I feel human again

I got my hair cut today and I am so happy to feel pretty again.  When Jacquelyn  first took me back she was all smiles, I think expecting to hear that I had my baby.  So she asked how I was and I said not so good, we lost our baby.  I got choked up....it was really kind of the first time I had to tell anyone.  I told some people via text or instant messenger, facebook told the majority of people and friends and family spread the news.  I did have to tell HR, but that was over the phone.  I believe this was the first time I told someone in person, who had no clue what had happened.

I almost started crying but I pulled it in.  She said she was so sorry and she gave me a hug and asked what happened.  So the worst was over, that was the part I was dreading.  She did say a few things that stung a bit...saying that she firmly believes that everything happens for a reason and God has his reasons for everything He does.  That's great if she believes that, but I don't and it doesn't help me.

The problem with that theory is that it implies blame.  Why would God do this to us if it weren't some sort of punishment?  Even going to the other end of the spectrum, to the idea that God did that  it to spare us, or spare her from future suffering.  I've said it before, that makes no sense.  Plenty of people suffer in the world, you cannot kill them all to spare suffering down the road.  It's like cutting off your nose to spite your face.  They say losing a child is the worst pain a person can experience in their life....why would God put me through this pain now, to save me or us some other pain down the road.  That makes no sense.  Here I gave you all this pain, to save you from pain?  Um.....

Or the idea that God took her because it "wasn't the right time".  Well if it wasn't the right time, then why did He allow it to happen in the first place?  Even if this were THE possible worst time in the world for us to have a child, then why do teenagers have babies?  Why are babies given to people who beat and torture them?  Doesn't seem like the right time for them to have a kid.  I read a story the other day, about what a woman allowed her boyfriend to do to her 4 month old daughter.  It's so vile and disgusting I can't even type the words, but yet God took my baby because it wasn't the right time, or we would't be good enough parents?

I get what Jacquelyn was saying in a way....I often try to find the good things in life, the silver lining.  I often have experienced a bad thing, only to realize later on it was a blessing in disguise.  Like that break up that you thought you would never surivive, only to meet the love of your life years later.  That house you were out bid on, only to find your dream home months later.  That job you were forced to quit, and go on to find an even better job you never would have persued if you were still at the job you thought you were comfortable at.  Those are all things that have silver linings to be revealed later, those are things that happen for a reason.

But days, weeks, months or years from now, I will never, EVER look back and say, "well I am glad our baby died because life is so much better than if she were here".  Yes it will be a very strange feeling, once we have our rainbow and we are head over heels in love with them and cannot imagine our life without them....it will be a hard pill to swallow, and deal with the knowledge that that precious baby that we love and adore wouldn't be there if Kayla was.  We can't have both, and it will hurt to know that if Kayla had lived, we won't someday have the baby we'll have.  But no matter how much we will love our rainbow, we will never be happy that Kayla died.  Even though we cannot have them both in the same lifetime, there will always be enough room in our hearts to love them both.

But, I am more forgiving of people when they say things like that, when they didn't have a lot of time to absorb the news and respond.  I've also noticed I have a harder time being mad when someone I like says something hurtful.  Err....I can still be mad, but I would have a harder time confronting them or telling them what they said doesn't help me, than if it were to come from someone I don't like.  I daydream of someone I dislike, saying something stupid, and catching me in the right mood so I can rip into them.  Of course it's not often that I can actually respond in a way I want to at the time, as seen when that asshat at work was shocked that we named our daughter.

So the good news of the day, my OPKs were getting a little darker last night and this morning, and both the wondfo and digi were positive this afternoon.  However oddly enough, they were both negative this evening.  I only have three other cycles as reference, but my surge in those cycles lasted almost 48 hours, so I am really confused that this one would only last around 6 hours or less. 

ETA: Well my OPKs (both wondfo and digi) were both positive again at 11p last night.  I have no idea what was up with the negatives earlier.  This morning the wondfo was super duper positive, lol....meaning it was clearly a blazing positive before a minute was even up on the timer.  I'm a happy girl :)