We said goodbye to our angel yesterday. The viewing started at 11, Ryan and I went in first and I immediately burst into tears when I saw her. Though I have to say, as beautiful of a job as they did, she of course looked different and I think that made it just a little bit easier. If she looked like my gorgeous girl I held just minutes after she was born I probably would have broken into a million pieces. Instead she looked just like a little porceline doll.
Amanda had bought her a little preemie outfit to be buried in. It was of course too big but the funeral home did a good job of pinning it so it fit better. The funeral home provided a little teddy bear in the foot of the casket. We put in one of her ultrasound pictures and little U of M booties, they were the first thing I ever bought for her. My brother also put in a picture of him and I with our mom when we were little.
People started coming in not long after; we had a lot of friends and family come to support us. Im glad it was only two hours because near the end I just felt drained and exhausted. At the end our friend Dan said a few words that were very touching and comforting.
Then we had our final moments with her. We said our goodbyes and I told her how much I love her. The funeral director came in to prepare the casket so we asked if we could stay. He needed to arrange everything so he said we could hold her while he did that so I held her and Ryan took one last picture and then he held her. When we were all done, Ryan carried the casket out to the front seat of the hearse. I was so glad he got to do that, I know it was such a huge honor for him.
So then we processed out to the cemetary and my dad carried her from the car to the spot under the tent where Dan said another prayer and then we watched her be buried. It was hard, but I think it was good closure for us.
My dad had a beautiful arrangement made that was behind the casket at the funeral home and then was placed on top of her grave. It was a pretty flower arrangement with a beautiful angel girl statue in the middle. We went to the cemetary today to get the angel so we can make some sort of garden design around it in our backyard. We also left each of our footprints in the dirt and wrote "We love you".
So after the burial everyone came back to our house for a luncheon. Thank God it was a beautiful day and warm enough that people could roam out on the deck and backyard too because otherwise it would have been a very crowded house. Everyone brought really great food and it was nice to talk and just be with everyone. Amanda brought her boys over for that part and I loved them being there. The youngest one, Nolan, is my Godson. He kept coming over to me and putting his arms up so Id pick him up and put him on my lap. Then hed open his mouth for some food and Id give him little bites of my lunch. Then hed go from person to person with his mouth open begging for food like a baby bird. So freaking adorable.
So now that everything is done I dont know what to do now. Im no stranger to grief; I lost my mom when I was 25, a childhood friend died when we were in the first grade, I lost my grandparents whom I adored within weeks of each other last summer. But this is a completely different kind of grief. I have no memories of her to cherish aside from the last few weeks of kicks and the hours I held her after she was already gone. By the way I can still feel the kicks. I dont know if they are phantom sensations or random muscle spasms but thanks body, thats a real nice mindfuck since I already forget sometimes that I am not pregnant anymore.
I dont like thinking of times when I was pregnant because it hurts too much and I so desperately still want to be pregnant with her. I can feel the desire to try again soon in the future but that makes me feel guilty as though we'd be replacing her. But on the flip side, I know I will love our future baby, but right now I dont want to be pregnant with any other baby, I just want her.
I also have no idea how Im going to be pregnant again without freaking out and wanting to run to the hospital everytime I feel anything that scares me. I will of course use it again, but our doppler won't even offer the same reassurance that it did for us this time, given the fact that her heartbeat was perfect and strong the night before and she was kicking just half an hour before she was born. I'm angry that we won't get to enjoy being pregnant next time. I mean, of course I will have moments where I am happy and feel good, but I would imagine any pgal brain I experienced this time will be multiplied by about 100 next time. I don't want to do the big happy annoucement next time, or put anything on facebook until our LO is here and safe in our arms. I'll tell my boss probably pretty early next time so he knows whats going on and since I'll likely have a lot of appointments, but everyone at work will just find out when it becomes obvious that I am showing.
Any time I got scared and worried about anything bad happening, I told myself thousands of women give birth to healthy full term babies everyday so why shouldn't I be one of them, but then I turned out not to be. My husband mentioned his cousin today, who is due any day now in fact. We all had a huge falling out around our wedding and haven't spoken since. Don't get me wrong, I would never ever ever wish this kind of pain on anyone, but why does she gets to have her dream come true? She's a selfish, bratty, immature person, why does she get what she wants and we don't? We were on our way home from my inlaws tonight when he brought it up and I immediately started crying; I'm just so angry. I stupidly looked on the baby gallery today and saw that 8 other babies were born the same day as Kayla....one of them even at the exact time as her. Why were all those woman so lucky? Of course I know, they may have a history of heartache as well. Who knows, maybe all of them finally got their rainbow babies after too much heartache, but of course that's the irrational side of me coming out, being angry at perfect strangers because tragedy did not strike them, at least not this time.
I've basically stopped bleeding....it's very light now and at some points through out the day there hasn't been anything...and THAT makes me sad. Figure that one out. You'd think the bleeding and cramping would just be an awful reminder of what happaned, but for whatever goddamn reason the end of it makes me sad.
Some moments I am so full of hope its ridiculous. I am hopeful because even if my body doesn't somehow magically reset itself, I don't have to wait to go back to my RE, I can pretty much go back as soon as I am physically cleared to try again. I didn't need fertility meds last time, so hopefully just getting back on the 1500 mg of metformin will make me ovulate. I am also really pumped to start at the gym on Monday. My husband has been going pretty relgiously with his friend lately, his arms are getting huge and I have really noticed a slim down in his midsection, so I have a lot of faith that it will be easier to stick to going to the gym since they go almost everyday. Plus, thankfully I have the next 5 weeks off from work...I am sure there will come a time very quickly where I will be bored out of my mind and actually want to go to the gym. So I am very hopeful that I can lose a lot of weight so my body will just work on its own. I only gained 4 pounds with the pregnancy and I weighed myself yesterday and I am back to my pre-baby weight.
It also gives me hope that the two times we knew for sure I was ovulating and we tried, I got pregnant, so I am hoping it happens like that again. But at the other end of all that hope is the anger and fear again. Fear of actually getting pregnant again, angry that I cannot be as excited and scream any good news from the rooftops. I also fear that it will be difficult to bond with another pregnancy....but I think the fact that I feel that way means I am obviously not ready to try right now, which of course isn't even an option. Hopefully once we are, that fear won't be a factor.
There's so much here that I can relate to--including being sad that the bleeding has stopped. I feel like it means my body has already moved on, but I haven't yet. But double-edged sword, right? Because it also means that we can maybe try again sooner? A huge mix of strange emotions. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI can relate to so much of this post. I remember being madder than hell when I stopped bleeding a week and a half after delivery. It doesn't make any sense, but neither does having to go through the heartache that you have.
ReplyDeleteI know it's been said, but take it a day at a time. If you need to be mad, be mad. Sad, oddly happy, numb. Whatever it takes to get through the day, the hour, the minute.
I think Kayla's service sounds beautiful. The picture of you holding her little hand is also beautiful and heartbreaking. HUGS!