When your child dies, there are a series of secondary losses that follow. They are different for everyone. The loss of relationships, the loss of innocence, the loss of employment, etc. Share about something else that you lost when your child died. This is a perfect way for us to shine a light on the grief experience.
I was lucky to not experience a whole domino effect after we lost Kayla. But I am familiar with it since I lost my mom; I lost friends (you find out who your real friends are in time of loss), an apartment (not really a loss, I chose to move but I did so to be closer to my dad. Had my mom not died, I would have continued living where I lived), my sister-in-law (not related to my loss, but my brother and his wife separated just a month or so before my mom died) and I lost who I thought was the love of my life at the time. Most of these weren't losses relating to my mom dying, but they all happened in a short period of time and they were all changes I didn't want to deal with while also grieving for my mom.
I guess the main secondary loss after Kayla was my inner peace, my hope maybe. I guess whatever the opposite of being bitter is. Before I lost her, I was one of those people that thought everything (ok most things) happened for a reason. I looked for the silver lining of a bad situation. I found blessings in disguise, or the beautiful in something ugly. I felt that for the most part, people meant well. But since she died, I am angry, I am pessimistic, I am negative. I can no longer hear of someone's pregnancy announcement without thinking about all the bad things that can happen to them.
And if those bad things don't happen, I wonder why they happened to me. When people say things, even if they aren't related to me, I scoff and think how naive they are being, or it makes me angry. Like a friend said on Facebook that she was so blessed that God made her a wife and a mother in less than a year and she so was thankful. I thought to myself, so if God made you those things, then he kept me from being a mother? Why? Why did you get it and I didn't? I experienced it somewhat with my first loss, the secondary loss of being able to enjoy a pregnancy and have no reason to think you're not bringing this baby home. But with Kayla I told myself all the time, millions of women have babies every day, there is no reason I shouldn't. But then I didn't.
Before any of my losses, I of course knew miscarriages happened, and I suppose in the back of my head I knew the unthinkable happens when you go to the hospital but come home empty handed. But before my losses, if someone announced they were pregnant, I NEVER ever thought the baby wouldn't make it home. I never ever thought about all the terrible things that could happen. I guess I always thought, if they're announcing now, they must be in the safe zone, and nothing bad can happen in the safe zone.
I lost my naivety. And in some cases I believe that what you don't know cannot hurt you. I wish I could go back to a time when I wasn't aware of what all could hurt me, when pregnant women always brought home a healthy baby, when I didn't know anyone personally that went through this tragedy, when I had never heard the words, incompetent cervix, hydrops fetalis, cord accident, pre-eclampsia, placenta previa, no heartbeat...I wish I could go back to a time when getting pregnant was a happy occasion, and not one to make you live in fear; back to a time when I didn't know of dozens of reasons why your baby might not make it home from the hospital.
I wouldn't say I lost my innocence. I've seen enough bad stuff in my life to have lost that long ago. But I definitely lost my optimism, and my ability to just go with things, instead of being so angry and bitter all the time.
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