It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Fun fact, this song (see title) was playing in my car as I arrived to my very first job interview when I was 16.  So fitting. 

So, 3 weeks home with the kids.  Awesome.  In the movie Signs, when Joaquin was watching the news, the male anchor finished up his report, and then said "May God be with you all".  They should have played that clip after the Governor announced that she was ordering all K-12 schools in the state to close for 3 weeks.

Oh wait I mean, I love Emily, I can't wait to spend that much time with her.....*crickets*.

Actually, it wouldn't be that bad if I didn't also have to work.  I really envy stay at home parents right now.  It wasn't for me long term, but it would be so much easier for the coming weeks.  It's so hard to expect an almost 6-year-old to entertain herself for 7 hours of the day, every day.  Understandably she gets bored and lonely.

Originally I was bummed that this damn virus and ensuing panic is messing up her birthday.  She won't get to celebrate at school, and I am worried about the plans we had for the day of being canceled due to closures.  But, at least my kid will have all new toys to play with as of next week.  Haha, what are all you suckers gonna do?  JK....sort of.

We got her the Nintendo Switch, and Super Mario Deluxe U.  I had better not hear the phrase, "I am bored" for a very very long time.  But, as of now the aquarium we want to take her to on her birthday is still open, and even if the restaurant we plan to go to closes, there are other restaurants we can go to I am sure, even if it's just take-out.

We're not having a huge party, just immediate family over for cake and ice cream, and I think everyone is grounded enough to be fine with coming to a gathering of fewer than 15 people without worrying that we'll all die.  I am also lucky that I have two sets of parents that can probably take her 1-2 days a week so that just leaves 3 days that I have to try to work with her home...and if need be, I CAN work some at night if she's having a particularly rough day of needing my attention.  I don't like to work at night, but it is at least an option.

So it's way easier for me than most people, and I am thankful for that.  I already work from home, and while I do go into the office twice a week, I can indefinitely work from home exclusively which is what I will be doing for the next 4 weeks at least (oh yeah, the day they are supposed to return back is the start of spring break, and they announced today they WILL be off for spring break).  But today I had a thought.  I can work anywhere so this doesn't affect me like it does some who have to go into work in order to do their job.  But, I have work to do from home, because other people (our therapists) go into the clinic to provide therapy to kids.  As of right now, our clinics are staying open.  But what happens if we do have to close and no clients are being seen?  How can they pay me, if they are not taking in any money?

I did read about the President trying to pass something to give paid time off to people who need it, but will it pass?  And if it does, how much will it be?  Paying bills isn't always so easy right now, not to mention if this paid time off is a fraction of what we usually make.  What if there are a bunch of stipulations that a bunch of people won't meet to qualify.  What if the mere fact that I do work from home disqualifies me, even if a shut down of our business leaves me with no work to do?

In some ways, I want to have blind faith that it will all work out, and we're all in the same boat more or less so it's not like this is only happening to a select few.  But it is still scary.  We were in a booming economy, the stock market was at all-time highs, and now I refuse to even think about looking at my IRA because I am too scared.  I won't even get into conspiracy theories because I feel like a complete whackadoo even considering them, but I'd be lying if I didn't say a lot of things have crossed my mind.

And the thing is, I am not scared of the virus at all.  I still don't believe it is anything to even worry about, much less shut the whole country down over.  But I am worried about the fall out from all this panic and the consequences of just mass hysteria.  It did make me feel a little better to go out and grab take out this evening...the roads are still full of cars, driving home from work, going to dinner, running errands....while Target WAS out of toilet paper and other essentials, people weren't running around the store like psychos, punching people over TP and hand sanitizer.  Emily's swim lessons are still on for tomorrow as of now.  My pedicure appointment for tomorrow is still on.  Most people agree that this is all insanity and nothing more than any other illness that unfortunately does in older people with health issues.

But, this is just the beginning.  On Wednesday, I literally felt zero anxiety over it all.  Yesterday, it went up a lot.  As people are out of work and school for a week or more, is the hysteria going to set in more?  Will there ever be toilet paper on the shelf again?  How long will it take our economy to recover from this?  It's just all scary, and it makes me so angry to think this could all be happening when the virus and the death rate does not warrant it.  I mean, anytime people die it's horrible.  But if this really is no different than the unfortunate cases of people who die from the flu every year, then it is really really fucked up that they're blowing it up to be so much bigger.  And as far as the actual virus goes for healthy, youngish people that get it, it doesn't even sound all that bad.  From what I am reading, the two upper respiratory infections I had in the last year sounds like they were way way way worse (in terms of feeling like absolute shit).

Ok, I'm done talking about it.  In better news, my premature post about Emily wearing underwear to bed was not jumping the gun.  She's worn undies to bed 24 nights in a row now and has only had one accident.  I'm soooo excited!  So maybe the money I save on Pull-ups now can be put toward the insane prices for toilet paper.  I always knew she'd be out of pull-ups one day....my favorite parenting advice is to remember that no kid ever went away to college still doing _______(insert thing you're struggling with).  But still, after 6 years of diapers and pull-ups, it's like an unreal dream come true to be done with them.  I still haven't returned the last package that was shipped to us...I'm still too nervous, lol.  But, I do still have a half a package and a still sealed package, so it's not like returning that one would leave us with NO pull-ups, thus temping the Gods, lol.

Well, at least I do get a break from Em every other weekend, and since this weekend was his, I've only got two weekends with her during this mess and he's got 3, so that worked out nicely.  Haha, I really do love my kid...honest!  But I love her even more after getting a short break from her.

It's also hard to think of her being out of school all that time since we've only been back to school for what, 3 weeks since winter break.  And, this week she was off Tuesday for primaries, yesterday was a half-day for Kindergarten Roundup, and she didn't go today.  So 4 weeks off, and she only went 2.5 days this week.  Plus a couple weeks ago there were those two days they called for snow when we barely had more than a dusting.  I bet they're real proud of themselves for making that call now.

Her school was actually open today, but I kept her home.  I really wanted to send her, but a part of me was worried there would be almost no one there and she would be freaked out and scared.  I am trying to minimize this as much as possible so she doesn't get scared, and so far she seems like she really doesn't give a shit about any of it, so that's good.  But I worried that if the school was 80% empty, that in and of itself would scare her, especially once she learned the school would be canceled for the next month.  Everyone online was freaking out that they were still open today and saying they weren't sending their kids but as it turns out it sounds like they still had a pretty good turn out considering.

But honestly, the main reason I did not send her....we had a tough day yesterday.  With trying to work while she was home in the afternoon, and then the rising anxiety of all this panic, and then being pissed off that we needed just a regular replenishment of TP but there is none anywhere because people are selfish assholes....I was not in a great mood yesterday, and she has been having a listening problem lately.  I have to tell her two, three, four times before she will listen, or I have to lose my shit and yell.

I am not a mom who feels bad for disciplining their child.  She's not listening and not doing what I tell her to do, or not do, and there are consequences.  But I do feel bad when I lose my temper and yell.  All night I was wracked with guilt over being such an out of control psycho.  Most of the time it just rolls off her back, and she's got a two seconds rebound rate before she's either not listening again, or climbing all over me and telling me how much she loves me.  So I'm probably being way too hard on myself and she's fine, but still, I worry that maybe this will be the time that I yell where she loses a little....I dunno, love?  Respect?  Trust?  I hate it, and I am working on not being a yeller, but on days like yesterday where a million things are piling on my shoulders, I don't always win against myself.

So anyway, with it being Ryan's weekend, I would have gotten her off to school, and he would have picked her up from school and had her till Sunday, and after feeling like shit all night about losing my temper, I just couldn't bear the thought of hugging her goodbye outside of school and not seeing her for two days.  Obviously, if today were a regular day, not on the verge of an apocalypse, I would have sucked it up and sent her to school, but today I used the excuse of "eh, their closing for 4 weeks, what's one extra day" so I could be with my baby and snuggle her.