Overwhelmed

While being sorry that it has happened to other people, it is of course nice sometimes to know you are not alone.  To know you are not the only person the universe picked to shit on and torture, to know someone else out there knows pretty damn close to exactly what you are going through.  But there are other times, like now the knowledge that others are hurting too is like the weight of the world.

I'll be glad when this week is over.  I think things are especially weighing on me because Friday is the 10th anniversary of mom's death.  My whole body, mind, and heart can feel it, so I am extra sensitive to all of the bad things in the world.  I said I got really sad over the loss mom who just experienced her second later loss, and just now I read an intro from a woman whose 3 year old daughter died last week.  I just have absolutely no idea how a person gets through that, I really don't.  Emily is 5.5 months if God forbid if anything happened to her I think I would curl up into a ball and just die.

I think I just feel too much for other people, I take in their grief and it becomes heavy.  Just knowing how much bad shit there is in the world just kills me.  And then, other people that keep adding to my grief and annoyances, some days I just want to scream.  My SIL is always yacking about how she wants twins, and how she can handle twins no problem.  Emily is an easy baby, like ridiculously easy, but there are days I cannot even fathom there being two of her.  She has no idea what she is talking about.  Being pregnant is hard, but being pregnant with twins is super hard I am sure.  Taking care of one newborn is hard, but two has got to be more than twice as hard.

I've always been annoyed by her twin talk because she is wishing for what is essentially a high risk pregnancy, to a woman who would kill to not be high risk.  About a month ago, I heard through the grapevine than an old co-worker and his wife had just lost their twins at 21 weeks.  I didn't know the details, but given the gestation and since it was twins, I am going to guess incompetent cervix.  So I sat down and wrote a long email to her and my brother, giving them some loving advice.  Basically the advice was, be very careful with Clomid, if you ever need it make sure it is given to you by a doctor who knows what they are doing.

I always knew twins were often premature, but I had no idea how common it was to lose them to IC even when the woman likely wouldn't have had IC with a singleton pregnancy.  I felt like knowing that and not passing the information on would be incredible wrong, especially if they ever did get pregnant with twins and lost them.  Like I knew something that could potentially save them some heartache had they known.  Neither one of them said anything about it.....well no, my SIL said wow thanks for the info, I'll read it more in depth later, but then never said anything more about it.

Well as it turns out, they're going to need some help getting pregnant.  I feel terrible for them, but it sounds like they are on board with their options, or at least as on board as they can be.  But just the other day she said again that she wonders if her doctor would try to promote twins through the avenue in which they have to use to get pregnant.  OMFG, do you not listen to a damn word I say?  I mean, I know it isn't up to me if they have twins or try for twins, but I'm not telling them twins could up their chances of the babies getting a cold, it could up their chances of their babies DYING!

As someone who has been through it, I don't want anyone to go through what I did if they just had enough information to try to avoid it.  Plus the fact that she just won't catch on to the fact that I don't want to hear her wishing for a high risk pregnancy.  It also bugs me why she wants twins....well, I don't really know if there is an unselfish reason for wanting twins....but her and my brother are older and it may be their only shot at having two kids.

Are you kidding me?  Would I like another baby?  Yes, sometimes I think I would.  Would I like to give Emily another sibling that she can have here on earth with her, yeah that would be nice.  But after struggling through IF and loss for three years, I am beyond thankful to have her.  That is much of why I am hesitant to have another.  I got what I wanted, I should quit while I am ahead.  For some people it makes sense to try for more, but for us I am not sure it does. 

My brother and his wife do not have any kids, and I am sad for them, and I pray that they get the chance.  But quit getting the cart ahead of the horse.  Wish for one happy baby, thank your lucky stars if you get it, and then worry about a second if the time comes.  Don't wish for a dangerous pregnancy just so you can get two for the price of one.  And while I am on the rant, I hate hate hate when people say they don't care what the sex of the baby is, as long as it's healthy.  I get what they mean, but I just want to say, and what if it isn't healthy, are you going to ask for a refund?

Ugh, I'm sad and angry tonight.  I'm going to feed my baby and hug her and thank my lucky stars for her and then go to bed.  Poor thing wasn't feeling too well today, she's a little constipated and/or teething.  She'd go from happy and laughing to crying and sobbing.  My poor sweet baby, I hate when she doesn't feel well.