Well, yesterday since it's after midnight. Who says nothing good happens after 21, I have reached the rip roaring fun of advanced maternal age should we decide to try again. It's been on my mind a lot lately, which I shouldn't even be thinking about. I said we would wait until Emily is one before we made a decision....NOT that I am making any kind of decision right now, but it's like I keep trying to weigh the pros and cons in my head now and I totally should not be doing that.
But maybe if I yack about it here, I can stop thinking about it. So pros....another squishy baby. Emily is already growing so fast, she's 11.2 pounds now and according to my SIL no longer looks like a newborn :(. She's officially in 0-3 clothing now....some of her newborn still fit but they are hard to get on her and I would rather not struggle when she has clothes that are easy to get on, just for the sake of keeping her in newborn clothes a week or two longer.
It also makes me sad to think of never doing this again....never being pregnant again, never giving birth again (I know, call me crazy but mom-nesia and forgetting the pain has already set in). Plus since I would just have a repeat C section next time, I wouldn't have to go through that bullshit 32 hours of labor again, or being induced or having excruciating cervix checks. Another pro, Emily would have a sibling to grow up with, and having a shot at a boy would be fun though another girl would be fine by me. I also had a very successful pregnancy with no cervical shortening so there is a very good chance that another one would go well also with a cerclage. I've also always wanted at least two kids and it would be nice to not make Emily be that weird only child.
Ok on to cons....along with being high risk due to my loss history and gestational diabetes (I do hope to lose weight so this wouldn't be an issue, but that's not a guarantee I won't get GD again, and well, everyone knows how well intentioned plans to lose weight often go) I would also be AMA, making me at least 36 when I get pregnant and at least 36 going on 37 when I deliver. Even without the history there is always the chance of experiencing another loss and I am just not sure if I could handle another heartbreak, regardless of how early or late it may be. There is also the fact that it took a long time to get pregnant with my first pregnancy and with Kayla, so while Emily was quick, there is really no telling how long TTC would take again.
The kids would need to be very close in age, like I said we would pretty much have to start trying next March. For me, in an ideal world I'd love to have 3-5 years between kids, but at our age that just isn't possible, or at least it isn't possible for us because it is way out of my comfort zone. I am anxious about the idea of being pregnant and exhausted/sick while also taking care of a toddler, as well as taking care of a newborn with a toddler. Everyone I know with two or more kids, their life is utter chaos. The house is a mess, there is constant screaming and yelling and crying, they're always on the go because when this one doesn't have hockey or girl scouts or a friends birthday party, the other one has soccer or boy scouts or what have you.
One of my big fears about having kids was how much our life was going to change. I like a quiet house, I like an orderly house (despite being a rather messy person, I DO really enjoy a clean organized house), I like going out when and where we want to and I like relaxing in the evening and watching TV. So far, aside from poopy diapers and the occasional crying for no reason sleepless night, I am sometimes amazed at how much our new life resembles our old one. I put her back down after her morning feeding and I go back to bed so in addition to getting up often, I am still sleeping in most mornings. She is usually asleep somewhere by 9pm, I give her a last bottle at 11:30 but she's so sleepy that she goes right back to sleep afterward, I put her down and I can go enjoy some TV before bed. Lately she has been sleeping until at least 5am but the other night it was 6!
We still go when and where we want....Target, the grocery store....today she and I went shopping with my MIL, we had lunch, went to several stores and she just came along, happily sleeping in her stroller. She then went out to a nice restaurant with my husband, my brother and SIL and aside from the occasional coo and cry, she was perfect. Now I realize that will change in the coming months and years, but maybe having an only child just suits us better.
And finally, there is my irrational con. We got so lucky with Emily, my pregnancy was relatively complication free, I had an easy recovery from the C section, she's been a relatively easy baby and she is just absolutely perfect and healthy....I feel like trying again will tempt fate somehow. TTC is so stressful, first tri is so stressful, being high risk is extremely stressful. I prayed for three years for my baby and our prayers were finally answered. I got what I have wanted and I love her so much, so part of me is like, just be happy and blessed with the one we have here with us.
Ok, so I feel better now that I got that all out. Now hopefully I can just put it out of my mind and revisit the subject again in March. Maybe by then I will be perfectly content with just Emily and not be able to imagine going down that road again, or maybe the time will come and we will both decide our family is not yet complete and want to try for one more. I just hope the answer comes to me then and I am not still so up in the air in a year.
I'm going to end this entry on an exciting note. I got Emily's baptism gown today, it's just the cutest stinkin' thing ever and I bought myself a birthday gift....a Petunia PickleBottom diaper bag. It's soooo nice, I love it. I had a hard time rationalizing the price but I've began just carrying my wallet in the diaper bag so I don't have to carry two bags, so it's nice to have a pretty bag to carry. Eh, you only live once right?
No comments:
Post a Comment