My husband's friend and his wife had their baby the other day and there is some crazy shit going on in my head. I can't help but feel jealous for some reason. It's not because they have a tiny newborn....I mean that would kind of make sense because Em isn't teeny tiny anymore and she's growing so fast. In some ways I miss the newborn days, but in some ways I don't. I don't miss the sleepless nights where she just cried all day and all night, I don't miss feeling like a zombie who would kill for just 10 minutes of uninterrupted worry free sleep. I don't miss worrying about her all.the.time because she was so teeny (not really, she was almost a 9 pounder but still) I thought she would just die in her sleep at any moment. I don't miss smelling all the time because of the bleeding, hormone induced B.O and being covered in spit up all the time.
Yes I get a little sad that she's growing so fast, but I really love this stage. She sleeps through the night, she eats well, she smiles all the time now, she's a good baby in public, she rarely cries for the hell of it anymore and I am just in awe of how quickly she learns new things. So I guess my jealousy comes from the fact that everything seemed easy for her.
They got married a year ago today, they quickly got pregnant and boom, they're parents a week before they even celebrate their first anniversary. Plus she is AMA (and 4 years older than me) and overweight, but had to my knowledge a rather complication free pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish infertility or loss on anyone. I feel terrible for even thinking these things and even worse for putting them in writing, but I guess your feelings are never wrong or bad, it's your actions that count.
I just still really struggle with the unfairness of it all and the anger. I went to visit my daughter's grave yesterday....why do I have to do that, when other people get everything they want so easily? She said in a facebook post that she feels very blessed that God allowed her to become a wife and a mother in just a short year. So I guess God decided I wasn't worthy of those things? In many ways I feel luckier. Not only do I have my precious Emily, but after the long road of pain I know just how lucky I am to have her, and I feel like I am way less prone to take her for granted than parents who got their children so easily. Not saying I love her any more or I am a better mother, but when you know how painful life can be, it helps you appreciate those wonderful moments so much more.
It's just hard to feel these pangs of envy because I feel like they mean I am not happy for them, but I am. I feel like it means I wish they had gone through some sort of pain, but it doesn't. I don't wish pain on anyone, but I guess maybe instead of not being happy for them, I am just a little sad for me that we had to go through what we did.
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