Dammit, every fucking day there is something new. So just since I wrote last on Sunday, the Aquarium closed, and all restaurants for dine-in service closed. It doesn't really matter since we decided not to go anyway, but still. Ryan suggested canceling Em's party, which I do not want to do so today I suggested to him that we separate the parties. That way the already small number of guests will be even smaller, thus making everyone that much more comfortable to come.
Well, despite that, my brother and sister-in-law are not coming. With them, and counting me and Em, that would be 7 people total. I'm annoyed. I know there are more important things than birthdays, but to a 6-year-old, their birthday IS a big deal, and in less than 5 days everything has been canceled left and right. We, adults, are having a hard enough time with all of what's going on, so I cannot imagine how hard it has been on kids, and how hard it will continue to be on the kids. It has only just begun.
My humble opinion is, I find it odd that they're not coming. No one in the family is sick, and it would literally be 7 people...all close family that we trust. I will be sure to clean all surfaces and doorknobs and everyone is being very diligent about hand washing, sneezing and coughing into our elbows, etc. I know people have to do what is right for their family, but still. This could go on for a very very long time it sounds like. We HAVE to have something good, we HAVE to still live our lives to the best of our abilities. Is it necessary to go get a pedicure...no, and if my appointment were tomorrow rather than last Saturday, I probably wouldn't go. But I honestly don't see the harm in spending a couple hours with less than 10 people in your FAMILY to celebrate a little girl's birthday who has just lost a ton of what she enjoys.
Maybe I am being overly dramatic....so far she really does seem fine. But I just want to give my little girl a damn birthday party. But again, it's obviously their choice and they have to be comfortable with the choices they make, I'm just pissed off in general. Literally, 6 days ago our lives were normal. We went to work, school, we went shopping, out to dinner, to the park, we hung out with family and friends. And now in just a matter of days, everything has changed. We're being told we should not go ANYWHERE except maybe to get food.
We had a video conference with HR last night and we were told while a lot of cancellations have happened, we are making every attempt to stay open in order to continue servicing our families (our clients, not OUR families). Today we got a letter saying it is very likely we will have to shut down, and they are asking for volunteers to go on reduced hours or to go on furlough effective immediately. I will not be doing that. Anyone who is married and has another income earner in their house that can keep working or anyone that already works very limited hours per week can sign up first. Besides, there are two steps to making money for my company. 1) see the client and 2) bill the insurance company. If there are people who can no longer see any more clients because all of their have canceled, then it only makes sense for them to go first. We can possibly still bill these appointments in order for the company to get paid.
I am not sure what that means for my job though. My position is sort of a trickle-down spot....the first to get hit are of course the therapists who cannot work because their patients have canceled...or who cannot work as much. But since I do billing, I may still have work to do because any appointment rendered yesterday and on cannot be billed until April 5th at the earliest. I may not have as much work to do since many of my other job functions will not necessarily be needed, but just in a black and white perspective, I could still have at least 3 more weeks of work to do even if only at reduced hours.
However, that is all dependent on other entities such as Medicare. Will Medicare still be accepting billing and paying out on billed claims? If not, then my presence could be rendered unnecessary much sooner if I will not be billing current appointments in April. So that adds to my stress level. HR has assured us that everyone's job is safe regardless of what happens in the coming weeks and months. Ok, that's awesome, and I believe them. But...what happens if this goes on much longer than they think? What happens if the shut down is not only 4 weeks, but more like 8 or 12...or longer? What if when this is all over, my company which is a small business cannot recover? Or at the very least, cannot recover with all 112 employees (or however many there are) that are currently employed by them?
On the one hand, I want to have blind faith. This will all work out, we're all in the same boat. But on the other hand, I am very worried. Everyone is united now, everyone is willing to help, and reach out to their neighbor. But what about 6 months from now, when companies are trying to get back on their feet, and have to collect your balance due in order for them to stay afloat? I fear it will be every man for himself, and people will very quickly abandon the kumbaya attitude of all being in the same boat. I would hate to lose my job and face the repercussions of not having any income...but in some ways, even more, I would hate to lose my job because I love my job. I mean, LOVE my job. Is it perfect? No. Would I continue to work there if tomorrow I won 8 billion dollars? No, probably not. But I have never had a job like this one before, and I would be fucking devastated if this mess caused me to lose it.
On another note, I am so angry at just everything. I am angry that our lives are being so disrupted and turned upside down IF this really is not something we need to declare a pandemic over. I realize it sounds ridiculous to blame all this on the US's election year when other countries like Italy and China have been it so hard. But, is comparing the US to these other countries really comparing apples to apples? Italy has the second oldest population on earth, and who is most at risk of being very sick and/or dying of this? The elderly. Their culture is also different...many young people live with or regularly see their older family members much more than younger people in the US and have a much better chance of catching the virus, be just fine, but infecting all of their older relatives. The majority in the US do not live with extended family, and it can be very common to go weeks if not months between seeing extended family for most Americans, wherein a country like Italy, saying younger generations see their older family once a week might even be vastly underestimating how often this happens.
China, while roughly the same size as the US has 1.1 billion more people. I also read somewhere that a lot more people smoke in China, and what does this virus do? It attacks lungs. Even if none of that matters and this is very serious and the US does need to take these drastic precautions, how the fuck can anyone expect most Americans to be able to trust and have faith in our media? People are flabbergasted that people are not taking the warnings seriously and that they are not doing what the government and media recommend, but yet it has been many many years since the media could be trusted.
Even if you do not believe in Trump's claims of fake news, we have all read the ridiculous, overly sensationalized headlines, and then read the article only to find that the facts have very little to do with the headline, and in many cases, the headline is an outright lie or fabrication. When I was a kid, if it was on the 6 o'clock news, you could pretty much bet the farm that it was true. Yes, there were rag mags in the check out lanes at the grocery store, but the actual newspapers and local news was factual and you could be very confident that what they told us was the truth. But that is no more, and it hasn't been that way for a long time. Now, in addition to once reputable news sources flat out lying or exaggerating to make something more newsworthy, social media has brought with it a million new "news sources" that often are 110% bullshit.
We also just watched this past fall a president being put through the most ridiculous impeachment trial our country has ever seen. I really don't want to get political in here, but even if you are absolutely against the president and were in favor of the impeachment, you cannot deny that they have been trying to impeach and/or overturn the election results in any possible way they could since before he was even sworn in. Fine, you don't like him. Fine, you think he's a horrible president. But like it or not, our country has a system that has been in place for hundreds of years, and the people voted. Sometimes, your man loses.
But to completely declare that the system now no longer works for the first time in the history of our country just because you don't like the person who was voted in goes against everything this country stands for. So I'm sorry, but a lot of people have had a lot of good reasons to not initially trust the media and the government. When the media runs stories like "People (um, probably one person that whined about it) are outraged over blackface concerns and calling stores racist for selling black pumpkins", then yeah, I have no fucking faith that the media is capable of printing true stories or has the publics' best interest in mind. Even my 6-year-old daughter understands that when you cry wolf for years, suddenly no one believes you when you tell the truth.
So I am not really mad at my brother and sister-in-law for not coming, but I'm just so angry and stressed and worried about the future when our lives have been turned upside down in under a week, and I just wanted to give my baby a goddamn birthday party. Today I saw that Party City has now closed, so now I cannot even get the damn balloons I had ordered for Saturday.
Oh, by the way, last night I coughed. Which made me nervous, and so I coughed some more. Within 10 minutes I was coughing more and more, and I was certain my chest was burning some. But then I realized no, it was my heart racing. I was so damn nervous that I was coming down with this fucking virus, that my initial cough actually caused me to cough more....and then the more anxious I got, the more my heart began to race, which also made me cough because my heart racing was uncomfortable so my body decided I needed to cough to make it go away. I am not really concerned at all with getting this virus, but I am praying if I do get it, it's after Saturday so maybe at least 2 or 3 people will still come to her party. Once I started watching TV and getting my mind off it, I stopped coughing almost altogether, and my heart slowed down some. Today I feel perfectly fine and have no cough at all. Yeah, I have anxiety, but overall I consider myself to be a very mentally healthy person. So if all this stress and panic can cause my anxiety to raise so much that I actually made myself cough a lot for over an hour and for my heart to race for several hours, I cannot imagine what it is doing to people who have actual serious mental health conditions.
Ok, and now because I desperately need it, I will find some silver linings. 1) My dad and stepmom and stepsister are coming to the party. So if all else fails, I know they will be there to help my sweet girl celebrate. 2) If my job does shut down and I have very reduced hours or no hours at all, I will at least be able to spend more quality time with Emily. I also have a ton of home improvement projects and cleaning I can do. I'll have no income, but hey, maybe I'll finally have a clean basement!
3). My baby is the epitome of positivity and excitement. Despite not getting to go to school and see her friends, and not getting to go to swim class and not getting to go out to celebrate her birthday, and not having her dad or dad's side of the family at her party (they will presumably have their own party the following weekend and he is coming over on the day of her birthday to celebrate) she has not missed a beat of staying positive and happy. She is so damn excited about her birthday, despite all the changes, and I need to remind myself to try to take in some of her positive vibes. Some of it may just be the blissful ignorance of being a child, but you could give her a rock and she would be so appreciative and grateful to have received this wonderful rock. I love my baby so much and I will do everything in my power to keep her positive and to not let the uncertainty of our future scare her and cause her any stress.
Ugh, I need a drink. Luckily my wine cabinet is fully stocked.
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