Ryan and I went on our first date night tonight post baby. It was fun, we dropped Emily off at his parents' house and we went to dinner at Applebee's and then we went to see the movie Neighbors. We wanted to see the Bear movie, but it was only at one theater and it was a bit of a drive. The movie was really funny, I'd recommend it.
We had a nice time, but I kinda felt weird without her, like the nagging feeling that you forgot something. During the movie whenever the music got really loud I kept thinking oh that's too loud for her...oh wait, she's not here. I was excited to see her when we went to pick her up. I missed my little pumpkin. My niece and nephew were there also spending the night, so Nana and Papa were busy babysitters. Emily was all snug in her pj's when we picked her up. A successful night. It brought back memories of being dropped off at my grandparents' house so my parents could go out.
When I bought my Petunia Picklebottom diaper bag, I rationalized why I needed it, and since I had coupons and giftcards and birthday money I rationalized the price, but it really bugged me that our other diaper bag would go to waste. I hate wasting things....Ryan wouldn't carry it since it will be very very rare that he goes anywhere with her without me, at least for the next year anyway.
But as I was making a mental note of everything I needed to make sure I left at my inlaws for her, I had a stroke of genius. The babysitter bag! I packed the necessities and now we can just take that along and leave it when she stays with someone. I'm so smart sometimes I can't stand it.
I went to Target today and made one of the best purchases ever. I have a double electric pump, but I'm extremely lazy with pumping, I hate it. The hands free bra is too tight to zip up so I have to zip it and put it on over my head like a sports bra, then I have to hook up the tubing and bottles, and if Emmy fusses at all while I'm pumping I just have to sit there and listen to her cry because I am all hooked up to the milking machine. It's gotten to the point where I only pump once a day, and my supply has dwindled from 5oz per day to 4 to 3.5 and sometimes only 2 oz. I dislike pumping just once so I couldn't force myself to pump any more frequent than that.
So I picked up a manual pump today. Oh my God I love it. Just twenty minutes at a time while I'm watching TV, I just sit and pump and if I need to stop for some reason I just stop and stick it in the fridge, nothing to unhook from. So I'm going to try to use it twice a day and then use my electric at night as usual once Emily goes down. Once I go back to work I can leave my electric at work and use that twice a day and then use the manual once a day. That should hopefully get my supply back up some.
I had bloodwork done the other day, and my diabetes is gone! My doctor was worried I was actually an overt diabetic since my insulin dosage was so high during pregnancy, but I passed my two hour glucola test with flying colors. I was pretty sure it would be ok since when I actually remember to test my bloodsugar my numbers have been great. But, I still want to lose weight and get healthier. I lost 32 pounds in the first two weeks after Emily was born, but now I've gained ten of them back.
I don't want to lose this head start, so I've got to get back on track. I did great today....I had my usual GD breakfast, a morning snack, a healthy salad for lunch and an afternoon snack. Ryan and I also switched to diet pepsi....but then we went out tonight and it all went downhill. But, tomorrow is a new day right? I hope to get on my bike tomorrow, I miss it so much. A couple summers ago I was biking 10-20 miles a day a few days a week, and smaller 5-10 mile rides another few days a week. I know I won't be able to do that much now with Emily here, but I'd like to get back into shorter rides here and there.
I only went a few times last year between the weather getting nicer and getting pregnant again, and once pregnant I was way too exhausted to continue biking. She won't be able to use it till next summer, but I bought a bike trailer from a garage sale down the street. It turns out the couple that lives there is expecting a baby girl in August. I'd like to get to know them, it would be nice to have more couple friends, and it would be great for Emily to have a friend just two doors down that's only 5 months younger. Fast forward five years, if this kid goes to public school they'd even be in the same grade.
The couple next door has four kids....their youngest boy is 15 months so they're fairly close in age too, and they have a 5 year old daughter, a 7 or 8ish year old daughter and a 10 ish year old son. They could all be friends too, and like our neighbor pointed out, their oldest girl could even babysit Em in 5 years or so. We get along really good with them, we smile and wave and we've chatted a few times, but it would be nice to get to know them better too. Maybe we'll host a BBQ and invite the neighbors. It sounds nice to have friends in your neighborhood and everyone watches out for everyone else's kids. Actually those neighbors brought us a gift yesterday, a package of diapers, three packs of wipes, a potted flower, a frozen lasagna, and a box of cookies. So nice!
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
2 month vaccinations
Emily had her 2 month check up today. She's doing great, her doctor said everything looks good and she noted how alert and active she is already. She loves to look around....I think that is why she is so good in public, there are lots of new things to look around at. I'm going to call it now, I think she is going to be somewhat shy and introverted like me. She just already strikes me as someone who will do a lot of observing and be introspective.
She is now 12 lbs 5.4 ounces and is 23.25 inches long. She got her vaccinations today. My poor baby, she screamed and cried for 10 minutes or so. I hate to see her in pain, it really breaks my heart. But she was calmed down by the time we left the office and she slept while I did some shopping. That was nice of her. I stopped at Target on my way home to get her some Tylenol when she decided she had been out long enough and was irritable from the shots. It was pretty funny because we were in line and she was screaming and I was buying baby Tylenol and Excedrin Migraine. The cashier was like ah one for baby and one for mama.
Once she got the Tylenol she seemed a lot better. She hasn't had a fever yet so that's good, and later when we went out to dinner with my brother she slept very well. She's sleeping right now and snoring just a little bit, it's so cute.
I go back to work two weeks from tomorrow. I cannot believe how fast this time went. I'm very sad about it, I don't want to go back and leave her. I never wanted to work full time once we had kids, but I didn't think I would want to stay home either. I thought maybe part time would be great....I could still have time with her, but still get out in the world with adults. But I am really liking being home. Some days we go back to bed for a little bit or have a lazy day at home, other days we get up early and we go out and run errands, meet people for lunch, or go for walks. I've had time to keep the house clean and cook real dinners. I love being able to make appointments for any day at any time and not have to try to schedule it around work.
So we've decided that at some point, I'm going to quit my job and take a year off. During that year I will pursue online teaching. Not only would that job be great because I could work at home and be home with Emily, but I think I would really enjoy it. I loved being in school, just didn't always love the stress of it so I think teaching would really appeal to me. I can't start looking for teaching jobs now though because I will likely need to be hired by several colleges to get enough classes and make enough money, and with taking care of Emily, working 40 hours and everything else I have to do in a day, there would be no time to also do online teaching. So I'll give myself the year to make that work...if by the end of the year I have enough classes and I'm making enough money then I'll just continue doing that. But if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, then I'll have to look for a new job.
We haven't decided yet when I will do this....it might be a month after I return, or it could be 6 months to a year from now. I've worked since I was 16 years old, sometimes two jobs along with school and internships. So it will be very weird and a little scary to leave my job of 9 years for a job that may not work out, and one I cannot even apply for until I quit. But I think the payoff if it works out is totally worth it. Even if it doesn't work out, it will have been worth it to be home with Emily for an entire year, and I am fairly confident I'll be able to find a new job that I like. But it definitely makes returning to work in two weeks a little less dreadful knowing it may not be forever.
She is now 12 lbs 5.4 ounces and is 23.25 inches long. She got her vaccinations today. My poor baby, she screamed and cried for 10 minutes or so. I hate to see her in pain, it really breaks my heart. But she was calmed down by the time we left the office and she slept while I did some shopping. That was nice of her. I stopped at Target on my way home to get her some Tylenol when she decided she had been out long enough and was irritable from the shots. It was pretty funny because we were in line and she was screaming and I was buying baby Tylenol and Excedrin Migraine. The cashier was like ah one for baby and one for mama.
Once she got the Tylenol she seemed a lot better. She hasn't had a fever yet so that's good, and later when we went out to dinner with my brother she slept very well. She's sleeping right now and snoring just a little bit, it's so cute.
I go back to work two weeks from tomorrow. I cannot believe how fast this time went. I'm very sad about it, I don't want to go back and leave her. I never wanted to work full time once we had kids, but I didn't think I would want to stay home either. I thought maybe part time would be great....I could still have time with her, but still get out in the world with adults. But I am really liking being home. Some days we go back to bed for a little bit or have a lazy day at home, other days we get up early and we go out and run errands, meet people for lunch, or go for walks. I've had time to keep the house clean and cook real dinners. I love being able to make appointments for any day at any time and not have to try to schedule it around work.
So we've decided that at some point, I'm going to quit my job and take a year off. During that year I will pursue online teaching. Not only would that job be great because I could work at home and be home with Emily, but I think I would really enjoy it. I loved being in school, just didn't always love the stress of it so I think teaching would really appeal to me. I can't start looking for teaching jobs now though because I will likely need to be hired by several colleges to get enough classes and make enough money, and with taking care of Emily, working 40 hours and everything else I have to do in a day, there would be no time to also do online teaching. So I'll give myself the year to make that work...if by the end of the year I have enough classes and I'm making enough money then I'll just continue doing that. But if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, then I'll have to look for a new job.
We haven't decided yet when I will do this....it might be a month after I return, or it could be 6 months to a year from now. I've worked since I was 16 years old, sometimes two jobs along with school and internships. So it will be very weird and a little scary to leave my job of 9 years for a job that may not work out, and one I cannot even apply for until I quit. But I think the payoff if it works out is totally worth it. Even if it doesn't work out, it will have been worth it to be home with Emily for an entire year, and I am fairly confident I'll be able to find a new job that I like. But it definitely makes returning to work in two weeks a little less dreadful knowing it may not be forever.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Return to Zero
Return to Zero premiered last night on Lifetime. I liked it, I thought it was very good and portrayed the nightmare well that loss parents go through. It made me very sad for the couples, like the director and his wife, who faced marital problems in addition to losing their baby. Ryan and I were very fortunate that we didn't face this, and our loss actually brought us closer and we got through it together.
There were several scenes that hit home with me. One of them being the birth of their angel son. At first they skipped over that part, but showed it later in the movie as a flashback. I was so glad they did, as the emotions and pain of holding their lost baby is one of the most powerful of the entire experience. Now I've never experienced a natural birth in a happy setting, but I would imagine there are a lot more doctors and nurses as they all have a job during delivery and once the baby arrives. But in the movie and for Kayla's birth, it was very quiet, and somber. It was just MH and and me, my doctor, the resident and a nurse. There was no noise except the doctor telling me I was doing great, and the doctors quietly communicating with each other. During this scene in the movie I had to get a sleeping Emily out of her swing and hold and hug her while I cried; I'm so so lucky to have her.
At one point in the film Minnie Driver's character said how she likes the pain of missing her son because it feels like she has a part of him. She fears the pain going away because then she'll be losing the last small part she has. I can easily identify with this....the pain was the worst and the best thing. I don't know how to describe it other than how she did. My heart will always hurt but not like it did when it first happened, and that makes me sad because I feel like she's slipping away from me.
In a very moving scene, Minnie was talking to her mother, and her mom revealed for the first time that she too had lost a baby. She didn't say how far along, but she said miscarriage so I am assuming it was in the first trimester. Minnie argued that a miscarriage isn't the same as a stillbirth and her mom said no, but they both take away the possibility of what could have been and that hurts exactly the same. I totally see both of their points. Whether early or late, it's still your child and it still hurts. A lot of people that haven't been through it don't understand why it is so upsetting. They think that if you cannot see, hear or hold the child, how can you be that upset over their loss? Like losing something you never had.
But the love for your child begins long before you give birth to them. But the loss of what will never be is the gut wrenching part. I wasn't supposed to not be pregnant anymore at 22 weeks. I was supposed to carry her for 9 months, I was supposed to give birth to her and take her home. I never got to do that. Despite getting to hold her and see her, it was nothing like had she been born alive and well.
Her skin was still pretty translucent and you could see the blood beneath the skin's surface. She was cold, and clammy, her eyes were closed and her head and face were bruised and purple all around her eyes and forehead. Her hands were no bigger than my thumbnail and her tiny body was hardly any weight at all. She was beautiful, and Emily has the same nose and mouth, but I will always wonder what Kayla would have looked like had she lived to full term. Emily will be 2 months tomorrow, how similar would Kayla have looked at that age? I drive by the elementary school often that Kayla would have gone too, and it kills me that there will never be a Kayla B. enrolled in Kindergarten there.....I'll never see her blow out candles on her cake, I'll never hear about her first crush and see her go on her first date. I'll never see her graduate from high school, or get married and have babies of her own. We didn't just lose a baby at 22 weeks gestation, we lost her entire future, and our future with her.
But I totally got Minnie's point as well; a miscarriage is not the same as a stillbirth. It's not a competition, of whose loss is worse than someone else's, but they are two very different things. Forgive the crude comparison, but a miscarriage is like breaking a bone, and a stillbirth is like cancer. They both hurt and are scary, they'll both affect your life for a long long time, but I think everyone could agree that being diagnosed with cancer is a completely different, life altering thing compared to a broken bone.
When the movie ended, there were hundreds of baby angels' names in the credits. I didn't think I had submitted it, but I paused it every few seconds to search the names for Kayla's. I was pretty sure I would remember submitting it, but I know I did sign a few petitions to get it made so there was a chance one of those included entering your child's name, but she wasn't on there. I googled it and found that you needed to submit it by April 1st with a donation of $250 which went to the upgrade of the quality of the movie and soundtrack. While that would have been so awesome to see Kayla's name, I'm not sure we would have done it had we known. That money isn't exactly pocket change for us, but had it been going toward stillbirth research, or maybe to help bereaved families pay for funerals we would have gladly paid it. And don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that this movie was made with very little funding...and if I am not mistaken, the actors worked for very little to make this movie happen. But for me personally, I would rather my money go toward people in need, rather than the movie. I'm so happy it was made and it's a very important thing to show. The silence needs to be broken around this topic and people need to see how painful it is to go through this, I just think there are people who can better afford to put that much money toward a project like that.
There were several scenes that hit home with me. One of them being the birth of their angel son. At first they skipped over that part, but showed it later in the movie as a flashback. I was so glad they did, as the emotions and pain of holding their lost baby is one of the most powerful of the entire experience. Now I've never experienced a natural birth in a happy setting, but I would imagine there are a lot more doctors and nurses as they all have a job during delivery and once the baby arrives. But in the movie and for Kayla's birth, it was very quiet, and somber. It was just MH and and me, my doctor, the resident and a nurse. There was no noise except the doctor telling me I was doing great, and the doctors quietly communicating with each other. During this scene in the movie I had to get a sleeping Emily out of her swing and hold and hug her while I cried; I'm so so lucky to have her.
At one point in the film Minnie Driver's character said how she likes the pain of missing her son because it feels like she has a part of him. She fears the pain going away because then she'll be losing the last small part she has. I can easily identify with this....the pain was the worst and the best thing. I don't know how to describe it other than how she did. My heart will always hurt but not like it did when it first happened, and that makes me sad because I feel like she's slipping away from me.
In a very moving scene, Minnie was talking to her mother, and her mom revealed for the first time that she too had lost a baby. She didn't say how far along, but she said miscarriage so I am assuming it was in the first trimester. Minnie argued that a miscarriage isn't the same as a stillbirth and her mom said no, but they both take away the possibility of what could have been and that hurts exactly the same. I totally see both of their points. Whether early or late, it's still your child and it still hurts. A lot of people that haven't been through it don't understand why it is so upsetting. They think that if you cannot see, hear or hold the child, how can you be that upset over their loss? Like losing something you never had.
But the love for your child begins long before you give birth to them. But the loss of what will never be is the gut wrenching part. I wasn't supposed to not be pregnant anymore at 22 weeks. I was supposed to carry her for 9 months, I was supposed to give birth to her and take her home. I never got to do that. Despite getting to hold her and see her, it was nothing like had she been born alive and well.
Her skin was still pretty translucent and you could see the blood beneath the skin's surface. She was cold, and clammy, her eyes were closed and her head and face were bruised and purple all around her eyes and forehead. Her hands were no bigger than my thumbnail and her tiny body was hardly any weight at all. She was beautiful, and Emily has the same nose and mouth, but I will always wonder what Kayla would have looked like had she lived to full term. Emily will be 2 months tomorrow, how similar would Kayla have looked at that age? I drive by the elementary school often that Kayla would have gone too, and it kills me that there will never be a Kayla B. enrolled in Kindergarten there.....I'll never see her blow out candles on her cake, I'll never hear about her first crush and see her go on her first date. I'll never see her graduate from high school, or get married and have babies of her own. We didn't just lose a baby at 22 weeks gestation, we lost her entire future, and our future with her.
But I totally got Minnie's point as well; a miscarriage is not the same as a stillbirth. It's not a competition, of whose loss is worse than someone else's, but they are two very different things. Forgive the crude comparison, but a miscarriage is like breaking a bone, and a stillbirth is like cancer. They both hurt and are scary, they'll both affect your life for a long long time, but I think everyone could agree that being diagnosed with cancer is a completely different, life altering thing compared to a broken bone.
When the movie ended, there were hundreds of baby angels' names in the credits. I didn't think I had submitted it, but I paused it every few seconds to search the names for Kayla's. I was pretty sure I would remember submitting it, but I know I did sign a few petitions to get it made so there was a chance one of those included entering your child's name, but she wasn't on there. I googled it and found that you needed to submit it by April 1st with a donation of $250 which went to the upgrade of the quality of the movie and soundtrack. While that would have been so awesome to see Kayla's name, I'm not sure we would have done it had we known. That money isn't exactly pocket change for us, but had it been going toward stillbirth research, or maybe to help bereaved families pay for funerals we would have gladly paid it. And don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that this movie was made with very little funding...and if I am not mistaken, the actors worked for very little to make this movie happen. But for me personally, I would rather my money go toward people in need, rather than the movie. I'm so happy it was made and it's a very important thing to show. The silence needs to be broken around this topic and people need to see how painful it is to go through this, I just think there are people who can better afford to put that much money toward a project like that.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Mom fail
I made my first major blunder. No I didn't drop her nor did she roll off from an unsafe surface. Actually had the worst happened, my mistake was way worse, but I guess we learn from it and move on. I had lunch and shopped today with my MIL. We had lunch and I fed her and changed her at at the restaurant and then we walked around town for a couple hours and shopped. She started getting fussy, I knew she was hungry and I was out of bottles so it was time to go home. She had a blanket on because it was chilly and rainy today.
So I get home and I go to change her....whoops, she wasn't strapped in to her carseat! Holy crap! I didn't strap her in when I put her back in after her diaper change since I knew we weren't getting in the car anytime soon, and then with the blanket covering her and wanting to get home to feed her, it totally slipped my mind.
Thankfully nothing happened, and my new rule is she gets strapped in no matter what, even if she doesn't go in the car anytime soon (but I do always strap her in for walks, go me). But still I feel bad. I don't even want to imagine had we gotten into an accident. However I also feel bad because pre-baby, I would have judged a parent that didn't strap their kid in. Oh how I am eating my words of everything I said I would never do, or judged others for. Motherhood is very humbling.
My big one was babies at nicer restaurants (and by nicer I mean you have a waitress). But now we go out all the time, and if she cries oh well, people can deal with it. However I did luck out and get an awesome public baby. At home not so much (just kidding, she's still awesome, but she cries while being awesome) but out in public she either sleeps or she just looks around all doe eyed and sweet looking. People just eat it up. Yeah, she totally knows what she's doing. Now when she is a little older and is more capable of misbehaving, we'll likely not go out as much, or she'll learn to behave.....or I'll eat my words again and we'll say screw it and she'll be running all over the Olive Garden like an escaped monkey!
So enough about my downfalls, let's talk about Em's accomplishments. It makes me sad that she isn't a tiny newborn anymore, but it's so fun watching her develop new things. She no longer screams bloody murder (or any kind of murder) during baths, and unless she's really hungry she's quiet during car rides too. We haven't been on many walks recently, but I'm betting she's better with those too. She's grabbing stuff now; burp cloths, my finger when I feed her, the drawstrings on my shirt....and last night she rubbed her eyes when she was getting sleepy. So cute!
She's smiling a lot more now too. I'm pretty convinced that they are real smiles, but so far I can't find the magic thing that makes her smile everytime. Rubbing her cheek sometimes does it, giving her a big goofy smile works, but the same thing never works twice in a row. But man, when she does smile or better yet, laugh, my heart soars. I could never be in a bad mood after that.
So the movie Return to Zero airs this Saturday on Lifetime. I'm excited, yet nervous to see it. I know I will cry. For those that don't know, it's about a couple that is expecting, only to discover the baby died in late 3rd tri and they deliver him stillborn. Petitions were going around about a year ago to get this movie made, so I am glad to see it was. I thought it would be at the theater, but at least it will be on period. People need to be able to see the impact that a stillborn has on your life. I mean, before it happened to me I was so ignorant. I actually, clearly remember the day I was out with my husband in his snowplow truck and we were plowing out this lot, and somehow got talking about a woman he heard of that lost their baby, and how some places give them dolls to take home, because coming home from the hospital with empty arms is just so horrifying.
He also said sometimes they bathe them and rock them in the rocking chair...the babies that is, not the dolls. Not being judgmental, but I was saying how I just couldn't imagine wanting to do that. But in the moments before Kayla was born, I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to hold her and take pictures. She was my baby. But as we were having that discussion, my heart hurt and I just couldn't imagine what that would be like to go through, to go through labor and childbirth, knowing you don't get your baby at the end of it. I never in a million years dreamed it was something that would happen to me in a few years. I knew stillbirths happened, but I had no idea how frequent they still are. I thought they were something that happened 60 years ago, not in 2013 with all of the medical advances they have now.
So I'm very glad this movie will be on, and I hope it can educate some people. Emily gets a lot of attention when we go out (haha, except at the vet, they don't care about the hairless human babies) so I've been asked "Is she your first" many times in the last two months. So far I've only had the strength once to say no, we lost our daughter last year. Though I found it really interesting that the one person I did tell, which was a new nail lady doing my pedicure, was someone who understood. Her best friend had lost her baby, actually in the same way I did, and she herself was on bed rest since 18 weeks with her last baby due to threatened pre-term labor. It's like in my heart, I knew I could answer truthfully and she would understand.
I know I have to answer in a way that makes me feel comfortable, but still I feel that pang of guilt when I say yes, she's my first. It literally hurts to say that...but sometimes, most of the time I just cannot tell them. Especially a man, I don't think I could take the awkward, uncomfortable look they would likely give me. Maybe as Em gets older I can grow the courage to tell the truth more. I'll have to, we want her to know about her sister, so we cannot lie about it in front of her. But on top of the guilt I feel, I have this sense of responsibility for others like me. Nobody talks about stillbirth, it's not a pretty topic and people want to forget that we live in a world where babies die. We are often treated poorly because it makes people uncomfortable, and we want to break that silence, so I feel guilty for that too, for lying to not make the other person uncomfortable, and in turn myself uncomfortable.
So I get home and I go to change her....whoops, she wasn't strapped in to her carseat! Holy crap! I didn't strap her in when I put her back in after her diaper change since I knew we weren't getting in the car anytime soon, and then with the blanket covering her and wanting to get home to feed her, it totally slipped my mind.
Thankfully nothing happened, and my new rule is she gets strapped in no matter what, even if she doesn't go in the car anytime soon (but I do always strap her in for walks, go me). But still I feel bad. I don't even want to imagine had we gotten into an accident. However I also feel bad because pre-baby, I would have judged a parent that didn't strap their kid in. Oh how I am eating my words of everything I said I would never do, or judged others for. Motherhood is very humbling.
My big one was babies at nicer restaurants (and by nicer I mean you have a waitress). But now we go out all the time, and if she cries oh well, people can deal with it. However I did luck out and get an awesome public baby. At home not so much (just kidding, she's still awesome, but she cries while being awesome) but out in public she either sleeps or she just looks around all doe eyed and sweet looking. People just eat it up. Yeah, she totally knows what she's doing. Now when she is a little older and is more capable of misbehaving, we'll likely not go out as much, or she'll learn to behave.....or I'll eat my words again and we'll say screw it and she'll be running all over the Olive Garden like an escaped monkey!
So enough about my downfalls, let's talk about Em's accomplishments. It makes me sad that she isn't a tiny newborn anymore, but it's so fun watching her develop new things. She no longer screams bloody murder (or any kind of murder) during baths, and unless she's really hungry she's quiet during car rides too. We haven't been on many walks recently, but I'm betting she's better with those too. She's grabbing stuff now; burp cloths, my finger when I feed her, the drawstrings on my shirt....and last night she rubbed her eyes when she was getting sleepy. So cute!
She's smiling a lot more now too. I'm pretty convinced that they are real smiles, but so far I can't find the magic thing that makes her smile everytime. Rubbing her cheek sometimes does it, giving her a big goofy smile works, but the same thing never works twice in a row. But man, when she does smile or better yet, laugh, my heart soars. I could never be in a bad mood after that.
So the movie Return to Zero airs this Saturday on Lifetime. I'm excited, yet nervous to see it. I know I will cry. For those that don't know, it's about a couple that is expecting, only to discover the baby died in late 3rd tri and they deliver him stillborn. Petitions were going around about a year ago to get this movie made, so I am glad to see it was. I thought it would be at the theater, but at least it will be on period. People need to be able to see the impact that a stillborn has on your life. I mean, before it happened to me I was so ignorant. I actually, clearly remember the day I was out with my husband in his snowplow truck and we were plowing out this lot, and somehow got talking about a woman he heard of that lost their baby, and how some places give them dolls to take home, because coming home from the hospital with empty arms is just so horrifying.
He also said sometimes they bathe them and rock them in the rocking chair...the babies that is, not the dolls. Not being judgmental, but I was saying how I just couldn't imagine wanting to do that. But in the moments before Kayla was born, I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to hold her and take pictures. She was my baby. But as we were having that discussion, my heart hurt and I just couldn't imagine what that would be like to go through, to go through labor and childbirth, knowing you don't get your baby at the end of it. I never in a million years dreamed it was something that would happen to me in a few years. I knew stillbirths happened, but I had no idea how frequent they still are. I thought they were something that happened 60 years ago, not in 2013 with all of the medical advances they have now.
So I'm very glad this movie will be on, and I hope it can educate some people. Emily gets a lot of attention when we go out (haha, except at the vet, they don't care about the hairless human babies) so I've been asked "Is she your first" many times in the last two months. So far I've only had the strength once to say no, we lost our daughter last year. Though I found it really interesting that the one person I did tell, which was a new nail lady doing my pedicure, was someone who understood. Her best friend had lost her baby, actually in the same way I did, and she herself was on bed rest since 18 weeks with her last baby due to threatened pre-term labor. It's like in my heart, I knew I could answer truthfully and she would understand.
I know I have to answer in a way that makes me feel comfortable, but still I feel that pang of guilt when I say yes, she's my first. It literally hurts to say that...but sometimes, most of the time I just cannot tell them. Especially a man, I don't think I could take the awkward, uncomfortable look they would likely give me. Maybe as Em gets older I can grow the courage to tell the truth more. I'll have to, we want her to know about her sister, so we cannot lie about it in front of her. But on top of the guilt I feel, I have this sense of responsibility for others like me. Nobody talks about stillbirth, it's not a pretty topic and people want to forget that we live in a world where babies die. We are often treated poorly because it makes people uncomfortable, and we want to break that silence, so I feel guilty for that too, for lying to not make the other person uncomfortable, and in turn myself uncomfortable.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
A Mother's Day Tribute
Mother's Day has always been a hard day for me for a while now, and it's only gotten harder over the years. But I wanted to take a moment a say a few things about the women in my life that I was so blessed to have, even if for a short while.
My mom. You always took such great care of me. You played with me, comforted me when I had a nightmare, read books and sang songs, baked with me, dried my tears and made me smile. We had some years where we fought like hell cats, but it only made me appreciate the years when we came back together and were not only mother and daughter, but friends. I was number one in your eyes, every accomplishment was huge to you and I always looked beautiful. You made a big deal out of everything no matter how small. I can't believe you've been gone for almost ten years. It seems like just yesterday and there hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you. I was an adult when you left us, but still so much a child who needed her mommy....and I still do. I only hope you are watching over me every day, and proud of the woman I have become. I love you so much mom!
My grandma. You were not only a second mother to me, you were my best friend. I loved to snuggle with you as a child, talk to you on the phone for hours and demanded to see you at least once a week, and none of that changed as I became an adult. If I had good news to share I called you; if I had a rough day, I called you. You were always a warm loving voice who always picked me up and gave me encouragement. You remembered my friends' names, even if you never met them. You knew what was hot in hollywood and all the latest gossip. Even though I am sure you didn't always agree with me, you always had my back and were on my side. Seeing your name on my caller ID always made me smile and I have so many happy memories with you. You've been gone almost two years now and I miss you so much. I was heartbroken the day we lost you but I was so lucky to have a grandma as wonderful as you.
My mother-in-law. Everyone knows MILs are notorious for being controlling, toe-stepping, jealous women who think no one is good enough for their baby boy. But when it comes to MILs I feel like I won the lottery. It's like God gave me an amazing MIL because my own mom left this world too soon. She is compassionate, funny, caring, and one of the strongest women I know. I can go to her for advice about her son and not offend her or have her get upset. She and I often talk on the phone, go shopping together or just text back and forth. I was so blessed to marry the love of my life, and marry into such a wonderful family as well.
My stepmom. She'll likely never really be my stepmom because they're probably both too set in their ways to ever marry, but in my heart she is. I had a really hard time with it when she came into the family. She felt like a replacement for my mom and while it was nice to see my dad happy, it was sad to see him doing things with her that he used to do with my mom. But over the years I've accepted it, and I've seen what a great addition she has become to our family and how good she and my dad are. It cannot be easy to be with a widower....he and my mom are not separated because they stopped loving each other, but by death. So it must be tough to have to compete against the woman he loved for 30 some years, the mother of his children. But she's always been so gracious, never once stepping on toes or trying to force a relationship between her and me. I've never felt like she was trying to take my mom's place. She's also a very strong woman, she's faced more struggles in her life than any one person should have to, but she seems to have come out smiling. They may not be blood, but she loves my daughters as if they were her own, and I love her for that.
Kayla, my first born. From the moment I found out you were on your way, I couldn't supress my grin. I was so excited for your arrival, and couldn't wait to be a mom. From feeling your kicks to seeing you sucking your thumb on the ultrasound, I was one proud momma. My world fell apart when we were told you would be born at 22 weeks and that you would not survive. A piece of my heart died with you that day and it will never fully heal. I held you in my arms for hours, and you were so perfect. I'll never hear you cry, and I've bought you a gravestone and decorations for your grave instead of toys and books and clothes, but I'll never ever regret it. I'd do it all over again just to hold you once more. I know you watch down over all of us, and I'll see you again one day. I love you Kayla.
Emily, my baby. You lit up our lives when everything around us was dark. You gave us hope, and you made us smile again. The day you were born was the happiest day of my life, and I cannot wait to watch you grow up. You're so beautiful, you look like your big sister, and like me. I love to watch you sleep, and snuggle you in my arms. I'll miss the baby days, but I look forward to getting to know your personality as you learn and grow. You're my beautiful miracle baby, a bright shining rainbow after a thunderous storm. I love you Emily.
****
I had a very nice mother's day. I slept in a little (as much as Emily would let me) and got up while Ryan ran to the store to join the other frantic men buying last minute mother's day items. He got me a card and wrote messages from Kayla, Emily and himself and he got me my favorite truffles. I also got a bench swing for the yard. I am so excited, I love them and have always wanted one, so soon Em and I can go relax outside and swing and people watch.
Then we got ready and went to my inlaws for dinner. As usual it was amazing with steak, baked potato, ceasar salad and rolls. We had a nice afternoon, just sitting around and talking with my family and everyone cooing over Emily. We made it through another family dinner of Emily laying peacefully in her pack n' play while we ate. I think my SIL is keeping count :)
My mom. You always took such great care of me. You played with me, comforted me when I had a nightmare, read books and sang songs, baked with me, dried my tears and made me smile. We had some years where we fought like hell cats, but it only made me appreciate the years when we came back together and were not only mother and daughter, but friends. I was number one in your eyes, every accomplishment was huge to you and I always looked beautiful. You made a big deal out of everything no matter how small. I can't believe you've been gone for almost ten years. It seems like just yesterday and there hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you. I was an adult when you left us, but still so much a child who needed her mommy....and I still do. I only hope you are watching over me every day, and proud of the woman I have become. I love you so much mom!
My grandma. You were not only a second mother to me, you were my best friend. I loved to snuggle with you as a child, talk to you on the phone for hours and demanded to see you at least once a week, and none of that changed as I became an adult. If I had good news to share I called you; if I had a rough day, I called you. You were always a warm loving voice who always picked me up and gave me encouragement. You remembered my friends' names, even if you never met them. You knew what was hot in hollywood and all the latest gossip. Even though I am sure you didn't always agree with me, you always had my back and were on my side. Seeing your name on my caller ID always made me smile and I have so many happy memories with you. You've been gone almost two years now and I miss you so much. I was heartbroken the day we lost you but I was so lucky to have a grandma as wonderful as you.
My mother-in-law. Everyone knows MILs are notorious for being controlling, toe-stepping, jealous women who think no one is good enough for their baby boy. But when it comes to MILs I feel like I won the lottery. It's like God gave me an amazing MIL because my own mom left this world too soon. She is compassionate, funny, caring, and one of the strongest women I know. I can go to her for advice about her son and not offend her or have her get upset. She and I often talk on the phone, go shopping together or just text back and forth. I was so blessed to marry the love of my life, and marry into such a wonderful family as well.
My stepmom. She'll likely never really be my stepmom because they're probably both too set in their ways to ever marry, but in my heart she is. I had a really hard time with it when she came into the family. She felt like a replacement for my mom and while it was nice to see my dad happy, it was sad to see him doing things with her that he used to do with my mom. But over the years I've accepted it, and I've seen what a great addition she has become to our family and how good she and my dad are. It cannot be easy to be with a widower....he and my mom are not separated because they stopped loving each other, but by death. So it must be tough to have to compete against the woman he loved for 30 some years, the mother of his children. But she's always been so gracious, never once stepping on toes or trying to force a relationship between her and me. I've never felt like she was trying to take my mom's place. She's also a very strong woman, she's faced more struggles in her life than any one person should have to, but she seems to have come out smiling. They may not be blood, but she loves my daughters as if they were her own, and I love her for that.
Kayla, my first born. From the moment I found out you were on your way, I couldn't supress my grin. I was so excited for your arrival, and couldn't wait to be a mom. From feeling your kicks to seeing you sucking your thumb on the ultrasound, I was one proud momma. My world fell apart when we were told you would be born at 22 weeks and that you would not survive. A piece of my heart died with you that day and it will never fully heal. I held you in my arms for hours, and you were so perfect. I'll never hear you cry, and I've bought you a gravestone and decorations for your grave instead of toys and books and clothes, but I'll never ever regret it. I'd do it all over again just to hold you once more. I know you watch down over all of us, and I'll see you again one day. I love you Kayla.
Emily, my baby. You lit up our lives when everything around us was dark. You gave us hope, and you made us smile again. The day you were born was the happiest day of my life, and I cannot wait to watch you grow up. You're so beautiful, you look like your big sister, and like me. I love to watch you sleep, and snuggle you in my arms. I'll miss the baby days, but I look forward to getting to know your personality as you learn and grow. You're my beautiful miracle baby, a bright shining rainbow after a thunderous storm. I love you Emily.
****
I had a very nice mother's day. I slept in a little (as much as Emily would let me) and got up while Ryan ran to the store to join the other frantic men buying last minute mother's day items. He got me a card and wrote messages from Kayla, Emily and himself and he got me my favorite truffles. I also got a bench swing for the yard. I am so excited, I love them and have always wanted one, so soon Em and I can go relax outside and swing and people watch.
Then we got ready and went to my inlaws for dinner. As usual it was amazing with steak, baked potato, ceasar salad and rolls. We had a nice afternoon, just sitting around and talking with my family and everyone cooing over Emily. We made it through another family dinner of Emily laying peacefully in her pack n' play while we ate. I think my SIL is keeping count :)
Friday, May 9, 2014
Happy.....first Mother's Day?
I knew it would happen. I took Emily into my office yesterday to visit. I said I wasn't going to but I decided to get over it. I'm still bitter about them not throwing me a shower...or a birthday now that I think about it. I told my boss I would be coming in this week and he emailed me back to wish me a happy birthday. I better get a cake and a present when I get back since I've contributed to everyone else's birthdays over the year. Ugh, why do I always get this red headed step child treatment?
So anyway, two of the women excitedly wished me a happy first Mother's Day. Sigh. I get it, if it's never happened to you, maybe you just don't get it, but what do they think makes a mother? You don't get mother status until you change X amount of diapers? Until you've been spit up on so many times? No, being a mother is measured by loving your child. I gave birth to Kayla, I held her in my arms and I loved her till the moon and back and I will always love her. She's my daughter and I am her mother and this is my second Mother's Day.
Honestly I don't know when you could yourself as a mother. When the second line forms on the pee stick? When you see them on the ultrasound? Feel the first kick? Or not until you meet them and give birth? I don't know the answer to that because at least early on I think it depends on the individual person. For me personally, I did not consider myself a mother after my first miscarriage. I was devastated over the loss of what was to come, but I did not feel like a mother yet then. I still think about that baby, and wonder what he would have become, but it's not the same as Kayla or Emily.
But I can't see how anyone can deny me mother status after losing Kayla just because she is not physically here with us. Afterall, my mother is gone, she doesn't parent me anymore but she is and will always be my mother. I know that most of my co-workers likely don't know the details, that I gave birth and all that. Unless they stop and think about it, they may think of it as an early miscarriage, where the baby just "went away". Or maybe they think I just bled a lot. But for the women that have children, and one of them that said this has two, how can they not think back to when they were about 22 weeks pregnant? They knew we had known the sex for a month, they knew we had a name picked out, I was showing....how can they not think back to their pregnancy at that stage and imagine how devastated they would have been to have lost the baby?
I've never experienced the loss of a living child, but I've always known it must be absolutely mind numbingly painful, and now that Emily is here my heart hurts at just the IDEA of something happening to her. So I just don't understand why people cannot understand how painful losing a baby is, even if you've never experienced it yourself. I knew it would happen from distant people who just don't get it, but I was very shocked by today's mail. I got a mother's day card from my brother and SIL, how nice....until I read the inside. Happy FIRST mother's day. Ugh.
They were there, they held Kayla, they cried....how can they, of all people think it's my first mother's day. Why do our babies have to physically be here for us to be recognized as mothers?. I mean, I get it....I love Kayla with all my heart, but I didn't understand how much you could love another being until Emily was born. She is my life, my heart...but Kayla would have been too had she lived. I will always love Kayla and for the rest of my life I will mourn her death. I will always wonder what she would have become, every year on March 24th I will have a heavy heart and relive that day, every milestone we happily celebrate with Emily I will be sad that we didn't get to do it with Kayla. I would go through all of the physical and emotional pain all over again just to hold her for a few more minutes. I would give anything to have been able to protect my baby and bring her into this world. How is that not being a mother?
So anyway, two of the women excitedly wished me a happy first Mother's Day. Sigh. I get it, if it's never happened to you, maybe you just don't get it, but what do they think makes a mother? You don't get mother status until you change X amount of diapers? Until you've been spit up on so many times? No, being a mother is measured by loving your child. I gave birth to Kayla, I held her in my arms and I loved her till the moon and back and I will always love her. She's my daughter and I am her mother and this is my second Mother's Day.
Honestly I don't know when you could yourself as a mother. When the second line forms on the pee stick? When you see them on the ultrasound? Feel the first kick? Or not until you meet them and give birth? I don't know the answer to that because at least early on I think it depends on the individual person. For me personally, I did not consider myself a mother after my first miscarriage. I was devastated over the loss of what was to come, but I did not feel like a mother yet then. I still think about that baby, and wonder what he would have become, but it's not the same as Kayla or Emily.
But I can't see how anyone can deny me mother status after losing Kayla just because she is not physically here with us. Afterall, my mother is gone, she doesn't parent me anymore but she is and will always be my mother. I know that most of my co-workers likely don't know the details, that I gave birth and all that. Unless they stop and think about it, they may think of it as an early miscarriage, where the baby just "went away". Or maybe they think I just bled a lot. But for the women that have children, and one of them that said this has two, how can they not think back to when they were about 22 weeks pregnant? They knew we had known the sex for a month, they knew we had a name picked out, I was showing....how can they not think back to their pregnancy at that stage and imagine how devastated they would have been to have lost the baby?
I've never experienced the loss of a living child, but I've always known it must be absolutely mind numbingly painful, and now that Emily is here my heart hurts at just the IDEA of something happening to her. So I just don't understand why people cannot understand how painful losing a baby is, even if you've never experienced it yourself. I knew it would happen from distant people who just don't get it, but I was very shocked by today's mail. I got a mother's day card from my brother and SIL, how nice....until I read the inside. Happy FIRST mother's day. Ugh.
They were there, they held Kayla, they cried....how can they, of all people think it's my first mother's day. Why do our babies have to physically be here for us to be recognized as mothers?. I mean, I get it....I love Kayla with all my heart, but I didn't understand how much you could love another being until Emily was born. She is my life, my heart...but Kayla would have been too had she lived. I will always love Kayla and for the rest of my life I will mourn her death. I will always wonder what she would have become, every year on March 24th I will have a heavy heart and relive that day, every milestone we happily celebrate with Emily I will be sad that we didn't get to do it with Kayla. I would go through all of the physical and emotional pain all over again just to hold her for a few more minutes. I would give anything to have been able to protect my baby and bring her into this world. How is that not being a mother?
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Happy Birthday to me
Well, yesterday since it's after midnight. Who says nothing good happens after 21, I have reached the rip roaring fun of advanced maternal age should we decide to try again. It's been on my mind a lot lately, which I shouldn't even be thinking about. I said we would wait until Emily is one before we made a decision....NOT that I am making any kind of decision right now, but it's like I keep trying to weigh the pros and cons in my head now and I totally should not be doing that.
But maybe if I yack about it here, I can stop thinking about it. So pros....another squishy baby. Emily is already growing so fast, she's 11.2 pounds now and according to my SIL no longer looks like a newborn :(. She's officially in 0-3 clothing now....some of her newborn still fit but they are hard to get on her and I would rather not struggle when she has clothes that are easy to get on, just for the sake of keeping her in newborn clothes a week or two longer.
It also makes me sad to think of never doing this again....never being pregnant again, never giving birth again (I know, call me crazy but mom-nesia and forgetting the pain has already set in). Plus since I would just have a repeat C section next time, I wouldn't have to go through that bullshit 32 hours of labor again, or being induced or having excruciating cervix checks. Another pro, Emily would have a sibling to grow up with, and having a shot at a boy would be fun though another girl would be fine by me. I also had a very successful pregnancy with no cervical shortening so there is a very good chance that another one would go well also with a cerclage. I've also always wanted at least two kids and it would be nice to not make Emily be that weird only child.
Ok on to cons....along with being high risk due to my loss history and gestational diabetes (I do hope to lose weight so this wouldn't be an issue, but that's not a guarantee I won't get GD again, and well, everyone knows how well intentioned plans to lose weight often go) I would also be AMA, making me at least 36 when I get pregnant and at least 36 going on 37 when I deliver. Even without the history there is always the chance of experiencing another loss and I am just not sure if I could handle another heartbreak, regardless of how early or late it may be. There is also the fact that it took a long time to get pregnant with my first pregnancy and with Kayla, so while Emily was quick, there is really no telling how long TTC would take again.
The kids would need to be very close in age, like I said we would pretty much have to start trying next March. For me, in an ideal world I'd love to have 3-5 years between kids, but at our age that just isn't possible, or at least it isn't possible for us because it is way out of my comfort zone. I am anxious about the idea of being pregnant and exhausted/sick while also taking care of a toddler, as well as taking care of a newborn with a toddler. Everyone I know with two or more kids, their life is utter chaos. The house is a mess, there is constant screaming and yelling and crying, they're always on the go because when this one doesn't have hockey or girl scouts or a friends birthday party, the other one has soccer or boy scouts or what have you.
One of my big fears about having kids was how much our life was going to change. I like a quiet house, I like an orderly house (despite being a rather messy person, I DO really enjoy a clean organized house), I like going out when and where we want to and I like relaxing in the evening and watching TV. So far, aside from poopy diapers and the occasional crying for no reason sleepless night, I am sometimes amazed at how much our new life resembles our old one. I put her back down after her morning feeding and I go back to bed so in addition to getting up often, I am still sleeping in most mornings. She is usually asleep somewhere by 9pm, I give her a last bottle at 11:30 but she's so sleepy that she goes right back to sleep afterward, I put her down and I can go enjoy some TV before bed. Lately she has been sleeping until at least 5am but the other night it was 6!
We still go when and where we want....Target, the grocery store....today she and I went shopping with my MIL, we had lunch, went to several stores and she just came along, happily sleeping in her stroller. She then went out to a nice restaurant with my husband, my brother and SIL and aside from the occasional coo and cry, she was perfect. Now I realize that will change in the coming months and years, but maybe having an only child just suits us better.
And finally, there is my irrational con. We got so lucky with Emily, my pregnancy was relatively complication free, I had an easy recovery from the C section, she's been a relatively easy baby and she is just absolutely perfect and healthy....I feel like trying again will tempt fate somehow. TTC is so stressful, first tri is so stressful, being high risk is extremely stressful. I prayed for three years for my baby and our prayers were finally answered. I got what I have wanted and I love her so much, so part of me is like, just be happy and blessed with the one we have here with us.
Ok, so I feel better now that I got that all out. Now hopefully I can just put it out of my mind and revisit the subject again in March. Maybe by then I will be perfectly content with just Emily and not be able to imagine going down that road again, or maybe the time will come and we will both decide our family is not yet complete and want to try for one more. I just hope the answer comes to me then and I am not still so up in the air in a year.
I'm going to end this entry on an exciting note. I got Emily's baptism gown today, it's just the cutest stinkin' thing ever and I bought myself a birthday gift....a Petunia PickleBottom diaper bag. It's soooo nice, I love it. I had a hard time rationalizing the price but I've began just carrying my wallet in the diaper bag so I don't have to carry two bags, so it's nice to have a pretty bag to carry. Eh, you only live once right?
But maybe if I yack about it here, I can stop thinking about it. So pros....another squishy baby. Emily is already growing so fast, she's 11.2 pounds now and according to my SIL no longer looks like a newborn :(. She's officially in 0-3 clothing now....some of her newborn still fit but they are hard to get on her and I would rather not struggle when she has clothes that are easy to get on, just for the sake of keeping her in newborn clothes a week or two longer.
It also makes me sad to think of never doing this again....never being pregnant again, never giving birth again (I know, call me crazy but mom-nesia and forgetting the pain has already set in). Plus since I would just have a repeat C section next time, I wouldn't have to go through that bullshit 32 hours of labor again, or being induced or having excruciating cervix checks. Another pro, Emily would have a sibling to grow up with, and having a shot at a boy would be fun though another girl would be fine by me. I also had a very successful pregnancy with no cervical shortening so there is a very good chance that another one would go well also with a cerclage. I've also always wanted at least two kids and it would be nice to not make Emily be that weird only child.
Ok on to cons....along with being high risk due to my loss history and gestational diabetes (I do hope to lose weight so this wouldn't be an issue, but that's not a guarantee I won't get GD again, and well, everyone knows how well intentioned plans to lose weight often go) I would also be AMA, making me at least 36 when I get pregnant and at least 36 going on 37 when I deliver. Even without the history there is always the chance of experiencing another loss and I am just not sure if I could handle another heartbreak, regardless of how early or late it may be. There is also the fact that it took a long time to get pregnant with my first pregnancy and with Kayla, so while Emily was quick, there is really no telling how long TTC would take again.
The kids would need to be very close in age, like I said we would pretty much have to start trying next March. For me, in an ideal world I'd love to have 3-5 years between kids, but at our age that just isn't possible, or at least it isn't possible for us because it is way out of my comfort zone. I am anxious about the idea of being pregnant and exhausted/sick while also taking care of a toddler, as well as taking care of a newborn with a toddler. Everyone I know with two or more kids, their life is utter chaos. The house is a mess, there is constant screaming and yelling and crying, they're always on the go because when this one doesn't have hockey or girl scouts or a friends birthday party, the other one has soccer or boy scouts or what have you.
One of my big fears about having kids was how much our life was going to change. I like a quiet house, I like an orderly house (despite being a rather messy person, I DO really enjoy a clean organized house), I like going out when and where we want to and I like relaxing in the evening and watching TV. So far, aside from poopy diapers and the occasional crying for no reason sleepless night, I am sometimes amazed at how much our new life resembles our old one. I put her back down after her morning feeding and I go back to bed so in addition to getting up often, I am still sleeping in most mornings. She is usually asleep somewhere by 9pm, I give her a last bottle at 11:30 but she's so sleepy that she goes right back to sleep afterward, I put her down and I can go enjoy some TV before bed. Lately she has been sleeping until at least 5am but the other night it was 6!
We still go when and where we want....Target, the grocery store....today she and I went shopping with my MIL, we had lunch, went to several stores and she just came along, happily sleeping in her stroller. She then went out to a nice restaurant with my husband, my brother and SIL and aside from the occasional coo and cry, she was perfect. Now I realize that will change in the coming months and years, but maybe having an only child just suits us better.
And finally, there is my irrational con. We got so lucky with Emily, my pregnancy was relatively complication free, I had an easy recovery from the C section, she's been a relatively easy baby and she is just absolutely perfect and healthy....I feel like trying again will tempt fate somehow. TTC is so stressful, first tri is so stressful, being high risk is extremely stressful. I prayed for three years for my baby and our prayers were finally answered. I got what I have wanted and I love her so much, so part of me is like, just be happy and blessed with the one we have here with us.
Ok, so I feel better now that I got that all out. Now hopefully I can just put it out of my mind and revisit the subject again in March. Maybe by then I will be perfectly content with just Emily and not be able to imagine going down that road again, or maybe the time will come and we will both decide our family is not yet complete and want to try for one more. I just hope the answer comes to me then and I am not still so up in the air in a year.
I'm going to end this entry on an exciting note. I got Emily's baptism gown today, it's just the cutest stinkin' thing ever and I bought myself a birthday gift....a Petunia PickleBottom diaper bag. It's soooo nice, I love it. I had a hard time rationalizing the price but I've began just carrying my wallet in the diaper bag so I don't have to carry two bags, so it's nice to have a pretty bag to carry. Eh, you only live once right?
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