Tennis fail

When I first took Emily to the daycare at the gym, she adapted perfectly and was so good.  No tears, no apprehension.  We said bye and she said bye and all was good.  She was a little nervous for ballet, but she went with the other kids and did great.  Gymnastics, she made me walk her to the door of the gym but then she was fine and went running in all excited.  She did great with swimming too....she was a little nervous some days because she does not enjoy dunking her head under, but otherwise she did fine.  On the morning of the first day of VBS, she said she was a little nervous, but she was totally fine once there and was great about me leaving.

She started tennis yesterday and bam....crying, tears, wouldn't leave my side.  She wouldn't even go try.  I kept telling her she needed to try and if she didn't like it she didn't have to do it.  I hated to see her little sad face, crying and clinging to me.  I so badly want to say it's ok baby, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you can stay snuggled up to me forever.  But I know that's not what is best for her.  There were a ton of things my dad made me do growing up that I HATED and I was just adamant that I would never like.  And most of the time I ended up loving it.  And even if I didn't, I was better for having tried it.

So I KNOW what the answer is, I know she needs to at least try it, but she just wasn't budging.  I thought maybe I didn't hype it up enough.  For her other stuff, I talked about it a lot and got her all excited.  I kind of forgot she was even going to be doing it, so I didn't talk about it a whole lot.  I got her on the court for about 30 seconds yesterday, she swung at a few balls and I think even hit 2 out of 3 of them...and when that drill was over she came running off the court to me, crying her little heart out.

Yesterday at my dad's he practiced with her and she dragged him outside 3 times to play, and she was all excited and said she was going to play today.  She even pinky promised.  Today we got to the courts and she said she was going to try.  I even tried bribing her, telling her that if she tries, she'll get a treat at Target.  She said ok!!

But as soon as the coach called them on the court, she stepped back and clung to me again.  I said I thought you were going to try today and she said no.   I reminded her about her treat from Target and she said she didn't want it.  I again got her on the court for less than a minute but as soon as the coach came over to talk to her, she stepped back a few steps and then didn't want to try. 

I told her if she wasn't going to try, then we needed to leave and she said ok, so we started to walk off the court when she said no I want to try.  So we went back but the second she got close, she ran off again.  So I said ok we're going.  Then the entire way to the car she was crying and whining that she wanted to try.  I told her I wasn't going to play those games all day, she had plenty of chances to try.  So then she kept whining for a treat from Target, but I told her no because she didn't really try.

Does she need to play tennis?  Will her life be negatively impacted if she doesn't play tennis?  No, of course not. Though I admit I am a bit disappointed because I love tennis and it would be awesome if she does too eventually and we could play together as she gets older.  But I will never force her to do something like that if she doesn't want to do it.  But I was frustrated and baffled that she has done so well with all her other classes and lessons, but this one she acted as though I was taking her off to be slaughtered.

She's seemed relatively unscathed from me and her dad's separation thus far, but since the first week he moved out, she has been wanting to sleep with me in my bed.  I've been letting her most nights because I just do not have the strength and patience to fight her, especially when I have to work after she goes to bed.  I don't mind her being in my bed at all, and if she is feeling a little insecure from the recent change in our house, I have no problem with giving her some extra comfort and security.  But, many people have advised me to discourage it, or it'll be impossible to break later.  I myself remember certain periods where I slept in my mom's bed as a kid, and I remember how hard it was to go back to my own bed at first.  But I survived, I turned out ok.  But I do think the fact that she doesn't ever want to sleep in her room anymore is troubling.  If she just asked every couple days to sleep with me, but was fine sleeping in her own bed when I said no, then I wouldn't worry about her coming into my bed now and again.  But she wants to sleep with me every single night now, and it's a huge fight to get her to stay in her own room.

So I don't know....I don't know if her resistance to tennis is somehow related to being upset over the separation.  The last thing she went to was VBS and she loved it and had no issues whatsoever.  The very first day she went, was the day her dad moved out except later that day....so was she ok because by the time she knew what had happened, she had already started VBS and was fine?  Or is none of this related to the separation?  She did mention the fact that her coach is a boy.  She is shy, but she will warm up to women usually, but she tends to be a lot more shy and timid around men.

But, she did have male instructors for swimming sometimes when we had to do a makeup class and she seemed fine with them.  But then again she had already been in swimming for a couple weeks when she had to have a boy teacher.  Could it be that she has finally just reached the age where she realized she can speak up and say no she doesn't want to do something?  I don't know.  But I am nervous about her starting pre-school now.  She doesn't have to play tennis, but she does have to go to school.  I have been all along, but I'll make sure to keep getting her excited about school.  We need to go pick out a new backpack for her new academic career, so that should be exciting.  We want her to try soccer in the fall and go back to swimming once summer is over, so we'll see how she does with those things.

So tonight I was cooking dinner and she wanted to help, so I let her stir the soup.  We decided that it was "troll soup" since we had watched Trolls all day.  So we were naming crazy ingredients to put in it, and then she says wait, it's missing something.  She ran into the living room, and when she came back I thought she was tossing in an invisible pretend ingredient.  Nope, she sprinkled the soup with dog hair...yeeeeach!

Thankfully we had another can of soup.  Since we had more, it was funny, but if we hadn't had any, I would have been very sad. 

New chapter

So, as I write this post, it's official.  My husband and I are separated.  Well, not legally official, but as official as unofficial gets.  It's been hard...making the decision to split up my family is of course the hardest one.  From the moment you see those two pink lines your life is no longer yours, and every decision you make affects your little one.  Sometimes in a good way, and sometimes badly and in this crazy world called parenting sometimes it's really hard to determine which side of that fine line you're on.  Or maybe you have to make a decision that hurts them in the short run, in order to benefit them in the long run.

I love my husband very much, but for many reasons that I won't get into, this separation was very necessary so that I can slow down, breathe, and decide which direction to take my life in.  Emily and I are doing ok, we're just trying to adjust to what is our new normal for now.

There are so many sad things about separation and divorce.  I think back to our wedding day...how happy we were and how hopeful.  Nobody or at least I would say very few people walk down that aisle assuming they will ever divorce one day, but sadly it is a reality for so many.  One of the things that digs into my heart so much is all we have been through together, namely, losing Kayla.  Losing her is a bond we will share forever, and I do worry what will happen to that bond over the next several weeks, months, and years.  Nobody else on this planet knows what I went through except for him.  Nobody else knows the love I feel for her as a parent, and even though we don't talk about her a whole lot to each other, I do worry that I am losing the one person I can dissolve into tears in front of and he knows exactly how I am feeling.

I guess that's a silly thing to worry about right now when I've got so much more on my plate.  But I still do.  I don't know what our future holds, but I wish just one thing, that we can both find the strength to be the best parents we can be, both to Emily and our sweet angel in Heaven.

I suppose my entries from here on out may be a little different now, but my blog is no stranger to transformation.  It started as a venting platform for my first miscarriage and the struggles of infertility, then it morphed into a pregnancy journal, and for the last four years, a parenting blog.  Now I am on to the next chapter of my life, and my journey as a "single mom".  I say that in parenthesis because I don't like that term as long as dad is still in the picture.

So, it'll be tough, but we'll be ok.  A wise man once said (just kidding, I have no idea who said it), "It's ok to be a glow stick.  Sometimes we need to break before we shine".