Yesterday's mail.....

was a package of sample formulas.  And the hits just keep on comin'.  I need to stop getting the mail.

I have been feeling pretty crappy the last few days.  The pain is always there, but I am sure other loss moms can relate to the "sort of better" feeling you go through after a while.  You always love and miss your baby, but you eventually reach a point where you can function most days.  You maybe don't cry everyday anymore, you feel a little bit like your old self and you can smile and laugh most days.

This has been me pretty much since my second week back to work.  I feel human again, I don't cry much anymore.  I will always miss her, but I am in a better place.  But this past weekend I feel like I went backwards.  My heart was heavy all weekend, I felt blah, I have nothing to look forward to, the guilt came back full force and I had a good cry Saturday night.

In a strange way, I welcomed it.  I know it is necessary to move forward and nobody wants to be in pain forever.  But moving forward also made me sad.  I didn't want to feel like I was doing ok; how could I be?  I don't want to feel like that everyday, but it makes me feel like less of a terrible mom when I can feel the grief again and shed tears for my daughter.

I think my relapse is due to the fact that this Saturday would have been my shower.  I have such an overwhelming feeling of the fact that I have nothing to look forward to, and I think that is because I should have a ton to look forward to.  My shower would have been great, and then of course next month she would have been here.  I think I will feel a lot better once Saturday passes....at least until my due date approaches.  I went through this a lot when my mom first died.  For the first anniversary, my anxiety and sadness increased well before the actual anniversary.  I knew all of the dates of when she went in the hopsital, so even though she died on September 5th, I thought of the last two weeks of August as when my hell really began.  So that first year I started feeling the effects of the impending anniversary in late July.  But as each year that went by, the amount of time that I was anxious over the anniversary got shorter and shorter.

I'm also feeling weird about this cycle.  I am excited and optimistic, but also nervous.  It would have been nice to have gotten pregnant last cycle, but I was also ok if I didn't.  But this cycle is different, I forsee being very upset and let down if it doesn't happen this cycle.

I'm also feeling very impatient.  I used to kill for a regular 28 cycle, so even if you get a BFN, you had another shot to try again the very next month instead of waiting months on end, never knowing if you will O or not.  So here I am, I had a perfect 28 days cycle last month, and I am so impatient.  I still have another week before I can start using OPKs.  I need to cool my jets though and just be thankful my body is cooperating for now, and hope I get pregnant again before it decides to stop.