New chapter

So, as I write this post, it's official.  My husband and I are separated.  Well, not legally official, but as official as unofficial gets.  It's been hard...making the decision to split up my family is of course the hardest one.  From the moment you see those two pink lines your life is no longer yours, and every decision you make affects your little one.  Sometimes in a good way, and sometimes badly and in this crazy world called parenting sometimes it's really hard to determine which side of that fine line you're on.  Or maybe you have to make a decision that hurts them in the short run, in order to benefit them in the long run.

I love my husband very much, but for many reasons that I won't get into, this separation was very necessary so that I can slow down, breathe, and decide which direction to take my life in.  Emily and I are doing ok, we're just trying to adjust to what is our new normal for now.

There are so many sad things about separation and divorce.  I think back to our wedding day...how happy we were and how hopeful.  Nobody or at least I would say very few people walk down that aisle assuming they will ever divorce one day, but sadly it is a reality for so many.  One of the things that digs into my heart so much is all we have been through together, namely, losing Kayla.  Losing her is a bond we will share forever, and I do worry what will happen to that bond over the next several weeks, months, and years.  Nobody else on this planet knows what I went through except for him.  Nobody else knows the love I feel for her as a parent, and even though we don't talk about her a whole lot to each other, I do worry that I am losing the one person I can dissolve into tears in front of and he knows exactly how I am feeling.

I guess that's a silly thing to worry about right now when I've got so much more on my plate.  But I still do.  I don't know what our future holds, but I wish just one thing, that we can both find the strength to be the best parents we can be, both to Emily and our sweet angel in Heaven.

I suppose my entries from here on out may be a little different now, but my blog is no stranger to transformation.  It started as a venting platform for my first miscarriage and the struggles of infertility, then it morphed into a pregnancy journal, and for the last four years, a parenting blog.  Now I am on to the next chapter of my life, and my journey as a "single mom".  I say that in parenthesis because I don't like that term as long as dad is still in the picture.

So, it'll be tough, but we'll be ok.  A wise man once said (just kidding, I have no idea who said it), "It's ok to be a glow stick.  Sometimes we need to break before we shine".