Why must you toy with me? I had a temperature spike on Thursday morning, pretty much indicating I Od on Wednesday which is when I think I did. However the next day my temp dropped some. It was ok, if they went back up I would get CHs today confirming O on Wednesday. But they didn't. On Friday they dropped a little, and today they dropped a little more. What the hell? So I played around with every dummy temp I could possibly think of, but nothing will give me CHs.
I went through this last month too, I had a spike when I thought I Od but then because of one erroneous dip I didn't get CHs until like 5 days later. But it's bugging me that no matter what I do I can't get CHs with dummy temps this time. I know I just have to wait it out and see what happens. No matter what my chart says or doesn't say, I will know soon enough next week I guess. I will either get a BFP or my period, and if neither of those show, then I guess I didn't O at all. I took an OPK this morning just in case and the test line was very light. I guess I had better start doing one a day just in case that last surge was a fake out and I have still yet to O. I thought about going to the doctor for a progesterone draw, but aside from giving me an answer sooner than later, it's not really worth the money. It's won't make me O, and in less than a week I'll know. Continuing to temp and use OPKs should hopefully catch another surge if there is one (if I haven't already had another) in order to get it on again.
I did a chart overlay with last months chart, and it looks very similar. I had a drop, and then the temps climbed again. The spike that indicated O is almost identical to this month. So hopefully my temps just got jacked up somehow and I did O....and will be pregnant. I do have to wonder if my bite guard has made a difference. Some nights I wear it, some nights I don't and some nights I start off wearing it and take it out at some point in the night. So hopefully that is to blame for my wonky temps. The bite guard definitely seems to be helping my jaw, so if I am still here next month, I'll have to be more consistent with wearing it and see if I can see a clearer pattern in my temps. The last 7 temps in purple (for this month) are dummy temps. Below is a link to my chart if anyone wants to see it without the overlay.
Well I didn't O yesterday. My temp rose some today but not enough. I know there is still a chance I will O today. FF says I could O between CD17 and 21; today is 21. But I am a nervous wreck, I guess if I don't O today then that means I only geared up and then didn't.
I know it's possible, I hear about it all the time on TB, but so far when I've had a positive OPK, I ovulate. Plus with my crazy blazing one on Sunday and the pain I was having, I am really certain I'm going to O, but it makes me so scared to be on the last day possible.
It also worries me that my cycle could be slowly getting back to its old ways. I am not sure when I Od my first cycle postpartum, but last month was CD19....this month will hopefully be CD21 or later. I'm just worried it will get later and later and then not happen at all like before. But I am now on my full dosage of 1500mg of metformin a day, so that should be helping me if my body is starting to fail on its own. And should the metformin not work either, I am sure it's only a matter of time before my RE would give clomid a try, so at least there is light at the end of the tunnel, we are not completely on our own like we were a year ago.
So now I will think positively. My surge was a smidge longer this cycle than usual. I was expecting my positives to keep up through out Saturday and Sunday and then go negative sometime Sunday evening but they stayed positive through out Sunday night and went negative sometime between 7am and noon on Monday. If I normally O two days after my last positive, then I suppose Oing today is still on par. It's also possible that I Od yesterday and my temps are just screwed up. They went down yesterday, but I had woken up to pee 30 minutes before I temp, so I went back to bed for an hour and temped then. So who knows if yesterday's temp is even remotely right. If anything, I would have thought my faux pas would have caused it to be incorrectly high instead of low, but ya never know.
We also had good timing. So if I O today, our timing will be O-4, O-3, and O-1. That's not bad at all....in theory I would love to get another one in tonight, but that's not going to happen. I'm exhausted.
Besides, it only takes once. For our first pregnancy, our timing was O-2, that was it. For our second, it was O-3, and O....so I feel pretty confident with our timing. I do wish I could swap the O-4 for a O-2 or O, but if I had to do it all over again, there is no way I could have gotten a positive on Saturday and NOT have done it.
So it's time to think of something fun. A few weeks ago my husband informed me that when we get pregnant again, he wants to be told in a fun way again. I have two ideas....the one was an idea for if I had gotten a BFP right before Father's Day. On Mother's Day Ryan had written a really sweet message in my card as if it was from Kayla, and I had planned to do the same. But had I gotten a BFP last cycle, I had planned to also include in the message that she has a new brother or sister on the way.
Of course I didn't get to do that....I still could, just leave a note for him that was "written by her" but I am not sure if that's weird. If I could have done it with the Father's Day card, I thought it was totally adorable and sweet, but just a random note? I'm not sure.
My other idea is to copy off how he proposed to me. He had left a big box (think the size that a crock pot might come in) wrapped in red paper in the corner of the living room. I asked what it was and he said he didn't know, and told me to check it out. When I opened it, I found a smaller box inside surrounded by packing peanuts. I opened that one, and there was yet another box....you get the idea, about 2 boxes later I finally got to my ring.
So I was thinking I could do the same, and the final box would be like a box of candy, like the ones you get from the movie theater....so like a final little trick to throw him off, he would think all of that would be to surprise him with candy, but then instead of the candy inside, it would be the pee stick. I would of course have to put the candy aside and still give it to him, despite being thrilled when we get a BFP, I know he would be a bit bummed about there being no candy. I think I am leaning more toward that idea...it's more work, but I'm just not sure how I feel about the note idea. Plus I think it would be fun to put together and watch him open.
I never thought I would say this, but I have found myself questioning my faith lately. Not in the sense that I am not sure I believe in God, but I'm just really questioning why things are and how they happen.
I've talked a lot in here how I don't believe God makes bad things happen. I don't believe God sits up on His throne and says, "That baby is going to die....that 5 year old is going to get cancer....that man is going to die in a car crash the day after his wedding". I just think things happen, partly due to people's choices and free will, but partly because they just do. Diseases happen, accidents happen, I don't know why.
On the same token, I kind of also believe God doesn't make good things happen. I mean sometimes I do....like if a person falls 10 stories and survives....I'd say that's a miracle and I believe in them. Or at least I like the idea of believing in miracles. My faith wants me to believe in miracles, but then my rational thought kicks in and I have so many questions. Why does one miracle happen but not another? Why would one baby survive being born at 22 weeks but our baby didn't? I know there is the blanket answer of "God works in mysterious ways", but I do concede that there may be a bigger picture. We don't know how saving that baby may affect so many others things in life's chain of events.
Ryan told me today that God only gives you what you can handle. But why? So because I am strong and can get through it, I deserve to have my mom die young, my babies? But someone who is weak and needy gets to skate through life with no major tragedies? How does that make any sense at all? The big question I've been wondering lately is about praying. If I don't think God controls the puppet strings of life, then why pray? But I do pray....I prayed for my pregnancy all the time, when someone is hurting I pray for them, when I am worried about someone I love I pray for them. But if I don't believe God makes things happen or not happen, then what good does praying do?
I've gotten angry a lot when it comes to religion lately. My anger isn't at God per se, but maybe it is more surrounding my confusion of it all. I get annoyed when people praise God for helping them with something so menial. Like when someone says they prayed to Jesus and they won Survivor. Or last night, we were watching that idiot tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't hoping he would fall, and it would have been horrible and sad....but nobody held a gun to his head. This was his bright idea to do, so it annoyed me with each step he was thanking God and praising God for controlling the winds, and helping the wire calm down, and for giving him the strength to do that.
Call me a cynic, but I think God has a lot more important stuff to deal with than some fool willingly walking a tightrope in which the tiniest slip would send him plummeting to his death, and I certainly don't think God cares whether or not you win a "reality" TV show.
I feel like a bad person and a bad christian for my doubts and questions. I do believe in God, without a doubt. I feel very comforted when I think of a higher power, and that someone is watching over me. A calmness comes over me when I think of Heaven, and my mom and grandparents and my babies all waiting for me there someday. But I just have so many questions, and nothing makes sense to me. Maybe I need to think less, and have more faith.
This is going to be a long 2WW. I am so freaking excited and optimistic I can barely stand it. So after my blazing OPK yesterday, I had weird pains all day. Normally my O pains are in a very specific spot (always on the right for as long as I actually know when I O....is my left one just for decoration?) and sharp jabs of pain.
But all day yesterday the pain was more spread out and kind of went into my back as well....the best way I can describe it is it felt like someone was firmly squeezing my ovary. It also felt a little bit like when you wake up and have to pee soo bad it hurts. Then I rememberd, and thanks to my awesome note-taking in FF, I had that very same pain the cycle I got pregnant with Kayla. My OPK then too was super positive, meaning the test line was clearly positive the moment the urine passed over it.
So of course, I have to wonder what this means. Is this a "stronger" ovulation than most months? Or does it mean nothing at all? Regardless, I am so so proud of my body for Oing three months in a row. Well, I haven't Od yet, but I finally got a negative OPK around noon today (this morning's was still positive) so I am thinking I'll O today or tomorrow. Each month that I O, I just sit and stare at my positive OPKs in disbelief that my body is doing what it's supposed to. Positive OPKs are so pretty....though not as drop dead gorgeous as a positive HPT :)
So, one of my favorite past times is putting in dummy temps to see what my chart might do. If I O today or tomorrow and get pregnant, our EDD would be March 17th or 18th. Yikes...that is just one week before Kayla's angelversary. It makes me very nervous, but maybe having a baby in March would be a good thing, to turn a sad month into a happy one.
However, I'll take a March due date over having, say another summer due date and trying to get through the month of March without losing my mind from fear. My FIL is at our house right now painting the nursery. Ryan and I both agreed it was too sad to leave it unfinished so Joe volunteered to paint it for us. Thank goodness too, we're the worst painters in the world. I had thought it would be a good idea, but now that I know it will likely be done or almost done when I get home, I'm a little unsure how it will make me feel.
But, it's got to be painted sometime, and doing it once we're already pregnant makes me nervous. I am afraid I would never feel we're "safe" enough to go ahead and do it. In case it isn't apparent, I am very superticious.
My MIL bought this for Kayla's grave, and gave it to me at the funeral. Every time it spins, I like to think that it's her, letting me know she is there. I stopped at her grave today for a few minutes, and the pinwheel was still the whole time. But just as I was leaving I told her bye and I loved her, and the pinwheel started spinning. Here is a video of it on another day.
I got my hair cut today and I am so happy to feel pretty again. When Jacquelyn first took me back she was all smiles, I think expecting to hear that I had my baby. So she asked how I was and I said not so good, we lost our baby. I got choked up....it was really kind of the first time I had to tell anyone. I told some people via text or instant messenger, facebook told the majority of people and friends and family spread the news. I did have to tell HR, but that was over the phone. I believe this was the first time I told someone in person, who had no clue what had happened.
I almost started crying but I pulled it in. She said she was so sorry and she gave me a hug and asked what happened. So the worst was over, that was the part I was dreading. She did say a few things that stung a bit...saying that she firmly believes that everything happens for a reason and God has his reasons for everything He does. That's great if she believes that, but I don't and it doesn't help me.
The problem with that theory is that it implies blame. Why would God do this to us if it weren't some sort of punishment? Even going to the other end of the spectrum, to the idea that God did that it to spare us, or spare her from future suffering. I've said it before, that makes no sense. Plenty of people suffer in the world, you cannot kill them all to spare suffering down the road. It's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. They say losing a child is the worst pain a person can experience in their life....why would God put me through this pain now, to save me or us some other pain down the road. That makes no sense. Here I gave you all this pain, to save you from pain? Um.....
Or the idea that God took her because it "wasn't the right time". Well if it wasn't the right time, then why did He allow it to happen in the first place? Even if this were THE possible worst time in the world for us to have a child, then why do teenagers have babies? Why are babies given to people who beat and torture them? Doesn't seem like the right time for them to have a kid. I read a story the other day, about what a woman allowed her boyfriend to do to her 4 month old daughter. It's so vile and disgusting I can't even type the words, but yet God took my baby because it wasn't the right time, or we would't be good enough parents?
I get what Jacquelyn was saying in a way....I often try to find the good things in life, the silver lining. I often have experienced a bad thing, only to realize later on it was a blessing in disguise. Like that break up that you thought you would never surivive, only to meet the love of your life years later. That house you were out bid on, only to find your dream home months later. That job you were forced to quit, and go on to find an even better job you never would have persued if you were still at the job you thought you were comfortable at. Those are all things that have silver linings to be revealed later, those are things that happen for a reason.
But days, weeks, months or years from now, I will never, EVER look back and say, "well I am glad our baby died because life is so much better than if she were here". Yes it will be a very strange feeling, once we have our rainbow and we are head over heels in love with them and cannot imagine our life without them....it will be a hard pill to swallow, and deal with the knowledge that that precious baby that we love and adore wouldn't be there if Kayla was. We can't have both, and it will hurt to know that if Kayla had lived, we won't someday have the baby we'll have. But no matter how much we will love our rainbow, we will never be happy that Kayla died. Even though we cannot have them both in the same lifetime, there will always be enough room in our hearts to love them both.
But, I am more forgiving of people when they say things like that, when they didn't have a lot of time to absorb the news and respond. I've also noticed I have a harder time being mad when someone I like says something hurtful. Err....I can still be mad, but I would have a harder time confronting them or telling them what they said doesn't help me, than if it were to come from someone I don't like. I daydream of someone I dislike, saying something stupid, and catching me in the right mood so I can rip into them. Of course it's not often that I can actually respond in a way I want to at the time, as seen when that asshat at work was shocked that we named our daughter.
So the good news of the day, my OPKs were getting a little darker last night and this morning, and both the wondfo and digi were positive this afternoon. However oddly enough, they were both negative this evening. I only have three other cycles as reference, but my surge in those cycles lasted almost 48 hours, so I am really confused that this one would only last around 6 hours or less.
ETA: Well my OPKs (both wondfo and digi) were both positive again at 11p last night. I have no idea what was up with the negatives earlier. This morning the wondfo was super duper positive, lol....meaning it was clearly a blazing positive before a minute was even up on the timer. I'm a happy girl :)
Today was much better. And it's Friday! I am all manicured and pedicured....in a few I have to go touch up my roots because we're getting family pics done with the inlaws tomorrow. I am a little sad that we won't have a baby in our arms, but that just means we'll have to go get them done again when we do. My dad wants to have pics done this fall, so maybe I'll be pregnant and have a little tummy for those pics.
I'm going to go off on a tangent for a minute and say, I really loved being pregnant. Like not just because it was supposed to result in a baby, but I loved my little tummy. I loved how I felt walking around because I am certain I had that glow. I loved when people would look at me because they knew I was pregnant. Since I went into the pregnancy at a much higher weight than I wanted to, I worried that I would never get the cute bump, that I would always just look fat, but then even fatter than usual.
But by 16-18 weeks my non-baby belly started poking out into the cutest little round baby belly. I loved it....I am so glad I took the weekly pictures. It's still too painful to look at them now, but I will always cherish them, knowing my little girl was in there. On a sad note though, in the days after delivery I still felt what felt exactly like kicks. My doctor said they were likely psychosomatic and other women agreed that they felt them too after delivery. Well here I am, almost three months later and I am still feeling them. They no longer feel like actual kicks, but the flutters you get when you just start feeling movement. I hate them because they make me sad, knowing it's not my little pumpkin making that feeling.
But it also worries me....what if they never go away? When I get pregnant again, am I going to still feel them? How will I know if I am feeling real kicks or whatever these are?
So anyway, I survived seeing my nail lady. One down, one to go....I see my hair stylist tomorrow. I hadn't seen either one since we lost Kayla, so I was really nervous to go in and have to tell them or talk about it. I wasn't as nervous about seeing Kristin....we hadn't talked much about the fact that we were TTC, and the last time I went I did tell her I was pregnant but it was a quick congrats and then we moved on to something else. So I was pretty confident if I didn't say anything, she wouldn't either. I've been going to her for a few years now, so she likely remembered that I was pregnant last time, but since I didn't say anything, nether did she. Maybe she saw my tattoo and put two and two together....though it's not obvious it's a memorial tattoo.
When I told her how far along I was last time (20 weeks) she said, "so into the safe zone". So maybe she has experience with loss, and when I didn't say "I had a baby"! when she asked what was new, maybe she figured it didn't end well.
Tomorrow is the appointment I am really nervous about though. I've been going to Jacquelyn for years as well, but she and I talked about our TTC all the time. She knew how long we had been trying, that we were having troubles, about our first loss, etc. The last time I saw her I was 18 weeks, just a few days before we found out the sex and she was bummed I hadn't come in the weekend after so I could tell her what I was having. So I am certain she will remember and it will come up since we talked about it so much. I told her I was due in July, but by now I am sure she has forgotten exactly when I was due. So when she sees me tomorrow she'll likely assume I already had her.
I really don't mind talking about it, and I am happy to educate people on loss....she even had a loss, around 11 weeks I think. But I am just nervous about that first minute of seeing her. I'm worried she'll have a huge smile on her face and be like, so what did you have? And then have to say that we lost her. The stupid part is, the part that makes me really nervous is when you first break the bad news, and having to deal with THEIR discomfort. I shouldn't be worried about it, but their discomfort makes me uncomfortable. But yet if she says nothing at all, that will be awkward too, though I am sure that won't happen. Maybe I'll just bite the bullet and tell her right off if she doesn't say anything about it to break the ice.
So my temp dropped this morning and FF took my CHs away. I was sort of happy about that, maybe I'll still O soon and have a shot this month. But despite having missed the FW had I Od on Monday, Oing early and missing the window is better than not Oing at all.
I know it's still early, it's only CD16. There is still plenty of time to O. But with my history of only Oing once in a blue moon, I am really nervous that my body will go back to his shenanigan ways and stop working. So by CD16 I am already freaking out. My OPK tonight was still very far from positive, but it looked, kinda sort of maybe a little darker than previous ones. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. I also had a little bit of EWCM so I am hoping that's a good sign. I know you can have it at any time in your cycle and it's not a really reliable sign, but I am not prone to getting much. So maybe having it now is a good sign that I'll O in the days coming up.
This is so incredibly random, but we're watching The Princess Bride and I absolutely love this clip. Wesley doesn't do much for me, but I always thought he was so sexy in this clip.
I have no idea why, but today really sucks. Today isn't anything signifigant, nothing really happened to set me off, but ever since I got to work today I have to keep running to the bathroom to cry. So far nobody has noticed my red rimmed eyes, or at least they pretend not to, I'm not sure which. I haven't really talked to anyone today, but the few times people said something to me in passing, I had to go back to my desk and hold back the tears. Hopefully nobody notices and actually says something nice because there will be no way I can hold back that floodgate.
I dreamed that I was 9 months pregnant last night and I was due any day. But it was a weird dream, so I didn't really wake up feeling sad. I was in this huge room with a ton of other pregnant women, it was like we were being coralled until it was time to go to labor and delivery.
My OPK was still negative this morning, but I got CHs this morning for Monday, CD12. Oing earlier and missing the FW is better than not Oing at all, but I am still hoping it's wrong and that I have still yet to O so we can have a chance. The spike is pretty significant, but I don't remember having any O pains, and I did crack and take an OPK Saturday night and Sunday night. It seems like if I did really O on Monday, then at least Saturdays OPK should have been positive. But if I did O on CD12, then it's a pretty wonky cycle, so I guess maybe I could have had a shorter surge so by the time I took the OPK Saturday night, it was already over....and I'm sure O pains aren't always felt; especially since I wasn't paying attention for them.
Maybe my mood is from going off the zoloft. I almost instantly felt pretty numb emotionally when I first started them, so it makes sense that when I go off I'd be more emotional. I wish I could stay on them, but I guess being more upset is worth the peace of mind of not being on them once I get pregnant again.
I skipped the support group again. A few days ago I had decided that I really thought I was going to go. Especially since I had been having a hard time with my would-be shower last weekend and my due date coming up, and what that ass face at work said. But today I just didn't want to go. It's not because I don't like the people or I don't feel comfortable....they're all really nice and last time I felt very comfortable right away....I even really enjoy talking about Kayla, esspecally with a bunch of people that understand what I am going through.
I can't really pinpoint why I don't want to go. Part of it is because I would get home pretty late...once I get off work I just want to be home. But that's not even all of it. I guess the bigger question than why I don't want to go, is why I feel so guilty for not going? It's like, I feel like I SHOULD be going, so when I don't I feel bad. But why do I feel like I should go?
I saw my therapist last night....I really enjoy going there. He's very easy to talk to and I've been going to him for like four years, so he knows me and he can use my past experiences to help me with this. Like last night, he was saying how as crappy as it is that I've been through it before, he sees that my experience with grief is helping me. I know what to expect, I know why I am feeling certain ways.
I always feel so much better after a therapy session, so it's not like I am not doing anything to work through my grief. And I post on the bump's loss board when I need to. I can't go to the support group for the next two months anyway because it's always on a Wednesday and starting next month I have tennis on Wednesdays. So at least for the next two months I won't have to feel guilty about not going, and then maybe come September it won't really be on my mind. Or maybe I'll decide by then that I really do want to go.
I'm feeling pretty blah about this cycle right now. My OPKs are still very negative.....meaning the line is super light. I know OPKs are either positive or negative, but I am pretty sure I have a fade in pattern so I am pretty discouraged that they don't even look close to being positive soon. Today is CD14...last cycle I got a positive OPK on CD16 and they had started to get darker by now. I know not every cycle is the same, and I could very easily start getting darker ones tomorrow or the next day, but until then I am just going to be very nervous.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, I am worried that after two cycles of Oing, my body will just decide to go back to its old ways. Fingers crossed that I get a positive soon.
Today a co-worker uttered the following ignorant question about my daughter:
"You actually named her?"
Remind me again why it is illegal to kill stupid people? Oh how I wish I could come up with something to say back at the time instead of six hours later. I wish I would have asked why she named her children. Ugh, people make me sick.
The dreaded weekend is over. And a dreaded weekend it was. Yesterday being my would-be shower, today being Father's Day and tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my grandma's death. I miss her so much. She was one of my best friends. I was really missing Kayla this week and I so wanted to call my grandma and talk to her about it. She was one of the first people I called when I was having a bad day, or when I had good news to share. When she would call me and I saw her name on the caller ID, a big smile would spread across my face. She was an amazing, amazing woman and the world just isn't the same without her.
This morning he got in the shower first, and I asked if he wanted to stop at the cemtery on the way home from his sister's. He said actually while I am in the shower, he was going to run up there by himself. I was very happy with this. A few months ago I went by myself for the first time, I sat down for a bit and talked to Kayla. It was very therapuetic so I was happy to hear he was going alone. It would also be his first time seeing the gravestone in person since he didn't go with me yesterday. Oh to be a fly on the wall during that visit. I'm dying to know what he said to her, but of course it's none of my business. But I am glad he went.
Then we went to his sister's for lunch. My BIL's parents were there too and my MIL and FIL of course. I had a great talk with my SIL after lunch.
She gave me some advice, but the best part of talking to her was just how comfortable I felt. That's not to say I am usually uncomfortable around her, but in the six years Ryan and I have been together, Jenny and I have not spent a ton of time together. I like her a lot...well I love her, she's my sister, not just by law but in my heart....and I am sure she loves me. But she was married and Owen was a year and a half when I came into the family. Plus they live about 40 minutes away. I am sure if she didn't have kids yet, or was single when we met, we could have hung out more, but we were in two different worlds. And, while she and Ryan get along perfectly fine when they are together, they are not too prone to just calling each other and hanging out like my brother and I are.
So we're not BFFs but it's only because we don't spend a lot of time together. But I do feel like we've gotten closer since Kayla was born....even since I got pregnant. Maybe it's because I was about to join her in mommy world. And I am sure once we have our rainbow, we'll be able to spend more time together.
This coming Saturday is family picture day with his family. I am excited. I promised Ryan he and I wouldn't have to get formal pictures together until we have more kids, but since we'll be there, he and I will have one taken. I know I bitch a lot in here, but I have to say I married into the best family there is. I love love love my husband's family and I am so lucky to have such wonderful inlaws.
So tomorrow is CD 12 so I'll start OPKs tomorrow. Well truthfully I got impatient and did one yesterday and one today, but I'll start 2X a day tomorrow. I've only got my last cycle as a reference, but based on that I seem to have a fade in/fade out pattern, so hopefully I'll see my surge coming. My other two cycles with positive OPKs showed me I definitely have a fade out pattern, so with last month's fade in I would say the evidence is strong. Fingers crossed for O again this month!
And now for some adorable-ness. My TTC/pregnancy buddy showed me this. Without a doubt, this will be our rainbow's going home outfit. The angle is a little hard to read, it says "After every storm there is a rainbow of hope....Here I am". So perfect.
I should be at my baby shower right now. I should be smiling, and having people tell me I look great, even if I don't. I should be so excited to be celebrating my girl and anxiously awaiting her arrival. Instead I went to pay the balance on her gravestone.
But on the bright side, it is very beautiful and I am so happy with it. It's the only gift I'll ever get to give to my daughter, I hope she likes it.
The other pregnant woman at work just had her baby, a girl. Of course. Everyone was buzzing about it this morning, yacking about how they knew they were right about it being a girl, and others being like oh man I thought it would be a boy. This is just how it is, 99% of the world hears someone is pregnant...they watch them grow bigger over the months, they go on maternity leave and then one morning everyone is yacking over the news that she had the baby.
This is how it is supposed to work. So how come that didn't happen for me? Why can't I live in that blissfully ignorant world where a pregnancy always results in a healthy baby at the end?
ETA: My day brightened a little. The cemetery called to say her grave marker is in. I am really surprised, it's only been about two weeks since we approved the proof, so I thought it would be 6+ weeks before it would be ready so I am very happy that it is in. I felt odd about her only having the temporary marker...like a bad mother who sends their kids to school in dirty, holey clothes. I want her to have a nice marker that shows how much we love her. I'm also really happy that it will be in for the balloon release.
Then I called the nurse at my OB's office because I want to wean off from zoloft. Truthfully I wouldn't mind staying on it longer, but I am not comfortable being on it, even for a little bit, once I am pregnant again. She wasn't sure so she consulted with the my doctor and called me back. She said since I was on it such a short time, it's ok to just stop taking it. So that makes me happy, weaning off of medicine can be a pain in the butt. She asked how I am doing, and I said I'm having a bit of a rough week since my shower was supposed to be this weekend and she was like awwww, yeah that's got to be hard. She asked if I am going off the zoloft so I can get pregnant again and I said yeah, and she said she really hopes to see me back in there soon and she's got her fingers crossed for me. I am so lucky to have found such awesome doctors and nurses.
Like any hospital I am sure, there are fans and critics. For whatever reason of everyone I know that has an opinion on Oakwood, it seems to be 50/50. But I LOVE it. From my RE to my OB and both nurses in that office to the L&D nurses and doctors, they are amazing and I would never even consider any other hospital.
was a package of sample formulas. And the hits just keep on comin'. I need to stop getting the mail.
I have been feeling pretty crappy the last few days. The pain is always there, but I am sure other loss moms can relate to the "sort of better" feeling you go through after a while. You always love and miss your baby, but you eventually reach a point where you can function most days. You maybe don't cry everyday anymore, you feel a little bit like your old self and you can smile and laugh most days.
This has been me pretty much since my second week back to work. I feel human again, I don't cry much anymore. I will always miss her, but I am in a better place. But this past weekend I feel like I went backwards. My heart was heavy all weekend, I felt blah, I have nothing to look forward to, the guilt came back full force and I had a good cry Saturday night.
In a strange way, I welcomed it. I know it is necessary to move forward and nobody wants to be in pain forever. But moving forward also made me sad. I didn't want to feel like I was doing ok; how could I be? I don't want to feel like that everyday, but it makes me feel like less of a terrible mom when I can feel the grief again and shed tears for my daughter.
I think my relapse is due to the fact that this Saturday would have been my shower. I have such an overwhelming feeling of the fact that I have nothing to look forward to, and I think that is because I should have a ton to look forward to. My shower would have been great, and then of course next month she would have been here. I think I will feel a lot better once Saturday passes....at least until my due date approaches. I went through this a lot when my mom first died. For the first anniversary, my anxiety and sadness increased well before the actual anniversary. I knew all of the dates of when she went in the hopsital, so even though she died on September 5th, I thought of the last two weeks of August as when my hell really began. So that first year I started feeling the effects of the impending anniversary in late July. But as each year that went by, the amount of time that I was anxious over the anniversary got shorter and shorter.
I'm also feeling weird about this cycle. I am excited and optimistic, but also nervous. It would have been nice to have gotten pregnant last cycle, but I was also ok if I didn't. But this cycle is different, I forsee being very upset and let down if it doesn't happen this cycle.
I'm also feeling very impatient. I used to kill for a regular 28 cycle, so even if you get a BFN, you had another shot to try again the very next month instead of waiting months on end, never knowing if you will O or not. So here I am, I had a perfect 28 days cycle last month, and I am so impatient. I still have another week before I can start using OPKs. I need to cool my jets though and just be thankful my body is cooperating for now, and hope I get pregnant again before it decides to stop.
So Buy Buy Baby can suck it and I will not be registering there the next time around. Ryan and I had finished our registry a couple weeks before we lost Kayla. So when we were in the hospital, I asked Amanda to call the store and ask if the registry could be hidden without deleting it completely.
I just knew I couldn't think about it right then, but I couldn't stand the thought of my registry being out there as if nothing happened. If anyone didn't hear the bad news, I didn't want my registry out there for people to see and shop from.
So the other day I get a coupon in the mail from them, reminding me to buy whatever is still left on my registry before my July 26th due date. Thank you. As if it doesn't hurt enough, I get this coupon, smacking me in the face, reminding me that I should be due next month, I should be excited about my shower coming up and we should be doing last minute stuff to prepare for our baby.
I was pretty pissed since Amanda calling them was supposed to avoid this exact situation. I emailed them and explained what happaned. The customer service rep wrote me back and said they were not aware of my situation....um except they were. I know Amanda told them because she passed along their condolences to me. Then the rep tells me the only way to have avoided this was to delete the registry completely. The person Amanda spoke to never told her this. I also felt like the rep gave a very half hearted apology. Like, sorry your baby died, but we didn't know and this is how it is.
Uh, how about you contact the store, see if she could find out who took the call and why they didn't inform Amanda that it had to be deleted. While we're on the subject, I think it's bullshit that deleting it is the only option if you don't want to receive mailings. First, it took us hours to register. We are going to have more children, even if those items aren't available in the future, we could at least use it as a guide to remind us what types of items we wanted. Second, we went from happy expectant parents to grieving parents in just a few hours. The thought of deleting the registry made it seems like well, she's gone so we don't need that crap anymore, delete it.
They need to change their policy so that the registry can be put on hold, and opt out of all mailings, especially in the case of miscarriage. I'm pretty appalled that a store such as them wouldn't be uber sensitive about this. I could maybe see Target making this kind of mistake, they sell everything from baby stuff to furniture to groceries and medicine. Buy Buy Baby is 100% baby, that's ALL they do. Miscarriage is very common so it's quite alarming to me that a store that deals completely in baby items doesn't have an airtight policy in place for handling this sensitive topic.
So I wrote the rep back and explained a little further that I am looking for more than a weak apology. I said she should have contacted the store to find out exactly what happaned and offer me some sort of resolution, such as we spoke to the employee and they will receive more training, or we will make sure this doesn't happen again. Her response? We are sorry the store did not provide you the correct answers. We accept blame for their error even though we are not in the store, we are in a call center.
Holy hell, why don't you just say "We'll take the blame because that is what customer service policies tell us to do, but we weren't the ones that messed up so we really aren't to blame". My brother's girlfriend was really pissed off about this, but was a little more removed from the emotions of the situation so she wrote a complaint on their facebook wall. They quickly responded and asked for a more detailed email be sent, which she sent. She forwarded me their response. This one was much better. It seemed this person was genuinely sorry, and they asked for more information like which store, who we spoke to, etc.
THAT is what I wanted in the first place. I wanted to feel like somebody gave a damn and would do something about it. I know people make mistakes, but how the mistake is handled speaks volumes for a company. It was not handled the correct way to begin with. Though I have to wonder, is action now being taken because our complaint was taken to social media where others could see it?
Regardless, I am done with that place. Next time we'll register at Babies R Us. Besides, I think it would be way too sad to go back in there and do it all again.
I guess yesterday's digi was a rare false positive. Both digi and FRER were neg this morning. Well, I still think I can see the faintest of lines on the FRER, but I can't always see it, so that leads me to believe I just have line eyes. I've come to accept it if I am not pregnant. It's only our first cycle trying again.
So I called off work today because I upped my Metformin to 1000mgs/day and I am so sick. I just dealt with it yesterday but I couldn't take another day at work like this. Which sucks since I have no sick time, so I have to take an unpaid day. My 8th anniversary at this company is coming up in a few weeks, and I have NEVER taken an unpaid day off, so that's kind of indicative of how bad I feel. If I was just having a "I don't want to go to work today" day, there is no way I would stay home and have to take an unpaid day.
I've dealt with the side effects of upping metformin before, but it's never been this bad. So I don't know, maybe it's a combo of the meds, plus just being sick. Hopefully I don't have this problem again when I up it to 1500mg because I am NOT taking another unpaid day. Well, if I have to be sick, I'm going to at least enjoy the perk of going back to bed.
Edit: And, I'm spotting today. Blah. I'm surprisingly ok with it though.....not happy, but I accept it. I guess a little more time before another pregnancy isn't really that horrible.
So I tested this morning with an FRER...it looked negative, but if I tilted it, shined my cell phone light on it and talked nice to it, I thought there could maaaaaybe be a line. So of course like any sane person would do, I wasted a digi. I cursed myself the entire time because I knew it would be negative. If an FRER is neg, or most likely neg there is no way a digi would be anything but.
When "pregnant" popped up, I said "what"?! I could not believe my eyes. I kept looking at it to make sure the word was still there. It bugged me though that I could get a positive digi on only 9DPO but not an FRER. I was skeptical, but still excited. My excitement waned though when I tested again at lunch and both the digi and FRER were negative.
I don't know, it's possible it's just too early and need FMU to get a positive, but I'm feel very let down. I'll test again in the morning, but right now I'm thinking the positive digi was a fluke. So we'll see tomorrow morning I guess. I also checked a third dollar tree but they didn't have any tests either. I am thinking they don't carry them anymore. So I went to the drugstore but all of their store brands were blue dye, so I got another box of FRER. I had sticker shock at the register, $15! They're like 8 something at Target. If tomorrow's are negative I'll try Family Dollar, I don't know if they have tests but it's worth a check. Ah TTC, you never fail to cause me stress.
My original plan was to test on 9DPO, which is tomorrow. That's super early, but possible of course. So for whatever reason, I decided to take a test last night at 7DPO. How ridiculous....and even more ridiculous I tested again this morning. I even used the flashlight app on my phone to shine on it, desperate to find a line. See this is why I don't order wondfos anymore. I clearly cannot be trusted with 20+ HPTs.
So today after work I went to the Dollar Tree to get some more since I wasted all of the ones I had. Sold out. Great. So I figured while I was there I would get some cleaning stuff and chip clips. I got stuck behind this lady that apparently does her entire grocery shopping there, and another register opened and took the next customer, which was the couple in front of me. I kind of zoned out, and then realized everyone behind me went to the new register including some new people, and I was still standing there behind of Miss 100 items and more.
All the while it never dawns on me that since I planned on hitting the other Dollar Tree on my way home, I could get this stuff there and be in a hopefully quicker line. So I get to the other store, and they don't have any either. Are you kidding me? So I still plan on testing tomorrow since that was my original plan, but I'll have to use one of my FRERs. But if that's negative, I'll wait a few days since I don't want to waste all of my pricey ones. Or maybe I'll try yet another Dollar Tree tomorrow.....hopefully there are not as many people POAS in the next city over.
I got crosshairs! My temp went up enough today and FF gave me crosshairs for last Sunday, which is when I really thought I Od. I'm very excited. Even if we're not pregnant this month, I'm very excited to O on my own again. Let's hope my body keeps it up. Come on Tuesday!
