Road Rage

What a shitty day.  My husband and I have been short with each other all weekend, and we had words before Em and I left for the grocery store, so I was pissed off on the way there.  I got stuck behind this car going 20 in a 25 zone...as if 25 isn't painfully slow enough.  Then I sit through two stop signs behind her where she literally stopped for like the full 20 seconds or whatever.  Ahhhhhhh!  So I got pissed off and went around her.  I didn't flip the bird or yell or anything, but my acceleration and the fact that I was passing on a residential road (though it had a yellow broken line so it was at least legal to pass) clued them in that I was pissed off I'm sure.

So I get to the store a few blocks down and yay me, they're going there too.  I would have just waited till they went in....I mean seriously I wasn't trying to start anything, I was just already upset and I needed to get around this person before I bashed my head in.  Well they parked across the aisle from me and the mom got out and just stood there staring at me, waiting for me to get out so I did.

Well that turned into us screaming at each other in the parking lot.  I have NEVER done anything like this before, in fact the year after my mom died when my dad was mad at the world and used to get into altercations, I used to threaten him with no grandkids if he didn't stop getting out of the car.  I was so pissed though.  So of course it turns out the driver was a 16 year old girl, a new driver.  Arg, so now I really felt like a douchebag.  BUT, in my defense you've got to at least go the speed limit and not stop at stop signs for 11 minutes or I will certainly not be the last person to get frustrated with her.

When my dad was teaching me how to drive he made me learn that I couldn't be so passive, when I pulled out in traffic he would push my leg down so I'd accelerate and get the hell out of peoples' way.  Technically I'd say we were both at fault, like I said I wouldn't have confronted them but the mother did.  She could have just gone into the store with her daughter and game over.  But I get it, mama bear protecting her cub.  But overall, I was wrong.  I would never have done that had I not already been pissed off.  Yeah I would have grumbled some choice words under my breathe about how slow she was going, but I wouldn't have gotten all mad and passed her, so my problem was really just that I was already mad and she got in my way.

So I left, I wasn't about to go in there and follow them all over the store.  I got about 5 minutes away and I calmed down and realized what I jerk I had been, so I turned around and went back to apologize, but when I got there they were already gone.  So they either just had a couple things to pick up, or like me, decided they didn't want to be there.  So since Kayla's cemetery is right across the street, we went over there.  I usually leave Emily in the car while I go to the grave but I needed her snuggles today so I took her with me and we sat by her grave for a while and I cried.  It was so sweet, Em was looking at me kinda like, what's wrong mommy.

So it was just a crappy day all around.  I'm really bummed I wasn't able to apologize.  The older I get the less and less I care about what people think of me, except when I am wrong.  I likely will never see these people again, but it bothers me that they probably think I am this huge bitch.  And the other thing, I am not sure how she knew because my windows are tinted but the lady asked if I had a kid in there and that she hopes I am setting a better example for my kid.

I swore I would never have road rage with Emily in the car with me, and here I had like the worst road rage incident ever.  I am a good mother and I love my daughter, so it bothers me that I did this with her there, and that this woman probably thinks I am this trashy mother that goes around screaming at people in front of her kid.  But, there is nothing I can do about it now.  After that I was disgustingly nice to everyone I came into contact with the rest of the day, like I'm trying to prove to the universe that I am a good person.  I'm letting this bother me way too much.

On top of that, Em was unusually cranky all day.  She wouldn't easily go down for her naps and bedtime tonight was rough.  I hadn't tried in a while but there was a paci on her nighstand so I gave it a go and she took it!  She's always seemed to like them but could never keep them in her mouth.  Well tonight she took it for a good 10 or 15 minutes and everytime she was about to lose it she was able to get it back in.  Once I put her down and she finally fell asleep I noticed on the monitor it was out, but yay I'm so glad she can finally keep it in a decent amount of time.

I just hope it's not super hard to break someday.  But she started sucking her thumb last week and it's not recommended to take your kids thumbs away, so between the two I'd rather she have a paci.  But both things are so darn cute, I just love babies who suck their thumbs or pacis.  I'm really looking forward to this weekend to get away for a few days and hopefully just have fun.

Green with Envy

My husband's friend and his wife had their baby the other day and there is some crazy shit going on in my head.  I can't help but feel jealous for some reason.  It's not because they have a tiny newborn....I mean that would kind of make sense because Em isn't teeny tiny anymore and she's growing so fast.  In some ways I miss the newborn days, but in some ways I don't.  I don't miss the sleepless nights where she just cried all day and all night, I don't miss feeling like a zombie who would kill for just 10 minutes of uninterrupted worry free sleep.  I don't miss worrying about her all.the.time because she was so teeny (not really, she was almost a 9 pounder but still) I thought she would just die in her sleep at any moment.  I don't miss smelling all the time because of the bleeding, hormone induced B.O and being covered in spit up all the time.

Yes I get a little sad that she's growing so fast, but I really love this stage.  She sleeps through the night, she eats well, she smiles all the time now, she's a good baby in public, she rarely cries for the hell of it anymore and I am just in awe of how quickly she learns new things.  So I guess my jealousy comes from the fact that everything seemed easy for her.

They got married a year ago today, they quickly got pregnant and boom, they're parents a week before they even celebrate their first anniversary.  Plus she is AMA (and 4 years older than me) and overweight, but had to my knowledge a rather complication free pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish infertility or loss on anyone.  I feel terrible for even thinking these things and even worse for putting them in writing, but I guess your feelings are never wrong or bad, it's your actions that count.

I just still really struggle with the unfairness of it all and the anger.  I went to visit my daughter's grave yesterday....why do I have to do that, when other people get everything they want so easily?  She said in a facebook post that she feels very blessed that God allowed her to become a wife and a mother in just a short year.  So I guess God decided I wasn't worthy of those things?  In many ways I feel luckier.  Not only do I have my precious Emily, but after the long road of pain I know just how lucky I am to have her, and I feel like I am way less prone to take her for granted than parents who got their children so easily.  Not saying I love her any more or I am a better mother, but when you know how painful life can be, it helps you appreciate those wonderful moments so much more.

It's just hard to feel these pangs of envy because I feel like they mean I am not happy for them, but I am.  I feel like it means I wish they had gone through some sort of pain, but it doesn't.  I don't wish pain on anyone, but I guess maybe instead of not being happy for them, I am just a little sad for me that we had to go through what we did. 

The entry about everything and nothing

I have a lot of babbling to do tonight, and most of the topics are not remotely related to one another.  I just feel like talking and the cats look at me weird when I talk to them.

I was reading the message boards of an article about abortion.  This was a bad idea, it made me angry.  But anyway, I know there will always be others with opinions that differ from mine, and in case it was never obvious to my readers before, I am pro-life.  So I get that there are lots of people in the world that are pro-choice, and we can go 'round and 'round until we're both blue in the face but likely neither of us will change our opinion.

But I am having troubles wrapping my brain around a woman who has experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, and still being pro-choice.  The second the two pink lines popped up on the test, I was in love with my babies.  Of course that love wouldn't be realized on a much deeper level until much later, but I was so happy.  With my first, I never even felt anything.  I had known for four days, I was only 4 weeks 2 days, I was a little tired but that was it.  But when I realized it was over, my world came crashing down.  I was devestated.  So as a woman who has experienced loss, I just cannot fathom how someone could love their unborn child so much, and grieve so deeply for the life they only knew existed for four days.....but be perfectly fine with other women choosing to end the life of their unborn child.  How can we love that "blob of cells" when we want the baby, but consider it ok to "undo" it when we don't want it?

I know that paragraph really opened a can of worms, but that's all I am going to say about it.  I could go on and on about this topic, so I have to draw the line somewhere.  While I am on the sad, depressing subject, a man in Georgia was accused of intentionally leaving his 22 month old son in the car and claimed he forgot to drop him off at daycare.  I personally believe it is very possible to do this, and I wanted to believe this man, but police have now released reasoning behind why they are charging him with murder.  It didn't say when he did this, but there was a search on his work computer for how long it would take an animal to die in a hot car.  He was also seen leaving his office at lunch time to go put something in his car.  Now, my car's backseat windows are tinted so it is very likely that if the carseat were still in there and I opened my front door to put something in, I wouldn't notice.  But to me it seems off to leave your office to go PUT something in your car.  To get something sure, but what was he putting in there that couldn't just go with him when he left work for the day?  I think he was gong to check to see if he was dead yet.

I think they could also pretty easily determine from surveillance video and from his co-workers if going out to his car during the day was something he often did.  Granted, doing it this one and only time doesn't make him a murderer, but combined with everything else, it doesn't look good for him.

So then I was reading an article about why it is possible to forget your child, and cases of people whom authorities believe did honest to God just forget.  Like I said, it sounds to me like this guy did it on purpose, but I really do believe it's very possible to legitimately forget.  I've never come close to it so far, but I've done enough hairbrained, potentially dangerous things in the three short months I have been an acting mom (since I've been a mom since Kayla was born, but never had to do this stuff for her).  Twice now, yes twice we have driven at least 20 minutes or more with Emily not strapped into her carseat.  Both times it was because she was covered with a blanket, and at this age when you're not holding her and you're out, say at a restaurant, where does she go, in the carseat.  It seems uncomfortable and unnecessary to keep her buckled in while we eat a meal, but then we run the risk of forgetting to do it later.  In fact not only did I not notice, but neither did the FOUR other adults I was with.  My dad said he noticed she wasn't buckled in when we left the restaurant, but then he put her in the car, and we chatted with my brother for a few and then we left and we all forgot.  And had the worst happened, had we gotten into an accident and it was known she wasn't buckled in, the judgers would have come out of the woodwork, calling me a horrible mom, sitting on their high horses, supposedly never having made a mistake.  I know because I used to be them.  Motherhood is very humbling, having Emily has made me so much less judgemental because I see how easy it is to mess up and overlook things.  Just the other night we were that couple I would have judged so hard. 

We went to Ryan's 5K that didn't start till 7:30....just 30 minutes before her bedtime.  So here it was, going on 9pm, it was getting dusk out, people were drinking, the band was playing and here we are with our 3 month old baby, selfishly enjoying a night out when we should have been home putting her to bed.  I would have judged us SO hard back before I had kids....now, hey, it happens.  Ryan wanted the support, for us to come out and cheer him on.  We are not out that late every night, hell we aren't even out that late once a month with her, but it did happen that night.

We are lucky, that not only are our parents kind enough to watch her all day while we're at work, but we have built in insurance that we could never forget to drop her off without them calling saying hey, where the hell are you?  I call my dad every morning between 6:50 and 7am to tell him we are on our way, and I am at his house no later than 7:15, so if it ever got to be even 7:30 without hearing from me, he would be calling, wondering where his little cutie pie is.  Ryan now takes Emily to his parents house on Mondays so that I can play tennis after work without having to pick her up or worrying about whose going to watch her if Ryan isn't off work yet.  I suspect it would be all too easy to go about your day to day routine and forget when you aren't normally the one to drop off.  I even told my MIL, he starts work at 7, if he should ever not be at your house by then with her, please call him.

Not that I don't trust HIM, I just think it is very possible to do.  And I can't figure out why it hasn't become law yet that daycares are required to call if a child who is scheduled to be at daycare that day doesn't show.  If a simple phone call could prevent a horrible death and tragedy, why not?  When I worked at a daycare, every staff member was assigned to 2 or 3 kids, and if there was ever an emergency like a fire or what have you, you were responsible to get your assigned children to safety.  So why not apply that same practice to drop offs?  I'm sure if you are the head teacher of 20 some kids at daycare, it may be hard to remember that Johnny comes MWF, so you may not notice one Wednesday if he doesn't show up.  But if you are personally assigned to Johnny and Sarah who come MWF and Ava who comes on T and Th, you'd notice if one of your three assigned kids doesn't come on the day they're supposed to. 

Reading the article was really hard...the idea of something happening to Emily is my absolute worst fear.  I can feel the fear in my cheat, it hurts to think about it.  So the idea of accidently being the cause of that bad thing is just unthinkable.  I cannot even fathom being the reason my child died.  The article said the one man tried to wrestle the gun out of the officers hands at the scene of his child's death when they were discovered in the car, apparently attempting to take his own life.  I've never thought of ending things, but if it was my fault my baby died....well let's just say I could imagine why someone would want to do that.

Whew, this is a horribly horribly depressing entry, so I'm going to talk about something else now.  Emily's now in the bigger girl portion of the baby tub.  The tub itself has a small newborn insert so the baby is facing you when it's put inside the bigger baby tub, but today she kept kicking her legs, so I decided it was time to turn the insert lengthwise so she had more leg room.  She was all smiles during her bath tonight.  Oh my God, nothing makes me happier than Emily smiles.  Well, the smiles went away once she was out and it was lotion time.  I need to find her some thicker, cushier towels, the ones she has now just aren't cutting it to keep her warm enough when she gets out.

We also discovered a way for her to enjoy tummy time more.  We roll up a towel and put it under her chest.  This gives her some lift so she can look around, and then she is more willing and capable of lifting her head up even more.  Today she got up on her knees during tummy time....I think I will both cheer for joy, and cry when she starts crawling.  My little baby is growing up so fast already.

Next week we were supposed to go for our first camping trip at a campground, but our family reunion is also next weekend.  We had decided to skip it because of camping, but I was pretty sad about it.  I knew everyone would be dissapointed that we (Emily) wouldn't be there and the family reunion weekend is always fun.  The reunion, eh not as much, but us and my cousns and sometimes some aunt and uncles usually go out afterward, either into town or to the go-karts.  I'm sure grandpa and grammy would be more than happy to put Emily to bed so we could go out that night.

And my brother and SIL are taking their bikes and are going to try out the new bike trail....I'd love to do that.  So we decided to cancel the camping and go up north instead.  We'll still be in our camper, just in a different place.  We'll have about 3.5 days there, and I got to thinking it might be kind of boring just us at a campsite for 3.5 days.  With Em being so little, there isn't much we could do and we'd have no babysitters there.

Plus since Michigan legalized the big fireworks for holidays, my husband put on a really cool fireworks show last year at my dad's place, so that would be fun to do again this year.  I'm pretty excited, it will be Emily's first family vacation.  However it's too bad we brought our camper back to this side of the state last month, if we had known we'd be going to the reunion we could have left it there and brought it back with us this time, now we have to haul it up and back.  Oh well.  At the reunion I'll have to make sure to snatch Emily back from all the prying hands at least a couple of times.  After her baptism I didn't have her or really even see her for the rest of the afternoon because everyone else was holding her all day.  That evening she just passed out from exhaustion and being overwhelmed by the day.  I don't mind if people hold her, and it gives me a nice break, but I should get her back at least twice and find someplace quiet to feed her and maybe get a nap in.  Even babies need some down time.

Speaking of grandparents and safety, we need to have the uncomfortable pool discussion with my inlaws.  They do not have any kind of fence around their pool, and my niece and nephew have gotten in trouble many times for being too close to the pool when they weren't supposed to be.  It kind of baffles me actually.  My inlaws are amazing, safety conscious loving grandparents.  They have had 6 other little ones in their house over the years and I am very surprised they've never thought to put up a fence.  I'm even more surprised that my SIL never insisted on it when her children were smaller and being watched by them.

Of course it isn't an issue now, but once Emily becomes mobile, we'll insist on at least a gate to the deck entrance, and worry about the rest of it once she gets tall enough for it to be an issue.  I mean, I guess people just think they'll do a good enough job watching them.  But if she's over there being watched by them often, eventually the novelty will wear off and they won't want to just stare at her all day.  They put her down for a nap, they go downstairs to throw in a load of laundry and in just minutes she could be up, outside and in the pool.  Even if we're just over there visiting, tragedy can strike in the blink of an eye.  People tend to feel safe at family functions because they assume with so many adults around, nothing bad could happen.  But this one thinks the other one is watching, and people get busy and distracted and suddenly kiddo gets into the pool.  I hope it doesn't become an awkward issue, because if a gate isn't put up, she won't be staying over there for long periods of time, end of discussion.  But, since the pool should be a fun thing, I'm excited to go over there Saturday to take her swimming for the first time.  They are on vacation so I don't have to worry about wearing a suit in front of anyone else.  Eh, my SIL might join us, but we're pretty equal in the "doesn't enjoy wearing bathing suits" category.

In other good news, I may be quitting my job very soon.  I was going to try to hold out a couple of months, and my goal was to be out of there by December which is our super busy time, but I want out now.  My actual job isn't bad, once I am there it's ok.  In fact it makes me feel kind of important and independent, and that I will miss a little.  However I like being a wife and a mother just as much, if not more.  I hate the constant go go go.  On Monday I only got to see Emily for 30 minutes.  Thirty minutes for the whole day!  And that was in the morning when I fed her before I got ready for work.  Ryan was just getting home with her as I was literally pulling out of the driveway to go to tennis so I only saw her for a minute, and she was in bed by the time I got home.  But even on regular nights, I get maybe a good 2.5 hours with her.

That's just not enough.  No matter how much I like my job, it cannot make up for the fact that I want to be with my daughter, and I want to have time and energy to cook healthy meals instead of getting take out all the time, and I want to have time to clean my own house, not have to hire people to do a crappy job and break my things.  Plus I will never get a chance to get into online teaching if I don't quit.  Online teaching isn't like any other job where I get that job, then I can quit this one.  I'll likely have to work for several schools in order to get enough classes to make it work, which could take quite a while.  I have no time for anything as it is, let alone time to work an additional job.

While online teaching would be great since I could work from home and be with Emmy, it's not the only reason I would do it.  I think I would really enjoy it.  I loved school, but the stress and time commitment plus working was too much.  Besides I have my masters, there isn't much else I could do besides another bachelors or masters in another subject, or go for my doctorate which I have no desire to do.  So I think I would really enjoy online teaching.  Ryan and I still have to talk it over more, but I am really hoping to be able to give my notice soon, and make my last day July 25th.  Every time I have a meeting and we discuss future projects and plans, I can't help but giggle to myself, thinking this is pointless, I don't plan on being here much longer.

It will be an adjustment, and I will be lying if I said I am not apprehensive about it at all.  I've worked, sometimes two jobs at a time, since I was 16 years old.  Up until my leave last year, the longest time I had ever had off work in almost 20 years was a week's vacation.  Even my maternity leave, maybe the reason I enjoyed it so much was because I knew it had an end, I had to go back to work.  What if once I am off every day, all day with no end in sight, I get bored and lonely?  What if the online teaching thing doesn't work out and I have to go back out into the work force after being out of the routine for a whole year?  I'm leaving a good stable job, with good insurance (we'll be proud owners of an Obamacare plan if I quit) with a GOOD company that I've been with for 9 years.  I've got seniority, I've got experience, I'm fully vested in my 401K and profit sharing plans....what if it's all a huge mistake?

It could be, but I have to give it a try.  I think I would really enjoy being a stay at home mom, and I'd still have some independence and goals if teaching works out.  Plus I am too antsy of a person to sit home all day and get bored.  I'm not saying Em and I would never have lazy days sometimes, but I know we'd be out running errands, going for walks and doing projects around the house.  I'm dying to get that basement cleaned and organized.  And even if it doesn't work out and in a year I have to go back out and find a job, I don't think I could ever regret this time home with Emily.  She'll only be this little once, and life is too short to miss out on it.  I'll never get those hours back, and she only has one first step, one first word.  Wish me luck!

Baptism

My baby girl was baptized today, her Godparents are my brother and Ryan's sister.  She did such a good job, she was great for the beginning of the service, for her starring moment and for about 10 more minutes of the service.  I knew she wouldn't make it through the whole thing though, she would need a nap so she and I went to the bathroom when she started crying.  We tried to go back out after about 10 minutes but she started crying again so we just stayed in the bathroom for the rest of the service.  Can't say I complained.  There was furniture in there and after a few minutes and some humming from mommy (I can't sing, and I can't hum much better but it did the trick) she was asleep on my chest.  She got a good 25 minute nap in, and then was a perfect little girl for pictures afterward.

Then we went back to our house and had a BBQ with our friends and family.  Emily got some great gifts like bibles, pictures frame and some money to start her savings account.  It was a wonderful day.  Yesterday we went to get her three month pictures done.  We didn't get one smile out of her, but they came out adorable anyway, of course because she is an adorable girl.  Our appt was at 1pm but they were running behind, so I don't think we got started until 1:30.  While we were waiting she fell asleep, and didn't even wake up when I got her out of her carseat.  So I put her in the little basket for her pics, she had just woken up and was groggy and some strange lady kept flashing a bright light in her eyes.  So understandably she was very sleepy and not in a smiley mood, but we did get an adorable one of her tongue hanging out.

So since returning to work I have zero time to get things done.  I get home from work later now, then I have to cook dinner, get her ready for bed, get ready for work the next day, etc.  So I've had no time recently to clean the house.  So we decided to hire Molly Maids to come in bi-monthly and they were able to schedule the first clean for Thursday, which was perfect to get it done for the baptism.  Well my phone died on Thursday so on my way home once I could charge it again, I had three messages from them saying they couldn't get in the house.

I gave them the key to the side door and specifically told the woman who came to do the price estimate that it was for the doorknob only, we don't use the deadbolt.  But they were trying it anyway, and ended up unlocking the doorknob but locking the deadbolt.  How they couldn't figure it out after a few is beyond me, but anyway they couldn't get in.  So they came Friday instead.  I had taken the day off work to get the cleaning done, but now that they were coming I decided to take the day off anyway and run errands.  But I was back home when they came, and my dad was over working on our garage so Em and I just hung out in the yard with him because I would have felt weird being in the house while they cleaned around me.

They were here for two hours....and I am so not impressed so far.  In addition to not being able to unlock a door, I watched the one lady go out to the car to get something and leave our door wide open, even though I specifically stressed that we have cats that cannot be let outside.  Then after they left I went in to check things out....they missed an incredibly dusty light fixture, there were sand-like granuals on the floor, the front of the cupboards were still dirty and there were still some whiskers in the sink.

There were other things too, like on Emily's nightstand you can tell they just moved stuff around to dust instead of clearing the whole table top since there is still a huge patch of dust, and when I sit across the room I can still see a ton of dust under the other furniture, they just swiped the stuff that was like at the edge of the furniture.   Now the missed spots this time I am not too worried about, it was the first clean and to be honest, the house was really dirty.  Plus since I am supposed to be a Thursday person, they probably squeezed me in on Friday.  However, I'll give them a few more chances, but if we have the same problems, then we're done.  I am not paying a team of 2 or 3 people to do a worse job than what I could do myself.

I realize I sound like a lazy rich girl.....psssha, my maids didn't do a good enough job.  But I am just trying to figure out how to be a good mother, worker, and wife instead of just being mediocre at all three.  If I had more time, I would gladly (well, maybe not gladly) clean my own house.  But the worst part was, they broke a statue we bought for Kayla.  It was the one I bought for October 15th, it's clay hands forming a heart with a butterfly on them and a candle inside.  I found it in four pieces on the shelf, and the worst part was they didn't say a word to me.  I can kind of understand why they would have been nervous to tell me, but at least leave a note, don't let me just find it and hope I would think someone else did it.  If Ryan had broken it I would know, there is no way he could break something for Kayla and not be upset about it.

The picture frame next to it wasn't broken but it had obviously been dropped as well since the frame was kind of coming apart and I had to smack it back together.  I find it odd that I've never broken anything while cleaning, but yet they're here for the first time here they break one thing and almost another.  But I know what the problem is....they are probably minimum wage workers that are expected to do 4 hours of work in 2 hours time.  It's really hard to do a quality job when you just don't have the time.  And I am a reasonable person, I understand that things happen and sometimes break, and they had no idea of its sentimental value, but I am pissed that they didn't tell me.  Along with the other issues of the deadbolt, leaving the door open and doing a crappy clean, I don't see this working out.

I'll give them a couple more weeks, but my SIL is going to find out how her friends maids work out for them (they are individuals, not from a corporation) so maybe I'll go that route if this doesn't work.  In better "Kayla momento" news, our Molly Bear is being worked on and should be ready next month.  I'm so excited, I ordered it in October and I thought there was over a year waitlist.  So thankful we only have to wait 9 months.  Ha, it's like the Molly Bear is being born after 9 months.  Emily will have six month pictures done in September so I think I'll have her take a few pictures with the bear.

Well, I'm off to write a strongly worded email to Molly Maids.

Back to work

I survived my first full week of work, I went back last Friday.  My first day back was ok, but I missed Em like crazy and it was really hard to leave her.  My stepmom had her that day since my dad had to go up north to celebrate his mom’s 90^th birthday.  When I got to work I saw that my desk was decorated, they were throwing me a shower.  That was nice, I thought they forgot or just weren't doing anything.  I was talking to my friend about it and she said she was afraid I would think that, but she said our boss claimed he talked to me about it and I said I didn't want anything before hand.  Such a lie, he never said anything to me.  But maybe he was too uncomfortable to bring it up.  I get it, I'm sure nobody knew, but I just wish someone had said, hey we'd like to do something for you but we'd like to wait till she's here.  That would have been FINE, but the way they did it, I'll be honest, I was hurt, thinking they were just ignoring it.

 I had decided to make the day easier by not having to pack food the night before, so I got a bagel and hot chocolate on my way for breakfast, and had planned on going out for lunch, but they did a potluck for my shower.  It was nice, the food was yummy and we got a bunch of Babies R Us gift cards.  So now I can go get her a jumperoo or exersaucer or whatever….I can’t decide between those, or a walker.  I’m trying to find whatever takes up the least amount of space, and looks the most fun.  I wanted to get her that jumper thing you put in the doorway, but Ryan had a good point that she’ll want to be out in the living room with us.  Jumping and staring at the blank wall isn’t much fun, and none of the doorways in the living room could support it.

Maybe I can drag him there one of these days and pick one out.  She’s getting so much better with holding her head up, so she should be able to go in one soon.  So for my first day back, my boss said I could just check my email and get organized.  I had about 500 emails to go through, and my desk was all packed up in boxes since they had new carpet installed.  So it was an easy day, didn’t have to do anything, and when I got home it was the weekend!  But this week has been a different story.  Leaving her every day has been really tough, in the morning I just want to snuggle her forever.  Going to my dad’s isn’t too far out of the way, but it does add almost two hours to my commute round trip.  I used to leave for work around 7:30 and get home at 5:30, but now I have to leave around 6:45 and get home around 6:30.  Plus traffic has stunk lately.

So in addition to missing her, I just feel so frazzled.  I can’t get up and feed her and go back to bed, I have to get ready for work.  I work all day, deal with traffic, go get her, attempt to cook dinner, eat dinner, clean up, get her ready for bed and some nights a bath, get my lunch/her diaper bag/my clothes/pumping stuff ready for the next day, I shower at night now so Ryan and I don’t fight over the shower in the morning, and then she gets one last bottle around 11:30 and then I fall into bed.  This is not a life, I am not enjoying this at all.  I know a lot of people work and have kids and it’s necessary for us both to work as well, but there has got to be more to life than this.  I can only enjoy life on the weekends?  It really stinks.  I have had no time to clean the house, pizza got ordered last night because it took forever to get her settled when I got home yesterday so I didn’t feel like cooking dinner when I was done.  Somedays I enjoy having a routine again….I can eat much better when I am up early enough to eat breakfast plus all my snacks and other meals.  It’s kind of nice to wear real clothes again instead of yoga pants and flip flops every day.  Yeah I can wear real clothes at home, but am I going to?  No.  And it’s nice to be around other adults and have conversations…Emmy isn’t much of a conversationalist yet.  But other than that, I miss being home.

Call me simple, but I like spending my days cleaning the house, running errands, cooking dinner and taking care of Em.  I LOVE being a mommy.  I was not at all prepared for how much I would enjoy it.  I’ve always wanted kids, but a part of me has always been hesitant.  Worried about how much my life would change, worried about not knowing what to do, and most of all, worrying that I just wouldn’t have that bond with my kids.  This sounds bad, but I’d see a kid out in the mall or something and think yeah they’re cute, but I couldn’t imagine feeling that deep, unbreakable love for this kid that would make me enjoy cleaning up their messes and committing to this job for the next 80 years.  But it’s all so different when it’s your kid.  There is no baby on earth that’s cuter than my Emily, I don’t mind wiping up her dribble or changing her poopy diapers.  I get a kick out of everything she does and I think she is so amazing.  You really have no idea how strong the love is for your child until your child is here. 

She isn’t napping well at my dad’s.  She isn’t a fabulous napper anyway….she is if I just let her fall asleep wherever and whenever, but if I actually try putting her down she won’t sleep.  So I guess with being a new environment and a new schedule, and because my dad probably holds her all day and won’t let her just fall asleep on her own, I come home to a cranky little baby.  She’s also getting up earlier.  She used to go back to sleep after her 6am bottle until about 8 or 9, but now, try as I might I cannot get her in her carseat in the mornings without waking her.  I send her to my dad’s in her jammies so I don’t wake her up to dress her, but once she’s in the carseat she’s wide eyed and awake.  So not napping well + getting up earlier = cranky and crabby.  But hopefully after a few more days the newness of watching her will wear off and my dad will let her be for a bit and let her fall asleep.  And maybe she’ll sleep better once she gets used to going to grandpas every week day.  

My dad is so cute with her.  Everything she does is amazing, she’s so smart, she’s so strong.  He tells me the same stories over and over again.  He is such a proud grandpa.  It’s also cute the stuff he messes up.  He hasn’t had a little one in the house in 35 years, so he’s a bit rusty.  The other day I came home to find her diaper on backwards, she’s always in different clothes than what I send with her because she spits up too much or he spills on her.  Yesterday he didn’t put the little ring back in the Avent nipple and half the bottle leaked all over her.  He called me the other day to find out how to get her carseat out of the car.  And she keeps wetting through her clothes because he isn’t changing her often enough.  He keeps trying to feel for wetness, but these new diapers are so absorbent you can’t really tell, so I clued him in to the color changing strip.  He’s getting it though, he’ll learn through his mistakes.  He was a great dad, so I think he’ll be an even better grandpa.  He certainly thinks the sun rises and sets on her.

A little off topic and random, but I’ve often wondered if I didn’t really need to get my SUV, if I was just like all the other idiots who run out and buy an SUV because they have one kid.  But after spending the day with my MIL on Saturday, I see my car was worth every penny.  Her stroller is fairly small but it was still a struggle to get it into the trunk, it just barely fit.  And having to bend over to get her carseat in and out of the car is not easy at all and trying to change her on the sloped seat in the back was no easy task.  But her stroller is so easy to get into the back of my Equinox, I can get her carseat out in a natural standing position and using the back end when I have no place else to change her is so simple.  So glad to have proven my purchase to be a good one.

I’ve been so tired this week, but today was the worst.  I had to keep shaking my head on the way to work and when I got to a red light I thought I’d close my eyes just for a second.  Well I dozed off, and when my eyes flew open the light was green and everyone was going.  It must not have been green for that long though since the car behind me didn’t honk, but that was kind of scary.  Then all morning at work my head kept bobbing.  I don’t know how to get any more sleep though.  Emily goes down around 9:30 but she gets a final bottle at 11:30 so I stay up until then.  If I forgo the last bottle, I am certain she won’t sleep until 5:30 or 6.  So I have the choice of going to bed after her last bottle, or going to bed earlier but getting up to feed her at 3 or 4 when she wakes up.  In my opinion, it’s better to sleep less but have a more quality sleep than sleep more and have to get up in the middle.  And I have to get up for work at 5:30.  I guess I’ll have to try to catch up on weekends.  I don’t necessarily mind being tired, I mean it comes with the territory of having a baby, but being so sleepy while I’m driving made me very nervous.

A potted plant no more

My baby is no longer a potted plant I can tote all over.  We left the house this morning at 10am and didn't get home till 8:30, we went to an appointment and then headed to my SIL's to give her a belated birthday present.  So we hung around there for a bit and then the three of us went downtown and went to lunch, then we went to a jeweler to get my wedding set appraised so we can add it to our homeowner's insurance.  After that we went to a bookstore that had the most adorable bookstore kitty.  She was so tiny and so lovable, she just wanted to play and snuggle.  How great would that be to own a quaint little bookstore and have a store kitty?

Then we walked around town for a bit, we checked out the children's section of the library and then we went for ice cream.  By then my brother was off work and very jealous his wife got to spend the day playing with a kitten and spending time with Em, so he came and met us, we walked back to the jeweler to pick up my ring and then we went back to their house for pizza.

Despite being able to sleep whenever she wanted, being fed on schedule and had diaper changes, she wasn't too happy about being stuck in her carseat all day and just being out and about all day.  She started fussing when I was just about done with dinner, so we headed for home and as predicted she was asleep before we even got off their street.  She slept the whole way home but woke up and was screaming her lungs out once we got home.  I hadn't planned on giving her a bath, but I knew she was overtired and figured it might help her relax.  She calmed down for the bath but she picked up again when I was drying her and putting lotion on.  She ate a little of her bottle but she kept falling asleep so I rocked her for a bit and then put her down.  Before I go to bed I'll give her another bottle so she'll hopefully sleep through the night.

I guess it's time to start planning our days so she isn't out for that long and even though she isn't going down for scheduled naps yet, we should at least be home around her usual nap times so she can sleep more comfortably.  Luckily she is sleeping good right now, hopefully that will continue tonight, since tomorrow is my first day back to work :(

I'm so sad, I don't want to leave her.  I cannot believe this three months went by so fast.  Of course I wouldn't have wanted to leave her when she was a newborn, but it sucks that she is just starting to get fun, she's smiling more and reacting more, and now I have to be away from her for 50 hours a week.  I'm not dreading tomorrow as much because it is one day and then I have the weekend, but in some ways my brain hasn't comprehended yet that there is more than just tomorrow.  That I have to continue going to work next week...and the next, and the next.  That's when I feel sick to my stomach, I don't want to leave my little princess.

But, I cannot quit just yet....I would like to work maybe six months...or three or four.  I don't know, I feel like I need to at least try it.  Plus I feel like I will enjoy it more if I go back to work for a few months and then get to go back to staying home.  Like the last few weeks won't even be difficult because I would be looking forward to being done.  Even now, it's not as bad to go back, knowing that it's not permanent.

I think I am done pumping though.  I've wanted to quit for a while now, but it just doesn't make sense to do it anymore.  I am only getting about 2.5 ounces a day, and I am sure I am not getting much calorie burning benefit from producing so little.  She cannot even drink it right now....I gave her some this week to see if she tolerated it but I don't know.  It could be a coincidence or all in my head, but I feel like she's been spitting up more and choking on her spit up more and in my head it's because of the breastmilk.  It probably isn't, but she's been on formula all this time and has been doing well, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  And I hate pumping...now that I am going back to work, I have enough stuff that I don't want to do, so I might as well give up something that I have more than enough reasons to stop.

So I didn't pump last night, and I am not pumping tonight.  With such a small supply I think I can just stop cold turkey with no issues, but I have no idea if I could possibly become engorged so I'm taking my pump with me to work tomorrow just in case.  In fact I think I may even pump at work for the first week or two....if nothing else, just to get away from my desk for two 20 minute breaks and just sit in a quiet room and play on my phone while I pump.  Well, I had better go give her a last bottle and then get to bed.  Don't make me goooooo, I don't want to go!

First road trip

It was a short trip, but Emily did fantastic for her first trip.  We are going camping for the 4th of July so we had to go up north this weekend to get our camper and bring it back down here to put in storage since our campsite for the 4th is south of us.  We left yesterday morning, Emily was still sleeping when we were ready to go, so I tried to give her a bottle but since I had to wake her up for it, she said no way Jose. 

So we left her in her PJs and off we went.  She slept most of the ride, we stopped about halfway for a diaper change and then I rode in the back and gave her a bottle.  While I was back there I took advantage of the tinted windows and pumped.  I tried giving her that when she woke up again but it was the Nuk nipple that came with the pump and she seemed to dislike it. 

We arrived around noon and decided to go into town first.  We went to a few new shops that we'd never been to before.  Very cute, the first one was a children's store, not much there for her now but in a year or two she'll love it.  In the other section of the store they have a children's theater (puppet show).  The whole room is decorated to match the book that they do the show from, and the walls have murals on them like the pictures in the book.  It's a kids dream come true.  I can't wait to take her there when she's older.

The other store was a Michigan Tshirt shop.  We got her this cute onsie with a cartoon-like Michigan glove with the upper peninsula.  It came in handy when we stopped for lunch next since it was getting warm out and she was still in her fleece PJs so I put her in the onsie.  After lunch we headed to see my grandma so she could meet Emily for the first time.  That was fun (sarcasm).  I've written before about my grandma and how we're not close.  I never saw her much as a kid, she has a lot of grandkids and she's just a tough woman.  Doesn't show emotion, isn't nurturing, isn't warm and friendly.  I'm sure she has a lot more emotions than what she shows, but it's tough to be close to someone that really resists it and doesn't give it back.

But, she'll be 90 next week and she is my only grandparent left.  I wanted to make sure she got to meet Emily, and even though she likely won't live long enough for Em to remember her, I at least have a picture of them.  I love my grandma, I just don't really look forward to visiting with her because it's so awkward.  So when we got there I handed Emily over to her and she held her.  She didn't talk to her, didn't say how cute she is...just none of the usual stuff people say when holding a baby.  Oh, she did talk....to complain about the fact that Emily had mittens on.  She told me to take them off her but I ignored her, so when Ryan came out of the bathroom she told him and he took them off.  No idea what the problem was with the mittens.  Probably because they weren't around back in 1812 when she was raising kids therefore they weren't necessary.  Well I'm sorry, my baby has scratches all over her nose, so the mittens go on.

So then Emily was due for a bottle so I made one and went to put it in her mouth, assuming my grandma would take the bottle and feed her but no.  She practically shoved her back in my arms and said I don't feed babies, that's your job.  Uh, ok.  Most people love to feed her, my niece and nephew fight over who gets to feed her.  So I took her back and fed her, and then attempted to make awkward conversation for ten minutes.  I'd try to tell her some news and she'd just nod, I'd ask her a question and she'd answer with one word.  Come on, throw me a bone here, I'm trying!

So finally I couldn't take it anymore and said we had to get going to open up the camper and get it de-winterized.  I've come a long way since my childhood shyness, but I just can't deal with other people who are quiet.  And my grandma is so not shy, I really can't describe her....woman of few words I guess.  So we got the camper opened up, unpacked our things and got Emmy's pack n play set up.  Then we went back into town to meet some of my aunts and cousins for dinner.  That was nice, it was good to see people and they all had the normal reaction of seeing a baby, she got passed around the whole table.  As we were leaving the restaurant some more of my cousins and aunt showed up, but since we already ate they got their food to go and went to the beach to eat.  We were planning on going anyway, as were my cousin Brian and his wife and their daughter so we walked with them.

We usually hang out with them when we're in town, go to ride go carts and arcade games and stuff.  But since we had limited time we settled for the beach.  So we all walked down there and met my other family and went down by the water.  It was nice that they had installed a walkway almost all the way down to the water so we were able to take her stroller down there and then Ryan just carried it the rest of the way.  So we stayed for a bit, chatting and dipping our feet in the ice cold water.  Such a beautiful beach though, Lake Michigan is amazing.

After that Ryan and Emmy and I walked out on the pier and then headed back and got ice cream on the way.  Emily was starting to fuss for a bottle so we headed back to the camper.  I knew I would be expected to stop in and see grandma and say goodnight, but I just couldn't go through more awkwardness so when my dad called and asked if we stopped, I fibbed and said Em was melting down and we had to get her back and get her to bed.  Eh, it was sort of true.  I told him we were leaving around 7 or 8 in the morning and he said she wouldn't be up yet by then so I didn't even plan on stopping by in the morning.

Once we got her down, we watched a movie but we both passed out before it was over.  I don't normally sleep well away from home so I was pleasantly surprised that I fell asleep easily.  Of course it helped that this time we got a memory foam topper for the bed.  The bed in there sucks and this topper made it soooo comfortable.  I was hesitant to spend so much on it, they had a cheaper one, but this sucker was worth every penny.  Emily woke up around 4 for a bottle....they say babies tend to get off their schedules on vacation but I think she did great.  I gave her a last bottle at 9:30 when she usually gets another one around 11:30.  Had she gotten that later one I am sure she would have slept till at least 6.

This morning we got up early and got packed up and hit the road around 9.  It took forever to get home.  Without many stops and pushing the speed limit a bit the drive is about 3.5 hours, but with stopping for diaper changes, and to check the camper and driving slower because of the load, it took 7 hours to get home.  Of course part of that was driving past home to storage and unhooking, and picking up lunch.  We tried to eat there but she had a poopy diaper and the bathroom didn't have a changing table so we got it to go and went home.  I don't get it, a changing table is essentially a baby's toilet.  They wouldn't have a public restroom with just urinals and no regular toilets, so why not a changing table?  It takes virtually no maintanence, God knows they are never the cleanest things.

When a place doesn't have a changing table I think everyone with a baby should change their kid out amongst the rest of the people, especially where people are eating.  Maybe the place would think twice about not having a changing table.  If the counter is big enough I'll use that no problem, I have a travel changing pad in my bag, but this bathroom had absolutely no place to change her and there was no way I was putting her on the floor.

It was good to get home.  She was a little fussy for the rest of the evening and she didn't care for her bath tonight, but she conked out pretty quick after.  So my dad called me earlier and said my grandma was dissapointed we didn't stop by this morning, she thought she would get to see Emily again and even stayed home from church to see her.  My aunt had called my dad to give him a heads up.  You know my grandma is mad when she goes through the grape vine to let people know she isn't happy.  She's like a mob boss that puts out a hit. 
,
As I've gotten older, I've stopped caring as much what people think.  We do what is best for our family and if that means pissing other people off, well it happens.  We knew it would be a long drive with Emily and the camper, and I really didn't feel like lugging her out of the car and out of her carseat and then back in.  Besides, church was at 9 and we left at 8:50.  My grandma doesn't have a car, someone always comes to take her so how were we to know she didn't go to church when we went by.  So my dad said I should call her and apologize for not being able to stop.

Sigh, the only thing worse than visiting with her is calling her.  I didn't want to, and I was going to just keep putting it off until my dad stopped badgering me, but finally I decided to get it over with.  She must have been out in the garden though cause I got the machine.  Score!  So I did what my dad said and didn't have to talk to her.  I do feel a little bad if she truly did want to see her and was sad she didn't get to, but honestly I sometimes wonder how much of what my dad says is what she really feels and how much is what my dad projects on to her.  She certainly didn't seem like the person my dad has said has been "dying to meet that little girl".  I also think it has less to do with her being upset that she didn't get to see her, and more to do with the fact that she just likes to complain about what she thinks people should do.

So I've only got four days of maternity leave left.  I'm so sad to leave her.  My dad can't watch her on the first day he is supposed to since he's going up north to celebrate grandma's birthday so my stepmom is watching her Friday.  She's soooo excited, 10.5 uninterrupted hours with her Emily.  She text me today and said "111 hours till Grammy wins an Emmy".  Ha, so cute. 

My tennis starts in a few weeks, but I wasn't sure I would be able to do it this year afterall.  It's two nights a week from 7-8:30 in the same city my dad lives in.  It would be a pain to go pick her up after work, drive home and then basically turn back around and go back for tennis....plus there is a good chance Ryan won't even be home from work by then to watch her.  I also don't want to leave her at my dad's during that time because 7 am to 5:30pm M-F is already a long time he has to watch her, I don't want to add another 6 hours a week to that.

But he told me today my aunt has offered to come over during those hours to watch her so I can play tennis.  I had thought about asking her since she lives down the street from him, but I thought that was asking too much, but my dad said she's thrilled to come spend time with her a few hours a week.  I may not have the relationship with my grandma I want, but we're very lucky to have the rest of my family that is so generous.