Faith

I never thought I would say this, but I have found myself questioning my faith lately.  Not in the sense that I am not sure I believe in God, but I'm just really questioning why things are and how they happen.

I've talked a lot in here how I don't believe God makes bad things happen.  I don't believe God sits up on His throne and says, "That baby is going to die....that 5 year old is going to get cancer....that man is going to die in a car crash the day after his wedding".  I just think things happen, partly due to people's choices and free will, but partly because they just do.  Diseases happen, accidents happen, I don't know why.

On the same token, I kind of also believe God doesn't make good things happen.  I mean sometimes I do....like if a person falls 10 stories and survives....I'd say that's a miracle and I believe in them.  Or at least I like the idea of believing in miracles.  My faith wants me to believe in miracles, but then my rational thought kicks in and I have so many questions.  Why does one miracle happen but not another?  Why would one baby survive being born at 22 weeks but our baby didn't?  I know there is the blanket answer of "God works in mysterious ways", but I do concede that there may be a bigger picture.  We don't know how saving that baby may affect so many others things in life's chain of events.

Ryan told me today that God only gives you what you can handle.  But why?  So because I am strong and can get through it, I deserve to have my mom die young, my babies?  But someone who is weak and needy gets to skate through life with no major tragedies?  How does that make any sense at all?  The big question I've been wondering lately is about praying.  If I don't think God controls the puppet strings of life, then why pray?  But I do pray....I prayed for my pregnancy all the time, when someone is hurting I pray for them, when I am worried about someone I love I pray for them.  But if I don't believe God makes things happen or not happen, then what good does praying do?

I've gotten angry a lot when it comes to religion lately.  My anger isn't at God per se, but maybe it is more surrounding my confusion of it all.  I get annoyed when people praise God for helping them with something so menial.  Like when someone says they prayed to Jesus and they won Survivor.  Or last night, we were watching that idiot tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon.  Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't hoping he would fall, and it would have been horrible and sad....but nobody held a gun to his head.  This was his bright idea to do, so it annoyed me with each step he was thanking God and praising God for controlling the winds, and helping the wire calm down, and for giving him the strength to do that.

Call me a cynic, but I think God has a lot more important stuff to deal with than some fool willingly walking a tightrope in which the tiniest slip would send him plummeting to his death, and I certainly don't think God cares whether or not you win a "reality" TV show.

I feel like a bad person and a bad christian for my doubts and questions.  I do believe in God, without a doubt.  I feel very comforted when I think of a higher power, and that someone is watching over me.  A calmness comes over me when I think of  Heaven, and my mom and grandparents and my babies all waiting for me there someday.  But I just have so many questions, and nothing makes sense to me.  Maybe I need to think less, and have more faith.