What are some of the regrets you have about your experience with grief so far? Do you believe there is a way to heal that regret? Do you have any grief triggers? Maybe it is the pregnant woman in the store or a scent that reminds you of that time in your life. Perhaps it is a sound, song, season, etc. Share what pulls on your heartstrings.
I can't say I really have many regrets, because there really isn't anything I could have done differently. I was feeling crampy for a few days before I went to the hospital, I had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right, but it took me a while to really acknowledge that I was feeling that. But had I gone to the hospital a few days earlier, would anything have been different? I don't know. If my water hadn't ruptured yet at that point, they might have just assumed the cramps were normal and sent me back home anyway.
Even if they saw my bag was about to rupture and that my cervix was short, I doubt an emergency cerclage or bedrest could have saved my pregnancy. I guess if I did have any regrets, it would be that maybe if I had gone in earlier, they would have known for sure whether or not I had IC, whereas not catching me until I was actually in labor, they think it was IC, but they cannot be sure. But even knowing for sure wouldn't really change things. I still had the cerclage for my pregnancy with Emily, they still treated me as if I for certain had IC.
At least with not knowing, even though it could have been the infection that put me in preterm labor, it still could have been the IC, so that gave me some hope to cling to, and I felt good that it was something we could take action against. But if I knew it was definitely the infection, I think my pregnancy would have been much more stressful, worrying that it could happen again and that there was nothing that could be done to prevent it.
In the days, weeks, and months following my loss, seeing baby girls was a trigger for me. Especially when another co-worker brought in her one month old to work to visit, and I had just gotten back from my leave after Kayla was born. Hearing a newborn cry sent me over the edge. I spent the next three hours hiding out in my car, the hallway and the bathroom trying to hold back the tears. Little girls aren't a trigger for me anymore, since obviously I live with one. Even seeing a kid out and about that would have been Kayla's age doesn't really get me. It just doesn't dawn on me I guess.
But if I specifically hear about a kid that is her age, like if I hear of a kid who was born in winter/spring/summer of 2013, that can be a trigger, because then it's like right in my face, that this kid is for sure her age. When we announced we were pregnant with her, a friend of my husband's replied that his wife was also pregnant and due a couple months after me. Fast forward to a few months ago, that same friend posted something about his 22 month old kid, and it hit me that that was the kid that was due to be born a month or two after Kayla. And he is here, running around, talking, about to turn 2, but Kayla isn't. So that was hard to realize.
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