I was a bad cat mommy today. The electric company came to pick up our old freezer, so I had Emily in my arms, trying to feed her and direct them to the freezer in the basement. I saw our cat Vinny in the kitchen so I picked him up and put him in our bedroom, and I just assumed the noise they had made thus far had scared our other cat, Zoey, into the office so I just shut the door.
They had to take the back door off for about 10 minutes, but a few minutes later I got nervous, what if Zoey wasn't in the office? Vinny is the one we have to watch all the time to make sure he doesn't escape, and Zoey is the scardey cat that hides, but I was worried if he was hiding in the basement, he might have got scared enough to decide to abandon his hiding place and make a run for it, and with the door at the top of the stairs being off, I could see him getting confused and run outside.
I didn't want to tell my husband and worry him, he loves Zoey. He loves Vinny too, but often gets annoyed by him and Zoey is his absolute favorite. I'm kind of the same way, I LOVE Vinny, he is cute and snuggly, but Zoey is my baby. I've had him since he was a kitten, he'll be 12 this summer and he's been with me ever since I first moved out on my own into my first apartment. I'd be very sad if Vinny got out, but I would be heartbroken if Zoey got lost.
So I tried shaking some treats to get him to come out of his hiding spot, but no luck. After about 10 minutes I decided I had to tell Ryan, cause if he was outside the sooner we looked for him the better chance he'd still be in the area. We must have looked for him for almost half an hour, shaking treats and his food, calling his name. I even went outside in my PJ's looking for him and leaving some food around the backyward, I am sure the racoons thank me.
So then Ryan went outside to look around....I kept getting my hopes up when I would hear a bell jingle but it was just Vinny everytime. By now I was in tears, really worried now that he had gotten out and was gone. He has a tag that says he is an indoor cat and our phone number, and he is chipped, but still, what if someone didn't check it or didn't care and kept him, what if he got run over by a car? Finally finally I shook the food again and I heard the bell, and I went into the kitchen assuming it was Vinny but almost passed out from joy that it was Zoey, so I called Ryan and told him he was here.
Ugh, I cannot believe he hid for so long. Thankfully I'm doing a little better on the real mommy front. We've had a few good nights in a row. I've been giving her a little extra in her 11:30 bottle and then I swaddle her, rock her and/or put her in the boppy until she's asleep, and then I move her to her crib and she's been sleeping through till each feeding. She's usually awake and waiting for me for her 8:30 am feeding, but I generally have to wake her up for her 5:30 feeding and she's often too sleepy to finish it all.
My anxiety is getting a little better....I hate bedtime. I like having her with me all the time, where I can keep an eye on her and make sure she is ok. But at bedtime, all I can do is stare at the monitor and make sure she's moving, or I'll get up and actually check on her. I've debated getting something so she can sleep in our room, but I'm not sure that will help my anxiety because if I don't happen to hear her breathing, I'll still be sitting up to look at her all the time. Plus, she does so well in her crib, I hate to break that routine.
But I have been sleeping a little better, I've been able to relax a little and get a better night sleep between feedings. She's still battling what I think is gas pain. I'm not certain, it could just be fussiness, but she seems to be in real pain when she cries. She'll get this look of agony on her face, she'll scream and cry for about 30 seconds and then she'll calm down as quickly as it all started, and the whole time I can hear her belly gurgling. I called the doctor the other day and she told me of these gas drops to try. They seem to be helping but she's been really fussy today, but I am happy for a little relief anyway.
A few times now when she's screaming in pain I also sit there crying because it just breaks my heart to see her so upset and suffering and I can't do anything about it. I cannot even console her when she's that upset. The doctor also wants me to cut out dairy to see if that helps since she gets half breastmilk. I think I'll start that tomorrow, but first I wanted to see if the drops help, and then I'll cut out dairy to see if that prevents the gas.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
First ped visit
We packed Emmy up yesterday and took her to her first pediatrician appointment. Though her first trip out ever was to the mall and Target on Sunday to get a few baby supplies and order Kayla's cake. We don't plan on taking her out a lot, but I just can't sit home for the six weeks or whatever people advise. I don't think a quick trip here and there is bad, and it's definitely good for our sanity. It was fun using her stroller for the first time. This coming weekend is supposed to have a couple of days in the 50's so maybe we'll break in her jogger and take her for a walk.
The ped I originally chose ended up retiring and I didn't realize since I hadn't bothered to call and inquire since I origially did for Kayla. They said I would just need to list his name when she was born and they would contact him to come examine her. Turns out he retired about six months ago. So one of the peds that came in on rounds while we were in the hospital suggested we bring her to her office....it's not really any further from our house, just in the opposite direction from the other office, so if my dad ever has to take her when he's watching her he'll have to go twice as far, but I doubt that will be something he'll have to do often.
So I'm glad we ended up going there, I really like her doctor, she was very nice. It was sooo weird filling out the paperwork and signing as parent or guardian, and writing mother for relationship to patient. So apparently, you cannot just let a baby decide when they are hungry and want to eat. Emily sleeps so much, and if she wouldn't wake up I'd try again later. Well she's lost a whole pound since birth, and I feel bad, I'm starving my baby.
The doctor said since she was a bigger baby to start she's still in a healthy range, but we need to get her weight back up so we have to feed her on a strict schedule and wake her up whether she likes it or not. The first two feedings yesterday were awful, she would not wake up no matter what we did. We tried everything the doctor suggested, a cold wet wash cloth on her forehead, flicking her foot, making a loud noise...we even opened the door to let some cold air in. It pissed her off like the doctor said it would, but she'd just go right back to sleep.
So somehow we finally got an ounce and a half in her, and the doctor said two for each feeding but it literally took 40 minutes just for that. The second feeding we only got half an ounce in, but every feeding since then we got the full 2 ounces so she's doing better. The doctor said that's why she's been sleeping so much, because she wasn't eating enough and it was making her lethargic, but then her hunger would catch up with her at night, making her very fussy and inconsolable. She's been awake a lot more today and last night was much better. Ryan took the 2:30 am feeding and I did the 5:30 one, and then I got up for the day for her 8:30 feeding.
It's nice to see such improvement in just one day so I'm excited to see how much better she gets after a few more days of this. Still no poopy diapers since Sunday but she had a few wet ones yesterday and several more today. It was funny when I was changing her today...I got her all cleaned up, put the new diaper down and suddenly there was a gush of liquid. It took me a second to realize what was going on...it's a good thing I had the new diaper down already.
We had such a good morning today; she did really well with her 8:30 feeding and I was still a little sleepy and she looked tired too so I laid down on the couch and put her on her tummy on my chest and covered us with a blanket and we watched TV/napped for a few hours. I loooove to snuggle with her, shes such a sweetheart.
Nursing isn't going quite as planned. I am pumping about 1.5-2 ounces each time so she is at least getting breastmilk for the majority of her feedings, but so far I haven't been successful in getting her to latch and nurse from me. In the hospital she showed potential, but since I was barely producing any colostrum she didn't try real hard since she wasn't getting anything out of it. I was hoping once my milk came in she'd be more interested but it came in Sunday and so far no luck.
For one, it isn't like I pictured it to be. I thought I could just sit down, hold her, put her to the breast and she would eat. But by the time I try to get the nursing pillow situated, get her on it and at the correct angle, and try to get her to latch, she's crying and keeps pushing me away (despite putting everything else in her mouth and suckling, and despite acting like she's looking for it anytime I hold her to my chest) and I get frustrated. So admittedly, I don't try as often as I probably should, and I'm a bit sad because I did really look forward to closeness and bonding that I thought nursing would bring, but part of me is only still trying occasionally because I feel like I should, because that's the "right way" to nurse.
Honestly, I am mostly content just pumping, and supplementing with formula. I still feel incredibly bonded with her, and frankly with her losing weight, I am not sure I would be comfortable exclusively nursing from the breast anyway. My boob doesn't have measurements on it to be sure she is getting enough. Quite often when I first give her a bottle, she sucks away for a good five to ten minutes, only to pull the bottle away and see that she hadn't drank a thing. So if she were nursing at the breast I think I would also worry whether or not she was getting enough. Welcome to motherhood I suppose, where things sometimes don't turn out like you thought they would, and you're constantly plagued with what you think you should be doing rather than what you're both content and happy doing.
The ped I originally chose ended up retiring and I didn't realize since I hadn't bothered to call and inquire since I origially did for Kayla. They said I would just need to list his name when she was born and they would contact him to come examine her. Turns out he retired about six months ago. So one of the peds that came in on rounds while we were in the hospital suggested we bring her to her office....it's not really any further from our house, just in the opposite direction from the other office, so if my dad ever has to take her when he's watching her he'll have to go twice as far, but I doubt that will be something he'll have to do often.
So I'm glad we ended up going there, I really like her doctor, she was very nice. It was sooo weird filling out the paperwork and signing as parent or guardian, and writing mother for relationship to patient. So apparently, you cannot just let a baby decide when they are hungry and want to eat. Emily sleeps so much, and if she wouldn't wake up I'd try again later. Well she's lost a whole pound since birth, and I feel bad, I'm starving my baby.
The doctor said since she was a bigger baby to start she's still in a healthy range, but we need to get her weight back up so we have to feed her on a strict schedule and wake her up whether she likes it or not. The first two feedings yesterday were awful, she would not wake up no matter what we did. We tried everything the doctor suggested, a cold wet wash cloth on her forehead, flicking her foot, making a loud noise...we even opened the door to let some cold air in. It pissed her off like the doctor said it would, but she'd just go right back to sleep.
So somehow we finally got an ounce and a half in her, and the doctor said two for each feeding but it literally took 40 minutes just for that. The second feeding we only got half an ounce in, but every feeding since then we got the full 2 ounces so she's doing better. The doctor said that's why she's been sleeping so much, because she wasn't eating enough and it was making her lethargic, but then her hunger would catch up with her at night, making her very fussy and inconsolable. She's been awake a lot more today and last night was much better. Ryan took the 2:30 am feeding and I did the 5:30 one, and then I got up for the day for her 8:30 feeding.
It's nice to see such improvement in just one day so I'm excited to see how much better she gets after a few more days of this. Still no poopy diapers since Sunday but she had a few wet ones yesterday and several more today. It was funny when I was changing her today...I got her all cleaned up, put the new diaper down and suddenly there was a gush of liquid. It took me a second to realize what was going on...it's a good thing I had the new diaper down already.
We had such a good morning today; she did really well with her 8:30 feeding and I was still a little sleepy and she looked tired too so I laid down on the couch and put her on her tummy on my chest and covered us with a blanket and we watched TV/napped for a few hours. I loooove to snuggle with her, shes such a sweetheart.
Nursing isn't going quite as planned. I am pumping about 1.5-2 ounces each time so she is at least getting breastmilk for the majority of her feedings, but so far I haven't been successful in getting her to latch and nurse from me. In the hospital she showed potential, but since I was barely producing any colostrum she didn't try real hard since she wasn't getting anything out of it. I was hoping once my milk came in she'd be more interested but it came in Sunday and so far no luck.
For one, it isn't like I pictured it to be. I thought I could just sit down, hold her, put her to the breast and she would eat. But by the time I try to get the nursing pillow situated, get her on it and at the correct angle, and try to get her to latch, she's crying and keeps pushing me away (despite putting everything else in her mouth and suckling, and despite acting like she's looking for it anytime I hold her to my chest) and I get frustrated. So admittedly, I don't try as often as I probably should, and I'm a bit sad because I did really look forward to closeness and bonding that I thought nursing would bring, but part of me is only still trying occasionally because I feel like I should, because that's the "right way" to nurse.
Honestly, I am mostly content just pumping, and supplementing with formula. I still feel incredibly bonded with her, and frankly with her losing weight, I am not sure I would be comfortable exclusively nursing from the breast anyway. My boob doesn't have measurements on it to be sure she is getting enough. Quite often when I first give her a bottle, she sucks away for a good five to ten minutes, only to pull the bottle away and see that she hadn't drank a thing. So if she were nursing at the breast I think I would also worry whether or not she was getting enough. Welcome to motherhood I suppose, where things sometimes don't turn out like you thought they would, and you're constantly plagued with what you think you should be doing rather than what you're both content and happy doing.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Birth story
Our rainbow, Emily Kathryn is here and I could not love her more. Not to say I am a pro, but 99% of my fears about how to be a good mother dissapeared and I just cannot get enough of her. In fact I am kind of amazed at how scared/indifferent I was to her arrival because right now I have to stop myself from going and getting her out of her crib to cuddle her, even though it's one of the few times she's peacefully without one of us.
So while I have a few spare minutes, I'll try to get in some of her birth story. My induction was scheduled for Tuesday morning, the 18th at 6am. I didn't sleep great the night before, but better than I expected, and was happy to hear they had a bed for me when I called to confirm at 4am. So once we got to triage, they checked us in and a nurse showed us to our labor and delivery room. I had a pang of sadness when we walked by our old L&D room and there was an angel sign on the door. I felt instant heartbreak for that family, knowing the long road of hell they had just began.
So I was happy to see that our room was the opposit layout from our old room, so the deja vu wasn't too bad. Once I got changed and in bed, my nurse came in and started the IV and all that fun stuff. Around 8:30 a resident came in and checked me and I was still only dilated to 1 like I had been for weeks. I was hoping I had made some progress on my own, but wasn't surprised that I hadn't. So they put in the first miso tablet around then and I napped for a while, hoping it would work it's magic.
Just like during her NST's, her heartrate got pretty high at times so they kept coming in to have me roll from side to side to see if we could get her heart rate lowered. That was a pain because it was hard to roll over, and then they had to keep repositioning the monitor everytime they rolled me. Apparently an infection is a possible reason for her high heartrate, but since I didn't have a temperature they weren't too concerned about that. Around 1pm they said I should order lunch and they took me off the monitors and suggested I walk the halls for a bit and see if that helped. So I ordered lunch and then we walked for a bit. There wasn't much room for us to go since they were doing construction on the floor, but there were enough hallways to make a few different routes. Once lunch came we went back and I ate, and after lunch they checked me again, still at 1 and she was still pretty high, so they inserted a foley bulb with the hopes of it dilating me further.
I think it was around 4 or 5 my doctor came in and checked me again, I was dilated to 3 and the foley bulb fell out which is what it is supposed to do once it dilates you to 3, so yay, some progress. By now I was getting really tired of the cervix checks because each time they would try to help me a long by stretching my cervix by hand, and that hurt so so so bad. I was really kind of scared I would kick my doctor in the head because the pain was just so bad.
Around 6 Dr. M came in (the male doctor in the practice that I like) came in to check me, and I was kind of sitting up in bed. One of the nurses asked if he wanted me to be flat on my back and he said no as long as I was comfortable he didn't want to make me move. Whew, that was a mistake. I think it was a combo of being checked so many times and the position I was in, but this cervix check hurt 10 million times more than the others and he hadn't even really gotten to the actual check yet because I yelped and jumped. He kind of jumped too and had this startled/sad look on his face, if it hadn't hurt so bad I would have kind of felt bad because I think I really scared him and he felt bad for hurting me.
So he tried to check the cervix but after that initial pain I think my muscles clamped down and I yelped in pain some more so he stopped. By then my contractions were picking up enough to bother me, but not enough for an epi so they gave me some Stadol in my IV to help take the edge off, which it did, but also made me feel drunk, and then very sleepy so I was knocked out for about 4 hours, which was good, but then it was bad because I was now wide awake for the night. Luckily though Ryan also slept when I did, so we were both awake together.
I think he fell asleep around 2 and not long after my doctor came in to check me but after 12 hours I was still only dilated to 3, which was very defeating for me. I was certain the round the clock 2-4 minute apart contractions must have done some good by now. So I got yet another painful cervix check and my doctor broke my water while she was in there. So now in addition to being in a lot of pain, I got to experience the nasty gushes of my water oozing out for the next several hours. A few hours later another resident came in, checked me and I was still at 3, and again she tried to manually stretch me and this time I lost it and burst into tears. I just couldn't take it, I was so tired and so frustrated that I had made no progress, I didn't know how many more of these painful checks I could take and I just laid there and bawled. My husband slept through the exam and my crying which I was grateful for because I have a hard time talking when I am upset, and I didn't want him thinking something had happened and we had gotten some bad news or something.
So they gave me some more Stadol which didn't do much for the contractions anymore, but they didn't ant to give me an epi yet since I was still in the very early stages of active labor, but at least the Stadol knocked me out for a few hours. I was woken up though when they came in for another check, and still no progress. But now they said they would go ahead and order the epi. It was still early progress wise, but they said if I was in complete misery they didn't want to deny me some relief. Unfortunately it took about 2.5 hours for the anesthesiologist to come though, but I was so happy when he finally came in. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time I got it, which was a blessing. At least I could have something be a little less painful.
However a few minutes after the epi was in I could still feel the contractions just as much, though just on my left side...only now for some reason they seemed to hurt even worse only being on one side. I told my nurse, so she called anesthesia to come back. Before she did, my nurse gave my IV an injection of some kind of booster, it was like an add on to the epi in case I needed a little more, but that didn't solve the left side problem. So when someone from anesthesia came in she tried a similar tactic that was a little stronger, but still did nothing. They finally determined the epi must have bowed to the right upon insertion, thus only directing medicine to my right side, but they didn't want to remove it and redo it since they weren't the ones to place it, so they called the original doctor back.
It took him about an hour, but he finally came in to fix it but my doctor was just about to do another check so he said he would come back. Not only did the check still hurt (I was so looking forward to the exams no longer being painful once the epi was in), the anesthesiologist didn't come back for another hour and a half. So he finally got it fixed and the first time in forever I had sweet relief, no more pain! My MIL and FIL were now in the waiting room so they came in to visit and I was so happy to finally feel better.
So we visited with them for a bit and my doctor came to check me again. Still no progress, (but at least the exam was pain free) and she now was pretty sure the baby was sunny side up, which could create further problems of getting her out even if I did eventually dilate to 10 since there isn't much room for her to get out to begin with, but being flipped over she'd have even less room and possibly get stuck. So my doctor said we could wait another hour and then we'd talk C section. I never ever wanted a C section, it was always my biggest fear when it came to pregnancy and child birth but it was suddenly more appealing because I just didn't see how vaginal was going to work.
I was tired, I was done. I couldn't imagine going another few hours and making no more progress. Or worse yet, finally getting to 10, pushing for hours and then still needing a C section. On top of it all I was starving and hadn't eaten in over 12 hours. So we visited with my inlaws for a while longer and around 1:30 my doctor came back in; she checked me, as did another doctor and the nurse and they all agreed I had made no more progress and she was indeed posterior. My doctor said she was fine with me waiting a few more hours longer if I wanted, but no more than that since my water had been broken and she didn't want to go too much longer, but I said I was ok with the C section. My big thing with it was I didn't want to choose it per se if a vaginal birth was still a strong possibility. In other words, I didn't want to voluntarily do the thing I never wanted to do, just because it was now easier than waiting a few more hours for a successful vaginal birth. But my doctor pretty much assured me while it was my choice and we could wait and see, she really didn't see a vaginal birth being successful, so I said let's do it.
I immediately started shaking with fear and anticipation and started crying. On my March board on the bump, we had a "shit got real" thread to talk about that moment that shit got real that our babies were coming. Some people said when they hit 40 weeks, some said when the nursery was done, but none of that stuff did it for me. Not even checking in Tuesday morning for my induction. But in that moment, shit got real. I was now going from meeting my daughter soon, possibly in a few hours, but possibly not for another day....to right now, and it scared the shit out of me. Could I do this?
The moment I said yes to it, they handed my husband some scrubs, gave me one of those surgical hat thingies and away we went. They took me into the OR and Ryan had to wait in the hall until they were ready for him. Almost immediately the curtain went up and they began prepping me. My arms were strapped to the board and the oxygen went on. The anesthesiologist said my blood pressure was a bit low, was I feeling nauseas and I said yeah, it had actually just begun a moment before she asked. I started crying again, and my doctor came over and asked if they were tears of joy and I said yes....and she explained to the anesthesiologist that we had had two losses, one of them being a 22 week loss and how this was a long time coming, but I was just moments away from meeting my little girl. So she explained the next few things they had to do, and when they were ready they would let Ryan in.
A few minutes later they were doing all their talking to each other that they do to prep for surgery, and it sounded like they were going to start any second but Ryan wasn't in yet, so I asked if he was coming. They said yes, they just had to do a few last checks and then they would call him in, so a few minutes later he was by my side. So much of the surgery was a blur, I was scared but also so so tired, and the nausea came and went so I was trying to fight that off too. I knew I wouldn't feel any pain, but I was worried about the pressure and the pulling, but it really wasn't bad at all. As they got toward being able to pull her out, Ryan asked if he could come around the curtain for a better view. They asked if he was feeling light headed at all and he said no, so they let him back. He has a strange curiosity for these things and isn't bothered by the gross factor, he even took pictures! Ew.
So after a few minutes my doctor announced, Amy and Ryan, are you ready? Here she is! Ryan got to see her come out and as they did all of their clean up and weighing her. I was dying to see her, that was my only real regret about having a C section is I felt so disconnected from it all. I was really hoping to hold her the second she came out, but Ryan held her first of course and I didn't even get to hold her until I got to recovery about 30 minutes later. Plus as soon as she came out I got very nauseous again, the pressure and pulling of being sewn up was less tolerable than getting her out and I suddenly became very very sleepy.
The nausea was bad, I had to lie there and deeply inhale and exhale and concentrate on not throwing up. I would imagine throwing up in a lying down position, while my abdomen is being put back togther would be a very bad experience. But as soon as my doctor said she is here, I started bawling again. I was so curious as to her size, and at one point I heard someone say something about 14 20, and I was immediately thinking oh my God, they're going to have to call the national inquirer, but then I realized 20 oz isn't a real thing, so that couldn't have been the weight. A few minutes after that Ryan popped around the corner of the curtain and I got my first look at my daughter. Our gorgeous Emily Kathryn was born Wednesday March 19th at 2:20 pm weighing 8 lbs 14 oz, 20.5 inches long.
I felt very bad about it, like I was a bad mom for it, but I kept falling asleep as they were stitching me up. I tried so hard to fight it, which I don't know why, I had just been through a lot, but like I said in my confused, emotional state I felt like I was being a bad mom for taking a snooze right then. Once I was all stiched up they wheeled me to recovery but I couldn't stop shaking, both from being cold and from the emotional rollercoaster of having just had a baby. They put this space like blanket on me that inflated and warmed me up, and then I got to hold Emily.
It was a little awkward holding her because I was flat on my back and was still tired and shakey, but oh my God, I was so in love. Looking back now I cannot believe I was ever indifferent to her arrival. I love her so much, she's so precious and I sometimes am tempted to go wake her up just so I can hold her and snuggle. And while I am not super mom who knows all, most of those first time mom "I have no idea what to do with this tiny human" feelings went away. It's like I just know. And she's my baby, so if I do mess up, it's not one ele's business to tell me what to do with her.
So since my inlaws were already there, they were first to come in to see her and hold her. I had text my dad and step mom before the surgery that they should head up in about an hour. Kind of funny because my hope of having a few hours to bond and take a shower first went right out the window. I couldn't deny my inlaws the chance to see her right away knowing they were there, and there was no way I could keep my dad and stepmom from coming when my inlaws had already seen her.
So after a bit of snuggling in recovery, they wheeled me to our mother-baby room, which was sadly much smaller than our labor and delivery room. My nurse helped me try to get Emily to latch on in recovery and nurse, which she did but she never stayed latched for long, but it was a good start. Our family went and got all of our things from our L&D room and brought them to our new room, and at first I was told nothing to eat for the rest of the day, just clear liquids, but then I was told my doctor gave me the go ahead and eat, and gave me no restrictions for my diet....however the restrictions were back on the next day.
So I never got a huge, carb filled celebratory meal while there, but I have to say I rather enjoyed just looking at the menu, adding up how many carbs I could have and ordering. Our parents were so thrilled to see her and get to hold her....especially my dad, he is in love. He had to go back up north this weekend for a check up with his hand surgeon, and he's been calling me everyday to find out how the little sweetie is doing. In addition to our parents, my brother and his fiancee also came up to see her. We went back and forth on it, felt a little guilty but finally decided to send her to the nursery for the night. I hated to do it, but we were both incredibly tired and needed sleep, and like many pointed out, we would not have that luxury once we got home so we might as well take advantage of it.
So every couple of hours they brought her in to me to try nursing, but it never went very well. She showed signs of being interested, but every time she latched on, she would instantly fall asleep. The next day the LC consultant brought me a pump to use, and it became pretty evident why she wouldn't latch on for long and try. I was only producing about one or two drops of colostrum per breast, so Emily clearly didn't see the point of continuing to latch and suckle when she wasn't getting anything out of it.
Thursday was very busy, in addition to our visitors (my best friend, Ryan's best friend, my brother came again as did the grandparents, my aunt and uncle stopped by for a bit) our door was a constant revolving door of doctors and hospital admin. From LC consultants to pediatrics, to photographers to people who deal with the cord blood donation....we had 10 minutes to get the family medical history filled out because sending in the cord blood was a time sensitive thing. Then we had to fill out the birth certificate information....between visitors, doctors coming in, forms to fill out and tending to Emmy and trying to nurse/pump, I kept forgetting to order meals so I kept eating late.
My IV fell out late afternoon on Thursday, and I had to have a saline lock in in order to keep getting the epidural. I really did not want to have the IV put back in, especially when the epi was coming out the next day anyway, so I said just take the epi out now. Erg, while it had to be done, I wasn't prepared for the consequences. I had thought I was doing really well recovering wise, but the first time I got out of bed once the epi was gone I thought I was going to die, it was super super painful.
But it's gotten better day by day, and drugs help a lot. Thursday night we decided to keep her in our room, but around 1am she got really fussy. I am now pretty sure it was gas pains, but she kept getting so upset. Ryan tried to console her since he was the one that could get up and get her, but I tried some as well but it was hard being confined to bed. I tried dozing off a few times, and despite Ryan telling me to go back to sleep and he'd handle it, it was hard to sleep knowing she was in pain. So finally I got her and laid down in bed with her and had her on my chest. This was the only time she seemed at peace. Ryan eventually fell asleep around 4 but I was awake most of the night because I was afraid of dozing off and dropping her.
Ryan woke up around 8 and I had happy news to tell him, we could go home that day if we wanted. His dad bed was very uncomfortable, so he was thrilled. We could have stayed another day, or even two or three if we wanted but I was anxious to get Em to her new home so we could all try to get settled. It was another busy day with more visitors and doctors coming in, plus we were trying to get packed up so we could go. My doctor came in to check on us and see Emily. We talked for a bit about what to expect in the next few days, when I need to come back in to check my inscision, we talked about Kayla and just how special Emily's arrival was. The three of us got a picture with her, and she gave me a hug and I told her how happy I was that she was the one to delivery her and she said she wouldn't have had it any other way.
So finally we were given the ok to be discharged, we packed up all of our stuff and we were on our way home. It was kind of scary driving home, we both kind of felt as if we needed a big sign on our car, like hey, don't get too close, don't tailgate us, don't you know we have a brand new baby in the car? On the way home we stopped at the cemetery and left the flowers my dad brought us at Kayla's grave, and then we got McDonalds for my luxury meal, complete with a shamrock shake of course. Once we were home, my brother stopped over for a bit to see us, and then I got super tired. We put Emily in her crib and I went and took a nap for a couple of hours. It was pretty scary to have her in her big crib all by herself, but Ryan had to monitor so I felt pretty safe to go to sleep. A few hours later I woke to the sound of her crying and Ryan running in to check on her.
That night was kind of rough, she had bouts of inconsolable crying again like the night before in the hospital. I ended up sleeping on the couch with her on my chest. The next night was much of the same, but luckily last night was better. No real crying fits and she only woke up twice in the night for feedings and snuggles. Tonight might be another bad night, she'd been awake since 9pm and has been quite fussy.
But despite lack of sleep and the long nights, she is the best thing that ever happened to us and I cannot believe how in love I am. I am not perfect, and I don't always know what to do....I might sometimes use the collar of her shirt to wipe her mouth, or accidently lol her head to the side when I pick her up, but I am so amazed at how mother's instinct kicks in and for the most part you just know what to do. Sometimes I just sit and stare at her, anmored with all of the little squeaks and wiggles and faces she makes, and I cannot believe how lucky I am that she is mine.
So it took me a few days to write this. Today is Kayla's first angelversary...I woke up pretty sad, and cried the whole time I changed Emily and got her ready for the day. After taking Emily to the ped we picked up balloons and a cake and went to the cemetery and released the balloons for Kayla. We had hoped we'd be able to get Emily to grab the string for a second so she could "release" a balloon, but it was pretty chilly and she was cying so we threw a blanket over her carseat and we just released them, put the new stuffy at the grave and got out of there, and then came home and light a candle on the cake and we both blew it out.
Emily can never replace Kayla, but I acknowledge how much easier this last year has been as we've awaited her arrival. Whether in Heaven or on earth, I love both my daughter's so unbelievably much and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have gotten these two beautiful creatures to call mine. I love you Kayla, I love you Emily.
And now for some pics
So while I have a few spare minutes, I'll try to get in some of her birth story. My induction was scheduled for Tuesday morning, the 18th at 6am. I didn't sleep great the night before, but better than I expected, and was happy to hear they had a bed for me when I called to confirm at 4am. So once we got to triage, they checked us in and a nurse showed us to our labor and delivery room. I had a pang of sadness when we walked by our old L&D room and there was an angel sign on the door. I felt instant heartbreak for that family, knowing the long road of hell they had just began.
So I was happy to see that our room was the opposit layout from our old room, so the deja vu wasn't too bad. Once I got changed and in bed, my nurse came in and started the IV and all that fun stuff. Around 8:30 a resident came in and checked me and I was still only dilated to 1 like I had been for weeks. I was hoping I had made some progress on my own, but wasn't surprised that I hadn't. So they put in the first miso tablet around then and I napped for a while, hoping it would work it's magic.
Just like during her NST's, her heartrate got pretty high at times so they kept coming in to have me roll from side to side to see if we could get her heart rate lowered. That was a pain because it was hard to roll over, and then they had to keep repositioning the monitor everytime they rolled me. Apparently an infection is a possible reason for her high heartrate, but since I didn't have a temperature they weren't too concerned about that. Around 1pm they said I should order lunch and they took me off the monitors and suggested I walk the halls for a bit and see if that helped. So I ordered lunch and then we walked for a bit. There wasn't much room for us to go since they were doing construction on the floor, but there were enough hallways to make a few different routes. Once lunch came we went back and I ate, and after lunch they checked me again, still at 1 and she was still pretty high, so they inserted a foley bulb with the hopes of it dilating me further.
I think it was around 4 or 5 my doctor came in and checked me again, I was dilated to 3 and the foley bulb fell out which is what it is supposed to do once it dilates you to 3, so yay, some progress. By now I was getting really tired of the cervix checks because each time they would try to help me a long by stretching my cervix by hand, and that hurt so so so bad. I was really kind of scared I would kick my doctor in the head because the pain was just so bad.
Around 6 Dr. M came in (the male doctor in the practice that I like) came in to check me, and I was kind of sitting up in bed. One of the nurses asked if he wanted me to be flat on my back and he said no as long as I was comfortable he didn't want to make me move. Whew, that was a mistake. I think it was a combo of being checked so many times and the position I was in, but this cervix check hurt 10 million times more than the others and he hadn't even really gotten to the actual check yet because I yelped and jumped. He kind of jumped too and had this startled/sad look on his face, if it hadn't hurt so bad I would have kind of felt bad because I think I really scared him and he felt bad for hurting me.
So he tried to check the cervix but after that initial pain I think my muscles clamped down and I yelped in pain some more so he stopped. By then my contractions were picking up enough to bother me, but not enough for an epi so they gave me some Stadol in my IV to help take the edge off, which it did, but also made me feel drunk, and then very sleepy so I was knocked out for about 4 hours, which was good, but then it was bad because I was now wide awake for the night. Luckily though Ryan also slept when I did, so we were both awake together.
I think he fell asleep around 2 and not long after my doctor came in to check me but after 12 hours I was still only dilated to 3, which was very defeating for me. I was certain the round the clock 2-4 minute apart contractions must have done some good by now. So I got yet another painful cervix check and my doctor broke my water while she was in there. So now in addition to being in a lot of pain, I got to experience the nasty gushes of my water oozing out for the next several hours. A few hours later another resident came in, checked me and I was still at 3, and again she tried to manually stretch me and this time I lost it and burst into tears. I just couldn't take it, I was so tired and so frustrated that I had made no progress, I didn't know how many more of these painful checks I could take and I just laid there and bawled. My husband slept through the exam and my crying which I was grateful for because I have a hard time talking when I am upset, and I didn't want him thinking something had happened and we had gotten some bad news or something.
So they gave me some more Stadol which didn't do much for the contractions anymore, but they didn't ant to give me an epi yet since I was still in the very early stages of active labor, but at least the Stadol knocked me out for a few hours. I was woken up though when they came in for another check, and still no progress. But now they said they would go ahead and order the epi. It was still early progress wise, but they said if I was in complete misery they didn't want to deny me some relief. Unfortunately it took about 2.5 hours for the anesthesiologist to come though, but I was so happy when he finally came in. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time I got it, which was a blessing. At least I could have something be a little less painful.
However a few minutes after the epi was in I could still feel the contractions just as much, though just on my left side...only now for some reason they seemed to hurt even worse only being on one side. I told my nurse, so she called anesthesia to come back. Before she did, my nurse gave my IV an injection of some kind of booster, it was like an add on to the epi in case I needed a little more, but that didn't solve the left side problem. So when someone from anesthesia came in she tried a similar tactic that was a little stronger, but still did nothing. They finally determined the epi must have bowed to the right upon insertion, thus only directing medicine to my right side, but they didn't want to remove it and redo it since they weren't the ones to place it, so they called the original doctor back.
It took him about an hour, but he finally came in to fix it but my doctor was just about to do another check so he said he would come back. Not only did the check still hurt (I was so looking forward to the exams no longer being painful once the epi was in), the anesthesiologist didn't come back for another hour and a half. So he finally got it fixed and the first time in forever I had sweet relief, no more pain! My MIL and FIL were now in the waiting room so they came in to visit and I was so happy to finally feel better.
So we visited with them for a bit and my doctor came to check me again. Still no progress, (but at least the exam was pain free) and she now was pretty sure the baby was sunny side up, which could create further problems of getting her out even if I did eventually dilate to 10 since there isn't much room for her to get out to begin with, but being flipped over she'd have even less room and possibly get stuck. So my doctor said we could wait another hour and then we'd talk C section. I never ever wanted a C section, it was always my biggest fear when it came to pregnancy and child birth but it was suddenly more appealing because I just didn't see how vaginal was going to work.
I was tired, I was done. I couldn't imagine going another few hours and making no more progress. Or worse yet, finally getting to 10, pushing for hours and then still needing a C section. On top of it all I was starving and hadn't eaten in over 12 hours. So we visited with my inlaws for a while longer and around 1:30 my doctor came back in; she checked me, as did another doctor and the nurse and they all agreed I had made no more progress and she was indeed posterior. My doctor said she was fine with me waiting a few more hours longer if I wanted, but no more than that since my water had been broken and she didn't want to go too much longer, but I said I was ok with the C section. My big thing with it was I didn't want to choose it per se if a vaginal birth was still a strong possibility. In other words, I didn't want to voluntarily do the thing I never wanted to do, just because it was now easier than waiting a few more hours for a successful vaginal birth. But my doctor pretty much assured me while it was my choice and we could wait and see, she really didn't see a vaginal birth being successful, so I said let's do it.
I immediately started shaking with fear and anticipation and started crying. On my March board on the bump, we had a "shit got real" thread to talk about that moment that shit got real that our babies were coming. Some people said when they hit 40 weeks, some said when the nursery was done, but none of that stuff did it for me. Not even checking in Tuesday morning for my induction. But in that moment, shit got real. I was now going from meeting my daughter soon, possibly in a few hours, but possibly not for another day....to right now, and it scared the shit out of me. Could I do this?
The moment I said yes to it, they handed my husband some scrubs, gave me one of those surgical hat thingies and away we went. They took me into the OR and Ryan had to wait in the hall until they were ready for him. Almost immediately the curtain went up and they began prepping me. My arms were strapped to the board and the oxygen went on. The anesthesiologist said my blood pressure was a bit low, was I feeling nauseas and I said yeah, it had actually just begun a moment before she asked. I started crying again, and my doctor came over and asked if they were tears of joy and I said yes....and she explained to the anesthesiologist that we had had two losses, one of them being a 22 week loss and how this was a long time coming, but I was just moments away from meeting my little girl. So she explained the next few things they had to do, and when they were ready they would let Ryan in.
A few minutes later they were doing all their talking to each other that they do to prep for surgery, and it sounded like they were going to start any second but Ryan wasn't in yet, so I asked if he was coming. They said yes, they just had to do a few last checks and then they would call him in, so a few minutes later he was by my side. So much of the surgery was a blur, I was scared but also so so tired, and the nausea came and went so I was trying to fight that off too. I knew I wouldn't feel any pain, but I was worried about the pressure and the pulling, but it really wasn't bad at all. As they got toward being able to pull her out, Ryan asked if he could come around the curtain for a better view. They asked if he was feeling light headed at all and he said no, so they let him back. He has a strange curiosity for these things and isn't bothered by the gross factor, he even took pictures! Ew.
So after a few minutes my doctor announced, Amy and Ryan, are you ready? Here she is! Ryan got to see her come out and as they did all of their clean up and weighing her. I was dying to see her, that was my only real regret about having a C section is I felt so disconnected from it all. I was really hoping to hold her the second she came out, but Ryan held her first of course and I didn't even get to hold her until I got to recovery about 30 minutes later. Plus as soon as she came out I got very nauseous again, the pressure and pulling of being sewn up was less tolerable than getting her out and I suddenly became very very sleepy.
The nausea was bad, I had to lie there and deeply inhale and exhale and concentrate on not throwing up. I would imagine throwing up in a lying down position, while my abdomen is being put back togther would be a very bad experience. But as soon as my doctor said she is here, I started bawling again. I was so curious as to her size, and at one point I heard someone say something about 14 20, and I was immediately thinking oh my God, they're going to have to call the national inquirer, but then I realized 20 oz isn't a real thing, so that couldn't have been the weight. A few minutes after that Ryan popped around the corner of the curtain and I got my first look at my daughter. Our gorgeous Emily Kathryn was born Wednesday March 19th at 2:20 pm weighing 8 lbs 14 oz, 20.5 inches long.
I felt very bad about it, like I was a bad mom for it, but I kept falling asleep as they were stitching me up. I tried so hard to fight it, which I don't know why, I had just been through a lot, but like I said in my confused, emotional state I felt like I was being a bad mom for taking a snooze right then. Once I was all stiched up they wheeled me to recovery but I couldn't stop shaking, both from being cold and from the emotional rollercoaster of having just had a baby. They put this space like blanket on me that inflated and warmed me up, and then I got to hold Emily.
It was a little awkward holding her because I was flat on my back and was still tired and shakey, but oh my God, I was so in love. Looking back now I cannot believe I was ever indifferent to her arrival. I love her so much, she's so precious and I sometimes am tempted to go wake her up just so I can hold her and snuggle. And while I am not super mom who knows all, most of those first time mom "I have no idea what to do with this tiny human" feelings went away. It's like I just know. And she's my baby, so if I do mess up, it's not one ele's business to tell me what to do with her.
So since my inlaws were already there, they were first to come in to see her and hold her. I had text my dad and step mom before the surgery that they should head up in about an hour. Kind of funny because my hope of having a few hours to bond and take a shower first went right out the window. I couldn't deny my inlaws the chance to see her right away knowing they were there, and there was no way I could keep my dad and stepmom from coming when my inlaws had already seen her.
So after a bit of snuggling in recovery, they wheeled me to our mother-baby room, which was sadly much smaller than our labor and delivery room. My nurse helped me try to get Emily to latch on in recovery and nurse, which she did but she never stayed latched for long, but it was a good start. Our family went and got all of our things from our L&D room and brought them to our new room, and at first I was told nothing to eat for the rest of the day, just clear liquids, but then I was told my doctor gave me the go ahead and eat, and gave me no restrictions for my diet....however the restrictions were back on the next day.
So I never got a huge, carb filled celebratory meal while there, but I have to say I rather enjoyed just looking at the menu, adding up how many carbs I could have and ordering. Our parents were so thrilled to see her and get to hold her....especially my dad, he is in love. He had to go back up north this weekend for a check up with his hand surgeon, and he's been calling me everyday to find out how the little sweetie is doing. In addition to our parents, my brother and his fiancee also came up to see her. We went back and forth on it, felt a little guilty but finally decided to send her to the nursery for the night. I hated to do it, but we were both incredibly tired and needed sleep, and like many pointed out, we would not have that luxury once we got home so we might as well take advantage of it.
So every couple of hours they brought her in to me to try nursing, but it never went very well. She showed signs of being interested, but every time she latched on, she would instantly fall asleep. The next day the LC consultant brought me a pump to use, and it became pretty evident why she wouldn't latch on for long and try. I was only producing about one or two drops of colostrum per breast, so Emily clearly didn't see the point of continuing to latch and suckle when she wasn't getting anything out of it.
Thursday was very busy, in addition to our visitors (my best friend, Ryan's best friend, my brother came again as did the grandparents, my aunt and uncle stopped by for a bit) our door was a constant revolving door of doctors and hospital admin. From LC consultants to pediatrics, to photographers to people who deal with the cord blood donation....we had 10 minutes to get the family medical history filled out because sending in the cord blood was a time sensitive thing. Then we had to fill out the birth certificate information....between visitors, doctors coming in, forms to fill out and tending to Emmy and trying to nurse/pump, I kept forgetting to order meals so I kept eating late.
My IV fell out late afternoon on Thursday, and I had to have a saline lock in in order to keep getting the epidural. I really did not want to have the IV put back in, especially when the epi was coming out the next day anyway, so I said just take the epi out now. Erg, while it had to be done, I wasn't prepared for the consequences. I had thought I was doing really well recovering wise, but the first time I got out of bed once the epi was gone I thought I was going to die, it was super super painful.
But it's gotten better day by day, and drugs help a lot. Thursday night we decided to keep her in our room, but around 1am she got really fussy. I am now pretty sure it was gas pains, but she kept getting so upset. Ryan tried to console her since he was the one that could get up and get her, but I tried some as well but it was hard being confined to bed. I tried dozing off a few times, and despite Ryan telling me to go back to sleep and he'd handle it, it was hard to sleep knowing she was in pain. So finally I got her and laid down in bed with her and had her on my chest. This was the only time she seemed at peace. Ryan eventually fell asleep around 4 but I was awake most of the night because I was afraid of dozing off and dropping her.
Ryan woke up around 8 and I had happy news to tell him, we could go home that day if we wanted. His dad bed was very uncomfortable, so he was thrilled. We could have stayed another day, or even two or three if we wanted but I was anxious to get Em to her new home so we could all try to get settled. It was another busy day with more visitors and doctors coming in, plus we were trying to get packed up so we could go. My doctor came in to check on us and see Emily. We talked for a bit about what to expect in the next few days, when I need to come back in to check my inscision, we talked about Kayla and just how special Emily's arrival was. The three of us got a picture with her, and she gave me a hug and I told her how happy I was that she was the one to delivery her and she said she wouldn't have had it any other way.
So finally we were given the ok to be discharged, we packed up all of our stuff and we were on our way home. It was kind of scary driving home, we both kind of felt as if we needed a big sign on our car, like hey, don't get too close, don't tailgate us, don't you know we have a brand new baby in the car? On the way home we stopped at the cemetery and left the flowers my dad brought us at Kayla's grave, and then we got McDonalds for my luxury meal, complete with a shamrock shake of course. Once we were home, my brother stopped over for a bit to see us, and then I got super tired. We put Emily in her crib and I went and took a nap for a couple of hours. It was pretty scary to have her in her big crib all by herself, but Ryan had to monitor so I felt pretty safe to go to sleep. A few hours later I woke to the sound of her crying and Ryan running in to check on her.
That night was kind of rough, she had bouts of inconsolable crying again like the night before in the hospital. I ended up sleeping on the couch with her on my chest. The next night was much of the same, but luckily last night was better. No real crying fits and she only woke up twice in the night for feedings and snuggles. Tonight might be another bad night, she'd been awake since 9pm and has been quite fussy.
But despite lack of sleep and the long nights, she is the best thing that ever happened to us and I cannot believe how in love I am. I am not perfect, and I don't always know what to do....I might sometimes use the collar of her shirt to wipe her mouth, or accidently lol her head to the side when I pick her up, but I am so amazed at how mother's instinct kicks in and for the most part you just know what to do. Sometimes I just sit and stare at her, anmored with all of the little squeaks and wiggles and faces she makes, and I cannot believe how lucky I am that she is mine.
So it took me a few days to write this. Today is Kayla's first angelversary...I woke up pretty sad, and cried the whole time I changed Emily and got her ready for the day. After taking Emily to the ped we picked up balloons and a cake and went to the cemetery and released the balloons for Kayla. We had hoped we'd be able to get Emily to grab the string for a second so she could "release" a balloon, but it was pretty chilly and she was cying so we threw a blanket over her carseat and we just released them, put the new stuffy at the grave and got out of there, and then came home and light a candle on the cake and we both blew it out.
Emily can never replace Kayla, but I acknowledge how much easier this last year has been as we've awaited her arrival. Whether in Heaven or on earth, I love both my daughter's so unbelievably much and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have gotten these two beautiful creatures to call mine. I love you Kayla, I love you Emily.
And now for some pics
Friday, March 14, 2014
Last appointment- 39 wks 1 day
Ok so yesterday wasn't my last post. I guess I just can't stay away. Today was nice for my first day of leave. I slept in until 9, then got ready and went to my last appointment. I didn't realize I would be seeing the doctor today, but I was happy to see that it was my favorite one, Dr. P. I like Dr. G a lot, but everytime I see Dr. P I'm reminded how just much I like her and how at ease I am with her.
So she checked my cervix, I'm still only dilated to one, boooo! So she suspects the induction could be a rather long process. But, she also said I could surprise everyone and it could be quick. Seems like everything in the obstetrical world is "definitely this".....or this. So while she was doing the exam, she said she'd try to help me out some but she wasn't going to strip my membranes. I'm assuming she tried to manually dilate me a little more like I've heard of some doctors doing. Wowza did that ever hurt. It was almost right up there with getting fisted to get the placenta out.
She said she is on call all weekend, so if my water were to break or contractions picked up (was contracting on the monitor about every 4 minutes but I couldn't feel them) to not hesitate to call and come in. I asked her, if I was sure I needed to come in, should I still call first and she said either way but it's perfectly fine to call. I love that she doesn't make you feel bad, or discourage you from calling even if it's the middle of the night. It makes me happy to know she's the one on call all weekend and she's on the first two days of my induction.
So I find it kind of ironic that all pregnancy I was so worried about Boo coming too soon, but now it seems that she doesn't want to come out. After that my NST didn't go so well, she kept moving away from the monitor; the nurse finally found it again but after she left she would move away and move back every few minutes, and then the machine ran out of paper so there was a good 15 minutes where not much data was recorded. Finally she had me roll on my side which helped, but I was so uncomfortable. Lately sometimes laying down gives me the worst pelvic cramps, so I had to stay kind of scrunched up to avoid them and it was an awkward position.
Finally the other nurse came back in but said I'd probably need a BPP since her movements weren't very reactive, but a few of the more recents ones were, so she took it to the doctor to check and he said they were ok. But by then it was too late to meet my dad for lunch before his PT appt, so I went and had lunch by myself at one of my favorite places. Then I went to Target....I got Kayla a card for her angelversary. It was hard, so many of them didn't work since they're obviously talking about a living child, so I got a little choked up in the card aisle. But I finally found one that worked, and score, it was one of those ones that are covered in plastic so we can take it out to the cemetery and it won't get ruined by any moisture.
After that I got a pedicure and now I'm home relaxing. In a little bit my husband and I are going out for our last date night....dinner somewhere and a comedy show. Should be a nice night.
So she checked my cervix, I'm still only dilated to one, boooo! So she suspects the induction could be a rather long process. But, she also said I could surprise everyone and it could be quick. Seems like everything in the obstetrical world is "definitely this".....or this. So while she was doing the exam, she said she'd try to help me out some but she wasn't going to strip my membranes. I'm assuming she tried to manually dilate me a little more like I've heard of some doctors doing. Wowza did that ever hurt. It was almost right up there with getting fisted to get the placenta out.
She said she is on call all weekend, so if my water were to break or contractions picked up (was contracting on the monitor about every 4 minutes but I couldn't feel them) to not hesitate to call and come in. I asked her, if I was sure I needed to come in, should I still call first and she said either way but it's perfectly fine to call. I love that she doesn't make you feel bad, or discourage you from calling even if it's the middle of the night. It makes me happy to know she's the one on call all weekend and she's on the first two days of my induction.
So I find it kind of ironic that all pregnancy I was so worried about Boo coming too soon, but now it seems that she doesn't want to come out. After that my NST didn't go so well, she kept moving away from the monitor; the nurse finally found it again but after she left she would move away and move back every few minutes, and then the machine ran out of paper so there was a good 15 minutes where not much data was recorded. Finally she had me roll on my side which helped, but I was so uncomfortable. Lately sometimes laying down gives me the worst pelvic cramps, so I had to stay kind of scrunched up to avoid them and it was an awkward position.
Finally the other nurse came back in but said I'd probably need a BPP since her movements weren't very reactive, but a few of the more recents ones were, so she took it to the doctor to check and he said they were ok. But by then it was too late to meet my dad for lunch before his PT appt, so I went and had lunch by myself at one of my favorite places. Then I went to Target....I got Kayla a card for her angelversary. It was hard, so many of them didn't work since they're obviously talking about a living child, so I got a little choked up in the card aisle. But I finally found one that worked, and score, it was one of those ones that are covered in plastic so we can take it out to the cemetery and it won't get ruined by any moisture.
After that I got a pedicure and now I'm home relaxing. In a little bit my husband and I are going out for our last date night....dinner somewhere and a comedy show. Should be a nice night.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
I'm Free! 39 weeks
This is how I feel today:
Today was my last day of work, I am officially free until June! Yesterday was pretty good, I wasn't very sleepy and my brother and SIL came to pick me up to have lunch, so it was nice to get away from my desk for a bit. But today was very long and I dozed off a few times. Oddly enough though, I did more work this week than I have in quite a while. I would have thought I would slack big time. I am so glad they messed up my paperwork and put today as my last day. I cannot even fathom going in tomorrow.
Everytime I get up and walk my crotch hurts so bad. Once I'm walking it gets better, but those initial few steps are terrible. I'm so happy I get to be at home now and be comfortable until Tuesday. Tomorrow is my last NST and I'm going to try to have lunch with my dad before he goes to his physical therapy appointment. Then I guess just back home to relax. If tickets are still available we might try to catch a comedy show tomorrow night. I was going to buy them in advance, but I didn't want to waste the money and then be told at my appointment tomorrow that they're inducing now.
I'm trying to spend time with people this last week before Boo comes, because I know I'll be very tired and conversations will be hard to carry on once she's here. Monday we had my inlaws over for dinner, and we just ordered pizza. Normally we cook but it was nice to just relax and visit with them until the pizza arrived. Had lunch with my brother and SIL, tomorrow is lunch with my dad, and Saturday I plan to go to my best friend's house for a little bit. Sunday Ryan has a 5K, and we normally go out to breakfast afterwards.
Monday I'm having the carseat inspected and we need to order Kayla's cake, so maybe I can talk my husband into going shopping for her new stuffed animal for the year as well. So it sounds nice to have a little something planned each day, but to still have plenty of time to relax too and then Tuesday is the big day! Yikes! Since my meltdown the other day, I'm feeling better about it all. I realized every new parent has these worries, and mine are amplified since losing Kayla. But I really cannot wait to meet her. My friend and pregnancy buddy had her rainbow the other day, he's so adorable. I'm kind of glad she went first because seeing him is making me really excited to meet Boo.
So to end what is likely my last entry as a pregnant woman, here is my very last belly pic!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Breakdown- 38 wks 3 days
I just had a major breakdown and all I can really say as to why is because I am 38 weeks pregnant and my husband snapped at me. That's not really why though. Yeah him snapping at me was the spark that triggered it, but then it all came pouring out and I couldn't stop crying.
I think it's a combination of, I don't feel well, I'm having a baby next week, I'm scared, I'm excited, and I miss my angel all rolled into one big emotional mess. Everyone keeps saying, "you're so close, how exciting", "maybe she'll come sooner", "it's almost time, are you so excited to meet her?", and I have to put on a happy face and pretend to be that ecstatic mother who cannot wait, but in reality I don't know what I am.
When I feel something that could be a sign of labor I get excited, and I definitely cannot wait to meet her in the hospital....but after that I don't know. I'm scared. I've never taken a baby home from the hospital, I've never had to take care of one even while in the hospital. Losing Kayla was one of the most painful and scariest things I've ever been through, but now the idea of a live, needy, dependent baby who relies on us for everything does not sound much less scary.
And that makes me feel like the shittiest mom in the world. Of course I can't wait for her to be here...but at the same time I can. It's all unknown and I am scared to death. I don't know if I am explaining myself very well, I just know I don't feel like other loss mom's seem to feel. They all sound over the moon about meeting their rainbow and taking their baby home. I also feel guilty because I know there are tons of loss moms who would give anything to be pregnant with their rainbow and be days away from meeting them...and here I am, feeling uncertain and scared rather than excited like I feel I should be.
I'm sure it will all change when I see her, but right now I am not wishing away days between now and my induction day.
I think it's a combination of, I don't feel well, I'm having a baby next week, I'm scared, I'm excited, and I miss my angel all rolled into one big emotional mess. Everyone keeps saying, "you're so close, how exciting", "maybe she'll come sooner", "it's almost time, are you so excited to meet her?", and I have to put on a happy face and pretend to be that ecstatic mother who cannot wait, but in reality I don't know what I am.
When I feel something that could be a sign of labor I get excited, and I definitely cannot wait to meet her in the hospital....but after that I don't know. I'm scared. I've never taken a baby home from the hospital, I've never had to take care of one even while in the hospital. Losing Kayla was one of the most painful and scariest things I've ever been through, but now the idea of a live, needy, dependent baby who relies on us for everything does not sound much less scary.
And that makes me feel like the shittiest mom in the world. Of course I can't wait for her to be here...but at the same time I can. It's all unknown and I am scared to death. I don't know if I am explaining myself very well, I just know I don't feel like other loss mom's seem to feel. They all sound over the moon about meeting their rainbow and taking their baby home. I also feel guilty because I know there are tons of loss moms who would give anything to be pregnant with their rainbow and be days away from meeting them...and here I am, feeling uncertain and scared rather than excited like I feel I should be.
I'm sure it will all change when I see her, but right now I am not wishing away days between now and my induction day.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Push presents- 38 wks 2 days
I hung out with my brother last night....it was nice, since he moved a little further away and is working more, I don't see him much. It was fun to get one last night in before I won't be able to carry on a conversation because my little one will be dependent on me 24/7. We went to Target because I fell asleep earlier and didn't make it there, went to dinner and then came back to our house and watched a few episodes of Dexter since he never finished watching when the show was still on.
So one of the many topics we talked about was gifts, and how gift happy the world has become. Nobody can do anything for anyone anymore without there being a gift expected for it....not saying that the individual person who does something for someone else expects a gift, but in society in general it seems like gifts have become the norm for everything and it drives me crazy. Your loved ones threw you a baby shower? You better buy them some gifts. Your labor and delivery nurse was super sweet and did her job, don't forget a tray of cookies or homemade treat baskets for the entire nursing staff. You found the love of your life, spent a lot of money on rings for each other, not to mention whatever you spend on the wedding and honeymoon itself? Don't forget the traditional bride and groom gifts to each other.
I hate it, it's stupid. Not everything calls for a gift. Yes, be gracious, be appreciative, but I feel like all of these gift giving events are done purely out of obligation and you don't want to be that person that doesn't do it. My family and friends spent a lot of time, money and put a lot of thought into our shower to make sure it was everything we wanted. I wrote them each a very heartfelt thank you note, and gave them each a small heartshaped box of chocolates as a thank you. I wanted them to know how much we appreciated it, and the chocolates was a little something extra, but I think cost no more than $5each.
But I hear of women buying their hostesses $40 and up spa packages, gift baskets, and the like. I feel like it kind of takes away from the original gift. Like it takes away the meaning of their gift if I feel obligated to give a gift in return. They didn't throw me a shower in order to get a gift out of it, they did it because they love us and love our baby and wanted to celebrate with us.
So among the topics of gifts was push presents. Let me just say, I loathe the idea of a push presents. Apparently my brother told his fiancee about this, so she messaged me today, telling me I absolutely deserve a push present and Ryan should get me something; citing how I spent the last 9 months in discomfort and pain, and then I still have to go through the pain and emotional rolleroaster of actually giving birth.
Um, yeah, first of all there is no greater gift than holding my baby safely in my arms, and getting to take her home. I would imagine even women who have not been through a loss feel this amazing gratitude that their little one is here safe, but after waiting three years and losing two, there is no way I can deny how lucky we will be to finally have our rainbow baby. Secondly, I'm a woman. I have the parts, therefore it's up to me. I don't think I deserve anything for doing something that I chose to do. It's not my husband's fault that women have the babies, nor is it his obligation to give me a gift to "make up for" my misery. I much more appreciate him cleaning the toilet because I'm still puking and puking into a smelly toilet is pure hell. Or the fact that he'll come to bed and rub my back for a few minutes and make sure I am covered up because I am freezing after kicking my blankets off. Or the fact that he'll come home after working 24 hours straight and shovel and salt the walkway to my car at 3 in the morning to make sure his huge pregnant wife isn't at risk of slipping on the ice on her way to work. He'll also clean all of the shoes away from the door and put just my shoes on the mat so I don't have to search for my shoes and trip over the others on the way out the door.
All of this means so much more to me than him handing me a piece of jewelry because I did the things that millions of other women have done, and did what my body was made to do. That being said, for our anniversary we were going to buy each other gifts this year, as we usually don't. My husband loves tanzanite and had always wanted to buy me a tanzanite ring, so I found a beautiful one with three stones, which I thought was an awesome representation of our three babies. He wanted a nice watch, but we weren't able to find one he liked in our price range.
It turns out his friend has one he is willing to sell him for the exact price of the ring, but we just haven't gotten around to purchasing them so we decided to try to do that soon. I guess some may look at this and say, um, that's a push present. But to me it's the meaning behind it. I love the idea of us each having something to symbolize this new journey we're about to take together, rather than "I pushed out a baby therefore I am entitled to a new piece of jewlery". For years to come when he wears his watch and I wear the ring, we'll think of this time in our lives.
Right after we found out we were pregnant with Kayla, my husband bought me a necklace that was a slightly belated anniversary gift that year. So even though it wasn't about her per se, it's special to me because of when I got it, and when I look at it, it reminds me of Kayla and how happy we were when we bought it.
Anyway, that's just my little rant of the day. I'm off to clean....my nesting rampage was quickly undone in the last few weeks while I've been sick, so I need to get this house back in order.
So one of the many topics we talked about was gifts, and how gift happy the world has become. Nobody can do anything for anyone anymore without there being a gift expected for it....not saying that the individual person who does something for someone else expects a gift, but in society in general it seems like gifts have become the norm for everything and it drives me crazy. Your loved ones threw you a baby shower? You better buy them some gifts. Your labor and delivery nurse was super sweet and did her job, don't forget a tray of cookies or homemade treat baskets for the entire nursing staff. You found the love of your life, spent a lot of money on rings for each other, not to mention whatever you spend on the wedding and honeymoon itself? Don't forget the traditional bride and groom gifts to each other.
I hate it, it's stupid. Not everything calls for a gift. Yes, be gracious, be appreciative, but I feel like all of these gift giving events are done purely out of obligation and you don't want to be that person that doesn't do it. My family and friends spent a lot of time, money and put a lot of thought into our shower to make sure it was everything we wanted. I wrote them each a very heartfelt thank you note, and gave them each a small heartshaped box of chocolates as a thank you. I wanted them to know how much we appreciated it, and the chocolates was a little something extra, but I think cost no more than $5each.
But I hear of women buying their hostesses $40 and up spa packages, gift baskets, and the like. I feel like it kind of takes away from the original gift. Like it takes away the meaning of their gift if I feel obligated to give a gift in return. They didn't throw me a shower in order to get a gift out of it, they did it because they love us and love our baby and wanted to celebrate with us.
So among the topics of gifts was push presents. Let me just say, I loathe the idea of a push presents. Apparently my brother told his fiancee about this, so she messaged me today, telling me I absolutely deserve a push present and Ryan should get me something; citing how I spent the last 9 months in discomfort and pain, and then I still have to go through the pain and emotional rolleroaster of actually giving birth.
Um, yeah, first of all there is no greater gift than holding my baby safely in my arms, and getting to take her home. I would imagine even women who have not been through a loss feel this amazing gratitude that their little one is here safe, but after waiting three years and losing two, there is no way I can deny how lucky we will be to finally have our rainbow baby. Secondly, I'm a woman. I have the parts, therefore it's up to me. I don't think I deserve anything for doing something that I chose to do. It's not my husband's fault that women have the babies, nor is it his obligation to give me a gift to "make up for" my misery. I much more appreciate him cleaning the toilet because I'm still puking and puking into a smelly toilet is pure hell. Or the fact that he'll come to bed and rub my back for a few minutes and make sure I am covered up because I am freezing after kicking my blankets off. Or the fact that he'll come home after working 24 hours straight and shovel and salt the walkway to my car at 3 in the morning to make sure his huge pregnant wife isn't at risk of slipping on the ice on her way to work. He'll also clean all of the shoes away from the door and put just my shoes on the mat so I don't have to search for my shoes and trip over the others on the way out the door.
All of this means so much more to me than him handing me a piece of jewelry because I did the things that millions of other women have done, and did what my body was made to do. That being said, for our anniversary we were going to buy each other gifts this year, as we usually don't. My husband loves tanzanite and had always wanted to buy me a tanzanite ring, so I found a beautiful one with three stones, which I thought was an awesome representation of our three babies. He wanted a nice watch, but we weren't able to find one he liked in our price range.
It turns out his friend has one he is willing to sell him for the exact price of the ring, but we just haven't gotten around to purchasing them so we decided to try to do that soon. I guess some may look at this and say, um, that's a push present. But to me it's the meaning behind it. I love the idea of us each having something to symbolize this new journey we're about to take together, rather than "I pushed out a baby therefore I am entitled to a new piece of jewlery". For years to come when he wears his watch and I wear the ring, we'll think of this time in our lives.
Right after we found out we were pregnant with Kayla, my husband bought me a necklace that was a slightly belated anniversary gift that year. So even though it wasn't about her per se, it's special to me because of when I got it, and when I look at it, it reminds me of Kayla and how happy we were when we bought it.
Anyway, that's just my little rant of the day. I'm off to clean....my nesting rampage was quickly undone in the last few weeks while I've been sick, so I need to get this house back in order.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
What a day- 37 wks 5 days
First, I ran across an thread on the bump talking about the horror stories of using Cytotec for inductions. I thought to myself, wow I'm glad they'll be using Misoprostol for me, but then I decided to google. Yep, same thing. So then I spent a while googling and finding scary story after scary story...of course all from blogs, baby websites and even a lawyer website (yeah, what was I thinking) but they got to me.
Basically they were saying it's this horrible drug that can cause both fetal and maternal death. So I talked to my doctor about it and first she jokingly scolded me for googling and believing stuff online. She assured me it is safe and the only thing they use for cervical ripening (my hospital doesn't use Cervadil) and she reminded me that all births, no matter how routine and natural carry some risk with them.
So we talked a bit more and she printed off some info for me to take home and read from the ACOG (American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology). I just read it a little bit ago....basically it says there is considerable amount of clinical data and published reports support its safety when used appropriately. I'd say that is the big thing right there, many of these horror stories was probably the result of not using it properly (a higher dose than 25 mcg more than 3-6 hours, use of it for induction when the patient has had a previous C section, and following its use with Pitocin less than 4 hours after the last dose of Cytotec).
I'm still a little freaked out, but I feel a lot better after talking to her and reading what she gave me. I mean afterall, nothing spreads faster than horror stories about a drug that can kill you and your baby. I did it myself, after reading all I did on the interweb, I promptly texted a few friends saying "oh my God they're using this drug on me that could kill me", without actually knowing any factual information from a reputable source. But, it does all change the way I feel about being induced. Before I was kind of cool with it; it sounded nice to have one last weekend before THE day, go to the hospital cool, calm, and collected and begin to prepare to meet my girl. But now I'm thinking it wouldn't be so bad if I went into labor on my own before then. I mean if it happens it happens, but I do feel a lot better after talking to her. I trust my doctor and I trust my hospital.
So last week I said my pelvic bones were hurting; it felt like I had been on a horse for too long, or did too many squats. It was just a general nagging soreness....but then today I was getting ready to leave work to go to the doctor and suddenly the pain shifted to my crotch, and basically felt like I fell on a pole crotch first....or like I was sitting on a bike without the seat. It was much more tolerable when sitting down, but when I first get up and walk I was in a lot of pain. I was so glad I was on my way to the doctor.
So I had her check me, I was convinced her head was like right there, but I'm only dilated to 1 and my cervix is still pretty long and high. It's better than the fingertip dilation I had last week, but still, I was hoping for more like 2-4. Especially after I had a few hours of cramping last night in which at least an hour of it was timeable around 10 minutes apart. A far cry from the 3 minutes apart it would need to be, but still I thought maybe some progress. It's all pretty meaningless anyway....I could be at 1 for days, and then suddenly shoot up to 8 or 10 in a matter of hours, or I could be at 1 and gradually climb over a few days. But being a little more dilated would have been good for morale, haha. Especially after the pain I was in today...
So then my doctor wasn't thrilled with my NST. She didn't do terrible, but for once she wasn't going crazy so my doctor decided a BPP (Biophysical Profile) was in order. It's basically just a detailed ultrasound looking for adequate fluid, movement, HR acceleration, muscle tone and breathing episodes. It's this last one that Boo failed. She didn't have any adequate breathing episodes in the 30 minutes....the tech said she started to a few times, but then she would wiggle around so she couldn't get the consecutive 30 seconds she needed to pass the test. So tomorrow I have to go back for another NST and possible BPP. I didn't ask, but I'm assuming if she doesn't pass tomorrow then they would make the decision to possibly induce now. So I'm hoping she passes tomorrow, I don't think I'm ready for induction just yet.
I scared my poor husband when I told him she failed, I think he's convinced something is really wrong. But really, thats why they repeat the test. She only didn't practice breathing in that one half hour that we were watching in 24 hours. More than likely she'll pass the NST and not even need the BPP again. I'm kind of happy about getting out of work early again. Next week is my last, so every second I can work less is good with me.
But I have to say, after months of freaking out every time I cramp, praying it will go away soon and praying my cervix is long and closed, it feels good to be rooting for dilation, and to welcome the cramps, hoping it means I'm progressing and getting closer to the end. Up until last week I was uncomfortable but could still go the next few weeks....but if this pole up the vag feeling decides to stick around, then I'm ready to be done.
Basically they were saying it's this horrible drug that can cause both fetal and maternal death. So I talked to my doctor about it and first she jokingly scolded me for googling and believing stuff online. She assured me it is safe and the only thing they use for cervical ripening (my hospital doesn't use Cervadil) and she reminded me that all births, no matter how routine and natural carry some risk with them.
So we talked a bit more and she printed off some info for me to take home and read from the ACOG (American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology). I just read it a little bit ago....basically it says there is considerable amount of clinical data and published reports support its safety when used appropriately. I'd say that is the big thing right there, many of these horror stories was probably the result of not using it properly (a higher dose than 25 mcg more than 3-6 hours, use of it for induction when the patient has had a previous C section, and following its use with Pitocin less than 4 hours after the last dose of Cytotec).
I'm still a little freaked out, but I feel a lot better after talking to her and reading what she gave me. I mean afterall, nothing spreads faster than horror stories about a drug that can kill you and your baby. I did it myself, after reading all I did on the interweb, I promptly texted a few friends saying "oh my God they're using this drug on me that could kill me", without actually knowing any factual information from a reputable source. But, it does all change the way I feel about being induced. Before I was kind of cool with it; it sounded nice to have one last weekend before THE day, go to the hospital cool, calm, and collected and begin to prepare to meet my girl. But now I'm thinking it wouldn't be so bad if I went into labor on my own before then. I mean if it happens it happens, but I do feel a lot better after talking to her. I trust my doctor and I trust my hospital.
So last week I said my pelvic bones were hurting; it felt like I had been on a horse for too long, or did too many squats. It was just a general nagging soreness....but then today I was getting ready to leave work to go to the doctor and suddenly the pain shifted to my crotch, and basically felt like I fell on a pole crotch first....or like I was sitting on a bike without the seat. It was much more tolerable when sitting down, but when I first get up and walk I was in a lot of pain. I was so glad I was on my way to the doctor.
So I had her check me, I was convinced her head was like right there, but I'm only dilated to 1 and my cervix is still pretty long and high. It's better than the fingertip dilation I had last week, but still, I was hoping for more like 2-4. Especially after I had a few hours of cramping last night in which at least an hour of it was timeable around 10 minutes apart. A far cry from the 3 minutes apart it would need to be, but still I thought maybe some progress. It's all pretty meaningless anyway....I could be at 1 for days, and then suddenly shoot up to 8 or 10 in a matter of hours, or I could be at 1 and gradually climb over a few days. But being a little more dilated would have been good for morale, haha. Especially after the pain I was in today...
So then my doctor wasn't thrilled with my NST. She didn't do terrible, but for once she wasn't going crazy so my doctor decided a BPP (Biophysical Profile) was in order. It's basically just a detailed ultrasound looking for adequate fluid, movement, HR acceleration, muscle tone and breathing episodes. It's this last one that Boo failed. She didn't have any adequate breathing episodes in the 30 minutes....the tech said she started to a few times, but then she would wiggle around so she couldn't get the consecutive 30 seconds she needed to pass the test. So tomorrow I have to go back for another NST and possible BPP. I didn't ask, but I'm assuming if she doesn't pass tomorrow then they would make the decision to possibly induce now. So I'm hoping she passes tomorrow, I don't think I'm ready for induction just yet.
I scared my poor husband when I told him she failed, I think he's convinced something is really wrong. But really, thats why they repeat the test. She only didn't practice breathing in that one half hour that we were watching in 24 hours. More than likely she'll pass the NST and not even need the BPP again. I'm kind of happy about getting out of work early again. Next week is my last, so every second I can work less is good with me.
But I have to say, after months of freaking out every time I cramp, praying it will go away soon and praying my cervix is long and closed, it feels good to be rooting for dilation, and to welcome the cramps, hoping it means I'm progressing and getting closer to the end. Up until last week I was uncomfortable but could still go the next few weeks....but if this pole up the vag feeling decides to stick around, then I'm ready to be done.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The nursery is done- 37 wks 3 days
Nothing like waiting until the last minute, but the nursery is finally done. It's such a relief, and a weight off my shoulders. I still wouldn't mind if she waits until her induction date or very close to it, but at least I don't feel the panic of not having a room ready for her if she were to come earlier.
I still have a few odds and ends things to put away, and Ryan needs to install the ceiling fan and mount the video monitor to the wall, but I am really in no huge rush for those. I would like them to be done before she comes, but I don't feel the pressing need like the crib and the dresser. Now I can relax and watch Oscar garbage on TV. I'm not really a fan of award shows and I think there is way too much hype over them, but it's only 6:30pm and it sounds really good to just spend the rest of the evening lounging on the couch, watching Oscar crap until The Walking Dead comes on.
I still have tomorrow off too; best decision I've made in a long time. I get to sleep in, and I really don't have much to do tomorrow. Ryan and I are going to try to get our Tdap shots. I've been trying for a while now....for some reason I thought my OB would give it to me, and then I realized time had gotten away from me and I needed to ask about it, but they don't carry it. So I went to Target but they didn't have just the whooping cough, they only had Tdap. They thought it was probably fine, but they wanted me to check with my doctor to make sure the other two components were safe to get while pregnant.
So when I got the ok from my doctor, I went back but they were out of stock....the next day I was going to get it I was really sick with my cold and didn't feel like adding a sore arm to my symptoms. So I went back yesterday, I slowly shopped for an hour because they said it would be a little while since they were pretty swamped. When it was finally time to get it, there was an issue with my insurance. My company, while in Michigan, is based in Florida so my insurance is through Florida and for some reason they couldn't bill my insurance since it was out of state.
So I didn't get it, figuring I'd just go to my PCP tomorrow. But my husband still needs his so we're just going to go back to Target tomorrow, pay cash and hope my insurance will reimburse us. Maybe we can grab lunch while we're out and find something fun to do and make a day of it. Even when we don't really do anything special, I love days like that where he and I just spend a few hours out and about together.
So here are some pics of the nursery....I am so happy with it, it is just how I always pictured it and I think Boo will love it. Or I hope so anyway. I think I managed to create a good balance of girly, but not "hosed down" in girly princess pink. Hopefully I'm not the only one that thinks that, haha.
I still have a few odds and ends things to put away, and Ryan needs to install the ceiling fan and mount the video monitor to the wall, but I am really in no huge rush for those. I would like them to be done before she comes, but I don't feel the pressing need like the crib and the dresser. Now I can relax and watch Oscar garbage on TV. I'm not really a fan of award shows and I think there is way too much hype over them, but it's only 6:30pm and it sounds really good to just spend the rest of the evening lounging on the couch, watching Oscar crap until The Walking Dead comes on.
I still have tomorrow off too; best decision I've made in a long time. I get to sleep in, and I really don't have much to do tomorrow. Ryan and I are going to try to get our Tdap shots. I've been trying for a while now....for some reason I thought my OB would give it to me, and then I realized time had gotten away from me and I needed to ask about it, but they don't carry it. So I went to Target but they didn't have just the whooping cough, they only had Tdap. They thought it was probably fine, but they wanted me to check with my doctor to make sure the other two components were safe to get while pregnant.
So when I got the ok from my doctor, I went back but they were out of stock....the next day I was going to get it I was really sick with my cold and didn't feel like adding a sore arm to my symptoms. So I went back yesterday, I slowly shopped for an hour because they said it would be a little while since they were pretty swamped. When it was finally time to get it, there was an issue with my insurance. My company, while in Michigan, is based in Florida so my insurance is through Florida and for some reason they couldn't bill my insurance since it was out of state.
So I didn't get it, figuring I'd just go to my PCP tomorrow. But my husband still needs his so we're just going to go back to Target tomorrow, pay cash and hope my insurance will reimburse us. Maybe we can grab lunch while we're out and find something fun to do and make a day of it. Even when we don't really do anything special, I love days like that where he and I just spend a few hours out and about together.
So here are some pics of the nursery....I am so happy with it, it is just how I always pictured it and I think Boo will love it. Or I hope so anyway. I think I managed to create a good balance of girly, but not "hosed down" in girly princess pink. Hopefully I'm not the only one that thinks that, haha.
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