6 months

My little peanut turned six months on Friday.  I can't believe how big she's getting.  I was buying her some 9 month jammies today and I picked up a newborn one and I just couldn't believe she used to fit in that size.  We've upped her bottles to 8 ounces now and I'm going to cut out her midnight bottle.  She doesn't seem to sleep any different with or without it, but without it completely she wouldn't get enough ounces, and the one time I skipped her midnight bottle for two nights she got constipated.  So hopefully just adding a few ounces to each bottle during the day and evening will work.  Plus this way if I want to go to bed earlier, I don't have to wait for her feeding.

I just started putting her in overnight diapers too so most of the time she makes it through the night just fine and stays dry.  Since her first food last week she's since had sweet potato, carrots, and banana.  We went up north this weekend and I forgot to take her homemade food so we bought some Gerber Bananas and she had that Friday night.  The next morning she had a bad rash on her bum and I wonder if it was from the jar bananas.  Would she get it only on her bum if it was from the food?  My book said it would be an impressive rash.  She's gotten diapers rashes before and she did have a poopy diaper that morning so maybe she just sat in it too long before she woke me up, but it was kind of blistery and it's never looked like that.

I plan to make most of her food except for having some jars on hand for emergencies, so maybe I'll stick with the Beechnut which she's already had and avoid Gerber just in case.  We see our new doctor tomorrow, I'm kind of nervous, I hope we like her.  I am not looking forward to her having her shots again.  Though as much as I hate to see her cry, I have to admit, she is so darn cute when she cries.  It breaks my heart but at the same time I can't help but think she's so adorable.  Lately she seems to be hurting herself and therefore crying a lot more.  But it's likely just because she's more mobile and has more opportunity to get hurt.  Today I had her sitting on the floor between my legs and I wasn't paying attention for a minute and she fell forward onto her face.  Ooops.  And then she fell asleep on me on the couch tonight so I went in to put her in her crib, she rolled in my arms and whacked her head on the bars.  And the other night my dad carried her sleeping from his place out to our camper and put her down in her pack 'n play but he bent over too far and his phone fell out of his shirt pocket and bonked her on the head.  Poor baby.

My first instinct is always to comfort her, which I do for a few seconds, but then I try to make her laugh and smile and forget about it.  I want a strong girl, I don't want her to fall to pieces every time she gets hurt.  It's hard though, I hate to see my baby in pain. 

We went to my cousin's wedding on Saturday and at the reception we were sitting by another cousin and his wife and their daughter just loved Emily.  She kept hugging her all night and she'd put her hands on her face and Emmy would laugh and smile.  Sooo adorable.  Lindsay will be 3 in January so I love that she's only two years older and they'll likely be friends as they get older.  Ryan gets along with her dad, my cousin Brian really well and we almost always hang out with him and his wife Connie when we're up there, so it'll be cool if our kids our friends too.  They're expecting another girl in January.  Yay girls! 

I would really like a boy someday, but I have to say, if we got another girl I wouldn't be heartbroken at all.  Speaking of, I've had a little bit of baby fever lately.  Not sure if it's because I am really ready for another, or if it's just all the baby news lately.  Our friends had a baby in June, my cousin and his wife had a baby a few weeks ago, a friend just announced they're due with their fourth in March and said cousin above is due with their second in January.  I have a lot of reasons to be scared and hesitant, but lately my desire for another has been kind of outweighing that.

But I decided I won't make a decision until at least when Emily turns one.  But lately I have been kind of missing being pregnant.  I would have to say right now if I was leaning one way or the other, it would be more toward having another.  After having one successful pregnancy since Kayla it does make things a little bit easier.  But at the same time, March isn't that far away.  Am I ready?  I'd like to lose more weight first, it would be nice to not have GD this time if I can help it.  I said I would go on the pill until January and give my body a little time to regulate and then maybe start trying again, but wow, it's almost October already.  Am I ready to go off from it in January?  Such decisions.  But it really is true, you forget about all of the pain and stress of pregnancy.  But at least next time I can skip all of that 32 hours of labor bullshit, just schedule the repeat Csection, go in at 6am and have a baby at 8am.  And, I will admit, I've already thought about how we would tell our family.  I'd put Emily in a big sister shirt and see how long it takes people to figure it out.  Well, I've got six months, maybe by then I'll have a better idea of what I want to do.

I took Emily for her six month pictures on Friday.  We went to a new studio, a place my friend takes her boys.  I really liked them too, very nice and we ended up with great pictures.  We also got to take them home the same day which was awesome.  Only problem is I ended up ordering way too much, so I've been hounding people to take a lot.  In December we'll get family pictures taken in addition to Emily's 9 month pics.  I'm so excited to get a nice family picture taken.  Ryan is going to wear a navy blue Polo sweater, I'm going to wear a white shirt and I found the cutest navy and white casual dress for Emmy.  Then I'll have her christmas pics taken in a cute little dress. 

So here are some pics, Emily with her second cousin Lindsay and one of her six month pics with Kayla Bear.

Firsts

So many new firsts lately, my baby girl is getting so big.  But it's fun, I'm loving this age.  A couple weeks ago we went out to dinner and tried a restaurant high chair for the first time.  She did well, between the cart cover and stuffing a couple blankets in behind her she fit just fine.  It's nice to have her at the table instead of on the floor in the carseat, or trying to find someplace for the carseat.

She got a little crabby and we had to take her out but dinner started at 7 and we usually start her bedtime routine around 7:30, so we were out a bit late for her but it couldn't be helped.  We went out to dinner last night for our niece's birthday and Emily sat in the highchair again and did really good....until she launched forward and bumped her head on the table.  Poor baby, but she was ok. 

Last week I took her for a walk at this park where I used to work.  It was my first job at a city pool and the park is behind the pool so we walked around the track twice.  It was so weird being back there, I don't think I have been back there since my last day working there in 1997.  That's where I met my first boyfriend.  As I was walking I was just looking around and could remember everything so vividly, the place I spent 6 days a week at for three summers, seems like just yesterday.  I can't believe that was almost 20 years ago.  So after our walk I put Emily in a swing, she really liked it.  She held onto the chains like a big girl and she'd laugh everytime it came back toward me.  I thought she would be too little for the seat but she fit pretty well.

Then I sat her on my lap and swung a little on the big swings.  Holy crap, my hips were a bit smaller the last time I was on those.  As we were swinging this little girl came up to us, she wanted to see Emily.  Her grandma said her name is Julianna, so cute.  She couldn't have been more than a year old and she kept saying baba, baba.  I think it is so cute when little kids love babies, like they don't know they are still babies themselves.  She kept touching her hand and stroking her hair and Emily just looked at her like what is going on.

Then she'd run over and look in her stroller.  We were getting ready to leave so Julianna's mom was like come on, they're going bub-byes and she started crying.  She just loved Emily, so cute.  My little niece and nephew love her too, everytime they see her they run over and coo all over her, aww baby Emily.  They always want to feed her and hold her.  I'm not too shocked that my neice loves her, she's 5 but I'm kind of surprsed my nephew is so taken by her, he's 8, I figured he'd be too cool for babies.  He melted my heart when they came to see us in the hospital.  He said to Ryan, so if baby Kayla were still alive you would have two daughters?  I love that they remember her and talk about her.  Then they kept looking at the controls at the foot of my bed and I was like oh don't touch those, it might shoot me out into the hallway.  They thought that was so funny.

Our friend's boys love her too, as do my best friend's sons.  I'm so glad she's got so many older cousins and friends to look out for her and play with her, just in case she never ends up having any earth siblings.  Between her cousin, Amanda's boys and Dan's boys she'll have plenty of "big brothers" to watch out for her.

Saturday was the second annual Rock N Walk in remembrance of Kayla.  It was a nice day, a little chilly.  We ended up raising $580, which was more than our goal of $300!  My dad made fun of me for having Emily bundled up like it's winter but I still don't think she was warm enough, when the wind picked up it was really chilly.  We got a bundle me for her carseat from our shower, but I never used it because she was so tiny leaving the hospital and it kind of enveloped her.  Oddly enough it had been in my backseat until a couple weeks ago when I cleaned out the car.  So I put it in her carseat to go to dinner yesterday and she loved it.  As soon as I put her in she got this mystified look on her face and she pulled it up over her and felt the softness.  It was really cute.

So last night we tried "solids" for the first time.  More solid than formula of course but that shit is so damn runny.  We tried rice cereal first.  She made a few faces, but she really liked the spoon.  She didn't seem to be a huge fan.  My friend had given us some jars of baby food that her kids were done with but hadn't expired yet so I tried some sweet potato.  A few funny faces but by halfway through she seemed to really like it, and tonight she was so excited when I put her in her highchair.  She's so cute, she gets it all over her face, on her bib, her hands.  Thank goodness we had an extra tub for wipes we can keep on the kitchen table for after feedings. 

I bought a little steamer from Babies R Us and made her some carrot puree tonight and also some banana.  I fed her a tiny bit of carrot and she seemed to like it but I'll wait on the banana.  I want her to try mostly veggies first because I have a feeling she will love fruit and not want to go back to veggies.  I love my little oxo food trays, I have three trays in the freezer right now so I can make more than two weeks of food at a time and freeze them.  I'll keep some jars on hand but I hope to make most of her food, I'm home, no reason not to.  And the stuff I made tonight would have just gotten thrown out so it was cool to not waste food and get baby food out of it.

When I first started staying home I thought maybe I would start cloth diapering since I was now home and would have time to do the laundry.  So I watched a cloth diapering 101 on youtube and was all excited, I was ready to go order some.  Then I watched a second video and was like, eh, it looks like too much work.  Thankfully making baby food doesn't seem to be as much work.

Here is my baby eating her first big girl food and on the swing

First ER visit

I got the pleasure of taking Emily to the ER tonight.  She's fine and we were back home within two hours.  Thankfully it wasn't an "OMG we have to go to the ER now" kinda visit, I was just a bit concerned and would have just called her doctor had it been during business hours.

Lately she's been getting really phlegmy when drinking her bottle.  She can usually fix it with a burp or her attempt at clearing her through, but tonight after her bottle her burp really bothered her, like it brought the phlegm up but not out and it was like stuck between her nose and throat.  She cried a lot and everytime she breathed you could hear it rattling around in there.

I tried to suck some of it out with the bulb but felt like I was doing more harm than good.  Finally she didn't seem to be struggling as much, but she was inconsolable.  Sometimes just changing rooms helps, so we went out in the living room and within seconds she fell asleep on my chest.  She woke up a few times like she was in distress but quickly went back to sleep, so I tried to put her down in her crib but she woke up and started scxreaming again.  She was all phlegmy sounding again and she'd whimper and snort and then cry and her poor face was all red because she kept rubbing her eyes and she was crying.

I wasn't too worried about her right then, but I wasn't too keen on the idea of leaving her alone if she finally did go to sleep.  I was worried she might still have issues breathing while sleeping.  I was also concerned that maybe she was coming down with something.  So off to the ER we went.  She had a very low grade fever but that might have just been from being all worked up and upset.  But the doctor said her lungs were clear and her ears were fine.  She explained that babies her age aren't very good at clearing the crap out of their throats, but she hadn't aspirated and her lungs sounded fine so it was all just in her throat. 

She said just sitting her upright and using the bulb to try to get it out is the best you can do.  Actually she spit up quite a bit at the hospital so had I just waited a bit she probably would have done it at home and been fine.  But, I'd say I did pretty good for my first trip to the ER freak out.  Had it been during the day I likely would have just kept trying, or maybe called her doctor but just the fact that it was bedtime and I was worried about leaving her to sleep was the main reason I took her in.  But everyone was very supportive of me bringing her in, saying they would have done the same thing when their kids were little.  It's always nice to hear that you're not being an irrational worried first time mom.  Or that I was, but everyone is like that.

So our outing cost a nice $350, but in ER terms, the wait wasn't long at all and I have peace of mind, and that is worth every penny.

So we're doing that walk for Kayla on Saturday.  I'm excited, I hope there is a bigger turn out this year.  Last year was the first one, so it was quite small, I'm hoping to see it continue to grow each year.  I don't remember if I have written about this or not, but we fundraised again this year.  Our goal was $300 and we had raised about $50 already when we got a single donation for $500!  I was so amazed, what a generous gift!  I was so happy that we were able to not only meet, but exceed our goal.  Our babies funerals and grave markers are about the only thing we can do for our angels, and it makes me happy that we're able to help families do that who otherwise couldn't afford it.

There is a fairly new grave next to Kayla's, and for a while they had the temporary marker on it.  I've seen other graves with those markers on them for as long as Kayla's been there, but now they're all gone.  I assume the cemetery lets people use them as long as they don't need them, but when they start to run low they must go through and collect them all.  There are several graves in the baby garden that just have a garden stone, or just flowers and teddy bears but no actual grave marker, most likely because the parents can't afford it.  But this sweet baby has nothing on her grave, I am not even sure anymore where the actual grave is since the grass grew in.  I wish I could contact those parents and buy them a grave marker.  It makes me so sad.  I think I'll buy a little something, maybe a spinner or something and put it there the next time I go.  That sweet little girl should have at least something to show she's there.

So there is this local group that makes baby gowns for stillborns out of donated wedding dresses.  I haven't yet been able to part with my wedding dress, but I donated a prom dress, a homecoming dress and two bridesmaid dresses since they need other colors for the boys vests and such.  So anyway, they are teaming up with the organization that's doing the walk this Saturday, so they put something on FB about the walk, and the agenda for the day.  The final thing of the day is a balloon release.  So this one woman commented, oh please don't do the balloon release, it's bad for the environment, and a few people agreed so they said they would pass the concern along.

Oh shut the eff up.  I hate litter bugs and garbage and I care about the environment, but I have never in my life found a balloon that had landed from a balloon release.  If it were such a problem wouldn't they be found all over?  But ya know what is found all over?  Cigarette butts, paper, fast food garbage, etc.  Why don't they go after the pigs that leave this crap lying all over the place, and let us have our balloon release.  I'll be pissed if I find out this person isn't even a loss mom.  Don't butt in telling us what to do or not to do to honor our babies.  I hardly think releasing some balloons for our babies is going to send the world into a tailspin.  Go pick up garbage on the side of the highway if you're that concerned.  Besides, I am less inclined to pick up trash because you never know what's on it, where it's been.  But I think most people would pick up a landed balloon with a note on it, if nothing else, to be nosey and read the note.

Eeeeks, I am one tired mama, I am off to bed.

Overwhelmed

While being sorry that it has happened to other people, it is of course nice sometimes to know you are not alone.  To know you are not the only person the universe picked to shit on and torture, to know someone else out there knows pretty damn close to exactly what you are going through.  But there are other times, like now the knowledge that others are hurting too is like the weight of the world.

I'll be glad when this week is over.  I think things are especially weighing on me because Friday is the 10th anniversary of mom's death.  My whole body, mind, and heart can feel it, so I am extra sensitive to all of the bad things in the world.  I said I got really sad over the loss mom who just experienced her second later loss, and just now I read an intro from a woman whose 3 year old daughter died last week.  I just have absolutely no idea how a person gets through that, I really don't.  Emily is 5.5 months if God forbid if anything happened to her I think I would curl up into a ball and just die.

I think I just feel too much for other people, I take in their grief and it becomes heavy.  Just knowing how much bad shit there is in the world just kills me.  And then, other people that keep adding to my grief and annoyances, some days I just want to scream.  My SIL is always yacking about how she wants twins, and how she can handle twins no problem.  Emily is an easy baby, like ridiculously easy, but there are days I cannot even fathom there being two of her.  She has no idea what she is talking about.  Being pregnant is hard, but being pregnant with twins is super hard I am sure.  Taking care of one newborn is hard, but two has got to be more than twice as hard.

I've always been annoyed by her twin talk because she is wishing for what is essentially a high risk pregnancy, to a woman who would kill to not be high risk.  About a month ago, I heard through the grapevine than an old co-worker and his wife had just lost their twins at 21 weeks.  I didn't know the details, but given the gestation and since it was twins, I am going to guess incompetent cervix.  So I sat down and wrote a long email to her and my brother, giving them some loving advice.  Basically the advice was, be very careful with Clomid, if you ever need it make sure it is given to you by a doctor who knows what they are doing.

I always knew twins were often premature, but I had no idea how common it was to lose them to IC even when the woman likely wouldn't have had IC with a singleton pregnancy.  I felt like knowing that and not passing the information on would be incredible wrong, especially if they ever did get pregnant with twins and lost them.  Like I knew something that could potentially save them some heartache had they known.  Neither one of them said anything about it.....well no, my SIL said wow thanks for the info, I'll read it more in depth later, but then never said anything more about it.

Well as it turns out, they're going to need some help getting pregnant.  I feel terrible for them, but it sounds like they are on board with their options, or at least as on board as they can be.  But just the other day she said again that she wonders if her doctor would try to promote twins through the avenue in which they have to use to get pregnant.  OMFG, do you not listen to a damn word I say?  I mean, I know it isn't up to me if they have twins or try for twins, but I'm not telling them twins could up their chances of the babies getting a cold, it could up their chances of their babies DYING!

As someone who has been through it, I don't want anyone to go through what I did if they just had enough information to try to avoid it.  Plus the fact that she just won't catch on to the fact that I don't want to hear her wishing for a high risk pregnancy.  It also bugs me why she wants twins....well, I don't really know if there is an unselfish reason for wanting twins....but her and my brother are older and it may be their only shot at having two kids.

Are you kidding me?  Would I like another baby?  Yes, sometimes I think I would.  Would I like to give Emily another sibling that she can have here on earth with her, yeah that would be nice.  But after struggling through IF and loss for three years, I am beyond thankful to have her.  That is much of why I am hesitant to have another.  I got what I wanted, I should quit while I am ahead.  For some people it makes sense to try for more, but for us I am not sure it does. 

My brother and his wife do not have any kids, and I am sad for them, and I pray that they get the chance.  But quit getting the cart ahead of the horse.  Wish for one happy baby, thank your lucky stars if you get it, and then worry about a second if the time comes.  Don't wish for a dangerous pregnancy just so you can get two for the price of one.  And while I am on the rant, I hate hate hate when people say they don't care what the sex of the baby is, as long as it's healthy.  I get what they mean, but I just want to say, and what if it isn't healthy, are you going to ask for a refund?

Ugh, I'm sad and angry tonight.  I'm going to feed my baby and hug her and thank my lucky stars for her and then go to bed.  Poor thing wasn't feeling too well today, she's a little constipated and/or teething.  She'd go from happy and laughing to crying and sobbing.  My poor sweet baby, I hate when she doesn't feel well.