Support group

I skipped the support group again.  A few days ago I had decided that I really thought I was going to go.  Especially since I had been having a hard time with my would-be shower last weekend and my due date coming up, and what that ass face at work said.  But today I just didn't want to go.  It's not because I don't like the people or I don't feel comfortable....they're all really nice and last time I felt very comfortable right away....I even really enjoy talking about Kayla, esspecally with a bunch of people that understand what I am going through.

I can't really pinpoint why I don't want to go.  Part of it is because I would get home pretty late...once I get off work I just want to be home.  But that's not even all of it.  I guess the bigger question than why I don't want to go, is why I feel so guilty for not going?  It's like, I feel like I SHOULD be going, so when I don't I feel bad.  But why do I feel like I should go?

I saw my therapist last night....I really enjoy going there.  He's very easy to talk to and I've been going to him for like four years, so he knows me and he can use my past experiences to help me with this.  Like last night, he was saying how as crappy as it is that I've been through it before, he sees that my experience with grief is helping me.  I know what to expect, I know why I am feeling certain ways.

I always feel so much better after a therapy session, so it's not like I am not doing anything to work through my grief.  And I post on the bump's loss board when I need to.  I can't go to the support group for the next two months anyway because it's always on a Wednesday and starting next month I have tennis on Wednesdays.  So at least for the next two months I won't have to feel guilty about not going, and then maybe come September it won't really be on my mind.  Or maybe I'll decide by then that I really do want to go.

I'm feeling pretty blah about this cycle right now.  My OPKs are still very negative.....meaning the line is super light.  I know OPKs are either positive or negative, but I am pretty sure I have a fade in pattern so I am pretty discouraged that they don't even look close to being positive soon.  Today is CD14...last cycle I got a positive OPK on CD16 and they had started to get darker by now.  I know not every cycle is the same, and I could very easily start getting darker ones tomorrow or the next day, but until then I am just going to be very nervous.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, I am worried that after two cycles of Oing, my body will just decide to go back to its old ways.  Fingers crossed that I get a positive soon.