking her for her Christmas pictures at 10 (why is everything at 10?).  So I woke up at 8 (after ignoring my alarm for 45 minutes).  My husband was all hyper and telling me a story when he got home from work....his weekend starts on Friday mornings so he often comes home all giddy and happy on Fridays, and his exuberance woke her up.  But I was able to shower before she wanted to get out of her crib.  I have to say, it was kind of nice to get up early-ish and before her so I could get ready.  Maybe, mayyyybe I will try that next week.  It's so hard to get motivated to start my day when I have to get her breakfast and stuff first thing when I wake up.
So her pictures went well.  I wanted to do two backgrounds, a christmas one and then a silver one with a little sled for her to sit on, but by the time the christmas background was done, so was she.  It was pretty funny, she wouldn't cooperate much, kept leaving the spot she was supposed to sit to come to me, then she'd start crying and walk out of the room, and she even uttered a few "stop its" and one "stop it now".  I told her to come back in, Minnie was in there.  Then the assistant whipped out a Minnie Mouse doll.  I was like whoa, I was lying to get her back in here, I didn't know you really had one.  So I was bummed we only got one pic with the silver background, and she was playing on my phone....but the christmas background ones came out great.  It was the first time she's ever smiled for pro pics.

It's also not a bad thing we didn't have a ton of pics to choose from, as it was it was hard to pick.  But I did good, I walked out of there only $82 poorer.  That's not bad at all considering how much we spent at this other place in the past.  Now we've just got to get our Christmas tree so we can take a family picture in front of it and use those for our Christmas cards.  We're going to try to do the three of us plus the dog.  Ha, we'll see how that goes.

I have this long list of projects that I keep putting off, and today I stopped and bought the tools I needed to turn our bi-fold closet doors into french doors.  So tonight I was in the basement cleaning the litter boxes and thought, I'm going to paint Emily's closet doors!  I gathered up all the painting stuff, and two hours later I was done.  All this time they have just been that ugly off white primer color, with wooden door pulls.  So I painted the doors a soft pink, and put cute little daisy door pulls on instead of the wooden ones.  It really makes the whole closet look so much better.  So maybe tomorrow I will turn them into french doors, I hate bi-fold doors.

I left her window open and had the fan on, but it must not have been a low-VOC paint because it still smelled quite a bit by bed time.  I was too nervous to get her sleep in the fumes, so she's in our room in a pack n play.  Thank God my aunt gave us one a while back.  We have a brand new one in our camper, that's where she sleeps when we stay there, and we just recently bought that one while we were in Chicago since the stupid hotel didn't have a crib, but that one is at my stepmom's so Em has a place to nap when she is there.

So thankfully I remembered the one in the basement my aunt gave us.  We've never used it....my intention was for Em to nap in it while I worked out downstairs, but my working out doesn't happen often, and I know now she likely wouldn't go down for a nap if I am right there working out.  But it saved us tonight, I don't know where she would have slept if it hadn't been for that.  I bought her a small inflatable mattress for Disneyworld, just in case we have the same crib debacle.  But she's yet to sleep on it, and she could of course get up in the middle of the night or in the morning and neither our room nor the office is baby proofed, so that wouldn't have worked....and I don't trust letting her sleep in our bed.  I still feel like she is too little and I would worry about rolling onto her or something, and our bed is kind of high.  That would be a long fall if she fell out of bed.

She's so cute, she makes me smile every day.  I know she knows I am mama, but she doesn't call me it often, and when I ask where mama is she points to herself and says mama.  So the other day I was looking at my time hop pics on my phone, and one was of me from like 9 years ago.  She looked at it and said mama, mama.  Awww, all the feels!  Then today I took her outside real quick without a coat to see our Christmas lights lit up on the house.  We stood there for a minute looking at them, and then she shivered and said coooold!  I used to keep track of her words but she has so many now, I gave up.  I swear she has a new word almost everyday.  My little smarty :)

Grandparents

I was just cleaning out an old purse and it must have been the one I carried to my grandpa's funeral because the eulogy I wrote for him was in there.  It's been almost 3.5 years since he and my grandma passed and I miss them so much.  They were the best grandparents ever.  They played with us, kissed boo boo's, we're always proud of us, hung on every word we said, and were always so happy to see us.  After my grandma passed, my grandpa mentally checked out.  His physical body died 23 days later but I firmly believe his soul went to Heaven the same day my grandma did.  He loved his family, but he had no interest whatsoever in a life without her.

My grandpa had always had health issues.  He became an insulin dependent diabetic at 50 and had many scares and hospitalizations due to it, he had a couple minor heart attacks and he had West Nile and was in a coma for a couple months, and was said that he would likely not walk again or without assistance and would have to re-learn how to speak.  Within days of getting his trach out he was telling stories just like always, and after a couple months gave up the walker altogether.  He walked all on his own, albeit much slower than before, but he defied all the prognosis his doctors gave him.

So the fact that he lived till 84 and was very active for many of those years surprised us all.  In his last few years we all became accustomed to the phone calls that he was back in the hospital, and in his final months we were all bracing ourselves for the news that he was finally in peace.  But my world was rocked to the core when the phone call came and that it was my grandma who had passed.  As far as we know my grandma was very healthy.  In all those years she had only been hospitalized once because she slipped and broke her hip.  Mentally she was very sharp, always up on world news and current events.  I never in a million years guessed my grandma would go first and it hit me really hard.  She was my best friend and I was lost without her.

I was so angry at first.  I hadn't gotten to say goodbye, I had missed her last couple phone calls, and she went from just not feeling well one day, to dead the next.  I hated the thought of losing my grandpa, but he had had so many health problems, we had all accepted that the day would come, and we would be happy for him to not be in pain anymore.  We knew my grandma was independent enough to go on without him and live out however many good years she had left.  We were just all in shock.

But as we watched his health take a huge drop after her passing, I began to understand.  My grandpa should have died probably 20 times or more through our his life.  Like a cat he just seemed to keep withdrawing a new life every time he was hit with something that would have killed anyone else.  I think he could have been hanging by a thread, and many times he was, but he would never leave the love of his life.  So she had to go first, to make it ok for him.  I believe the day she died, he died too of a broken heart, and he decided he was done.  It was ok for him to let go so he could follow her.  It took a little while for his body to give out, but it was just a matter of time.

He went from sitting up in bed and having lucid conversations, to just being a shell of a man, sleeping all day and sitting in his wheelchair in the hallway, not even aware of anyone's existence.  He would occasionally mutter something, usually it was unintelligible, but one day my uncle said he was saying something about his four babies, and my uncle said that was us.  He loved us and worried about us until his final breaths.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I just wanted to reflect on how thankful I am for my grandparents.  I was lucky enough to have them with me until I was 33.  I wish so much they could have met Emily, but I know they keep my Kayla safe in their arms, and I know they watch over us every day.  But I also want to say how thankful I am for Emily's grandparents.  I love that she has such a close bond with all four of them, and they would walk on water for her.  Em never got to meet my mom, but she will know all about her as she grows, and she is so lucky to have my stepmom who loves her just as much as her own flesh and blood.

Me and my girls are very very lucky :)

20 months

My girl is a spitfire.  She's been experiencing the terrible twos since she turned one, but the last few weeks it has gotten more and more intense.  It's a good thing she's cute.  She's been parroting everything people say, she has so many words now I can't even keep track of them anymore.  Somewhere around 40+ I think.  She loves her bath, she came in the other day while I was running it, she kept sticking her hand under the faucet and even tried to climb in with her clothes on.  So I picked her up to take her in her room to get her undressed and she screamed, ath, ath!  She loves her baths.  So funny because she hated them as a newborn.

So she is 20 months now, just 4 more months till the big 2.  I can't believe it, where did my little baby go, she's such a big girl now.  She knows where her eyes, nose, chin, mouth, ears, and sometimes head is.  We're still working on that one.  She can make cow, horse, elephant, dog, and cat noises and she knows her name.  When we ask her name, in her sweet little voice she says Emmmmy.  She's 24 pounds but I forgot to see how tall she is.  She loves Bubble Guppies, Sheriff Callie, Elmo, and Minnie Mouse.  I got her some winter boots for the snow a few weeks ago, but figured she needed some cold weather cute boots just for wearing when there isn't snow, but still too cold for shoes.  So after I picked out a new pair of shoes we went over to look at her size.  I found some adorable furry Minnie boots and when she saw them she exclaimed, "Minnie"!  So I handed her the little box and she toddled up to the register with them.

She's been going through a bit of sleep regression lately.  She still goes down well for her nap, but instead of her usual two hours, lately they've been more like an hour, and hour and a half and the other day she only napped for 40 minutes.  The next day I caved and gave her a nap bottle.  I NEEDED her to nap longer and she did, 2.5 hours.  Night time has been difficult too, she goes down around 7:30 or 8 and most nights she would fall asleep within half an hour.  Occasionally she'd have a rough night and be up longer, but lately it's like almost every night she's been up for an hour or two once I put her to bed.

She mostly plays or talks to her stuffed animals, so I guess it is not a big deal.  But still, I have trouble falling asleep so I hate knowing she's in there for a couple hours before she falls asleep.  Hopefully this phase doesn't last too long.

The other day she managed to get by me when I was getting a package off the porch, so I let her walk around outside for a few minutes, but she was in her jammies so I wanted her to come in.  HUGE melt down, cried the entire time I was getting her dressed to take her back outside, but of course she didn't understand that.  So we get back outside to play but after 40 minutes she had another tantrum when it was time to come in for lunch.

So I got some food into her.  Not much because that's her other phase lately, being a super picky eater.  Some meals she hardly eats anything, even if it's her favorite foods I am offering her.  She'll throw it on the floor or say stop in when I try to give her something.  I have no idea how that kid isn't starving all the time.  It worries me, but then again I know it's a common thing, having troubles getting kids to eat.  I guess if she is hungry enough she will eat.  So I felt ok about lunch, she ate half a banana, a go-gurt, had a slice of cheese and a few bits of lunch meat.  After the tantrums outside I was so looking forward to putting her down for a nap so I could relax.  Just as I am changing her diaper she pukes up all her lunch, and she was laying down so it was all in her hair.

So, off to the bath she goes.  And she had just had a bath the night before.  So I get her all cleaned up, back in her jammies and put her to bed.  Ahhhh.  That was when she napped for 2.5 hours.  Thank God.  But she's so funny, I could just watch her all day.

When we were at the shoe store the other day the cashier was going on about how cute she is and asked if she is my only and I lied and said yes.  I felt terrible about it like usual, I always feel like shit when I say that.  But today I was getting my toes done and the nail tech was really easy to talk to and we were talking about my daughter and getting pregnant and infertility.  She didn't even bring it up and I voluntarily told her about Kayla and what happened to her.  As guilty as I feel when I don't acknowledge Kayla, I've come to an acceptance about it.  I talk about her when I feel like it is safe, depending on who I am talking to.  This woman, and actually a few other nail techs I have told (nail techs are like hairstylists, you chat about everything).  In those situations I am always met with sympathy and understanding.  Usually they knew of someone who went through something similar and they are compassionate.

I am past the days when the pain was so raw it hurt to breathe, but at 2.5 years the pain of losing Kayla is still pretty fresh.  I don't think I will ever feel 100% fine with not acknowledging her sometimes, but I feel pretty good knowing that I am just protecting my heart, and I talk about her when I feel safe to do so.  Maybe years and years from now I will come to a point where I can talk about her to everyone and not worry how they'll react, but for now I think I am handling it ok, and no matter what my daughter knows I love her, and she knows there is not one day that goes by that I don't think of her.

Anniversary and trick or treating 2.0

Last Friday was me and my husband's 5 year wedding anniversary.  I took Emily to my dad's house around noon.  We had lunch and then I had to go home.  She was staying the night so we could have a night off to celebrate.  I was nervous about leaving her, worried it would be hard, or that she would cry.  But when I was leaving it was time for her nap anyway, so I tucked her in and said goodnight like usual, so it wasn't really hard on either of us.

I was glad to hear she napped well, this was her first time spending the night away from home without us, and the first time to ever sleep in the crib there, so it's good that she tested it out for her nap.  When I got home my husband and I went to get tattoos.  He got Emily's name on his forearm in a cool font, and I got an infinity symbol on my wrist with her name in it.  They both turned out great.  After that we went to dinner at Red Lobster, and then just went home and relaxed.  We watched some TV and I think we both napped for a little bit.  I kept forgetting Emily wasn't just in bed, so it wasn't too weird.

I stayed up late since I was able to sleep in the next day.  I woke a few times, but I finally got up around noon.  It was so nice.  I missed sleeping in.  I am lucky that Em lets me sleep till 8 most days and even sometimes 9, but it was still nice to just sleep until I was ready to get up.  So then I laid around watching Lost all afternoon.  My husband treats weekends just like his work week sleep schedule so he doesn't get all out of whack on his days off.  So he had gone to bed at 8am and got up at 3.  Around 4 we went to my dad's to have dinner with them and take Emily trick or treating.

I was so excited to see her, I missed her a lot and I was hoping to get a big reaction when she saw us, but she just kind of looked up like, oh, you're here?  But then I was hugging her and I went to stand up but she whined and wanted me to pick her up.  Ahhh, there it is, my baby did miss me.  So we had pizza and then my dad and stepmom got her dressed in her monkey costume.  The cheerleader was cute, but the monkey was AH-dorable!  When she walked her little tail swung back and forth.  It was kind of drizzly out, but it wasn't real cold so we had that in our favor.

There was a trunk or treat going on at the church at the corner, so our plan was to hit the houses on the way there, do the trunk or treat and then head back.  So we went to my dad's neighbor first.  He was peeking out the window as we were coming up, and he gave her a full size candy bar.  He used to do that for us when we were little too.  Em did great, she had no problem walking up to the doors and holding out her pumpkin for some candy.  I'd say, "say thank you", and she'd say "bye"!  There weren't a ton of houses giving out candy, I think we only hit four or five.

The line for the trunk or treat was about 10 minutes, and she was getting a little cranky, so we just did about 5 cars and then went back.  I was very pleased though, for only being her second Halloween and only being 19 months old, she did great.  She also did wonderful on her first overnight away from home.  Dad said she slept through the night and they had a ton of fun.

I don't think she has been feeling well lately but I can't pinpoint why.  I put her to bed last night as soon as we got home from her Nana's house, and she fell right to sleep.  About an hour later she woke up crying, so I rocked her for a while and she would fall in and our of sleep cuddled up to me.  My husband had already left for work so the house was quiet, so I thought maybe if I turned out all the lights she would sleep on me while I watched TV.  But once I got her out to the living room she was awake.  At one point I piled a bunch of pillows up on the couch and she snuggled on them, but she didn't stay long.  She played for a little bit and I put her back to bed.

Today she seemed fine until after her nap, then she would just cry on and off for no reason.  She wasn't hurt, wasn't mad, it was almost like she was crying because she was sad.  So I'd hold out my hands and she'd climb into my lap.  I put on the movie Enchanted and she'd stay in my lap for a while watching it, then she would get down and then automatically motion for me to pick her up again.  She didn't eat much dinner but she loved her treat of fruit punch, she gulped that down quickly.  I put her to bed at 8 and she fell asleep quickly.  But then she woke around 10, crying and a little sweaty.  I cuddled her some more and she fell back to sleep in my lap.  Despite the sweat she felt cool, and I took her temperature but it was normal.

So I got her a little more milk and put her back to bed and she's been sleeping since.  So I am not sure.  Maybe another tooth coming in, but I can't tell because I lost count a long time ago of which ones she has and doesn't have.  She always bites me when I try to feel around.  Didn't have a temperature so I don't think she's sick.  Maybe she had a bad dream.  Since she was up for that hour and a half last night, and didn't sleep her usual two hours at nap time maybe she was a little short on sleep.  Or maybe she just needed some snuggles with mama.  I hate for her to not feel well, but I admit, I love the snuggles.

Stats

Up until a year Em's baby book would ask questions about her development, likes, dislikes, habits, etc.  I figured I would do one now since they stopped at 12 months.

Milestones and memories: Em has been telling me when she went poo poo.  She usually only tells me when I first come in to get her in the morning, and of course it is always after the fact.  She never tells me about pee pee, but it's a start.  She now knows where her ears, eyes, nose, and mouth are.  Once she masters another I show her something new.  I think we'll do chin next.

Sleeping habits: She goes down wonderfully for her nap.  She typically naps from about 1pm till 3, and almost the second she finishes her bottle she is out.  On the rare times she wakes up early she fusses a bit and goes back to sleep.  Since we are obviously way over due, this is her last week with a nap bottle.  I know it needs to go, but I am a little fearful of how it might change nap time.  I plan to get rid of her night time bottle by Christmas, and I admit, a big part of me doesn't want to.  Partly it's fear of going down without one, but also it will be a big step of not being my baby anymore.  She loves her bubbas and is so adorable drinking one.  Luckily though, out of sight out of mind.  She never asks for it, she just gets excited when she sees it.  Bedtime is a little more difficult.  Not super hard, but she doesn't go down as well as she does for nap.  Occasionally she'll cry and beg for me to pick her up out of her crib, but most nights she lays down with Kayla bear and takes her bubba.  On nights she is exceptionally tired she'll be out pretty quick, but there are nights where she sits up and plays or walks around in her crib for an hour or two before falling asleep.

Luckily if I leave her be, she'll eventually go to sleep, but she does sometimes cry.  I usually let her cry it out since it only lasts a few minutes and then she goes back to playing.  She goes to bed around 8 and often sleeps until at least 8am but sometimes 8:30 or 9.  Very rarely a poopy diaper will wake her in the middle of the night, or she'll wake up crying for an unknown reason.  Maybe a nightmare or something.  She is often very snuggly when I go in, and sometimes falls back to sleep on my shoulder.  Since this doesn't happen often, I secretly love when she wakes up in the MOTN so I can get some snuggles, and of course being able to crawl back in bed for a few hours is always nice.  But even if she's asleep on my shoulder, I can never put her back in her crib without waking her, so I generally get her a little more milk and then she'll go right back to sleep.

Eating habits: There isn't much she doesn't like, but she doesn't always like to eat.  She's not a huge meat fan, but if I dip chicken in some ranch she'll often eat it.  She LOVES bananas, grapes, and peas.  She likes raisins as well, and often does well with lentil soup.  PB&J sandwiches are ok as is grilled cheese, but she hates egg salad.  Sometimes she will eat really nicely, other times she'll eat well for half of her meal and then start throwing food on the floor, or knocking the spoon out of my hand.  She loves to throw her sippy on the floor.  She does great with sippys, and straws and if there is just a little bit of milk or water in a glass she can drink from an open cup, but any more and she'll be wearing it.

She can eat finger food perfectly, and does pretty good with a fork.  The spoon she is still having difficulty with unless it is something thick like oatmeal she can dip her spoon in and get some.  She also loves oatmeal, and it is my go-to food when she won't eat or won't stop throwing all other food.  She also likes mac n cheese.  And for anything she doesn't like, that all goes out the window if it is something you're eating, and you want to eat in peace.  Then she's standing next to you with her mouth hanging open like a baby bird waiting to be fed.  She also hates wearing a bib and often throws it on the floor along with her sippy.  She doesn't get it a lot, but she will down a glass of chocolate milk in 2.5 seconds.

Favorites:  She loves Kayla bear, which I love.  It was the first stuffed animal we had on Kayla's grave and it became Emily's when we retired it from grave duty.  She loves her, she'd just the perfect size for her to hug, she'll squeeze her and squeal, she'll kiss her and she has to have her to go to sleep.  She gets her bubba, covered with a blanket, turn on the nightlight and lullabye elephant and she's got Kayla bear tucked into the crook of her arm.  Lately she has been going in her room and pulling her through the bars of her crib so she can carry her around, and sometimes she won't let go of her when we go somewhere and she brings her with us.  I am trying to discourage that as I'd rather she not form an attachment to her that breaks her heart when she has to stop taking her every where.

She loves Bubble Guppies and Sheriff Callie.  She watches Paw Patrol, Blaze, Sophia, and Doc Mcstuffins too but they're just kind of on while she's playing.  But she is glued to the tv when the other two are on.  She loves Momo (Elmo), and her Vtech walker.  She also has a riding bull that is supposed to be in her room but she gets him and scoots all over the house on him.  She loves to screech, the louder and more it pierces your ears the better and she loves cell phones.  She loves to climb up onto the couch and run from end to end.  She loves music and likes to dance.  She also loves to give kisses and she loves her baba (grandpa).  About two months ago I noticed her saying Baba every time I would say grandpa.  I still call him that in front of her, but she corrects me and says Baba.  She'll start yelling Baba when we pull in his driveway.

Discoveries and accomplishments: Tonight she helped me clean up her toys.  I showed her a block and asked her to bring me all the blocks.  She had trouble finding them all, but if I pointed one out she would go get it and put it in the bag (though I had to zip it shut quickly cause she wanted to take them back out and play with them).  I had her collect all of her markers, and then she helped me put toys in her toy box.

She recently discovered her vagina during bath time and she likes to poke her belly button during diaper changes.  She started walking about a month ago, but for a while she wouldn't walk on concrete but now that isn't an issue, but she does thankfully like to hold my hand when we are out in public.  It's nice to not have to always deal with the stroller.  

Trick or Treating 1.0

I think I am kind of pooping our of the capture your grief project this year.  I got a few days behind and I just don't feel like I have the mental energy to catch up.  Maybe next year.

Last night we all went out with my brother and SIL for dinner and trick or treating at the village.  The restaurant was busy and we had a wait, so when they called our name and asked if I high top was ok, we weren't sure what to do.  Of course you can't put a high chair next to a high top (despite the similar names, haha).  But I didn't know how much longer another table would be so we said ok and got a booster seat.  We will now be checking the box for "booster seat 'not ready' ".  She has a booster seat that we keep in the car in case restaurants don't have them or if we eat at a non-kid home, but it has straps to hold her in.

First I was worried she would slip out and slip under the table, which was quite a drop, and then she kept trying to climb across the table to my brother and when she was sitting with them she wanted to crawl back over to us.  Then she got a hold of my pop and dumped it all over my lap.  Not a great meal.  Then my husband got all annoyed and flustered cause she was crying.  He doesn't spend enough time with her out in public to have developed an "I don't give a shit if people stare at my screaming kid" attitude.  Before I had kids I used to think it must be so embarrassing, but I really do not care.  Other parents understand, and for those that aren't parents, one day if they become one they'll say, "Ohhhhh" just like I did.  She's a toddler, tantrums happen, deal with it.

So then we went to the village.  Emily was a U of M cheerleader.  I had adorable little pigtails in her hair, but one came out on the way to dinner since she kept turning her head in her car seat, and she screamed holy hell when I tried to fix it so I just took the other one out.  It was also pretty chilly so she had to wear a jacket so you really couldn't see her costume.  Oh well.  I just wore jeans and a waffle shirt because I am hot all the time, and I was sweating when I was getting ready.  But once we got there I was pretty cold, and luckily my brother had an extra sweatshirt for me to wear.  It was a nice change to be cold for once.  I am really hoping if I can get back down to my goal weight, the sweating will go away.  I hate doing my hair and make up but then my hairline gets all sweaty and my hair becomes a wet wavy mess.

I know part of it is a change in hormones since having Emily, but I am praying the weight is a big factor and will help a lot once I lose it.  I cannot stand being hot and sweaty all the time.  And it's just my hairline that sweats.  I mean, I guess it's good that I don't get pit stains, but come on, it ruins my hair and make up.  I remember the winter I lost a lot of weight, I was cold all the time.  I would kill to be a cold person.  At least then you can pile on cute sweaters and sweatshirts.  There isn't much you can do when you're in just a tshirt in 40 degree weather and drowning in your sweat.

So we walked around, saw all the attractions, there were some new ones that were pretty cool.  Emily seemed to like it, she especially liked seeing the horses at the Ichibod Crane and Headless Horseman attraction.  I was standing there holding her and for whatever reason she decided to knock my glasses off my face (she usually only does this when she's mad) and of course they land on the other side of the fence in the corn field where they are riding.  Thankfully they were just in reach and my brother got them.  What would I have done, excuse me headless horseman, will you get me my glasses?

I finally got all my chores done this week on time, so today I was able to just lay around and relax.  It was so nice.  I missed being able to relax on the weekend and not feel guilty about not doing the chores I didn't do all week.  Maybe I can keep it up.  What's been working so far is to drink half a 5 hour energy and that keeps me going and I don't end up dozing or napping when Emily naps.  I don't like depending on them, but even the caffeine in tea or choking down a coffee doesn't help as much as the energy drinks do.  Hopefully they're not THAT bad for you, especially since I only drink half in one day.  I am not being very successful in going to bed earlier, but at least without the daytime naps, I am falling asleep easier when I do go to bed.

Around 5 I decided to go to the mall and pick up my husband's anniversary present.  I was going to run there by myself but decided to take Emmy.  We stopped at the cemetery first to get Kayla's stuffed animal.  I don't want it taken if they do a fall clean up soon.  I'll wash her and then Emily will get her, and we'll pick out a new stuffie that Kayla will have in her christmas stocking and then we'll put it at her grave in the spring.  Last year's stuffie is now Emily's favorite teddy bear.  We call her Kayla bear since she was hers first.  She is just the perfect size for Em to cuddle with and she's wearing a light pink jacket with a hoodie.  She really loves her, she has to have her to go to sleep and lately she has been carrying her around the house and she hugs her and squeals.

So after that we went to the mall.  I decided to be brave and leave the stroller and let her walk in.  She did great most of the way, she's really good about holding my hand, in fact she prefers it when we are out in public or walking somewhere that the ground isn't perfectly level.  I picked up the gift and then I let her ride some of the cars and stuff that they had in the kids area.  She seemed to like them but I think their movements scared her a bit.  Then we were on our way to the doors to leave when she face planted and bumped her forehead on the floor.  So we had to get ice cream to make her feel better.

Ok ok, we were already on our way to get ice cream anyway, but the former is the official story.  My mom and I used to always stop at Macy's for some frozen yogurt at that very mall, so it's a fun tradition to carry on with my daughter.  So we got a cup of yogurt with chocolate chips.  She liked it and she soon forgot all about her fall.  It was a nice little trip to the mall.  I love spending fun times with her, making memories.

Capture your grief- Day 18, Seasons and symbols

What season do you associate with your children?  is it the season that they died in?  Or maybe another reason like a beautiful time you spent together.  What emotions arise in you when that season comes around?  What is it in that season that triggers feelings and memories for you?  Is it the scent in the air?  The color of the leaves?  Do you look forward to this season because you feel more connected to your children or do you dread it?  Do you have a symbol that represents your child?Share how you came to find that symbol and what it means to you.

There isn't one season that is overwhelmingly "Kayla" to me.  In some ways, it is summer since she was due in July.  July 26th to be exact....so far we have passed by July three times since we lost her and every year on July 26th I think of her, and wonder what our lives would have been like.  I also think of her of course in March, when she was born and died.  Approaching it isn't as hard since it is also a happy time, Emily's birthday is just 5 days before.  So we have been busy preparing for her arrival and celebrating her birthday.  But the day of is always sad for me.  On the first anniversary I awoke feeling like my chest was heavy, and despite having this beautiful new baby girl, I cried the entire time I got her ready that day.

For some reason I also associate Christmas with her.  I guess because it is both such a happy and sad occasion in one.  When Christmas is happy, it's extra happy.  But when it is sad, it is especially sad.  Christmas was a special time for us when I was pregnant with Kayla.  It was just barely a month since we had announced to close family, and the first time seeing everyone since so we were all happy and excited.  We also announced to my SIL and BIL on Christmas day.  We also talked and dreamed about what next Christmas would be like, with our little one on her first Christmas.  I was so excited.

When we lost Kayla, one of my first thoughts was, I cannot do Christmas this year.  We talked about going away for it, not decorating at all, not seeing family, just making it a regular day.  As time went on and when we got pregnant with Emily, I felt less hostile about Christmas, but it still brings up mixed emotions.

Our symbol for Kayla is a butterfly.  My husband and I were at the cemetery picking out a symbol to put on her gravestone.  The funeral director suggested we choose something that reminded us of her, but we barely got to know her, so nothing was standing out.  Then I saw a butterfly, and I mentioned to Ryan how butterflies was going to be the theme of her room.  So we decided it would be perfect.  We have since learned that the butterfly is a very common symbol of a loved one who has passed. The fact that they start off as a caterpillar, and then go into a death-like state and then morph into this beautiful butterfly, almost like a second life is very symbolic of what we picture our baby as having done.  She lived on this earth only a very short time, and now she is a beautiful angel in Heaven.  Whenever I see a butterfly, I always smile and think of my girl.

Capture your grief- Day 17, Secondary Losses

When your child dies, there are a series of secondary losses that follow.  They are different for everyone.  The loss of relationships, the loss of innocence, the loss of employment, etc.  Share about something else that you lost when your child died.  This is a perfect way for us to shine a light on the grief experience.

I was lucky to not experience a whole domino effect after we lost Kayla.  But I am familiar with it since I lost my mom; I lost friends (you find out who your real friends are in time of loss), an apartment (not really a loss, I chose to move but I did so to be closer to my dad.  Had my mom not died, I would have continued living where I lived), my sister-in-law (not related to my loss, but my brother and his wife separated just a month or so before my mom died) and I lost who I thought was the love of my life at the time.  Most of these weren't losses relating to my mom dying, but they all happened in a short period of time and they were all changes I didn't want to deal with while also grieving for my mom.

I guess the main secondary loss after Kayla was my inner peace, my hope maybe.  I guess whatever the opposite of being bitter is.  Before I lost her, I was one of those people that thought everything (ok most things) happened for a reason.  I looked for the silver lining of a bad situation.  I found blessings in disguise, or the beautiful in something ugly.  I felt that for the most part, people meant well.  But since she died, I am angry, I am pessimistic, I am negative.  I can no longer hear of someone's pregnancy announcement without thinking about all the bad things that can happen to them.

And if those bad things don't happen, I wonder why they happened to me.  When people say things, even if they aren't related to me, I scoff and think how naive they are being, or it makes me angry.  Like a friend said on Facebook that she was so blessed that God made her a wife and a mother in less than a year and she so was thankful.  I thought to myself, so if God made you those things, then he kept me from being a mother?  Why?  Why did you get it and I didn't?  I experienced it somewhat with my first loss, the secondary loss of being able to enjoy a pregnancy and have no reason to think you're not bringing this baby home.  But with Kayla I told myself all the time, millions of women have babies every day, there is no reason I shouldn't.  But then I didn't.

Before any of my losses, I of course knew miscarriages happened, and I suppose in the back of my head I knew the unthinkable happens when you go to the hospital but come home empty handed.  But before my losses, if someone announced they were pregnant, I NEVER ever thought the baby wouldn't make it home.  I never ever thought about all the terrible things that could happen.  I guess I always thought, if they're announcing now, they must be in the safe zone, and nothing bad can happen in the safe zone.

I lost my naivety.  And in some cases I believe that what you don't know cannot hurt you.  I wish I could go back to a time when I wasn't aware of what all could hurt me, when pregnant women always brought home a healthy baby, when I didn't know anyone personally that went through this tragedy, when I had never heard the words, incompetent cervix, hydrops fetalis, cord accident, pre-eclampsia, placenta previa, no heartbeat...I wish I could go back to a time when getting pregnant was a happy occasion, and not one to make you live in fear; back to a time when I didn't know of dozens of reasons why your baby might not make it home from the hospital.

I wouldn't say I lost my innocence.  I've seen enough bad stuff in my life to have lost that long ago.  But I definitely lost my optimism, and my ability to just go with things, instead of being so angry and bitter all the time.

Capture your grief-Day 16, Creative grief

There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die.  This yearning hurts so bad yet it also inspires us to get creative to do something beautiful in memory of our child.  Have you done anything in memory of your child?  

I've done a lot actually.  When I am feeling my worst, I either want to do nothing and basically just exist, or I want to put that grieving energy to use.  The first night we got home from the hospital I couldn't sleep.  I knew I needed to get everything out of my head before I could even think about sleep, so I came here and wrote down Kayla's entire birth story from start to finish.  Everything that happened, every emotion, every fear, everything beautiful about her birth and existence.  Once I was finished, I literally felt wiped out, and I was able to sleep.

A few days later, I made a video for her.  It is a montage of the pictures we had for her, starting with the pics of the positive pregnancy tests, and ending with a pic of her grave.  I set it to music and shared it with our close family and friends.  There is such an overwhelming feeling of wanting to show off your child like any parent would, and this allowed me to do that.  Despite only having her with us for a day, I had many happy photos of my pregnancy, and many memories I wanted to preserve.

My husband and I also got tattoos for her.  He got a beautiful letter K with angel wings on either side.  I got her footprint with her name and birth/death date.  We've been planning on doing a memorial garden ever since she passed, but so far the timing just hasn't been right with getting the yard ready for it.  But I've been collecting things over the last two years to put in it.  So far we've got an angel statue with an archway to go over it, some butterflies, a stone with a nice message engraved on it, a lantern with butterflies on it and of course we'll have flowers.  I cannot wait until it is finished.  We plan to do it first thing in the spring.

Capture your heart-Day 15, Wave of light

As a wave of light makes its way around the world today, we take some time out to honor and remember our children.  It is a day of sacred remembrance and awareness.  What does this community mean to you?  Where would you be without it?  What would you like to see happen in the future with this community.  Share your candles and light of hope.

The baby loss community is like a home to me.  There are millions of members I will never meet, and of the ones I do know, do not talk to on a regular basis.  But I feel safe.  I don't have to worry that anyone is judging me, or pitying me, or thinking I am making too big of a deal out of it.  When I come across another loss parent, it's like we can just look at each other and say oh, she/he gets it.

A couple months ago I stopped at my daughter's grave, and there was a utility truck right across the cemetery road doing some kind of job.  As I sat there silently with my daughter, I wondered what this man was thinking while he worked.  Did he know this was the baby section?  He must have since there is an angel child statue in the middle of the mausoleums, and the niches are all small.  Was he looking at me weird?  Was he feeling sorry for me?  Did he not care and just wanted to get his job done?

He finished up while I was still sitting there, he got back into his truck and turned around, but then stopped again and got out, and went over to one of the mausoleums and stood there for a moment in front of one of the niches.  Ooooh, I thought to myself.  He's one of us.  I'd never met this man, will probably never see him again, but as soon as I saw him walk over to one of the baby graves, I instantly felt like we had this bond.

In the future I would like to see a more blurred line between us and them.  I think it is getting better, but there is still a stark contrast between loss parents, and parents/people who have never been affected by it.  Even if a parent has never been through it, I think more and more people know someone who has, and has been vocal about it, so in a secondary way they are affected and more empathetic.  This year I've seen people share things on facebook about awareness month and October 15th who I now suspect may have had a loss, but have never opened up about it, and I've seen people sharing who I am almost certain have never had a loss, but are obviously helping to spread awareness, which I think is awesome.

Here is my rainbow, lighting (it's a battery candle) a candle for her big sister in Heaven.  I love you Kayla, we think of you every day, and we honor you today along with all of the babies gone too soon.

Old fears coming back

When Emily was a newborn, I was terrified.  I checked on her all the time, I watched her on the monitor, I slept with one eye open.  It took me about two weeks to even feel comfortable rolling over and sleeping with my back to the monitor, afraid I wouldn't hear her if she needed me.

The fear subsided some over the months, but there was still many many nights I'd have to go check on her because the monitor wasn't enough to convince me she was ok and breathing.  But now that she's older, we really only have the monitor so she can wake us up.  She's only right down the hall, but if I am asleep and both of our doors are closed, I likely wouldn't hear her.  Most nights I don't even go get the monitor until she's been in bed for a while, knowing I can easily hear her through the walls while I am awake.

Even once I wasn't nearly as scared anymore, I still went in to check on her each night before I went to bed, but now I don't even do that anymore.  Unless she needs to be covered with a blanket or something, seeing her on the monitor is good enough for me before I go to bed.  Especially because I don't want to risk waking her by going in her room.

She normally wakes me up around 8am, but it wasn't that unusual for her to still be sleeping at 8:15 when my husband got home from work.  As he crawled into bed, he looked at the monitor for a minute and asked if she was ok.  I glanced at it, said yeah, and closed my eyes again, planning on taking advantage of her late morning with a little more sleep myself.  But then my eyes opened, and I'd watch the monitor, and then close my eyes again.  Then open, and look longer.  Finally I started pushing the talk button....often just the noise of the mic coming on is enough to make her stir, but nothing.

Had my husband not said anything, I probably wouldn't have given it another thought, but now I was a little worried.  So I went in her room, and immediately noticed no noise.  Usually I can hear her breathing or even snoring a little.  I put my hand on her back but she didn't move.  I didn't feel any real obvious movements of her breathing.  Then I felt her cheek and it was cold.  Now I started to freak out, I squatted down to look at her face through the bars, and just then she sighed a deep sigh and turned her head.  Good lord, I was just on the brink of completely flipping out.  Her cheek was cold because the house had gotten down to 65 that morning so my husband turned the heat on when he got home.  But thankfully after I saw she was fine, I did get to go back to bed for a nice 45 minutes.

I am so thankful I am not scared like that all the time anymore, but damn when those fears creep back in, they come back with a vengence.  Mark that as reason #422 why I don't want another kid....I am not sure I could take those fear filled nights in the first few months again.  Oh, and reason #423, a couple weeks ago Emily and I went up north to see my dad and stepmom.  My husband didn't go, so it was just me and Em staying in our camper, which is on my dad's property.  I was laying in bed, and I noticed my stomach felt weird.  It didn't hurt, they weren't cramps.  I don't know, just a weird feeling.

Right then I thought boy am I glad I am not pregnant, and I don't have to worry that this is something bad.  That's the same way I feel when I start spotting each month, is whew, it's so nice to get my period each month, where the bleeding is expected and normal.  It's nice not to have to be terrified all the time that you're bleeding.

Ok, so on a good note.  I went to pick up Em from my inlaws tonight.  She was already in her jammies with the little grippy feet.  As I was sitting there talking to my MIL, I noticed Emily was behind my chair, playing in the dog's water dish with her foot.  So the foot of her jammies were soaked.  I squeezed out as much water as I could and cleaned up the floor, but her jammies were still damp, so I told her to go play on the carpet.  But now, she kept coming in the kitchen, and walking on their already slippery tile floor, with a wet foot.  Despite the grippy feet, boom, down she went.  It was like she was walking on ice, she'd be walking just fine, and then whoops, her foot would slip again and she'd go down again.

I'm honestly not a mean mommie, but my MIL and I were laughing so hard we were doubled over and our stomachs hurt.  It was just so funny watching her take a few steps, and boom, a few more steps and boom.  Then she started walking funny to compensate, but she would still fall.  She must have slipped over a dozen times in 5 minutes.  By the way, she fell on her diaper padded butt and laughed every time, I am not that mean that I would laugh if she were hurt.

Finally I went to my car to get my phone to record it, but then she stopped slipping.  It was seriously the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.

Capture your grief-Day 14, Express your heart

This is the day in the month where you can say whatever is on your heart that you would like.  Is there anything you were hoping would be in the month of subjects that wasn't?  I am sure there is a bunch of things.  This is your chance to share it, find your voice.  What is it that you want to express?  If you are lost for words, a subject you could write about is grief myths.  What does grief look like for you?

For today's open subject, I want to write about a fellow mom.  I don't know her, before yesterday she was a perfect stranger, but now I feel like I know exactly how she is feeling tonight.  A mutual friend of ours put us in contact because Sarah, this once stranger, received a heartbreaking fatal diagnosis about her unborn baby, and tonight she gave birth to her daughter and said goodbye to her.  Twenty four hours ago I knew nothing about this woman, and now tonight I know exactly the heartbreak and devastation she is feeling right now.

I used to think everything happens for a reason.  I still believe that to some degree.  Having your heartbroken in your twenties helps you find your true love later on, yada yada.  But I will never believe that my baby died for any reason.  I'll never believe that there was some reason that she was needed in heaven, before she even had a chance to start her life on earth.  I'll never believe that God gave me this precious gift, only to take it back and put me through the worst pain I've ever felt.  I don't believe that others go through grief, to be able to help "newbies" in grief down the road, but I do believe it is a good light that can come from darkness.

I've stood in the doorway Sarah is standing in right now, looking down a very long, pitch black road.  Unable to see any light, unknowing when or where the light will come from.  I've stood in that doorway, I've ventured down the path, and I walked and walked and walked until eventually the pitch darkness slowly began to give way to light, until I was finally walking in the daylight.  I've been down that path and made it to the other side.

It deeply pains me that this person I don't even know is just starting that journey, because I know she has such a long road of emptiness, tears, and heartache.  But it makes me happy that I can pay it forward from the lovely ladies who helped me when I was just starting down this road, and show her that there will be light again.  Others can empathize, and they can guess, but they'll never really know how this feels until they walk the road themselves, so I am grateful our lives were able to cross paths so I can try to help her, to be a soundboard for her to vent to, to tell her "I remember feeling exactly that way", and to maybe be her hope that you can get through the worst days of your life, and smile again.

Whoever is reading this now, please send out thoughts and prayers tonight to Sarah, her husband Paul and their sweet angel Dylan.

Capture your grief- Day 13, Regrets and Triggers

What are some of the regrets you have about your experience with grief so far?  Do you believe there is a way to heal that regret?  Do you have any grief triggers?  Maybe it is the pregnant woman in the store or a scent that reminds you of that time in your life.  Perhaps it is a sound, song, season, etc. Share what pulls on your heartstrings.

I can't say I really have many regrets, because there really isn't anything I could have done differently.  I was feeling crampy for a few days before I went to the hospital, I had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right, but it took me a while to really acknowledge that I was feeling that.  But had I gone to the hospital a few days earlier, would anything have been different?  I don't know.  If my water hadn't ruptured yet at that point, they might have just assumed the cramps were normal and sent me back home anyway.

Even if they saw my bag was about to rupture and that my cervix was short, I doubt an emergency cerclage or bedrest could have saved my pregnancy.  I guess if I did have any regrets, it would be that maybe if I had gone in earlier, they would have known for sure whether or not I had IC, whereas not catching me until I was actually in labor, they think it was IC, but they cannot be sure.  But even knowing for sure wouldn't really change things.  I still had the cerclage for my pregnancy with Emily, they still treated me as if I for certain had IC.

At least with not knowing, even though it could have been the infection that put me in preterm labor, it still could have been the IC, so that gave me some hope to cling to, and I felt good that it was something we could take action against.  But if I knew it was definitely the infection, I think my pregnancy would have been much more stressful, worrying that it could happen again and that there was nothing that could be done to prevent it.

In the days, weeks, and months following my loss, seeing baby girls was a trigger for me.  Especially when another co-worker brought in her one month old to work to visit, and I had just gotten back from my leave after Kayla was born.  Hearing a newborn cry sent me over the edge.  I spent the next three hours hiding out in my car, the hallway and the bathroom trying to hold back the tears.  Little girls aren't a trigger for me anymore, since obviously I live with one.  Even seeing a kid out and about that would have been Kayla's age doesn't really get me.  It just doesn't dawn on me I guess.

But if I specifically hear about a kid that is her age, like if I hear of a kid who was born in winter/spring/summer of 2013, that can be a trigger, because then it's like right in my face, that this kid is for sure her age.  When we announced we were pregnant with her, a friend of my husband's replied that his wife was also pregnant and due a couple months after me.  Fast forward to a few months ago, that same friend posted something about his 22 month old kid, and it hit me that that was the kid that was due to be born a month or two after Kayla.  And he is here, running around, talking, about to turn 2, but Kayla isn't.  So that was hard to realize.

Capture your grief-Day 12, Normalizing grief

Often while grieving we have feelings or isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn't normal.  But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way.  When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say "hey, I feel that way too".  Connecting and communicating our experiences we are able to normalize our grief for ourselves and others.  So share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common.  It might be something you do to remember your children or maybe it is something you fear.  By sharing these parts of our stories we can educate others on the grief experience.

I am a few days behind, so I'll catch up.  One of my most overwhelming emotions when I was going through my loss was anger.  I was angry at everyone and everything.  Something I felt angry about is also something I feel bad for feeling angry about, and that is when people say a loss is a loss no matter how far along.  I do agree, I agree each is devastating in their own right, but I just don't think you can put one very early loss in the same category as a stillbirth.  You just can't.  Just as, as devastated as I was to lose Kayla, I still cannot claim to know how a parent feels when their living child dies.  I love both my daughters and it was so so hard to lose Kayla, but the idea of losing Emily, my daughter who has been in my life for almost 19 months, who smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses, learns new words, walks, and chatters with me all day long....I just don't think I could even function anymore if something happened.

And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  Who am I to say whose grief is worse?  Who am I to put any sort of restriction on someone's grief when it comes to their children?  I feel like that's all life is after baby loss, is grief and guilt, grief and guilt.  

Another thing I went through was feeling superstitious.  I wouldn't say I am an overly superstitious person otherwise.  I've been known to give in to superstitions here and there, but it's not like they rule my life.  But when I was pregnant with Emily, I was so afraid to do anything that might "jinx" it.  With Kayla I packed my hospital back at around 20 weeks and ended up needing it a week and a half later, so with Emily I refused to pack it until around 35 weeks.  I wouldn't pack it until I was to a point where I would feel somewhat ok if I went into labor at that point.

The night I went into labor with Kayla, my husband and I were watching the movie, This is 40.  We never did finish it because we had to go to the hospital, and I thought about it a few times but I couldn't bring myself to watch it while I was still pregnant with Emily.  Of course I know packing a bag, and watching a movie wouldn't make me spontaneously go into labor, but I still avoided those things nonetheless.