I have a lot of babbling to do tonight, and most of the topics are not remotely related to one another. I just feel like talking and the cats look at me weird when I talk to them.
I was reading the message boards of an article about abortion. This was a bad idea, it made me angry. But anyway, I know there will always be others with opinions that differ from mine, and in case it was never obvious to my readers before, I am pro-life. So I get that there are lots of people in the world that are pro-choice, and we can go 'round and 'round until we're both blue in the face but likely neither of us will change our opinion.
But I am having troubles wrapping my brain around a woman who has experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, and still being pro-choice. The second the two pink lines popped up on the test, I was in love with my babies. Of course that love wouldn't be realized on a much deeper level until much later, but I was so happy. With my first, I never even felt anything. I had known for four days, I was only 4 weeks 2 days, I was a little tired but that was it. But when I realized it was over, my world came crashing down. I was devestated. So as a woman who has experienced loss, I just cannot fathom how someone could love their unborn child so much, and grieve so deeply for the life they only knew existed for four days.....but be perfectly fine with other women choosing to end the life of their unborn child. How can we love that "blob of cells" when we want the baby, but consider it ok to "undo" it when we don't want it?
I know that paragraph really opened a can of worms, but that's all I am going to say about it. I could go on and on about this topic, so I have to draw the line somewhere. While I am on the sad, depressing subject, a man in Georgia was accused of intentionally leaving his 22 month old son in the car and claimed he forgot to drop him off at daycare. I personally believe it is very possible to do this, and I wanted to believe this man, but police have now released reasoning behind why they are charging him with murder. It didn't say when he did this, but there was a search on his work computer for how long it would take an animal to die in a hot car. He was also seen leaving his office at lunch time to go put something in his car. Now, my car's backseat windows are tinted so it is very likely that if the carseat were still in there and I opened my front door to put something in, I wouldn't notice. But to me it seems off to leave your office to go PUT something in your car. To get something sure, but what was he putting in there that couldn't just go with him when he left work for the day? I think he was gong to check to see if he was dead yet.
I think they could also pretty easily determine from surveillance video and from his co-workers if going out to his car during the day was something he often did. Granted, doing it this one and only time doesn't make him a murderer, but combined with everything else, it doesn't look good for him.
So then I was reading an article about why it is possible to forget your child, and cases of people whom authorities believe did honest to God just forget. Like I said, it sounds to me like this guy did it on purpose, but I really do believe it's very possible to legitimately forget. I've never come close to it so far, but I've done enough hairbrained, potentially dangerous things in the three short months I have been an acting mom (since I've been a mom since Kayla was born, but never had to do this stuff for her). Twice now, yes twice we have driven at least 20 minutes or more with Emily not strapped into her carseat. Both times it was because she was covered with a blanket, and at this age when you're not holding her and you're out, say at a restaurant, where does she go, in the carseat. It seems uncomfortable and unnecessary to keep her buckled in while we eat a meal, but then we run the risk of forgetting to do it later. In fact not only did I not notice, but neither did the FOUR other adults I was with. My dad said he noticed she wasn't buckled in when we left the restaurant, but then he put her in the car, and we chatted with my brother for a few and then we left and we all forgot. And had the worst happened, had we gotten into an accident and it was known she wasn't buckled in, the judgers would have come out of the woodwork, calling me a horrible mom, sitting on their high horses, supposedly never having made a mistake. I know because I used to be them. Motherhood is very humbling, having Emily has made me so much less judgemental because I see how easy it is to mess up and overlook things. Just the other night we were that couple I would have judged so hard.
We went to Ryan's 5K that didn't start till 7:30....just 30 minutes before her bedtime. So here it was, going on 9pm, it was getting dusk out, people were drinking, the band was playing and here we are with our 3 month old baby, selfishly enjoying a night out when we should have been home putting her to bed. I would have judged us SO hard back before I had kids....now, hey, it happens. Ryan wanted the support, for us to come out and cheer him on. We are not out that late every night, hell we aren't even out that late once a month with her, but it did happen that night.
We are lucky, that not only are our parents kind enough to watch her all day while we're at work, but we have built in insurance that we could never forget to drop her off without them calling saying hey, where the hell are you? I call my dad every morning between 6:50 and 7am to tell him we are on our way, and I am at his house no later than 7:15, so if it ever got to be even 7:30 without hearing from me, he would be calling, wondering where his little cutie pie is. Ryan now takes Emily to his parents house on Mondays so that I can play tennis after work without having to pick her up or worrying about whose going to watch her if Ryan isn't off work yet. I suspect it would be all too easy to go about your day to day routine and forget when you aren't normally the one to drop off. I even told my MIL, he starts work at 7, if he should ever not be at your house by then with her, please call him.
Not that I don't trust HIM, I just think it is very possible to do. And I can't figure out why it hasn't become law yet that daycares are required to call if a child who is scheduled to be at daycare that day doesn't show. If a simple phone call could prevent a horrible death and tragedy, why not? When I worked at a daycare, every staff member was assigned to 2 or 3 kids, and if there was ever an emergency like a fire or what have you, you were responsible to get your assigned children to safety. So why not apply that same practice to drop offs? I'm sure if you are the head teacher of 20 some kids at daycare, it may be hard to remember that Johnny comes MWF, so you may not notice one Wednesday if he doesn't show up. But if you are personally assigned to Johnny and Sarah who come MWF and Ava who comes on T and Th, you'd notice if one of your three assigned kids doesn't come on the day they're supposed to.
Reading the article was really hard...the idea of something happening to Emily is my absolute worst fear. I can feel the fear in my cheat, it hurts to think about it. So the idea of accidently being the cause of that bad thing is just unthinkable. I cannot even fathom being the reason my child died. The article said the one man tried to wrestle the gun out of the officers hands at the scene of his child's death when they were discovered in the car, apparently attempting to take his own life. I've never thought of ending things, but if it was my fault my baby died....well let's just say I could imagine why someone would want to do that.
Whew, this is a horribly horribly depressing entry, so I'm going to talk about something else now. Emily's now in the bigger girl portion of the baby tub. The tub itself has a small newborn insert so the baby is facing you when it's put inside the bigger baby tub, but today she kept kicking her legs, so I decided it was time to turn the insert lengthwise so she had more leg room. She was all smiles during her bath tonight. Oh my God, nothing makes me happier than Emily smiles. Well, the smiles went away once she was out and it was lotion time. I need to find her some thicker, cushier towels, the ones she has now just aren't cutting it to keep her warm enough when she gets out.
We also discovered a way for her to enjoy tummy time more. We roll up a towel and put it under her chest. This gives her some lift so she can look around, and then she is more willing and capable of lifting her head up even more. Today she got up on her knees during tummy time....I think I will both cheer for joy, and cry when she starts crawling. My little baby is growing up so fast already.
Next week we were supposed to go for our first camping trip at a campground, but our family reunion is also next weekend. We had decided to skip it because of camping, but I was pretty sad about it. I knew everyone would be dissapointed that we (Emily) wouldn't be there and the family reunion weekend is always fun. The reunion, eh not as much, but us and my cousns and sometimes some aunt and uncles usually go out afterward, either into town or to the go-karts. I'm sure grandpa and grammy would be more than happy to put Emily to bed so we could go out that night.
And my brother and SIL are taking their bikes and are going to try out the new bike trail....I'd love to do that. So we decided to cancel the camping and go up north instead. We'll still be in our camper, just in a different place. We'll have about 3.5 days there, and I got to thinking it might be kind of boring just us at a campsite for 3.5 days. With Em being so little, there isn't much we could do and we'd have no babysitters there.
Plus since Michigan legalized the big fireworks for holidays, my husband put on a really cool fireworks show last year at my dad's place, so that would be fun to do again this year. I'm pretty excited, it will be Emily's first family vacation. However it's too bad we brought our camper back to this side of the state last month, if we had known we'd be going to the reunion we could have left it there and brought it back with us this time, now we have to haul it up and back. Oh well. At the reunion I'll have to make sure to snatch Emily back from all the prying hands at least a couple of times. After her baptism I didn't have her or really even see her for the rest of the afternoon because everyone else was holding her all day. That evening she just passed out from exhaustion and being overwhelmed by the day. I don't mind if people hold her, and it gives me a nice break, but I should get her back at least twice and find someplace quiet to feed her and maybe get a nap in. Even babies need some down time.
Speaking of grandparents and safety, we need to have the uncomfortable pool discussion with my inlaws. They do not have any kind of fence around their pool, and my niece and nephew have gotten in trouble many times for being too close to the pool when they weren't supposed to be. It kind of baffles me actually. My inlaws are amazing, safety conscious loving grandparents. They have had 6 other little ones in their house over the years and I am very surprised they've never thought to put up a fence. I'm even more surprised that my SIL never insisted on it when her children were smaller and being watched by them.
Of course it isn't an issue now, but once Emily becomes mobile, we'll insist on at least a gate to the deck entrance, and worry about the rest of it once she gets tall enough for it to be an issue. I mean, I guess people just think they'll do a good enough job watching them. But if she's over there being watched by them often, eventually the novelty will wear off and they won't want to just stare at her all day. They put her down for a nap, they go downstairs to throw in a load of laundry and in just minutes she could be up, outside and in the pool. Even if we're just over there visiting, tragedy can strike in the blink of an eye. People tend to feel safe at family functions because they assume with so many adults around, nothing bad could happen. But this one thinks the other one is watching, and people get busy and distracted and suddenly kiddo gets into the pool. I hope it doesn't become an awkward issue, because if a gate isn't put up, she won't be staying over there for long periods of time, end of discussion. But, since the pool should be a fun thing, I'm excited to go over there Saturday to take her swimming for the first time. They are on vacation so I don't have to worry about wearing a suit in front of anyone else. Eh, my SIL might join us, but we're pretty equal in the "doesn't enjoy wearing bathing suits" category.
In other good news, I may be quitting my job very soon. I was going to try to hold out a couple of months, and my goal was to be out of there by December which is our super busy time, but I want out now. My actual job isn't bad, once I am there it's ok. In fact it makes me feel kind of important and independent, and that I will miss a little. However I like being a wife and a mother just as much, if not more. I hate the constant go go go. On Monday I only got to see Emily for 30 minutes. Thirty minutes for the whole day! And that was in the morning when I fed her before I got ready for work. Ryan was just getting home with her as I was literally pulling out of the driveway to go to tennis so I only saw her for a minute, and she was in bed by the time I got home. But even on regular nights, I get maybe a good 2.5 hours with her.
That's just not enough. No matter how much I like my job, it cannot make up for the fact that I want to be with my daughter, and I want to have time and energy to cook healthy meals instead of getting take out all the time, and I want to have time to clean my own house, not have to hire people to do a crappy job and break my things. Plus I will never get a chance to get into online teaching if I don't quit. Online teaching isn't like any other job where I get that job, then I can quit this one. I'll likely have to work for several schools in order to get enough classes to make it work, which could take quite a while. I have no time for anything as it is, let alone time to work an additional job.
While online teaching would be great since I could work from home and be with Emmy, it's not the only reason I would do it. I think I would really enjoy it. I loved school, but the stress and time commitment plus working was too much. Besides I have my masters, there isn't much else I could do besides another bachelors or masters in another subject, or go for my doctorate which I have no desire to do. So I think I would really enjoy online teaching. Ryan and I still have to talk it over more, but I am really hoping to be able to give my notice soon, and make my last day July 25th. Every time I have a meeting and we discuss future projects and plans, I can't help but giggle to myself, thinking this is pointless, I don't plan on being here much longer.
It will be an adjustment, and I will be lying if I said I am not apprehensive about it at all. I've worked, sometimes two jobs at a time, since I was 16 years old. Up until my leave last year, the longest time I had ever had off work in almost 20 years was a week's vacation. Even my maternity leave, maybe the reason I enjoyed it so much was because I knew it had an end, I had to go back to work. What if once I am off every day, all day with no end in sight, I get bored and lonely? What if the online teaching thing doesn't work out and I have to go back out into the work force after being out of the routine for a whole year? I'm leaving a good stable job, with good insurance (we'll be proud owners of an Obamacare plan if I quit) with a GOOD company that I've been with for 9 years. I've got seniority, I've got experience, I'm fully vested in my 401K and profit sharing plans....what if it's all a huge mistake?
It could be, but I have to give it a try. I think I would really enjoy being a stay at home mom, and I'd still have some independence and goals if teaching works out. Plus I am too antsy of a person to sit home all day and get bored. I'm not saying Em and I would never have lazy days sometimes, but I know we'd be out running errands, going for walks and doing projects around the house. I'm dying to get that basement cleaned and organized. And even if it doesn't work out and in a year I have to go back out and find a job, I don't think I could ever regret this time home with Emily. She'll only be this little once, and life is too short to miss out on it. I'll never get those hours back, and she only has one first step, one first word. Wish me luck!
No comments:
Post a Comment