One week

I hate that I have such a mind for dates and times.  This time last week we were in triage, learning the worst news a parent can hear.

We said goodbye to our angel yesterday.  The viewing started at 11, Ryan and I went in first and I immediately burst into tears when I saw her.  Though I have to say, as beautiful of a job as they did, she of course looked different and I think that made it just a little bit easier.  If she looked like my gorgeous girl I held just minutes after she was born I probably would have broken into a million pieces.  Instead she looked just like a little porceline doll.

Amanda had bought her a little preemie outfit to be buried in.  It was of course too big but the funeral home did a good job of pinning it so it fit better.  The funeral home provided a little teddy bear in the foot of the casket.  We put in one of her ultrasound pictures and little U of M booties, they were the first thing I ever bought for her.  My brother also put in a picture of him and I with our mom when we were little.

People started coming in not long after; we had a lot of friends and family come to support us.  Im glad it was only two hours because near the end I just felt drained and exhausted.  At the end our friend Dan said a few words that were very touching and comforting.

Then we had our final moments with her.  We said our goodbyes and I told her how much I love her.  The funeral director came in to prepare the casket so we asked if we could stay.  He needed to arrange everything so he said we could hold her while he did that so I held her and Ryan took one last picture and then he held her.  When we were all done, Ryan carried the casket out to the front seat of the hearse.  I was so glad he got to do that, I know it was such a huge honor for him.

So then we processed out to the cemetary and my dad carried her from the car to the spot under the tent where Dan said another prayer and then we watched her be buried.  It was hard, but I think it was good closure for us.

My dad had a beautiful arrangement made that was behind the casket at the funeral home and then was placed on top of her grave.  It was a pretty flower arrangement with a beautiful angel girl statue in the middle.  We went to the cemetary today to get the angel so we can make some sort of garden design around it in our backyard.  We also left each of our footprints in the dirt and wrote "We love you".

So after the burial everyone came back to our house for a luncheon.  Thank God it was a beautiful day and warm enough that people could roam out on the deck and backyard too because otherwise it would have been a very crowded house.  Everyone brought really great food and it was nice to talk and just be with everyone.  Amanda brought her boys over for that part and I loved them being there.  The youngest one, Nolan, is my Godson.  He kept coming over to me and putting his arms up so Id pick him up and put him on my lap.  Then hed open his mouth for some food and Id give him little bites of my lunch.  Then hed go from person to person with his mouth open begging for food like a baby bird.  So freaking adorable.

So now that everything is done I dont know what to do now.  Im no stranger to grief; I lost my mom when I was 25, a childhood friend died when we were in the first grade, I lost my grandparents whom I adored within weeks of each other last summer.  But this is a completely different kind of grief.  I have no memories of her to cherish aside from the last few weeks of kicks and the hours I held her after she was already gone.   By the way I can still feel the kicks.  I dont know if they are phantom sensations or random muscle spasms but thanks body, thats a real nice mindfuck since I already forget sometimes that I am not pregnant anymore.

I dont like thinking of times when I was pregnant because it hurts too much and I so desperately still want to be pregnant with her.  I can feel the desire to try again soon in the future but that makes me feel guilty as though we'd be replacing her.  But on the flip side, I know I will love our future baby, but right now I dont want to be pregnant with any other baby, I just want her.

I also have no idea how Im going to be pregnant again without freaking out and wanting to run to the hospital everytime I feel anything that scares me.  I will of course use it again, but our doppler won't even offer the same reassurance that it did for us this time, given the fact that her heartbeat was perfect and strong the night before and she was kicking just half an hour before she was born.  I'm angry that we won't get to enjoy being pregnant next time.  I mean, of course I will have moments where I am happy and feel good, but I would imagine any pgal brain I experienced this time will be multiplied by about 100 next time.  I don't want to do the big happy annoucement next time, or put anything on facebook until our LO is here and safe in our arms.  I'll tell my boss probably pretty early next time so he knows whats going on and since I'll likely have a lot of appointments, but everyone at work will just find out when it becomes obvious that I am showing.

Any time I got scared and worried about anything bad happening, I told myself thousands of women give birth to healthy full term babies everyday so why shouldn't I be one of them, but then I turned out not to be.  My husband mentioned his cousin today, who is due any day now in fact.  We all had a huge falling out around our wedding and haven't spoken since.  Don't get me wrong, I would never ever ever wish this kind of pain on anyone, but why does she gets to have her dream come true?  She's a selfish, bratty, immature person, why does she get what she wants and we don't?  We were on our way home from my inlaws tonight when he brought it up and I immediately started crying; I'm just so angry.  I stupidly looked on the baby gallery today and saw that 8 other babies were born the same day as Kayla....one of them even at the exact time as her.  Why were all those woman so lucky?  Of course I know, they may have a history of heartache as well.  Who knows, maybe all of them finally got their rainbow babies after too much heartache, but of course that's the irrational side of me coming out, being angry at perfect strangers because tragedy did not strike them, at least not this time.

I've basically stopped bleeding....it's very light now and at some points through out the day there hasn't been anything...and THAT makes me sad.  Figure that one out.  You'd think the bleeding and cramping would just be an awful reminder of what happaned, but for whatever goddamn reason the end of it makes me sad.

Some moments I am so full of hope its ridiculous.  I am hopeful because even if my body doesn't somehow magically reset itself, I don't have to wait to go back to my RE, I can pretty much go back as soon as I am physically cleared to try again.  I didn't need fertility meds last time, so hopefully just getting back on the 1500 mg of metformin will make me ovulate.  I am also really pumped to start at the gym on Monday.  My husband has been going pretty relgiously with his friend lately, his arms are getting huge and I have really noticed a slim down in his midsection, so I have a lot of faith that it will be easier to stick to going to the gym since they go almost everyday.  Plus, thankfully I have the next 5 weeks off from work...I am sure there will come a time very quickly where I will be bored out of my mind and actually want to go to the gym.  So I am very hopeful that I can lose a lot of weight so my body will just work on its own.  I only gained 4 pounds with the pregnancy and I weighed myself yesterday and I am back to my pre-baby weight.

It also gives me hope that the two times we knew for sure I was ovulating and we tried, I got pregnant, so I am hoping it happens like that again.  But at the other end of all that hope is the anger and fear again.  Fear of actually getting pregnant again, angry that I cannot be as excited and scream any good news from the rooftops.  I also fear that it will be difficult to bond with another pregnancy....but I think the fact that I feel that way means I am obviously not ready to try right now, which of course isn't even an option.  Hopefully once we are, that fear won't be a factor.

Kayla's Birth Story

It is 4:30 am and not a sleepy eye in sight.  I fear I will not get a wink of sleep until I get my thoughts down, or at least start them.

Saturday March 23rd started as an exciting day.  I went to my MIL's to discuss baby shower plans with my family and friends.  We had fun, made great plans about the shower I was so looking forward to, talked about baby Kayla and had good food.  I gave my dad's girlfriend a picture frame with her ultrasound picture in it, and the frame was engraved with "I love my grammy".

But truthfully, my mother's instinct had already set in, I just didn't quite know it yet.  I had been cramping for a few days by then.  On the one hand I wasn't so worried, I started out my pregnancy with a solid 3-4 weeks of menstrual-like cramps and was told it was completely normal, just uterine stretching.  Around 8 weeks they went from constant and everyday to just now and again, I often went weeks without feeling them, so at first I was annoyed they were back, but not concerned.

I started to get concerned when they were still there by day two.  Since I only started getting them occasionally, they usually only lasted a few hours, but definitely less than a day.  I told myself I needed water.  I had barely drank anything close to my needed amount of water the day before, and my doctor said dehydration can cause the cramping as well, so the next day I drank and drank and drank until I couldn't drink anymore, but the cramps remained.

I also noticed my discharge had increased, and was different....now snot-like.  I googled and found enough women saying their discharge increased around 22ish weeks so I was satisfied with that.  My cramping persisted and even was bothering me more through out the day on Saturday.  In early evening I took a nap as I had done all week long as though first tri fatigue had found me again.  That night Ryan and I watched a movie and ordered dinner.  I got full very quickly but suspected the cramps were making me feel more full, so I laid down but the cramping was only getting worse.  I decided to google "preterm labor" and was very scared with the findings.  I guess I had always thought contractions would be sharp jabbing pains, but when I read that it often started as menstrual type cramps, I freaked.  I called the on-call doctor which thankfully turned out to be my own doctor and she said for me to come in and get it checked out.

Ryan dropped me off at emergency and thankfully joined me after parking the car before they took me back and we were quickly escorted to OB triage.  I gave a urine sample, changed into the gown and the nurse came in.  She explained that they wouldn't hook me up to fetal monitoring since I wasn't at or passed 24 weeks, but she used a heavy duty doppler and found the beautiful strong heartbeat and explained to me that the cramping could just be from stretching, especially since I had never made it this far before and my uterus had a lot of stretching to do.

As a precaution though, the resident would be coming in to check my cervix.  I remember not even being very scared on the way to the hospital.  The cramping was coming ever three to four minutes but at that point, while uncomfortable, the warm dull ache in my lower abdomen wasn't that painful and I was certain that if I was in preterm labor, they could give me something to stop it, I'd maybe be held for observation and then be on our way home.  I was also put at ease by the very nice nurse who found the strong heartbeat and guessed stretching as the cause.

Before the resident came in, the nurse told me there was blood in my urine, so likely a bladder infection.  I had a symptom-less bladder infection in early first tri so I figured it was likely I had another one.  The resident then came in and gave me a very painful exam that start our nightmare.  I was dialated four centimeters and she could see the water bag right at my cervix.  Further testing of the cultures confirmed that some of the discharge I was experiencing was in fact due to a small leak in the bag.  So my water had not yet broken, but it was leaking.

The resident explained that at this point (22 weeks 1 day) if I were to deliver the baby would not survive.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing and immediately began crying.  My husband was still holding my hand from the painful exam and we both just sat there, trying to understand what we just heard.  I asked if it was possible she could stay in, or they could stop the labor for at least two more weeks when we would reach viability, so if I did deliver she would have at least a chance, but she explained the chance of that was very low and chance of miscarriage was very high.

She said I would be admitted for at least the night and if I was still pregnant on Monday I would have some other test done, but honestly I didn't hear a word she said after that.  A few minutes later they wheeled me to our labor and delivery room.  My husband text his mom and within half an hour she, my FIL and our niece was there.  By this time it was about 1am, so they sat with us for a little bit and then went to try to sleep in a waiting room to give us some privacy.  The next several hours proved to be the longest night of my life.

My husband was able to fall asleep on the dad couch, but between the beeping of my IV machine and the cramps/contractions I don't think I slept more than 15 minutes the whole night.  Around 3am the intensified dull ache cramps changed to sharper pains that were higher up on my uterus.  These were much harder to take, I got some relief if I rolled on either side, but each time I changed positions I was in pain and uncomfortable again within a couple minutes.  The contractions were lasting about 20 seconds and were every 2-3 minutes so I was in a lot of pain as the night progressed.

I just kept going over it in my head, thinking she just has to stay in...maybe the cramps would lessen, labor would stop and bed rest would buy us another two weeks until viability.  I thought of my three spotting episodes, how each time I was certain we were losing her but we pulled through and everything was fine, so this just had to have the same outcome.  But as the pain got worse, my confidence that she could stay put for two more weeks lessened and lessened.  Around 4am another resident came in to do another exam but said I was still dilated 3-4 centimeters, so I took that as another good sign but my hope was crushed when Ryan woke up around 8, checked on me and found that my leakage was now also mixed with blood.

Around then a new, wonderful nurse came in that was very comforting and nice.  She gave me the option of some pain meds and said if my body could calm down maybe it would stop laboring on its own and we could buy some time.  I think my hope built up and crashed dozens of times in that 12 hours.  The resident came in to say my doctor was on her way, but said if the pain was really that bad an epidural might be better and then we could consult with my doctor on what to do.  She then did an exam and said she could not even see the cervix now, which was a bad sign....the anesthesiologist came in to administer the epidural.  I was told the poke would hurt and then burn for 10 seconds but other than that the epidural wouldn't hurt.  I sat up on the side of the bed, the nurse held me and kept encouraging me to relax my body, which was very hard to do because I was so scared, I was now contracting every 30 seconds or so and the anesthesiologists hands were ice cold.  The poke and burn hurt a lot, but thankfully it was quick.  But then I kept getting shooting pains down each side of my body and through my hips, but as she made adjustments and asking which sides the pain was on, it finally went away.

For a few minutes I could still feel the contractions but they went from a 10 on the pain scale to a 2 or 3 until finally I couldn't feel them anymore.  But now that my physical pain was gone, I could focus on my emotional pain.  My doctor got there shortly after and talked with us, then she let my inlaws in so they could understand what was going on.  Despite not feeling all that cold, I started shaking uncontrollably which my doctor said was a sign I would deliver soon.  I asked if there was any way they could try to save her but she said it just wasn't possible.  My MIL was crying and trying to understand why two weeks could make such a huge difference.

My doctor explained that the baby would grow a significant amount in that two weeks, and at this point would be too small to even be able to work on her to try to save her.  She explained to us all that her hope was that she could deliver the baby and placenta all at once in the intact bag as it would be the easiest on me.  If the bag ruptures, it would be a lot harder to get the placenta.  While she was talked to us, I felt a gush, she asked our family to step out so she could check me, and confirmed that the bag had indeed just ruptured and I was ready to deliver right then.  I couldn't grasp what was happening, just 20 hours earlier we were planning my baby shower, and now I was preparing to deliver at 22 weeks and say goodbye to our little girl.

She let our family back in one last time before we started, my MIL was a mess, she hugged me and we both sobbed.  She told me how strong and brave I was, which meant soooo much to me, but I didn't feel it.  I wasn't being brave, I just had no other choice.  I was so devastated, especially knowing that there was likely nothing at all wrong with our sweet baby, but my body was failing her.  Just half an hour before I delivered I could feel her kicking.  As her mother I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn't do it.  I can't say whether or not it would have made it better, but in my mind, then and now it hurt so much to know there was nothing wrong with her.  Her passing wasn't for the best, it wasn't saving her any suffering, there was nothing wrong with her, it was all me.  If we could have just given her a safe place to grow, we would have gotten to take her home in July.  The guilt for not being able to protect my sweet baby is crushing.

My dad was out of town for the weekend, 4 hours away at his place up north.  Despite worrying I would do nothing but cry, I had intended to call him to let him know what was happening but things progressed too quickly so my MIL promised to call him.  But she then said she would call his girlfriend first, and then Brenda could call him as it would be easier for him to hear the news from her.  I was terrified of him driving the four hours home, upset and worried.  My brother also happened to be out of town, but since he was coming home that day anyway, we decided to wait until he was home to tell him so I wouldn't have to worry about two people driving upset.

Immediately my doctor prepared for delivery, broke down the bed and we began.  The nurse held my left leg, Ryan held my right and she told me when to start pushing.  I was thankful to be numb and not feel anything, but it was hard to even know if I was in fact pushing, or if I was doing it hard enough but my doctor encouraged me and said I was doing great.  The baby was breech, so it was a little harder than it would have otherwise been, but all in all the delivery took less than 10 minutes.  Mercifully, we heard nothing when she came out, and the nurse delcared quickly that there were no signs of life as Ryan and I both feared we would hear her cry or gasp and then know our angel had to suffer for any length of time until she passed.  The nurse gave us a quick peek, and then took her off to the side to clean her up and dress her.

Our precious Kayla Kathryn was born sleeping on March 24th 2013 at 10:11 am, weighing just 1 pound 1.6 ounces and measured 11.5 inches long.

Since her original plan of delivering the bag intact did not work, my doctor immediately attempted to get the placenta but could not, so they inserted some tablets which they hoped would help me deliver it on my own, but if not I would need to have a D&C to remove it.  Once the nurses were finished, they brought Kayla to me.  She was dressed in a tiny gown that volunteers make and wrapped in a pink fleece blanket.  She was bruised, but otherwise so beautiful and perfect.  I couldn't believe how tiny she was, and how amazingly perfect all of her features were, just like a full term baby only super miniature size.  Her little fingers were no bigger than the stick part of a Qtip, her nose and mouth were so tiny I can't even think of anything to compare them to and her little ears were just as detailed and complete as could be, just very very tiny.  Her little fingernails were the same size that the dot of a fine point marker would make.

 I held her and Ryan held me and I just sobbed for what felt like forever. As hard as it all was, I have to say as a mother I feel very lucky and blessed that I got to give birth to her and hold her.  I know many in our situation do not get to experience that and have that closure.  Once we felt we had enough alone time with her for the time being my best friend and my dad's girlfriend came in.  They came in sobbing and Brenda, my dad's girlfriend was very upset when she saw her.  I gave her to her to hold and she just cried and cried, saying her name over and over.  She said she prayed for her so hard from the minute she got the phone call.  Amanda said she prayed for us the night before but she didn't know anything was wrong at that point.  She said she didn't know why, but she just felt compelled to pray for us.

Once the nurse told me there was no limit to how many people we had in at once, we asked my MIL, FIL and niece to come in as well.  There were lots and lots of tears, pretty much everytime someone new came I started crying all over again.  My aunt came, my husband's best friend, and my dad got there a few hours later, and my brother and his girlfriend later in the evening.  I was very nervous for how my dad would react, but he was amazing...he needed a little bit of time before he was ready to hold her, but he was his usual strong self.  At some point something was said about her name, but my dad said he was changing it to beautiful :)  He said she had my nose, which I would have to agree.  Actually I thought her nose, lips and chin were mine....it was hard to say about the rest of her face since her head and eye area were pretty bruised and of course her eyes were closed.

We ended up having to tell my brother while he was still on the road because his girlfriend text me and said he was panicing a little bit and wanted to see if I was ok.  I knew if we kept calling him asking if he was home yet, he would catch on that something was up.  I decided it was better to tell him then let him keep wondering and possibly being worried that it was something even worse, like I wasn't ok or something.  When he got there, he looked pretty freaked out.  I was amazed how well he did, he is a pretty sensitive guy and I am his baby sister and I know how excited he was to be an uncle so I know it was hard on him.  He had to step out of the room at one point so I could be checked out and I later found out he was crying in the hallway and a nurse came by and offered them an empty room to chill out in for a bit so he didn't have to cry in the hallway.  That broke my heart to hear.

So our family and friends surrounded us all day and they were so amazing.  Everyone kept volunteering to do things for us, my aunt called my boss, Ryan's best friend went to our house and collected any baby stuff, put it in the nursery and shut the door so we wouldn't have to see it when we got home.  My inlaws went to our house later and got some of our stuff for us....oddly enough I had just packed my hospital bag a few days before because I am a crazy planner and wanted to have it done in plenty of time.  Turns out, it wasn't early at all.  So they were able to just grab that and we gave them a list of a few other things we needed.

Around 2pm the resident that assisted my doctor with the delivery came in to check and see if I would be able to deliver the placenta.  The original plan was if I could, I could try to push it out, but since she could feel it right there and worried about me not being able to push it out whole, she decided to pull it out herself.  My epidural had mostly worn off by then and it was by far one of if not the most painful thing of my entire life.  But luckily it only took about a minute or two and she was able to get it out whole, so I would not need a D&C.  Despite the pain, I was very happy about that.  I was not looking forward to being put under, I didn't want to be away from Kayla for that long since we had precious few hours with her to begin with.  I was also happy to be able to eat, since I wasn't allowed to until they knew for sure I wouldn't need the D&C.  I hadn't eaten since dinner before we came to the hospital, so by the time I got to eat dinner it had been almost 20 hours since I had eaten last.  Of course being excited about being able to eat made me feel guilty...my beautiful girl was gone and I was worried about stuffing my face.

Once the epidural had completely worn off I was allowed to get up and shower.  The shower wasn't great since I had to keep my IV arm from getting wet, but it felt great to get into bed with clean sheets, showered and in a fresh gown.  When I came out of the bathroom my FIL was holding Kayla and for a very split second, I forgot everything wasn't ok and I thought he was holding his new perfectly healthy granddaughter, and my heart broke all over again when  I realized.  Our last visitors for the day left around 9, and that's when reality set in again.  When people were with us we were able to ease our minds, and sometimes even smile and laugh, but once it was just us I cried and cried.  We fell asleep pretty early since I hadn't really slept in 36 hours.  Despite being woken up by the beeping IV and getting my blood pressure and temperature checked every two hours, I slept well until my 6am check and then I couldn't get back to sleep.  My husband was still sleeping and he had been so strong for me all day so I knew he desperately needed sleep.

Kayla had spent the night in the crib next to my bed, it was still dark out so I sat up in bed, got her out of the crib and held her and sobbed.  It was a bittersweet moment, it hurt so much but it will be a moment I will cherish forever, just me and her in the early hours of the morning.

Later in the day my best friend came up and my dad and his girlfriend, and the hospital clergywoman came to say a blessing which was kind of the equivalent of baptizing her.  Her words were really beautiful and made us all cry.  While my dad was there he went over the information he got from the funeral home and we made our final arrangement decisions for her.  We're having a small, private service on Friday at the funeral home and then a short graveside service at the cemetery and then we're having family and friends back to our house for a luncheon.

We were really torn on which cemetery.  There is one right by our house, but then there is the cemetery where my mom, grandma, and grandpa are at.  We would have loved to have had her there, but it's been almost 9 years since I lost my mom so the feeling that she "is there" had faded, so I wouldn't really have that comfort that Kayla is there with her per se.  Basically it all came down to the fact that having her close by at the cemetery just 5 minutes away was the most important thing to us.  It is not anywhere near as nice of a cemetery as the one my mom is in, but the idea of her being 40 minutes away, and needing basically 2 hours to go see her seems horrible.  We are both very happy with our decision to have her close by.

So about an hour later the nurse came in and said the funeral home was there to pick her up so everyone gave us some time and Ryan and I said our goodbyes.  Ryan sat on the bed with me and we held her and sobbed again....then the nurse came in to take her.  Giving her to the nurse and seeing her take her away was seriously the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and Ryan and I just held each other for the longest time.  About an hour later I was cleared to go home.  Ryan went to get the car and I waited for an aid to wheel me out.  Leaving the hospital empty handed was horrible, I could feel people watching me as I was wheeled to the elevator.  I didn't know it at the time, but my room door had an angel sign on it so anyone entering would know the situation.

We were glad to get home, and sleeping in our own bed, and being able to sleep with my husband was nice rather than having him on the sleeper sofa across the room.  Today was a lot of ups and downs....I cry when I am not expecting it, and I'm ok when I would think I'd break down.  A part of me keeps forgetting that I am not pregnant anymore.  I am bleeding and cramping and I am so used to this feeling freaking me out, I go through several panicked moments a day when I get a cramp, or remember I am bleeding, thinking for a split second that I am still pregnant and it means my baby isn't ok.  But when I remember what happaned, it is one of the very few consolations when I realize I no longer have to worry about her.

Our family and friends have been so amazing, giving so much love and support.  In fact we are completely in awe over how much love we've received from doctors and nurses to random people we end up telling because I burst into tears.  The ladies on the bump have been so supportive and wonderful as well, and it's just so heartwarming to see how compassionate and supportive people can be who have never even met us.  My husband has also been so strong and caring, he has been my rock and I have no idea how I would have gotten through this without him.  In the end this has been the most painful yet wonderful experience of my entire life.  I want nothing more for my baby to still be resting safely inside me so we could have taken her home and cherished her everyday in July, but that didn't happen and it doesn't change the fact that she is our precious daugher, we are her mommy and daddy and I am so unbelievably in love with her.  I both look forward and dread Friday, to see her again and say our final goodbyes, but I am comforted to know she is resting peacefully in the arms of my mother in Heaven.

I will love you forever Kayla Kathryn and I will see you again one day.   

For Kayla- 21 wks 2 days

While Ryan and my FIL were working in the nursery the other day, Ryan spied his dad write on a stud before it got covered with drywall, "For Kayla, love Papa".  Awwwww.

Today Ryan ran his first 5K (he's walked several with me before but this was his first running one) and I cheered him on, which was a weird role reversal.  Before the race we were talking with his friends, and talked about getting a jogging stroller.  So Ryan goes, "Hey Phil, if we get a jogging stroller do you want to push my daughter in it".  Suddenly both our eyes went big and we stared at each other...it was such a weird thing to say/hear; our daughter  :)

Future soccer player?- 21 wks 1 day

My baby girl has been kicking pretty steady since about 17 or 18 weeks, but today for the first time I saw the kick!  It was so cool.  I was laying on the couch and my phone was on my tummy and suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw my phone jump up a little.  So I moved the phone and stared at my stomach for like ten minutes and saw several little rise and falls as she practiced her soccer kicks.

Once Ryan got home and I was laying down again, I watched some more to see if she would do it again and she did, but of course when he came over and watched and put his hand on my stomach she stopped, lol, stubborn little thing.

Now for a warning, my mush-o-meter is about to go sky high.  I've always dreamed of having kids, despite always wondering if I was ready, kids was always something I wanted one day.  I've seen aunts and cousins and friends go through pregnancies, and I was always so happy for them, but I just had no idea.  I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life, and everyday I am just blown away by what a magical time this is for us.  Sure I have moments of discomfort and pain....I currently cannot feel my fingertips on my thumb and two fingers of my right hand, haven't been able to for weeks.  I am hungry but I still have to check my blood sugar in 25 more minutes so I cannot eat until then, and thanks to some pretty knarly constipation I've had some bathroom moments that makes me think I am being forced to practice childbirth.  But overall I have had a very smooth, uneventful pregnnacy and so far I just love being pregnant.  I don't know if I physically have it, but mentally and emotionally I feel the glow.  Ok, mushiness moment over.

Here I am this week at 21 weeks....I feel like I have really popped a lot in the last few weeks.

Ryan and I went on the tour of the perinatal unit at the hospital the other day.  I really enjoyed it, it was very informative and it was nice to see exactly where I will be.  I am also glad to hear that all of the rooms are now private so no worry of sharing with another momma.  I can't even imagine.  The mother-baby room (my room for the duration of the stay once she is born) that we toured was an old semi-private, so the tour guide joked that it's nice because there are still two TV's, so mom and dad can each watch what they want.  We're taking an Infant Care class next month, and a Breastfeeding class in June.  There is also a child birth class that Ryan thinks we should take, but I don't know.  The cost of that class is the same as the other two put together, plus it's an entire weekend, several hours each day.  Besides, I know what I know about child birth, and any other information will just scare me, so I'd rather not.

My FIL came over today and he and Ryan framed in and hung the drywall at the top of the closet in the nursery.  It took several hours, so that's likely the hardest longest part until we can paint.  So now over the next week or two Ryan can just mud and sand each day until it's done.  Then the closet doors can go on, and painting can begin!  I would imagine there will even be days when my FIL comes over while we're at work to get some painting done, that's what he did in our bedroom and living room when we first bought the house.  Well actually he didn't paint the whole rooms, just hung the molding at the top and painted the drop effect.

I came across this song on a fellow bumpie's blog, I really like it.  It's pretty fitting for us too.


 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m36xv75MJ4U


Don't get me wrong, I know Ryan is thrilled to have our little Kayla...I mean he's always talked about having a daughter and has had her name picked out for years and years.  But since I got pregnant we both thought it was a boy, and he kept calling the baby he.  When we found out she's a girl, he called his friend and said "what the hell am I going to do with a daughter"?  But I know he is just intimidated.  He is familiar with boy parts, obviously, and knows what boys like.  But a girl, I think he is feeling a little lost.  But I know, just as in the song, she's going to have him wrapped around his little finger from the moment he lays eyes on her.  I think every man should be able to have a little daddy's girl.

I also kind of chuckle because I think someday soon Ryan is going to have a whole new understanding for my dad.  To say that Ryan and my dad don't get along is so not true.  But there is....tension.  Especially when we first moved in together and were getting married.  I think my dad was having a hard time letting go, and trusting someone else to take care of me and I think someday Ryan is going to know exactly what my dad was feeling.

Many new developements- 20 wks 3 days

The first being, I have turned into THAT wife.  That unnattractive, unsexy pregnant wife.  I've only stopped short of wearing granny panties (though my cotton Hanes three pack might be well on my way) and wearing nightgowns.  Side note, I will NEVER wear a nightgown.

That being said, I have my snoogle which for the uninformed, is a C shaped body pillow; one end goes between your thighs and the other end is perfect for hugging and snuggling.  There are other ways to use it, but this is my favorite.  However I have to "climb into it" when I get into bed.  I also am not skilled at changing positions through out the night with it, so sometimes I end up turning over half way with the pillow under me so no doubt my rear is up in the air until I am uncomfortable enough to finish changing positions.

I have developed pregnancy carpal tunnel (which by the way it's progressed enough that I have to see a specialist soon, yay) and have to wear wrist braces at night so my hands and arms don't completely fall asleep.  They are black, go from my fingers to mid forearm and kind of resemble oven mitts.  I have also developed a pretty wicked snore.  So here I am, wrapped up in this pillow, with my oven mitts on snoring away.  I found Ryan on the couch the other morning, apparently he couldn't handle the snoring.  All I can say is, paybacks are a bitch.

So Friday night we celebrated being half baked with Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream.  We had a nice healthy dinner of grilled chicken salad so I could indulge in the carbelicious ice cream, though I had only intended to eat a fourth or maybe half, and before I knew it the entire thing was gone.  But it was good...and then I didn't feel well, and ended up snoozing most of the night away on the couch, only to get up long enough to go to bed.  I'm so excited to be in the 20's now....just 20 more to go!

Saturday morning we went to Lowe's to get supplies for the nursery....drywall, closet doors, lumber, and paint.  We got everything we needed and it only came to $300, so we still have enough tax money left over to buy the glider rocker and a ceiling fan.  My FIL met us at the store so he could haul the stuff back in his truck.  I was starving, so while they went to pay for the stuff I got a hot dog...my first my entire pregnancy.  I don't intend to eat them often, but I wanted one so bad.  I got done before them, so in true pregnant woman form, I went outside, found a piucnic table for sale and sat down and ate my lunch.  It was soooo good.

My FIL is coming over Saturday to get started on putting the closet doors on.  I can't wait to see the room come together.  We got really pretty shades of gray and pink, and we decided in addition to the panels on the closet doors, we're going to paint the baseboards and the trim near the ceiling pink as well.  I guess I had better get in there in the next few days and finish cleaning out the room.

So later in the day, Amanda went with me to Buy Buy Baby to finish registering.   She helped me figure out what kind of pacifiers, bottles and nipples to register for.  We registered for three different types of bottles, so hopefully Kayla likes one or all of them.  Amanda was really squeeing over all the adorable girl clothes.  I know she loves her boys to pieces, but I know she's going to love buying my little girl frilly things.  Everyone has started shower chatter; it looks like my dad's GF, my MIL, SIL, Amanda and my brother's girlfriend will all be involved.  I'm so lucky to have so many people who want to help throw me a shower.

I had a doctor appointment today, my weight, measurement and blood pressure are all great.  I had a few blood sugar readings that they said are borderline too high, so she just wants me to test a little more often each week.  I think I know why some of the readings weren't great, so I'll just have to adjust my diet.  I asked about 3D ultrasounds but she said they are cracking down on them if they aren't medically necessary.  Amanda went there with her first pregnancy and had one, but that was almost 4 years ago...a lot can change in the OB world in 4 years.  So at Ryan's insistance, we're going to an elective place to get one done.  I could do without, but since he is paying for most of it with overtime money, I am kind of excited by it.  We want to wait a while so the baby is more filled out and looks better in 3D, so we figure early to mid May should be good since I'll be about 28 or 29 weeks.

We're doing the hospital tour on Wednesday as long as Ryan doesn't have to work, since of course it's supposed to snow.  It only snows when we have stuff planned.  But we don't have to register and it's free, so if we can't make it there is another one at the end of the month.  I am excited to see the perinatal unit; I think seeing where I will be and everything will make it all seem less scary.  I was looking online at the other classes they offer, there is a breastfeeding one, childbirth and infant 0-3 class.  I was interested in the first and last, since I fear the childbirth will just scare the crap out of me, but Ryan thinks we should do all three, and he says he'll go with me!  Ok, he's really not a neandrathal jerk that he seems like since I am so surprised he'll go.....but I never would have guessed he would be so eager to go to a class about childbirth and breastfeeding.  He's already proven he's going to be an amazing father and she's not even here yet.

Ok, enough mushy stuff...I was planning on calling my insurance company next month because I am getting a new insurance company, and I want to see if they cover a breast pump.  But then it dawned on me today, that I should call my current provider, just in case it turns out my new one doesn't cover it.  So I did, and my current company does cover it!  I just need my doctor to call in a prescription for it...I asked if they cover just the manual or if the electric is possible and she said it's whatever my doctor prescribes.  I see no reason why my doctor wouldn't prescribe the double electric, especially since I will be returning to work and will have to pump at work.  So I'll call my doctor back tomorrow and get that started, so excited!

Cravings- 19 wks 5 days

I don't know what's going on, but my cravings have been insane this week...causing me to consider doing things I am not proud of.  The other day I was cleaning, and saw a mini peanutbutter cup on the floor.  I can't even tell you when my husband was eating those, it was probably weeks ago.  I seriously stood there and considered eating it for several seconds.  I didn't, but I seriously considered it.

Then tonight, I wanted my usual bedtime snack of Cap n' Crunch cereal (which by the way I stood in the grocery aisle for a good 5 minutes trying to find it).  We are out of milk, but I remebered we have some half 'n half in the fridge.  Not ideal, but it would do....except it expired at the end of January, but I still considered using it since it was never opened.  Ugh, what it happening to me?

Then I was dying for that sushi we had a couple of weeks ago.  It was awesome sushi, but even outside of the sushi category, it was seriously one of the best foods I've ever had in my life.  It was a coconut shrimp roll or something like that, plus it had all these different sauces on it and it was sooooo good.  I'm dying for some more, but that restaurant was like 30 minutes away and we really can 't afford to go there for dinner again.  I spent about 15 minutes scouring menus for more local places to see if they had anything like it but nope.  I want it so bad :(

I found out today we're having a "food on a stick" potluck in a few weeks at work.  I think I'm going to make sesame chicken on a stick, but I was browsing pinterest to see if I found a more appealing idea.  I had to stop looking, all of the yummy fruit, salad and meat kabobs were making me drool.  Seriously this has been the worst week for cravings...and I'm not even all that hungry at the moment, I just want everything I can't have.  We're going out for a nice big salad on Friday which is hopefully pretty low carb, so I can indulge in some Ben and Jerry's Half Baked, in celebration of Kayla being half baked.  Hopefully that will satisfy some kind of craving.

My dad is the best!- 19 wks 5 days

I keep busting out of my winter coat....twice now the zipper has just broken open, and lately I've been leaving it unzipped because I don't want to have to try to climb out of it if it breaks again and the pull things gets stuck.

With only a month or so left of winter, I didn't want to spend money on a new coat, so my dad went to a thrift shop and got me one.  I was a little nervous how it would look, ya know, my dad trying to pick out a woman's coat and all.  Well, it's beautiful!  It's a gray wool short pea coat type....I can't button it down all the way, but doing the top two buttons keeps it closed enough, though my dad did say it's not a big deal to move the buttons over.  He even left $10 in the pocket so I can go get it dry cleaned :)  What an awesome dad I have!

Nice day- 19 wks 4 days

I was a busy little bee today.  I've been feeling better since being on Colace, but last night the baaaaad constipation came back in full force.  Sorry this is TMI, but it's a pregnancy blog so you came in at your own risk.  So after about 30 minutes and a teeny bit of relief, I gave up and went to bed.  I really can't say what is worse, a difficult BM, or not being able to finish going, lol.  I woke up this morning feeling not so well, and was worried I would deal with feeling like crap all day, pun intended, or would have the very unpleasant task of trying to poop at work and it not going well.

 Plus, in the past I've spotted after a difficult BM and if that were to happen today, which it did not thankfully, I didn't want to be at work.  So after I called in I went back to bed until about 10:30.  Ryan woke me up and asked if I wanted McDonalds.  When he came back with it, he raised up the bed and turned on the TV so I could eat in bed and watch TV.  What a sweetie :)

After laying around for a little while and watching TV, I felt pretty energetic so I picked up the living room and kitchen a little.  My husband loves this thing called a turkey roll.  It comes in a pan with gravy, it takes forever to cook, almost three hours but it's so easy.  Literally all you do is take it out of the freezer and throw it in the oven.  I wanted leftover taco soup, so I just put the turkey roll in for him.  I wish dinner could be like that every night.

So then I put together the pack 'n play that my aunt gave me a couple years ago.  It's pretty cute....I think it will work great to put in the gym so the baby can nap or play while I work out.  That's my hope anyway.  It will also be great to take whenever we travel or go up north or something.  It's very easy to set up and take down.  So while I was in the nursery I decided to finish cleaning out the shelves in the closet.  So that's done, now I just have to find a home for some random stuff like throw pillows, an old set of golf clubs and stuffed animals.  Once I get all that cleaned out, I can vacuum and shampoo the carpet.  I am hoping once all that is done, Ryan will get started on drywalling the closet, installing the doors and painting.  I think we are going this weekend to get the stuff.

So it was a great day, very relaxing but I got a lot done at the same time.  I'm waiting to see how long it will take before I find a cat in the pack 'n play.  I'm guessing sometime in the next 24 hours.

Vent- 19 wks 2 days

I keep meaning to vent about this, and keep forgetting.  When people hear or realize that I am due in July, they have to exclaim, oooh no, you're going to be so hot and miserable.

Ok first of all, yes I am aware that July will likely be hot.  I have lived in Michigan all my life, I have experienced almost 34 hot Michigan summers and at the very least it will be in the upper 70's, at the worst it will be over 100, I know this but thanks for telling me.

Second, this is the year 2013 people.  My office is air conditioned, my car is air conditioned and my house is air conditioned.  All I have to do is manage to waddle my fat ass from one 70 degree building to the next.  It's not like I have to till the fields under the blazing sun all day.

Registry- 19 wks 2 days

Ryan and I went to Buy Buy Baby today and got about 90% of our registry done.  It was fun, but man am I tired.  I think we were there for about 3 or 4 hours and my feet were screaming when we were done.  I got overwhelemed a few times, like at the video monitor section.  It didn't help that the other couple that was registering right around us was looking at the monitors too; I can't concentrate when there are other people right there.

I would have been fine with a regular audio one, I mean, we don't live in a mansion.  But before we even went today, I knew Ryan would want to go video, so I accepted that going into it.  There are some perks though, a few people have said they are nice because you can look to see if baby is awake and needs you, or if they are just making noise but ok. So we passed on it in the store and once I got home we looked online and found one that got great reviews.  Plus, it was almost $100 cheaper than some of the ones we were looking at.

I got overwhelemed again in bedding....it's the one part of the store that seems disorganized and messy.  But we did see a crib with a nice light pink sheet with a design, so we scanned the sign with the 5 piece set, but I was annoyed that the crib didn't actually have the whole set displayed.  Normally I don't like sales people, but we came across one and she was actually helpful and showed us the set on the shelf.  It's really cute, and while it's not a theme per se, the mobile does have butterflies which is beyond perfect because I was thinking about butterflies, and it has some very nice wall decals and a lamp...not in the set, but just additonal pieces.  I also love that the bumper that goes with the set is a mesh one.  I am so sick of seeing these sets that comes with the billowy bumper that isn't safe.

So then we moved on to the gliders...not because we needed to pick one out since we already added one to our Amazon registry, but because we were freaking tired and needed to rest.  Ryan and I both fell in love with this nice upholstered glider.  It was beautiful, it was all gray with pink piping which would have gone perfectly in the room.....except, it's obviously gender specific, and finally, with the ottoman is was around $1000.  Um yeah, that is about $400 more than our entire room full of furniture we have picked out.

So my final freak out was in the travel systems, but that went very well.  We checked out the first Graco we came to.  It was pretty light weight, it folded easily and the car seat clicked in and out easily and it was a nice gender nuetral color.  A sales lady came by and helped us find the one in the box so we could scan it, and she just happaned to be carrying an 8 pound doll, so she put it in the carrier for me to feel how heavy it was with just an average size newborn.  Holy hell, I really need to start hitting the weights more, that was freaking heavy, and that's just the beginning.

One of these weeks my best firend is going to go back with me and we'll add a few more things that I need her help with.  I am so lost on bottles, I know I should get a couple of different kinds, but they all just overwhelm me.  I am also lost about pacifiers.  I really don't want a kid that is addicted to them; it's not a habit I want to break later, but I know they really help some babies and they don't get super attached to them, so I wonder if we should have some just in case.  And if so, I have no idea which ones to get.

I am glad we got a lot done though, and next weekend we plan on going to Lowe's to get paint, drywall for the closet and the closet doors, and hopefully once we have the supplies, Ryan will get started in the room.  We went a little crazy registering for clothes.  I had wanted to just put on a few special outfits that we liked, because I know most people will buy at least an outfit or two, especially since it's a girl.  People love to buy little girl clothes, but Ryan went nuts, he was so cute scanning all these little girl outfits.  Although he really needed to slow down, later I had to go through and delete a bunch because he wasn't bothering to look at sizes.  He had 18 months which is fine, but we need to consider what the weather will be like at 18 months, and he even had some 3T's on there, lol.

In other news, I busted out of my winter coat for the second time in a week today.  The first time it happened on the way in to work, and today I was at the cemetery with my dad, and bam the zipper just broke open.  Wow, and I'm not even that big yet.  I fixed it, but I am sure it will happen again.  Thank God next month is April and we're almost out of winter.  I do not want to spend money on a new coat right now, so I'll just make do.