One down, one to go

Today was much better.  And it's Friday!  I am all manicured and pedicured....in a few I have to go touch up my roots because we're getting family pics done with the inlaws tomorrow.  I am a little sad that we won't have a baby in our arms, but that just means we'll have to go get them done again when we do.  My dad wants to have pics done this fall, so maybe I'll be pregnant and have a little tummy for those pics.

I'm going to go off on a tangent for a minute and say, I really loved being pregnant.  Like not just because it was supposed to result in a baby, but I loved my little tummy.  I loved how I felt walking around because I am certain I had that glow.  I loved when people would look at me because they knew I was pregnant.  Since I went into the pregnancy at a much higher weight than I wanted to, I worried that I would never get the cute bump, that I would always just look fat, but then even fatter than usual.

But by 16-18 weeks my non-baby belly started poking out into the cutest little round baby belly.  I loved it....I am so glad I took the weekly pictures.  It's still too painful to look at them now, but I will always cherish them, knowing my little girl was in there.  On a sad note though, in the days after delivery I still felt what felt exactly like kicks.  My doctor said they were likely psychosomatic and other women agreed that they felt them too after delivery.  Well here I am, almost three months later and I am still feeling them.  They no longer feel like actual kicks, but the flutters you get when you just start feeling movement.  I hate them because they make me sad, knowing it's not my little pumpkin making that feeling.

But it also worries me....what if they never go away?  When I get pregnant again, am I going to still feel them?  How will I know if I am feeling real kicks or whatever these are?

So anyway, I survived seeing my nail lady.  One down, one to go....I see my hair stylist tomorrow.  I hadn't seen either one since we lost Kayla, so I was really nervous to go in and have to tell them or talk about it.  I wasn't as nervous about seeing Kristin....we hadn't talked much about the fact that we were TTC, and the last time I went I did tell her I was pregnant but it was a quick congrats and then we moved on to something else.  So I was pretty confident if I didn't say anything, she wouldn't either.  I've been going to her for a few years now, so she likely remembered that I was pregnant last time, but since I didn't say anything, nether did she.  Maybe she saw my tattoo and put two and two together....though it's not obvious it's a memorial tattoo.

When I told her how far along I was last time (20 weeks) she said, "so into the safe zone".  So maybe she has experience with loss, and when I didn't say "I had a baby"! when she asked what was new, maybe she figured it didn't end well.

Tomorrow is the appointment I am really nervous about though.  I've been going to Jacquelyn for years as well, but she and I talked about our TTC all the time.  She knew how long we had been trying, that we were having troubles, about our first loss, etc.  The last time I saw her I was 18 weeks, just a few days before we found out the sex and she was bummed I hadn't come in the weekend after so I could tell her what I was having.  So I am certain she will remember and it will come up since we talked about it so much.  I told her I was due in July, but by now I am sure she has forgotten exactly when I was due.  So when she sees me tomorrow she'll likely assume I already had her.

I really don't mind talking about it, and I am happy to educate people on loss....she even had a loss, around 11 weeks I think.  But I am just nervous about that first minute of seeing her.  I'm worried she'll have a huge smile on her face and be like, so what did you have?  And then have to say that we lost her.  The stupid part is, the part that makes me really nervous is when you first break the bad news, and having to deal with THEIR discomfort.  I shouldn't be worried about it, but their discomfort makes me uncomfortable.  But yet if she says nothing at all, that will be awkward too, though I am sure that won't happen.  Maybe I'll just bite the bullet and tell her right off if she doesn't say anything about it to break the ice. 

So my temp dropped this morning and FF took my CHs away.  I was sort of happy about that, maybe I'll still O soon and have a shot this month.  But despite having missed the FW had I Od on Monday, Oing early and missing the window is better than not Oing at all.

I know it's still early, it's only CD16.  There is still plenty of time to O.  But with my history of only Oing once in a blue moon, I am really nervous that my body will go back to his shenanigan ways and stop working.  So by CD16 I am already freaking out.  My OPK tonight was still very far from positive, but it looked, kinda sort of maybe a little darker than previous ones.  Or maybe it's just wishful thinking.  I also had a little bit of EWCM so I am hoping that's a good sign.  I know you can have it at any time in your cycle and it's not a really reliable sign, but I am not prone to getting much.  So maybe having it now is a good sign that I'll O in the days coming up.

This is so incredibly random, but we're watching The Princess Bride and I absolutely love this clip.  Wesley doesn't do much for me, but I always thought he was so sexy in this clip.