This is your warning, stop reading if you are not caught up with This is Us.
Man, this last episode was a tear-jerker. The first season of this show, I love love loved it. Loved it! But last season, blah! I almost stopped watching. Maybe because it focused a lot on Kate. I really can't stand Kate. But anyway, save for a couple episodes/scenes, this season was much more on par with how I view this show and this final episode last week knocked it out of the park.
One of my complaints was that the show missed a huge opportunity to deal with losing a child. That's not to say they were obligated to, but they do like to take on tough subjects and the show is literally built around the fact that Rebecca and Jack had triplets, lost one but gained another to continue "The Big Three" and it really bugged me that they completely skipped over any grieving, any struggles, and even any mention of the baby they lost. It's like welp, he's gone....oh hey, there is a baby available, let's just take that one! And I just have to add, I am not sure that would have ever happened in real life.
The woman just carried 3 babies, which is no small feat....gave birth and is now expected to go home and parent their other two babies which is so hard even to parent a newborn, let alone two after experiencing a loss....who in their right mind would say yes, this is an excellent time to adopt another baby without giving it more than 5 minutes of thought while you're under a huge amount of stress. While it did make for a great show, I'm not sure how realistic it is....but then again they did do some crazy shit in the 70's....or was it early 80's? I'm not sure, I think the big three are supposed to be a year or two younger than me, which would make it 80 or 81.
But, I absolutely loved how they brought that into this episode and how they explained it. Upon watching it, it does now make perfect sense why they never mentioned it. They didn't know how, so they shoved it away and didn't talk about it. I found out I was pregnant with Emily on July 4th, 2013. I had over 3 months to grieve for Kayla and to think ONLY of Kayla before Emily even existed. I gave birth to Emily 5 days shy of the one year anniversary of losing Kayla. Despite loving your children while in the womb, there really is no comparison to how much you'll love them once they're here. You just have no idea. So I had almost an entire year to think of Kayla, and process my feelings before my heart really needed to make a lot more room for Emily when she was born.
They had about 5 minutes to process the fact that they lost one of their children before their other two, and then a new third child needed them. I can relate having lost a baby, but I cannot relate to the fucked up conundrum of feelings of joy with your living children all at the same time as the pain of losing your other child. So the way they brought Kyle into this last episode and the feelings they described absolutely made up for all these seasons of never mentioning him. Well done writers! Also on a side note, while I will agree Kevin is no slouch to look at, I reaaaalllly like the scenes of older Kevin. Wow!
I also couldn't help but notice that this episode aired last week ON Kayla's 7th birthday. What a coincidence. I was a mess watching it, but I had a good cry.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Day 13-Happy Birthday Kayla!
Yesterday was Kayla's 7th heavenly birthday. Surprisingly it was one of the easier anniversaries. Of course, as the years go on, they get a little easier, but I thought with all the anxiety and uncertainty lately, this one might be a little harder.
Ryan came over again after work yesterday...the plan was to grab dinner and have a picnic at the cemetery, but it was a little too chilly, so he brought dinner over and we ate first. The second set of balloons I had ordered for Emily's birthday arrived Monday, and I had a very small amount of helium left in a tank. We just barely got 3 filled up before it crapped out. So after dinner, we went to the cemetery and released the balloons.
It was nice because it was a bit cloudy, but there was a big break in the clouds right where the sun was shining through, and that's where the balloons flew when we let go of them. It really did look like they were flying to heaven. Spring clean up was just a few weeks ago, so there was nothing on her grave. I also didn't have anything to leave this time...I felt bad, it looks so cold and lonely without a garden spinner or some sort of decoration. I felt bad about not bringing my baby anything, but I figured an extra, unnecessary trip to the store was not warranted. I'll give myself a pass since we're in a pandemic. Once this is over, I will go buy out the whole dollar store and she'll have the most decorated grave there.
Today was beautiful and tomorrow is supposed to be even warmer, so if we can avoid the rain, Em and I will take our lunch there and have a picnic. Parks are technically closed so people don't use the playground equipment, but if there were no other options I would still go for a picnic. I see no reason to not go to the park for a picnic or for a walk...but the cemetery will work too, and then Em doesn't have to have the fun playground equipment in sight that she cannot play on.
We might get rain Friday too but if not, we're going to go with my dad to Henry Ford's mansion and walk around the grounds. It's really beautiful and there is a river that runs through behind it and there's a waterfall...Em will love it. She went once when she was like two, but I doubt she remembers it. Finger's crossed for no rain!
We took a walk today...walks are interesting now. You don't get to choose which way you're going, you chose based on where there aren't other people walking, lol. But our neighborhood is great for walks...we have lots of winding streets that intersect and curve, so you almost always have the option of multiple paths you can take. When we got home, we played with sidewalk chalk on our front walk. I used some and wrote "Have a nice day" on our porch steps....I figure maybe that will brighten moods for any mailmen or delivery people that come to my door.
It's so odd how I know a disproportionate number of people with birthdays in March, but even more so it seems like so many people were either born on the 19th (Emily's) or the 24th (Kayla's). So on the 19th, there is also my next-door neighbor, Emily's friend's little sister, and my cousin's son...and incidentally my cousin and I also share a birthday, lol. I feel like there is one more I am forgetting, but maybe not. On the 24th, there is Kayla, my nephew, a client at work, my boss's daughter, and my other boss's son. That's just crazy to me....there are 6 people in my department, and three of us all have kids born on the same day.
Emily's original due date was March 22nd, so had I not been induced, she could have very well come on the 24th. That would have been crazy if my inlaws had 3 out of 8 grandkids born on the same day. It's like those two days have some sort of weird gravitational pull to make a lot of people born on those days.
Here are Kayla's balloons to Heaven...
Ryan came over again after work yesterday...the plan was to grab dinner and have a picnic at the cemetery, but it was a little too chilly, so he brought dinner over and we ate first. The second set of balloons I had ordered for Emily's birthday arrived Monday, and I had a very small amount of helium left in a tank. We just barely got 3 filled up before it crapped out. So after dinner, we went to the cemetery and released the balloons.
It was nice because it was a bit cloudy, but there was a big break in the clouds right where the sun was shining through, and that's where the balloons flew when we let go of them. It really did look like they were flying to heaven. Spring clean up was just a few weeks ago, so there was nothing on her grave. I also didn't have anything to leave this time...I felt bad, it looks so cold and lonely without a garden spinner or some sort of decoration. I felt bad about not bringing my baby anything, but I figured an extra, unnecessary trip to the store was not warranted. I'll give myself a pass since we're in a pandemic. Once this is over, I will go buy out the whole dollar store and she'll have the most decorated grave there.
Today was beautiful and tomorrow is supposed to be even warmer, so if we can avoid the rain, Em and I will take our lunch there and have a picnic. Parks are technically closed so people don't use the playground equipment, but if there were no other options I would still go for a picnic. I see no reason to not go to the park for a picnic or for a walk...but the cemetery will work too, and then Em doesn't have to have the fun playground equipment in sight that she cannot play on.
We might get rain Friday too but if not, we're going to go with my dad to Henry Ford's mansion and walk around the grounds. It's really beautiful and there is a river that runs through behind it and there's a waterfall...Em will love it. She went once when she was like two, but I doubt she remembers it. Finger's crossed for no rain!
We took a walk today...walks are interesting now. You don't get to choose which way you're going, you chose based on where there aren't other people walking, lol. But our neighborhood is great for walks...we have lots of winding streets that intersect and curve, so you almost always have the option of multiple paths you can take. When we got home, we played with sidewalk chalk on our front walk. I used some and wrote "Have a nice day" on our porch steps....I figure maybe that will brighten moods for any mailmen or delivery people that come to my door.
It's so odd how I know a disproportionate number of people with birthdays in March, but even more so it seems like so many people were either born on the 19th (Emily's) or the 24th (Kayla's). So on the 19th, there is also my next-door neighbor, Emily's friend's little sister, and my cousin's son...and incidentally my cousin and I also share a birthday, lol. I feel like there is one more I am forgetting, but maybe not. On the 24th, there is Kayla, my nephew, a client at work, my boss's daughter, and my other boss's son. That's just crazy to me....there are 6 people in my department, and three of us all have kids born on the same day.
Emily's original due date was March 22nd, so had I not been induced, she could have very well come on the 24th. That would have been crazy if my inlaws had 3 out of 8 grandkids born on the same day. It's like those two days have some sort of weird gravitational pull to make a lot of people born on those days.
Here are Kayla's balloons to Heaven...
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Day 9-Happy Birthday sweet girl!
So Thursday was Emily's birthday. Six years old already, I don't know where the time has gone. Just yesterday I was holding my little baby in the hospital, trying to calm her as she screamed bloody murder if she was anywhere but in my arms.
So that morning she woke up to streamers covering her bedroom doorway like a curtain. Not actually streamers....I got it off Pinterest. You take 3 colored plastic table cloths, hang them up on the doorway and then cut them into strips almost to the top. Then you brain the top foot or so, and let them hang. I usually fill her room with balloons the night before, but I thought I would try something different this year.
She liked it, but I think she prefers the balloons, lol. I also hung up signs all over the house with Minnie and Mickey on them, and the first one said "I have loved you for six years...", and then she had to find the next sign saying how many months, then weeks, days, etc....it was also kind of a little reading exercise since she needed to find the correct sign with the next measurement of time.
I also hung up the Minnie and Daisy Happy Birthday banner that we bought for last year. So the day was pretty laid back...without being able to go anywhere, we just hung around at home. The previous day, in addition to working my usual day, I also worked two hours that night, and then I worked two hours Thursday night as well so I wouldn't have my full load of work during the day so I could spend more time with her. So I worked in the morning and I got done around 12:30. We had a little cleaning to do, and then we played Life. She loves that game...I hate it. It's such a pain to set up and she doesn't understand the ins and outs of it, so it's even more of a pain to set up considering how much she actually gets out of it.
But she loves when her game piece gets married and has kids. So that was my gift to her, we played Life on her birthday. I stupidly played it on the floor, and then I could barely walk after a while of getting on the floor. It reminds me of when we went to Disney World. We went to see this Disney Jr. live show. It was on stage but it was just floor seating. The show was about 30-45 minutes long. Ryan went to stand in the back because he wasn't even going to attempt sitting on the floor. Now, there were surely younger parents at Disney, but being in our mid-thirties, we were definitely in good company of other parents in their 30's and 40's with small kids. When the show ended, you could hear all the parents groaning and grunting as they stood up, lol. My feet were so asleep I could barely walk.
So that day after Ryan got home from work, he picked up dinner at Olga's and a small cake and he came over and we had dinner. Em blew out the candles on her cake and then she opened her presents which was the Nintendo Switch and Super Mario Deluxe U. Her reaction wasn't as amazing as I expected, but once we set it up and started playing, she was squealing with delight and jumping around. We definitely knocked it out of the park with that gift. She played a lot that night and has been playing a lot every day since. I played it some too, it's fun. I just we could use the Wii controllers, I'm having a hard time getting used to these.
So today we had her "party" which just consisted of her and me and my dad, stepmom, and stepsister. But I am thankful they could at least make it, and she seemed to have a lot of fun. I ordered balloons last weekend to pick up at Party City this weekend, but the store has since closed. So then I went online and ordered some....I still have a smidge of helium left in a tank, so I figured I could at least blow up a couple to float, and then hang the rest. Before I ordered them, it said the estimated delivery was Friday. By the next day, they estimated Saturday. I thought oh crap, I hope they get here before 2pm. Then by Thursday, it says estimated delivery is Tuesday. Ugh,
So I currently have two orders of balloons and had no balloons for her party. But my dad to the rescue, he stopped at the dollar store and picked up a couple so she at least had something. If they do indeed get them by Tuesday, we can use them for Kayla's I suppose.
So they came over and I put out some chips and pop....I had bought stuff for 15 people, so we had way too much. Oh well. Emmy opened her present from them which is a Minnie Mouse in a remote-controlled car. She loved it, she's been playing with it all day and chasing the cat with it. So then we had the cupcakes that I made and some ice cream. Em said at least a few times that it was the best birthday ever, so I guess I accomplished my mission. She still had a great time, which is all I was after. I didn't want my baby to feel any of the effects of this and to still have a great birthday and it sounds like she did. And when all of this craziness is over, we can go to the aquarium and the Rainforest Cafe and do all the fun stuff we had planned.
A part of me feels so good when I think this could be over soon....when I think week one is already done, and according to everything thus far, we should just have three weeks left of being quarantined and the kids out of school. I think of how happy I will be when the world can get back to normal. But then I hear how some states have already declared that school is canceled for the rest of the year, and this could go on for months and months and months. I try not to think of that, because at this point it is all speculation. At least with Emily, I am not as worried about her education as a parent of an older child might be. But it does make me worry. Does she have to miss out on her last 3 months of Kindergarten? Her last 3 months with a teacher she absolutely loves?
Will she just go on to first grade if they resume school in the fall? Will we have to choose if they go on to the next or hang back? As much as I hate the idea of her missing the rest of her kindergarten year, I also am sad at the idea of her having to repeat kindergarten. With all the crap of losing teachers and getting new teachers and then her preschool closing last year and having to start at a new one mid-year, I was looking forward to stability this year and knowing each day would be as certain as the next.
I mean, on the one hand, this isn't all that bad. We're whining about being quarantined in an age where we have internet, TV, Netflix...every TV show and movie we could ever ask for...e-books, etc Imagine being quarantined back in the late 1800's during the smallpox pandemic. And at least with this, if you're youngish and relatively healthy you don't even have to fear the virus itself all that much but something like smallpox, if you got it, it was pretty much game over.
In many ways, not much has changed for us lately. I already work from home, so that is nothing new...and normally I would be thrilled to not have to go into the office a couple days a week. Emily being home is no different than it would be in the summer, except she has school work. But honestly, after a few days of doing it, we've got a routine down so it's not even all that bad. I get my groceries delivered, so aside from my weekly trip to Target, and maybe occasionally meeting my friend for drinks or dinner, nothing has changed all that much.
But it's the uncertainty of it all. People talking about it non-stop on Facebook, people posting stuff that you just cannot decipher whether it is the truth or lies. Will we be back to normal life in a month....or will it really be a year or more, or somewhere in between? Will things change again and the virus will become more threatening to everybody and not just the elderly or those with underlying health conditions? And of course even if you don't go out a lot, the minute you're told you cannot, it's all you want to do. How long will the economy take to recover? Will it recover? I know we have it pretty easy compared to other times our country has experienced something like this, but it's a first for many of us and it's unsettling, to say the least. I pretty much walk around with a constant feeling of just....heaviness I guess. And it's not even something I can pinpoint like I said above. It's just the general feeling of uncertainty weighing on me as I am sure everyone is experiencing something similar. Normal life was less than a week and a half ago, yet it seems like it was ages ago.
So that morning she woke up to streamers covering her bedroom doorway like a curtain. Not actually streamers....I got it off Pinterest. You take 3 colored plastic table cloths, hang them up on the doorway and then cut them into strips almost to the top. Then you brain the top foot or so, and let them hang. I usually fill her room with balloons the night before, but I thought I would try something different this year.
She liked it, but I think she prefers the balloons, lol. I also hung up signs all over the house with Minnie and Mickey on them, and the first one said "I have loved you for six years...", and then she had to find the next sign saying how many months, then weeks, days, etc....it was also kind of a little reading exercise since she needed to find the correct sign with the next measurement of time.
I also hung up the Minnie and Daisy Happy Birthday banner that we bought for last year. So the day was pretty laid back...without being able to go anywhere, we just hung around at home. The previous day, in addition to working my usual day, I also worked two hours that night, and then I worked two hours Thursday night as well so I wouldn't have my full load of work during the day so I could spend more time with her. So I worked in the morning and I got done around 12:30. We had a little cleaning to do, and then we played Life. She loves that game...I hate it. It's such a pain to set up and she doesn't understand the ins and outs of it, so it's even more of a pain to set up considering how much she actually gets out of it.
But she loves when her game piece gets married and has kids. So that was my gift to her, we played Life on her birthday. I stupidly played it on the floor, and then I could barely walk after a while of getting on the floor. It reminds me of when we went to Disney World. We went to see this Disney Jr. live show. It was on stage but it was just floor seating. The show was about 30-45 minutes long. Ryan went to stand in the back because he wasn't even going to attempt sitting on the floor. Now, there were surely younger parents at Disney, but being in our mid-thirties, we were definitely in good company of other parents in their 30's and 40's with small kids. When the show ended, you could hear all the parents groaning and grunting as they stood up, lol. My feet were so asleep I could barely walk.
So that day after Ryan got home from work, he picked up dinner at Olga's and a small cake and he came over and we had dinner. Em blew out the candles on her cake and then she opened her presents which was the Nintendo Switch and Super Mario Deluxe U. Her reaction wasn't as amazing as I expected, but once we set it up and started playing, she was squealing with delight and jumping around. We definitely knocked it out of the park with that gift. She played a lot that night and has been playing a lot every day since. I played it some too, it's fun. I just we could use the Wii controllers, I'm having a hard time getting used to these.
So today we had her "party" which just consisted of her and me and my dad, stepmom, and stepsister. But I am thankful they could at least make it, and she seemed to have a lot of fun. I ordered balloons last weekend to pick up at Party City this weekend, but the store has since closed. So then I went online and ordered some....I still have a smidge of helium left in a tank, so I figured I could at least blow up a couple to float, and then hang the rest. Before I ordered them, it said the estimated delivery was Friday. By the next day, they estimated Saturday. I thought oh crap, I hope they get here before 2pm. Then by Thursday, it says estimated delivery is Tuesday. Ugh,
So I currently have two orders of balloons and had no balloons for her party. But my dad to the rescue, he stopped at the dollar store and picked up a couple so she at least had something. If they do indeed get them by Tuesday, we can use them for Kayla's I suppose.
So they came over and I put out some chips and pop....I had bought stuff for 15 people, so we had way too much. Oh well. Emmy opened her present from them which is a Minnie Mouse in a remote-controlled car. She loved it, she's been playing with it all day and chasing the cat with it. So then we had the cupcakes that I made and some ice cream. Em said at least a few times that it was the best birthday ever, so I guess I accomplished my mission. She still had a great time, which is all I was after. I didn't want my baby to feel any of the effects of this and to still have a great birthday and it sounds like she did. And when all of this craziness is over, we can go to the aquarium and the Rainforest Cafe and do all the fun stuff we had planned.
A part of me feels so good when I think this could be over soon....when I think week one is already done, and according to everything thus far, we should just have three weeks left of being quarantined and the kids out of school. I think of how happy I will be when the world can get back to normal. But then I hear how some states have already declared that school is canceled for the rest of the year, and this could go on for months and months and months. I try not to think of that, because at this point it is all speculation. At least with Emily, I am not as worried about her education as a parent of an older child might be. But it does make me worry. Does she have to miss out on her last 3 months of Kindergarten? Her last 3 months with a teacher she absolutely loves?
Will she just go on to first grade if they resume school in the fall? Will we have to choose if they go on to the next or hang back? As much as I hate the idea of her missing the rest of her kindergarten year, I also am sad at the idea of her having to repeat kindergarten. With all the crap of losing teachers and getting new teachers and then her preschool closing last year and having to start at a new one mid-year, I was looking forward to stability this year and knowing each day would be as certain as the next.
I mean, on the one hand, this isn't all that bad. We're whining about being quarantined in an age where we have internet, TV, Netflix...every TV show and movie we could ever ask for...e-books, etc Imagine being quarantined back in the late 1800's during the smallpox pandemic. And at least with this, if you're youngish and relatively healthy you don't even have to fear the virus itself all that much but something like smallpox, if you got it, it was pretty much game over.
In many ways, not much has changed for us lately. I already work from home, so that is nothing new...and normally I would be thrilled to not have to go into the office a couple days a week. Emily being home is no different than it would be in the summer, except she has school work. But honestly, after a few days of doing it, we've got a routine down so it's not even all that bad. I get my groceries delivered, so aside from my weekly trip to Target, and maybe occasionally meeting my friend for drinks or dinner, nothing has changed all that much.
But it's the uncertainty of it all. People talking about it non-stop on Facebook, people posting stuff that you just cannot decipher whether it is the truth or lies. Will we be back to normal life in a month....or will it really be a year or more, or somewhere in between? Will things change again and the virus will become more threatening to everybody and not just the elderly or those with underlying health conditions? And of course even if you don't go out a lot, the minute you're told you cannot, it's all you want to do. How long will the economy take to recover? Will it recover? I know we have it pretty easy compared to other times our country has experienced something like this, but it's a first for many of us and it's unsettling, to say the least. I pretty much walk around with a constant feeling of just....heaviness I guess. And it's not even something I can pinpoint like I said above. It's just the general feeling of uncertainty weighing on me as I am sure everyone is experiencing something similar. Normal life was less than a week and a half ago, yet it seems like it was ages ago.
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
Day 5
Dammit, every fucking day there is something new. So just since I wrote last on Sunday, the Aquarium closed, and all restaurants for dine-in service closed. It doesn't really matter since we decided not to go anyway, but still. Ryan suggested canceling Em's party, which I do not want to do so today I suggested to him that we separate the parties. That way the already small number of guests will be even smaller, thus making everyone that much more comfortable to come.
Well, despite that, my brother and sister-in-law are not coming. With them, and counting me and Em, that would be 7 people total. I'm annoyed. I know there are more important things than birthdays, but to a 6-year-old, their birthday IS a big deal, and in less than 5 days everything has been canceled left and right. We, adults, are having a hard enough time with all of what's going on, so I cannot imagine how hard it has been on kids, and how hard it will continue to be on the kids. It has only just begun.
My humble opinion is, I find it odd that they're not coming. No one in the family is sick, and it would literally be 7 people...all close family that we trust. I will be sure to clean all surfaces and doorknobs and everyone is being very diligent about hand washing, sneezing and coughing into our elbows, etc. I know people have to do what is right for their family, but still. This could go on for a very very long time it sounds like. We HAVE to have something good, we HAVE to still live our lives to the best of our abilities. Is it necessary to go get a pedicure...no, and if my appointment were tomorrow rather than last Saturday, I probably wouldn't go. But I honestly don't see the harm in spending a couple hours with less than 10 people in your FAMILY to celebrate a little girl's birthday who has just lost a ton of what she enjoys.
Maybe I am being overly dramatic....so far she really does seem fine. But I just want to give my little girl a damn birthday party. But again, it's obviously their choice and they have to be comfortable with the choices they make, I'm just pissed off in general. Literally, 6 days ago our lives were normal. We went to work, school, we went shopping, out to dinner, to the park, we hung out with family and friends. And now in just a matter of days, everything has changed. We're being told we should not go ANYWHERE except maybe to get food.
We had a video conference with HR last night and we were told while a lot of cancellations have happened, we are making every attempt to stay open in order to continue servicing our families (our clients, not OUR families). Today we got a letter saying it is very likely we will have to shut down, and they are asking for volunteers to go on reduced hours or to go on furlough effective immediately. I will not be doing that. Anyone who is married and has another income earner in their house that can keep working or anyone that already works very limited hours per week can sign up first. Besides, there are two steps to making money for my company. 1) see the client and 2) bill the insurance company. If there are people who can no longer see any more clients because all of their have canceled, then it only makes sense for them to go first. We can possibly still bill these appointments in order for the company to get paid.
I am not sure what that means for my job though. My position is sort of a trickle-down spot....the first to get hit are of course the therapists who cannot work because their patients have canceled...or who cannot work as much. But since I do billing, I may still have work to do because any appointment rendered yesterday and on cannot be billed until April 5th at the earliest. I may not have as much work to do since many of my other job functions will not necessarily be needed, but just in a black and white perspective, I could still have at least 3 more weeks of work to do even if only at reduced hours.
However, that is all dependent on other entities such as Medicare. Will Medicare still be accepting billing and paying out on billed claims? If not, then my presence could be rendered unnecessary much sooner if I will not be billing current appointments in April. So that adds to my stress level. HR has assured us that everyone's job is safe regardless of what happens in the coming weeks and months. Ok, that's awesome, and I believe them. But...what happens if this goes on much longer than they think? What happens if the shut down is not only 4 weeks, but more like 8 or 12...or longer? What if when this is all over, my company which is a small business cannot recover? Or at the very least, cannot recover with all 112 employees (or however many there are) that are currently employed by them?
On the one hand, I want to have blind faith. This will all work out, we're all in the same boat. But on the other hand, I am very worried. Everyone is united now, everyone is willing to help, and reach out to their neighbor. But what about 6 months from now, when companies are trying to get back on their feet, and have to collect your balance due in order for them to stay afloat? I fear it will be every man for himself, and people will very quickly abandon the kumbaya attitude of all being in the same boat. I would hate to lose my job and face the repercussions of not having any income...but in some ways, even more, I would hate to lose my job because I love my job. I mean, LOVE my job. Is it perfect? No. Would I continue to work there if tomorrow I won 8 billion dollars? No, probably not. But I have never had a job like this one before, and I would be fucking devastated if this mess caused me to lose it.
On another note, I am so angry at just everything. I am angry that our lives are being so disrupted and turned upside down IF this really is not something we need to declare a pandemic over. I realize it sounds ridiculous to blame all this on the US's election year when other countries like Italy and China have been it so hard. But, is comparing the US to these other countries really comparing apples to apples? Italy has the second oldest population on earth, and who is most at risk of being very sick and/or dying of this? The elderly. Their culture is also different...many young people live with or regularly see their older family members much more than younger people in the US and have a much better chance of catching the virus, be just fine, but infecting all of their older relatives. The majority in the US do not live with extended family, and it can be very common to go weeks if not months between seeing extended family for most Americans, wherein a country like Italy, saying younger generations see their older family once a week might even be vastly underestimating how often this happens.
China, while roughly the same size as the US has 1.1 billion more people. I also read somewhere that a lot more people smoke in China, and what does this virus do? It attacks lungs. Even if none of that matters and this is very serious and the US does need to take these drastic precautions, how the fuck can anyone expect most Americans to be able to trust and have faith in our media? People are flabbergasted that people are not taking the warnings seriously and that they are not doing what the government and media recommend, but yet it has been many many years since the media could be trusted.
Even if you do not believe in Trump's claims of fake news, we have all read the ridiculous, overly sensationalized headlines, and then read the article only to find that the facts have very little to do with the headline, and in many cases, the headline is an outright lie or fabrication. When I was a kid, if it was on the 6 o'clock news, you could pretty much bet the farm that it was true. Yes, there were rag mags in the check out lanes at the grocery store, but the actual newspapers and local news was factual and you could be very confident that what they told us was the truth. But that is no more, and it hasn't been that way for a long time. Now, in addition to once reputable news sources flat out lying or exaggerating to make something more newsworthy, social media has brought with it a million new "news sources" that often are 110% bullshit.
We also just watched this past fall a president being put through the most ridiculous impeachment trial our country has ever seen. I really don't want to get political in here, but even if you are absolutely against the president and were in favor of the impeachment, you cannot deny that they have been trying to impeach and/or overturn the election results in any possible way they could since before he was even sworn in. Fine, you don't like him. Fine, you think he's a horrible president. But like it or not, our country has a system that has been in place for hundreds of years, and the people voted. Sometimes, your man loses.
But to completely declare that the system now no longer works for the first time in the history of our country just because you don't like the person who was voted in goes against everything this country stands for. So I'm sorry, but a lot of people have had a lot of good reasons to not initially trust the media and the government. When the media runs stories like "People (um, probably one person that whined about it) are outraged over blackface concerns and calling stores racist for selling black pumpkins", then yeah, I have no fucking faith that the media is capable of printing true stories or has the publics' best interest in mind. Even my 6-year-old daughter understands that when you cry wolf for years, suddenly no one believes you when you tell the truth.
So I am not really mad at my brother and sister-in-law for not coming, but I'm just so angry and stressed and worried about the future when our lives have been turned upside down in under a week, and I just wanted to give my baby a goddamn birthday party. Today I saw that Party City has now closed, so now I cannot even get the damn balloons I had ordered for Saturday.
Oh, by the way, last night I coughed. Which made me nervous, and so I coughed some more. Within 10 minutes I was coughing more and more, and I was certain my chest was burning some. But then I realized no, it was my heart racing. I was so damn nervous that I was coming down with this fucking virus, that my initial cough actually caused me to cough more....and then the more anxious I got, the more my heart began to race, which also made me cough because my heart racing was uncomfortable so my body decided I needed to cough to make it go away. I am not really concerned at all with getting this virus, but I am praying if I do get it, it's after Saturday so maybe at least 2 or 3 people will still come to her party. Once I started watching TV and getting my mind off it, I stopped coughing almost altogether, and my heart slowed down some. Today I feel perfectly fine and have no cough at all. Yeah, I have anxiety, but overall I consider myself to be a very mentally healthy person. So if all this stress and panic can cause my anxiety to raise so much that I actually made myself cough a lot for over an hour and for my heart to race for several hours, I cannot imagine what it is doing to people who have actual serious mental health conditions.
Ok, and now because I desperately need it, I will find some silver linings. 1) My dad and stepmom and stepsister are coming to the party. So if all else fails, I know they will be there to help my sweet girl celebrate. 2) If my job does shut down and I have very reduced hours or no hours at all, I will at least be able to spend more quality time with Emily. I also have a ton of home improvement projects and cleaning I can do. I'll have no income, but hey, maybe I'll finally have a clean basement!
3). My baby is the epitome of positivity and excitement. Despite not getting to go to school and see her friends, and not getting to go to swim class and not getting to go out to celebrate her birthday, and not having her dad or dad's side of the family at her party (they will presumably have their own party the following weekend and he is coming over on the day of her birthday to celebrate) she has not missed a beat of staying positive and happy. She is so damn excited about her birthday, despite all the changes, and I need to remind myself to try to take in some of her positive vibes. Some of it may just be the blissful ignorance of being a child, but you could give her a rock and she would be so appreciative and grateful to have received this wonderful rock. I love my baby so much and I will do everything in my power to keep her positive and to not let the uncertainty of our future scare her and cause her any stress.
Ugh, I need a drink. Luckily my wine cabinet is fully stocked.
Well, despite that, my brother and sister-in-law are not coming. With them, and counting me and Em, that would be 7 people total. I'm annoyed. I know there are more important things than birthdays, but to a 6-year-old, their birthday IS a big deal, and in less than 5 days everything has been canceled left and right. We, adults, are having a hard enough time with all of what's going on, so I cannot imagine how hard it has been on kids, and how hard it will continue to be on the kids. It has only just begun.
My humble opinion is, I find it odd that they're not coming. No one in the family is sick, and it would literally be 7 people...all close family that we trust. I will be sure to clean all surfaces and doorknobs and everyone is being very diligent about hand washing, sneezing and coughing into our elbows, etc. I know people have to do what is right for their family, but still. This could go on for a very very long time it sounds like. We HAVE to have something good, we HAVE to still live our lives to the best of our abilities. Is it necessary to go get a pedicure...no, and if my appointment were tomorrow rather than last Saturday, I probably wouldn't go. But I honestly don't see the harm in spending a couple hours with less than 10 people in your FAMILY to celebrate a little girl's birthday who has just lost a ton of what she enjoys.
Maybe I am being overly dramatic....so far she really does seem fine. But I just want to give my little girl a damn birthday party. But again, it's obviously their choice and they have to be comfortable with the choices they make, I'm just pissed off in general. Literally, 6 days ago our lives were normal. We went to work, school, we went shopping, out to dinner, to the park, we hung out with family and friends. And now in just a matter of days, everything has changed. We're being told we should not go ANYWHERE except maybe to get food.
We had a video conference with HR last night and we were told while a lot of cancellations have happened, we are making every attempt to stay open in order to continue servicing our families (our clients, not OUR families). Today we got a letter saying it is very likely we will have to shut down, and they are asking for volunteers to go on reduced hours or to go on furlough effective immediately. I will not be doing that. Anyone who is married and has another income earner in their house that can keep working or anyone that already works very limited hours per week can sign up first. Besides, there are two steps to making money for my company. 1) see the client and 2) bill the insurance company. If there are people who can no longer see any more clients because all of their have canceled, then it only makes sense for them to go first. We can possibly still bill these appointments in order for the company to get paid.
I am not sure what that means for my job though. My position is sort of a trickle-down spot....the first to get hit are of course the therapists who cannot work because their patients have canceled...or who cannot work as much. But since I do billing, I may still have work to do because any appointment rendered yesterday and on cannot be billed until April 5th at the earliest. I may not have as much work to do since many of my other job functions will not necessarily be needed, but just in a black and white perspective, I could still have at least 3 more weeks of work to do even if only at reduced hours.
However, that is all dependent on other entities such as Medicare. Will Medicare still be accepting billing and paying out on billed claims? If not, then my presence could be rendered unnecessary much sooner if I will not be billing current appointments in April. So that adds to my stress level. HR has assured us that everyone's job is safe regardless of what happens in the coming weeks and months. Ok, that's awesome, and I believe them. But...what happens if this goes on much longer than they think? What happens if the shut down is not only 4 weeks, but more like 8 or 12...or longer? What if when this is all over, my company which is a small business cannot recover? Or at the very least, cannot recover with all 112 employees (or however many there are) that are currently employed by them?
On the one hand, I want to have blind faith. This will all work out, we're all in the same boat. But on the other hand, I am very worried. Everyone is united now, everyone is willing to help, and reach out to their neighbor. But what about 6 months from now, when companies are trying to get back on their feet, and have to collect your balance due in order for them to stay afloat? I fear it will be every man for himself, and people will very quickly abandon the kumbaya attitude of all being in the same boat. I would hate to lose my job and face the repercussions of not having any income...but in some ways, even more, I would hate to lose my job because I love my job. I mean, LOVE my job. Is it perfect? No. Would I continue to work there if tomorrow I won 8 billion dollars? No, probably not. But I have never had a job like this one before, and I would be fucking devastated if this mess caused me to lose it.
On another note, I am so angry at just everything. I am angry that our lives are being so disrupted and turned upside down IF this really is not something we need to declare a pandemic over. I realize it sounds ridiculous to blame all this on the US's election year when other countries like Italy and China have been it so hard. But, is comparing the US to these other countries really comparing apples to apples? Italy has the second oldest population on earth, and who is most at risk of being very sick and/or dying of this? The elderly. Their culture is also different...many young people live with or regularly see their older family members much more than younger people in the US and have a much better chance of catching the virus, be just fine, but infecting all of their older relatives. The majority in the US do not live with extended family, and it can be very common to go weeks if not months between seeing extended family for most Americans, wherein a country like Italy, saying younger generations see their older family once a week might even be vastly underestimating how often this happens.
China, while roughly the same size as the US has 1.1 billion more people. I also read somewhere that a lot more people smoke in China, and what does this virus do? It attacks lungs. Even if none of that matters and this is very serious and the US does need to take these drastic precautions, how the fuck can anyone expect most Americans to be able to trust and have faith in our media? People are flabbergasted that people are not taking the warnings seriously and that they are not doing what the government and media recommend, but yet it has been many many years since the media could be trusted.
Even if you do not believe in Trump's claims of fake news, we have all read the ridiculous, overly sensationalized headlines, and then read the article only to find that the facts have very little to do with the headline, and in many cases, the headline is an outright lie or fabrication. When I was a kid, if it was on the 6 o'clock news, you could pretty much bet the farm that it was true. Yes, there were rag mags in the check out lanes at the grocery store, but the actual newspapers and local news was factual and you could be very confident that what they told us was the truth. But that is no more, and it hasn't been that way for a long time. Now, in addition to once reputable news sources flat out lying or exaggerating to make something more newsworthy, social media has brought with it a million new "news sources" that often are 110% bullshit.
We also just watched this past fall a president being put through the most ridiculous impeachment trial our country has ever seen. I really don't want to get political in here, but even if you are absolutely against the president and were in favor of the impeachment, you cannot deny that they have been trying to impeach and/or overturn the election results in any possible way they could since before he was even sworn in. Fine, you don't like him. Fine, you think he's a horrible president. But like it or not, our country has a system that has been in place for hundreds of years, and the people voted. Sometimes, your man loses.
But to completely declare that the system now no longer works for the first time in the history of our country just because you don't like the person who was voted in goes against everything this country stands for. So I'm sorry, but a lot of people have had a lot of good reasons to not initially trust the media and the government. When the media runs stories like "People (um, probably one person that whined about it) are outraged over blackface concerns and calling stores racist for selling black pumpkins", then yeah, I have no fucking faith that the media is capable of printing true stories or has the publics' best interest in mind. Even my 6-year-old daughter understands that when you cry wolf for years, suddenly no one believes you when you tell the truth.
So I am not really mad at my brother and sister-in-law for not coming, but I'm just so angry and stressed and worried about the future when our lives have been turned upside down in under a week, and I just wanted to give my baby a goddamn birthday party. Today I saw that Party City has now closed, so now I cannot even get the damn balloons I had ordered for Saturday.
Oh, by the way, last night I coughed. Which made me nervous, and so I coughed some more. Within 10 minutes I was coughing more and more, and I was certain my chest was burning some. But then I realized no, it was my heart racing. I was so damn nervous that I was coming down with this fucking virus, that my initial cough actually caused me to cough more....and then the more anxious I got, the more my heart began to race, which also made me cough because my heart racing was uncomfortable so my body decided I needed to cough to make it go away. I am not really concerned at all with getting this virus, but I am praying if I do get it, it's after Saturday so maybe at least 2 or 3 people will still come to her party. Once I started watching TV and getting my mind off it, I stopped coughing almost altogether, and my heart slowed down some. Today I feel perfectly fine and have no cough at all. Yeah, I have anxiety, but overall I consider myself to be a very mentally healthy person. So if all this stress and panic can cause my anxiety to raise so much that I actually made myself cough a lot for over an hour and for my heart to race for several hours, I cannot imagine what it is doing to people who have actual serious mental health conditions.
Ok, and now because I desperately need it, I will find some silver linings. 1) My dad and stepmom and stepsister are coming to the party. So if all else fails, I know they will be there to help my sweet girl celebrate. 2) If my job does shut down and I have very reduced hours or no hours at all, I will at least be able to spend more quality time with Emily. I also have a ton of home improvement projects and cleaning I can do. I'll have no income, but hey, maybe I'll finally have a clean basement!
3). My baby is the epitome of positivity and excitement. Despite not getting to go to school and see her friends, and not getting to go to swim class and not getting to go out to celebrate her birthday, and not having her dad or dad's side of the family at her party (they will presumably have their own party the following weekend and he is coming over on the day of her birthday to celebrate) she has not missed a beat of staying positive and happy. She is so damn excited about her birthday, despite all the changes, and I need to remind myself to try to take in some of her positive vibes. Some of it may just be the blissful ignorance of being a child, but you could give her a rock and she would be so appreciative and grateful to have received this wonderful rock. I love my baby so much and I will do everything in my power to keep her positive and to not let the uncertainty of our future scare her and cause her any stress.
Ugh, I need a drink. Luckily my wine cabinet is fully stocked.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Day 3
Day 3 of the apocalypse: Emily just came home from her dad's, so really my hell has only just begun, lol. Alright, I'm going to say this one last time and I will consider this point covered for the duration of the crisis. I love Emily. A ton. She is my world. But I am terrified of spending these next 4 weeks with her, haha. I dreaded summer enough as it was, but that would have just been her home, while I'm working. But now, I've got her home, I have to work, AND I have to teach/supervise her school lessons. If I have any sanity by the end of this month, it will be a miracle.
But, silver linings...I am not a happy, skipping, annoyingly positive person. In fact, my sister-in-law quite often shakes her head and has alluded to the fact that I am like Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec, and also some DJ that she listens to that "hates" everything. That being said, I do always try to look for the silver lining in things. So, the ones I have found thus far....1) my dad/stepmom and my ex-inlaws will each be watching Emily one day a week. So that's two glorious days a week that I can work in peace, and not deal with her homework. That should give me some energy to tackle the other three days and it should give her more willingness to entertain herself when she's home.. 2) I only have one child and she is a relatively good kid. So yes, I know some people are looking down the barrel of the gun of 3 long weeks with multiple children. All I can say to that is, you should have thought about the possibility of a quarantine/homeschool/pandemic situation after that first kid...just saying.
3) As insane as it makes me to think that they are going ahead with spring break (thus adding a 4th week to the school closing) I will say that after 3 weeks of this shit, I will be happy to have that week of no school work. I'd be even happier if the little rugrats were back in school, but I digress.
I thought I had a 4th silver lining, but I guess I do not. Oh yes, I do....I just spent a good 30-45 minutes organizing Emily's homework packet, breaking up each lesson and assignment into days and weeks and labeling them so the grandparents (nor I) will get confused. As much as I am dreading this, the nerd in me is also a little excited about going through the checklist each day and helping her complete her assignments. Ask me on Tuesday if I am still excited and that answer may change.
So I had a decent weekend. Friday I picked up dinner and I am on Season 2 of my biennial re-watch of The Sopranos. It is my all-time favorite show. Saturday I got a pedicure, and then I went to Party City to get stuff for Em's birthday party. Just from what I have seen on FB, there are two camps regarding this. There are people like me who are still trying to live their life, but cautiously. I feel like I had good hygiene before, but now I am really trying to be conscious of not touching my face, washing my hands way more and of course, I will avoid really crowded places. Then there are the people who are screaming GOOD GOD PEOPLE, STAY HOME, ARE YOU CRAZY???
Ok, if you are elderly, or regularly see/care for someone who is, then yes. Seriously limit the places you go to. If you have a compromised immune system, same answer. For the rest of us, I think avoiding very crowded places, upping the handwashing regimen and just being more conscious about what you touch is enough. Let's not forget that mental health is also important, and if you can risk going out some, then you should. We're also just coming out of winter (and still in it actually) where we are already indoors more, when seasonal depression is more common, and suicide rates are higher. If you think you need to stay in your house 24/7 except to get groceries, then by all means. No one is dragging unwilling people out of their homes. But I choose to be a little more level headed and balance my life some.
My regular nail lady was out as she was experiencing some symptoms, so I am pretty confident that the salon is taking it seriously and not making possible sick people come in. I used sanitizer when I first walked in, and I washed my hands when I got home. Party City was not very crowded at all...probably the closest I got to anyone was when I checked out, for all of 2 minutes. Again, I washed my hands when I got home.
Today was a beautiful day so before I picked up Emily, I took a drive out to my mom's cemetery. I was surprised, I only came across a handful of other cars. Now that is probably the safest place to be, I guarantee you nobody at the cemetery has Coronavirus, lol. And of the 5 or so people I did come across, they were all in their vehicles, at least 100 yards away if not more.
So this Thursday is Emily's birthday. We were going to take her to the aquarium, that oddly enough we have spent 2 other birthdays at, and then have dinner at The Rainforest Cafe. As of today, both are still open and are limiting the number of people allowed and spacing people apart. But, when I mentioned to Ryan that we should have a backup plan in case they do close, he suggested we just put it off for another day. Eh, I'm bummed, and I'm annoyed that Em doesn't get to go out and celebrate her birthday, but it likely wouldn't be as much fun is he isn't happy about going.
And while I do think the hype and panic is way overdone for most people, he does work in a hospital. He isn't in the medical field, but he is IN the hospital all day every day. For someone like me who won't be going to work and is cautious about the places I do go, I think it's fine. But seeing as he does work at the very hospital that many of Michigan's confirmed cases are or have been, it's probably very smart to limit his outings a lot more. And, the way things are closing left and right, they may not even be open still come Thursday. So instead he'll bring some take out for dinner and she can open her presents. She'll probably be fine with that because she'll want to stay home and play with the Nintendo Switch anyway.
So Saturday we're having her birthday party...it'll be small, just us, our parents, siblings and my friend. Less than 15 people. But he thinks we should cancel, and he quoted "for our parents' sake at least". Ummm, well he lives with his parents, so it's not like canceling the party will keep them safe from possible exposure and I really don't think my parents are worried about it. It's a small number of people and I would think we can trust that we have all been cautious and would not come if at all sick. But, convincing him is sometimes like talking to a wall. I told him we can revisit the idea later in the week, but I think I will suggest having separate parties.
I've already got food for it, I've already done a lot of cleaning...yes the food I bought will keep, but I also just don't want to cancel. She's already missing out on celebrating at school, on just plain going to school which is fun when you're in Kindergarten, her swim school just closed so she won't have lessons for the next 3 weeks, and we cannot go out on her actual birthday. I don't want to take this away from her too. So if he wants to cancel he can, but I think I will still have my family over as long as they're all feeling fine, and then when he has her the weekend after they can celebrate how they chose to.
I really wanted to keep the parties joint for as long as we can and for as long as we're getting along, but these are extenuating circumstances. We can always try again next year to have a joint party.
Friday, March 13, 2020
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
Fun fact, this song (see title) was playing in my car as I arrived to my very first job interview when I was 16. So fitting.
So, 3 weeks home with the kids. Awesome. In the movie Signs, when Joaquin was watching the news, the male anchor finished up his report, and then said "May God be with you all". They should have played that clip after the Governor announced that she was ordering all K-12 schools in the state to close for 3 weeks.
Oh wait I mean, I love Emily, I can't wait to spend that much time with her.....*crickets*.
Actually, it wouldn't be that bad if I didn't also have to work. I really envy stay at home parents right now. It wasn't for me long term, but it would be so much easier for the coming weeks. It's so hard to expect an almost 6-year-old to entertain herself for 7 hours of the day, every day. Understandably she gets bored and lonely.
Originally I was bummed that this damn virus and ensuing panic is messing up her birthday. She won't get to celebrate at school, and I am worried about the plans we had for the day of being canceled due to closures. But, at least my kid will have all new toys to play with as of next week. Haha, what are all you suckers gonna do? JK....sort of.
We got her the Nintendo Switch, and Super Mario Deluxe U. I had better not hear the phrase, "I am bored" for a very very long time. But, as of now the aquarium we want to take her to on her birthday is still open, and even if the restaurant we plan to go to closes, there are other restaurants we can go to I am sure, even if it's just take-out.
We're not having a huge party, just immediate family over for cake and ice cream, and I think everyone is grounded enough to be fine with coming to a gathering of fewer than 15 people without worrying that we'll all die. I am also lucky that I have two sets of parents that can probably take her 1-2 days a week so that just leaves 3 days that I have to try to work with her home...and if need be, I CAN work some at night if she's having a particularly rough day of needing my attention. I don't like to work at night, but it is at least an option.
So it's way easier for me than most people, and I am thankful for that. I already work from home, and while I do go into the office twice a week, I can indefinitely work from home exclusively which is what I will be doing for the next 4 weeks at least (oh yeah, the day they are supposed to return back is the start of spring break, and they announced today they WILL be off for spring break). But today I had a thought. I can work anywhere so this doesn't affect me like it does some who have to go into work in order to do their job. But, I have work to do from home, because other people (our therapists) go into the clinic to provide therapy to kids. As of right now, our clinics are staying open. But what happens if we do have to close and no clients are being seen? How can they pay me, if they are not taking in any money?
I did read about the President trying to pass something to give paid time off to people who need it, but will it pass? And if it does, how much will it be? Paying bills isn't always so easy right now, not to mention if this paid time off is a fraction of what we usually make. What if there are a bunch of stipulations that a bunch of people won't meet to qualify. What if the mere fact that I do work from home disqualifies me, even if a shut down of our business leaves me with no work to do?
In some ways, I want to have blind faith that it will all work out, and we're all in the same boat more or less so it's not like this is only happening to a select few. But it is still scary. We were in a booming economy, the stock market was at all-time highs, and now I refuse to even think about looking at my IRA because I am too scared. I won't even get into conspiracy theories because I feel like a complete whackadoo even considering them, but I'd be lying if I didn't say a lot of things have crossed my mind.
And the thing is, I am not scared of the virus at all. I still don't believe it is anything to even worry about, much less shut the whole country down over. But I am worried about the fall out from all this panic and the consequences of just mass hysteria. It did make me feel a little better to go out and grab take out this evening...the roads are still full of cars, driving home from work, going to dinner, running errands....while Target WAS out of toilet paper and other essentials, people weren't running around the store like psychos, punching people over TP and hand sanitizer. Emily's swim lessons are still on for tomorrow as of now. My pedicure appointment for tomorrow is still on. Most people agree that this is all insanity and nothing more than any other illness that unfortunately does in older people with health issues.
But, this is just the beginning. On Wednesday, I literally felt zero anxiety over it all. Yesterday, it went up a lot. As people are out of work and school for a week or more, is the hysteria going to set in more? Will there ever be toilet paper on the shelf again? How long will it take our economy to recover from this? It's just all scary, and it makes me so angry to think this could all be happening when the virus and the death rate does not warrant it. I mean, anytime people die it's horrible. But if this really is no different than the unfortunate cases of people who die from the flu every year, then it is really really fucked up that they're blowing it up to be so much bigger. And as far as the actual virus goes for healthy, youngish people that get it, it doesn't even sound all that bad. From what I am reading, the two upper respiratory infections I had in the last year sounds like they were way way way worse (in terms of feeling like absolute shit).
Ok, I'm done talking about it. In better news, my premature post about Emily wearing underwear to bed was not jumping the gun. She's worn undies to bed 24 nights in a row now and has only had one accident. I'm soooo excited! So maybe the money I save on Pull-ups now can be put toward the insane prices for toilet paper. I always knew she'd be out of pull-ups one day....my favorite parenting advice is to remember that no kid ever went away to college still doing _______(insert thing you're struggling with). But still, after 6 years of diapers and pull-ups, it's like an unreal dream come true to be done with them. I still haven't returned the last package that was shipped to us...I'm still too nervous, lol. But, I do still have a half a package and a still sealed package, so it's not like returning that one would leave us with NO pull-ups, thus temping the Gods, lol.
Well, at least I do get a break from Em every other weekend, and since this weekend was his, I've only got two weekends with her during this mess and he's got 3, so that worked out nicely. Haha, I really do love my kid...honest! But I love her even more after getting a short break from her.
It's also hard to think of her being out of school all that time since we've only been back to school for what, 3 weeks since winter break. And, this week she was off Tuesday for primaries, yesterday was a half-day for Kindergarten Roundup, and she didn't go today. So 4 weeks off, and she only went 2.5 days this week. Plus a couple weeks ago there were those two days they called for snow when we barely had more than a dusting. I bet they're real proud of themselves for making that call now.
Her school was actually open today, but I kept her home. I really wanted to send her, but a part of me was worried there would be almost no one there and she would be freaked out and scared. I am trying to minimize this as much as possible so she doesn't get scared, and so far she seems like she really doesn't give a shit about any of it, so that's good. But I worried that if the school was 80% empty, that in and of itself would scare her, especially once she learned the school would be canceled for the next month. Everyone online was freaking out that they were still open today and saying they weren't sending their kids but as it turns out it sounds like they still had a pretty good turn out considering.
But honestly, the main reason I did not send her....we had a tough day yesterday. With trying to work while she was home in the afternoon, and then the rising anxiety of all this panic, and then being pissed off that we needed just a regular replenishment of TP but there is none anywhere because people are selfish assholes....I was not in a great mood yesterday, and she has been having a listening problem lately. I have to tell her two, three, four times before she will listen, or I have to lose my shit and yell.
I am not a mom who feels bad for disciplining their child. She's not listening and not doing what I tell her to do, or not do, and there are consequences. But I do feel bad when I lose my temper and yell. All night I was wracked with guilt over being such an out of control psycho. Most of the time it just rolls off her back, and she's got a two seconds rebound rate before she's either not listening again, or climbing all over me and telling me how much she loves me. So I'm probably being way too hard on myself and she's fine, but still, I worry that maybe this will be the time that I yell where she loses a little....I dunno, love? Respect? Trust? I hate it, and I am working on not being a yeller, but on days like yesterday where a million things are piling on my shoulders, I don't always win against myself.
So anyway, with it being Ryan's weekend, I would have gotten her off to school, and he would have picked her up from school and had her till Sunday, and after feeling like shit all night about losing my temper, I just couldn't bear the thought of hugging her goodbye outside of school and not seeing her for two days. Obviously, if today were a regular day, not on the verge of an apocalypse, I would have sucked it up and sent her to school, but today I used the excuse of "eh, their closing for 4 weeks, what's one extra day" so I could be with my baby and snuggle her.
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