Kayla's Birth Story

It is 4:30 am and not a sleepy eye in sight.  I fear I will not get a wink of sleep until I get my thoughts down, or at least start them.

Saturday March 23rd started as an exciting day.  I went to my MIL's to discuss baby shower plans with my family and friends.  We had fun, made great plans about the shower I was so looking forward to, talked about baby Kayla and had good food.  I gave my dad's girlfriend a picture frame with her ultrasound picture in it, and the frame was engraved with "I love my grammy".

But truthfully, my mother's instinct had already set in, I just didn't quite know it yet.  I had been cramping for a few days by then.  On the one hand I wasn't so worried, I started out my pregnancy with a solid 3-4 weeks of menstrual-like cramps and was told it was completely normal, just uterine stretching.  Around 8 weeks they went from constant and everyday to just now and again, I often went weeks without feeling them, so at first I was annoyed they were back, but not concerned.

I started to get concerned when they were still there by day two.  Since I only started getting them occasionally, they usually only lasted a few hours, but definitely less than a day.  I told myself I needed water.  I had barely drank anything close to my needed amount of water the day before, and my doctor said dehydration can cause the cramping as well, so the next day I drank and drank and drank until I couldn't drink anymore, but the cramps remained.

I also noticed my discharge had increased, and was different....now snot-like.  I googled and found enough women saying their discharge increased around 22ish weeks so I was satisfied with that.  My cramping persisted and even was bothering me more through out the day on Saturday.  In early evening I took a nap as I had done all week long as though first tri fatigue had found me again.  That night Ryan and I watched a movie and ordered dinner.  I got full very quickly but suspected the cramps were making me feel more full, so I laid down but the cramping was only getting worse.  I decided to google "preterm labor" and was very scared with the findings.  I guess I had always thought contractions would be sharp jabbing pains, but when I read that it often started as menstrual type cramps, I freaked.  I called the on-call doctor which thankfully turned out to be my own doctor and she said for me to come in and get it checked out.

Ryan dropped me off at emergency and thankfully joined me after parking the car before they took me back and we were quickly escorted to OB triage.  I gave a urine sample, changed into the gown and the nurse came in.  She explained that they wouldn't hook me up to fetal monitoring since I wasn't at or passed 24 weeks, but she used a heavy duty doppler and found the beautiful strong heartbeat and explained to me that the cramping could just be from stretching, especially since I had never made it this far before and my uterus had a lot of stretching to do.

As a precaution though, the resident would be coming in to check my cervix.  I remember not even being very scared on the way to the hospital.  The cramping was coming ever three to four minutes but at that point, while uncomfortable, the warm dull ache in my lower abdomen wasn't that painful and I was certain that if I was in preterm labor, they could give me something to stop it, I'd maybe be held for observation and then be on our way home.  I was also put at ease by the very nice nurse who found the strong heartbeat and guessed stretching as the cause.

Before the resident came in, the nurse told me there was blood in my urine, so likely a bladder infection.  I had a symptom-less bladder infection in early first tri so I figured it was likely I had another one.  The resident then came in and gave me a very painful exam that start our nightmare.  I was dialated four centimeters and she could see the water bag right at my cervix.  Further testing of the cultures confirmed that some of the discharge I was experiencing was in fact due to a small leak in the bag.  So my water had not yet broken, but it was leaking.

The resident explained that at this point (22 weeks 1 day) if I were to deliver the baby would not survive.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing and immediately began crying.  My husband was still holding my hand from the painful exam and we both just sat there, trying to understand what we just heard.  I asked if it was possible she could stay in, or they could stop the labor for at least two more weeks when we would reach viability, so if I did deliver she would have at least a chance, but she explained the chance of that was very low and chance of miscarriage was very high.

She said I would be admitted for at least the night and if I was still pregnant on Monday I would have some other test done, but honestly I didn't hear a word she said after that.  A few minutes later they wheeled me to our labor and delivery room.  My husband text his mom and within half an hour she, my FIL and our niece was there.  By this time it was about 1am, so they sat with us for a little bit and then went to try to sleep in a waiting room to give us some privacy.  The next several hours proved to be the longest night of my life.

My husband was able to fall asleep on the dad couch, but between the beeping of my IV machine and the cramps/contractions I don't think I slept more than 15 minutes the whole night.  Around 3am the intensified dull ache cramps changed to sharper pains that were higher up on my uterus.  These were much harder to take, I got some relief if I rolled on either side, but each time I changed positions I was in pain and uncomfortable again within a couple minutes.  The contractions were lasting about 20 seconds and were every 2-3 minutes so I was in a lot of pain as the night progressed.

I just kept going over it in my head, thinking she just has to stay in...maybe the cramps would lessen, labor would stop and bed rest would buy us another two weeks until viability.  I thought of my three spotting episodes, how each time I was certain we were losing her but we pulled through and everything was fine, so this just had to have the same outcome.  But as the pain got worse, my confidence that she could stay put for two more weeks lessened and lessened.  Around 4am another resident came in to do another exam but said I was still dilated 3-4 centimeters, so I took that as another good sign but my hope was crushed when Ryan woke up around 8, checked on me and found that my leakage was now also mixed with blood.

Around then a new, wonderful nurse came in that was very comforting and nice.  She gave me the option of some pain meds and said if my body could calm down maybe it would stop laboring on its own and we could buy some time.  I think my hope built up and crashed dozens of times in that 12 hours.  The resident came in to say my doctor was on her way, but said if the pain was really that bad an epidural might be better and then we could consult with my doctor on what to do.  She then did an exam and said she could not even see the cervix now, which was a bad sign....the anesthesiologist came in to administer the epidural.  I was told the poke would hurt and then burn for 10 seconds but other than that the epidural wouldn't hurt.  I sat up on the side of the bed, the nurse held me and kept encouraging me to relax my body, which was very hard to do because I was so scared, I was now contracting every 30 seconds or so and the anesthesiologists hands were ice cold.  The poke and burn hurt a lot, but thankfully it was quick.  But then I kept getting shooting pains down each side of my body and through my hips, but as she made adjustments and asking which sides the pain was on, it finally went away.

For a few minutes I could still feel the contractions but they went from a 10 on the pain scale to a 2 or 3 until finally I couldn't feel them anymore.  But now that my physical pain was gone, I could focus on my emotional pain.  My doctor got there shortly after and talked with us, then she let my inlaws in so they could understand what was going on.  Despite not feeling all that cold, I started shaking uncontrollably which my doctor said was a sign I would deliver soon.  I asked if there was any way they could try to save her but she said it just wasn't possible.  My MIL was crying and trying to understand why two weeks could make such a huge difference.

My doctor explained that the baby would grow a significant amount in that two weeks, and at this point would be too small to even be able to work on her to try to save her.  She explained to us all that her hope was that she could deliver the baby and placenta all at once in the intact bag as it would be the easiest on me.  If the bag ruptures, it would be a lot harder to get the placenta.  While she was talked to us, I felt a gush, she asked our family to step out so she could check me, and confirmed that the bag had indeed just ruptured and I was ready to deliver right then.  I couldn't grasp what was happening, just 20 hours earlier we were planning my baby shower, and now I was preparing to deliver at 22 weeks and say goodbye to our little girl.

She let our family back in one last time before we started, my MIL was a mess, she hugged me and we both sobbed.  She told me how strong and brave I was, which meant soooo much to me, but I didn't feel it.  I wasn't being brave, I just had no other choice.  I was so devastated, especially knowing that there was likely nothing at all wrong with our sweet baby, but my body was failing her.  Just half an hour before I delivered I could feel her kicking.  As her mother I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn't do it.  I can't say whether or not it would have made it better, but in my mind, then and now it hurt so much to know there was nothing wrong with her.  Her passing wasn't for the best, it wasn't saving her any suffering, there was nothing wrong with her, it was all me.  If we could have just given her a safe place to grow, we would have gotten to take her home in July.  The guilt for not being able to protect my sweet baby is crushing.

My dad was out of town for the weekend, 4 hours away at his place up north.  Despite worrying I would do nothing but cry, I had intended to call him to let him know what was happening but things progressed too quickly so my MIL promised to call him.  But she then said she would call his girlfriend first, and then Brenda could call him as it would be easier for him to hear the news from her.  I was terrified of him driving the four hours home, upset and worried.  My brother also happened to be out of town, but since he was coming home that day anyway, we decided to wait until he was home to tell him so I wouldn't have to worry about two people driving upset.

Immediately my doctor prepared for delivery, broke down the bed and we began.  The nurse held my left leg, Ryan held my right and she told me when to start pushing.  I was thankful to be numb and not feel anything, but it was hard to even know if I was in fact pushing, or if I was doing it hard enough but my doctor encouraged me and said I was doing great.  The baby was breech, so it was a little harder than it would have otherwise been, but all in all the delivery took less than 10 minutes.  Mercifully, we heard nothing when she came out, and the nurse delcared quickly that there were no signs of life as Ryan and I both feared we would hear her cry or gasp and then know our angel had to suffer for any length of time until she passed.  The nurse gave us a quick peek, and then took her off to the side to clean her up and dress her.

Our precious Kayla Kathryn was born sleeping on March 24th 2013 at 10:11 am, weighing just 1 pound 1.6 ounces and measured 11.5 inches long.

Since her original plan of delivering the bag intact did not work, my doctor immediately attempted to get the placenta but could not, so they inserted some tablets which they hoped would help me deliver it on my own, but if not I would need to have a D&C to remove it.  Once the nurses were finished, they brought Kayla to me.  She was dressed in a tiny gown that volunteers make and wrapped in a pink fleece blanket.  She was bruised, but otherwise so beautiful and perfect.  I couldn't believe how tiny she was, and how amazingly perfect all of her features were, just like a full term baby only super miniature size.  Her little fingers were no bigger than the stick part of a Qtip, her nose and mouth were so tiny I can't even think of anything to compare them to and her little ears were just as detailed and complete as could be, just very very tiny.  Her little fingernails were the same size that the dot of a fine point marker would make.

 I held her and Ryan held me and I just sobbed for what felt like forever. As hard as it all was, I have to say as a mother I feel very lucky and blessed that I got to give birth to her and hold her.  I know many in our situation do not get to experience that and have that closure.  Once we felt we had enough alone time with her for the time being my best friend and my dad's girlfriend came in.  They came in sobbing and Brenda, my dad's girlfriend was very upset when she saw her.  I gave her to her to hold and she just cried and cried, saying her name over and over.  She said she prayed for her so hard from the minute she got the phone call.  Amanda said she prayed for us the night before but she didn't know anything was wrong at that point.  She said she didn't know why, but she just felt compelled to pray for us.

Once the nurse told me there was no limit to how many people we had in at once, we asked my MIL, FIL and niece to come in as well.  There were lots and lots of tears, pretty much everytime someone new came I started crying all over again.  My aunt came, my husband's best friend, and my dad got there a few hours later, and my brother and his girlfriend later in the evening.  I was very nervous for how my dad would react, but he was amazing...he needed a little bit of time before he was ready to hold her, but he was his usual strong self.  At some point something was said about her name, but my dad said he was changing it to beautiful :)  He said she had my nose, which I would have to agree.  Actually I thought her nose, lips and chin were mine....it was hard to say about the rest of her face since her head and eye area were pretty bruised and of course her eyes were closed.

We ended up having to tell my brother while he was still on the road because his girlfriend text me and said he was panicing a little bit and wanted to see if I was ok.  I knew if we kept calling him asking if he was home yet, he would catch on that something was up.  I decided it was better to tell him then let him keep wondering and possibly being worried that it was something even worse, like I wasn't ok or something.  When he got there, he looked pretty freaked out.  I was amazed how well he did, he is a pretty sensitive guy and I am his baby sister and I know how excited he was to be an uncle so I know it was hard on him.  He had to step out of the room at one point so I could be checked out and I later found out he was crying in the hallway and a nurse came by and offered them an empty room to chill out in for a bit so he didn't have to cry in the hallway.  That broke my heart to hear.

So our family and friends surrounded us all day and they were so amazing.  Everyone kept volunteering to do things for us, my aunt called my boss, Ryan's best friend went to our house and collected any baby stuff, put it in the nursery and shut the door so we wouldn't have to see it when we got home.  My inlaws went to our house later and got some of our stuff for us....oddly enough I had just packed my hospital bag a few days before because I am a crazy planner and wanted to have it done in plenty of time.  Turns out, it wasn't early at all.  So they were able to just grab that and we gave them a list of a few other things we needed.

Around 2pm the resident that assisted my doctor with the delivery came in to check and see if I would be able to deliver the placenta.  The original plan was if I could, I could try to push it out, but since she could feel it right there and worried about me not being able to push it out whole, she decided to pull it out herself.  My epidural had mostly worn off by then and it was by far one of if not the most painful thing of my entire life.  But luckily it only took about a minute or two and she was able to get it out whole, so I would not need a D&C.  Despite the pain, I was very happy about that.  I was not looking forward to being put under, I didn't want to be away from Kayla for that long since we had precious few hours with her to begin with.  I was also happy to be able to eat, since I wasn't allowed to until they knew for sure I wouldn't need the D&C.  I hadn't eaten since dinner before we came to the hospital, so by the time I got to eat dinner it had been almost 20 hours since I had eaten last.  Of course being excited about being able to eat made me feel guilty...my beautiful girl was gone and I was worried about stuffing my face.

Once the epidural had completely worn off I was allowed to get up and shower.  The shower wasn't great since I had to keep my IV arm from getting wet, but it felt great to get into bed with clean sheets, showered and in a fresh gown.  When I came out of the bathroom my FIL was holding Kayla and for a very split second, I forgot everything wasn't ok and I thought he was holding his new perfectly healthy granddaughter, and my heart broke all over again when  I realized.  Our last visitors for the day left around 9, and that's when reality set in again.  When people were with us we were able to ease our minds, and sometimes even smile and laugh, but once it was just us I cried and cried.  We fell asleep pretty early since I hadn't really slept in 36 hours.  Despite being woken up by the beeping IV and getting my blood pressure and temperature checked every two hours, I slept well until my 6am check and then I couldn't get back to sleep.  My husband was still sleeping and he had been so strong for me all day so I knew he desperately needed sleep.

Kayla had spent the night in the crib next to my bed, it was still dark out so I sat up in bed, got her out of the crib and held her and sobbed.  It was a bittersweet moment, it hurt so much but it will be a moment I will cherish forever, just me and her in the early hours of the morning.

Later in the day my best friend came up and my dad and his girlfriend, and the hospital clergywoman came to say a blessing which was kind of the equivalent of baptizing her.  Her words were really beautiful and made us all cry.  While my dad was there he went over the information he got from the funeral home and we made our final arrangement decisions for her.  We're having a small, private service on Friday at the funeral home and then a short graveside service at the cemetery and then we're having family and friends back to our house for a luncheon.

We were really torn on which cemetery.  There is one right by our house, but then there is the cemetery where my mom, grandma, and grandpa are at.  We would have loved to have had her there, but it's been almost 9 years since I lost my mom so the feeling that she "is there" had faded, so I wouldn't really have that comfort that Kayla is there with her per se.  Basically it all came down to the fact that having her close by at the cemetery just 5 minutes away was the most important thing to us.  It is not anywhere near as nice of a cemetery as the one my mom is in, but the idea of her being 40 minutes away, and needing basically 2 hours to go see her seems horrible.  We are both very happy with our decision to have her close by.

So about an hour later the nurse came in and said the funeral home was there to pick her up so everyone gave us some time and Ryan and I said our goodbyes.  Ryan sat on the bed with me and we held her and sobbed again....then the nurse came in to take her.  Giving her to the nurse and seeing her take her away was seriously the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and Ryan and I just held each other for the longest time.  About an hour later I was cleared to go home.  Ryan went to get the car and I waited for an aid to wheel me out.  Leaving the hospital empty handed was horrible, I could feel people watching me as I was wheeled to the elevator.  I didn't know it at the time, but my room door had an angel sign on it so anyone entering would know the situation.

We were glad to get home, and sleeping in our own bed, and being able to sleep with my husband was nice rather than having him on the sleeper sofa across the room.  Today was a lot of ups and downs....I cry when I am not expecting it, and I'm ok when I would think I'd break down.  A part of me keeps forgetting that I am not pregnant anymore.  I am bleeding and cramping and I am so used to this feeling freaking me out, I go through several panicked moments a day when I get a cramp, or remember I am bleeding, thinking for a split second that I am still pregnant and it means my baby isn't ok.  But when I remember what happaned, it is one of the very few consolations when I realize I no longer have to worry about her.

Our family and friends have been so amazing, giving so much love and support.  In fact we are completely in awe over how much love we've received from doctors and nurses to random people we end up telling because I burst into tears.  The ladies on the bump have been so supportive and wonderful as well, and it's just so heartwarming to see how compassionate and supportive people can be who have never even met us.  My husband has also been so strong and caring, he has been my rock and I have no idea how I would have gotten through this without him.  In the end this has been the most painful yet wonderful experience of my entire life.  I want nothing more for my baby to still be resting safely inside me so we could have taken her home and cherished her everyday in July, but that didn't happen and it doesn't change the fact that she is our precious daugher, we are her mommy and daddy and I am so unbelievably in love with her.  I both look forward and dread Friday, to see her again and say our final goodbyes, but I am comforted to know she is resting peacefully in the arms of my mother in Heaven.

I will love you forever Kayla Kathryn and I will see you again one day.