So while I have a few spare minutes, I'll try to get in some of her birth story. My induction was scheduled for Tuesday morning, the 18th at 6am. I didn't sleep great the night before, but better than I expected, and was happy to hear they had a bed for me when I called to confirm at 4am. So once we got to triage, they checked us in and a nurse showed us to our labor and delivery room. I had a pang of sadness when we walked by our old L&D room and there was an angel sign on the door. I felt instant heartbreak for that family, knowing the long road of hell they had just began.
So I was happy to see that our room was the opposit layout from our old room, so the deja vu wasn't too bad. Once I got changed and in bed, my nurse came in and started the IV and all that fun stuff. Around 8:30 a resident came in and checked me and I was still only dilated to 1 like I had been for weeks. I was hoping I had made some progress on my own, but wasn't surprised that I hadn't. So they put in the first miso tablet around then and I napped for a while, hoping it would work it's magic.
Just like during her NST's, her heartrate got pretty high at times so they kept coming in to have me roll from side to side to see if we could get her heart rate lowered. That was a pain because it was hard to roll over, and then they had to keep repositioning the monitor everytime they rolled me. Apparently an infection is a possible reason for her high heartrate, but since I didn't have a temperature they weren't too concerned about that. Around 1pm they said I should order lunch and they took me off the monitors and suggested I walk the halls for a bit and see if that helped. So I ordered lunch and then we walked for a bit. There wasn't much room for us to go since they were doing construction on the floor, but there were enough hallways to make a few different routes. Once lunch came we went back and I ate, and after lunch they checked me again, still at 1 and she was still pretty high, so they inserted a foley bulb with the hopes of it dilating me further.
I think it was around 4 or 5 my doctor came in and checked me again, I was dilated to 3 and the foley bulb fell out which is what it is supposed to do once it dilates you to 3, so yay, some progress. By now I was getting really tired of the cervix checks because each time they would try to help me a long by stretching my cervix by hand, and that hurt so so so bad. I was really kind of scared I would kick my doctor in the head because the pain was just so bad.
Around 6 Dr. M came in (the male doctor in the practice that I like) came in to check me, and I was kind of sitting up in bed. One of the nurses asked if he wanted me to be flat on my back and he said no as long as I was comfortable he didn't want to make me move. Whew, that was a mistake. I think it was a combo of being checked so many times and the position I was in, but this cervix check hurt 10 million times more than the others and he hadn't even really gotten to the actual check yet because I yelped and jumped. He kind of jumped too and had this startled/sad look on his face, if it hadn't hurt so bad I would have kind of felt bad because I think I really scared him and he felt bad for hurting me.
So he tried to check the cervix but after that initial pain I think my muscles clamped down and I yelped in pain some more so he stopped. By then my contractions were picking up enough to bother me, but not enough for an epi so they gave me some Stadol in my IV to help take the edge off, which it did, but also made me feel drunk, and then very sleepy so I was knocked out for about 4 hours, which was good, but then it was bad because I was now wide awake for the night. Luckily though Ryan also slept when I did, so we were both awake together.
I think he fell asleep around 2 and not long after my doctor came in to check me but after 12 hours I was still only dilated to 3, which was very defeating for me. I was certain the round the clock 2-4 minute apart contractions must have done some good by now. So I got yet another painful cervix check and my doctor broke my water while she was in there. So now in addition to being in a lot of pain, I got to experience the nasty gushes of my water oozing out for the next several hours. A few hours later another resident came in, checked me and I was still at 3, and again she tried to manually stretch me and this time I lost it and burst into tears. I just couldn't take it, I was so tired and so frustrated that I had made no progress, I didn't know how many more of these painful checks I could take and I just laid there and bawled. My husband slept through the exam and my crying which I was grateful for because I have a hard time talking when I am upset, and I didn't want him thinking something had happened and we had gotten some bad news or something.
So they gave me some more Stadol which didn't do much for the contractions anymore, but they didn't ant to give me an epi yet since I was still in the very early stages of active labor, but at least the Stadol knocked me out for a few hours. I was woken up though when they came in for another check, and still no progress. But now they said they would go ahead and order the epi. It was still early progress wise, but they said if I was in complete misery they didn't want to deny me some relief. Unfortunately it took about 2.5 hours for the anesthesiologist to come though, but I was so happy when he finally came in. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time I got it, which was a blessing. At least I could have something be a little less painful.
However a few minutes after the epi was in I could still feel the contractions just as much, though just on my left side...only now for some reason they seemed to hurt even worse only being on one side. I told my nurse, so she called anesthesia to come back. Before she did, my nurse gave my IV an injection of some kind of booster, it was like an add on to the epi in case I needed a little more, but that didn't solve the left side problem. So when someone from anesthesia came in she tried a similar tactic that was a little stronger, but still did nothing. They finally determined the epi must have bowed to the right upon insertion, thus only directing medicine to my right side, but they didn't want to remove it and redo it since they weren't the ones to place it, so they called the original doctor back.
It took him about an hour, but he finally came in to fix it but my doctor was just about to do another check so he said he would come back. Not only did the check still hurt (I was so looking forward to the exams no longer being painful once the epi was in), the anesthesiologist didn't come back for another hour and a half. So he finally got it fixed and the first time in forever I had sweet relief, no more pain! My MIL and FIL were now in the waiting room so they came in to visit and I was so happy to finally feel better.
So we visited with them for a bit and my doctor came to check me again. Still no progress, (but at least the exam was pain free) and she now was pretty sure the baby was sunny side up, which could create further problems of getting her out even if I did eventually dilate to 10 since there isn't much room for her to get out to begin with, but being flipped over she'd have even less room and possibly get stuck. So my doctor said we could wait another hour and then we'd talk C section. I never ever wanted a C section, it was always my biggest fear when it came to pregnancy and child birth but it was suddenly more appealing because I just didn't see how vaginal was going to work.
I was tired, I was done. I couldn't imagine going another few hours and making no more progress. Or worse yet, finally getting to 10, pushing for hours and then still needing a C section. On top of it all I was starving and hadn't eaten in over 12 hours. So we visited with my inlaws for a while longer and around 1:30 my doctor came back in; she checked me, as did another doctor and the nurse and they all agreed I had made no more progress and she was indeed posterior. My doctor said she was fine with me waiting a few more hours longer if I wanted, but no more than that since my water had been broken and she didn't want to go too much longer, but I said I was ok with the C section. My big thing with it was I didn't want to choose it per se if a vaginal birth was still a strong possibility. In other words, I didn't want to voluntarily do the thing I never wanted to do, just because it was now easier than waiting a few more hours for a successful vaginal birth. But my doctor pretty much assured me while it was my choice and we could wait and see, she really didn't see a vaginal birth being successful, so I said let's do it.
I immediately started shaking with fear and anticipation and started crying. On my March board on the bump, we had a "shit got real" thread to talk about that moment that shit got real that our babies were coming. Some people said when they hit 40 weeks, some said when the nursery was done, but none of that stuff did it for me. Not even checking in Tuesday morning for my induction. But in that moment, shit got real. I was now going from meeting my daughter soon, possibly in a few hours, but possibly not for another day....to right now, and it scared the shit out of me. Could I do this?
The moment I said yes to it, they handed my husband some scrubs, gave me one of those surgical hat thingies and away we went. They took me into the OR and Ryan had to wait in the hall until they were ready for him. Almost immediately the curtain went up and they began prepping me. My arms were strapped to the board and the oxygen went on. The anesthesiologist said my blood pressure was a bit low, was I feeling nauseas and I said yeah, it had actually just begun a moment before she asked. I started crying again, and my doctor came over and asked if they were tears of joy and I said yes....and she explained to the anesthesiologist that we had had two losses, one of them being a 22 week loss and how this was a long time coming, but I was just moments away from meeting my little girl. So she explained the next few things they had to do, and when they were ready they would let Ryan in.
A few minutes later they were doing all their talking to each other that they do to prep for surgery, and it sounded like they were going to start any second but Ryan wasn't in yet, so I asked if he was coming. They said yes, they just had to do a few last checks and then they would call him in, so a few minutes later he was by my side. So much of the surgery was a blur, I was scared but also so so tired, and the nausea came and went so I was trying to fight that off too. I knew I wouldn't feel any pain, but I was worried about the pressure and the pulling, but it really wasn't bad at all. As they got toward being able to pull her out, Ryan asked if he could come around the curtain for a better view. They asked if he was feeling light headed at all and he said no, so they let him back. He has a strange curiosity for these things and isn't bothered by the gross factor, he even took pictures! Ew.
So after a few minutes my doctor announced, Amy and Ryan, are you ready? Here she is! Ryan got to see her come out and as they did all of their clean up and weighing her. I was dying to see her, that was my only real regret about having a C section is I felt so disconnected from it all. I was really hoping to hold her the second she came out, but Ryan held her first of course and I didn't even get to hold her until I got to recovery about 30 minutes later. Plus as soon as she came out I got very nauseous again, the pressure and pulling of being sewn up was less tolerable than getting her out and I suddenly became very very sleepy.
The nausea was bad, I had to lie there and deeply inhale and exhale and concentrate on not throwing up. I would imagine throwing up in a lying down position, while my abdomen is being put back togther would be a very bad experience. But as soon as my doctor said she is here, I started bawling again. I was so curious as to her size, and at one point I heard someone say something about 14 20, and I was immediately thinking oh my God, they're going to have to call the national inquirer, but then I realized 20 oz isn't a real thing, so that couldn't have been the weight. A few minutes after that Ryan popped around the corner of the curtain and I got my first look at my daughter. Our gorgeous Emily Kathryn was born Wednesday March 19th at 2:20 pm weighing 8 lbs 14 oz, 20.5 inches long.
I felt very bad about it, like I was a bad mom for it, but I kept falling asleep as they were stitching me up. I tried so hard to fight it, which I don't know why, I had just been through a lot, but like I said in my confused, emotional state I felt like I was being a bad mom for taking a snooze right then. Once I was all stiched up they wheeled me to recovery but I couldn't stop shaking, both from being cold and from the emotional rollercoaster of having just had a baby. They put this space like blanket on me that inflated and warmed me up, and then I got to hold Emily.
It was a little awkward holding her because I was flat on my back and was still tired and shakey, but oh my God, I was so in love. Looking back now I cannot believe I was ever indifferent to her arrival. I love her so much, she's so precious and I sometimes am tempted to go wake her up just so I can hold her and snuggle. And while I am not super mom who knows all, most of those first time mom "I have no idea what to do with this tiny human" feelings went away. It's like I just know. And she's my baby, so if I do mess up, it's not one ele's business to tell me what to do with her.
So since my inlaws were already there, they were first to come in to see her and hold her. I had text my dad and step mom before the surgery that they should head up in about an hour. Kind of funny because my hope of having a few hours to bond and take a shower first went right out the window. I couldn't deny my inlaws the chance to see her right away knowing they were there, and there was no way I could keep my dad and stepmom from coming when my inlaws had already seen her.
So after a bit of snuggling in recovery, they wheeled me to our mother-baby room, which was sadly much smaller than our labor and delivery room. My nurse helped me try to get Emily to latch on in recovery and nurse, which she did but she never stayed latched for long, but it was a good start. Our family went and got all of our things from our L&D room and brought them to our new room, and at first I was told nothing to eat for the rest of the day, just clear liquids, but then I was told my doctor gave me the go ahead and eat, and gave me no restrictions for my diet....however the restrictions were back on the next day.
So I never got a huge, carb filled celebratory meal while there, but I have to say I rather enjoyed just looking at the menu, adding up how many carbs I could have and ordering. Our parents were so thrilled to see her and get to hold her....especially my dad, he is in love. He had to go back up north this weekend for a check up with his hand surgeon, and he's been calling me everyday to find out how the little sweetie is doing. In addition to our parents, my brother and his fiancee also came up to see her. We went back and forth on it, felt a little guilty but finally decided to send her to the nursery for the night. I hated to do it, but we were both incredibly tired and needed sleep, and like many pointed out, we would not have that luxury once we got home so we might as well take advantage of it.
So every couple of hours they brought her in to me to try nursing, but it never went very well. She showed signs of being interested, but every time she latched on, she would instantly fall asleep. The next day the LC consultant brought me a pump to use, and it became pretty evident why she wouldn't latch on for long and try. I was only producing about one or two drops of colostrum per breast, so Emily clearly didn't see the point of continuing to latch and suckle when she wasn't getting anything out of it.
Thursday was very busy, in addition to our visitors (my best friend, Ryan's best friend, my brother came again as did the grandparents, my aunt and uncle stopped by for a bit) our door was a constant revolving door of doctors and hospital admin. From LC consultants to pediatrics, to photographers to people who deal with the cord blood donation....we had 10 minutes to get the family medical history filled out because sending in the cord blood was a time sensitive thing. Then we had to fill out the birth certificate information....between visitors, doctors coming in, forms to fill out and tending to Emmy and trying to nurse/pump, I kept forgetting to order meals so I kept eating late.
My IV fell out late afternoon on Thursday, and I had to have a saline lock in in order to keep getting the epidural. I really did not want to have the IV put back in, especially when the epi was coming out the next day anyway, so I said just take the epi out now. Erg, while it had to be done, I wasn't prepared for the consequences. I had thought I was doing really well recovering wise, but the first time I got out of bed once the epi was gone I thought I was going to die, it was super super painful.
But it's gotten better day by day, and drugs help a lot. Thursday night we decided to keep her in our room, but around 1am she got really fussy. I am now pretty sure it was gas pains, but she kept getting so upset. Ryan tried to console her since he was the one that could get up and get her, but I tried some as well but it was hard being confined to bed. I tried dozing off a few times, and despite Ryan telling me to go back to sleep and he'd handle it, it was hard to sleep knowing she was in pain. So finally I got her and laid down in bed with her and had her on my chest. This was the only time she seemed at peace. Ryan eventually fell asleep around 4 but I was awake most of the night because I was afraid of dozing off and dropping her.
Ryan woke up around 8 and I had happy news to tell him, we could go home that day if we wanted. His dad bed was very uncomfortable, so he was thrilled. We could have stayed another day, or even two or three if we wanted but I was anxious to get Em to her new home so we could all try to get settled. It was another busy day with more visitors and doctors coming in, plus we were trying to get packed up so we could go. My doctor came in to check on us and see Emily. We talked for a bit about what to expect in the next few days, when I need to come back in to check my inscision, we talked about Kayla and just how special Emily's arrival was. The three of us got a picture with her, and she gave me a hug and I told her how happy I was that she was the one to delivery her and she said she wouldn't have had it any other way.
So finally we were given the ok to be discharged, we packed up all of our stuff and we were on our way home. It was kind of scary driving home, we both kind of felt as if we needed a big sign on our car, like hey, don't get too close, don't tailgate us, don't you know we have a brand new baby in the car? On the way home we stopped at the cemetery and left the flowers my dad brought us at Kayla's grave, and then we got McDonalds for my luxury meal, complete with a shamrock shake of course. Once we were home, my brother stopped over for a bit to see us, and then I got super tired. We put Emily in her crib and I went and took a nap for a couple of hours. It was pretty scary to have her in her big crib all by herself, but Ryan had to monitor so I felt pretty safe to go to sleep. A few hours later I woke to the sound of her crying and Ryan running in to check on her.
That night was kind of rough, she had bouts of inconsolable crying again like the night before in the hospital. I ended up sleeping on the couch with her on my chest. The next night was much of the same, but luckily last night was better. No real crying fits and she only woke up twice in the night for feedings and snuggles. Tonight might be another bad night, she'd been awake since 9pm and has been quite fussy.
But despite lack of sleep and the long nights, she is the best thing that ever happened to us and I cannot believe how in love I am. I am not perfect, and I don't always know what to do....I might sometimes use the collar of her shirt to wipe her mouth, or accidently lol her head to the side when I pick her up, but I am so amazed at how mother's instinct kicks in and for the most part you just know what to do. Sometimes I just sit and stare at her, anmored with all of the little squeaks and wiggles and faces she makes, and I cannot believe how lucky I am that she is mine.
So it took me a few days to write this. Today is Kayla's first angelversary...I woke up pretty sad, and cried the whole time I changed Emily and got her ready for the day. After taking Emily to the ped we picked up balloons and a cake and went to the cemetery and released the balloons for Kayla. We had hoped we'd be able to get Emily to grab the string for a second so she could "release" a balloon, but it was pretty chilly and she was cying so we threw a blanket over her carseat and we just released them, put the new stuffy at the grave and got out of there, and then came home and light a candle on the cake and we both blew it out.
Emily can never replace Kayla, but I acknowledge how much easier this last year has been as we've awaited her arrival. Whether in Heaven or on earth, I love both my daughter's so unbelievably much and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have gotten these two beautiful creatures to call mine. I love you Kayla, I love you Emily.
And now for some pics
Congratulations! Emily Kathryn is just beautiful!
ReplyDeleteShe's beautiful, momma! Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteSO happy for you! Congratulations! She is beautiful!
ReplyDelete