Return to Zero premiered last night on Lifetime. I liked it, I thought it was very good and portrayed the nightmare well that loss parents go through. It made me very sad for the couples, like the director and his wife, who faced marital problems in addition to losing their baby. Ryan and I were very fortunate that we didn't face this, and our loss actually brought us closer and we got through it together.
There were several scenes that hit home with me. One of them being the birth of their angel son. At first they skipped over that part, but showed it later in the movie as a flashback. I was so glad they did, as the emotions and pain of holding their lost baby is one of the most powerful of the entire experience. Now I've never experienced a natural birth in a happy setting, but I would imagine there are a lot more doctors and nurses as they all have a job during delivery and once the baby arrives. But in the movie and for Kayla's birth, it was very quiet, and somber. It was just MH and and me, my doctor, the resident and a nurse. There was no noise except the doctor telling me I was doing great, and the doctors quietly communicating with each other. During this scene in the movie I had to get a sleeping Emily out of her swing and hold and hug her while I cried; I'm so so lucky to have her.
At one point in the film Minnie Driver's character said how she likes the pain of missing her son because it feels like she has a part of him. She fears the pain going away because then she'll be losing the last small part she has. I can easily identify with this....the pain was the worst and the best thing. I don't know how to describe it other than how she did. My heart will always hurt but not like it did when it first happened, and that makes me sad because I feel like she's slipping away from me.
In a very moving scene, Minnie was talking to her mother, and her mom revealed for the first time that she too had lost a baby. She didn't say how far along, but she said miscarriage so I am assuming it was in the first trimester. Minnie argued that a miscarriage isn't the same as a stillbirth and her mom said no, but they both take away the possibility of what could have been and that hurts exactly the same. I totally see both of their points. Whether early or late, it's still your child and it still hurts. A lot of people that haven't been through it don't understand why it is so upsetting. They think that if you cannot see, hear or hold the child, how can you be that upset over their loss? Like losing something you never had.
But the love for your child begins long before you give birth to them. But the loss of what will never be is the gut wrenching part. I wasn't supposed to not be pregnant anymore at 22 weeks. I was supposed to carry her for 9 months, I was supposed to give birth to her and take her home. I never got to do that. Despite getting to hold her and see her, it was nothing like had she been born alive and well.
Her skin was still pretty translucent and you could see the blood beneath the skin's surface. She was cold, and clammy, her eyes were closed and her head and face were bruised and purple all around her eyes and forehead. Her hands were no bigger than my thumbnail and her tiny body was hardly any weight at all. She was beautiful, and Emily has the same nose and mouth, but I will always wonder what Kayla would have looked like had she lived to full term. Emily will be 2 months tomorrow, how similar would Kayla have looked at that age? I drive by the elementary school often that Kayla would have gone too, and it kills me that there will never be a Kayla B. enrolled in Kindergarten there.....I'll never see her blow out candles on her cake, I'll never hear about her first crush and see her go on her first date. I'll never see her graduate from high school, or get married and have babies of her own. We didn't just lose a baby at 22 weeks gestation, we lost her entire future, and our future with her.
But I totally got Minnie's point as well; a miscarriage is not the same as a stillbirth. It's not a competition, of whose loss is worse than someone else's, but they are two very different things. Forgive the crude comparison, but a miscarriage is like breaking a bone, and a stillbirth is like cancer. They both hurt and are scary, they'll both affect your life for a long long time, but I think everyone could agree that being diagnosed with cancer is a completely different, life altering thing compared to a broken bone.
When the movie ended, there were hundreds of baby angels' names in the credits. I didn't think I had submitted it, but I paused it every few seconds to search the names for Kayla's. I was pretty sure I would remember submitting it, but I know I did sign a few petitions to get it made so there was a chance one of those included entering your child's name, but she wasn't on there. I googled it and found that you needed to submit it by April 1st with a donation of $250 which went to the upgrade of the quality of the movie and soundtrack. While that would have been so awesome to see Kayla's name, I'm not sure we would have done it had we known. That money isn't exactly pocket change for us, but had it been going toward stillbirth research, or maybe to help bereaved families pay for funerals we would have gladly paid it. And don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that this movie was made with very little funding...and if I am not mistaken, the actors worked for very little to make this movie happen. But for me personally, I would rather my money go toward people in need, rather than the movie. I'm so happy it was made and it's a very important thing to show. The silence needs to be broken around this topic and people need to see how painful it is to go through this, I just think there are people who can better afford to put that much money toward a project like that.
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