Often while grieving we have feelings or isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn't normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say "hey, I feel that way too". Connecting and communicating our experiences we are able to normalize our grief for ourselves and others. So share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children or maybe it is something you fear. By sharing these parts of our stories we can educate others on the grief experience.
I am a few days behind, so I'll catch up. One of my most overwhelming emotions when I was going through my loss was anger. I was angry at everyone and everything. Something I felt angry about is also something I feel bad for feeling angry about, and that is when people say a loss is a loss no matter how far along. I do agree, I agree each is devastating in their own right, but I just don't think you can put one very early loss in the same category as a stillbirth. You just can't. Just as, as devastated as I was to lose Kayla, I still cannot claim to know how a parent feels when their living child dies. I love both my daughters and it was so so hard to lose Kayla, but the idea of losing Emily, my daughter who has been in my life for almost 19 months, who smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses, learns new words, walks, and chatters with me all day long....I just don't think I could even function anymore if something happened.
And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Who am I to say whose grief is worse? Who am I to put any sort of restriction on someone's grief when it comes to their children? I feel like that's all life is after baby loss, is grief and guilt, grief and guilt.
Another thing I went through was feeling superstitious. I wouldn't say I am an overly superstitious person otherwise. I've been known to give in to superstitions here and there, but it's not like they rule my life. But when I was pregnant with Emily, I was so afraid to do anything that might "jinx" it. With Kayla I packed my hospital back at around 20 weeks and ended up needing it a week and a half later, so with Emily I refused to pack it until around 35 weeks. I wouldn't pack it until I was to a point where I would feel somewhat ok if I went into labor at that point.
The night I went into labor with Kayla, my husband and I were watching the movie, This is 40. We never did finish it because we had to go to the hospital, and I thought about it a few times but I couldn't bring myself to watch it while I was still pregnant with Emily. Of course I know packing a bag, and watching a movie wouldn't make me spontaneously go into labor, but I still avoided those things nonetheless.
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