Blah

First let me say, I love being a stay at home mom.  Don't get me wrong.  I've done the 9-5 (8-5), 40+ hour work week, I've done the working mom and being away from my kid (albeit briefly), so I know for certain I am in no way ready to go back to that.  But I just feel so blah lately.

I cannot, or I guess I choose not to get on a good sleep schedule.  Right now it's 11:30, its completely feasible to go to bed in 30 minutes, but no doubt I will find something to keep me busy until 2, and then I will complain about how tired I am at 8am when Emily wakes me up.  After breakfast I let her watch cartoons while I surf Facebook....there is usually nothing worthwhile to look at anyway, but I find myself addicted to looking at it anyway.  I heard a good quote once, it said Facebook is like a fridge, even if you KNOW there is nothing new, you have to keep checking it every 5 minutes.  I would really like to get to a point where I just look at it say twice a day.  Once in the afternoon and once at night.  Not sure I can do that though.  Damn smartphone!'

Before I know it, it's 11am, I have accomplished nothing and I am getting sleepy, so I often take a nap when I put Emily down for a nap.  Then I really get nothing done because when I wake up, she is now awake and I feel unproductive, lazy, and blah.  Most days I just live in t shirts (maternity shirts at that) and yoga pants, and I know I would feel better if I got dressed, but I can't imagine running around the house, getting all sweaty and yucky doing housework, wearing decent clothes.  Plus I try to go for a walk in the mornings, so why get dressed for real, only to change an hour or two later to go for a walk?

I wonder if I am depressed.  I am not sure.  I mean, my daughter keeps me happy, but my behavior, especially my love for sleeping, says otherwise.  I think about Kayla and I miss her every day, but it's been 2.5 years.  I am no longer at the point where my pain is raw and I just sit around in a deep depression every day about it.  But, I suppose between losing her, missing my mom and grandparents, and being in a stay at home mom funk, I could be mildly depressed.  Enough to keep me from getting my shit together and being productive each day.

I am on an anti-depressant, but maybe it's not enough.  I saw my doctor a few weeks ago for BC, I had it on my list to ask about increasing my Zoloft, but something stopped me from bringing it up.  Maybe because I think I am already on a high dosage (100mg, not sure if that's high or not) or if I am ashamed of it, or if I think I shouldn't be feeling depressed, I am not sure.  But I read a tip on pinterest to divide your daily chores up into blocks of time.  I do have a list of things I need to do each day, but I have no real order in which I do them.  I just kind of do them as they come to me, so maybe setting more structure to my day will help.  So I made up a list for tomorrow.  After breakfast, Emily can watch cartoons and I can browse Facebook for 30 minutes.  Then I have to put in a load of laundry, scoop the litter boxes and get dressed.

Then we'll go for a walk.  After that I will do dishes, clean the bathroom and switch the laundry to the dryer.  From 12-1 I give Emily her lunch and put her down for a nap, and then from 1- 2 I'll eat my lunch and take a break.  Then I will dust the furniture and pay bills, and then put the laundry away.  I'll empty the dishwasher and take another 30 minutes break, and then I'll take the dog for a walk.  This has me finishing at 5, which is a standard work day.  Then of course I'll have to figure out what to do about dinner, feed Emily and put her to bed, but those last few hours of the evening can be spent relaxing with her, and hopefully feeling a sense of accomplishment for getting everything done.

I am excited to try it out.  So now I am off to take some melatonin, and read in bed and hopefully get to sleep by a decent time tonight.