Losing patience

Well I didn't O yesterday.  My temp rose some today but not enough.  I know there is still a chance I will O today.  FF says I could O between CD17 and 21; today is 21.  But I am a nervous wreck, I guess if I don't O today then that means I only geared up and then didn't.

I know it's possible, I hear about it all the time on TB, but so far when I've had a positive OPK, I ovulate.  Plus with my crazy blazing one on Sunday and the pain I was having, I am really certain I'm going to O, but it makes me so scared to be on the last day possible. 

It also worries me that my cycle could be slowly getting back to its old ways.  I am not sure when I Od my first cycle postpartum, but last month was CD19....this month will hopefully be CD21 or later.  I'm just worried it will get later and later and then not happen at all like before.  But I am now on my full dosage of 1500mg of metformin a day, so that should be helping me if my body is starting to fail on its own.  And should the metformin not work either, I am sure it's only a matter of time before my RE would give clomid a try, so at least there is light at the end of the tunnel, we are not completely on our own like we were a year ago.

So now I will think positively.  My surge was a smidge longer this cycle than usual.  I was expecting my positives to keep up through out Saturday and Sunday and then go negative sometime Sunday evening but they stayed positive through out Sunday night and went negative sometime between 7am and noon on Monday.  If I normally O two days after my last positive, then I suppose Oing today is still on par.  It's also possible that I Od yesterday and my temps are just screwed up.  They went down yesterday, but I had woken up to pee 30 minutes before I temp, so I went back to bed for an hour and temped then.  So who knows if yesterday's temp is even remotely right.  If anything, I would have thought my faux pas would have caused it to be incorrectly high instead of low, but ya never know. 

We also had good timing.   So if I O today, our timing will be O-4, O-3, and O-1.  That's not bad at all....in theory I would love to get another one in tonight, but that's not going to happen.  I'm exhausted.

Besides, it only takes once.  For our first pregnancy, our timing was O-2, that was it.  For our second, it was O-3, and O....so I feel pretty confident with our timing.  I do wish I could swap the O-4 for a O-2 or O, but if I had to do it all over again, there is no way I could have gotten a positive on Saturday and NOT have done it. 

So it's time to think of something fun.  A few weeks ago my husband informed me that when we get pregnant again, he wants to be told in a fun way again.  I have two ideas....the one was an idea for if I had gotten a BFP right before Father's Day.  On Mother's Day Ryan had written a really sweet message in my card as if it was from Kayla, and I had planned to do the same.  But had I gotten a BFP last cycle, I had planned to also include in the message that she has a new brother or sister on the way.

Of course I didn't get to do that....I still could, just leave a note for him that was "written by her" but I am not sure if that's weird.  If I could have done it with the Father's Day card, I thought it was totally adorable and sweet, but just a random note?  I'm not sure.

My other idea is to copy off how he proposed to me.  He had left a big box (think the size that a crock pot might come in) wrapped in red paper in the corner of the living room.  I asked what it was and he said he didn't know, and told me to check it out.  When I opened it, I found a smaller box inside surrounded by packing peanuts.  I opened that one, and there was yet another box....you get the idea, about 2 boxes later I finally got to my ring.

So I was thinking I could do the same, and the final box would be like a box of candy, like the ones you get from the movie theater....so like a final little trick to throw him off, he would think all of that would be to surprise him with candy, but then instead of the candy inside, it would be the pee stick.  I would of course have to put the candy aside and still give it to him, despite being thrilled when we get a BFP, I know he would be a bit bummed about there being no candy.  I think I am leaning more toward that idea...it's more work, but I'm just not sure how I feel about the note idea.  Plus I think it would be fun to put together and watch him open.