Praise Jesus, I finally got my period! Ok so Jesus probably doesn't care about one chick's menstruating habits, but praise him anyway!
It's ridiculous how happy I am to have it. The cramps are vicious, I am not sure if they're worse due to the provera or if it's just been so friggin long that I can't remember how they feel. But strangely enough I am happy to have the cramps. It feels so good to see CD1 on my chart rather than CD146. Now I am just praying my body will regulate and I will O so I won't be stuck in another looooong cycle.
I was toying with taking Maca again, or even Vitex I've been reading about that is supposed to help with PCOS and ovulation. But I decided not to mess with any of that stuff...it's probably safe and ok, but I'd rather just lose weight and get my cycles back on track that way. I'm giving myself a break for this week because I feel like hell with my period (so excited to say that) but starting Saturday I have got to get serious again. I was taking Maca when I got pregnant in December and this may not be the case, but I am so paranoid that taking it and then stopping it contributed to the miscarriage. I know self-blame is common after a miscarriage, but honestly I would rather it take a little longer to get pregnant, then to get pregnant and worry that something I took did damage.
Besides, I'd really like to lose weight before I get pregnant. I mean, I'll take a positive right now, but losing weight is definitely not a bad thing and I like the idea of getting my cycle back on track in a natural way. I've avoided weighing in for the last two weeks because I know I haven't done well and didn't want to see the gain, but I think I need to suck it up and weigh in tomorrow. I am terrified I will see that I've gained back the 6 pounds I lost....but if that happaned, it's not like not seeing it won't make it true. Plus maybe I need a shock to get my butt back into gear. Losing one pound a week is not that hard, so I need to just stop making excuses. I did it once, I can do it again.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Come on AF
I think it's on its way, yay I'm so happy. Today is day six since I took my last provera pill. I've been crampy off and on all week so I was thinking it would have started by now. I was even getting a little worried, but today I have been the crampiest I have been all week, and my cramps are pretty severe right now, and in addition to them it feels like my lower half is in a vise grip.
It's pretty much to the point that when I go to the bathroom next I will be changing from the panty liner to a pad because I feel that strongly that it will start soon. I can't believe how happy I am to be maybe getting a period. I just wish it meant for sure that I will O soon. I just got news that my position at work is going to be moved to our next door department and I am getting a new boss. How ironic will that be if I just move over there and then I end up knocked up and have to tell my new boss....um ok you just got me but now I'll be leaving for maternity soon. Sucks for her, but hopefully it will play out that way.
It's pretty much to the point that when I go to the bathroom next I will be changing from the panty liner to a pad because I feel that strongly that it will start soon. I can't believe how happy I am to be maybe getting a period. I just wish it meant for sure that I will O soon. I just got news that my position at work is going to be moved to our next door department and I am getting a new boss. How ironic will that be if I just move over there and then I end up knocked up and have to tell my new boss....um ok you just got me but now I'll be leaving for maternity soon. Sucks for her, but hopefully it will play out that way.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Torturing myself
I blocked this girl on facebook because she announced her pregnancy just a few weeks after my mc. I am happy for her, I just couldn't handle seeing all of her updates and her weekly pictures holding a sign of how many weeks she is (ok that's just slightly obnoxious). I mean, I plan on doing that too, but does it really need to be posted to facebook every week?
So anywho, sometimes like tonight I will purposefully go to her page and see what's new. Why do I torture myself like this? She is slightly further along than I would have been, but still I can't help but think there should be a picture of Ryan and I smiling like that, showing off my belly. I would have been 29 weeks today :(
Today was day two off provera....I have been having cramps, but not nearly as severe as "I feel like my period is going to start any minute". I am praying I wake up with it tomorrow. I think the last time I wanted so badly for my period to start was like 12 years ago. I had just came off BC because it was causing issues, my boyfriend and I at the time did use a condom and it didn't seem to break, but since I was already terrified about getting pregnant and this was our first time having sex since going off BC I was terrified when it was several days late. I took a test, negative of course but was still panicking. Little did I know your cycle would be messed up when coming off BC, I finally got it about a week and a half "late". How little I knew back then, ignorance is not always bliss.
So anywho, sometimes like tonight I will purposefully go to her page and see what's new. Why do I torture myself like this? She is slightly further along than I would have been, but still I can't help but think there should be a picture of Ryan and I smiling like that, showing off my belly. I would have been 29 weeks today :(
Today was day two off provera....I have been having cramps, but not nearly as severe as "I feel like my period is going to start any minute". I am praying I wake up with it tomorrow. I think the last time I wanted so badly for my period to start was like 12 years ago. I had just came off BC because it was causing issues, my boyfriend and I at the time did use a condom and it didn't seem to break, but since I was already terrified about getting pregnant and this was our first time having sex since going off BC I was terrified when it was several days late. I took a test, negative of course but was still panicking. Little did I know your cycle would be messed up when coming off BC, I finally got it about a week and a half "late". How little I knew back then, ignorance is not always bliss.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
last day
I took my last provera pill today, come on period!! I've been pretty crampy for the last couple of days so I am hoping CD1 is not far away. Doctor said within 72 hours of taking the last pill, but I have heard it could take up to 7 days. Please let me get it soon, I don't want to wait any longer and I certainly don't want cramps for longer than I need to have them.
It will be so weird to have a period again....at least I've saved money on tampons these last few months. My diet has not been going well this week....I didn't do terrible last week but I could have done better as I gained half a pound....I don't think I'll even bother weighing in this week, I would be crushed to see a big gain. I'll just skip it this week, and kick ass next week so I can hopefully see a loss. My grandpa has been in the hospital since last Friday so between being upset about that and just being short on time from going to see him, I've had a really hard time sticking to my diet.
Which is really frustrating because like I've said, if I could just lose 20 pounds, my period should come back on its own. I worry so much about provera giving me my period and then getting stuck in a long cycle again, but if I could just lose the weight that might not be an issue. But the beauty of screwing up is that you can always start again. Eat well this weekend, work out and drink plenty of water and I should be able to get back on track.
Right now I am only working out four days a week, Sunday, Tues, Thurs, and Saturday. The weekends aren't bad since I have more time and I'm not as tired, and I can go on a nice long bike ride which I usually enjoy and doesn't really feel like a work out. But it's my weekday work outs that suck....I actually did get up Tuesday and work out, that was rough. I got up, brushed my teeth, put in my contacts, got dressed and I was tying my shoes and I was STILL fighting with myself to not go back to bed. I think the only thing that kept me from doing so was right that minute was Ryan woke up so going back to bed was less of a temptation since he was awake.
I took my grandma to the hospital and got home kind of late and didn't feel like cooking we got Jimmy Johns for dinner. I should have worked out today, but I decided I already blew this week so bad, I might as well take it easy for the rest of the week....between my grandpa being sick, my period coming....this just isn't the week to be a hero and try to do everything right.
But tennis starts in one month and it's two nights a week, so that will take care of my weekday works outs and it's not hard at all to get myself to go to tennis. I love playing and I get to see all my friends that I haven't seen since last summer and my coach is awesome. So once that starts I only have to worry about my weekend work out. The only problem is tennis doesn't burn a lot....I mean we do somedays, but sometimes it's more of a social hour. And if the class is really big you spend a lot of time waiting in line before you hit. But that's ok, even if I only burn 100-200 calories, it's better than nothing.
Despite my worries about not ovulating, have a feeling that our time is coming. Like we'll get KU the first time around. Last time I got pregnant I would have been due just a couple weeks before my best friend's son was born, and if I get KU soon I'll be due in February and that's when her youngest son was born, so maybe it's lucky. I hate winter and I'd really rather not have a winter kid, but at this point I will take a baby anytime, anywhere....besides at least during the winter Ryan will be laid off and can be home with us more. I think that would be good for him for the three of us to bond and he can really learn how to take care of him/her. I just pray really really hard that I get KU again before August 10th which would have been my original EDD, that will be way too hard to go through the entire month of August without being pregnant again, knowing my little one should be here.
It will be so weird to have a period again....at least I've saved money on tampons these last few months. My diet has not been going well this week....I didn't do terrible last week but I could have done better as I gained half a pound....I don't think I'll even bother weighing in this week, I would be crushed to see a big gain. I'll just skip it this week, and kick ass next week so I can hopefully see a loss. My grandpa has been in the hospital since last Friday so between being upset about that and just being short on time from going to see him, I've had a really hard time sticking to my diet.
Which is really frustrating because like I've said, if I could just lose 20 pounds, my period should come back on its own. I worry so much about provera giving me my period and then getting stuck in a long cycle again, but if I could just lose the weight that might not be an issue. But the beauty of screwing up is that you can always start again. Eat well this weekend, work out and drink plenty of water and I should be able to get back on track.
Right now I am only working out four days a week, Sunday, Tues, Thurs, and Saturday. The weekends aren't bad since I have more time and I'm not as tired, and I can go on a nice long bike ride which I usually enjoy and doesn't really feel like a work out. But it's my weekday work outs that suck....I actually did get up Tuesday and work out, that was rough. I got up, brushed my teeth, put in my contacts, got dressed and I was tying my shoes and I was STILL fighting with myself to not go back to bed. I think the only thing that kept me from doing so was right that minute was Ryan woke up so going back to bed was less of a temptation since he was awake.
I took my grandma to the hospital and got home kind of late and didn't feel like cooking we got Jimmy Johns for dinner. I should have worked out today, but I decided I already blew this week so bad, I might as well take it easy for the rest of the week....between my grandpa being sick, my period coming....this just isn't the week to be a hero and try to do everything right.
But tennis starts in one month and it's two nights a week, so that will take care of my weekday works outs and it's not hard at all to get myself to go to tennis. I love playing and I get to see all my friends that I haven't seen since last summer and my coach is awesome. So once that starts I only have to worry about my weekend work out. The only problem is tennis doesn't burn a lot....I mean we do somedays, but sometimes it's more of a social hour. And if the class is really big you spend a lot of time waiting in line before you hit. But that's ok, even if I only burn 100-200 calories, it's better than nothing.
Despite my worries about not ovulating, have a feeling that our time is coming. Like we'll get KU the first time around. Last time I got pregnant I would have been due just a couple weeks before my best friend's son was born, and if I get KU soon I'll be due in February and that's when her youngest son was born, so maybe it's lucky. I hate winter and I'd really rather not have a winter kid, but at this point I will take a baby anytime, anywhere....besides at least during the winter Ryan will be laid off and can be home with us more. I think that would be good for him for the three of us to bond and he can really learn how to take care of him/her. I just pray really really hard that I get KU again before August 10th which would have been my original EDD, that will be way too hard to go through the entire month of August without being pregnant again, knowing my little one should be here.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Vacation time
Ugh, I had better get pregnant soon or this is going to be a loooooong year. I have a weeks vacation coming up in June. I debated, did the math, debated some more and finally decided to keep it. The reason I was debating is, I need two weeks vacation/sick time to take up the slack and receive 100% payment to go along with the 11 weeks paid time I'll get off. If I do not have the full two weeks, it will be unpaid time off. Not a huge deal, but if I can at all help it I would like to get paid. So I was trying to figure out, if I take this week in June, and I get pregnant NOW, by the time I'm ready to deliver I would just barely have two weeks saved up....but then I tried figuring for the worst, what if I went into labor as early as 30 weeks (very early, but I was erring on the side of caution).
Finally I said screw it, I'm taking the week off in June. At the worst I might be a few days short, and I think we can survive a couple days unpaid, and that's IF I even get knocked up soon. I am in bad need of a vacation and I don't want to go rearranging my life on the chance I could get pregnant soon.
Well my work just acquired a new company and the conversion will be taking place this winter/spring. In order to prepare for it, all extended vavation requests (anything more than 3 days) from October to March of next year will most likely be denied. Now, I am a hard worker, but I am not part of that 57% of Americans (something like that, I read an article earlier) that don't take most of their vacation time. I work hard, but I also deserve breaks to recharge my batteries, so most years I use my 3 weeks and only carry over a few days. By October, I will have accumulated another week, but even if I am not pregnant yet that's probably risky to take any more time off....maybe I can, I'm not sure, I'll do the math closer to the time. So basically after my vacation in a couple of weeks, I won't be getting another one until at least April of next year. Ugh, that's so going to suck.
I know it's a trivial problem, a lot of people's job, if they even have one, doesn't give good vacation time. And many don't have good maternity time so I know I am lucky to have all of that, but still, the idea of going 10 months without a week off makes me a little short of breathe.
Finally I said screw it, I'm taking the week off in June. At the worst I might be a few days short, and I think we can survive a couple days unpaid, and that's IF I even get knocked up soon. I am in bad need of a vacation and I don't want to go rearranging my life on the chance I could get pregnant soon.
Well my work just acquired a new company and the conversion will be taking place this winter/spring. In order to prepare for it, all extended vavation requests (anything more than 3 days) from October to March of next year will most likely be denied. Now, I am a hard worker, but I am not part of that 57% of Americans (something like that, I read an article earlier) that don't take most of their vacation time. I work hard, but I also deserve breaks to recharge my batteries, so most years I use my 3 weeks and only carry over a few days. By October, I will have accumulated another week, but even if I am not pregnant yet that's probably risky to take any more time off....maybe I can, I'm not sure, I'll do the math closer to the time. So basically after my vacation in a couple of weeks, I won't be getting another one until at least April of next year. Ugh, that's so going to suck.
I know it's a trivial problem, a lot of people's job, if they even have one, doesn't give good vacation time. And many don't have good maternity time so I know I am lucky to have all of that, but still, the idea of going 10 months without a week off makes me a little short of breathe.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Day 3
Well today is day three of provera, I cannot wait to finish it and get my period. I will be taking my last pill a week from today and then my doctor said I should get my period within 3-7 days. I hope it's on the shorter end of that spectrum, I think I've waited long enough. I'm happy to be on it, but now that I am I'm worried about a few things. Before I was taking action I could just be hopeful, but now that I am on the path, the hopefuls will become a reality. I am worried that once I get my period I won't ovulate, and just enter yet another long cycle. I am worried I won't be able to get my weight down fast enough to make a difference. But I'm trying to stay positive.
So back in December when I called for a prenatal appointment I was informed that my long time gyn no longer does OB. I like the office so I figured I'll just pick one of the two women OBs that are there. When I was in the other day the nurse asked if I know who I'll want as my doctor when I do get pregnant....just going on their picture alone I told her which one I was thinking about....I'm not sure why, she just looked friendly. Not that the other one didn't, but when all you have to go on is someones looks, you make decisions based on that. That's how I picked my real estate agent...she looked friendly in her pic, and she was, so bonus!
The nurse said well the only problem with Dr. Thompson is she is difficult to get an appointment with, you'd have a much easier time getting in to see Dr. Zhu. Since I will be taking time off work, and my personal days are limited ease of getting an appointment is pretty important. I cringe when I say this though, but Dr. Zhu is Asian and I am a little concerned if she has any kind of accent. I could care less that she is Asian, but if she is at all difficult to understand, I would prefer not to have her as my doctor. Having a baby is going to scare the crap out of me and I need someone I will feel comfortable with and can understand. But I would feel like a crap head asking the nurse about her speech because clearly I would only be asking because she looks Asian.
So anyway, I think I'll go to her to start because she is easier to get an appointment with, and if for some reason it isn't a good fit, I'll see if I can switch to the other one. Poeple do that right, switch doctors part way through pregnancy? Ugh, I so wish my regular gyn was still doing OB. Yeah he's a man so that can be a little awkward, but he's older and so so nice, so I never felt awkward. The other day during my exam he asked again what I do for a living and when I told him I work at a brokerage firm he went off in a rant about stock prices and his 401K...he does that a lot, gets you engaged in a conversation during the exam. I was pretty nervous about it this year because since the vaginismus I'm so afraid it will hurt, and that of course makes it hurt because I am tense...but his conversation totally took my mind off from the exam and it barely was more than a tad uncomfortable.
But such is life, I can't have him for my OB. I looked for some reviews online about Dr. Zhu but the only ones I found were rating ones (as opposed to people being able to say something about her) and one written one. The rating ones were good, she got 3.5 stars out of 4 and was given a score of excellent. But the written one was not a fan of her, saying she told her patient she would "die" if she chose a home birth like they were exploring. Of course there are two sides to every story, it's very possible she didn't say it quite so bluntly, but honestly I am not too surprised that an ob/gyn would be opposed to a home birth. They were trained and work in hospitals....and years and years ago childbirth was very dangerous for women but the risk has been drastically reduced due to modern medicine. I get that a woman would like to have a peaceful, relaxing experience, but this isn't a spa. We're not getting our toes done or a massage, we're squeezing a human being out of our uterus....I'll opt for a hospital where I can be monitored and have life saving equipment if need be. Besides, I didn't even know ob/gyns did home briths....I thought if you opted for that you get a midwife or a doula (I don't even know what a doula is). Maybe I am just incredibly misinformed, but those are my thoughts.
So back in December when I called for a prenatal appointment I was informed that my long time gyn no longer does OB. I like the office so I figured I'll just pick one of the two women OBs that are there. When I was in the other day the nurse asked if I know who I'll want as my doctor when I do get pregnant....just going on their picture alone I told her which one I was thinking about....I'm not sure why, she just looked friendly. Not that the other one didn't, but when all you have to go on is someones looks, you make decisions based on that. That's how I picked my real estate agent...she looked friendly in her pic, and she was, so bonus!
The nurse said well the only problem with Dr. Thompson is she is difficult to get an appointment with, you'd have a much easier time getting in to see Dr. Zhu. Since I will be taking time off work, and my personal days are limited ease of getting an appointment is pretty important. I cringe when I say this though, but Dr. Zhu is Asian and I am a little concerned if she has any kind of accent. I could care less that she is Asian, but if she is at all difficult to understand, I would prefer not to have her as my doctor. Having a baby is going to scare the crap out of me and I need someone I will feel comfortable with and can understand. But I would feel like a crap head asking the nurse about her speech because clearly I would only be asking because she looks Asian.
So anyway, I think I'll go to her to start because she is easier to get an appointment with, and if for some reason it isn't a good fit, I'll see if I can switch to the other one. Poeple do that right, switch doctors part way through pregnancy? Ugh, I so wish my regular gyn was still doing OB. Yeah he's a man so that can be a little awkward, but he's older and so so nice, so I never felt awkward. The other day during my exam he asked again what I do for a living and when I told him I work at a brokerage firm he went off in a rant about stock prices and his 401K...he does that a lot, gets you engaged in a conversation during the exam. I was pretty nervous about it this year because since the vaginismus I'm so afraid it will hurt, and that of course makes it hurt because I am tense...but his conversation totally took my mind off from the exam and it barely was more than a tad uncomfortable.
But such is life, I can't have him for my OB. I looked for some reviews online about Dr. Zhu but the only ones I found were rating ones (as opposed to people being able to say something about her) and one written one. The rating ones were good, she got 3.5 stars out of 4 and was given a score of excellent. But the written one was not a fan of her, saying she told her patient she would "die" if she chose a home birth like they were exploring. Of course there are two sides to every story, it's very possible she didn't say it quite so bluntly, but honestly I am not too surprised that an ob/gyn would be opposed to a home birth. They were trained and work in hospitals....and years and years ago childbirth was very dangerous for women but the risk has been drastically reduced due to modern medicine. I get that a woman would like to have a peaceful, relaxing experience, but this isn't a spa. We're not getting our toes done or a massage, we're squeezing a human being out of our uterus....I'll opt for a hospital where I can be monitored and have life saving equipment if need be. Besides, I didn't even know ob/gyns did home briths....I thought if you opted for that you get a midwife or a doula (I don't even know what a doula is). Maybe I am just incredibly misinformed, but those are my thoughts.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
My brother's girlfriend just posted on facebook, wishing all moms a happy mother's day and she addressed it to almost any kind of mother you can think of, and included angel moms. I almost burst into tears....I wanted to thank her for including angel moms, but she doesn't know about the miscarriage so that would be weird. But it really touched me.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Let's get this show on the road
Well apparently I was just seeing things on that one test. Or it was an evap line or something....I had the willpower to abstain from wasting a digi this morning, because even if there was a good chance I was pregnant, using a digi too early can still lead to a BFN. I kept that "positive test" and I still keep looking at it. You can still see the "whatever it is". Even if you hold it at arms length away you can still see it, so it's kind of confusing.
But I went to the gyn today for my annual and to get provera. I had an ultrasound done so they could tell how thick my lining was, because he said if my lining wasn't thick enough the provera wouldn't really do anything. When he came back in he said well, its thick.....I took that to mean it's not great but it's good enough to try the provera. They did a urine test which came back negative, and also a blood test. I want to be absolutely sure I am not pregnant before I start to provera, so I just have to wait until Monday probably for the results and if negative I can start the provera.
Thank God....I was really hoping to get my cycles back naturally by losing weight, but I keep falling off the wagon so it's taking a long time. As of today though I have lost 6.5 pounds....that's pretty good, it's definitely a good start. I am hoping if I lose 20 overall it will be enough to get my cycles back on a somewhat regular basis, especially if provera gets the ball rolling. From when I really got serious back in January or February, I would have lost 20 by now had I been diligent, but I wasn't so 6.5 it is. But hey, 6.5 is better than nothing right, and it's way better than gaining 6 pounds. Wow, I can't believe I let myself get back here. When I got down to my skinniest, I vowed never to let myself gain it back. But the important thing is I am not quitting, everytime I fall off I get back on again.
So I'm really excited to start the provera, to feel productive again. This last 4 months of not ovulating I have felt so useless. Wanting something so badly and not even being given the chance really sucks. I totally agree that unexplained infertility must be awful, but for the girls that having been trying like 4-10 months with no luck yet but still O on a regular basis and have normal 28-33 day cycles....I am so envious of them. Even if they get their period or get a BFN, they just have to wait a couple weeks and they can try again. Hope is always just around the corner, whereas all this time I felt like I could not only not win the race, but I couldn't even get to the track to compete. So I am hoping and praying the provera gives me a period and will get my body to ovulate. Who knows, maybe that's all we need and we can get pregnant on our first shot back in the game.
But I went to the gyn today for my annual and to get provera. I had an ultrasound done so they could tell how thick my lining was, because he said if my lining wasn't thick enough the provera wouldn't really do anything. When he came back in he said well, its thick.....I took that to mean it's not great but it's good enough to try the provera. They did a urine test which came back negative, and also a blood test. I want to be absolutely sure I am not pregnant before I start to provera, so I just have to wait until Monday probably for the results and if negative I can start the provera.
Thank God....I was really hoping to get my cycles back naturally by losing weight, but I keep falling off the wagon so it's taking a long time. As of today though I have lost 6.5 pounds....that's pretty good, it's definitely a good start. I am hoping if I lose 20 overall it will be enough to get my cycles back on a somewhat regular basis, especially if provera gets the ball rolling. From when I really got serious back in January or February, I would have lost 20 by now had I been diligent, but I wasn't so 6.5 it is. But hey, 6.5 is better than nothing right, and it's way better than gaining 6 pounds. Wow, I can't believe I let myself get back here. When I got down to my skinniest, I vowed never to let myself gain it back. But the important thing is I am not quitting, everytime I fall off I get back on again.
So I'm really excited to start the provera, to feel productive again. This last 4 months of not ovulating I have felt so useless. Wanting something so badly and not even being given the chance really sucks. I totally agree that unexplained infertility must be awful, but for the girls that having been trying like 4-10 months with no luck yet but still O on a regular basis and have normal 28-33 day cycles....I am so envious of them. Even if they get their period or get a BFN, they just have to wait a couple weeks and they can try again. Hope is always just around the corner, whereas all this time I felt like I could not only not win the race, but I couldn't even get to the track to compete. So I am hoping and praying the provera gives me a period and will get my body to ovulate. Who knows, maybe that's all we need and we can get pregnant on our first shot back in the game.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
It's official
I've lost my goddamn mind. After allowing that stupid thought of "maybe this spotting is implantation bleeding" enter my head, I haven't stopped thinking about it all week. So tonight I took a test...it was one of those imposter wondfos, they are HPTs in a blue package (but pink dye) that come free with an order of OPKs. They are skinnier than the pink package wondfos so I don't like them, I am not sure why.
So I waited the time, negative so I was about to throw it away when I thought I saw something. So I looked, and looked again and yes there was something there. Holy crap, this can't be happening can it? So now it's to the point where I can't not see it, but I am not sure if it's a line. Ugh, no I sound like those idiots that post and ask if it's a line or not. It kiiiind of looks like an evap line, but can you get an evap on a pink dye within the time frame....it was like maaaaybe 1 minute out of the time frame but I wasn't standing there watching it the whole time so who knows, this whatever it is could have shown up within the time frame.
So like I said, I don't know much about these tests so I used my very last pink package wondfo and it's negative. I am quite sure that means no, I mean if I were knocked up I would think the pink package wondfo would have said yes. But I needed a tie breaker, and nothing left so I wasted a digi. Stupid stupid, I knew it would be negative but I still just had to do it. And what's even dumber? I am pretty sure I am going to waste the only other digi I have tomorrow morning because I just have to test with FMU and I have nothing else to pee on. And dumber yet, since I was out of HPTs to pee on, I also peed on an OPK since they can sometimes indicate pregnancy. It was negative of course, but that didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat when I saw the faint second line and for two seconds thought it was the HPT.
I am 99% certain I am not pregnant, but when you see anything at all on a HPT you kind of freak out a little. And as much as I want a baby anyway, I have to say I was a little in love with the idea of just having sex out of the blue, having no idea I ovulated and getting pregnant during a 120+day cycle....plus it being mother's day weekend coming up, that would have just been so perfect my head would have exploded. It would have been a nice story. Now since this motherfucking test got my hopes up, I'm going to have to stop at the dollar store tomorrow for some tests because I need to take several more negatives to get the lovely idea of a positive out of my head. But I am going to the doctor tomorrow for provera so hopefully I will see a line for real very soon. Stepping away from the pee sticks now, and all things related.
So I waited the time, negative so I was about to throw it away when I thought I saw something. So I looked, and looked again and yes there was something there. Holy crap, this can't be happening can it? So now it's to the point where I can't not see it, but I am not sure if it's a line. Ugh, no I sound like those idiots that post and ask if it's a line or not. It kiiiind of looks like an evap line, but can you get an evap on a pink dye within the time frame....it was like maaaaybe 1 minute out of the time frame but I wasn't standing there watching it the whole time so who knows, this whatever it is could have shown up within the time frame.
So like I said, I don't know much about these tests so I used my very last pink package wondfo and it's negative. I am quite sure that means no, I mean if I were knocked up I would think the pink package wondfo would have said yes. But I needed a tie breaker, and nothing left so I wasted a digi. Stupid stupid, I knew it would be negative but I still just had to do it. And what's even dumber? I am pretty sure I am going to waste the only other digi I have tomorrow morning because I just have to test with FMU and I have nothing else to pee on. And dumber yet, since I was out of HPTs to pee on, I also peed on an OPK since they can sometimes indicate pregnancy. It was negative of course, but that didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat when I saw the faint second line and for two seconds thought it was the HPT.
I am 99% certain I am not pregnant, but when you see anything at all on a HPT you kind of freak out a little. And as much as I want a baby anyway, I have to say I was a little in love with the idea of just having sex out of the blue, having no idea I ovulated and getting pregnant during a 120+day cycle....plus it being mother's day weekend coming up, that would have just been so perfect my head would have exploded. It would have been a nice story. Now since this motherfucking test got my hopes up, I'm going to have to stop at the dollar store tomorrow for some tests because I need to take several more negatives to get the lovely idea of a positive out of my head. But I am going to the doctor tomorrow for provera so hopefully I will see a line for real very soon. Stepping away from the pee sticks now, and all things related.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I'm seeing spots
I had some very light spotting yesterday. Which brought on two thoughts....A. dear God please don't let this be my period. I'm going to the doctor on Friday for provera, (and my annual) if my period picks this week to make its long awaited debut, I'd have to reschedule my appointment...again. I just want to go and get it over with. Or B. maybe it's implantation bleeding. I cringe just thinking that let alone typing it. I know it's not....I hate when people post a thread about this, everyone says it's rare. But I still couldn't help my mind going there.
If I just ovulated out of the blue on or around that day, yesterday would have been 7-9DPO-ish, which is around when implantation happens. But how could I be that lucky? Nobody is that lucky to ovulate out of the blue like that in a 120+ day cycle, and just happen to have sex (it wasn't even for baby making purposes, imagine that) and end up knocked up? Ha, but of course if I wasn't trying to get pregnant, those are the exact circumstances it would happen in. I immediately think of Miranda on Sex and the City getting knocked up with a lazy ovary and Steve's one ball.
I thought I got that lucky once before when I randomly took an OPK, found it positive, I Od for the first time in 70 some days, did the deed only once and wound up pregnant, and just in time to announce at Christmas. Correction....I thought I was amazingly lucky, until I miscarried. So I refuse to believe that something this miraculous could happen again, AND it would stick. But a girl can dream right?
If I just ovulated out of the blue on or around that day, yesterday would have been 7-9DPO-ish, which is around when implantation happens. But how could I be that lucky? Nobody is that lucky to ovulate out of the blue like that in a 120+ day cycle, and just happen to have sex (it wasn't even for baby making purposes, imagine that) and end up knocked up? Ha, but of course if I wasn't trying to get pregnant, those are the exact circumstances it would happen in. I immediately think of Miranda on Sex and the City getting knocked up with a lazy ovary and Steve's one ball.
I thought I got that lucky once before when I randomly took an OPK, found it positive, I Od for the first time in 70 some days, did the deed only once and wound up pregnant, and just in time to announce at Christmas. Correction....I thought I was amazingly lucky, until I miscarried. So I refuse to believe that something this miraculous could happen again, AND it would stick. But a girl can dream right?
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Birthday Blues
Today is my birthday, I am 33. Sigh, I never thought I would be 33 and still no kids. I mean thankfully it's only partly due to the fact that my body isn't working and therefore cannot currently get pregnant. I have a lot of respect for women who have been trying for years with no success, I don't know how they stay sane. Mostly we just got a late start in life. I almost got engaged when I was 22, but that obviously didn't work out. But that's how I pictured my life going....get married and start having babies in my early 20s. But I didn't even meet my husband until I was 28, got married when we were 31 and waited six months to start TTC.
I have regrets, but really looking back there was nothing we could have done. I don't think getting engaged after 2.5 years is out of the norm....we had talked about getting married in 2009 but we ended up buying a house instead and frankly for a mortgage payment that is less than the rent we were paying, I cannot bring myself to regret that. Plus I love our house. I do sort of wish we could have started TTC right after we got married, Ryan even wanted to try just a few times and if it happaned it happened. My cycles were still regular then so part of me wants to kick myself for not trying, but....had I gotten pregnant in that time I would have been in the third tri and/or delivered before I finished grad school. That last four months was very stressful, there were a few days when I ended a study session by crying and heaving my books across the room. I don't think I could have handled that being sick/exhausted/just not feeling well or trying to care for a newborn. That sounds like absolute hell. So I need to just be content with the fact that these are the cards we were dealt and I made the best decisions I could. Clearly holding off on TTC till I was further along in school was the right decision and everything will work out. I don't know if I said this before in here, but my SIL posted a quote on her FB that said everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end. I really like that saying.
But yeah, I still can't help the age thing freaking me out a little. By the time I have a kid, we're looking at probably 36 or 37 for number two. I know I know, women are having babies much later now and medical advancements make it possible to have them later in life. But for me, I am not very comfortable with that. I don't want to be going on 50 when my kid turns 10. Plus despite medical advances, there are still some very real, scary risks associated with advanced maternal age. But lately I have become more and more accepting of the possibility of only having one child. I've always wanted two, my brother and I are very close and I can't imagine not having him around. But....it's not like being an only child is the worst thing in the world. My brother and I had some pretty horrific fights as kids, sibling rivalry can be very unpleasant. Plus I am rather anxious of the idea of coming home to two screaming kids, the house is a mess...basically utter chaos. My best friend just had her second and while I know she loves her boys more than anything, I can see the pure exhaustion and stress on her face. Trying to keep up with a toddler and take care of a new baby is really zapping her, and she has relatively easy kids...I can't imagine trying to do it with more, um, difficult children.
I guess the thing I am most scared of if we only have one child is them being lonely. No sibling for them to play with outside of friends, no one to have their back and understand them like no one else, and something I think of a lot since my mom died, someone to be there with you when your parents are gone. The idea of losing my dad someday before he turns 101 scares the hell out of me, but I cannot even imagine going through that without my brother. But then again, I am basing this all off of my own sibling relationship....my brother is an amazing brother, from the day I was born he has always been protective of me. Even when he is a pain in the ass, he's always had my back and I couldn't have asked for a better brother. He said when I was a baby, even though he was only 4 he would come into my room at night and stare at me and wouldn't leave until he saw that I was breathing :) But not everyone has this kind of relationship with their siblings.....many people co-exist with their siblings at best, but at worst they hate them. So yeah, I guess just having one kid isn't the end of the world....because right now I would give anything just to have one, and after that whatever will be will be.
Plus it's not like our kid would have no one. While most are quite a bit older, he/she will have 6 cousins that live pretty close by and I am still holding out hope that my brother will get married again and have kids that could be very close in age, since my brother and I are so close, its possible that our kids could be just as close as siblings. And of course I am hoping me and my best friend's kids will be friends. Ok, enough birthday blues talk, I actually had a great birthday so I don't want to bum myself out.
Something I have been so confused about lately is one of my good friends, or someone who used to be a good friend. She and I met at work, at the time I smoked so we would go out twice a day for a smoke break at work, and she and I became very close. She was there to listen to all my husband rants and she knew all about our struggles getting pregnant....she was even one of my bridesmaids. When I got pregnant in December, I was hesitant to tell her because it was so early and I was cramping so bad, but if the worst happaned I would of course tell her, so I decided to bask in my good news for the short time I had it. When I told her she immediately started crying and said "I'm going to be an auntie"? The next day I lost it so I texted her with the news because I couldn't bare to go back to work and see her all happy and have to tell her in person.
She seemed genuinely sorry for me when she replied to my text. The next day I kind of laid low at work, didn't really talk to people too much so when she didn't call to go out for a smoke (I had quit when we started TTC but still went out with her to chat) I didn't bother calling her either. I guess I was kind of in a blur because one day I realized hey, it's been like over a week since she called to go smoke. It wasn't really terribly unusual to not go out one day, but I don't think we had ever skipped two days or more of going on break together. The last couple times she and I had gone out for break before my miscarriage one of her friends/co-workers from her department came with us. I think she had quit but had recently started back up again. She's nice and all, but it was kind of awkward that I couldn't talk to my friend about stuff we would normally talk about with this other lady there. So here I am, emotions still raw from the miscarriage, my friend had not called to go on break nor had she called/text/facebooked to see how I was doing past that intital response to the bad news, and I knew she was now going out on break with this other lady. I guess all of that combined I felt replaced.
I felt like she wasn't being concerned about me and she just replaced me with her other friend. Yes I could have called her to go on break, but since she was the only smoker now we kind of went when she wanted to and I was feeling a little angry and hurt over her lack of compassion I guess. I didn't expect her to fall all over herself with pity for me....I acknowledge that what I went through was horrible and I was and still am very sad about it, but I also don't think what I went through was as bad as say, a third trimester lost or God forbid even later. So it's not like I think the entire world had to stop to pity me. BUT, after having a miscarriage I would have thought that a friend would check in at least once to see how I am doing, just to say hi, thinking of ya.....or just about anything in general. So when she didn't I was very hurt.
I let things go for about 6 weeks, then finally decided well, maybe she is struggling with what to say. I know sometimes when something bad happens people don't know what to say or they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all and bury their head in the sand. So I decided to swallow my hurt feelings and text her (ok so I never said I am good with confrontation) and asked her if everything is ok, that I haven't seen her in forever. I thought maybe that would get the ball rolling and we could be friends again....she texted back, said everything was great, just a little busy. We text back and forth a few times and then that was it....it didn't really change anything. I rarely see her at work unless we mean to since we work in different departments/different floors. So for the last 4 months we've had very little interaction....I emailed her when a mutual friend had her baby, she sent me a valentines ecard, she came down to our floor for a potluck and yelled and waved from across the room....stuff like that. So we've had friendly interactions, but compared to our relationship prior to six months ago, it's very weird. It's like we're both walking on egg shells, we're not fighting, we're friendly, but we're not friends like we were.
I'm kind of ashamed to say that the other day I saw her pull into the parking lot just ahead of me and in order to not run into her walking into the building, I hid out in my car until I saw her walk in. How sad is that? The very next day I noticed she was behind me for the second half of my drive to work. I was like shit, we're gonna get there at the exact same time again, what am I going to do, hide out in my car again, but thankfully she stopped at a gas station on the way. Tonight she "liked" a bunch of my graduation pics on facebook, congratulated me and wished me a happy birthday. So I mean, clearly she's not mad at me, we didn't get in a fight, things are just soooo awkward.
I've thought many times about just calling her up and say hey, wanna go out for a break? But I don't know what to do, I'm still a little hurt and angry, but I don't know if I have a right to be. I kind of feel like it was a case of mis-communication/mis-understanding on both of our parts, neither one of us is right or wrong but I don't know how to fix it. I mean, looking back I clearly could have called her back when this all first started. Maybe she thought she was giving me space when I didn't want space.
The thing that I hate the most about this is if she were a guy I'd march right up to her and say what the fuck is your problem, and we'd hash it out right then and there. I don't know how to communicate with other women...I've always been really shitty at confronting women. A guy? No problem, this would have been squashed a week into it, but with a woman friend I tip toe around and hide from her in my car. It's ridiculous. I miss her, I get sad when I look at wedding pictures because I am not sure if we'll ever have that relationship back again and when and if I get pregnant again I need her there. I guess I feel like I need either all or nothing....I need to either avoid the entire thing, or I need to spill everything and tell her how hurt I felt and I felt as though she kind of abandon me when I needed her. But both options frighten me because avoiding it all means I lose my friend, but confronting her and telling her how I feel means I have to make myself vulnerable by admitting how hurt I was and that feels very uncomfortable too.
Gah, I feel like I can't adequately express how I am feeling about this. I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that I am not ready to deal with it, and in time I will be. Hopefully that's sooner rather than later.
I have regrets, but really looking back there was nothing we could have done. I don't think getting engaged after 2.5 years is out of the norm....we had talked about getting married in 2009 but we ended up buying a house instead and frankly for a mortgage payment that is less than the rent we were paying, I cannot bring myself to regret that. Plus I love our house. I do sort of wish we could have started TTC right after we got married, Ryan even wanted to try just a few times and if it happaned it happened. My cycles were still regular then so part of me wants to kick myself for not trying, but....had I gotten pregnant in that time I would have been in the third tri and/or delivered before I finished grad school. That last four months was very stressful, there were a few days when I ended a study session by crying and heaving my books across the room. I don't think I could have handled that being sick/exhausted/just not feeling well or trying to care for a newborn. That sounds like absolute hell. So I need to just be content with the fact that these are the cards we were dealt and I made the best decisions I could. Clearly holding off on TTC till I was further along in school was the right decision and everything will work out. I don't know if I said this before in here, but my SIL posted a quote on her FB that said everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end. I really like that saying.
But yeah, I still can't help the age thing freaking me out a little. By the time I have a kid, we're looking at probably 36 or 37 for number two. I know I know, women are having babies much later now and medical advancements make it possible to have them later in life. But for me, I am not very comfortable with that. I don't want to be going on 50 when my kid turns 10. Plus despite medical advances, there are still some very real, scary risks associated with advanced maternal age. But lately I have become more and more accepting of the possibility of only having one child. I've always wanted two, my brother and I are very close and I can't imagine not having him around. But....it's not like being an only child is the worst thing in the world. My brother and I had some pretty horrific fights as kids, sibling rivalry can be very unpleasant. Plus I am rather anxious of the idea of coming home to two screaming kids, the house is a mess...basically utter chaos. My best friend just had her second and while I know she loves her boys more than anything, I can see the pure exhaustion and stress on her face. Trying to keep up with a toddler and take care of a new baby is really zapping her, and she has relatively easy kids...I can't imagine trying to do it with more, um, difficult children.
I guess the thing I am most scared of if we only have one child is them being lonely. No sibling for them to play with outside of friends, no one to have their back and understand them like no one else, and something I think of a lot since my mom died, someone to be there with you when your parents are gone. The idea of losing my dad someday before he turns 101 scares the hell out of me, but I cannot even imagine going through that without my brother. But then again, I am basing this all off of my own sibling relationship....my brother is an amazing brother, from the day I was born he has always been protective of me. Even when he is a pain in the ass, he's always had my back and I couldn't have asked for a better brother. He said when I was a baby, even though he was only 4 he would come into my room at night and stare at me and wouldn't leave until he saw that I was breathing :) But not everyone has this kind of relationship with their siblings.....many people co-exist with their siblings at best, but at worst they hate them. So yeah, I guess just having one kid isn't the end of the world....because right now I would give anything just to have one, and after that whatever will be will be.
Plus it's not like our kid would have no one. While most are quite a bit older, he/she will have 6 cousins that live pretty close by and I am still holding out hope that my brother will get married again and have kids that could be very close in age, since my brother and I are so close, its possible that our kids could be just as close as siblings. And of course I am hoping me and my best friend's kids will be friends. Ok, enough birthday blues talk, I actually had a great birthday so I don't want to bum myself out.
Something I have been so confused about lately is one of my good friends, or someone who used to be a good friend. She and I met at work, at the time I smoked so we would go out twice a day for a smoke break at work, and she and I became very close. She was there to listen to all my husband rants and she knew all about our struggles getting pregnant....she was even one of my bridesmaids. When I got pregnant in December, I was hesitant to tell her because it was so early and I was cramping so bad, but if the worst happaned I would of course tell her, so I decided to bask in my good news for the short time I had it. When I told her she immediately started crying and said "I'm going to be an auntie"? The next day I lost it so I texted her with the news because I couldn't bare to go back to work and see her all happy and have to tell her in person.
She seemed genuinely sorry for me when she replied to my text. The next day I kind of laid low at work, didn't really talk to people too much so when she didn't call to go out for a smoke (I had quit when we started TTC but still went out with her to chat) I didn't bother calling her either. I guess I was kind of in a blur because one day I realized hey, it's been like over a week since she called to go smoke. It wasn't really terribly unusual to not go out one day, but I don't think we had ever skipped two days or more of going on break together. The last couple times she and I had gone out for break before my miscarriage one of her friends/co-workers from her department came with us. I think she had quit but had recently started back up again. She's nice and all, but it was kind of awkward that I couldn't talk to my friend about stuff we would normally talk about with this other lady there. So here I am, emotions still raw from the miscarriage, my friend had not called to go on break nor had she called/text/facebooked to see how I was doing past that intital response to the bad news, and I knew she was now going out on break with this other lady. I guess all of that combined I felt replaced.
I felt like she wasn't being concerned about me and she just replaced me with her other friend. Yes I could have called her to go on break, but since she was the only smoker now we kind of went when she wanted to and I was feeling a little angry and hurt over her lack of compassion I guess. I didn't expect her to fall all over herself with pity for me....I acknowledge that what I went through was horrible and I was and still am very sad about it, but I also don't think what I went through was as bad as say, a third trimester lost or God forbid even later. So it's not like I think the entire world had to stop to pity me. BUT, after having a miscarriage I would have thought that a friend would check in at least once to see how I am doing, just to say hi, thinking of ya.....or just about anything in general. So when she didn't I was very hurt.
I let things go for about 6 weeks, then finally decided well, maybe she is struggling with what to say. I know sometimes when something bad happens people don't know what to say or they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all and bury their head in the sand. So I decided to swallow my hurt feelings and text her (ok so I never said I am good with confrontation) and asked her if everything is ok, that I haven't seen her in forever. I thought maybe that would get the ball rolling and we could be friends again....she texted back, said everything was great, just a little busy. We text back and forth a few times and then that was it....it didn't really change anything. I rarely see her at work unless we mean to since we work in different departments/different floors. So for the last 4 months we've had very little interaction....I emailed her when a mutual friend had her baby, she sent me a valentines ecard, she came down to our floor for a potluck and yelled and waved from across the room....stuff like that. So we've had friendly interactions, but compared to our relationship prior to six months ago, it's very weird. It's like we're both walking on egg shells, we're not fighting, we're friendly, but we're not friends like we were.
I'm kind of ashamed to say that the other day I saw her pull into the parking lot just ahead of me and in order to not run into her walking into the building, I hid out in my car until I saw her walk in. How sad is that? The very next day I noticed she was behind me for the second half of my drive to work. I was like shit, we're gonna get there at the exact same time again, what am I going to do, hide out in my car again, but thankfully she stopped at a gas station on the way. Tonight she "liked" a bunch of my graduation pics on facebook, congratulated me and wished me a happy birthday. So I mean, clearly she's not mad at me, we didn't get in a fight, things are just soooo awkward.
I've thought many times about just calling her up and say hey, wanna go out for a break? But I don't know what to do, I'm still a little hurt and angry, but I don't know if I have a right to be. I kind of feel like it was a case of mis-communication/mis-understanding on both of our parts, neither one of us is right or wrong but I don't know how to fix it. I mean, looking back I clearly could have called her back when this all first started. Maybe she thought she was giving me space when I didn't want space.
The thing that I hate the most about this is if she were a guy I'd march right up to her and say what the fuck is your problem, and we'd hash it out right then and there. I don't know how to communicate with other women...I've always been really shitty at confronting women. A guy? No problem, this would have been squashed a week into it, but with a woman friend I tip toe around and hide from her in my car. It's ridiculous. I miss her, I get sad when I look at wedding pictures because I am not sure if we'll ever have that relationship back again and when and if I get pregnant again I need her there. I guess I feel like I need either all or nothing....I need to either avoid the entire thing, or I need to spill everything and tell her how hurt I felt and I felt as though she kind of abandon me when I needed her. But both options frighten me because avoiding it all means I lose my friend, but confronting her and telling her how I feel means I have to make myself vulnerable by admitting how hurt I was and that feels very uncomfortable too.
Gah, I feel like I can't adequately express how I am feeling about this. I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that I am not ready to deal with it, and in time I will be. Hopefully that's sooner rather than later.
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