I just had a major breakdown and all I can really say as to why is because I am 38 weeks pregnant and my husband snapped at me. That's not really why though. Yeah him snapping at me was the spark that triggered it, but then it all came pouring out and I couldn't stop crying.
I think it's a combination of, I don't feel well, I'm having a baby next week, I'm scared, I'm excited, and I miss my angel all rolled into one big emotional mess. Everyone keeps saying, "you're so close, how exciting", "maybe she'll come sooner", "it's almost time, are you so excited to meet her?", and I have to put on a happy face and pretend to be that ecstatic mother who cannot wait, but in reality I don't know what I am.
When I feel something that could be a sign of labor I get excited, and I definitely cannot wait to meet her in the hospital....but after that I don't know. I'm scared. I've never taken a baby home from the hospital, I've never had to take care of one even while in the hospital. Losing Kayla was one of the most painful and scariest things I've ever been through, but now the idea of a live, needy, dependent baby who relies on us for everything does not sound much less scary.
And that makes me feel like the shittiest mom in the world. Of course I can't wait for her to be here...but at the same time I can. It's all unknown and I am scared to death. I don't know if I am explaining myself very well, I just know I don't feel like other loss mom's seem to feel. They all sound over the moon about meeting their rainbow and taking their baby home. I also feel guilty because I know there are tons of loss moms who would give anything to be pregnant with their rainbow and be days away from meeting them...and here I am, feeling uncertain and scared rather than excited like I feel I should be.
I'm sure it will all change when I see her, but right now I am not wishing away days between now and my induction day.
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