I survived my first full week of work, I went back
last Friday. My first day back was ok, but I missed Em like crazy and
it was really hard to leave her. My stepmom had her that day since my
dad had to go up north to celebrate his mom’s
90th birthday. When I got to work I saw that my desk was
decorated, they were throwing me a shower. That was nice, I thought they forgot or just weren't doing anything. I was talking to my friend about it and she said she was afraid I would think that, but she said our boss claimed he talked to me about it and I said I didn't want anything before hand. Such a lie, he never said anything to me. But maybe he was too uncomfortable to bring it up. I get it, I'm sure nobody knew, but I just wish someone had said, hey we'd like to do something for you but we'd like to wait till she's here. That would have been FINE, but the way they did it, I'll be honest, I was hurt, thinking they were just ignoring it.
I had decided to make the day easier by not
having to pack food the night before, so I got a bagel
and hot chocolate on my way for breakfast, and had planned on going out
for lunch, but they did a potluck for my shower. It was nice, the food
was yummy and we got a bunch of Babies R Us gift cards. So now I can
go get her a jumperoo or exersaucer or whatever….I
can’t decide between those, or a walker. I’m trying to find whatever
takes up the least amount of space, and looks the most fun. I wanted to
get her that jumper thing you put in the doorway, but Ryan had a good
point that she’ll want to be out in the living
room with us. Jumping and staring at the blank wall isn’t much fun,
and none of the doorways in the living room could support it.
Maybe I can drag him there one of these days and
pick one out. She’s getting so much better with holding her head up, so
she should be able to go in one soon. So for my first day back, my
boss said I could just check my email and get
organized. I had about 500 emails to go through, and my desk was all
packed up in boxes since they had new carpet installed. So it was an
easy day, didn’t have to do anything, and when I got home it was the
weekend! But this week has been a different story.
Leaving her every day has been really tough, in the morning I just want
to snuggle her forever. Going to my dad’s isn’t too far out of the
way, but it does add almost two hours to my commute round trip. I used
to leave for work around 7:30 and get home at
5:30, but now I have to leave around 6:45 and get home around 6:30. Plus traffic has stunk lately.
So in addition to missing her, I just feel so
frazzled. I can’t get up and feed her and go back to bed, I have to get
ready for work. I work all day, deal with traffic, go get her, attempt
to cook dinner, eat dinner, clean up, get her
ready for bed and some nights a bath, get my lunch/her diaper bag/my
clothes/pumping stuff ready for the next day, I shower at night now so
Ryan and I don’t fight over the shower in the morning, and then she gets
one last bottle around 11:30
and then I fall
into bed. This is not a life, I am not enjoying this at all. I know a
lot of people work and have kids and it’s necessary for us both to work
as well, but there has got to be more to life than this. I can only
enjoy life on the weekends? It really stinks.
I have had no time to clean the house, pizza got ordered last night
because it took forever to get her settled when I got home yesterday so I
didn’t feel like cooking dinner when I was done. Somedays I enjoy
having a routine again….I can eat much better when
I am up early enough to eat breakfast plus all my snacks and other
meals. It’s kind of nice to wear real clothes again instead of yoga
pants and flip flops every day. Yeah I can wear real clothes at home,
but am I going to? No. And it’s nice to be around
other adults and have conversations…Emmy isn’t much of a
conversationalist yet. But other than that, I miss being home.
Call me simple, but I like spending my days
cleaning the house, running errands, cooking dinner and taking care of
Em. I LOVE being a mommy. I was not at all prepared for how much I
would enjoy it. I’ve always wanted kids, but a part
of me has always been hesitant. Worried about how much my life would
change, worried about not knowing what to do, and most of all, worrying
that I just wouldn’t have that bond with my kids. This sounds bad, but
I’d see a kid out in the mall or something
and think yeah they’re cute, but I couldn’t imagine feeling that deep,
unbreakable love for this kid that would make me enjoy cleaning up their
messes and committing to this job for the next 80 years. But it’s all
so different when it’s your kid. There is
no baby on earth that’s cuter than my Emily, I don’t mind wiping up her
dribble or changing her poopy diapers. I get a kick out of everything
she does and I think she is so amazing. You really have no idea how
strong the love is for your child until your
child is here.
She isn’t napping well at my dad’s. She isn’t a
fabulous napper anyway….she is if I just let her fall asleep wherever
and whenever, but if I actually try putting her down she won’t sleep.
So I guess with being a new environment and a
new schedule, and because my dad probably holds her all day and won’t
let her just fall asleep on her own, I come home to a cranky little baby. She’s also getting up
earlier. She used to go back to sleep after
her 6am
bottle until about 8 or 9, but now, try as I might I cannot get her in
her carseat in the mornings without waking her. I send her to my dad’s
in her jammies so I don’t wake her up to dress her, but once she’s in
the carseat she’s wide eyed and awake.
So not napping well + getting up earlier = cranky and crabby. But
hopefully after a few more days the newness of watching her will wear
off and my dad will let her be for a bit and let her fall asleep. And
maybe she’ll sleep better once she gets used to
going to grandpas every week day.
My dad is so cute with her.
Everything she does is amazing, she’s so smart, she’s so strong. He
tells me the same stories over and over again. He is such a proud
grandpa. It’s also cute the stuff he messes up. He hasn’t
had a little one in the house in 35 years, so he’s a bit rusty. The
other day I came home to find her diaper on backwards, she’s always in
different clothes than what I send with her because she spits up too
much or he spills on her. Yesterday he didn’t
put the little ring back in the Avent nipple and half the bottle leaked
all over her. He called me the other day to find out how to get her
carseat out of the car. And she keeps wetting through her clothes
because he isn’t changing her often enough. He
keeps trying to feel for wetness, but these new diapers are so
absorbent you can’t really tell, so I clued him in to the color changing
strip. He’s getting it though, he’ll learn through his mistakes. He
was a great dad, so I think he’ll be an even better
grandpa. He certainly thinks the sun rises and sets on her.
A little off topic and random, but I’ve often
wondered if I didn’t really need to get my SUV, if I was just like all
the other idiots who run out and buy an SUV because they have one kid.
But after spending the day with my MIL on Saturday,
I see my car was worth every penny. Her stroller is fairly small but
it was still a struggle to get it into the trunk, it just barely fit.
And having to bend over to get her carseat in and out of the car is not
easy at all and trying to change her on the
sloped seat in the back was no easy task. But her stroller is so easy
to get into the back of my Equinox, I can get her carseat out in a
natural standing position and using the back end when I have no place
else to change her is so simple. So glad to have
proven my purchase to be a good one.
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